Start Putting Yourself First: Tools to Say No Without Guilt or Drama | The Mel Robbins Podcast

foreign we're going to talk about people pleasing and I am going to teach you the art and the science of putting yourself first wouldn't that be nice it is so misunderstood and so if you struggle with this and you often feel like your own wants or needs don't matter or you tend to bend yourself into knots around other people or you find yourself having a really hard time just being yourself or saying what you really want to say you're not alone and you're going to get all kinds of awesome tools today hey it's your friend Mel and welcome to a guilt-free and selfish episode of the Mel Robbins podcast Let's go people all right welcome why did I call this episode selfish well because you and I we're going to talk about people pleasing and I am going to teach you the art and the science of putting yourself first wouldn't that be nice I know it would be nice and you deserve that if you're new to the Mel Robbins podcast I just want to welcome you my name is Mel Robbins I'm a New York Times best-selling author and one of the most respected experts in the world on the subject of change and motivation and we're talking about people pleasing and one of the reasons why I want to talk about people pleasing is it is so misunderstood I used to struggle with people pleasing today you and I are going to unpack this topic we're going to Define it I'm going to explain what the research says about the brain and people pleasing because that's going to be really interesting when you realize that people-pleasing is something that everybody deals with and by the end of this episode you're going to have tools tools that are going to make you more self-aware tools that are going to help you catch yourself in those moments when you feel the pressure to please other people I know you do that and that pressure starts to override your ability to put yourself first and so we're going to start with the term people pleaser and then we're going to jump right into a question from a listener named Janet and I'm going to use your questions to help me just go deeper and deeper and deeper into this topic so let's just start though with the term people pleaser so that you and I are on the same page people pleaser refers to a person who just has a strong desire to please other people even if pleasing other people comes at their own expense and if you struggle with people pleasing I certainly used to I mean those of us that were parent Pleasers we grew up to be people Pleasers and so if you struggle with this and you often feel like your own wants or needs don't matter or you tend to bend yourself into knots around other people or you find yourself having a really hard time just being yourself or saying what you really want to say you're not alone and you're going to get all kinds of awesome tools today and the other thing that's interesting about the research that we did to prepare for this episode is that people pleaser that's not a medical term that is not some sort of diagnosis that psychologists use that is simply a way that we describe casually this coping mechanism that we all engage in in order to keep the peace in order to fit in in order to feel love there are four takeaways that I want to give you really quickly and then we're going to go to Janet's question number one every human being is a people pleaser everybody unless you're some narcissistic jerk or you've got some other neurological condition that prevents you from truly bonding with other people in order to get through life you have to make other people happy you have to for example put your boss's needs ahead of yours if you expect to remain employed it is what it is your spouse and your kids they come first at time your parents when you were little you wanted to please them and there are times where you need other people to be happy with you like when you're at the DMV that clerk that you hope does you that quick favor you better make sure that they're happy with you or the person who's throwing the big party in Cabo over spring break definitely you're a people pleaser around that person I don't blame you you want the invite that's the big takeaway you're not the only one that struggles with this second takeaway you're never going to get rid of people pleasing entirely I wouldn't want you to you can't because some level of people pleasing is necessary in life because relationships are a give and take and what we're going to talk about today is the balance how do you balance other people's needs and your own third takeaway people pleasing is only a problem if you do it by default so if you're the kind of person that is so focused on other people you don't even know who you are anymore you've been neglecting your own needs or silencing your own voice or you constantly feel like a doormat that everybody walks on people pleasing is definitely a problem for you and this is something that I want you to get ahead of because I want more for you you're going to get more out of your life when you're more self-aware about when you start putting other people first and abandoning yourself and so today I'm going to probably make you pretty shocked at how prevalent this is for you so that you can start making different decisions moving forward and that leads me to the fourth takeaway you can take your power back my mission today is to help you understand the topic gain more self-awareness so that you can interrupt this pattern and you can create a different pattern which is making conscious decisions in your day-to-day life that truly Empower you because you can learn how to consciously choose when you are going to put other people first and when you're not and you're going to put yourself first so let's start with a question this one comes from a listener named Janet hey Mel so the way I was raised was that what defines a good woman is what she can do for others for her children for her