- [Interviewer] So, so
you were very depressed in the last talk or two we've done, right? - Yeah. I was very depressed, but I was going through a lot of traumas 'cause living on the
streets is hard because traumas that you've never had, being homeless can like
create fears and, and, and scares and traumas in your life, like having to change in front of people on the fucking street, and, and like, I've always looked at
people in their face. Alright. And that's caused the trauma because when you become homeless and you look at people in their face, and if you can, you feel like you can read their expressions and their body language, and a lot of times you feel
like when they look at you, they're directing them towards you. It, even though a lot of times
it can be all in your head, I guess, and then other times not, I
mean, it just creates trauma. I don't look at people in their face. I, I can't hear now out of my left ear. - [Interviewer] Why is that? - I don't know. I haven't been able to hear like this. So now, like, I, I hear things, like, like I swear to God the other day when I'm in the women's
restroom by myself, somebody kept saying my name and telling me to get downstairs. And I was like, I ran to the security and I
was like, did you call me? And she was like, no. I said, are you sure? I was like, girl, I could have sworn
somebody came in the room and like yelled Stephanie and hurry up. And somebody is downstairs waiting on you. And she was like, nah, I
wouldn't fuck with you like that. And, but it's like, you know, I, I'm, I, I just can't hear out of that ear. And I lost a fucking tooth
in the front of my mouth. I got to go see a dentist. - [Interviewer] But so your drug use, we never really got into that. What do you use? - That causes a lot of psychosis too. - [Interviewer] What have
you been using in the past? - Well, coming to California
was the first time I ever used, I ever left the state,
states that I was from, and whenever I left the states I was from, I never even touched crystal. And, and, and then until I
would go back to Louisiana, and, and coming to
California was the first time that I actually started using
it outside my home state. And, you know, and I
smoked weed all the way up to when I got here, you know,
and I thought, you know, great California, the great
weed city, California. I thought when I got in here, you know, it was going to be all pot and marijuana. And when I got here, it was the opposite. It was all crystal. And I, and I somehow got
caught up in the wrong crowd, like I always do. - [Interviewer] What does
Crystal meth do for you? - It's a sex thing. It's a sexual thing, definitely. - [Interviewer] So it
increases your libido? - Makes me horny as fuck, but I like, and a lot of people, I guess, I guess the party and partying. - [Interviewer] Could
you do this kind of work on the street without crystal? - I used to. When I first started crystal meth, if I take one fucking hit, I will pay you not to let,
have me walk out your door if it was day, day daytime. I used to be paranoid
of daylight when I was, when I would get high, and then from regular use, I just, eventually now I
could smoke and like normal, I could go to work, bust my ass. I could walk down the street. I can conversate with people. - [Interviewer] No, but
I mean, doing sex work can't be the easiest thing to do straight. Right? - I don't think I've
ever done sex work sober. - [Interviewer] So that's where I'm going. So crystal meth kind of opens those, knocks down those walls, and you can just do whatever
you want to do, right? Your inhibitions go away. - Yeah. So yeah, kind of, sort of. - [Interviewer] I'm just
going off what I've heard. - But I always, I'm always
safe about sex regardless. Like no drug or anything is going to come between me and safety first. Always safety first. I mean, because you lift your
guard there for a second, and you're going to catch an STD. I mean, they're rampant, you know? So I always, I'm always protected. It don't, it's, it's, it's,
it's never made me wake up the next day and forget to
do something safety wise. It helps with my traumas. That's why I, that's why I smoke. I know I shouldn't hide behind, I shouldn't use it as
an excuse or whatever, but I mainly do it for my trauma. It's what calms me down. Something that speeds so
many is used as a speed. It actually calms me down. It's like the opposite for me. When I smoke weed, I get paranoid. I can't, I couldn't put,
