Something's Burning 101: Taco Tuesday with Theo Von and Andrew Santino

oh I just leaned right over a [ __ ] flame yeah look bad I think my eyelashes are gone oh [ __ ] your eyebrow is gone it's partially gone yeah it is no you just have thin ass eyebrows yeah yeah [Laughter] [Music] hey guys it's another episode of Something's burning bye [ __ ] oh this is gonna be a [ __ ] good one this I can already tell I got high right before this started yeah I know a little bit not a lot just a little bit it's fine man you're just gonna be cooking yeah you might know him as theobon that works yeah obviously dude yeah you actually you do know him yeah anybody know this next guy there we go that's Andrew congratulations guys you guys thank you you guys are blowing the [ __ ] up right now both of you thanks man appreciate it yeah obviously yeah do you feel it no no a little bit at all from when you go back to the very beginning of Comedy when you're just trying to get on stage do you feel like the uphill is not quite as uphill right now or do you feel like it got steeper steeper steeper way yeah for me way more yeah because the stuff that comes out of my mouth Theo can rely on his fantasy talk I and people judge me that it's real well I just bought Dez Bryant for and I'm not in you know see I would only buy somebody online um he could say I bought a black guy and with that fun southern accent no one on the internet's gonna say anything didn't know Dez Bryant was black another hilarious thought I don't have yeah no I have a lot of uh I have this racial filter on my computer where you can't tell what race anyone is anymore oh for real yeah oh cool so it's pretty cool how does that work for porn oh I'm off porn right now I'm six days clean but I'm guessing it's fine you know but you can't have any everything kind of blurs when it comes to writing somebody the same color well so you can't see you don't see color with us now because you're so used to not in real life I can you can yeah we'll color him with you guys huh what color am I you're kind of a little bit of like a peachy fun peachy thank you baby no but it's kind of more of like a you know kind of like a Rodin kind of like a kind of a rubenesque Forest kind of oh boy yeah yeah Roman that's what I mean yeah yeah yeah I have yeah two two different black girls they're watching right now I'm sure have you ever had it's actually the black girl yes I have and lived in Ventura off of Ventura Boulevard really yeah and she had a bunch of like chain mail and stuff in her room which was chainmail yeah and she had you ever been to the bus station where they have those they don't have mirrors but they have like metal that's like reflective I don't try I've never ridden the bus you know what you're talking about I don't know thank you Bert she had that up on the ceiling so it wasn't like a mirror it just seemed like you were just really aware she had a bus stop on her it was crazy man and this was Halloween I think it was Halloween I don't remember but it was uh dude very crazy man I remember it was crazy people had chainmail she had one of those Jamie are you saying the right word um I think so let me Chain man when you go swimming with sharks where they put you in so they can't bite you yeah no that's something where somebody's gonna kill you if you're wearing chainmail in the water you're gonna what are you thinking of chainmail somebody that fought in like the 1800s and they wore the bigger yeah she had chainmail she had chain mail in the room I don't know one of the most interesting chicks I've ever heard of in my life dude and that's the new thing now you know it's coming back yeah so I'm I'm making this dish because Theo is part native American today how much I'm 1 8 for my father got into it yep everyone in Louisiana is pretty much really I think that's how Louisiana is just like a huge melting it was melting a pot before in New York even thought about being a Melting Pot yeah they're The Originals did you ever get in trouble speaking French growing up I mean I've never trusted most of the French to be honest with you I don't mind I mean name seven cool French uh Louis Vuitton yeah right Gucci are those guys all French Darren Gucci Gucci Mane oh yeah when you get high and talk with Theo it's almost like you're playing Mad Libs yeah this is a Mad Lib I'm gonna sit and just watch you guys talk today we're making Native American fry bed tacos and desert bra dude I'm not kidding look I'm I've been involved in a lot of racist [ __ ] man I used to look weights with David Duke I'm not doing any of this [ __ ] what are we making fried bad tacos dude fry bread tacos fried bread fried fry bread so basically what you're doing is it's like tortillas kinda but more bready all right I need to make the fry bread dough internet right now yeah this is great yeah this is cool so we just watch you doing this no no you guys can help what I need you guys to do no I need you guys to unload all of this Crisco into there oh hell yeah dude easy all this you'll help with some of this huh is this fat free yeah wait all the and all the Crisco over there too what is this guy this dude Albert Einstein bro you're out of your mind man why because you saw pie all right oh this is this supposed to be hot yeah two cups we left it under the light okay I've never made dough before all I have man oh then maybe you should take it give me a scooper to get all this out uh uh yeah just get 12. [ __ ] no no that was uh maybe I don't have six you get a zoom in on this God damn it I got distracted that's what it looks like when I don't worry about it I think I got it I got more of it I broke the can we could be one tablespoon baking powder one table bro there's no way that this recipe calls for this much Crisco yeah and no [ __ ] chance on Earth would you need this much Crisco you're making it for a lot of people though look how many people are in none of these people are eating this this is for us we need this much Crisco Rachel this is absurd for real look at the look at the nutrition facts on the back of this 113 servings in this this you want to