(dramatic music)
(lasers blasting) - Hey everybody. Time for the news. Got a bad feeling about this. But here's star war news. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute. Hoping to resolve the matter
with a blockade of battleships, the Trade Federation
has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo. While the congress of the
Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events,
the Supreme Chancellor's leadership has been called into question by Queen Amidala of Naboo
after Chancellor Valorum responded to the blockade with a proposal to possibly open a committee
to assess the potential necessity of maybe
investigating the situation. - I've come before you to resolve this attack on our sovereignty now. I was not elected to watch
my people suffer and die while you discuss this
invasion in a committee. If this body is not capable of action, I suggest new leadership is needed. I move for a vote of no confidence in Chancellor Valorum's leadership. - And so it looks like
we're gonna be getting a new Chancellor soon, the
election is in full swing, and we'll get to that, but,
like, this is intergalactic news that could alter the
galaxy, and a trade dispute? That's what was the
final straw on Valorum, a wholly ineffectual, corrupt bureaucrat in the pocket of Big Blaster. But this trade dispute, this
possible invasion committee is what breaks the bantha's back? Like don't get me wrong,
the Trade Federation sucks and what's happening to Naboo isn't good. But, to illustrate what I'm getting at, I want to talk about this
stupid little feel good story, "Human Youngling Beats Sebulba,
Wins Freedom In Pod Race", and, first of all, nowhere in the piece does the Times point out
that Sebulba's a flat-Hother who beats his wife and has
ties to a Sith Rights Group, but whatever, the rest of the story, it's presented to sort of
make you feel like wow, wow, there's still some good
out there, ya know. There's some hope. But, I don't know, aside
from the fact that pod-racing is the most deadly sport
short and long term and aside from the fact that
we only really let prisoners, slaves, and younglings do it,
aside from the exploitation and commercialism and aside from the fact that Bloopis Moople still
hasn't gotten a contract I wonder why, and aside
from the fact that academy podracers don't even get
paid despite the revenue they generate and so on, and so on. Well aside from all that,
the slavery and stuff. Right? Like hey Queen of a
planet, hate to interrupt your dispute on the
taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems,
but, here's some news, the kid who won his
freedom was a slave first. That's why he needed to win his freedom, which he did Force bless him, but also his mom's still a slave. Lots of us are. There's just slavery here. So like if the Republic
needs better leadership, maybe it could be on the slavery stuff? Valorum? Maybe? Is my point. Another thing that the
Times piece doesn't mention is that the podrace won by the slave, was hosted by Jabba Desilijic Tiure, better known as Jabba the
Hutt, a wealthy businessman, maybe you've heard of his barge, often referred to as
the Youngling Express, and I don't want to have to explain why. The Youngling Express
has been ridden by many of the Republic's elite
as revealed in Barge logs leaked to the now defunct "Mynawker", the logs include, oh,
oh Chancellor Vallorum, that's so weird. Also Senator Sheev Palpatine
and Senator Morp Morp, spice magnates Welbsierre
Hoolmny and Boff Boff Weem, Alderaanian Prince Andrew, and former chancellor Squallip Ooooon. So I don't know, maybe this
trade route tax dispute is like the (bleep) worst thing, ever. But before we kick this walking sedative out the blast doors, maybe
someone could just ask Valorum what Bib Fortuna, the person in charge of getting Younglings for
the Youngling Express, was doing at his daughter's wedding? Aisle seat, buddy. Anyway, in other news, choomba da wonga. Bah toopah chono, bagoo bapcho. Meanwhile, although the
election for chancellor has just started, it's
already, not a great time. Let's check out the nominees
who are gonna step up, and cut through the
corruption and the noise, protect and provide, stop
the endless star wars, hold the womprats in
Coruscant accountable, and oh speaking of
womprats, here's some news, another feral womprat
attack outside of Mos Espa, if only somebody had