pull a trick if I tried on marijuana, but when I smoked crystal,
it just, it calms me down. I don't know. I use it a lot less than I used to. - [Interviewer] How many, how many tricks are you doing tonight? - Oh, no. I'm about the laziest ho you know. I mean, and a lot of
it, to me, it's a drag. It's a drag. It's not what it used
to be out there anymore. It's like, you get a lot of guys who want
to pull up and say 20 bucks, 40 bucks. And you know, I use, I'll
usually tell him, look, you still got 40 bucks,
you still got 20 bucks because I'm sorry. That's just too much work. I mean, unless you want
me to give you 12 minutes for 20 bucks. Sure. But you better do it in 20, in 12 minutes, otherwise I'm out. Or I just, I usually just turn them away. But you know, we've all
done things, you know, I mean, I only, I only
working online, usually, because online, the money's better. It's, it's a more trustworthy,
more upscale clientele. They usually don't play games. They usually pay you upfront, and it's much, much more money. Like, you're talking
opposed to 40, 60 bucks, hundred and 50 on a lucky day, a really good day, maybe 400 on a client, but online, it's 250. So you can get 250 a client. Like it's- - [Interviewer] And how
many of those will you do? - But if a mother fucker
steals your phone, like, I had another mother
fucker steal my phone again. You know, it's like every
time I get friendly, like I, like, I saw this guy I knew. You know, he, he had never done me wrong. I decided to be friendly
and hang out with him. I lifted my guard for a minute, went to buy a necklace from a vendor, turned around, he stole
my phone out of my purse. I had a conniption fit. I lost it on the street. I was screaming and hollering. I thought, huh? I thought I was going to die 'cause I couldn't, I couldn't
afford to buy another phone. I can't turn a trick without a phone. So it, it takes, it took me
all the way back to square one. - [Interviewer] So your
existence is day by day? - So if you see me ho-ing outside, if, that's because most
likely somebody stole my phone and put me right back at
rock bottom, at square one. - [Interviewer] So you
live basically day by day? - It's, basically, I mean,
I don't, I have a job. I don't know what I'm going
to make from day to day. I don't know if I'm going
to turn a trick at all. It really, it depends on confidence. You got it, it's, it's a confidence. Like, if I don't have
one aspect of my makeup, then, I mean that can run my whole mood, ruin me from getting a date. I mean, I have panic
attacks, like behind makeup, behind my hair, behind
my clothes, you know? And now that I'm in a shelter,
I don't as much have to worry about people stealing stuff for me. You know? - [Interviewer] So tell me
about, I mean, we know you go through depression
because your other talks, you were in that state of mind, but what about anxiety or shame or anger or things like that? - Oh, I've gone to all that, for sure. - [Interviewer] You have them all. Do you ever have good days? - Yeah, I have good days. Must definitely. I mean, Oh God. Tell me I can, I can remember a good day. I have in the past, gone
through more bad than good, but it's getting a lot better for me. I'm one of my clinic's favorite. When I go over to Tom
Waddell, they love me. They cater to me to the core. They'll soak my feet for me. They'll, if I ask them for clothes, they'll go to their secret clothing stash and get me clothes. And they always give me what I want too. - [Interviewer] Do you have friends? - Huh, friends? I made one last night. She was sweet. She actually came to me and told me she wanted to be my friend, and I was like, I was pretty shocked because I don't think I make friends well. I really don't like, I, I've always struggled with that since I was a kid, and I
still struggle with that. - [Interviewer] But that,
that has more to do with your self-perception than it does- - That has to do with my being sheltered. I know it does because like, I still am learning how to
car, like, what's the word, socialize and congregate with people. And like, I'm still learning to do that. Like, especially in conversation. It is my, is my, is my, I am the worst because I'll, I'm always looking for the
cut in in the conversation, like the pause. Whenever I hear someone pause, I always think it's my cut
in in the conversation. It's my turn to speak. But people always accuse
