Stephen Colbert gives a funny farewell to Wake Forest University class of 2015

Stephen Colbert gave a hilarious commencement speech at Wake Forest University had just like the expected future host of The Late Show he did not disappoint good morning oh what a day what a lovely day it's a pleasure to be addressing the Wake Forest graduating class of 2015 I want to start by thanking the administration and the trustees for inviting me to speak I want to thank them for giving me an honorary Doctorate of humanities I'm I'm a huge fan of humans I have to thank them for this thing around my neck there's nothing you want on a chilly day like today than a nice scarf and I especially want to thank the university president Nathan o hatch known to you as Nate dog natty oh the hatchet hatch Adams senator Orrin Hatch angel dust and I only made a couple of those up of course we mustn't forget the parents who to get you students to this day have sacrificed so many things primarily money I'm sure there are other things they've sacrificed but I'm going to guess that money's the one they bring up most often most importantly congratulations to you the class of 2015 you did it and you look amazing although it's a little embarrassing you all showed up in the same outfit really maybe even all the accessories are the same everyone has a black and gold tassel or is it blue and white grandparents just know this was the issue that divided a generation you had the Vietnam War your grandchildren had an ambiguously colored tumblr tumblr posts I'm so proud to be your commencement speaker today because I know that I am following in some impressive footsteps last year you heard from New York Times executive editor Jill Abramson who unfortunately lost her job just five days before her speech is there something you know about my new job that I don't please just tell me I really need that money I have kids in college of course for you grads the future is a dark chasm of yawning uncertainty but don't worry you don't have to face the future for like two hours first brunch then yawning uncertainty but for now you are still nestled in the beautiful comforting bosom of Wake Forest there's an interesting story about how this institution came to be the father of Wake Forest Samuel Waite was trying to raise money for a different school but during his travels his horse ran off and it became stranded nearby so the locals asked him to lead their new University it was a simpler time back then they just handed out universities to whoever's horse had run off most recently this man has no control over his animals surely he has something to teach us all of course Wake Forest or whack fo as I've been asked by Provost Kirsch not to call it wasn't always the purely academic institution it is today it was founded as the seductively named Wake Forest manual labor Institute and students spent half their day toiling in the fields the first class had just 16 students one of them just 12 years old but he was a prodigy he could haul sacks of grain at a college level back then of course if you didn't get into the Wake Forest manual labor Institute you could always settle for the North Carolina crushing toil Academy which now of course is known as UNC Wake Forest has always been a leader in the late 19th century this was among the first southern schools to teach biology in a lab before then you weren't supposed to learn biology until marriage in 1962 Wake Forest had the proud distinction of being the South's first major private school to integrate and yes they've kept it up all right good good you don't know these days you don't know even now Wake Forest is Trailblazer you are America's first top 30 school to make standardized testing optional the implications are huge consider this in a group of 30 applicants we're 15 took the SATs 10 took the a CTS and 5 took no tests calculate the ratio between two actually forget it y'all didn't have to know any of that stuff still while Wake has been a trailblazer this is a school that respects tradition traditions like rolling the quad with toilet paper after big wins and this is actually an eco-friendly tradition because looking at this season's win-loss record you guys saved a lot of paper let me win you back Duke sucks I do want to say one thing that I love about rolling the quad it really sticks it to the trees I mean covering a tree with a processed pulp of its relatives that sends a harsh message best like throwing wallets an alligator or flinging piano keys at an elephant speaking of the quad streaking is anyone here naked under their robes no just just me okay you are the rare school that not only streaks your quad you also have a 24-hour live webcam pointed at it come on Nathan on a webcam really you young people know that's wrong those are the kind of pictures you're supposed to snapchat to each other you people also have campus traditions that are people I want to give a shout out to mr. Dean Shore the University barber there is Dean actually he actually contacted me first by sending me a facebook request the minute my plane landed he's a friend to so many students and a real throwback to a simpler time because when your biggest local celebrity is a barber you're basically a medieval village but of all the local celebrities none is more famous than your mascot the demon deacon everybody loves the deacon when he rides out on his motorcycle during basketball games the crowd erupts with a madness that can come only from the passion of true fans or from inhaling motorcycle fumes in an enclosed space clearly Wake Forest has come a long way since it was a labor school founded by a horseless drifter but as great as Wake Forest is Wake is your past now it is my responsibility as a commencement speaker to prepare you for what awaits you in the future here it is no one has any idea what's going to happen not even