warned us, interesting. But the candidates. The leaders. Well, there's Sheev Palpatine, from the jabba barge logs, so cool. Also he's the Senator
who incidentally voted for the Sarlacc War, and
can be seen on camera whispering into the ear of the
Queen right before she called for a vote of no confidence
in Valorum, but whatever, I'm sure it's all on the up and up. Another candidate is Ainlee Teem, seen here being the guy
who seconded the vote of no confidence in Valorum,
and then Bail Organa, a senator who also voted
for the Sarlac War, and is the husband to
the queen of the planet he's senator of, and of
course, also a frequent appearer-inner of the jabba barge logs. So, two out of three, nice. Ainlee was recently caught
on a hot mic referring to Organa as Bantha (bleep),
to which Organa's campaign responded, Discruni Dopot, (bleep). So that's fun. No word on their plan for
all the slavery, though. Meanwhile, in local news I'm
pretty sure Jedi were here and they were the ones
who took that slave kid? Because here's some news,
two definite Jedi showed up outside Mos Espa recently, one seen here in their traditional
brown Jedi Robe uniform, the other seen here with his lightsaber, the famous jedi sword only they have that are made of light that
can cut through anything. And I don't know, it's just, you come here and you take this slave
youngling, leave his slave mom and all the other slave people
here, to fly off and do what? What do they even do,
they just run security for the Republic's amazing senators? That's what you're using The Force for? Because according to your religion, the Force is a part of us
all, it binds us all together, but you have more midichlorians, so you have the control
over what's done with it. Hey, while you were
here taking a slave boy from his slave mother
and leaving all the rest of the slavery here, if
you like, I don't know, could have maybe told
somebody in the government about the slavery we have here. Woulda been nice. Or, even, here's some news,
Tatooine Moisturizer Corp wants to build the
M'Tee'Dee'Stone Pipeline right through sandpeople
land, all the while charging 10 credits for a drink of water and poisoning Anchorhead's water supply. So, I don't know, there's a
negotiation for you, Jedi. Also the slavery negotiation. I mean it's no, "taxation
of trade routes to outlying star systems in dispute",
but hey I guess I don't have the right amount of magic bugs in my blood to tell me the right thing
to do, which is apparently save a single slave for
their weird police cult while ignoring the system of slavery present everywhere in the Galaxy. Anyway, I guess my point is,
maybe we could start talking about considering exploring
the concept of a committee looking into possibly expanding the use and benefit of
midichlorians to all people. Midichlorians can heal, they can, probably if utilized better, end slavery. Surely at least one of the
candidates for chancellor has some sort of Midichlor4All plan. Ainlee Teem, here's his,
oh no that's his name also in Jabba's barge logs,
because all three of them are in it because of course they are. (dramatic music)
(lasers blasting) - Hello there, don't be afraid. Welcome to Naboo News, and here's some nabews, I
think we have a dictator now? Because here's some more nabews, there is unrest in the Galactic Senate. Several thousand solar
systems have declared their intentions to leave the Republic. This Separatist movement,
under the leadership of the mysterious Count Dooku,
seen here proudly displaying his Darth Plagues back
tattoo, has made it difficult for the limited number of Jedi Knights to maintain peace and order in the galaxy, something they're very concerned about it. And in a move surprising
nobody, Senator Jar Jar Binks said something really fucking
stupid and everyone cheered. Yes, Battle of Naboo
veteran and literal toadie for the Supreme Chancellor
made a call in the Senate to grant the Supreme
Chancellor emergency powers that I'm sure he'll give
up when the time is right. Do we have a clip? - Dellow feligates, in
response to this direct threat to the Republic, mesa
propose that the Senate give immediately emergency
powers to the Supreme Chancellor. (crowd cheering) - [Man] Order! We shall have order. - It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. - Fun. But also, did you catch
what happened here? The Senator, who only even got elected because of gerrymandolorians
