- Tell us a bit about that
relationship with yourself. How do you feel about you? When you look at yourself
in the mirror day to day, what's it like being you? Feeling at home within yourself. - Right now? - In general and right now. - Well, right now, I'm a little bit shaky. - Take a few deep breaths and be with it 'cause I'm seeing the shakiness and it's coming up here, too. I know this feeling. I've had it before, too. The worst thing you can do when
it happens is start judging, becoming aware, and resisting. Like, oh no, are they seeing it? Just own it. Just be like, you know what? I'm Shaky McGee. - And it's getting worse. - Just own it. What if it was a reality where
everyone was trying to shake? Look, they're not shaking. Ow, you're winning. Yes! Your wellbeing comes first. - Yes. - You honoring that is more important than whatever they think of it. So, just taking some deep breaths, just something as simple as
that is always very helpful, by the way. If you just put your alarm
on three times a day and whenever it rang, like
morning, noon, night, you just took some deep breaths, you'd be surprised at how much that would affect the
quality of your life. Something that simple. And while you take some deep
breaths, for all of you here, with any content, you'll always get more value if you add depth to a small amount, quality to a small amount versus quantity, meaning you could watch a
bunch of different videos with complex ideas and you get your
little mental epiphany high. Like, that was smart. That was good. Oh, I didn't think of that. What does that really do to your life? Nothing. You just feel good in the moment versus adding depth to
something very simple. Less content, more depth to that content, more results than a lot of
content at a very surface level. For those of you who've
been into this whole self-improvement world
way back in the day, pre the rise of YouTube,
so on and so forth, that's what it forced you to do. There wasn't all this content. There wasn't an abundance of content. So when you got something, you'd actually watch it and apply it. Now we don't 'cause, oh, is the next thing and the next thing. Now this is recommended
and that's recommended. Stop the recommended. Take in a little and apply it. So first thing here, very
simple but very powerful, just take some deep breaths. If you wanna take it one level deeper, what I would suggest is start
taking some deep breaths from the base of your spine. In the whole spiritual world, this is known as your root chakra. It also gets you much more
in touch with the body. 'cause usually when you're overthinking, all your awareness is up here. So if you just bring it, okay, visualize that little
mind, base of your spine, takes some deep breaths, from there, it immediately grounds you. Takes away some of the pressure of that thinking and analyzing. So with some deep breaths
there, let's stay with it. And what else is going on? - I think I'm a little bit
annoyed that I do so much inner work and I see so much more
value and worth in myself, and still, there's that voice that's like, eh, you're not enough. - Now, I'm gonna ask you
something counterintuitive. To explain this, for all of you
with self-sabotage, realize, and this can be a little provoking, but realize that everything
in your life right now, you secretly love it or you would've done something about it. However, you're not always aware of
the part of you that loves it, but you all do. So when it comes to self-sabotage, instead of trying to fight against it, it's much more beneficial to identify the part of you that loves it. So as an example, say you're really scared of
what people think of you deep down inside, but then
consciously you're like, you know what? If people love me, then I
wouldn't have to worry so much. I want people to love me. But for people to love you, you gotta put yourself out there. But if you put yourself out
there, you could be judged. So you're gonna actually hold back, even though consciously you want it, to avoid the deeper fear. The same with, hey, I wanna be successful. Well, if a part of you believes
that you're not responsible, look, I can't even clean my room. Who am I? But you wanna be successful. It goes against you, like you can't handle the
responsibility of, say, being successful, so
you're gonna self-sabotage. So self-sabotage is you
always staying in alignment to different core beliefs or staying congruent to your comfort zone. Get it? So, what I would ask you is,
yes, a part of you wants to, as you said, kind of live
up to that potential, but another part of you doesn't. Why? Why is living up to your
potential bad or scary? Why do you secretly not want to? Why do you secretly love just
staying in your comfort zone? - Fear of rejection. - Get it? So, fear of rejection, but I wanna succeed and
