Something’s Burning S3 E02: Tony Hawk and Jason Ellis Talk Pizza Rolls and Tingling Tattoos.

I can't actually do 50 push-ups in a row I can actually do 50. I did 50. I did 50. and these like like quick little jerky ones or like no I just want you'll you'll see my power you'll see my power stomach hit the ground every time yeah that's the cheapest [Music] burning I got Jane cleaning up cans behind me okay we're gonna we're gonna film the show now um I think I'm getting old like I think I'm starting to get the big but you're gonna be a movie star though get back to that okay yes the movie looks like you're gonna be awesome but I thought it's more like an Eminem thing where Eminem rules a movie and it's like what can he do but then he goes I'm not Hollywood you're you're nice Oh no you're going full loser I'm sorry sell out I want to sell out right I want I want all will you get on the TMZ bus when it drives past oh yeah because here's the difference there's Will Smith and then there's Seth Rogen and they were on a corner once and the TMZ bus came up the story completely Twisted but is that Joe Rogan no no no it's the same I got the names right you got the names right but the situation was wrong it doesn't matter Seth Rogen runs from the bus Will Smith gets in the bus and takes a photo with every single person in there which one are you which one am I yeah I'm Will Smith yeah yeah see here's the thing something happened in Hollywood where it became gross to like celebrity it became gross and everyone wanted to be wanted to care about the crafts and everything and then I hung out with Arnold Schwarzenegger and I watched him deliver to everyone all right we worked out together and I watched him own it he was so good he gave everyone their second and everyone's like dude this is Arnold everyone this is nine-time Olympian Mr Olympian right everyone and this is my critique to Tony Tony walks around with regular guy energy yeah like he doesn't walk with goat energy and he's a goat he's a [ __ ] goat yeah and he guides it well but he knows it he he walks around like he's lost in a library like he's just like he's like like his hands are in his pocket his hands are in his pockets all the time oh that was yeah I mean you do play it pretty cool but you play it really cool I don't know if it's that I don't know how can I feel that energy but yeah you don't feel good I'm like wait what no I gotta tell you though I I met Arnold Schwarzenegger a few times back in the day and every time I saw him the he he did remember me but every time I saw him he'd say hey hey [ __ ] fit I I looked at Arnold I walked I walked away and I said I want I want to be like I don't care about being like an acknowledged actor I want to be a movie star I want to sell out I want to do I want the machine to do well I want to do machine two three and four right it's gonna be my Rambo and then would you be in Fast and the Furious 12. dear Lord I know Jason doesn't believe in you if you can hear me and Tony the good Christians in this room wait don't put he's in the library with me Tony's a goat he's gotta he's gotta find God yeah you do go find God what about what about when people are like I want to thank God for my success and like what about the the guy who lost God didn't like him but he he also believed hey Tony that keeps me up at night because I got so many good things happen to me and I go I know there's some kid in a blood diamond mind in Sierra Leone going the [ __ ] did Bert Chrysler do to deserve that like I think about that all the [ __ ] time dude I I have I have uh I go into dark places in my brain the Arnold Schwarzenegger was so you know what he said to me he goes I'm doing I'm doing uh lats yeah and I'm like this and he's holding my belly look at these Deltas this man's perfect you need a mold of this body on my head I'm like is this Vision going he's like he needs a mold of his body I walked away I felt so good about myself what about now I still feel good it got ya I think you reject right now do I am [ __ ] jacked you're I am low-key jacked you're located on my [ __ ] arm just feel my arm just feel my mind why is it shaking because that's how what flexors do it I am [ __ ] jacked you know I'm jacked you know I'm [ __ ] jacked I could bang out 50 push-ups easy peasy straight if I had 50 straight I've done it I've done it see you just exaggerated [ __ ] 50 straight who's supposed to do 50 push-ups the other day Deja Vu remember he's talking about what we're having wakeboard uh Sean Murray Sean Marie hit me up you travel the world telling people about what an action sports athlete you are I get it from people oh you don't know about bird he's a National wakeboarder I'm like no he's not oh he's a what is it he's a professional skimboard I'm like worst idea ever dude I'm I'm like sneaky athletic do you remember when he was talking about he was making claims about wakeboarding and then called your friend yeah and everybody goes way back before you left you called three people and they said you couldn't wait for it for now and then you were a great wakeboarder and I'm not saying you can't do this stuff but that's all we had was our experience is that all your friends say that you're lying well I'll tell you what I can do I can make awesome meals of that look I had to it was his birthday the other day and we were doing a show and he was talking about how he loves whiskey but he only he's like my ice uh machines or your Icebreaker gets jammed sometimes and I'm like wait you have a crappy little ice thing and then we talked about rich people ice where you can make an ice wall yeah ice balls just give me a Red's up real quick that's nothing that's not you give a present explain what it is the other day you said you said you really wanted some uh my memorabilia from Winston Churchill this is a teacup everything oh yeah he didn't explain what it was oh oh Chris that's how gifts work Jason Christmas oh man I ruined the surprise yeah your turn I didn't want to feel bad and not give you anything so I got you something that involves the cooking show oh awesome right because we're on a cooking show yeah uh yes ice balls yeah thank you clear ice balls there you go those are [ __ ] awesome you're gonna drink yeah I follow a guy on Instagram and his whole thing is making Clear Eyes he made it his life's mission to figure out how to make clear ice out of like I wish I had simple wants like that I never wake up and go mama you know what would be cool today yeah only guys a good ice you know how many times he must give those to people and he's like waiting for the ta-da and they're like oh thanks and he's like did you take a look at the drink though he actually does it he has to do it in the cooler yeah are you talking about the glass that holds it is ice what's that whoa no talking about making clear Ice Cube like ice super clear like like what this will do with spheres maple syrup yeah but it's it was in whiskey it's whisk Whistle Pig maple syrup but it's in a whiskey bottle a Whistle Pig is a good whiskey right yeah yeah you should do a collab here oh this is is this whiskey