It is my great great pleasure to welcome
Whitney back to Annenberg. Hi everybody, hello, hi, keep laughing, keep laughing. Wow this is awesome, it's so good to be back at Annenberg I... I'm just glad that you
guys are ok with people knowing that I went to school here; I felt like you guys
were probably hiding it. There's so many, when I walked on to campus, so many like amazing memories started flashing back into my mind. I remember watching the
great Desmond Tutu speak at my graduation in 2003, I'm basically the
same thing. And then some not-so-great memories also flashed into my mind, like when I rolled my ankle trying to take a picture of myself on that button
sculpture, and when I got my wallet stolen at Barnes & Noble, which is now a
Penn bookstore, I got robbed there. But it is good to be back. I had an incredible experience here at Penn. It was here at Penn that I took a Women's Studies class,
it inspired me to dedicate my life to talking about the female experience. It
was here at Annenberg that I took a class with Dr. Carolyn Marvin who
introduced me to George Carlin. She, in her freedom of expression class, I think it was called First Amendment at the time, she played us the George Carlin's
seven dirty words speech, and it was then that I decided I wanted to say curse
words for a living. Thank you for that. And it was here that I met my first
awful boyfriend, who inspired me to talk about terrible relationships for a
living. So in terms of what I want to say to you guys today, I mean I don't want to generically just ramble about my career, because if you want to hear that you can
just google me. And I don't want to stand up here and regurgitate inspirational
quotes, because nowadays you can find inspirational quotes on like Instagram,
so I'm gonna keep it very simple and I am going to tell you what I've learned
and what I wish someone would have told me when I was your age sitting in your
position. I'm sure you're all wondering what's gonna happen next in your lives, I can't tell you everything that's going to occur, but I can tell you with certainty a couple things that will absolutely happen in
the next 10 years. You will get rejected, you will fail, you will get hurt, you will have a terrible boss who treats you unfairly, you will make mistakes, you will
embarrass yourself horribly, your cell phone will fall into a toilet. You will
get wrinkles, and if you're a girl, you'll look in your rear-view mirror one day
and see that you've grown a moustache. You will get your heart broken, you will
lose something that you thought you would die without, and believe it or not
these will be the best things that have ever happened to you, and I believe an
Ivy League education has developed your mind, but these ostensible disasters are what are gonna develop your soul, And believe it or not, you know in no particular order I am going to list a couple of the
best things that ever happened to me, in my professional career. I got hired to write a pilot for Fox, they did not pick it up, I actually don't think they even
read it. I wrote another pilot for Comedy Central, they not only didn't pick it up,
they didn't even tell me they didn't pick it up. I ran into someone that worked there at a comedy festival, and I was like, "Oh so what happened with that?"
and he was like, "Oh yeah we're not doing it" I didn't even get the respect of
being told it didn't get picked up. I signed with a huge talent agency in Los
Angeles and my agent told me that I wasn't pretty enough to ever star in a
television show. He said to my face that I was too quirky to ever be a leading
lady. I have since fired his ass. I booked a pilot, as an actress, for a
major network after we shot it, I got fired. And over the phone, they called me
over the phone on a weekend, and I literally thought they were asking me to
like hang out and they fired me over the phone, probably because I was too quirky
or not pretty enough, he was right. I finally wrote a show that did get
picked up, and before it even aired I got lambasted by critics. I got
attacked for my body, my voice, basically all the things about myself that I can't
change. I then got sued by someone who told me I stole their idea, based on my
life. Which I was like this can't possibly be true, the show was about how I was like a broke jerk. I was like this can't be true because if you truly have my life you wouldn't be able to afford to sue me, dummy. So, anyway, and
that show ended after two seasons. So you're probably looking up here at me
thinking I'm some big success story, but the truth is that I am a giant failure. I
just kept failing and failing until I got what I wanted. And I realized that my
failures were why I got successful, because, you know, my failures are what
made me the kind of person that deserves success, and who knew what to do with it
once I got it. All of you here today have the best education money can buy, you
went to the University of Pennsylvania at the Annenberg School of Communication, you know. But if you don't have grit and heart, and if you don't have tenacity, and
perspective, and the ability to alchemize a crappy situation into something
valuable, you don't have much of anything. For me personally, my failures have been
the only real advantage I've had in my career. As a writer and a performer, the
most important aspect of writing stories in television or movies is conflict. In
order to write about mistakes, you have to have made some. In order to write
about pain you have to have felt some. In order to feel sympathy you have to have
been victimized. In order for art to imitate life, you have to have a life,
otherwise art will just imitate art and your left
being unoriginal and derivative. You have never seen a movie or TV
show where everything in the story just works out perfectly that would be a
terrible show that's like, Hannah Montana or something, I don't know. You know when
I was your age and something bad would happen, I would fall apart. I would cry, feel sorry for myself I thought my life was over. But today, when something
bad happens, I actually get excited because I know that I'm being, you know,
rerouted to something better, or if nothing else I'm gonna get a good story
out of it or a good joke at least, you know? And I know it sounds like some kind
of emotional like dyslexia or weird scientology trick or something, but every
disaster in my life, from being fired to being cheated on, ended up serving me.