husband whatever and you always came second whether it was you were the last to take a shower before you went out you were the last to eat at a at a family event whatever it was so my biggest struggle now is doing creating self-love for myself without feeling guilty without feeling like I'm not being humble enough or without feeling like I'm less of a mother or less of a wife because I'm taking care of myself um I know it's the other way I know that I have to take care of me so I can take care of others but I just have a hard time doing it without feeling that guilt to me it literally feels like a child learning to walk um I don't know how to do it without feeling guilt I want to remove that guilt from inside of me Janet I got some bad news you can't remove the guild I must say that again when you first start putting yourself first you will not remove the guilt and so I just want to be honest about that but let me give you the two takeaways okay that are really important because this really isn't about guilt this is about you defining for yourself what it means to be a good wife and a good mother and a good person in your eyes and so I'm going to give you two major wake-up calls that I had around this topic and then I'm going to tell you this crazy story so the first wake-up call that I got is this notion that the people who love you they will be annoyed with you when you put yourself first it is true they are not going to like it they like you being the person that you are right now it is convenient for them that you put them first it is wonderful the dynamic that's in place but it's no longer good for you so just expect that the people who you love will be annoyed or disappointed or upset when you start putting yourself first but they're still going to love you it's not an either or thing and I'll explain more about that and second this is a huge wake-up call what if the guilt doesn't go away what if guilt is actually a good thing what if guilt is super healthy to feel right now in fact that's what I believe I believe that the guilt is good I believe that the guilt is healthy and I believe that you can reframe it see Guilt shows that you care that's why you feel that way if you are a narcissistic douchebag you wouldn't feel guilty at all for putting yourself first I want to frame guilt in a different way for you okay let's frame it from a bad sign oh I'm doing something bad I'm putting myself first into a good one stop seeing guilt is a bad thing because you're not doing anything wrong when you put yourself first start seeing guilt as a good thing guilt is a sign that you're breaking free of this people-pleasing habit you feel guilty because putting yourself first is just a new feeling that's it you know I had this Insight a few years ago that I think might help you two things can be true in life at the same time you can put yourself first and disappoint people and they can still love you even though they're disappointed and here's another example of how two things can be true at the same time you can feel guilty and you can still put yourself first pretty cool it's not an either or and that's why I say that this topic about people pleasing is about balancing your needs with the fact that in order to have great relationships you do have to compromise sometimes and the balance comes in because in order for you to have the life that you want you are going to disappoint people that you love sometimes I experience this all the time I'm 54 years old I still want to make my parents happy why because I love them and because that's what I've always done and so when I get into one of those moments where it is a balancing act it's not easy and I'm going to tell you a story about this my dad is an enormous Billiards fan and when he was in either college or medical school he used to hustle for money at a pool hall like he is a great pool player and I grew up in a town called Muskegon Michigan which is the world headquarters of a company called Brunswick which used to make all of the old pool tables and so my dad became just a huge fan of collecting antique Pool and Billiard artifacts in fact my parents house is full of them old pool balls pull cues the little counting like things that hang on the ceiling artwork a pool like just all cut chairs from Billiards my dad loves this stuff so when Chris and I got married he gave us a refurbished Brunswick pool table that dated back to the 1800s and it had been in a Vikings Lodge in Muskegon Michigan and he ended up buying at an auction had it for and it was like the greatest thing ever but here's the problem when Chris and I got married we lived in an apartment like whose apartment has room for a pool table and so this beautiful pool table sat in my parents basement in North Muskegon Michigan for over a decade and so all this time goes by Chris and I have now moved to Boston we've bought our first house it is a teeny tiny antique Farmhouse there was not a single room that was big enough to clear a pool table I don't know if you understand how a pool table works I didn't realize that you need four and a half feet clearance around the pool table in order to play pool this was like not something I was aware of so we couldn't even fit it in our house when we first bought a house it couldn't fit in the basement because we had a dirt basement you're not going to put a pool table down there so more years go by and then Chris and I finally have enough money to refinance the house and put on a small addition we were going to put on a garage with a room above the garage that's what we were gonna do and to my dad he was like great that means the pool table finally has a home now given that I did not know that you needed a certain amount of space to put the pool table in I had envisioned that this room above the garage would be the kids playroom right and I thought oh okay well you know it's a two-car garage so clearly we could put a pool table in there and it'd be the kids