this is maple syrup yeah you want a glass full of maple syrup it's a cooking show not a drinking show no we can drink you can't drink I can't do you ever do you ever like a Super Troopers thing I can have a drink I just can't have more than a drink that's not fair it is to you I'd rather not drink than do that to you I don't mind you drinking at all I know but everybody around me drinks is fine really yeah yeah I do do you drink I do do you want to drink he loves whiskey that's why I got in the sauce oh I got good whiskey hey hey Jim will you see if we ever grab a good whiskey did you ever see are you gonna think oh my God oh my God should we do special whiskey oh this is oh do you want to do special whiskeys yeah I do so um so this bottle was given to me by a really cool dude it was it was it was uh bottled in 1972 the year I was born so I think it's cool that like all the [ __ ] that happened in my life this liquid has been inside this bottle the whole time yeah like I think that's so cool that like Reagan got shot and this just sat there [Laughter] it didn't do anything the wall fell and they were like not yet we all got married I got married like three years we married a bunch of people well that just said it just sat in there didn't tell me but the best thing is when you open it that means because my marriage is sticking so when you open it that's it it's it's I'm not getting married again solidified what's that if he opens that can I not get married again the one I liked yeah underwear wolf yeah [ __ ] I liked her a lot well yeah me too yeah do you want me to cry on the show Bert did I cry my cat died the other day too I could do it easy okay let's drink but I did get detected in customs uh for having an anomaly in my pants because my dick's big so come on it happens all the time I'm not lying it happens all the time my my I've finally decided to come out and admit it I pull my pants up high because otherwise the anomaly they get it's like a yellow Square just off to the side because it's dangling off to the side and they go can you go back in and this time pull your pants up so I go in and I pull my pants up and then I go back out and they go there's this yellow squares an anomaly and I'm like this happens sometimes it's not that big of a deal and he's like we're going again or I'll search you and I was like just search me I know what it is just grab it and we can move on and then the two security use that language that's exactly what happened to move on I just didn't touch I didn't say grab it I said touch it maybe just rub the tip a little bit awkward eye contact you well you know I didn't say any of that but there was two security girls and a guy and the two girls because I had sweatpants on they went they looked and then they did like the back off thing and then the guy was like I'm gonna have to search her do you need a private room and I was like No just do it just grab it just let me go I'm cool with it and then he touched it and yeah it's not a bomb wait I think maybe it's because I've got I'm not circumcised and maybe a lot of Americans are circumcised that maybe that's the anomaly I don't think it's picking up circumcisions maybe my dick has a little bit of metal in it I think that's the one that he was in Palestine they're like he's the Jew get him the uh the today I'm gonna pour us a glass of whiskey I am making I'm making high-end pizza rolls a little tiny pizza bites you ever have the Totino's pizza oh they're [ __ ] so good but we're making them homemade I'm gonna Grill I'm gonna cook this up we're gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna make dough first and then I'll let the dough sit while I cook this and then we'll roll it out we'll cut it up and we'll make we'll put our own fillings in bake it and then I have a great burrata dip you ever have brother Brad is so [ __ ] good I'm late to the game on Broadway cheese like really really cheesy it's really good cheese it's like almost like sauce is it stinky no no mozzarella okay so um so you start off by making the dough you mix in your sugar a little bit of salt uh risk of salt what do they do with the salt and then uh have you ever made dough before dick dude I'm gonna go back to your desk I'm tripping at the you look like you know how to cook right now I do know how to cook that was like the way you just dip that in there is like you've done this before so what you want to do is what you want to do is this is yeast so this yeast and then I'm going to put a little bit lower did someone tell you to say that right like did you memorize that no I I would like making dough you I like making dough for pizza because it uh it's it feels like you know what you're doing I like making pasta too seem like you know what you're doing right now yeah I do this is impressive oh thank you you know that jacked but you're in an impression you've got something going on here I'll give you that do something but I mean if you felt it but this is I don't know this is real this there are ABS inside here that's cheating that's easy anyone can say that no there's ABS inside there they're like legit today my workout I did uh 195 10 times to finish off my 195 watt bench yeah you can bench 200. I can bench 275. I can actually do 50 push-ups in a row I can actually do 50. I did 50. I did 50. and these like like quick little jerky ones or like no I just want you'll see my power you'll see my power stomach hit the ground every time yeah that's the cheapest it's a cheat codes I can't go all the way down it stops me so you can kind of get it to like flick you back up a little bit right yeah yeah I was touching a goat yesterday and it reminded me of but oh thank you because it's got a it's got like a it means like you're the goat it had a dense oh oh yeah yeah that was the spin yeah now I was trying to say he was fat damn it I could lick my own dick all right can you yeah no come on come on I can barely tie my shoes you never know some people I had a friend who can do it just edit this out he said he said man you gotta wait a little longer before you boys say the name it was like it's like to what says you gotta let him give it him I see your whiskey yeah okay and he said he said I said what's it like sucking your own dick he goes well it feels less like someone's sucking your dick and more like you're sucking a dick I tried it I can't do it not that flexible you can't deal with all those clams of security anomalies yeah right you'd think apparently like I'm I'm I might have a little Gusto down there but I'm as stiff as a bastard because apparently I can't do it yeah I think some people have seriously longer necks I'm not saying like Danny Wayne Kelly Slater can blow themselves I'm just saying they've got long necks do you realize what how that would change his legacy if they're like Kelly Slater can suck his own dick everyone would be like he's also a good Surfer but do you really know what he's gonna happen and he's 50. and he's 50. yeah I wonder if he's like you meet like uh goats right yeah and you go would they get me like like because I'm I mean they get you you are one of