Like jokes about horrible dates literally paid for my house, I'm telling
you. So I'm trying to get this into your head cuz I did not understand this at
your age, every time something seemingly and auspicious is in your path, I promise
you it's for your own good. Even if it's not in the sparkling like wrapping paper
that you'd expect. The sooner you understand that what you perceive as rejection or failure is actually a gift, and that you may not be getting what you
want but you're getting exactly what you need, the sooner you'll be living your
dream. So as you go out into the world and you embark on your life's mission, I
advise you do not miss any opportunities to fail miserably. If you're here today
you're probably used to winning a lot, right? You're used to being the best,
you're used to being the smartest. Now it's time to eat shit, okay? You told me I could... her class
says that I can talk like this. First Amendment right. I promise you if you're
not failing on a consistent basis, that probably means you aren't taking enough
risks. And to that point, I would say pick a vocation you enjoy failing at, because
that's why you'll succeed. Whenever someone asks me how to become a stand-up
comedian, I always ask them do you love failing at it? As the great comedian
Louis C.K. says, "Stand-up is a profession where you succeed by failing" Every night
I get on stage with new material, and all comedians we still suck sometimes, you
know? We just keep sucking and sucking, until the audience won't let us anymore,
until we figure out why something is funny. So if you're only pursuing a job
for the glamorous moments, I would say rethink your path. Okay, for example if you don't love eating rubbery chicken fingers in filthy comedy clubs, flying in
a middle seat to Pensacola to make 50 dollars a show making drunk strangers
laugh, don't become a comedian. If you don't love having back pain and
migraines from staring at your computer screen and having weakly nervous
breakdowns I don't recommend becoming a writer. If you don't love being told you
aren't pretty enough, if you don't like changing clothes in your car three times
a day and having blotchy face from self-tanner, don't become an actress. This
is the way you need to think about your future. You cannot avoid rejection, so my
advice is to learn to love it, crave it. Like make failure your comfort zone,
reverse your desire, and start to view rejections as one step closer to your
goal. I believe that rejection is Noble.
Rejection means you've been taking a lot of swings, I wrote five pilots before one
got made, I went on hundreds of auditions before I booked one acting job, even that
one I got fired from. Get rejected a lot, because being numb to rejection, that is true freedom. Think about it, someone who isn't afraid of failing, that person is
literally unstoppable. That person is a force to be reckoned with. I have to hire people a lot, I don't know if you guys have been going on interviews and stuff
yet, but I interview literally hundreds of people all the time for like about
ten slots. And one employee is always stuck with me, this writer named Lauren
Greenberg, and when I met with her she had never written on a television show
before. She got a meeting because she had funny like tweets, on Twitter, on her Twitter feed. You guys make me feel so old I can't
even say that without it seeming like an idiot. Anyway, Lauren was by far the
least qualified person that I met with, so when she came in I just asked her
about her personal life. Be ready for that because I don't, I don't really care about you know credits, and this is the worst thing you could possibly hear
right now, but I don't really care I literally don't even read resumes, I just
try to figure out who the person is because they have to spend every day
with you in an office you know, so I don't look at resumes. And she ended up
going on this weird tangent about how her mom signed her up for JDate without
telling her. And she had a nervous breakdown in my office, and she started
crying because she was so depressed about her job, she was promoting some
weird diet food and she was like... Anyway it's she sounds wildly unprofessional
and mentally unstable, I know, But I hired her on the spot. I hired her solely because she cried in the meeting. I was so impressed by her vulnerability, and
her honesty, and her ability to surrender to the unhinged broken side of herself.