and 'cause he bumbled around in the grass like a decade ago in a battle that he only won because all
of the droids got shut down at the exact same time, and
now he just spends his time licking the (bleep) from
Palpatine's loosening anus, well, that guy said we should
give the Supreme Chancellor emergency power, the crowd cheered, and then Palpatine accepted. That's the system we have in place here. There's no, what, a vote maybe? Like maybe just because
this leathery wet dumbass said something and the crowd cheered, maybe that shouldn't automatically give the Supreme ruler even more power. Maybe it's a bad system of government? I dunno, just a thought. Maybe it's actually good
that we take our cues from the fish who started his speech by saying "Dellow felligates". Unbelievable this guy. But like I said, no worries, because speaking of unbelievable: - It is with great reluctance, that I have agreed to this calling. I love democracy, I love the Republic. The power you give me, I will lay down when this crisis has abated. - Very believable, very convincing. But also, no worries, he'll just, he'll just use these new powers
to like end slavery, right? Or-- - And as my first act
with this new authority I will create a grand
army of the Republic. - Oh, very cool, bigger army. Just gonna keep piling
on that defense budget and make a clone army. See, it's okay, it's just clones. They're not real people. We're just going to grow people, separate them from the
adult they're grown from, put them in camps, and
from birth train them to be personality-less
soldiers and then we'll do yet another star war and throw
them at armies of droids, another class of being
that we treat like trash. Mmm, just sit back with a
nice cool glass of blue milk while some clone slaves
fight the robot slaves, while elsewhere, on other planets, there's also slaves. Very cool, love living in a society. Especially societies
where there's a senate but also queens but also
those queens are elected? Anyway, I'm sure this is all above board. We do, after all, have
the Jedi on our side, and they should know a little something about separating kids and
putting them in camps, a policy actually started under them. Surely the Jedi know what's best. Not the people, not democracy. Except, speaking of the
Jedi, here's some nabews, previously unheard audio has been released by WookieLeaks of someone
you may have heard of, Anakin Skywalker, the Jedi
Golden Boy, the chosen one. You know that guy who we keep saying is kind of a murderous
creep who hates democracy and specifically sand people. - [Anakin] I killed (bleep). I killed them all. They're dead. Every single (bleep). And not just the (bleep), but
the (bleep) and the (bleep). I slaughtered them like (bleep). - So. Mask off, huh, bud. Right on. This should come as a
surprise to literally nobody if you've been paying
attention even a little bit, unless you're a liar. I wonder what people were saying about this guy just a year ago. - Anakin has a distaste
for sand, not sand people. This should be obvious. He has good ideas that are
necessary for our security, and anyone calling him a bigot or dangerous simply has no argument. Reach out with your feelings. You know them to be true. - I'm sorry, but leaked audio doesn't care about your reaching out with your feelings and knowing it to be true. But yeah, maybe he just
hates sand, not sand people. - [Anakin] I hate (bleep). - I dunno just seems like a guy we should be steering clear of. Just my two credits. Something to think about. Things are going great. Can't wait for the star war. See ya, but also, bye. May the et cetera and so
forth be with, and so on. (dramatic music)
(lasers blasting) - Hey, what's up my
newsherders, here's some news: Nagu, Aku tak tak? Okay. Also the Clone War is over! Feels like we just kinda
skipped right over it, huh. Weird thing to do for something
called Star Wars News, but hey, the Clone War is seemingly over. The armistice between
Supreme Chancellor Palpatine and whoever this guy is was
announced just yesterday, and the streets have filled with remembrance and celebration. The Viceroy of Waste Management has asked that everyone dispose of
their glowing orbs safely in the appropriate compactors. Along with the announcement
that the star war is over, Viceroy of Announcements
declared that under a new Old Republic Law,
all of the clone soldiers bred to be blaster fodder