what of Comedy you [ __ ] oh I'm not a goat yes you are look at this little tiny nozzle that's legit you're a freak bud I'm a good comedian in a good I'm a harder worker yeah but I don't think the rock is that talented he's just a really hard worker which makes him a legend um you can be a really hard worker and not get the parts here's a guy that I thought had the natural Talent when I when I first saw him skateboard I was like oh this is a guy that when he got a skateboard it was just easy for him and then from doing the show over the years here in his childhood where he wasn't naturally good at it at all it's skateboarding it's what he claims no see is that that surprised me too I thought for sure he was like as soon as I touched it I was like weird loves me yeah because I was like it hates me and loves you but no he put in the work that's all it is so wait so wait what then what makes you so good like do you because I always I always deflect and go I'll tell you right now there are comments that are way better than me that people don't know really brilliant dudes and by the way there's I'm performing in bigger places and a lot of people that should be performing in those places but I all I don't mind working my ass off I don't mind promoting my shows and like getting out in front of the camera I don't mind all the [ __ ] that a lot of people the hustle the hustle yeah yeah I mean a lot of that is is a huge part of of success is is your ability or your willingness to keep working or keep trying and I think that's probably My secret is that I just would never give up so then like this is a real weird question but well I want to try this before it gets watered down so oh yeah sure Cheers Cheers it's very good that's good yeah hey so this is a weird question how do you handle that like like when people go you're the greatest do you go just thank you or do you like because it is like do you here's a weird question do you believe it like Michael Jordan like Michael Jordan believes it I well I'm super appreciative and thankful for any compliment but skateboarding is so subjective there's no one is the best like I was just at X Games last weekend in Tokyo so the the age range of that event was like 12 to 55. really and um it's just fascinating to see how far it's come and and two of the guys you'll love this Eddie Dem story from from France and um Moto yeah both beat me with my own tricks are you serious oh even realize that kickflip yeah yeah and back to Life360 it's a board slide at the end at the end at the end of the event I was like wait a second those are my what the hell am I doing here yeah like maybe that's my sign that's [ __ ] crazy that's [ __ ] crazy like there's people that can do whatever he can't do now but absolutely it's the start of it so but that's the big jump for all of us where we were all like because it's different if you hear about it like I'm from Australia I heard people could do stuff then I came here and watched him do it and I'm like oh yeah I kind of know how to do it from seeing him do it like I'm not saying I'm just gonna straight away I make it but it definitely helps to watch it well it also helps that when when something has been accomplished to to get to that stage or to accomplish for yourself is a little easier I think because you know it's possible yeah and I feel like that is the state of skateboarding and the evolution of skateboarding is that there's all these things that are these Milestones have been made and so now there's a kid coming in a 10 year old that's like well I'm Gonna Learn kryptos obviously my first week yeah which is why if it wasn't invented until I was like 14. you see he did too many tricks too easy and at one point if he didn't like beat himself every weekend then the guy that got second would somehow get first because but even even when I was winning I got all the hate yeah really yeah yeah for sure yeah how did you how did you deal with getting hate it's it's a tough [ __ ] thing to deal with because you go because as a person who wants people to like them whenever I get like a negative comment I I cannot look at all anymore I cannot look at all me too I mean I stopped getting on YouTube because I was like because you know you get your compilation videos of like Chrysler kills it and then you get one that's bad you're like who would spend time not liking me yeah and then part of me is like I should stop talking yes yeah but I got that kind of hate to my face yeah back in the day so for real yeah it made me more immune to what's happening now with social media but I feel like I'm stronger for it uh I don't know if I'm stronger for it I definitely I definitely can identify like when I have been living my life right because I want I want good things for everyone but I can't focus on the negative stuff because then it [ __ ] me up you don't do anything negative it's just like sometimes people say silly [ __ ] because they're on the internet oh they just like yeah what do you do that's bad I'm an alcoholic but you're always there you work hard you don't disappear I know but then they I don't know I mean there's a lot Moody like I saw one one guy got really upset because I was I was telling Rogan I was just talking [ __ ] to Rogan yeah like yeah I can do that and then he's like you can do it it doesn't sound like you but I loved I'm a [ __ ] comedian that's the [ __ ] I'm not a [ __ ] I'm not a historian I'm not a professor I'm a [ __ ] comedian you know it's a girl one time had to remind me of that he was like he's like that's what I love about you you just always talk [ __ ] and I was like yeah and he's like he goes I don't believe it and I go you don't and he goes hey buddy you're a [ __ ] comedian you're not a pro athlete and I was like Yeah because sometimes it gets blurred in my mind all right those were made I'm gonna let it rise put it in a warm place sometimes it does get lost in my mind because if you do something like if you surprise yourself athletically like I went out to my high school and I uh and they took we were taking batting practice with the high school kids and I hit a [ __ ] home run I'm 50 years old I hit a hall I had a lot hard to do it's extremely hard to do and I never did it in high school what depends on who's pitching yeah well it was right it was batting practice it would be real clear but I hit a home run I'd never done that in high school when I was in shape I never did that in high school yeah never hit a home run then I hit home run and I was walking around like [ __ ] yeah and then all of a sudden I'm like oh wait I'm on testosterone like that doesn't make that much of a difference what were you really low I was like I they changed my pronouns I don't know I was it happened to me too though for a little bit there when I was fighting I might have given myself just a little bit more than I was told to do everyone goes to the 26 CC you gotta fight bird and you're like so this gets me to a level that's pretty high and he's like yeah and I'm like well if I just take a little bit more into the syringe that would make me even stronger right just that