You know she told me the truth instead of telling me some rehearsed monologue
of what she thought I wanted to hear. And she by far gave the worst meeting I've
ever had and, but she showed me her soul. And in my field someone who can
tap into that is the quarterback of any writing staff And she now writes for
James Corden, and is probably more successful than I am. So I dare you to be brave enough to be terrible at something. Figure out your weaknesses and how they can be strengths. So pitch that ridiculous idea, write that
weird script, invent that insane product. You know do what everyone else thinks is
impossible, cry in a meeting. I mean lose your mind, it's like, tell the
truth because when you tell the truth, I know that it's messy and frustrating and
it's inconvenient, but that's where your soul is. I dare you to go out there and
be called insane. Dare to be called annoying, dare to be called
crazy. Because I promise you all the most influential successful people are called
those things at one point. As far as I'm concerned you have not made it in your
field until someone's called you crazy, and I feel like I've made it because I
get called that a lot. It's usually crazy bitch but that's another story. I don't want to spend this whole time talking about failure because that would
be weird for a graduation speech so I will talk about success for a minute. I
don't know a ton about success because as I said I basically failed my way to
where I am, but here's the thing. Here's what I do know about success. The more
unachievable your goal is, the less competition you're gonna have. So I
advise you to set unreasonable goals. Okay because the thing is you're all
gonna get everything you want, you went to Penn. You know you're obviously
erudite, you have ambition. I've already, you guys already have jobs, it's
unbelievable. All this stuff she was reading I can't believe you. You
went to Penn, so but here's the thing, if you want to start that company or get
that book deal you can probably do that, right? And those are big goals, but I
think you should think bigger. I think you should think on a more visceral
level. How about instead of the goal be a journalist, how about be a hero? Have it instead of make a million dollars how about make a difference? Instead of get a brownstone in Brooklyn,
how about change the world? Instead of start a company how about start
a revolution. The world has enough writers, enough lawyers, enough advertising,
executives. I think we can all agree that what we need more of are role models,
game changers, and visionaries. And if you don't think your goal is big enough, I think I can help you find out. If you're not terrified every morning, when you wake up, it's probably not big enough. If you're not constantly terrified, and
being called crazy, and hearing no, you might want to rethink your approach. I
think most people would probably get up here and tell you how to avoid fear, and
avoid failure, but I'm telling you that you should chase failure as fast as you
can. My life basically consists of going from fear, to failure, to fear back to
failure, and I must say I am living my dream, and I'm so happy.
Now the last thing I want to do is leave you with some things that I wish someone
told me at your age, when I was in your shoes, 20-21 years old graduating from
Penn. These are just some random pieces of advice as you go out into the world
so you don't end up having the same regrets that I have. Don't text naked photos of yourself to anyone. And if you must, crop your head out. But
you shouldn't. If someone forces you to do it, just break up with them. That's a
crazy person, there's so much porn out there, why would you need to do that?
Another thing don't be afraid to say I don't know. I used to be terrified
to admit that I didn't know something. I thought that it was a sign of weakness
but nobody expects you to know everything, and nobody likes the person
who does know everything don't be that person. Person's annoying. Also, parents will probably be with me on this, shut up. Don't talk so much. Say half of what you
want to say, okay? After a lot of therapy and self searching, I've realized that usually when I'm talking it's not to actually communicate, it's usually to try
and charm someone, or make them like me, or hear myself talk, or show off and
that's transparent, it's ineffective. I know you all majored in communications,
but I'm telling you, cut your communication in half. Because it's the
more you talk the less people listen and I probably should have taken that advice
when I wrote this. Be selfish with your time, there's a lot competing for your
attention these days: Instagram Twitter vine snapchat if you're gross. Be careful what you give your attention to because time goes by so fast, and it waits for no one. If you don't believe me, Google the kid
from Two and a Half Men he's 21 now, a week ago I felt like he was like 10.
Don't waste your time, I wasted a year in my 20s on MySpace that I will never get
back. Another thing I wish someone had told me at your age, nobody cares about your clothes, this is another thing parents will appreciate. Nobody cares what you're wearing just get like five good black shirts. I've interviewed hundreds of people and I have never once given someone a job because I like their
clothes it's not important, okay? Everyone I've ever hired and ever promoted, I can't tell you one thing they wore, so use your time and money for much more
effective things. See look at me I nailed it today This sounds very cliche, but enjoy what
you're doing. I know that that sounds corny, but if you have fun at what you're
doing you're actually gonna be better at your job and so is everyone else around
you, his has been proven by neurologists. A couple years ago I had a really big
opportunity. I had a dream come true, and I was too stressed out in controlling to
even be present. I was so worried about what was going to go wrong tomorrow that
I couldn't be in my body today. And worrying about tomorrow does a
disservice to today's work. I know we're brainwashed to multitask and plan ahead
but it took me 10 years to learn that you'll have a lot less work tomorrow if
you just give a hundred percent to what you're doing today. And if you're focused
on the problems of tomorrow, that's exactly what you're gonna get, problems
tomorrow. As a snowboard instructor told me, you go where you look. If you go up
you go up if you go down you go down, so look up. Of course he told me that after
I broke my shoulder snowboarding, which was not very helpful. Also don't try to
network, I feel like this is a new thing. It's not a thing. I have a lot of people
come to me and they ask me to have dinner, and network with me, no. Don't
network just work, okay? There's no point in knowing powerful people if you don't
have a skill to show them. I feel like networking perpetuates this false sense
of success. Just spend your time earning your career and I promise you you will
get it. As someone very wise in the business told me that everyone gets the
career they deserve, except Jennifer Lopez, I can't explain
that. Another thing, don't mistake busyness for
productivity, they're not the same thing, okay? Or being busy for being successful,
in a society we like we glorify busy, right? And I urge you not to glorify
busy, I urge you to glorify mindfulness. Being busy may just mean you're bad at
organizing your time, which is not impressive to anyone. It took me a long
time to learn that being busy and being effective are not the same thing. And lastly, wear sunscreen. And if you're girl, freeze your eggs before you're 35, and don't date actors or musicians. Thank you and congratulations.