playroom so get this my dad is so excited that I fly back to Michigan and he and I take a road trip in a U-Haul where we drive across country from Michigan all the way to Boston together and we bring back all kinds of stuff from my parents basement and we split a bunch of plants from their yard and the pool table was in the back and my dad hires somebody to meet us there and we assemble the pool table and when they finally finished assembling this pool table it sat in the middle of this playroom like a felted aircraft carrier our playroom as it turns out was only big enough to put a pool table in it no room for the couch no room for the kids play table just a big ass antique pool table that was a sign of my father's love and Devotion to his daughter did I want the pool table there well for well first year or two it was great but then it literally just collected dust and as the kids got older it became the table that they played Legos on and then it became the table that I folded laundry on and then my business started to grow and I started thinking boy it'd be awfully nice to have an office a place to work but I didn't dare disassemble that pool table why the thought of disappointing my father heartbreaking now keep in mind he's only at my house once or twice a year so we're talking maybe four or five days out of 365 days is the man gonna see the pool table but nevertheless like a dutiful daughter because I love him and I did not know what I know now I thought that in order to have my dad love me that meant that I had to just keep this pool table like a mausoleum is that the word that represented uh you know my father and my duty and my loyalty and as my company began to grow we put plywood on top of the pool table and we worked on that and then finally I thought what the hell am I doing I am a grown ass woman I need to disassemble the pool table my dad will understand I will assure him that the second that I am successful enough to add on to this house again or do something else the first thing that I will do is build a room where we can put a pool table I wish I had more money I wish I had a bigger house I wish I had one of those great rooms that people have that you could launch a cannon through but that is not my life and it is not what my needs are and in order to put my needs first and my business first and for my kids to have a place to to be able to be to I can't have this felted aircraft carrier in the middle of this room I need to take the room back and so I'll never forget this day I picked up the phone to call my dad and when I heard his voice I immediately started to chicken out hey Mel what's up hey Dad and of course I talk about nothing and my stomachache is churning and I'm starting to feel stressed diarrhea coming on and finally I'm like okay God Mel five four three two one you're not eight years old anymore you just feel like you are and I'm like Dad I got to talk to you about something he's like yeah what's up okay so the pool table you gave us yeah yeah hi how's it going you guys love using it like I'm so happy your brother they just moved into their house in Chicago and so the the table that I gave them it's in their basement we played last weekend my heart is sinking in my chest this is not going according to plan so I take a deep breath I said Dad yeah about the pool table my business is growing so fast I really need a place for the people that work for me to come and work oh great they're gonna love playing on the pool table too like you know the cool offices all have pool tables and ping-pong dad um I don't have enough room um in the room that it's in oh well it could go in the living room like if you got dad I I like it just can't because the living room's not big enough so what are you saying though well what I'm saying is I was going to hire the guy that you hired to like level it and put the slate in to come back and lovingly like take it apart and I was going to store it in a really loving way until I have a place for it you want to know how I felt in that moment I felt like the world's worst daughter I felt like an ungrateful piece of [ __ ] because through the silence I could feel my dad's heart sink and it was a really hard thing to do and that's why I say this is a balance like it's so easy to say on a tick tock video just say no when it's somebody that you love and you know that you're going to disappoint them that's not easy and you can still do it and what's interesting about that moment is it didn't feel like this victory it didn't feel like yeah there was this residue there because I knew that he was disappointed and I was disappointed too I wish I had a bigger house I wish I could accommodate this beautiful gift I wish that I had a basement that I could go in I wish I lived closer to them and so all of that emotion came crashing in in that moment and that's why I'm going to keep on saying learning how to balance those moments when you know that your decision that is truly best for you and what you need is going to disappoint someone remember that two things can be true you can do what's right for you and you can have somebody be disappointed in you and you can know that deep down they still love you I mean people that you love disappoint you all the time all the time and you still love them and it's a real art to learn how to be in those moments with Grace and advocate for yourself and still hold space for somebody to be upset with you or disappointed in you or sad about it that's what that moment was it was just both of us feeling disappointed that it wasn't different and you know do they tease me when they come over of course I did for years they did this was pretty recently by the way everybody so I'm just remembering back to the fact that when I released the five second rule book it was 2017 and I self-published that and we did all of the internal layouts do you know what I use that pool table for it was our creative desk where I laid out the entire