live up to my potential. But if doing that invites more rejection or possibility of rejection, I'd rather cut off my hand than my arm. That's how it works. You'll never do something that you don't think is the best option for you. Now, people, when they hear
this, there's some that's like, well what about sometimes when you know? Like, I know I shouldn't be
smoking, but I'm smoking. Well, yeah, you're smoking and you'll choose once more the hand versus the arm. Why are you smoking? To avoid something else
that feels much worse. You know it's bad, but it feels worse to not smoke
and then deal with all the stress of whatever you're
trying to numb with the smoking. So it's this type of, again,
what's the actual deeper fear? So fear of rejection, meaning for you to actually get
to your potential or live up to it and actually be you,
everything that is you, you can't hustle your way there. You gotta tackle that. - Yeah. - So, what's so scary about rejection? - Not being enough. Not being worthy. - When did you start rejecting you? - I would say high school. - What happened? - I felt like I didn't belong. Like, I was really different
from everyone else. - What made you feel that way? - I was really introverted. I didn't really like to party and everything and that was like the norm. And then my dad was like, yeah, I'm not sure if it's ever gonna be, if it's ever gonna work out for her. And that was like my, how do you say that, confirmation of like, okay, this will probably never work out. - Okay. Good awareness. - Yeah. - How did this idea that maybe it's not gonna work out for me, maybe I'm a little different
then follow you in life? Where has it resurfaced? - Well, then I got diagnosed
with social anxiety. So I was like, see,
something is wrong with me. And that became my excuse
for not having to like heal that or look that in the face. No, if something came up that
made me scared, I was like, I don't have to do that. I have social anxiety. - Okay. What does your mind say or your body say if I were to tell you there's
nothing wrong with you, nothing broken in you? What does it say? - Well, now I can believe it. - Does every part of you believe it? - Probably not. - I wanna see the parts of
you who don't believe it. What's their comeback? What's your name? - Lillian. - Lillian. Lillian, there's nothing broken in you. You're not different. You're actually just like everyone else. You're not special either. You're just like everyone. What do you have to say? - Nothing. (Lillian chuckling) - Look at the crowd and
say, "I'm not broken." - I'm not broken. - Mean it. - I'm not broken. - [Crowd Member] Are you sure? - Yes. (group laughing) - Okay. We're gonna dive into some of this 'cause there's the right answer
and the real answer. The right one is yes, you're not broken. The real one is there's definitely a part of you that believes it. - Yeah. - Probably, yeah.
- Yes. - And it's getting poked at, which is why the trembling's coming back. - Yeah, please, go ahead. - We will, we will. Now, for everyone here, I also like breaking
down what I'm doing here, but key lesson is this. A lot of us have assumed just in society, I'm not good enough and then you live your life from that assumption. Things can get programmed into you. The same with, hey, you know what? I dunno if it's gonna work out for her. Your dad saying that. And you're like, well, I dunno if it is. My dad's the person, one of the people in my
life I've looked up to to guide me, to take care of me. I've trusted him so far
to navigate through life. Whoa. He has a lot of authority. I might accept this as true. Programmed in. Now, once it's programmed
in, what does it also do? It hijacks your RAS, your
reticular activating system, your selective focus, meaning now you're gonna start
filtering the world through I'm a little different, I'm not someone who
things may work out for. Now, what's that gonna do? You're gonna unconsciously
start looking for proof, the same as someone who's scared who's always looking for threats. Now, what if you find proof? Oh, reinforces it. The more it's reinforced, the more it hijacks your
focus and it becomes this self-fulfilling prophecy. You get entrenched in it. Then with self-help, and
this is a big trap too, is you can get so sucked into this whole I need to improve, I need to be better, there's this to fix that
it reconfirms I am broken. But as long as you keep trying
to improve yourself from the assumption that I am broken,
it will follow you forever. This whole work isn't I'm broken. How do I fix myself? This whole work is making you
realize you were never broken. It was an illusion. And you need to let go of all
the lies and conditioning that have convinced you that you're broken! Otherwise, it'll forever follow you. You don't need to improve yourself either. You're already improved. You don't need to become enough. You need to realize
you already are enough. That's the whole work. Now with you, I'm gonna ask you what
I call shadow questions. - Yes. Meaning, as we talked
