[Archive] Jon Stewart Commencement Address

the host of The Daily Show John Stewart class of 1984 [Applause] thank you thank you Thank You mr. president I had forgotten how crushing lead all these ceremonies are thank you my best to the choir I have to say that song never grows old for me whenever I hear that song it reminds me of nothing I am honored to be here I do have a confession to make before we get going that I should explain very quickly when I am NOT on television this is actually how I dress I apologize but this is thank you thank you there's something very freeing about it I congratulate the students for being able to walk even a half a mile in this non breathable fabric in the Williamsburg Heat [Applause] I am sure the environment that now exists under your robes are the same conditions that primordial life began on this earth I know there were some parents that were concerned about my speech here tonight and I want to assure you that you will not hear any language that is not common at say a dockworkers Union meeting or Tourette's convention or profanity seminar rest assured I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary Doctorate when I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan I can't help but wonder what has happened to this place seriously it saddens me as a person I'm honored to get it as an alumnus I have to say I believe we can do better and I believe we should but it has always been a dream of mine to receive a doctorate and to know that today without putting in any effort I will it's incredibly gratifying thank you it's very nice of you I appreciate it thank you I'm sure my fellow doctoral graduates who have spent so long toiling and academia sinking into debt sacrificing god knows how many years of what in truth is a piece of parchment that has been so devalued by our instant gratification culture has to been rendered meaningless we'll join in congratulating me thank you but today isn't about how my presence here D values this fine institution it is about you the graduates I'm honored to be here to congratulate you today today is the day you enter into the real world and I should give you a few pointers on what it is it's actually not that different from the environment here the biggest difference is you will now be paying for things and the real world is not surrounded by a three-foot brick wall and the real world is not a restoration if you see people in the real world making bricks out of straw and water those people are not colonial reenactors they are poor help them and in the real world there's not as much candle lighting I don't really know what it is about this campus and candle lighting but I wish it would stop we only have so much wax people let's talk about the real world for a moment we had been discussing it earlier and I I wanted to bring this up to you earlier about the real world and this is I guess as good a time as any I don't really know how to put this so I'll be blunt we broke it ah please don't be mad I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation of world better than the one we were handed so sorry I don't know if you've been following the news lately but it just kind of got away from us somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless Empire we heard kind of a pinging noise and then the damn thing just died on us so I apologize but here's the good news you fix this thing you're the next Greatest Generation people you do this [Applause] and I believe you can you win this war on terror and Tom Brokaw's kissing your ass from here to Tikrit let me tell you [Applause] and even if you don't you're not going to have much trouble surpassing my generation if you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don't give the thumbs-up you've outdid us we declared war on terror we declared war on terror it's not even a noun so good luck after we defeated I'm sure we'll take on that bastard unwi but obviously that's the world what about your lives what piece of wisdom can i impart to you about my journey that will somehow ease your transition from college back to your parents basement I know some of you are nostalgic today filled with excitement and perhaps uncertainty of what the future holds I know six of you are trying to figure out how to make a bong out of your caps believe you are members of psy you and that did work thank you for the reference so I thought I'd talk a little bit about my experience here at William and Mary it was very long ago and if you had been to William and Mary while I was here and found out that I would be the commencement speaker 20 years later you would be somewhat surprised and probably somewhat angry I came to William and Mary because as a Jewish person I wanted to explore the rich tapestry of Judaica that is southern Virginia imagine my surprise when I realized the tribe was not what I thought it meant [Applause] in 1980 I was 17 years old when I moved to Williamsburg my hall was in the basement of Yates which combined the cheerfulness of a bomb shelter with the prison like comfort of the group shower as a freshman I was quite a catch less than five feet tall yet my head is the same size it is now didn't even really look like a head it looked more like a container for a head I looked like a peanuts character peanuts characters had terrible acne but what I lacked in looks I made up for with a repugnant personality in 1981 I lost my virginity only to gain it back again on appeal in 1983 you could say that my one saving grace was academics where I excelled but I did not and yet now I live in the rarefied air of celebrity of mega stardom my life a series of anonymous Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah Center brunches with the cast of friends at least that's what my handlers tell me I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh so I know that the decisions that I made after college worked out but at the time I didn't know that they would see college is not necessarily predictive of your future success and it's the kind of thing where the path that I chose obviously wouldn't work for you for one you're not very funny so how do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire and the honest answer is this you won't and accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience I was not exceptional here and I'm not now I was mediocre here and I'm not saying aim low not everybody can wander round and in alcoholic haze and then at forty just you know decide to be President you've got to really work hard to try to I was actually referring to my father when I left William and Mary I was shell-shocked because when you're in college it's very clear what you have to do to succeed and I imagine here everybody knows exactly the number of credits that they needed to graduate where they had to buckle down which introductory psychology class would Pat out the schedule you knew what you had to do to get to this college and to graduate from it but the unfortunate yet truly exciting thing about your life is there is no core curriculum the entire place is an elective the paths are infinite and the results uncertain and it can be maddening to those that go here especially here because your strength has always been achievement so if there's any real advice I can give you it's this college is something you complete life is something you experience so don't worry about your grade or the results or success success is defined in myriad ways and you will find it and people will no longer be grading you but it will come from your own internal sense of decency which I imagine after going through the program here is quite strong love what you do although I'm sure downloading illegal files but that now that's a different story love what you do get good at it competence is a rare commodity in this day and age and let the chips fall where they may and the last thing I want to address is the idea that somehow this new generation is not as prepared for the sacrifice and the tenacity that will be needed in the difficult times ahead I have not found this generation to be cynical or apathetic or selfish they are as strong and as decent as any people that I have met and I will say this on my way down here I stopped at Bethesda Naval and when you talk to the young kids that are there that have just been back from Iraq and Afghanistan you don't have to worry about the future that you hear from so many that are not a part of this generation but judging it from above and the other thing that I will say is when I spoke earlier about the world being broke I was somewhat being facetious because every generation has their challenge and things change rapidly and life gets better in an instant I was in New York on 9/11 when the towers came down I live 14 blocks from the Twin Towers and when they came down I thought that the world had ended and I remember walking around in a daze for weeks and Mayor Giuliani had said to the city you've got to get back to normal we've got to show that things can change and get back to what they were and one day I was coming out of my building and on my stoop was a man who was crouched over and he appeared to be in deep thought and as I got closer to him I realized he was playing with himself and that's when I thought you know what we're going to be okay thank you congratulations I honor you good night

Channel: William & Mary

Views: 360,109

Keywords: jon, stewart, 2004, commencement, william, and, mary, college, of, university, williamsburg, virginia, tribe, 1693, wm, w&m, address

Id: ajPvjKFFIAo

Length: 15min 27sec (927 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 29 2010