design of the five second rule book so I'm talking less than five years ago everybody I had this conversation with my father and whenever they would come visit they would walk in and they'd look in the direction of where my office was and nice pool table or every time I would say yeah I'd love Grandma's table from the kitchen and then my mom would you know say something snarky like how is it going to end up in the basement with the pool table you sure you want it and you know what they're allowed to say that they're allowed to be disappointed they're allowed to call me out on that and I have to create space for them to have their feelings and I also believe that that's one of the things we don't talk about a lot in relationships and people pleasing like you think when you're people pleasing it's all one way it's not it's a give and a take if you want other people to make room for the very real emotions that you feel and the reason why you need to put yourself first in certain circumstances then you got to show up and hold up your end of the bargain and make room for their feelings of disappointment and confusion and sadness and just know that when somebody is given the space to process it or to make a joke or say something snarky because let's face it do you know what's underneath that snarky comment or is it going to end up in the basement like the pool table it's heard it's sadness that's not processed in a healthy way and so just keep in mind that yes when you start putting yourself first and when you start making decisions you will disappoint other people give them space to feel that and know that they will still love you they do even if they don't express it in a constructive way and also know that you can feel guilty I sure as hell felt guilty and you want to know what I still feel guilty even though it's not my fault and I feel so guilty that you know what now that we're here in southern Vermont and I've built this dream house of mine I made damn [ __ ] sure that in the barn you better believe there's not only space for that pool table I built a barn so that we could put the pool table in there so Dad I know you're listening you get your ass up here because I'm going to beat you in a game of pool when you do come okay and I can't wait um and yeah I still feel a little guilty why guilt is good it means I care and it means I am expanding my capacity to live in that balance to do things that really work for me and know that that is not going to work for some other people and that's okay that's what it's all about I wish I could see you right now because I would imagine that you are feeling all kinds of things after hearing that story so am I so let's take a break real quick and hear a word from our sponsors I might call my father on the break I'm not gonna lie about this and when we come back we got more questioners from listeners and I want to tell you something about your brain and its connection to people pleasing stay with us welcome back I'm Mel Robbins we're talking about people pleasing and I'm really excited because we have a great question from a listener named Courtney hi Mel this is Courtney from Louisiana I have a question for you I have learned through therapy that one of my issues with self-love stemmed from trauma growing up um and through therapy I've learned to release a lot of that trauma and discovered more self-love which in turn has made me a different person I've learned to create boundaries my question is that I find family members are close friends that have been with me for most of my life a lot of them don't like the new me with self-love I think they see the new boundaries sometimes as rejection as a wall I've heard family members say when I you know say that won't work for me or things of that nature that it's rude unkind unflexible difficult but I'm just wondering if other people have discovered that a lot of times once you kind of enter a world of more self-love and more authenticity if you feel a sense of rejection from others Courtney I absolutely love this question and in particular I want to focus in on the word rejection when you start putting yourself first do you feel rejection from others the answer is yes and I want to now talk a little bit about why and explain a really interesting connection between your brain and the way that your brain processes stress or discomfort and this tendency that we have to please other people instead of making the right decision for ourselves so you know how you're in that moment let's just use the example of me and this pool table for years I knew that I wanted to disassemble the pool table and I would walk past the room and there it is you know like a New York City bus sitting in the middle of a room and a small farmhouse and I would feel this tension in my body because I knew what I wanted which was could I disassemble this and not disappoint my dad could I disassemble this and not be the world's worst daughter how could I do that and that tension between what I wanted which was to have that room back and this pain that I knew it might cause my dad it created this like really awful discomfort inside of me like even the idea of making the phone call I thought about making that phone call to my father for years and you want to know what kept me from not making that phone call the discomfort that I felt in my body people pleasing is not about other people pleasing is your inability to tolerate that discomfort so many of us resort to keeping the peace or staying quiet or not picking up the phone because we're terrified of creating more discomfort in our bodies and that is what the heart of people pleasing is that you just don't like to feel the tension of what if they're upset what if this what if that what and this goes all the way back to Childhood and there's a lot of research around this in fact based on Research this discomfort that you feel when you know that what you want is at odds with how somebody else is going to