in an endless star war, are now free, do we have a clip? Do we have a hologram? 'Cause it didn't happen? Okay. Well hey at least we don't have a clip of the Supreme Chancellor
dressed like death's creepy uncle ranting about how
he's dismantling the entire government and reorganizing
it into a galactic empire? We do have that? (sighs) I mean play it. - In order to ensure the
security and continuing stability the Republic will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire. For a safe and secure society. - So that's a thing now. And I don't know. Did nobody feel the need to speak up here? Like is anyone gonna
not stand up for that? You're right there, you're senators. Come on. To the senate's credit,
Senator Amidala did hyper-post on her holofeed, "This
is how liberty dies. "With thunderous applause." So, thanks for, for that. You did it. Seems like something to worry about, seems like not a great guy, I don't know. What's it gonna take? During his speech he just ranted on about this conspiracy that
the Jedi tried to kill him and they're the reason he looks like that and he's actually the victim
and he needs all the power. We give lots of crap to the Jedi maybe on account of the
whole still being cool with slavery thing and
their completely ineffectual governance and police state
and lots of other stuff we talk about on here, because
here on "Cody's showdy" we try to be Force-Balanced
TM-C-R-two-E-four. The Jedi, the Republic,
they have lots of problems, but I don't know if we should
kill all of them, you guys? And his whole speech just
seemed like this weird false victimization and
personal grievance stuff mixed with conspiracies
and they don't seem like the best qualities in leadership, especially with all of
the reports from the Jedi that he colluded with the Trade Federation to start the war and take power, and even if Palpatine
didn't know about it, there was definitely Trade
Federation interference in the election and Bail
Organa got more applause than Palpatine anyway. I still think applause instead
of votes is a weird system, and I don't know maybe
super innocent people with nothing to hide don't
hyper-post this nine times a day. Also part of me just thinks this whole "we gotta make a galactic empire" stuff was really just because
he's mad he got booed at the bubble opera. (crowd booing) That's right recently at the Bubble Opera to see the final performance
of Gloob Marbus Tolly's masterpiece "Toronto Gosh
In Chiminy Choo-Doooooo", the crowd booed the Supreme Chancellor for three straight hours. This was before he started
looking like a gundark's turd that was dried out in the sun
and then dampened somehow, and before he started ranting
about how like the Jedi are meanies and he's being
targeted by the droids in the Beep State and now
he's got to do an empire. Just sayin'. Also, fun, he's still hanging out with the Jedi's large
adult son and hater of sand who's just worried
about midichlorturalism. Maybe we don't need to keep
legitimizing these creeps and violent weirdos who
have all this power. I mean, if you're just gonna
both sides this situation and invite people on your show and just let them say stuff like-- - From my point of view the Jedi are evil. - At least challenge them. And maybe don't do it in a
pit of lava, weird interview. If you don't point out the problems with what they're saying,
you're helping them. When you run stories called "The Dapper Young Sith",
you're not helping, you're hyper-hyper normalizing
what they're saying. (mumbles) Just don't do it. And of course when Palpatine
was asked if he's worried about what this could
do for people who want to not be genocided,
he responded, "No, no". But while the former Supreme Chancellor and current Emperor apparently
dismantles the government, what are the fine folks at
Crystal Fox News worrying about? - The war on Life Day continues
as workers are now required to say, "Happy all-holidays
including life day" instead of a simple,
traditional "Happy Life Day". This is the death of values
and tradition in this galaxy. - Here's some news, there's
been a mass sabering, at the Jedi Academy. But pews dude, surely arming
the masters and putting armed guards everywhere helped
stop this shooting, except oh, it made it worse? Very cool. Now, this is just,
another tragedy of living in times of star wars,
happening once again, and we're the only galaxy it
seems to happening in, weird, but in times like this
it's actually important to not necessarily focus
