Maya Rudolph delivers commencement laughs to Tulane Class of 2015

well well well here we are at all these beautiful faces and iPhones thank you so much president Fitz the board of two lane members and today's honorary degree recipients good morning graduates yeah families and friends of graduates mothers father s brothers brothers from other mothers sisters roommates roommates grandmas and grandpas mimas and papa Bubbies and Nanas and Bas Nani G's and their special friend herb Aunt Ronnie's Uncle Garry's and people who met on Tinder this morning I thank you for having me here to join you on this special day in this incredible City I stand Here humbled gracious and completely naked under this robe it really is a true honor to be with all of you as you begin this new phase of your life as you embark on this exciting and challenging journey of Being Sober during the day yeah it's going to it's going to be interesting I applaud you for being here today because it means not only have you earned a college degree but you have found this Arena despite still having a blood alcohol level of nine I'm looking at you School of Public Health and tropical medicine you don't fool me from this day forward the world is filled with Endless Possibilities you're young you're in your 20s this is a great great day for you except for those of you leaving college with any student loan debt I don't I don't know what to say to you guys I'm sorry I hope you win the lottery I don't know what to tell you about that um well back in January when the university asked me to make today's commencement speech I was delighted so when I started writing it this morning back at the hotel the first thing I did was go online and look up other commencement speeches and then I got tired so I took a nap I woke up cried a little bit ordered some wos rench arrows from room service and then I cried a little bit more and then I picked myself up by the bootstraps and decided to go back to sleep and after I hit that snooze button like four or five times I got up again and I did what all of you probably did while you were pushing through finals week I made sure all the apps on my phone were updated because that felt like the most important thing then I checked Facebook Twitter Instagram and Snapchat I periscoped my breakfast I took four quizzes on BuzzFeed and I I watched Game of Thrones and as I as I finished writing the speech on the car right over here this morning I thought I thought about just how deep my two lane routes are I am very proud to say that my father Richard Rudolph graduated class in 1968 right over there and today my cousin Sabrina Rudolph is graduating with all of you Sabrina Sabrina I'd like to embarrass you by please asking you to stand up and wave at everyone in the super doome okay there she is I am so so proud of you now please don't Sully the family name it's very very easy to do that Benjamin Franklin Napoleon Jay-Z LeBron James Lucille Ball C3PO these are all graduates of two lane University according to my phone and they all graduated Magna Carta Holy Grail now I don't speak Latin so I do not know what that means but I do speak pig Latin so I know how to say I eeke ige ATL it just means I speak pig Latin now I did not go to tulan I graduated from from UC Santa Cruz which is a yep oh you guys know it well it's a little hippie School nestled in the beautiful Seaside Woods of Northern California so so it's like this you guys have the Green Wave and our school mascot was the banana slug we did not have a football team but in fact we had an ultimate frisbee team it's different right right I majored in not washing my feet and Advance zigzag rolling so so for a lot of my fiveyear college career I was lost like actually lost Santa Cruz is is mostly Woods you make one wrong turn and you're gone for days but I didn't know who I was or or what I was going to do with my life when I finished college and I wasn't any clearer about my direction than the the day I graduated high school I wore birken stocks and I smelled like a pachuli fart and I'm only willing to admit that now that birken stocks are sold at Urban Outfitters and then during Senior Year my father asked me what I plan to do after I graduated and I told him I want to be on Saturday Night Live live it's true but it it wasn't until that moment I never wanted to admit that being on SNL was my dream I never wanted to admit that I was a thespian and this was back in the days when people were not talking about being thespians it was before thespians could marry and my dad did what any great teacher would do he looked at me unfazed and said great and how do you plan to support yourself while you figure that out and when are you going to wash your feet he was realistic supportive deflected the responsibility back to me and subtly showed his support for his daughter's pursuit of a long life in fart jokes so I did what many of you will probably do I enrolled in more college and asked my dad to pay for it at the Groundlings theater in Los Angeles I studied improvisation and in improvisation there is one hard and fast Rule and that rule is known as yes and the term yes and to say yes and not just yes but to add information so in the adding of information you don't negate the other person's idea but in fact you build on it so it's like this if I'm in a scene with you profess president fit uh and you say hey you're opra Winfrey and I say no I'm not then our scene would be over but president Fitz if you say hey you're oppra Winfrey and I say yes I am and Today class of 2015 look under your seats because you are all leaving here today with a college diploma you get a diploma you get a diploma you get a diploma and you sir you get a diploma we're all getting diplom almost lost my hat on that bit so if I could give my 21-year-old self any advice it would be to take as many bikini photos as you can now because your body is smoking hot and let me tell you something it will not be this banging after after child birth but seriously if I could give my 21y old self the advice I'm giving you today and if I had a time machine well if I had a time machine then I would go back in time and I would probably invent the iPhone because I think I could make a ton of money but if I must give any of you advice it would be this say yes say yes say yes and and create your own destiny so hold on to your old friends it's good kiss your mama admit what your dreams are don't beit yourself up if you don't know what you're going to do tomorrow but work hard and don't be lazy and put away your damn iPhone once in a while and also be nice to jerks because we still don't know the criteria for getting into heaven yet now go make your parents proud and figure out how to end global warming I love you class of 2015 now one more thing um if you would indulge me since we are in the the Super Dome would you mind Rising one more time for the national anthem come on it's my turn and by the ear do what so less blaming the who brother stes and right right oh the ram rod we watched and the rockets red glare the bombs bursting up in the air Give a Little Bit Of Proof through the bite cuz it's one two knee Stacks in you're out I will baby buy me some euts and Apple Jacks I don't care if cuz if you're likeing n ring on it said if you like it then you should have put a ring on it don't be mad cuz you see that he want it cuz if you like it I shut up on a ring woke up in the kitchen saying how the hell did this is happen oh the bra B to the o to the a to the e to the V to the e play ball congratulations class of 2015

Channel: CBS News

Views: 98,022

Keywords: video, live streaming, live video, cbsn, Saturday, Night, Live, Graduation, speech, commencement, Tulane, New, Orleans

Id: K-FM8hdxb2s

Length: 16min 10sec (970 seconds)

Published: Mon May 18 2015