feel the discomfort's normal you're actually wired this way and this has to do with the fact that we as human beings are designed to be in groups we are designed to bond with other people and when what you want you know putting yourself first is at odds with how somebody else is going to feel it's at odds with your own wiring and this is according to research from Dr Juan Dominguez of Montage University in Melbourne Australia Dr Dominguez says we avoid confrontation because of this uncomfortable sensation and neurologically it triggers you to try to just make the uncomfortable situation go away brain scans actually show that your prefrontal cortex which mediates decision making and the anterior insula which is involved in the experience of your emotions and Body Sensations it shows way more activity than other regions in the brain when you're in a situation where what you want is in confrontation with somebody else what you're experiencing and what I'm experiencing every single moment when I walk past that room I see the pool table I know I'm like God I would love to just disassemble that but I can't I can't like I can't do that to my dad he's such an awesome dude it is such an amazing gift what kind of a selfish piece of [ __ ] am I to even think that thought when you feel that wave of distress that's cognitive dissonance that's what's happening with you that there are two beliefs that are at odds and that uncomfortable feeling is what makes you cave it's what turns you into a people pleaser and that's why this is so hard and ultimately this is like a huge wake-up call I hope people pleasing is not about other people it's about you and your inability to tolerate confrontation or discomfort in your own mind and body and I struggle with this that's why self-awareness is key and so I want to come back to the word that you used rejection rejection that when you start to change what's going to happen is all that discomfort that you suppressed by keeping the peace or falling in line or saying what you think other people want to hear or just doing what everybody else wants to do when you start putting yourself first that discomfort that you were suppressing now appears in the world see people pleasing works that's why we do it so I want you to expect it everybody and again I talked about this in the pool table story just give people space to be disappointed just give people space to feel what they need to feel because whenever you change and you start making decisions that either go against somebody's expectations no I'm not coming for Thanksgiving we're going to stay home with the kids nope um you know my parents just did that to me I wanted them to come up for the holidays really wanted them to spend Christmas with us this year and when I invited them they're like thank you very much we'd love to be with you and no we make it a rule not to travel during the holidays have you seen the airports there and they're crazy and then of course there were these huge storms and all kinds of cancellations and they called right before Christmas like we're glad we didn't come but I was disappointed doesn't change the fact that I love them they're just putting themselves first that's what that is and because they're able to do that that tension that they'd normally be managing their body now it comes between us because we're at odds but that's okay that's what life is about and you got to be able to work it out and you know I want to tell you one other thing you can use a little empathy you know my parents were great when they called and said we're not coming because they knew I was disappointed and they also said we'd love to see you and we just don't want to do it having done this so many years we're over it it that we don't have to be together on Christmas why don't you come down which I am I'm going down next week and spending a week with them and be a lot easier to fly and so they made room for my feelings and they still did what made them feel good that's the sign of a loving relationship loving somebody how they need and want to be loved and so when you start to change it's going to change the dynamic and the main thing to keep in mind about putting yourself first is that when you start to make decisions that work for you it makes other people think about the decisions that they're making so if you start to say uh no I'm not going to meet you at the local diner for pancakes and sausage this morning like we have every year for 10 years because I'm actually eating super healthy and they don't really have anything on the menu and I'm going to be out uh going for a training run for this 5 km training on running they're gonna be like what what do you mean you want to know why because if they're used to you doing a certain thing it is rejection I wanted my parents to come for the holidays and when they said no that's not going to work for us you know what that was that's rejection because it didn't meet my expectation but let's go back to the bottom line I'm allowed to feel that way and they're allowed to make decisions that they want to make if we make space for each other what comes through is the love that's it so give them room expect them to feel that way and you now understand the science now I want to go to a question from a listener named Anna because Courtney was talking about rejection and Anna is coming at other people's reactions from a slightly different angle hi Mel um my name's Anna I just saw your stories and thought I'd send over a question that I've been having my question is is more about well I I consider myself a very independent person and am definitely very disciplined in what I do um but that leads me to live a life that is very different from most of the people I surround myself with I guess so my question is more of how to really hone in on that discipline and and keep living the life that you know you should be living even when others don't understand it or um just don't get why you're