on the perpetrator, but rather on the victims. Plibby Meernups, Gabby Gob Geebugeeb, Jerko, Crusspuss Frown
Man, Jorkun Pormbus, Triss Moonsunner, Glorm,
Kit Fisto, Jackoff Dancer, Orelius Cum, Flibs Pibsy,
and more, and more. Just hearing word that
Clone Trooper 9X-TC55 has released the terrorist's name, which is, oh, surprise
surprise, Anakin Skywalker. The Chosen One they called
him that, unbelievable. Like maybe one dude isn't the solution to all of our problems? God the Jedi suck so bad. Anyway, 9X-TC55 also released a statement that the Jedi are all murdered
and the Clone Troopers helped and now they're... Wanna talk to me? Put it through. Yeah. What's your location. Everything's perfectly
all right now, we're fine, we're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you? Who's this? What's your operating number? (lasers blasting) - There's some news I
haven't seen in a long time. I'm an older Cody but I check out. Anyway, here's Star War news. It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking
from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the totally not
evil Galactic Empire. There were many casualties. But that's intergalactic news. Here on Alderaan,
scientists and politicians continue to argue over whether
or not the object in the sky is a moon or a space
station, despite the fact that 97 Blercent of all mech techs agree that it's a space station, and they've been saying it for so long and the people saying it's a moon sure are connected to
the moneyed interests that benefit from it being a
moon, and recent WookieLeaks reveal that the Flepton Broob Corporation has actually known for a long
time but hid their research. I don't know, maybe going to the senate and saying it's not a
space station, it's a moon, see here's a snowball,
isn't a compelling argument. Some people are even saying, actually, it's not a space station, it's not a moon, it's a consular ship, but
if it's a consular ship, then where is the ambassador, ya know? We've gotten to the point where we now even have younglings
speaking out about this. - We are in the beginning
of a mass extinction and all you can talk about
is money and fairytales of eternal economic growth. How dare you! (crowd applauding) - And everyone claps and it's like, no, she's talking about you. I mean, here's Bail Organa, meeting with the brave youngling,
who's speaking truth to power. Power that's him. Like, you're just gonna
do this hologram op and wish her luck. Thanks, Organa. But, there's still time! We can do something about it! Get your senator slash queen on the com, number's on the screen. But it's not all bad on the planet, some things are bad on other planets. But also, in all seriousness,
we try to keep it a little hopeful here on the transmission, so it's time for another
installment of Some Good Old Hope, our ongoing investigation
of an old man regularly seen wearing the traditional brown
robe and official uniform of the Jedi Order who also
has the last name Kenobi, who history buffs might
remember as being the last name of a General and Jedi
Knight in the Clone Wars. But this one's Old Ben Kenobi, a name that, fun fact,
appears on the barge logs of the youngling express. We've never managed an
interview with Kenobi, though we have recently analyzed sightings and pinpointed a small town on Tatooine lived in by an older youngling
named Luke Skywalker, an incredibly unpopular surname on account of it being the
last name of the genocide-doer currently in charge of the galaxy. Skywalker was raised by his Aunt Beru Lars and Uncle Owen Lars, the son of Cleeg Lars and Shmi Skywalker, the
woman who was the mother of Anakin Skywalker when
they were both slaves. And like, I dunno what to
do with that information, but, there it is. Also here's some news, there
was a recent report on Tatooine of a doctor's hand being cut
off by a sword made of light and the sword was attached
to the hand of another man who was wearing a traditional Jedi robe. It seems relevant, seems like more people
should be talking about it. But the main reason I bring this up is, notice, I said when Anakin
and his mom were both slaves. Notice I didn't say Luke Skywalker, slave. Because, here's a little hope. Slavery doesn't exist on Tatooine anymore. It doesn't exist here on Alderaan. It thrived under the New
Republic in the far reaches of the galaxy, but now that the