me of cutting them off. And you know, that's all from the like, I, well, actually I was sheltered, grounded five years at a
time and did every day. And like, it didn't, wasn't allowed to have friends growing up. If friends come to my house, they were turned away by my parents. I mean, I was locked in
my room all the time. I mean, I just, and by the time I got out and was able to socialize
and have friends and stuff, I mean, I, I've, I've,
I've always had problems. You know, I, I, and a lot of times, I can't really decipher
who my friends really are. - [Interviewer] Especially
here in the street. - Yeah. You know, and,
and friend is really and overly used and abused
word by a lot of people, you know. A lot of times I can't really identify, I have problems
identifying actual friends. You know what I mean? I really do. It's, it's, it's a problem. And- - [Interviewer] So when you were a kid, did you ever feel loved in your life, as a kid or as an adult? - Not really. No. Definitely not. No. I, I, maybe by my parents, I thought by my parents, you know, by my sister at least, but they all disowned me and my, so I don't have any family anymore. I didn't really have any friends ever. I, I, I, this is my home now. I have no home anymore. You know? I mean, I, if you ask me right now
to name five friends, I, I'm not sure I could actually identify any actual friends 'cause I, I, I don't know. One minute, I think someone's a friend, and I have to, I have to double guess it. And like, I'm never
sure who my friends are. No, that's something I struggle with. It's sad, really. - [Interviewer] Yeah. And doing this kind of work, it's not very likely you're
going to make a good connection. - Yeah. You know what the
weirdest part is in this work, line of work? I, I, god. It's a fairytale, but
I kind of thought that I would meet an nice guy, non abusive, somebody who treats me
kindly and with respect, and I actually, it's a dream. I mean, it's not real. It couldn't happen. But I used to think
maybe it could, you know, 'cause that's kind of what I,
I want, I wanted, you know. Yeah, I just, not to be alone. You know, the company, I liked the company aspect of it too. You know what I mean? I'm so social, and I like to get out and try
to make friends and be social. I love that. I love the positivity. You know, I, I, you know, I just, I don't know. - [Interviewer] Lots of
contradictions with you. - [Stephanie] Yeah. It's hard on the body. It's definitely hard on the body. And I had some recent abuse. Yeah. I don't know I would really speak on camera, but let's just say I
stepped into a guy's car, and he started telling me
how he was in love with me and how I was playing with his feelings and all these weird things he was saying and then threatened me. And I was scared at first, you know, but I, I'm okay. I survived that one, you know. - [Interviewer] You're
a survivor, for sure. - Totally. Yeah. I'm sorry. I am a little tired 'cause
I did work last night. - [Interviewer] Did you sleep last night? - Oh, let me put it this way, I haven't slept in about two days. I tried. Usually I, I sleep every night. It's just in the last two days, I haven't really slept. I've been extremely stressed. The last two days, I, I spent probably six hours
in the bathroom yesterday brushing my hair. I stress. Because I was so stressed out, and- - [Interviewer] What do
you worry about most? - My appearance, my masculine features. - [Interviewer] So, so if you boil that, if you go another layer
deeper, as I like to do, what that really is is
more about you not feeling, not being loved. Right? - Is that what that is? - [Interviewer] Well, it's not about you don't look good enough. You know? - Yeah. - [Interviewer] It's it's more, you scrape away that top layer, and why are you worried about
not being attractive enough? Because it means you won't be- - I do worry about that a lot. I do. You know, I wish I didn't, but it's just- - [Interviewer] And then we
recreate our biggest fears, and your biggest fear,
which probably comes, I'm playing analyst here, because of the challenges you had, you're probably trying to- - I like to be told by
people that I look good. - It makes you feel loved? - Totally, yeah. Yeah, totally. But I'm, I'm doing better. I'm doing better. My life, my life is, is getting better. - [Interviewer] And the
key to feeling loved is? - Loving yourself. - [Interviewer] There you go. Good guess.