why you're doing it thanks Anna I love this question because you are making a mistake that every single one of us makes when we start to live a life that is truly aligned with what we want to be doing everybody that you're surrounded with right now has been on the road with you up until this point but they have no idea what your day-to-day life is like moving forward because they're not living the same kind of life and here's what I want you to understand when this happens and you start to make very deliberate changes whether it's in your health or maybe you've launched a business or you are just tired of kind of a gossipy social climbing circle of friends and now you're seeking deeper meaning in your life you don't have to ditch those people they can continue to be in your life and they will be part of the rest of your life but they're never going to understand what you're going through because they don't live the day-to-day life that you're living and a major mistake that I see people making is as we're making major changes we turn to our existing friends and our family for counsel and they have absolutely no idea what we're going through so for example there are very few people on the planet who actually understand what I do for a living I can count them on one hand when it comes to speaking on corporate stages hosting a podcast creating content for people like Starbucks and Linkedin and audible to being an entrepreneur to having the social media following to having a marriage and a family like very few people that understand the pressure I'm under the impact that I'm making the goals the hopes the dreams the frustrations my husband doesn't understand it he's not in that world my kids don't understand it my friends don't understand it if I want somebody to truly understand what my life looks like I gotta pick up the phone and call Jay Shetty or Jenna Kutcher or Trent Shelton like somebody who is doing what I'm doing and it goes for everything like I'm in the middle of menopause I'm dealing I talked on the last a couple episodes ago about this bread basket that I'm feeling on my waist and hormone stuff I'm not going to go to a 28 year old Fitness freak in my family and ask them for advice about my stomach they don't understand what I'm going through and so I'm I'm making this point because when it comes to people pleasing and when it comes to putting yourself first the way that you continue to create discipline is twofold you have to get super intentional about seeking out more people in your life either through Mastermind groups or following people on social media or attending like online classes or going to different events you've got to find people who are up to what you're up to because they'll understand they'll support you and you have to stop seeking validation from the people that are already around you because that's not why you're doing this thing and here's one more thing I want to tell you why do you care what they think you already said you're independent you already said you're putting yourself first why on Earth would you seek validation or advice from somebody whose lives you wouldn't who you wouldn't trade lives with just stop asking people who are miserable or unqualified to validate your happiness your life your choices you got to validate yourself by making decisions that work for you stop looking for validation from other people particularly other people who don't even understand themselves or what you're doing because if they can't understand themselves if they don't understand what you're even trying to do there's no way in hell they're ever going to understand or endorse what you're doing instead start looking to people who have made the changes that you want to make who have the values that you want to make not only do they understand what it takes to make this change but they also have the confidence in the track record and the experience to cheer you on well we've covered a lot of ground and I think you're starting to realize wow this people-pleasing thing isn't really about saying no it's about self-awareness it's about my ability to catch those moments where those uncomfortable feelings rise up and to tolerate them it's about my ability to know that there are going to be times in my life where I'm going to be making decisions that people that I deeply love are going to be disappointed by and I can make space for both they're going to be times in my life where I'm pursuing a change in my lifestyle that nobody around me understands nobody else is pursuing and I gotta stop this default of seeking validation and advice from from the people who don't understand what I'm doing and when you learn how to do that and start making decisions that really Empower you in the long run your life is going to change it's going to be more meaningful it's going to be richer deeper you're going to feel more agency and control in your life and I know what you're thinking right now I know here's what you're thinking Mel dear God do I want this but if I'm the kind of person that has never ever ever put myself first how the heck do I even know when to do it and let me tell you something first you have to go back to the beginning and become self-aware and you have to get deliberate about defining the person you are becoming let's hear this final question from a listener to this podcast named Nella hi Mel I am a big fan from Ireland and my name is Nella I'm a singer-songwriter and something that I definitely struggle with is with masking and you know being afraid to show up as my true authentic self and to all people at all times yeah just any advice would be amazing on how to just get better at doing that and have the confidence to just be my authentic true self um all the time that would be great um thank you Nella thank you first and foremost for your honesty um but I'm gonna say something a little provocative you kept saying the words true authentic self authentic self authentic self and