little bit no one knows now just to be good at darts you do Coke to take over the [ __ ] world I have like a hard thing so now I do like exactly what the doctor tells me I thought I had your heart thing the other day he had a flutter and I was thinking about you a lot I was my heart was fluttering I was very hungover and I was like yes and I was and I couldn't go to sleep you know drinking a lot is the they call it something because a lot of people around Christmas and stuff come in with uh the afib from drinking a lot um no I have a I have a heart murmur like a detected heart murmur I need a lot of people to do I need to get a sleep apnea machine wait you can't sleep good you snore uh I snore really bad what about one of those hyperbaric chambers you could sleep in you're rich why wouldn't you do that I would do that I'm waiting until they come out with the high-end ones because right now you can only get the bag and the bag doesn't get you down to like four fathoms four fathoms is where the machine what you can't get the machine you can't get the glass one the glass one you can't get it no not for sale no you could make a hyperbaric chamber room dude because there's altitude rooms you ever been in an altitude room yeah last case like your bubble boy and they make their altitude in there super high and every punch makes you ten times as tight Dave Navarro used to work on an uh work out on an elliptical in one of those yeah did the bar I saw him naked a couple times did you see his penis yeah is it an anomaly nice hog right nice hog like solid piece but he's gonna get stopped at the airport he got I don't know about that do you think he fluffed it to show you no it was a bull he did have Sonic [ __ ] so he had solid sauna [ __ ] he was in a sauna so all your bloods oh down there all right Sonic's like a bigger [ __ ] yeah like did he have dangly balls because Sona balls I gotta be honest with you I gotta be honest with you I spent so much time reading that [ __ ] because these all tatted up yeah and they go right to his [ __ ] they're like everything's like right around there and even shaved hairless and yeah nipple piercing that whole tattoo the other day dude man that is a sensation my asshole's been so itchy I think a tattoo would make it feel better yeah wait what did you get spider web I had my wife my ex put a love how to ram my butthole and then there was like gaps so I filled all the gaps taint and everything with spider webs tattooing over there I said that to someone one time the bit where God shows you up you know that's where your vagina is because we're all women and then there's like a thing that turns you into a boy before you come out of a vagina yeah I felt that I was with uh dating a girl and I felt that and she goes that's where God seemed you up and I went oh yeah and then I went wait God didn't have a thread a needle wait no wait do I have a vagina yeah and then I was like wait am I a two per uh two thing person told me yeah yeah it makes sense it smells good but by the way this is my favorite way to cut garlic yeah it wasn't very Mafia though no I know the mom that's what you know that's where I got it from Good Fellas when they slice it razor blade what's a movie you can't turn off if it goes on oh Joe's Rambo and Meg Meg I love Meg I know it's the Meg yeah and I'm gonna watch me too I'm gonna love Meg too and I don't care what anybody says see this [ __ ] uh mine is a Starship Troopers Starship Troopers it's the one that's real it's very robust so bad that it's it's like but it okay this is my defense star Troopers is so bad it's good but it's also so good wait what I don't I don't think I'm familiar who's in this person in it um what's his name Dougie Howser oh yeah Doogie houses in it and then who's the girl that married shh the Tiger Blood guy Charlie Sheen yeah oh I know who you're talking about she's Denise Richards Denise Richards is in it yeah I saw her on a plane one time now we're back in the day back in the day we're all right uh one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my entire life one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my entire life who's someone you've seen in person like a celebrity where you went that is astounding mini driver I'm so glad you said that I don't know I've always wanted to have sex with someone that could defeat me and Achieve she she looked like she she's got Superior Mini drivers I didn't even see it because in the movie she seems little and sweep it and also a circle of none or circle of one circle of friends circle of friends she played the fat chick like she gained weight for it yeah and then she comes out and starts hitting bangers dude I [ __ ] love Minnie Driver me too Gwen Stefani she's got a beard bit Peach fuzzy for me for real yeah I did not see that good morning Brad Pitt uh that's that's one celebrity I probably he's the hottest person in the left he's pretty [ __ ] hot I saw him a hotter girl than Brad Pitt Charlize Theron no way okay I met her yeah really and she was very beautiful right I liked her and Ashley Judd Ashley Judd was a [ __ ] Banger back in the day did you ever hear what happened to Ashley Judd's leg nah she's uh taking a hike in the jungle doing some like like Goodwill [ __ ] you know like monkeys or something and she trips Goodwill for monkeys oh no you know something like when I become a movie star I'll have to find a charity that I care about like elephants and then not everyone will be there and that'll be my thing like Leo like Leo doesn't know Natalie Portman's uh silverback gorillas she just takes care of Soul Brock gorillas I'll find mine it'll be like silverback gorillas when you go and hang out with them that they find the alpha of the group and they they pick them out so like if we all go there we'll be notified by the the main gorilla who is the man of the pack I told you about this with Dax Shepard one day and Dax was like obviously it would be me and I was like obviously it wouldn't it would be oh they mean they should be Alpha thinks he's the alpha it's hard to be an alpha when you are an actual athlete like it's hard to out Alpha an actual athlete right it's it's not possible like I'm not like like Joe will always be an alpha right I feel that a lot but because I'm half gay is like a thing that argues with it a lot what with your Alpha [ __ ] yeah which is your outfit yeah we bully each other inside my head for real oh yeah because I'd be like man I can smash everybody in this restaurant if I like and I'd probably do it in under seven minutes and it's like why did you need to say that like What's your deal yeah what are you going through and I'm like why don't you just like be happier and try to hug everybody because really you're just a friendly person and I'm like that's so gay you know smash people so it's like a mixture of war and blow jobs I remember the first time you told me you were bisexual but you hadn't come out yet but you totally I told you you told me wow and I I really yeah man I must really like you and and you are you sure you haven't come out yet I'm it was a while ago is when you