Empire's around, no slavery. Am I saying the Empire's good, no. I don't know. They mostly just stand around in clumps and wave people along, ya know? I'm just saying, sometimes
it feels like hell galaxy, but there's still some good out there. And maybe for the sake of
reaching across the aisle, I'm just saying, thanks, The
Empire, for that, at least. Things can get better. And if you feel down,
just remember, Dantooine, at least we're not on Dantooine. (tense music) Do you feel warm? You do? (lasers blasting) - Welcome to Cloud City News, I'm your host Cloney Johnston Version 87X, clones exist, we're
people, get used to it. It is a dark time for the Rebellion. Although the Death Star
has been destroyed, Imperial troops have
driven the Rebel forces from their hidden base and
pursued them across the galaxy. Evading the dreaded Imperial Starfleet, a group of freedom fighters
led by Luke Skywalker had established a new secret
base on the remote ice world of Hoth, but uh, that did not go well. And they seem to be on the run again, so we'll keep you
updated as we learn more. Meanwhile, Coruscant is still reeling from the destruction of the Death Star. Some are already calling
for the construction of another one, with
chants of "build the ball" becoming more and more frequent
at the Emperor's ceremonies. He of course is loving it,
blaming all of everybody's problems on the droids, and
saying he will build the ball, and Glexico is gonna pay, Glexico? We went with Glexico? Star Wars is so stupid. Outside the Emperor's
speech, protesters organized, as well as counter-protesters,
there are reports of fights breaking out
and some property damage, and everyone there that
we were able to talk to recalled hearing a voice in their head whispering, "Yes, yes, give in.". Most of the speech was just the emperor bragging about how he
wiped out all the Jedi, and it's like, dude, the Jedi? You're still talking about that? How long has it been? It's just kinda sad at this
point, but also, after a speech to the Executive Council
of Viceroys yestercycle, he accidentally broadcast
a private conversation with Darth Vader to everybody,
where he's just brazenly talking about giving Vader's
wildly unqualified son a job as like, Junior Guy In Charge? But this is just normal now, you know. Vader, who, like, clearly
has some severe health problems despite claiming he's fine. He lives in this weird egg. The guy who will throw
anyone under the speeder once you possibly, maybe disrespect him. Also, the genocides and
constant state of star war, and crowds of people chanting for another giant kill laser to blow up planets for the personal benefit of
Max Rebo's pruny scrotum. Speaking of scrotums, Lobot has announced that he's running for Cloud
City's Assistant Viceroy of Executives, which means
it's time for our regular segment, "What's Lobot? "What's Goin' On With That Guy?" Hi. What's Lobot? What's goin' on with that guy? What's, what is he? Like, what's that thing, he's got, is that just like a tool
he wears on his head? Does it control him? Is the thing, Lobot? And the guy's name is like Todd? Does Lando control him, via the thing? Does he wear it to look smart? What is it? We keep asking him and he will not answer. He just stares ahead and doesn't blink. This is video. What's... What's Lobot? What's goin' on with that guy? (upbeat music) Anyway, see ya. Wait, that's it? Aren't you a little short for an episode? All right, well. For Cloud City News, I'm News Cloney 87x, saying Poomba da wumba. (dramatic music) - You want this, don't you? All right, welcome back to Star Wars News, coming to you from an
apartment in Coruscant, feel free to check us out
on PewTube and Spacetreon if you'd like to support us. Now let's get to it,
because here's some news, the second Death Star has been destroyed. Actually wait, let me back up: There was a second Death
Star already built, but it's destroyed now. The Emperor is dead, and the Empire seems
to be in mild retreat. Leaders of the rebellion
have stepped up to rebuild the galaxy, a New Republic that sounds an awful lot
like the Old Republic, hope it doesn't fall into
similar issues as before, but anyway new galaxy, from
a Skywalker, and an Organa. Never tried that before. Can't wait to see how that turns out. And speaking of family names
like Organa that have appeared on the barge logs of
the "Youngling Express", here's some news, it's being
reported that Jabba The Hutt has died of suicide. The gangster and trafficker
