- Are you ready?
- Yes. - Oh my gosh. What happened? Why? What happened? No, for real. What happened? Something definitely. You
weren't born this way. What happened? Why are you so reserved? - [Audience Member]
I'm just naturally shy. - Well, not naturally. You weren't shy as a baby
crying for your mama's milk. What happened since then? I see it. You're just afraid to say it. Why, why? What happened? - [Audience Member] I
think I'm naturally just... - Just meh.
- Yeah, just not loud. - (groans) Well, it's not just not loud. It's, where's the life?
Where's the passion? I see you, "Yeah." Are you excited? Yeah, yeah, kinda. I'm just naturally like this. Why? When did you shift to being a loud baby? Like (shouts) milk, Mom, my milk! (slurps) Give me the teat! To, "Meh." Do you want it, son? Meh, I guess so. What happened? When did it shift?
There's definitely a time. It can be hard to remember, to be clear, but there's a time when there was a shift. All of you, by the way,
weren't born like blah humans. The people I see here, for the most part, aren't the people you
were when you were born. I see a bunch of fake masks. However, most of you have
confused these fake masks with the real you. Why? 'Cause you've been being
this fake mask for so long. It's as if I were born
with these sunglasses on. For real, imagine I'm a baby. I'm, "Mom!" And my mom's like, "Put these on you! Now put these sunglasses
on!" I'm like, "Okay." And then I go through life and I tried to take 'em off
at school and express myself. And what do the classmates
say? "Put 'em back on!" Okay, okay. I'll put 'em back on. Then maybe I grow a little
older. I'm like, "You know what? I can work on my confidence. I saw a post saying I'm good enough! I don't need the sunglasses." Put 'em on! Okay, okay, I guess it's just me. I was born with these sunglasses on. The sunglasses of shyness
and stifledness and shame. And then I come to an event like this. I'm sitting down with everyone. Are you excited? Yeah. Show us your eyes! Uh, (chuckles) these are my eyes. No, your real eyes. When
did you put them on? I was born this way. I was
born with sunglasses on. (audience laughing) Well, no, there's some point in your life where you started hiding
and putting 'em on. And the first step to
true change is awareness. Now, as I mentioned, it can
be very hard to identify. Why? 'Cause we suppress and repress. It's not comfortable to
remember the first moment someone was like, "Put 'em on!" Usually it's due to trauma.
Something traumatic. Now, when I say trauma, it
doesn't necessarily mean at a surface level something extreme, like someone just beating you. Although yes, that is traumatic, but as a child, you have a
very limited perspective. Maybe in class, someone's
laughed like, (chortles) and you're like, "Oh my gosh, I'm gonna be ostracized
from the classroom, and from my limited perception as a kid, the classroom's the world. Better fit in." And you've gotten so used
to wearing these sunglasses, so used to being fake, you've forgotten what it's like to be you. Now from there, what do people do? They look for tips and
tricks. Hey, how can I uh... You have any tips and tricks to make it seem like I have eyes, even though I'm wearing
sunglasses, anyone? Any tips and tricks to
be confident and loud? And that is the majority of self-help. For real. Go online. Go on YouTube. How to be confident. How to be expressive. And
it's like, hey, just do this. Do that. Hey, it's all
about your morning routine. Huh, so that means my morning routine will make it seem like I'm
not wearing sunglasses. It doesn't work 'cause it's
compensating. It's in reaction. It's the whole what now philosophy. I have a problem. What now, what now? How do I fix it? What now? As opposed to, and this is
what you must all realize, a lot of it is self-imposed. Instead of what now, the
approach is why and when? Wait a minute, why do
I need tips and tricks to make it seem like I have eyes? When did I start hiding my eyes? It's the whole fake it till you make it. Hey, you gotta act confident
till you feel confident. Yeah! Well, wait a minute. Why
do I have to act confident? Fake it till you make it? Even that whole saying is assuming that you are being real right now. How do you know you're being real? What if you're being fake? What if instead of fake
it till you make it, it's act real until you remember, until you remember what
it's like to be you. Recently, my daughter really
got into "The Lion King," the Disney movie, and by the way, that movie is intense and
emotional, as you all know. And out of all the Disney
movies, that one's one level up. I had to buckle her
seatbelt when she's like, "Hey, I want that one." I'm like, "Are you sure?"