were doing your Series XM show yeah and you had said something about it to me and I thought you were joking that's usually how I get away with it and I and I laughed and then I and then you didn't laugh and I went oh wow and I was like oh cool because I've always had like a thing like because I'm not I don't I'm not a chase [ __ ] guy like I've never been that guy yeah so then I I've always been like why aren't all my friends either gay or bisexual like my favorite people are like Tim Dylan is one of my favorite human beings alive he made me laugh harder last night backstage then I laughed in a comedy club he's a legend I I'm everything about him is legendary to me Tim has leaned into Hollywood in the most beautiful way possible agreed every day he gets in his Bentley and whatever he slept in and goes down to the Polo Club to have lunch and he brings his newspaper and he's got his iPhone and he's looking at real estate deals and he's closing movie deals and he's just holding court has a [ __ ] full meal I love that energy you know one time he said he came to I was doing the comedy story he was like Hey man you're pretty funny do you want to do a show with me and then I did a show with him yeah that actually happened he's he's a real dude somebody ever met him he came into the Green Room he was like hey man it's pretty cool you wanna do a show with him I'm like you're Tim Dylan yeah and then and then that was it another storm again but still that happened he is he is a badass dude I can roll it out on the thing I don't need a plate do I I feel like we're making homemade bacon we are making that's you know what they wanted to make Bagel Bites for initially do you like Bagel Bites I was I was sponsored by them for a long time are you serious yeah oh no way I combusted I was like who the [ __ ] eats Bagel Bites and then I was like let's make pizza rolls yeah can someone get me some more cheese so this is I keep leaving the [ __ ] fridge door open if you could have one sponsor for your podcast who would you like to have like a lifelong sponsor they they sign a deal in perpetuity till the day you die the UFC that would be a good one and then I go to all the fights and I'm up against like on the cage and I can watch them all super close and then I like go to the Hotel they already have a line on tickets though no I kind of got too gay at like text Dana White I feel like it's he won't like me anymore I wonder if Dana White knows who I am I just feel weird about texting him now thank you isn't that crazy like is there anyone that you've that has known who you are and you were shocked I remember going to an event charity event Dustin Hoffman was walking out whoa and then I was walking in he's like hey Tony Hawk Mike what how okay that's crazy yeah that was crazy yeah that's insane Samuel L Jackson said my name after we did a movie together where I was a turd in XXX for freaking and probably a total of of an hour of being around and I talked to him a few times and then at the premiere I'm at the after party eating some pizza and getting a drink and he comes up and he goes Jason how are you doing I'm like you're shitty [ __ ] me yeah and I had like friends standing next to me so it looked like I was friends with Samuel L Jackson and I just played it off like hey man good to see you Sammy simmer boy I didn't go that far you ever hear that you ever hear the Don Rickles story with uh with uh Frank Sinatra no he goes he says to Frank Sinatra he's going to the bathroom and he sees Frank Sinatra bathroom he was Frank hey I'm with the girl it would mean the world if you could just stop by our table for a second just say hi just say I think it would help me close the deal yeah and he goes he goes well I'll see what I can do Don so sitting there and then finally Frank gets up with his drink he goes over to Don he sits down the table and he goes hey and Don goes Frank can't you see I'm with someone [ __ ] that energy is gone in this city like that [ __ ] like those days The Rat Pack days that was the badass days you don't wear an apron no I just I see that just put it on me I think my this dough is a little harder than I want I might need to let it uh cool you think if it cools it gets easier yeah if it warms it's hard as a [ __ ] rock right now we're gonna get one pizza roll each that's a lot of filling it works for me that's my [ __ ] that's one it's one yeah exactly okay okay rolls let's just go Pizza you just want to make a pizza yeah just put it in a fist let's go here we go personal sizes oh you guys are way better technique you guys want pizza dicks so when did you realize you had a big dick because I learned I remember the day I realized I didn't but it's not ridiculously small it's not ridiculously small but it's definitely not something you want to bring into a locker room right yeah I feel like if you girls said it and I didn't believe him I just figured that's what girls say because my dad was packing so that's the only one I had to gauge off yeah and then when I got gay and started hanging out with a bunch of penises I was like a great way to find out yeah like that's a really truthful test way to find out you have a big dick it's when you start seeing other dude's dicks up close that's pretty easy to tell then when you are bisexual is there like a guy that you're like that's not my thing yeah what you that's what he says remember what he said on your mom's house because guys like you can suck it but that's as far as it goes I don't want to make everything because you got like a big beard and stuff wait no hold on you just said I can suck your dick that's it what was I let him you'd let me suck your dick he did not you a guy that looked like you oh no that's me I could do whatever you wanted to be but I love you I think what I can do is I can what I'm gonna do you want to see what I'm gonna see I'm gonna show you what I'm gonna do and I think you guys will be very surprised um did it get hot in here all of a sudden yeah yeah oh I said the oven on all right what I'm going to do is I'm going to that's a sweet sausage roll you're Brewing out there bud I feel like I'm home um is there somewhere in the world you haven't traveled that you'd like to go Bora Bora really what do you know about it uh just the photos on Instagram really yeah I just want to live in one of those little houses on the stilts things oh I'd like to observe like go surf in Bali or there yeah yeah so just so we're clear that looks awesome that looks pretty [ __ ] good I'm very excited about that than whatever you were gonna make I mean it's no Bagel but it'll do we can make one bagel big Bagel bite yeah big Bagel Bites I'll make Bagel Bites good call Tony sick I like how excited he gets of that stuff I get you may I make it I'm excited about Bagel Bites now and I don't even really think I can I get so excited for the silliest stuff yeah yeah I like life but you should be excited about your life it's pretty exciting yeah yeah no it is do you get to a stage where you're doing so many things and they're all these sort of dream opportunities that you suddenly lose how important or