Elon Musk that's why he's building those Rockets he wants a plan B on another world but whatever happens I think it's entirely appropriate that I'm the one talking to you right now because I just spent many years learning to do one thing really well I got so comfortable with that place that role those responsibilities that it came to define how I saw myself but now that part of my life is over it's time to say goodbye to the person we've become we've worked so hard to perfect and to make some crucial decisions and becoming who we're going to be for me I'll have to figure out how to do an hour-long show every night and you at some point will have to sleep I am told the adderall wears off eventually good luck but this uncertainty is not new to your generation the future is always uncertain the only thing we can sure will happen in 2016 is that will elect a new president and that between now and then about this many people will run as the Republican nominee yes you are graduating into an election year which is a technical term for two years before an election a lot of candidates will be vying for your attention and you will perform the ultimate civic duty deciding for whom you will swipe left and for whom you will swipe right because I think we're voting on tinder now at least the Republicans our Democrats might be voting on Grindr I don't know and with all these people appealing to you you're gonna have to learn pretty damn quick how to tell the difference between hype and substance so to keep folks from selling you things and ideas that aren't true you will need a well calibrated BS detector and luckily I'm selling them today for the low low price of just 89.95 order now and I'll include an anti flim-flam travel case that Stephen Colbert's BS detector if you buy it that means you needed it if there's one thing you need even more it's your own set of standards it may seem counterintuitive now but once you leave here you may miss being graded on all your work because when you're out of school there are no objective criteria for achievement anymore people my age will sometimes say to you hey that work you did that that thing you said that cause you championed it's not good well having your own standards will help you weather moments like that having your own standards allows you to perceive success where others may see failure I'm reminded of one famous inventor who was ridiculed for his dream but flash forward 15 years to today and do we or do we not now all ride segways to work we do not but they are featured prominently in the movie paul blart mall cop that's good too here's another example over the years I have given my work a lot of thought I have my own standard for success now I have a pretty good idea of what jokes will get laughs and a pretty good idea of what jokes maybe iffy but I'm going to say them anyway because I kind of like how iffy they are and those who have watched my show over the years know I have made that decision many times but having my own standards is why I could keep going at times when no one laughed or when I thought the person I was interviewing my throw a punch at me it's also why the epitaph on my tombstone will probably read well I thought it was funny of course any standards worth having will be a challenge to meet and most of the time you will fall short but what is nice about having your own set of standards is that from now on you fill out your own report card so do yourself a favor be an easy grader score yourself on a curve give yourself extra credit you have the power you are your own professor now which I know is a little creepy because that means you're showering with your professor but you have tenure they can't fire you so I hope you find the courage to decide for yourself what is right and what is wrong and then please expect as much of the world around you try to make the world good according to your standards it won't be easy get ready for my generation to tell you everything that can't be done like ending racial tension or getting money out of politics or lowering the world's carbon emissions and we should know they can't be done after all we're the ones who didn't do them your job pro-human atonte is to prove us wrong because if you don't prove us wrong then forget everything I've been saying and instead I'd like to leave you with a bit of wisdom I picked up from a documentary I saw this weekend Mad Max fury road all you young people really need to succeed in the future is a reliable source of fuel and a fanatical cadre of psychopathic motorcycle killers may you ride eternal shiny and chrome thank you for the honor of addressing you and congratulations again to the Wake Forest class of 2015 love that is shout out the school's barber mr. Dean Shaw got the biggest round of applause absolutely pearls of wisdom from Stephen Colbert

Channel: CBS News

Views: 635,144

Keywords: video, live streaming, live video, cbsn, comedy, late, show, graduation, commencement, speech

Id: VbzrmIqstd8

Length: 13min 48sec (828 seconds)

Published: Mon May 18 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/fooke33]

Leave it to Wake to be so far ahead of the game that they lose on purpose to save the environment

[u/i_fap_to_anything]

Stephen Stephen Stephen Stephen.

I miss The report. I hope The late show will be as good as the report

[u/DBHT14]

AND WE HELPED!

[u/bytor_2112]

I was there! Note that he immediately followed this with:

"lemme win you back....... Duke sucks"

[u/[deleted]]

That's nice and all but can we please go back to Baylor bashing

[u/[deleted]]

Is it cool to dislike Wake yet? Or is it still all 'Wake is great?'

Edit: Guess that answers my question...

[u/proace360]

Hahaha is this entire speech just a Wake roast?

[u/jonboy345]

Fuck outdoor graduations.

Gimme dat air cundishunin.

[u/Emperor_of_Orange]

I think I love Stephen Colbert.