She's like, "Yeah." And I'm like, "Well, it's a little scary. Do you want me to fast forward?" She's like, "No, just the scary parts." Like, for real, for real.
(audience laughing) So we're watching this movie
and there's the classic scene where Simba runs off, grows up, and tries to hide from
his problems, right? He's hanging out with Timon
and Pumbaa eating bugs. And there's this scene where he looks up first into the water,
then into the clouds, and sees his father. His father appears in
the voice of Darth Vader, "Simba, remember who you are. Stop eating the bugs. You are a lion! Remember who you are!" And he's like, (gasps) "You're right." That's a lot of this work here. I'm looking at you bug eaters. Not Bill Gates bug eaters,
but authenticity bug eaters. You've been hanging out with
Timon and Pumbaa too long. You're like, "Eh, hakuna
matata. I'm being real." No, no, no. Remember who you are! That's a lot of this work. Now, to remember who you are, it's not as simple as just realizing it. Oh yeah, just remember. No. It's identifying everything that is keeping the bug eater alive. All the experiences, all the references, all the beliefs that have
been programmed into you. You are not enough. Shut your mouth. Don't be so loud. Stay quiet. If you have nothing nice to
say, don't say anything at all! You're like, "Okay, okay."
It's releasing all of that. And it's not about becoming confident. It's about realizing confidence. It's not about, I'm a bug
eater. How do I become a lion? Tips and tricks to be a lion? It's no, realize you're
not a fucking bug eater! You've always been a lion! So back to you. Spit those bugs out. When did you start eating the bugs? When did you start putting these on? What happened? - [Audience Member] I think it started when I got disproportionately punished in childhood for being loud. - Now pause. Notice just a huge shift just now in the way he talked before versus now. - [Audience Member] Yeah. - Huge. Before it's, "Meh, meh." What's wrong? I don't wanna say it. Just give me a bug, please. (slurps) And now, respect to you, it dropped a bit. I see a bit more of the lion
in you acknowledging it. Now, it's not comfortable
to acknowledge it. As you can see, you're like,
oh, this hurts. Yeah, it hurts. Anyone who sold you on this lie that transformation is peachy. Hey, just follow the feel good. You wanna know how you're changing? You feel better and better and better. No, people tend to think
true transformation, not that I've done it,
is like a molly trip. It's not, and not that
I've done it either, but I like the analogy. It's like an ayahuasca trip. I have tried acid when
I was 21, to be clear, but that's the only one I've done. But it was pretty traumatic too. But no, true change is, you're
facing your inner demons. You're not running from them. The same with meditation. True meditation that changes
you isn't focusing on a mantra or the now and just being like, be present, be present, be present. And for most people,
although this is beneficial, by the way, to some extent,
it turns into this escape where they're trying to be
present to avoid their problems, to avoid the negativity. That's not fun to realize. No, true meditation is,
instead of focusing on that, focus on your problems and
release the charge behind them 'cause that's what's running you. Focus on all the stuff you've been running away
from your entire life. It's like your entire life,
I'm running away from this. Oh no, the monster's behind me. Money, success, friends, relationships, food, drugs, alcohol, it's still there. Self-help, self-help! No, no, no. Stop running away. Turn
around and face it. And what you'll realize is that there was never
a monster to begin with. It's the same as a child
who is scared of monsters. I talked about my daughter
before. She's in that phase now. She needs a monster check
before going to bed. There is a child, a
younger you, an inner child that still fears things that you know now as an
adult that aren't scary. You know there's no monster in the closet, but a part of you still
believes there are. You know there are certain
situations, for example, in life. If I were to, say, bring
some of you up and say, "Hey, sing a song in front of everyone." You ready? Who am I gonna pick to sing? You ready? Probably (inhales
sharply) you're feeling it. What are you feeling? That younger you saying, "I might die." Now logically, as an adult,
if you look at this situation, are you gonna die if you sing? Yes? No? - [Audience Members] No. - Was like, "Well..." No.