about, self-sabotage, you always get what you want
so you're not aware of the part of you that wanted it. Well, you gotta then learn how
to communicate to that to your shadow, to that world inside of you
that's out of you awareness. With shadow questions, this is another key technique to bring things up into your awareness, don't analyze the
validity of the questions. Meaning, one shadow question example is, why do your parents hate you and why is it entirely your fault? What are you immediately thinking? Whoa, whoa, whoa. (group laughing) It's not our fault. I'm not saying it is, but when
you hear something like that, you need to do an audit
within yourself and say, I know this isn't true, but does a part of me
perhaps believe it is? The same as if I were to ask you, why are you not good enough? What are y'all thinking? Whoa, she is. Yes, you are. But does perhaps a part
of you believe you're not? Learn how to communicate to that kind of negative inner world. If a part of you's like,
yes, because of X, Y, Z, write that down. Now you can work on X, Y, Z. But if you're not willing
to open yourself up to that, it'll forever be just
outta your awareness, yet still active. Why are you not good enough? - Because I'm not perfect. - Why are you not perfect? What's missing in you? - I don't know. - There was the shake
before you said I dunno. You know or a part of you knows. You don't have to rush the answer, but stay in a state of openness. If you say I don't know, that's resistance 'cause then you're like, I don't know, think of something else. Versus maybe I don't
know now, but let's see. What do you hate most about you? - Right now? The same as you. My body. - What do you hate about your body? - That I'm overweight. - What else? What specifically? If a genie was there, it
could only change one thing. What would you change? - Legs. - Okay. If you were to say, if I were
to give you an assignment, you go home tonight, you go in front of the mirror naked and you look at yourself
and say I love my legs, probably there's gonna be
cringe and resistance around it. - And the shaking. - And the shaking. Why? What would be the counter, the voice saying the opposite? Saying that's not true. What would it say? - Do I have to say it out loud? Yeah. - Okay. - No one is gonna love
you if you look like that. - Okay. Now back to you, and great data, this is for all of you, this
kind of shadow question art, it's diving into the uncomfortable. It's not uncomfortable, but you can build on the
data that sometimes comes up. So here's one, no one's gonna love you
if you look like that. Back to you. Why is no one gonna love you? Ever? Is that true? No. Does a part of you believe it? If so, I wanna hear the answer. Why would anyone ever love you? Why is no one gonna love you? Breathe into it and honor it. It's opening yourself up to
this so we can then work on it. - What's it saying? - It just feels like
going around in circles. - That's common. Challenge yourself to go a layer deeper. Why are you unlovable? - Well, the first thing is
because I'm not good enough, but we already had that. - That's good. That's good. Two more. Not good enough. Or even build on it. Why? Stay in that state of openness. Why are you not good enough? Why are you unlovable? - I think I feel like that because I never felt like I
really belonged somewhere. - Okay. Why are you not good enough for yourself? Why are you a disappointment to yourself? - Because even though I
want to, I don't want to, depends on how you say it,
but I keep playing small. I keep listening to all these fears while rationally, I know better. - Yes. That's that pattern. But I wanna talk to, why do you deserve to only play small? Why is playing big not for you? - Apparently it's too scary. - Okay. - I'm sorry. - Don't say sorry. This is very difficult. This takes time. Right here, we're just doing a little
bit in this moment we have, but this type of
questioning, for all of you, this is stuff you wanna
do on a daily basis, even over a long period of time. Hey, if there's something
you've been stuffing down most of your life, you all think, hey, in a couple minutes, we're
gonna bring all that up. No. Now, sometimes, yes, there could be some
good data and there was, and you crushed this. But there are also times where. yes, it's gonna take longer, or times where you'll uncover some and you think that's the answer. And as you start processing it, boom, a deeper answer surfaces. So never self attack. But we did notice how we
started diving a little deep and then it kind of went back to logically analyzing
more so than answering. That's resistance, but it's normal. Okay. Now, based upon this so far, a few things to take from it. One, I would do this challenge at home. - Yes. - And same for you. Naked in front of the mirror. All of you, I'd suggest doing this. Naked in front of the mirror and start by saying, I love you. And notice if there's any part of you that is not aligned with it. Don't try to BS yourself into saying it. Like, hey, I love you, whatever. Just say, can I authentically, if you are on a lie detector test, look yourself in the mirror and say, I love you followed by I love my body. And if a part's like,