- Totally. - [Interviewer] And once you do that, your energy will be different, - I want to say I love- - [Interviewer] and you'll
be much more attractive. - Yeah. I, I wanna say I love myself. I, I don't hate myself. You know, I've always
had a problem identifying with my feelings a little bit, too. Like, it's been an issue in my life a lot. - [Interviewer] For your family probably? - Well, no, my doctor. - [Interviewer] But your family
probably made you feel like- - My, my, doctor actually
helped me discover that one. I was in her office before
I left New Orleans , and I picked my doctor. Ooh, man. She, we were, I was down in New Orleans. I never picked my doctor before. Like, we just found each other. And if I ever went back,
that'd be my doctor. She, she, her and I liked Nine Inch Nails. Trent Reznor. Yeah, baby. And she told me this story
about how she was a welder too, like me, and she made this one's big candle things they have in like cathedrals sometimes with the candlesticks. And she didn't know how
to give it to Trent Reznor 'cause she made it for him, so she just went by his house
and threw it over his wall. Alright. And she don't know if he
ever got it or anything, but after that conversation with her, it's like, we, like connected. She, where was I going with this? But yeah, she, she, one day
she asked me how I feel. And a lot of times, you know, I never really realized
I do it, but I, I do. I tell people, I don't know. I don't know. I'm not really sure. 'Cause if I tell the person how I feel, then after I tell them how I
feel, I have to rethink it, and I'm not sure it's actually how I feel. I'm not really sure how I feel. And I wouldn't look her in the face and thing of not paying attention to, but she noticed it. And she described to me after that she thought I had problems
identifying with my feelings. 'Cause I guess it's a sign of
someone who has that issue. So I, I have an issue. So I I'm, I'm never
really sure how I feel. - [Interviewer] You feel
like you repress a lot of your negative emotions? And just put on a happy face to everybody because you have to for work. Right? You can't go, you can't go out
work on the street depressed. - I'm not unhappy all the time, but yeah, I think I definitely do that. Yeah, for sure. - [Interviewer] And we
all do it to some extent. - Yeah, for sure. I definitely do. I, I think I, I put on a
pretty good fake smile. Genuinely, very, happiness and true laughter, it, it just, it, it has a certain look and positivity and feel about it. You know? Like I don't, I, yeah. I, I don't think I'm happy a lot. Like, even though my
life's getting better, I'm not sure that I'm happy. Yeah. It's so weird. I never really thought about that, but maybe I'm not happy. But I'm not like suicidal or anything or, or anything like that
like I had been in the past. You know, maybe I should
see a shrink or something. You know? Definitely because I would like to be happier. I would like to be happier because good things do happen. People want to be around
you when you're happy. People can feel the negative
when you're negative. And, and usually that's when
they have prior obligations, you know? And I hate that, you know? So yeah. Thank you for making me realize that. - [Interviewer] I think,
I think a lot of people deal with that, too. It's not rare, its common. - Yeah. Yeah. Because I definitely want to
get on camera at some point and, and, and tell you
about some happy moments, and it's, it's, I can't believe that I, I
can't even think of anything. - [Interviewer] Did you read the comments on your previous videos? - The what? - [Interviewer] The comments? A lot of positivity came your way. A lot of people wanted to help you. - Really? - [Interviewer] Oh yeah. A lot. And I didn't know how to reach you because you didn't have a phone. - I started to, Oh, I've had phones. It's just every time I, I
let some guy close to me, or- - [Interviewer] Yeah, but
the number changes weekly. - Oh. Yeah. Actually it does. But you know what? I, I pay for all my phones. Like, I will not go out
and get an Obama phone. - [Interviewer] So, so let's go back to the comments on your videos. Do you, do you? - No. I wish I had. I wish I had. I started watching my videos and like, you don't understand. I don't like my phone voice. And I, - [Interviewer] Nobody does. - when I heard that video voice, I was like, Oh my god. It sent cringes down my spine. I was like, is that what I sound like? Oh my god. So I apologize for that,
and I will do better. - [Interviewer] But you said, you told me. - And as soon as you release me, I will jump right on my videos,
and I'll check them out. Because you know what? - [Interviewer] But you told me that some people came
up to you on the street and helped you out. Right? - Yeah. They were very nice. - [Interviewer] They recognized you? - I had a couple come up to me, and they were like, Stephanie? And I'm like, who said my name? I don't know that voice. So I turned around, and I'm like, Oh, Hey. They're like, Hey, I saw your documentary with such and such. I was like, Oh, okay, thank you. I was like, did you like it? And they're like, yeah. And they were like, Oh,
you were so genuine, and you, you really spoke to me, and I totally relate and stuff like that. And they were like, can I
get you a coffee or anything? I'm like, Oh, you're sweet. And so I, you know, they reached
out to give me their time. I, I owe it to like give
them a little bit of mine and, and it's, it doesn't hurt. And it's harmless and, you
know, nobody owes me anything, you know, but everyone
is very sweet and kind, and I appreciate all the comments and all the reaching out and
the sweetness and the kindness. And I, I owe it to my fans
to check out the comments and maybe respond. - [Interviewer] And to yourself. - Can I respond to any? - [Interviewer] Of course. - I can? - [Interviewer] Of course. - Okay. Exciting. Because I definitely would do that. - [Interviewer] Good. - I can't believe, I didn't- - [Interviewer] I think
it'd be good for you, too. - I can't believe I didn't do it sooner. - [Interviewer] Yeah. The,
the, the, the interviewees that have done it have
had great experiences. - Okay, cool. - [Interviewer] Except
for a couple early on that ended up finding stalkers, and that's a different story. - You know. - [Interviewer] That's why I
can't give out contact info. - I've had- - [Interviewer] The
comments are the best way to reach anybody because I can't give out
everyone's contact info 'cause I'd have a serial
killer on my hands. - Well, you know, I
don't mind to stalker me, as long as you're not like
a serial killer stalker. - [Interviewer] Well, that's, how do you? - I'm kind of a bit of a freak, so, you know, I stalker- No serial killers. - [Interviewer] But I'm
glad you're doing better. - Oh, thank you. - [Interviewer] Your mood
seems much more upbeat. - So maybe some positive
things did happened in my life. - [Interviewer] Yeah.