(audience laughing) No, but it still feels that way. When your response is
disproportionate to reality that's when something inside
of you is being triggered. Meaning there's a part
of you, not consciously, but a part of you that still thinks, "If I do this," most likely
due to a past experience, "If I do this and I embody this
aspect, singing, expressive, my survival is at risk." Is it? No, but it believes it. And it's no different
than adult you, conscious, with child you, subconscious, saying, "Hey, it's time to open that closet." Now, every step of the way, it's gonna feel like a
monster's gonna leap out. Until you do, you're
like... (hyperventilates) (sighs in relief) There was nothing there. And that's what you must do with every single thing that runs you. Every single thing that gets
triggered inside of you, it's opening the closet and
ultimately facing fear's bluff because it is a bluff. All those situations in your
life, audit them consciously. How do I feel about this?
Audit your emotional reaction. Then logically analyze
it. Is it proportionate? And anytime it isn't, you're fearing a monster in the closet. Now, it's not about then trying to progressively
desensitize yourself 'cause that's the
traditional approach, right? Hey, I'm scared of public
speaking. What am I gonna do? Speak a ton and get used to it. But that's not the way
'cause then you're trying to numb yourself to what you're feeling. It's like that movie "Fight Club." It's, go to your happy place
in the snow with the penguins. It's like, and people
do this socially, right? Oh, I'm scared to say hi
to this person. I'm scared. (exhales sharply) Just do
it. Happy place, happy place. Hi. How's it going? But then you never
address the actual fear. You never address what's
getting triggered. This means not escaping
to your happy place. Sink into it. Let it take over. Go into the discomfort. Go into the triggered
sensations and feel them. And by being with them,
the charge gets released. That's how you open the closet and realize there was no monster. And the more monsters you
realize weren't there, the more free you become. For real. That's the work. You can try to compensate
as much as you want. It never gets to the cause. It's the same with, say, social skills. I call this the difference between a social scammer
and a social master. Meaning that in human interactions, communication skills,
there's a lot to be aware of. There's different
channels of communication, there's different things you can say, ways you can express yourself,
charisma, so on and so forth. One person is gonna use all that advice to distract people from
who they authentically are. I'm not good enough, but if I act this way and say this thing, people
are gonna think I'm up here. Terrible, toxic. That is scamming. You're scamming people into thinking you're
someone that you're not. That's a social scammer. A social master is someone who might use the exact same
understanding, techniques, so on and so forth, but
it's not to distract people from who they are, it's
to highlight who they are. The same with self-help,
spirituality, inner work. You can use this to try to compensate and escape from that inner darkness or you can use it to dive
into it, to release it, and ultimately, just like Simba, spit out the bug and
realize you are a lion. Okay, now one last thing back to you. What's the fear around tapping in or ultimately reclaiming that inner lion? What happens if you are that? - [Audience Member] I'll get
abandoned. I'll get rejected. - Okay. Follow-up question, and
this will be the last one. Don't worry. How do you feel
right now on a daily basis? Do you feel fulfilled and whole and happy? Or do you feel somewhat
abandoned and rejected? - [Audience Member] I
would say I feel shame. Reclusive, hiding. - Yeah, so great honesty. And
by the way, give him a hand 'cause that takes a lot, for real. (all clapping) And here's the last point with this. Reclaiming your inner
Simba, your inner lion. Is it possible that, just as you said, you do get abandoned and rejected? Yes or no? Yes, no? - [Audience Members] Yes. - Yeah! Is being authentic,
although people praise it, hey, just be authentic, be yourself. Is it peachy? No, not necessarily. Especially if you've been acting like a bug eater your entire life. Suddenly you're like,
"Hey, by the way, everyone, (laughs) I'm a lion." (screams) They run off.