I love my, not really, and it feels like you're
lying, those sensations, you can start processing and let go of. Then I would do with every
single part of your body. Same with like, I love
my legs, I love this, every part is like, no,
let go, let go, let go. That's simply the relationship
with just how you look. Do this daily mixed in with
letting go meditations. You'll be surprised. Then, I would sink back into that
situation that came to mind with your father, where
you heard that, you know, maybe it's not gonna work out for her, and replay it in detail in your mind. And same thing, whatever gets triggered, let go on a sensation wise. Okay? And then I would practice just
on a more long-term basis, playing this kind of devil's advocate. Like, why is success not for me? Why is it scary? Why don't I deserve it? Why am I not good enough for it? Why do I hate myself? Why am I unlovable? Et cetera. And then the fourth one is whatever, and this is for all of
you, a good rule of thumb, whatever we tend to seek out
there, more often than not, we're actually seeking it in here, meaning, if you're
trying to seek approval, the reason you're seeking approval, and I've fallen into this trap, I was like, I just want
everyone to love me. Why did I want that? 'Cause I thought that if enough
people out there loved me, it would give me
permission to love myself. Now, that's one way through width, but people also do this through depth. They'll get into a relationship, they get really attached to
their partner, and they're like, if this person only loves me
more, then I can love myself. The same with, you know what? I'm gonna try to control people
and control how they think and react to me and control
life so I can just feel safe. I need to create this
safe space around me, this predictable outcome environment. What you're actually
seeking is safety within. You just don't feel at
home and safe within. If you felt that safe
within and at ease within, it doesn't matter what happens out there. You know you can handle it. So same here, I just
want someone to love me, I just need to be approved of. More often than not, that's inner you screaming
that to current you. Love me, approve of me. And then it's also analyzing
some of the events where there was more of a split away. Sometimes you're like,
I'm not good enough, and you withdrew from just loving yourself 'cause you are in a
relationship with yourself. All of you are. Now, most people are in very abusive relationships with themselves. If you think of this
whole idea of inner child, you all have an inner child. Most of you are just
abusing that inner child. I always joke, a lot of my events is like
rehab for abusive parents. You are all the abusive parents. I'm like, stop abusing your child! Not real child, inner child. You're not good enough,
you should've known this, get in the corner. I'm like, stop. So I would identify those
moments and then, again, it's like in the end, and this is also surrendering
in a way to life and reality, in the end, this is you. In this moment in reality, this is you. No thoughts or actions can change anything right now in the moment. And you have a choice. You can resist life or embrace life. You can resist you or embrace you. If this is the way you
look right now, well, hey, whether you embrace it or resist it, you're still gonna look the same. What's gonna lead to a more
joyful experience alive? Embracing it. You can have, again, intentions and goals out of inspiration, but in the end, it's like, what's so bad about the
right here, right now? What's so bad about you
right here, right now? Nothing. Nothing at all. And then it's also, this
is more on the external, but a great mindset shift or technique, put your foot down on any
kind of inner self-abuse. I call this your inner worm tongue, linking it to "Lord of the Rings," where maybe you go home
and you're like, okay, I'll do that exercise. And then that little
voice is like, Lillian? It's like, Lillian, who are you kidding? Look at yourself. And the mirror shines. You're like (gasping). It's like, look, Lillian,
look at that body. Like, no! You think some little JulianHimself tips will help with that? You're like, you're right. And then you just let
the abuse happen again. You are your greatest abuser. What if someone in the real
world would treat you that way, the same way that little inner voice does? Would you still hang out with them? - [Crowd Member] Not at all. - No? Right. If you think of that inner voice, it's like the worst person ever alive. Even if when things are
going well, it's like, hey, psst, psst, Lillian. Remember this thing would
