Staff Favorite Moments: Writer Tim Long | Letterman

hello my name is Tim long I was a writer at  The Late Show between 1995 and 1998 and I was   also the head writer for one year I was insanely  devoted to the old show I grew up in smalltown   Canada but we were within the broadcast area  of Detroit and the Detroit NBC affiliate showed   the old late night a half hour later so on school  nights I'd be up at 1:45 watching Dave interview   like brother Theodore and then I would go to  school groggy the next day camping with Barry   White was the strangest thing in the world and  it made me realize just the way that the show   could turn silly throwaway Concepts into real  things it's my understanding that somebody on   the staff just said camping with Barry White that  actually came about because I just wanted to make   him laugh one time so he said um so what'd you  do over the break and I I said well you're not   going to you're not going to like this but I  went camping with Barry White I found out today   that a member of our staff once went camping  with Barry White uh I know it stunned me too   um four days later there's a tent on the  stage and there's Barry White it just felt   like this show is really hitting me right in  the in the pleasure center of my brain funny   little thing ouch Barry White has just been  bitten by a northern copperhead what you've   seen here fortunately is only a dramatization  but if you were camping with Barry White and   something like this happened would you know  what to do suction the venom out of the wound [Music] there you are now after that get Barry White to  a doctor immediately please now a lot of you are   probably think there were a number of pieces that  were featured in this thing called late night the   book it was a PSA about how you should never give  up on television one of Dave's great insistences   was that he was not an actor but then when you  got him to act it was like Dave could have done   this and there's a moment in that video where  he gets really angry at the kid where you can   feel the heat this cancel business it it could  never happen to voyagers could it yes Jimmy and   I'm afraid it has Jimmy Jimmy it was different it  was really special I don't think I'll ever watch   TV again Jimmy don't ever say that not even as  a joke there was this piece I think late in this   run of the NBC show called The strong guy the fat  guy and the genius rewatching it the genius is the   weak link cuz he's not really he's not really  solving anything he just spouts facts that you   could get off the internet it's so delightful and  just makes everything else on TV look stupid can   you break that clock you have something for  the effect e head of lettuce head of lettu yeah what's the properties of an Isles  triangle it's got two sides that are   equal aair he'll break it a he'll eat it  a square heate SI 16 * 12 let's see 16 192 genius my first joke ever was a setup to the top  10 list where Dave said oh we don't have a top   10 list and he ran out into the back and there  was a vending machine that said top 10 list I   just remember thinking this is amazing I just  thought up that stupid joke and then they made   up that vending machine I don't seem to have the  uh copy of the uh [Applause] list oh right here   there we go let's just see in there all right  that one okay let's try that one okay let's   try that one okay is that cop still here can I  borrow your gun Officer okay let's try that one   all right let's just turn the son of a [ __ ]  over I got sent to Miami to oversee a project   called will you eat the key lime pie we would  place a key lime pie on a pay phone and then   Dave would call the payone and whoever picked up  Dave would ask the aonomus question will you eat   the key lime pie so I had to hold the pay phone  until the last possible second so I was on the   pay phone and Jessica Santini in the control  room was talking to me but she didn't seem to   clock that Dave wanted me to get off the phone and  then I hear in the background really faintly for   the love of God Tim get off the phone and it's  Dave I put together to my horror that Dave has   been yelling at me on camera for about a minute  it all went fine someone picked up and someone   ate the pie to this day I don't know whether that  was edited out cuz I just couldn't bring myself   to watch it thank god well look at the lovely  pastel green and pink there on the outside of   that building hi it's me Dave Letterman eat  the Keyon pie hey hey hey what's your name   hello hi hi it's me Dave Letterman what's your  name Carlos P hey good Carlos do me a favor do   you like key lime pie yeah I do okay there's some  right behind you on top of the phone there uhhuh   there you go spotted it right away excellent  piece of detective work and now Carlos I have   to ask you one question yeah will you eat the  key lime pie if I'll eat it yes of course all right yeah oh sure by all means get the  linen that's the Lin in place okay okay   can you hurry it up Rosie odonnell is  great tonight oh yeah what do you want   me to eat it yeah just eat it eat it eat  it come on here we go [Music] [Applause] yeah my first month at the show I was good at  some things I think I wrote good jokes I wrote   Good segment material but I I didn't have a  handle on remotes I think the idea I pitched   was Dave takes 20 staffers downtown to get  a tattoo and I remember toic saying you've   seen Television right I'm not sure we have a  lens wide enough for 20 people but they sort   of zeroed in on Zoe So I edited the piece  together somebody said well you got to put   music on this and I didn't understand how music  clearance worked and so I put like seven big   pop songs in it I found out later that it was  one of the most expensive segments we'd ever   done cuz I didn't know that you had to pay  those people just take the edge off thanks finish this is sort of like what we did when  Mom wanted her mustache removed the   same kind of deal we had to get her  full of malt lier too you draw do   you paint I draw I paint I sketch  I figure skate I do it [Laughter] [Music] [Applause] all what was funny about like going out with him  on remotes there was sort of this ritual where   you had to have have a lot of stuff prepared like  especially early on I would just like right and   right and right I'd have like you try to war  game every scenario in a remote and then the   camera would roll and he