(audience laughing) Literally, even your
closest relationships, your closest friendships, it might stir things up
and they might leave you. They might not be okay
with you being a lion. But here's the thing. Even though externally
they might abandon you, leave you, reject you, here's
the most important part. Internally, you stop doing that to you. Because right now, by not
claiming your inner lion, back to "Lion King,"
you're ultimately disowning and abandoning yourself,
a part of yourself. You're pretending to
be someone you're not. And although yes, externally
things might seem fine and peachy, it's never worth it. This is when you create
what I call a golden prison where at the surface
everything seems fine. And do you know how many clients I get where everything seems
fine at the surface? So many, especially
entrepreneurs, by the way, people who work a ton, and at
the surface you'd look at them and you're like, "They have it all. Look, they have friends, they have money. They even have a family. They're
doing something they love. Ugh, I wish I was them." Yet you talk to them behind the scenes, they're being eaten up inside. They're like, "Everything
seems great at the surface, but I feel terrible within. What's wrong with me?" And I tell them, "You're not honoring you. It's not worth sacrificing what's in here for what's out there." And even in terms of feeling
safe and secure in life, by the way, it's not about
designing an external situation or a safe space where you're like, "Okay, if I just control
everything, I have my friends, I have this, everything's safe, right? I just need to control
things to go my way." That'll never lead you to
true safety and security. True safety and security,
true confidence even is knowing that no matter what
happens out there, I'm okay. - [Audience Member] Right. - I can honor me, be me,
and if everyone leaves, that's okay 'cause I got me. And then it gives you the platform to build real friendships,
real relationships. Not who resonate with the front, the person you've been
pretending to be, the bug eater, but who resonate truly with you. And this is a harsh truth where, hey, if you're really willing to change, it's confronting your inner
demons, but also confronting what we call the destruction
phase of transformation. Meaning, you changed. Great. But now everything out
here is gonna change, too. Anyone who resonated
with the old you, gone. They're not gonna like it.
They're not gonna accept you. Even close friends, close relationships, that might fade away too. And you have to be
willing to sacrifice that. There's a price to pay for everything. There's a price to pay for authenticity. The price to pay for authenticity
is you have to let go of anything and everything in
your life that is inauthentic. And it's scary, it's harsh. Especially if that's all that you have 'cause then you're alone. I'm starting from scratch. Yeah, you are, but I'd
rather start from scratch now than years down the road or never. And you know when most
people start from scratch? On their deathbed, when
they realize it's too late. They're like, "What have I done?" It's like, you're gonna die now. Or they find out they have some illness. It's like, "Hey, you have stage 4 cancer." You're like, (gasps)
"Everything I lived was a lie." And that's why everyone on their deathbed always has these regrets. They're like, "Let the
younger generations know!" And it's always the same thing. It's, "I wish I would have
allowed myself to be happier. I wish I would have been more real. I wish I would've spent time with the people who truly matter." But for them it's too late,
and we don't take the warning. We're like, "Oh, that's inspirational." Back to my phone. Scroll,
scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll. No, take the warning. That's that whole "die
before you die" saying. You must all realize these things before you get to that point because there's no warning in life. Your warning is you're
born, you're gonna die. There's your warning, you're gonna die. And it's never worth
sacrificing what's in here ever. And it's a choice. It's a
commitment you must all make. And usually it comes after a lot of pain. You reach a point where you're
like, "Enough is enough." And there's also value in pain. All of you here, you are here because you've experienced
some kind of pain or you wouldn't have this openness to actually work on yourself
and confront what's going on. The things you hate
about your life the most is what led you here on this
journey of self-improvement. So there's value there, but
you can't do it halfway. You gotta commit. And trust me, although it's scary, I feel like I might lose everyone, there's that famous saying once more, although you might get rejected
and people might leave you who only resonated with the
fake front, and that might hurt. But you know what hurts a lot more? Only being accepted when you're being someone that you're not. You forever feel like an imposter. And what does it keep saying? Hey, like say you're being fake. I'm like, "Oh, you're so awesome. You're so awesome. You're so awesome." You know you're being fake.
What does it keep communicating? The fake me's so awesome.