happen when you were six? You're like, ah, it just
poisons the present moments. It's what it does. Like, what if you had a friend like that? Every time things are going well or not, it's just always bringing
you back to the negative. Terrible. You'd cut that friend out. So you're gonna have
to put your foot down, even on that little voice,
and say, no, no, no, no. Now people think, well, isn't
that resisting yourself? No, that's also putting a boundary of self-love and self-respect on yourself. Why would you let yourself be abused? Now, you don't wanna stay there. It's a stepping stone. Put your foot down on worm
tongue to create enough space to then process and let go of. But you need that space first. So for you, you need a firm boundary
and audit the self-talk. Would I say this to someone I love? And if it's no, foot down. - Yeah, I actually put a, oh, hello, a picture of myself when I
was a child on my mirror. - Yes. - And it already made such a
big difference in my self-talk. - There's a great book you can check out, I suggest you all read,
called "Immunity to Change." "Immunity to Change." There's the socialized mind,
the self-authoring mind, and at the top, there's
the self transforming mind. Most people alive find themselves in the socialized mind state. This is the mind that you're
in in your teenage high school years where you're always
looking to others and saying, where do I fit in? Who's the cool kids, right? Who's popular? Am I popular? Where do I stand? How can I join the popular kids? What will impress the popular kids? Et cetera, et cetera. Always looking to others. You always wanna fit in. You never wanna stand out. People pleasers are here. It's just like, please, I wanna be part of the
group, part of the group. The level above that is self-authoring, and that's where instead of
always looking to others, you start looking to yourself within. However, that also has its limitations 'cause people will then swing the pendulum the other side where all you look at is within and you ignore others. And that's not good either. But they say self-transforming is the best where you see the limitations of both, you listen and trust yourself, but you're still open to external feedback and you're not blind to it. But most of us, socialize mind. Society, tell me how to
think, tell me how to live, tell me what my goals are,
tell me what my values are. Even in terms of decisions you make, it's not what do I care about, it's what will impress people? I've seen this even with people seeking partners and relationships. It's not what do I actually want, it's, well, what would
society think is cool? Can I brag about my partner to society? Then you're not living for yourself. So in the end, it's
part of also growing up. It's like, yes, maybe
younger you was stuck there, but current you, while honoring
and loving younger you, it's time to grow beyond that. And it's deciding. It's like, well, what do I value? What do I care about? What's real to me? And screw this idea of
living up to your potential, meaning it's very vague
and it's ever growing. You live up to your potential, well, hey, that version of you living up
to your potential will have another potential, and another potential, and another potential. That doesn't mean, no,
go for it, fo for it, but don't set it as a
requirement to love yourself. Your potential is you
right now, right here. That's your potential. You can kid yourself. I could be doing better. Well, yeah, but this is what you're doing. Be with it or resist it. So, once more, who's the
goal, where's the goal? Right here. Who decides if, same with
like, oh, but my body, who decides if your
body is perfect or not? Who? - I do. - That's right. - You're the goal. You're reality. And it's listening more to yourself, staying true to yourself. Every decision, does this
feel authentic to me or not? And the biggest feeling you'll
sense when it is authentic to you is, as you mentioned, you
feel more at home within you. Not being authentic, although it might be cool
externally or get approval, it always feels like you're
betraying yourself and you're moving further away from you. Move towards. Same with true confidence
is feeling at home, relaxing into this. Not I gotta improve this,
it's it's okay to be this. That's the goal. And in the end, what is the one thing we really
hope anyone would tell us? It's that. It's okay to be you. Tell that to you. You don't have to improve. It's okay to be this. Even the reason you want to
accomplish your potential is that when you're there, you're like, is it okay to be me now? It is. So communicate. It's okay to be you. It's okay to feel this. It's okay to have the anxiety. It's even okay to have negative thoughts. It's okay to not be perfect. There is no perfect. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. If I could design, this
is the final thing, if I could design an app, like