I want you to stop and ask yourself do you even know who you are do you know what it means when you say I am my true authentic self and the reason why I'm asking you this question is because I don't think most people do I think we want to be we want to be our authentic selves of course but what does that even mean you know listening to your question it reminds me when I was writing the high five habit there was a woman who wrote To Me from Ireland and I ended up getting on the phone and then on a zoom call and I spent a lot of time talking to her and she is in the book and I want to bring this up because I want to make a point about the pressure that we feel to conform so in this example of the woman from Ireland she was writing about the fact that she wanted to get a divorce that is her true authentic self yet she had been delaying doing this for seven years because of the pressure of the Catholic church because of the disappointment of her mother because of what the priest might think because of what the whole freaking country of Ireland might think and so I'm highlighting this because for some of us people pleasing is even deeper than sort of this discomfort it's the social Norm like you wouldn't be caught dead In some cultures or in some religions or in some households veering from the norm the pressure is so intense it's just the air that you breathe and for many people that is the case and so if that's you you might not even know what the authentic you is because you have been told for so long by your country by your religion by your family by the community you live in buy whatever who you're supposed to be and I'm gonna give you a really important exercise I want you to just imagine that you are a screenwriter that you are about to write a movie about the real you write a character description and describe a day in the life of the real you remove the country you live in remove the religion you grew up with or you didn't remove the stories that you've been telling yourself or the pressure you feel or the disappointment or what other people think you should or shouldn't do and write the story a day in the life of who you are at your core when you would wake up where you would live where you would go what kind of work you do what kind of friends that you have what are your habits what do you love doing who are you laughing with this is such an important exercise because again remember I told you that people pleasing it's a balance and it begins with you truly knowing yourself and if you don't really know who you are because you've always been told who to be and you've spent your life feeling like you do nothing but conforming this is a really important step for you to take because people pleasing at its core is you believing the person that you are deep inside that it's not good enough you're not good enough and based on what we've talked about you can start to change that but you really have to go through the steps of getting curious about who you are for real and if the idea of you having a conversation like I did with my dad or you telling somebody that you're not coming over for dinner because you're tired and that's the truth or saying that nope you can't borrow my pickup truck again I don't lend it out anymore if that makes you really uncomfortable here's a tool that you can use to start to experiment with that moment of discomfort and the tool is called switch and this comes from research you don't have to say yes you're going to go from saying sure I'll let you borrow my car or sure we'll come to Thanksgiving or sure I'll do that or yes yes yes yes yes instead of saying no switch it to a pause I'll think about it let me check my calendar I'll get back to you on that when you switch your yes to a pause and you buy yourself some time you're going to feel a little less pressure for example when you say let me get back to you 20 minutes later you can email back and say thank you so much for the invitation I'm booked or send no over text if it's too hard to say it in person or say no over the phone if you don't want to say it to their face but switching from feeling the pressure to say yes to putting yourself in a pause that's what I want you to practice because if you can say I'll get back to you let me think about it you got time to settle those uncomfortable feelings because remember it's not about the other person it's about you not being able to tolerate that discomfort that rises up and then you immediately make the discomfort going away by going okay fine I'll do it no switch into pause switch into pause because in that pause you're going to find some peace in that pause is where you're going to find that balance and I'm going to give you one more quick little example about how this works so last week I was in Las Vegas and we were on day 15 of a 16 day business trip and we landed late and we did a tech check because I was delivering a speech in the morning and we were about to head up to the hotel it was eight o'clock at night and I turned to my friends and I'm like we should probably get something to eat because we haven't eaten since launch I know it's late and we're going to get up early and then I'm gonna have to race and do the speech and then we're raced and run out of any food in our stomach so we went straight to the steakhouse that was in the casino we walk in there wearing sweats off an airplane it is 8 30 at night this place has a freaking DJ in the bar people are thumping and bumping and Glitters and sparkles everywhere they seat us right away in the bar at a high top the three of us order immediately because we are going to shovel down that food I got the filet mignon and some mashed potatoes and we got mocktails and right above our head was this speaker that was like boom boom boom boom Boop like we were I mean it was like zero to a thousand inside this place I was not ready for this I just wanted to get some protein in my stomach and get to bed because I had a speech