would just go off on his  own crazy tangent that was kind of how I remember   Dave the happiest like kind of engineering  situations where rer G came very very close to   getting murdered would you like some fresh ground  pepper would you like some fresh ground pepper let   me let me put a little fresh ground pepper on that  put a little fresh ground pepper on theb would you   stop it I'm serious what's the problem what's  the problem it's a condiment a cond aggravating   the hell out of me I don't want pepper on my bread  okay I said no where would you like the pepp where   would you like the pepper I don't want any right  now all right how about your friend how about your   friend I want you to get out of my face I want  another waiter what wait a wait a minute wait   wait wait wait a minute who are you Martha Stewart  who are you Martha Stewart carry it over there   by the rim by the rim by The Rim Yeah just with  your thumb down in it yeah get it down in there   just get it all the way in is it in the water y  okay there you go you know I don't want take that   back just just take it back what's the problem now  problem now put your finger in my glass just get   out of here okay well who you're who are you the  Queen of England who are you the Queen of England   I I guess I am but I want your finger in my glass  the P get out of my face it was my thumb it was my   thumb your thumb your finger whatever get I don't  want it your mind can I have a seat away from the   table okay touch me die go away go away my what  a lovely attitude what a lovely attitude Bon   Appetit btit when you're at the Letterman show  you become sort of a a gorilla of Comedy like   you you examine the entire landscape of the show  and you think how can I slip some comedy in there   there's this little song that precedes every top  10 list what if we change the nature of that song   and what if we made it into a love ballot one of  the great pleasures of working at The Late Show is   you could come up with an idea and then it would  be on the air that day so I handed this thing in   the amazing production staff um Jill leaderman and  Nancy agustini would go to work and by 2:00 that   afternoon you got like a world class male Broadway  singer a world class female Broadway singer and a   children's choir it was just thrilling those are  memories I'll never lose ladies and Gentlemen   please enjoy the Late Show top 10 love ballad  this will be [Music] good A Feeling both human   and divine the top 10 list so much funnier than  lists of eight or n love it captured our hearts   and made us one the top 10 list a 10-step journey  on the road to talk show [Music] fun top 10 love   B we sing it we hold the least so dear like a  delicious salad the L has many parts we [Music] [Music] love top 10 love Val our love will see us  through top 10 love Val bringing top 10 love to be you one of the amazing things about working at  The Late Show especially when you're a kid from   nowhere is that you suddenly realize you're  in this Bizarro celebrity Nether world and   the best example of that is a story that doesn't  really involve me and a lot of it secondhand and   I probably shouldn't tell but screw it one of the  amazing things about Dave is that he's one of the   very few people on the planet who can act natural  on camera and just say whatever he wants to say   at first you know they were kind of like a new  couple and Mir and Quenton Mir Quinton Quenton   Tarantino Mir Quinton Tarantino is her boyfriend  no okay really yeah oh man I find that well it's   just a little discouraging I mean all all all  geniusness aside but he's kind of geeky the guy   right no just a little no the guy who did res war  dogs now I mean yeah undeniably that he can write   films and direct but you know when he get right  down to it he's just a little dweeby isn't he I   believe Dave got a call like later that day or the  next day and Dave it's Quinton Tarantino on line   one apparently Quinton Tarantino said something  like I'm going to kick your ass you made fun of me   for dating Mira svino you like there was something  wrong with it and Dave apparently said but yeah it   there is something wrong with it because she's  her and you're you once he sort of put together   what was happening Dave said I am going to uh  we will arrange for you first class airfare   for you to fly to New York and we will get you a  very nice suite at the hotel of your choice and   you can come over and kick my ass and he was like  good thankfully quinon Tarantino didn't take him   up on it a couple months later Quenton was on the  show so Dave wisely was like okay I guess I got to   go talk to him we should probably clear the air  before the segment and so Dave goes up and then   there it was a long time they were in there were  like what's going on and then Dave came out and he   did this really funny thing where he pretended to  hold his eye like he had been beaten up by Quinton   but what an odd thing to have happen my first  trip to La was to come with Dave and a crew to   shoot a bunch of remotes and so we did a segment  called fun in a car where it was exactly that Dave   drove around we went to a muffler shop and just  put Dave's car up on a Jack and slowly lowered it   onto like all sorts of things to be crushed and  I remember we put that together with the song   Fun Fun Fun by The Beach Boys and it just turns  into this mistle of comedy and it was so much   fun so again great experience I'd like 1,200 tacos  we're going to turn the car into a taco mobile how [Music] [Applause] [Music] many [Music] well you knew all have you ever seen a guy drink motor oil  it's one of those Candid Camera things look   come here come here here you go I'm Alan  fun Jr hey wave to the [Applause] [Music] truck help yourself to the complimentary  tacos I've filled my car with tacos and   I've gone [Music] [Applause] n you know  how some people wake up and say I didn't   study for the exam I still wake up  sometimes and think we don't have   an act one like it's just something  that sticks with you [Music] forever

Channel: Letterman

Views: 38,853

Keywords: letterman, david letterman, dave letterman, interview, letterman interview, letterman official, letterman late show, letterman late night, late night, stupid pet tricks, stupid human tricks, top ten, late show, top ten list

Id: ZH0Q-1WfC-0

Length: 14min 52sec (892 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 10 2023