hold this if you believe all that [ __ ] yeah I guess that's yeah that's true you gotta Focus because if I [ __ ] this we don't eat it all I don't know and I think you're gonna be pretty precise when you make bread are these both the tablespoons oh tablespoons one this year's show dude you're like a drunk driver but in a kitchen yeah it's the craziest thing I've ever seen bro did you sell this show where you can't nice bro like who decided you were the guy to cook it ice cream we could [ __ ] this whole thing off and ready whip guys I need to [ __ ] Focus all right Focus okay slowly mix in one and a half cups of warm water warm what is that for where did you find that just take a couple hits bro dude do you remember doing don't [ __ ] knock on us we have that's good man holy [ __ ] I want to do the first date with a girl in college and I go what do you want to do she goes go to the grocery store and do whippets and we just went to his grocery store and that was your first date I love this I would have married that woman yeah there's been like four dates in his life meet me at the grocery store everyone had sex with six people Six Women girls girls don't know you've had sex with six women yup total that's it I don't think I'm doing this right I think you do it with your hands way to [ __ ] up bro yeah all right so we put all this will you do me a favor yeah you get me I need you to slowly okay I need one more cup so that's a half a cup and I'm gonna do this with my hands I think yeah and then just bring it over here and dump it yeah just slowly there we go yeah yeah oh yeah her this does not smell right oh that that smells weird it smells like bad [ __ ] oh yeah coming from guys only smelled six possible [ __ ] yeah how do you know come on guys okay make it a dough okay make it a dough what else do you want us to do now that we're now that we're okay can you cut an onion for me hell yeah oh yeah yeah yeah use that talking block and then Theo put that on the stove right here and let's get that hot you got it where's a knife look at this this is a big ass knife how do you want this cut uh chopped up uh French style Theo doesn't like the French man I don't know the best part about this is we can make a mess and and I don't we don't have to clean it up we're gonna fry these right in the oil yup awesome I knew this was gonna happen to my eyes cut with my eyes closed the rest of the time this is looking good right dude I'm straight crying on camera with this [ __ ] I'm gonna sucker Iris God can't handle a [ __ ] little strong veggie you know come over here and you do it dude most y'all's family members had to eat these it was potatoes you racist [ __ ] that [ __ ] dough looks like this is nice so now we're we're [ __ ] we're moving fast guys this is going good we gotta let the dough rest for 20 minutes is that on Theo yeah it's on this guy's being this would be the shittiest [ __ ] kid how are you when you lost your virginity 17. no I I was talking to Outdoors too outdoors I lost my virginity in Marco Island Florida Captain Brian's so someone who was uh of a under 70 years old oh no no no no no I have the picture you and your boys are going down for spring break am I right done correct you're in it hold on let him finish I was checks not Stripes but you're but that's okay it was sunburned I was sunburned 100 he was a local no she was from she brought it yeah okay yeah I traded a bottle of Captain Morgan for a hotel room and the condom broke oh wow pretty cool yeah were you good your first time was I good yeah I lasted a pretty good amount of time I lasted a while until the condom broke and then it was just like see you this is all coming out what do you mean see ya it was over I had to walk away were you sad about it yeah I was real bummed oh man I broke a condom yeah I was real bummed I broke a condom I got depressed she got mad because I took a long shower I was contemplating life I was like What if I have a child now dude that was when I lost my virginity my [ __ ] lasting thought was I might need more than for a kid no [ __ ] no 17 years old it kind of broke I was like that's it this is it okay that's it I've AIDS and a kid I have AIDS and a kid yeah great that's what they should say to the 17 year olds that are thinking about you're gonna get AIDS and a kid yeah are you ready for AIDS then have sex go ahead and have sex without a condom now at 46 I'd be like I'll roll the dice on AIDS right you're like I'm out of here soon that's like a healthier lifestyle I'd have to keep myself clean dude I've cut these onions up so [ __ ] well okay give us another Direction my ancestors some onions I gotta let that melt wow this is a lot bro this does [ __ ] up your eyes it does my bad I'm sorry no it's okay I I knew what it was going to do it's not like I've never seen an onion before I'm [ __ ] really proud of this dough I did not see this coming out the way it was and then we're gonna use bison today oh [ __ ] that's dope what year was your dad born in 1910 10. Jesus what were you do you think your great grandmother was born dude my grandfather was born in 1880 my grandpa wow from New Orleans my father grew up in Nicaragua his mom was from Nicaragua I can never tell what's real or not real with you I swear to God I'm a polished deals from Cleveland polish Nicaraguan yeah dude my family was in the mahogany game over here in Nicaragua oh [ __ ] me so they had a maid cleaning company but it said m-a-d-e is that racist yeah I mean it doesn't register with me yeah I didn't notice it you asked but didn't notice it doesn't bothering anyone else are you making another cocktail yeah yeah where's the Bison I'm guessing it's in the fridge what is this is this all the Crisco yeah that's all the Crisco and then what we're going to do is we're going to uh take these and make a little flop like a little I don't read it really yet [Laughter] yeah we're gonna do a little tortillas yeah tortillas you would be a good politician Bert I would be you would just amazing politician let me see this let me see I would be an amazing can you show you this [ __ ] thing look at this