Well, you got housing, and that's a huge one. - Yeah, well. - [Interviewer] It may not
be the Taj Mahal, but it's- - It's in between, transitional. You know, and it doesn't
have to be the Taj Mahal. I'm not, I'm not bougie like that. You know, I'm not, I grew up in a middle-class neighborhood with a golf cart course and every cookie cutter houses
and every lawn the same, but you know, that was my past. I mean- - [Interviewer] Tell, tell me
your thoughts on happiness. What, what do you, what do
you, what would make you happy? For some people, it's success and money. - What would make me happy? - [Interviewer] You think
it, you think it is? - My happiness always
alive with traveling. I used to travel my ass off. At a certain age, I, I traveled so much at a
certain age and point in my life, that once upon a time, people used to find it
absolutely unbelievable. The things that I had done
in the places that I'd been at the age that I was. It's all kind of caught up
to me now, catching up now. But I mean, you name it. I just about, I put my foot in every
state in the United States. And you fucking name a state, I'd probably tell you plenty about it. And there's a few, there's
maybe a state two or three, that, and that's it, that I
haven't really fully explored, but I mean, at the drop of
a hat and a drop of a dime if you'd say, Hey, bird, you
want to hop freight here? Do you want to hitchhike over here? Do you want to do this? Go catch this festival? I was, I was down. I would drop what I was doing. I don't care if it was my
employee badge, I'd drop it, and I would go. And I, I just always where
I, my happiness lied. You know, and I like art. I love art. I, I'm no expert, but I
know a good bit about art. You know, you know, and some people can peg me as an artist, which is amazing. I love clowns. Love clowns. - [Interviewer] You love clowns? - Oh, do I? Yeah. I used to do clown sometimes. Rarely, but I've done clown before. - [Interviewer] When you say, done clowns, what does that mean? You've been, you've dressed
up as a clown, or you? - Have I? Right here in San Francisco I have. It's been about two, three years ago, but I used to do that. We just go to parking
garages and take pictures. I used to do Gothic clown. I used to do Gothic clown. Yes, I did. - [Interviewer] So you're a transgender, crystal meth addicted, prostitute clown? But you're still lovable. - Aw, thank you. I am. I'm sweet by nature. - [Interviewer] Yes you are, very sweet. - But I thought about
maybe just doing some art. - [Interviewer] Good for you. I find art, creative, creative work to be very therapeutic. - Yeah. Yeah. Most definitely - [Interviewer] Keeps you right on track. - What? - [Interviewer] It keeps you on track. - What's your favorite art? Like- - [Interviewer] It'd be this. - Oh, of course, right. - [Interviewer] That's all I do now. - That's right, photography is art. - [Interviewer] Ever
since I was a little kid, I was always creating something. - Yeah? - [Interviewer] Never, never stopped. - I, I can, I can probably
say the same about, I love to like, I love
to recreate clothes. Like, unfortunately I don't
have all the materials I wish I had, like, because there's so many things that they don't let me
bring in this building across the street, like sewing needles, scissors, fingernail clippers, which trust me, I have it all anyway, because woo, woo. You know what I mean? However, I can't, like put a
sewing machine in my breasts, but you know, you know, things I wish I had because I, I, I, I'll go in the bathroom, and I'll start like cutting something up, and I'll go, uh, I don't have
sewing needle and thread. And you know, because I, I love to make clothes. And I, and like, when I, when I had the access to material and I have access to clothing, even clothing that's
already made into something, if I see something on
it, I'll tear it off. I'll cut it off, and I'll
make my own shit out of it. I always got compliments. I've even had people two or