with damaging information about every wealthy and
powerful figure in the galaxy, choked himself to death with a chain. This guy did that, to himself. And there were no witnesses. And then the barge blew up. So. When we asked Skywalker why
he too appears in the logs, he released this statement,
saying Luke Skywalker had quote, "returned to
his home planet of Tatooine "in an attempt to rescue
his friend Han Solo "from the clutches of the
vile gangster Jabba the Hutt." Uh-huh. Oh, I see. This just in, I'd be
more inclined to believe that a radiated hyperwarping
feral womprat strangled him while whistling Moonslight
Over The Beach Planet Jastifnair's Imperial
Shadow by Karlt Bommy and The Squintle
Dooberps, before I believe this guy strangled himself with a chain and blew up his own barge. Interesting Skywalker brought
up Han Solo considering that wasn't nearly his
first time on that barge. Solo has not responded to our requests, though Chewbacca has tried to explain, saying, "Rrrrooowrraaaa". Except, weird thing. About 10 cycles ago before
he joined the Rebellion, Chewbacca was heard to
have said, Rrrooweerer". So. Weird how that works out. In other news, the adopted
daughter of a senator and queen whose birth mother was also a queen, has been chosen as
Interim Supreme Chanceroy. Meanwhile, The New Trade
Federation via WookieLeaks, still going strong after all these years, has hyper-released audio of
our new Interim Chanceroy using the n-word. - [Leia] "Half-witted,
scruffy-looking (bleep)." - Guess the star wars version of an apple doesn't fall far from the cave in a tree you gotta fight yourself in, huh. - [Anakin] "I hate [bleep]" - Right on, bud. The Chanceroy has issued
no official statement, but we do have more of this: - [Leia] "Would someone get
this (bleep)ing c(bleep)t out of my way?" - So, goodie. In other news, words and
sounds that flound like worgds. And furthermore. Hi welcome to the star news,
the star war is officially finally officially over
after the planet battle of the planet Jakku, which
means it's time for official elections of who's going to
be Supreme Chanceroymperor of the New Republic, and
I'm lookin' at Lobot. He's the only one talking
about droid rights, he spoke out frequently
against the Sarlac War, he's the only one who can
really talk to the needs of the raider class and for cycles he's advocated for clone
rights, which has always been an issue close to my heart. Which actually brings me to, goodbye. It's time for me to retire. It's been a pleasure,
I've been Cloney 327, (somber music) Clone rights. - Welcome To The Newstime Variety Hour, I'm Cloney 454-D, there's
been another mass sabering, this time at a public park
on Wobbus 9, the park planet. The terrorist has been
identified as Joink Toothsleeper, and claims to be inspired
by the Knights of Ren and has hyperposted under
the username Darth Bad on extremist wavenets
like HateHan and ForceHan. He often posted about light supremacy and was briefly a follower
of a conspiracy theory called Blimorgasoovianilpagrinananon, because the anonymous
poster goes by the letter blimorgasoovianilpagrinan. Joink or Darth Bad as he
preferred, also showed an affinity for the absolute clown
and obvious Sither, Snoke, who's currently running
for Supreme Leader, largely under the platform
to "build a ball", and it's like, we've been through this. Because here's some pew pew
pews, a bunch of younglings and weirdos are protesting the removal of a Darth Vader statue on Coruscant, 'cause of like a heritage and pride thing and it's like, in what,
and you get why maybe we don't need Darth Vader
statues just around places. Maybe we could replace the Vader statue with an Alderaan memorial. Most holocrons in schools
still say Alderaan's around! Then you get these
dorkass Vader apologists who dip into Alderaan denial
and now flat Hotherism is catching on again
and like the other day I mentioned Jedi to a friend
and they were like Jedi? I thought the Jedi were a myth. But not that long ago they
were pretty prominent, for millenia. Our education system is failing us all. I'm starting to question
the ways in which we share our information and
communicate with each other. Finding artifacts,
traversing terrain and stuff. Have we learned nothing. You know there was a droid