how exciting they were you know like to be a pro skateboarder and then to be 50 and still skate and I do a podcast with Tony Hulk yeah like how am I I should be grateful of that but there's tons of times where we do the show and I go yeah see ya yeah that's cool yeah because I get you get used to it but think about all the other skateboard people that listen to our show and they're like Ellis gets to do a show with Tony Hawk every day it's pretty [ __ ] cool on my side it's the the eye the idea that we get these big names that will just come in who tell me about some names you write on your podcast that you've never been oh wow yeah Seth Rogen you have Seth Rogen on yeah I think he's cool as [ __ ] he was the I don't think I've laughed more in a shot that was really not I think that that one is is probably his will smoke Will Smith jokes just started he didn't like Will Smith he gave it to him it was pretty fun yeah I enjoyed it but you you twisted those stories so I do that I hit my head a lot and I smoke a lot of weed so I had lots of Seth Rogen a few years ago a little restaurant on Melrose we left and I was parked down the street he I think his house was near there or he was parked up the street or somewhere and we're walking and and Melrose was really empty for some reason no cars coming by the only car that drove by was a TMZ tour bus and it just stops in the middle of the street and was like look there's Seth Rogen and Tony Hawk and people start getting off the bus and I'm like what this is crazy and Seth took off really like was gone in an instant yeah and then I was there like taking a couple photos and then traffic started moving so we made the move but that was that was the story I edited it but then Smith to make it more exciting you understand but he said he do you understand [ __ ] punching it up Razzle Dazzle me baby I don't need to hear the [ __ ] truth I want to have funds cooking show on YouTube no Will Smith man and then Tony said shut up [ __ ] slapped him I saw Edward Norton the other day eating breakfast oh yeah and he walked by me and I could not control myself and I just went oh Edward Norton oh oh like a dolphin like a [ __ ] liangos were you a seal yeah you just turned into a dolphin man that was a good impression just relax you [ __ ] made your Motion Picture coming out [ __ ] learn how to pretend like you've been here and I go and then I was like well she did not say it she goes she was like she was like just calm down and I was like Edward Norton like it's Edward Norton yeah it's pretty awesome like I do that I'm a little pissed and not everyone's dropped their [ __ ] while looking at you on Instagram greatest skateboarder in the world no but everyone to tell you one time I was at what's the place where that famous guy died in front of the nightclub back in The Viper Room yeah I was at the Viber room with my with my girlfriend my girlfriend's a Penthouse Pet so she was really pretty and where it was a square so you don't get there's no line you're just around this square and they pick people to come in and I'm standing there going we're never going to get in and then I look over and Russell Crowe is standing over there and this is from he's only from in the movie Romper stomper he hasn't done Gladiator or anything yet so I know who he is and I go holy [ __ ] that's hando like that's his name in the movie I don't even know his name's Russell Crowe and my girlfriend goes holy [ __ ] it is and then he looks at me and I'm like oh he's looking at me and I look away because I'm nervous and then I turn back and he's walking up to me he's like how's it going mate I'm like holy [ __ ] I'm good how are you how did you he's like on the Australians look at me like that mate so you know I mean like you obviously saw the movie and I'm like yeah and and I and he goes you want to get then I'll get you in and I'm like yes I do Russell Crowe thank you I know yes I do handle yeah I think it was probably called him hand uh hope I didn't call him hando but it turns out he wanted to let us in because he wanted to bone my girlfriend a good party with Russell Crowe I would be a guy I'd [ __ ] I'd stop everything I do you guys should do a movie together that works pitch it to me pitch it to me just raw dog it and give me a soft pitch I'll punch it up you're a king in a castle [ __ ] love it and Russell crows my fat brother who who no one likes you no one likes yes any and he's having an affair with your wife yeah and I'm cool with it because I get to run the kingdom and what I really love is power but I don't know how to run a kingdom so he's got to be like the guy who tells me how to do everything and backstage he's really pulling all the puppet strings yeah and they're using you to get what he wants what if we could play twins you could right now right now you could be brothers at least twins three uh I need more olive oil red dragon [Music] something Leanne's gonna be pissed this dog can't hear anymore oh Leanne's not gonna be happy I saw that coming is there are the pieces big enough to glue back together you could do that oh and I'm bleeding well this meal just got dicey the time to don't worry no blood got anywhere hey can I get a Band-Aid guys this is Jane hi how you doing hi we're just gonna chop some garlic up and throw it in that pan and oh wow thank you so much have you seen bread face no red face blog red faces there's this lady that she mushes her face on cakes and stuff and she's really cute but it's like a thing she has a following it's a business right yeah yeah I think it's more like a fetish but fetish uh yeah there is probably a guarantee there's a yeast fetish oh oh my God he's a comedian just stepped right I know you did looking good occupational hazard what man you look like cooking is hard I know I don't know like he went outside and chopped up some firewood that's good Jane that's good we can just swipe it in now you want to put it in for me here I'll do this what about a tennis band a tennis band yeah like LeBron yeah wouldn't be a bad idea yeah you could I kind of like doing the show with Jane when she loves her cooking and I just sit by the side it does seem cool um drink more too that's on it's on it's fine um this is going to go on the broad I'm gonna pour it over the brata I'm gonna make a buffalo sauce here so if we want to dip it in anything I'm going to try to clean up a little bit not too much right and then we should be ready to eat soon guys foreign love the smell of garlic does garlic make you poo a lot uh yeah it makes me fart like [ __ ] crazy I think it does it to everybody yeah all right cool a lot uh I I [ __ ] pretty aggressively you eat a lot of meat all right do you like are you like a plant-based do you like any vegetables did you mean frequency or I should oh yeah no I didn't want to know how much they weighed here I was gonna say to you guys I I [ __ ] like uh I [ __ ] like um like a bouncer kicking people out of a bar at 2am like I'm like let's go everyone right now okay all right is it painful no no my stools are pretty soft okay what about you telling the out of your stools let's