to give and I was exhausted so we're eating and we're kind of bopping and talking and right when the steak comes I hand her my credit card signaling bring me the check right away I'm part of the clean play club like I am done I have finished in probably 11 seconds flat uh Melinda who is at the table with us she is done too I look over at Amy she is eating in slow motion she is enjoying every bite I think she is engaged in a mindfulness meditation with this steak and salad at this point and as I assess what is left on her plate I think this is gonna [ __ ] take her 20-minute seed it is 9 30 at night I am exhausted this is the moment I'm talking about everybody this is the balance because the wave of discomfort comes up in my body I want to leave I want to go to bed and I don't want to be a douche I mean here one of my closest friends is sitting here enjoying a salad we've been on the road together I'm like a ride or die kind of person what kind of a jerk leaves their female friend alone at a high top in a bar with a salad that has 85 percent to go in terms of completion just because they're tired I do [Laughter] Ah that's a joke it's a balancing act I said to myself well what's really going to serve me and what's really going to serve me because my number one job is to kill it in that speech tomorrow is to ask Amy if it would be okay for me to go upstairs and just go to bed and I felt that discomfort because the old Mel would have been like I would have just sat there because it would be rude to leave somebody and oftentimes we don't even ask we don't even ask and Amy's sitting right over there so Amy I want you to get on the mic because I I rode The Balancing Act I used the tools and I turned to her because a lot of this is also about the context and it's about how you say it's not what you're saying it's how you say it and so you don't feel like I'm leaving out of here [ __ ] that's not what I said I just said aim would it be okay if I head upstairs and go to sleep I'm exhausted and Amy what was your experience of this moment as I'm clean plating it and you've got probably 20 minutes left yeah I mean you're a fast eater so that was house number one and I felt like when you asked me and you said you mind if I go upstairs I felt like thank God because I would not want her to sit and watch me and my llama eating habits super slow and just savoring every bite I wouldn't want that I wouldn't want that to be the case I want you to do you and I want me to enjoy my salad my steak so when I when you notice that my plate was clean and so is Melinda's yeah and you still had 20 minutes to go what were you feeling well I I'm often in this situation I felt like I know what's going to happen next they're going to want to leave and I'm and I'm happy to do that I felt I felt really happy for you to get what you needed and I needed to get what I needed I wanted you to hear that and this is why you often don't even ask and Amy was relieved that I asked because you know what she doesn't want to sit there and feel pressure she wanted to enjoy her salad and that's exactly what she did Melinda and I went upstairs she sat there for another 25 minutes bopping and weaving alone having the best salad of her life without her annoying friends sitting there staring at her like she was some kind of a zoom animal so we all won bottom line people pleasing it's not about the other people it's about you so notice when it comes up notice that discomfort find the strength to say no I'm not going to sit here with this discomfort and do something that doesn't serve me when you have the ability to recognize this and you have the ability to say no I'm not going to just fall into line no means that you're in charge of your life no strengthens your self-discipline no keeps your goals and your happiness front and center it can make you stronger so that you change patterns and habits that don't serve you because when you don't say no you're saying yes to something else it is powerful when you say no I am not going to do that I'm going to ride this uncomfortable wave and I'm going to do what works for me and I'm going to know at the end that you can be disappointed and you're still going to love me but I'm going to love myself a little bit more because every time you say yes to you you are proving to yourself that you deserve to be happy you deserve to have support you deserve to go to bed in Vegas because it's late and you deserve to have that room back because you need it and you deserve to do things that really work for you so starting today start saying no start tolerating the discomfort switch your yes to a pause and put yourself back in charge your happiness your life it starts with you always always always always always and I know you can do it and I want you to do it and you don't have to prove anything to me you got to prove it to yourself so today when those uncomfortable emotions rise up and that Balancing Act it is here do it do you and know that in case that person's disappointed remember your friend Mel Robbins I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a better life for you now go do it I'll talk to you in a few days oh one more thing it's the legal language this podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes it is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician professional coach psychotherapist or other qualified professionals foreign [Music] thank you so much for being here if you enjoyed that video bye God please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing thank you so much for being here we've got so much amazing stuff coming thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family I love you we create these videos for you so make sure you subscribe

Channel: Mel Robbins

Views: 184,641

Keywords: Mel Robbins, Mel Robbins Motivation, Mel Robbins Advice, inspiration

Id: UVPhdG_w3u0

Length: 55min 18sec (3318 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 27 2023