uprising on Kessel, right? A droids right's movement? Didn't pan out, wonder why. We don't talk about that, do we? Wonder why. Then maybe we'd have to make some changes. Anyway, they took the statue down because of course they did. Here it is happening. Fuck Darth Vader. Moving on to more of, ugh. This guy again. Earlier today, Snoke's
advisor, Kylo Ren hyper-posted on his holofeed an image
of Former Jedi Master Yoda as a puppeteer, with strings controlling the other candidates, as well as the Trade Federation and the banking clan. The hyper-post was deemed
inappropriate, offensive, and outright false by
the other candidates, but when asked for comment
Kylo deemed it "hilarious," adding, quote, "Lighten up, snokeflake," whatever that means. In other news, people are starving. And, speaking of lightening
up, the Endor Forest is still on fire after three
days of a constant blaze. - Hello there, here's Star War news, Supreme Leader Snoke has
been elected Supreme Leader and he's not a part of the New Republic, it's like a new thing, like
the sinister First Order has risen from the ashes of the Empire, and it's separate from the New Republic which is now on the Hosnian
System not Coruscant. oh yeah hi, I'm here in
sunny the Hosnian System which is the New Republic,
and a whole new buncha kooks are in charge and the New
Republic isn't against the Supreme Leader Snoke thing, but there's someone against them and they're called the Resistance
and they're kind of a part of the New Republic, and I don't know, it's just like there's
always so much star war. You know it's been years
since there wasn't a star war, no matter who's dying,
droids, clones, humans, other. Star War ends, here's more star war. Tired of all these star wars,
here's some more star wars. Star war on poverty, star war on drugs. You know slavery's back, right? On Jakku, they just have
like indentured servitude. That's how we treat the
planet we devastated with our endless need for star war and glowing artifacts and stuff. It's disgusting. Meanwhile, all the people on Canto Bight are sipping on their
purple creams and sauces. The Jedi and the Force doing nothing about the slavery coming back
that the Empire got rid of. The Force can heal people. You know the Force can heal people, right? I dunno. There are a lot of problems
that led to the Empire and the Sith, and we defeated
them, we took care of that. But then we just did it all again and surprise, here we are again. I don't know, I guess this brings us
to another installment of "Jedi Joke Junction" or "Jar Jar Jerktion", "Petty Snoke Junction". Things are bad, folks. We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life. - Hello-sa, here's summa newsa, a laser has emitted from a
planet called Starkiller Base and the laser is heading towards us and all of The Hosnian System
that you know and love, so, so long to the
memorable cast of characters from the Hosnian System.
(explosions booming) - Welcome to the fucking
news you piece of shit. Stuff's goin' on in space
but I'm here on Tatooine and Lobot's the fucking Space President, and we did MidiChlore4All. Check this out. Fuck yeah. We all got the Force
now, the Droids have it. Rocks and shit. It's dope, like wow, wowzer kapowzer. Anyway, the news, the Endor
Forest is still on fire. Seems bad. Let's keep it light. Here's star war news, this
morning a report was released by Mos Espa Nature Center
of Executive Viceroys pointing to evidence that
feral womprats can fly now. There's audio of the viceroys during their breakthrough experiment. Play it. - [Viceroy] Argh, they fly now. - [Viceroy] They fly now? - [Viceroy] They fly now! - Okay. Well. (distant whooping) I shouldn't have come. (dramatic music) Hello? They can use blasters now? (panting) I'm not paid for this. This is... It's like they're the
borg, but they're womprats. From the other show. We've had fun here today
and I just wanted to say thank you for stopping by and honestly, Merry
Christmas and only Christmas, the season where there's a
Star Wars movie every year for the rest of our lives until we're dead and even then, they will still be there. Subscribe to Disney Plus. Well that certainly was a
star war, check this out. Be sure to like and subscribe from wherever you watching
the video, on YouTube and check out our Patreon.com/SomeMoreNews and also our Podcast
called "Even More News." Did you notice that all
the blasters on Star Wars say Star Wars on them. It's true. This was all accurate. News, news, where could it be? Here's star war news.