say you were to say, Julian, you're gonna die in two minutes, but you have to give us one app idea. Oh shit. Two minutes to live. One app that would change, have the most impact on the world, I would literally create an app
where you could like program it in like your, you know, Apple Watch and it's like a little hologram of me and it
just pops up every 10, 20 seconds throughout the day and it's me popping up and
saying, shh, it's okay. (audience laughing)
That's it, that's it. Just think how much that
would have an effect. You're walking down, you're all stressed. It's like shh, shh, shh. It's okay. You're like, it is okay. Oh, but this thing and this person said... Shh, it's okay. You're right. Just that constant reminder. It's okay. Game changer. So, shh, it's okay to be you. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. And don't let anyone convince you. There's gonna be forces out
there, social media, same thing. No, no, no, it's not. It is. Okay? - Yes. - Any final words? - I'm glad you picked me, even if it's just to experience standing here with like everyone watching. - Well, one last question. Who here did this
specific example speak to? Raise your hand. Like, who just really connected? Look at that. Hey. Well, yeah. Give her a hand. Come on, people. (audience cheering) No, for you, take in what it
feels like to also be up here, take in what it feels like
to just be real and raw, like even something, do I have to say it? You said, like, nothing happened. And with all the raised hands, too. Remember, your mind is very good at
convincing you it's only you. Oh, you have that insecurity? It's just you. Same here. It's like, but my looks, I
don't wanna say it, my legs. Lillian, you're the only person who
feels insecure about their legs. Really? It's like, no, don't believe that. What's most personal is most universal. For real. This is something I learned
after all the years of coaching. When I first started coaching, is I see the behind the scenes of people. Let this land. My unfair advantage that I have
that you don't have is I see people for who they are due to
my profession, due to my job. So what does that mean? If you look around the room right here, you're not seeing people for who they are. You're seeing the masks and the fronts. Like, even myself here, I'm
not seeing you for who you are. If I'm looking, I'm like,
ah, nice mask, nice front, oh cool, good mask, good front. But when I start coaching
people and I see the behind the scenes and they tell me
what's really going on, then I see the real them. Here we get to a bit of that too where it's like you could
be sitting in the crowd, you're like, bring you up,
it's like, okay, great, and we start going deeper
and more realness comes out. Well the more people you talk
to and the more realness you see behind the fronts,
the more you realize, like, wow, we are all messed up. That's the biggest one. You're like, whoa, people are messed up. We are all so messed up. And the biggest thing, which is crazy, and I don't know why we all keep doing it, the biggest thing that's really
blocking us is that we're all pretending we aren't. Can you imagine if everyone's
like, you know what, just drop the fronts. Here's what's going on with me. Oh, you too? Oh, whoa. We'd all connect way more. But we're all doing this. We all have the same insecurities, but we're all gonna pretend we don't. Hi, and then it's fake meets
fake, meets fake, meets fake. And then it keeps telling you,
maybe I'm just the only one. Look, everyone else has it so well. And they're thinking the same thing. Maybe I'm just the only one. Everyone else has it so well. We all have it! And funny enough, in those insecurities, in those things you might not like where you think it's just you, you can actually find a greater
sense of unity knowing that other people are thinking the same thing and you're not actually alone! And things you go through
are not always pleasant. But knowing that you're not alone going through 'em is very empowering. Like, if you had the choice, hey, go do this thing that's not
fun and it's only you doing it. Hey, go do this thing that's not fun, but just know that at the
same time as you're doing it, 100 people around the
world are also doing it. It'll impact your experience greatly. So you, you're not alone. What's most personal is most universal. And then also know that, hey,
here's what's interesting. That voice said never say this, hide this, be cool, put on the front. By you being real and
just here's what's up, it actually spoke and inspired people. The front would've not inspired anyone. Authenticity resonates. Cheesy as it sounds, authenticity is all. That's it. It's what we're all after. It's a breath of fresh air. Even if your authenticity's
being negative, it's real. Who wants fake positivity? We're all craving realness. So congrats, respect, and give her a hand. Come on. (audience cheering) - Thank you. Love the shirt also. - Absolutely amazing.