three times on the street come up to me and tell me like, when I have access to the
right materials and stuff, and I make stuff because I've got so much
stuff to make stuff with, people actually have walked
up to me on the street and told me that I should like
get paid to pick what people like wear from day to day, or I've had one lady tell me that I should, like
design women's clothing, which I thought was
like, Oh, you're sweet. Thanks. But I'm blushing. You know? I mean. - [Interviewer] It could
be a career there for you. - But like no TVs, no radios, no nothing in this fucking place. I am bored to death. And like all these half
projects and stuff. And then oops. Sometimes I make stuff, and
I like to do above the knee. And like, I have a few, like
things that I made recently that I caught cut too short. Like the other day, I was like, I needed some money so
bad that I said, fuck it. I wore a t-shirt and a pair of panties, and I walked out of the building. And you know, I got some dates. Yeah. I had the Asian chick pull over. She was like, how much? And I had just got out
of the abusive guy's car, and I was like, I quoted her
a price, like way hell high. And then I just like walked
off like I didn't care, and didn't pay no mind to her. And it was like, I don't
know, my equilibrium was off. My balance was out. - [Interviewer] So you get
picked up by women as well? - Sometimes. - [Interviewer] Really? - Huh? Oh, trust me. I'll dyke in a second. - [Interviewer] I'm such a square. - Not me, I'll dyke in second. TS girl, girl, - [Interviewer] Oh so they're, they're- - Guy, it don't mean. - [Interviewer] They're, they're lesbian? - Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I mean, I don't,
well, dyke is probably a, I shouldn't use that word. That's actually not,
what do they call that? - [Interviewer] Politically correct? - That's, yeah. That's actually more like a disrespectful. - [Interviewer] Its a
derogatory term, yeah. - I'm sorry for using that term. I apologize for that. Oh yeah. It don't matter to me like a
girl, a guy, a transgender. Girl, in a second. I'm pretty sexual. I mean, there's, I find myself very sexually inclined. There's not a hardly a
thing sexually on a planet I haven't done at least once. - [Interviewer] What's the
wildest thing you've ever done? - Wildest thing? Geez. I dunno. Where do you draw your line on wild? - [Interviewer] I don't, I
don't have any line that, I just assumed somebody
would want to know that. - Recent or in the past? - [Interviewer] I don't
care, in your life. - Well, recently I, I've always been paranoid to like I turned tricks
outside closed walls. That's a fear Like getting caught, you know, like death doesn't get my juices flowing, that does not turn me on, and that is like a total shrinker for me. Anything that can shrink
on the body will shrink. But recently I just like, I guess I've been just
getting brave or something. 'Cause like I turned one in
broad daylight between two cars on a busy street. I was like, okay. Alright, hurry. I was like, can you hurry? How fast can you do this? I was like, okay. Alright, whip it up. I'm just like, that's kind
of flashing out for me too because I don't usually
do things like that. I'm like very much a lady about things, and very discreet and,
and that's pretty trashy. - [Interviewer] Whatever
gets you off, though. - Or them. - [Interviewer] Or them. - So let's see. And it is even better to see you, and tell my fans that I
apologize for ghosting y'all, and I will respond to
all of your messages. I don't care if there's like
500, I'll respond to them all. - [Interviewer] It might be good for you. - Cool. - [Interviewer] Cool. - And you know, I love you, man. - [Interviewer] I love you too, Stephanie. - [Stephanie] Alright. Cool. And I love all y'all too. - [Interviewer] I'll come
visit every time I'm up here. - [Stephanie] Alright. And I will be well slept next time.