go around the table fine pretty normal good yep I got no complaints all right do you uh do you sh do you sh how long does it take before you [ __ ] in front of the chick you're dating I never have and I never will the only time this ever happened this is a the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me in my relationship this is pretty good I don't I don't poo in front of her I do I fart yes like because sometimes I find my sleep and the cat's out of the bag yeah but I don't I don't poo in front of her I don't poo in this like if I poo in the bathroom I don't she's not allowed to go in that bathroom until I know it's good oh vice versa so then I get into gay stuff and I'm like I want to get butt [ __ ] and I'm like how do you do that man you really got my attention that's how you start a book got your back I got in the gay stuff and I wanted to get butt [ __ ] and I'm like I'm here for this so I asked her I had to do it because I know that she's been butt [ __ ] before because I did it and she goes we've got to wash out so there's like a thing that you can get a squirty water bottle or you can get like a hose a metal hose that comes off the shower it's got like a little metal penis on the end of it and you put that up your butt turn the tap on and Bob's your uncle yeah so I go in the spare bathroom hook this thing up she gets she sits on the ground on the tile in front of me and I'm in the shower and she goes now put it up there and I'm like oh it feels weird because I'm still not used to putting things upstairs before I was like super gay so put it up there she goes now turn the shower on you're going to feel yourself filling up and I turn it on I'm like whoa I feel myself fill it up and right as I say that a full adult turn shoots it out of my ass and lawn darts into the foot into the into the ground and the grandmas like that fiberglass I was a little bit Hollow so it was like and it stayed up like like a like a like an airplane that slowly crashed into the ground and then and I'm like I look back and saw it I looked at her and I'm like there's no I can't kick it yeah there's no you can't stand on it yeah but they are so yeah that's [ __ ] wait she knows I [ __ ] oh she found out you shipped that day right there yeah this is the conversation wait how can I just be here I'm curious like that what what happens to you well how old were you when you first got [ __ ] in the ass okay before you start check that I mean if I had it done for every time I was asked that question I think probably um oh wow 49 50 50. okay so what is pretty reason what's the thing that leads you to go I want to try it because I was about [ __ ] somebody and they look like they were having more fun than me I would I would always assume that I would be having the most fun because like he's having more fun and is it is it true yeah really yeah because you can have multiple sorry Tony you can have multiple I've already heard it yeah you can have multiple orgasms from uh anal and like a woman so instead of one you can have a lot in one shot yeah so that's better like I like it here pondering it but I'm trying to think you think of the things I like more than once did you get a girl you get your wife to do it and then you're not gay relax hey Liam will you [ __ ] me in the ass okay uh I guess that's off the table you know they've got one that sticks on the wall you can [ __ ] yourself oh yeah and then she walks in I'm like what I'm stretching my legs you don't just stick it on and then keep the door open I always stuck to them apparently considering the bathroom etiquette the doors are locked you gotta lock the door if you're gonna butt [ __ ] yourself everybody knows that that seems like it seems logical it's logical it's very logical you know certain surprises some people don't need if man I never been walked in on jerking off you've never been nope never I'm clean I got a clean record and I'm taking some chances yeah I've taken some logic do you think maybe sometimes you got busted and you didn't know I would love that list on my deathbed the list of just heads up these are all the times because you know when you usually see something you know you're saying go oh you're totally jerking it like you go oh God and you leave right all right guys these look [ __ ] awesome oh they go way better we got way better with time didn't they that's legit all right we got a spatula here I got okay maybe that could have used a little more I noticed she didn't want to continue the wakeboard conversation which tells me that you would like to leave that and that is I'm ready I'm ready for a wakeboard competition let's go I'm ready for it let's see what this guy does oh you know oh this looks like we had searched at an airport if you opened a sausage rolls store in Australia you would do so well with those should I anomaly that's your anomaly all right should I cut it for us yeah okay I need a different knife I'm getting nervous why because I need like uh you didn't feel good about it wow that's a cool knife be very delicate I want it to be perfect should I go smaller yeah or men not all of us wait I feel like I'm a boy oh okay I thought you were calling me nope I could be the meanest thing in the world well man maybe not you Jason do you want the uncircumcised part it would make sense all right yep Tony it's me I'll give you the juicy Center thank you here's our burrata and our dip now you can oh this is mine it's gonna be the dip for the burrata or for the uh the debrada is what I would do with the brata personally is I would break it and scoops on them and put it on like break it oh look at that and then so good it's seriously it's burrata you guys are way too into the company just wait you'll love it yeah you don't like the Happy Cow Cheese like I love that stuff wait is this like this is like Happy Cow Chase no it's it's similar consistency but I think this but it's like kind of it's got a hard shell okay you put a lot of cheese on it I love cheese here raw is [ __ ] awesome wow you're doing it too Morada is [ __ ] funny okay I'm gonna try it only on that so that yeah variety I want to try a bagel bite so bad and see how I did whoa they're hot yeah but they're good because they're hoping they're [ __ ] good that's fresh dough I love that it's fresh dough there Jason that's gonna be really [ __ ] hot [Laughter] we're fine all right so my question is what this is dip for this is just a buffalo dip I whipped up to see if it would work good on the pizza a little hot sauce on the pizza might cool it now oh [ __ ] it's really good though yeah these Bagel Bites are so easy to make yeah usually you just take them out of the package and put them in the oven [Laughter] those are the easiest ones my daughter went through a kick or it was that was it really Choice yeah nickel bites for lunch oh when I wasn't getting paid I would argue that the pizza rolls better you mean if you have a fork I'm eating with a fork wait which is better which one with the Bravo that's really good it's like oh yeah sorry I was trying it next time this is so [ __ ] hot you're handling it well though