Meaning the real me sucks. Anytime someone compliments the fake you, it tells the real you, you suck, you're worthless, you're nothing. And it does more harm to your self-esteem than anything else. And the loneliness, too, we think lonely is just having no friends, no one. No, many people are extremely lonely surrounded by so many people and even people who care
who are there for them. Hey, what's wrong? I'm here for you. But it always feels like you're just one
step back, disconnected. Like there's this invisible
wall between you and others. And although they're there,
it just doesn't click because you are not fully there for you. Until there's the click within, there won't be a click out there. So that's the work. I know
it seems fun at the surface. Same as on social media.
It sounds so great. Be authentic. Be yourself. Attract your tribe. It feels so good when
you're authentic, everyone. Follow the feel good. (laughs) No, the truth of it is, as always, don't fall for social media. The real work starts by diving
into that inner darkness. The real work is not comfortable. The real work is facing your
inner demons right into it. It's opening every closet
where you think, a part of you thinks there's a monster
in it and re-owning it. And when you do, you are free. And trust me, the
loneliness you might feel doesn't come from something
missing out there. It's in here. Someone who's there for
themselves, loves themselves, it doesn't matter who they're
with 'cause they got them. And that's the thing, all of you have you. You're in a relationship with you. And audit your time alone, away from people, away from distractions. Can you hang out with you? When's the last time you
went on a date with you? When's the last time you
went out to dinner with you? How was that? You'll see, too,
restaurants, even couples, someone goes to the bathroom immediately. Hm, need my distraction. Can't be with me. You come home after work,
TV, drink, food, something. I gotta be doing something with
me. I can't just be with me. No, be with you. That's
a lot of this work. Funny enough, it's the
same with parenting. A lot of parents, they must always do things
with their children. Oh, I gotta spend time with my kids. What's some cool activity
my kid would like? Let's do this, let's do this. And it might be the
most fun, crazy things. But when's the last time they actually were just
being with their kids? Even doing something
boring, just sitting there, just playing or listening to them, just being and offering your
full attention and presence, that's what the kid wants and
that's what you want from you. View yourself, parent and kid. Are you just doing things with yourself? I'm bored. Oh, let's do the movie thing. Let's do the work thing.
Let's do the drinking thing. Let's do the eating thing.
Let's do the TV thing. When were you just being with you, just spending time and honoring you? Can you even remember? When's the last time you played with you? Now, when I say played, everyone's like, "Hmm, oh, I know what that..."
(audience laughing) No, but when's the last time you played and just used your imagination? Funny enough, that's also a
lot of business and stuff. It's creating. Right now, what am I doing? I'm playing with myself. (laughs) Not in the way you
think, but I'm playing with me. I'm creating this thing in this moment. We lose touch with that. We're always used to
external things doing to us. Movie, do it to me.
Video game, entertain me. Restaurant, oh, feed me,
right? It's do, do, do. When were you at the cause of
your own fulfillment and joy? And you'll see this, for myself, like, it was a great reminder with kids. It's like, you see this in kids. They'll take two little
toys and they're like, "Here's the bottle toy." And making up stories
and creating and playing. Do you do that with you? And the best way to try this
is get bored more often. Create windows of boredom where you don't just jump
to the next distraction. You can schedule it in like work. Hey, for one hour today,
no distractions, nothing. I'm either gonna sit
still or entertain myself and see what comes up, for real. Same with going on a date with you. Go to a restaurant by yourself. Now you have the option. You're either gonna sit
there like, oh, it's just me. I wish someone was sitting across from me. What are people thinking of me? Oh. And no phone, by the way. You're just there with yourself waiting. You order, you're waiting for your food and now there's a great
opportunity to entertain yourself. There is massive value in boredom. We don't allow ourselves
to get bored that often. We're just rushing with
all these distractions. There's an infinite amount
of 'em with social media, all the streaming services. You could binge shows until you die. For real. It's endless. And people have gotten so used
to it, too, that the quality and standards have dropped
down to the point where people could just pump out the worst things. You're just like, "It's
better than just me. Better than hanging out with me." Like, that's why people also watch these mindless reality shows
and like all these things like, oh, like dating stuff and
they're just like, watching it. They're like, "I know this is trash but it beats being with me."