oh yeah with the cheese oh my god oh this is so [ __ ] good yeah you think you could be a chef judge yeah you're good huh yeah I definitely could because your comments would be funny too would you be mean if they were bad cooks oh no I couldn't do it good job no I couldn't I like people trying kids wait you have to tell the kitty cat cook yeah it sucks wait you told a kitty was it like you had to vote someone off oh shut the [ __ ] up you say it in a nice way or would be like well I got lucky in that there was there was kind of one obvious loser in each round so you had you had to give the excuse of why they're getting let go and like one kid just didn't finish the dish right it was like well you know you look like you're on your way but you didn't really actually you didn't make it so you're out you're out yeah but what about they made it and it tastes like [ __ ] and you're out it's just that someone else's tastes better so yeah you know you don't point out that they're the worst jobs yeah oh look at this look at this place look at this point it was it sucks man have you seen the dude on Twitter that eats in the shower no yeah I don't get it that's the thing I know people drink beer in the show do you do that you do this guy's made made a whole a whole thing with he makes different dishes and it's like how how and he rates it of how it was in the shower really yeah I was thinking about trying a couple of new shows and a couple of different ideas I think we have to do Hawk first Hawk versus wolf versus machine I can finally run again so yeah yeah his leg works now yeah I finally have a leg that I can stand on the broad is [ __ ] good isn't it yeah almost just you couldn't it could have been really simple and you just could have made the bread and had the burrata yeah the burrata on that this could be the new this could be the new bag of attack is get Bagel Bites and then also get high in burrata yeah that way you don't have to go through all that I don't know man I feel like his bag goodbye is like a whole another level yeah I I agree but I'm just saying you could really I can't believe I like this snot elevate your Bagel Bites experience with burrata there you go I like the way you're thinking this should look so nasty oh my God I like the broad is so fresh it feels like it's you drink it with a glass of water hey someone got me a liquid now it is really good I'm not hating it at all it's good there's no like weird cheesy smell at all I'm soaking [ __ ] wet right now it does look like you're [ __ ] pouring with sweat how did I get so [ __ ] hot in here are you still are you still cold plunging yeah I didn't do it today what breath work do you do because I made up a new one where I shake my head back and forth like while I'm breathing intensely and then like I get like dizzy and I almost pass out and I can't feel the cold really yeah but I gotta hold on to the sides because I feel like I could bong my head on the side and drown myself yeah so I hold on to the sides pretty tight no I do box breathing who's that four breaths in you'll count to four no you go for four hold it for four yeah exhale for four yeah hold it for four yeah inhale for four and so what for me what it does is it it makes the time I'm in there I can do it in bite sizes so as I do one box breath in four hold for four out four hold four I go that's 15 seconds it's not really oh it's like being sober one day at a time yeah I don't know what that's like but yeah I mean either yeah and so and then I do it all the way around for one minute and then and then by the way I'm going I go breathe slower than real so I know that when it gets to a minute I'm actually past a minute and then I'll do it like two more and then I'll look at my watch I watch two minutes I can easily do another minute and I stay in for three minutes wow you play mind games with yourself hard that's all I do that's all I do you do I wake up my brain goes oh way to go you got after it last night fat boy then [ __ ] punish yourself there's like a voice that keeps saying stuff yeah but you had the same as me because I have a voice that's like you're the biggest piece of [ __ ] ever yeah then I have a voice goes you might be the greatest athlete of our time I think our brains are pretty similar right like is it the comedy thing lately like I first time ever I sold out a show the other day and when I walked to the hotel from the venue yeah I was like you you might be the future of comedy and then I heard that I said that to myself a couple times I said I said the opposite a lot more but a couple times I was like yeah but I'm saying that I even of course I said the other one a lot more but I can't believe I even said that one time even to my own brain like I was like why would you say that you egotistical idiot it's one show because because it's okay to talk good to yourself right you're right no because I'm because I'm done with that voice the one that says you suck is incorrect uh no it's not correct you're here you're killing it yeah you guys have a fantastic podcast it is great you're I I'm gonna say this earnestly I think the things you've decided to share about your life are so [ __ ] Brave that no one we share and so cool because my daughter's generation kids can hear someone they look up to say that it's a really big deal well you know what's even bigger deal is when people like you and Tony are ride with me and don't go whoa and support me in it it means it makes it so much easier to admit what I am yeah and to feel okay with it you know is you should be okay with it you're a [ __ ] gangster dude what time there I would have taken a pill if you could make it go away really yeah for sure for sure it was a couple years ago I was like if you could give me a pill and it would just be like no I'm totally straight like we're with the titties praying to get away if only that worked I would have tried that too but yeah now I'm like you know what it's actually pretty cool because you know I can do all these cool things that a lot of people don't even know about right you definitely blossomed since then uh I love you guys thank you for doing this thanks for the food it was delicious of course anytime anytime thanks for opening the good stuff oh yeah cheers oh I guess on mine's gone here you go I'll drink down the rest gentlemen thank you for doing this thank you for having us [ __ ] yeah great episode guys thank you [Music] [Music] this episode was brought to you by the machine

Channel: Bert Kreischer

Views: 465,924

Keywords: Bert Kreischer, BertKreischer, Bert Stand Up, The Machine, Bertcast, Podcast, comedy podcast, stand up comedy, bert kreischer netflix, bert kreischer stand up, comedy, bert cryshure, 2 bears 1 cave, bert Krisher, bert Kriesher, bert Crisher, bert Kriecher, bert Kriasher, im the machine, comedian, standup comedy, bert Krishur, bert Crishur, bert, burt, Fully Loaded, tops off, somethings burning, at sea, tony hawk, jason ellis, pizza roll, wolf mate, whiskey, dough, Hawk vs Wolf

Id: HTsc2g8SB9I

Length: 59min 35sec (3575 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 08 2023