(audience laughing) Right? So it really
comes down to, once more, that relationship with you. What's it like? Can you
be excited being with you? What does it feel like to be you? I'm bored. Well, then
there's work to be done. Uh, I don't really love me. Well, then there's work to be done. A lot of this, too, is like, you could say marriage
counseling for you and yourself. Imagine you and yourself were
sitting there on the couch like you're there with
yourself and I'm like, "Okay, why do you hate her?" And you're like, "Ah, she's lazy in this." What do you have to say?
Oh, well, she does this. And like, listen to it. That too. It's the uncomfortable work. It's listening to that inner
dialogue. We all have it. That little voice in your
head, what's it saying? Stop trying to ignore it or drown it out. Listen to it and take notes. What it's saying,
although not comfortable, although usually really mean and terrible, is the most valuable information. You might procrastinate on something. You worthless piece of shit! You're like, "Oh, did
that, where did that?" Write it down. Why? Why do you think I'm
worthless? Because of this. Why else? Because of this. Take all the notes.
(audience laughing) Now you know what you're working with. That's ultimately what
gives you the game plan for what to work on. No one out here is gonna give it to you. I can't give it to you
'cause I don't know you. Only you know you. So you gotta discover in
introspect, what is running me? What's going on? If I'm in an abusive,
dysfunctional relationship with me, how can I fix this? And then it's not just
with you and present you. It's with you and younger versions of you. You've all heard the term inner child. I always joke my events are
rehab for abusive parents. All of you are the most
abusive parents. You abusers. Now, not to real children.
To your inner child. You're like, "Shut up. Get in the corner." It's like Harry Potter, "Sleep under the stairs in the closet. Shut up." I'm like, no,
re-own, re-own, forgive. But there's shame. That younger version of
me got rejected in school. Re-own. That's this work. And what you'll notice, to
conclude this first part, is with time, you'll feel
more at home within yourself, more at home within your body. No longer the need to hide,
compensate, create this mask, be cool, no longer living in
this very competitive state. Me versus! And that's how I used to feel, by the way, early on in my journey, I've been working on myself
since 2006 so for a while now, coaching since 2010, but the
first year or two coaching, it was a lot of me
versus the audience even where I came up here and
internally I felt insecure. I'm like, "Oh, I know I have
some good things to say, but I'm afraid that people see through me. What if they see that I'm
still a little shy within? (gasps) Oh no, what if
they see the anxious me that I've been all these years? Oh no, they're all against me. They're all looking for
weakness." And that's what I felt. I'd walk up here in front and instead of seeing all of you here
like, "Oh hey, how's it going?" I would view you all as enemies. Just like, mm-hmm, ready to take notes. Show us the weakness, loser. We're here to see through
the front. (laughs) And I was like, oh, okay, me versus. And it wasn't me versus like, gotta dominate or hurt you or whatnot. But it was like, just gotta be cool. Do you like me? Look how cool I am. And I'd compensate. As opposed to, hey, no, what
you see is what you get. Here's me. (exhales deeply) And notice how ridiculous
that inner dialogue is, too. I'm here and they're the enemy. Yet if we actually logically
look at the situation, no one's the enemy. All of us are here 'cause we believe in working on ourselves. None of you showed up here
being like, "Screw this guy!" You're here 'cause like, hey,
I like this guy's content. Please deliver value here in
person. That's why I'm here. I put in the effort to
show up here in person, which by the way, isn't nothing, and thank you for showing up in person. Old me would have been
way too scared to show up. I'm like, just behind
the screen on YouTube. Never in person. So you had the balls and
courage to show up here. I said balls, but I said, you know, the whatever encouraged
to be here, respect. You want this event to go
well. You're rooting for me. You're like, "Come on, give
us the value. You got this!" Yet it's funny how in my head in the day I was like,
"No, they're against me." How many situations in your
lives is that happening? People want you to succeed. It's crazy. Friends might want you to succeed. Maybe not all.
(audience laughing) Family members might want you to succeed. Maybe not all.
(audience laughing) So many people want you to succeed and we're like, "No,
they're all against me." 'Cause those deep-rooted
beliefs programmed into you during your childhood are more powerful than whatever conscious ones you try to make yourself think now, and they will hijack your focus and they will block out
anything that goes against 'em. And that's why this work is so important.