hold on look at this oh wow I think who gave you this a friend a marine a marine a marine paralyzed and now he's walking again he was paralyzed in a freak accident that's how dope Marines are they could get paralyzed then walk again dude that's how [ __ ] legit those [ __ ] I saw him walking the other day and put it on Instagram and he was like his knife is so Walker and he was like what three miles today can we open the Bison with it yeah yeah hold on from a shop is this bison yeah oh cool let me see the buddy of mine just mail me a [ __ ] out of here dude what what what [ __ ] turnover get the [ __ ] over all right should we open it traditionally yeah there it is perfect put it under a lamp and they can open itself talk talk talk oh this looks really beautiful dude [ __ ] yeah this show would be Doper if Rachel just cooked it for us and we just chatted I know well I think people really tune in to watch my cooking yeah yeah that's what they want to see oh wow bison is right it's a little Insurance here or something put the chilies in all right this is the oil's heat but it is oh yeah oh we should turn it down a little bit then thanks dude no worries man I used to work in a Mexican restaurant which one this one is called uh okay Grande Grande big big it was the first one and there was a second one in our town the first one got not excommunicated what is it when you get called when they shut it down and shut down shut down because other people took it over I worked in a Mexican restaurant did you really yeah you're a lion no I'm finished I'm being serious let me stir that I don't like talking to you guys dude because every time I try to talk you guys try to be mean you know I haven't really washed that Knife yet so well it's cooking right now I know but I think that was in Afghanistan with him that's tight do this most from that evil sauce smells really good man and what are we gonna do in there we're gonna fry the bread in there we're gonna fry the bread when was the first time you got drunk I was 15. yeah really we were we were garage hopping you know what that is no that's when you in the midwest you go around people see if People's garages are open people come home in the midwest they trust me but they leave their garage open they put a car in so you go into a garage and they all people have fridges in the midwest in their garage yeah and you steal everything they have you don't steal valuable items you steal alcohol that's it and types of wedding cakes hell yeah yeah you got to seal a wedding cake in case you get hungry it's a really really really funny all right I'm gonna switch this over to back here and then we're gonna do these uh flatbread [ __ ] I'm excited about this I know I'm hungry okay this looks great it should be pretty good don't why are you touching it were you ever in the military bird nope you think he would have [ __ ] lasted in the military I could have lasted a [ __ ] second oh I just leaned right over a [ __ ] [ __ ] man look bad yeah I wouldn't last you just asked him like a [ __ ] military hey what level did you make it uh burn your arm level foreign God damn it I think I burned my all my eyes let me see lift up your arm if you burn your arm I think it was I went I leaned over enough so I think my eyelashes are gone oh [ __ ] your eyebrow is gone is partially gone yeah it is no you just have thin ass eyebrows yeah yeah I really thought they were gone I thought they were gone all right here we go we got this heated rolled dough into half quarter inch thick sickles yeah yeah Theo knows how to sickle disk I'll be your sicko this I'll be your sick I'll be your sick up let me get in here man I wish we could just throw this stuff and shatter it when you're done you want me to put some flour down for you nope there you go look at that I used to work at BJ's Pizza Do not drop this we have no meal if you drop this okay okay I wouldn't drop it okay okay it just looked like you dropped it I was in the air force over here calm down bro I used to work at BJ's Pizza dude off Highway 22 dude okay and it's not happening the way yeah there we go look at that that's exactly what else you open it perfect yeah that's how you started a little flour in here it's because it's getting a little sticky right put it all around here a little flower in there and then we'll do this these little balls like this is that what we're supposed to do Rachel balls little tiny balls oh yeah yep and then Pat it down and get yourself a little dough like this and then you ready you ready yeah and then just throw that hitter in there boy gang gang son oh [ __ ] yeah oh [ __ ] very racist how do we get it out though how do we get it out though just with your hands Bert no no no why can't you put your hand in there oh [ __ ] take a look at this take a look at this dude this is looking great that's a little small [ __ ] little [ __ ] like that you [ __ ] [ __ ] huh here let's go I think we're making them choose them all these are really tiny tacos we need more Pat we need more um flour yeah throw some [ __ ] down there there we go yeah hell yeah oh yeah yeah Theo yours are yours look like like [ __ ] coins yeah cool Merry guys we're talking to a guy who still has [ __ ] chance in his life oh look at this this one's gonna be the one oh that's a hitter right there boy oh [ __ ] oh somebody's [ __ ] on the fairgrounds son look at this oh there you go oh look at this look at this tell me you don't oh that one's golden brown so take that [ __ ] out flip it wait oh no no The Other Side gold Brown yeah yeah good job good job I got mine that's kind of fresh that looks really [ __ ] good what were you like when you were a child Bert uh curious really I was actually a goofy child like really [ __ ] goofy guy did you bother your parents a lot yeah my dad to this day does not really understand me entirely how many brothers and sisters do you have two sisters both live in L.A oh that's right yeah does one of them look just like you or not I won't say yeah my youngest a thing called Burton a skirt is she married does she take her shirt off when she says help people she's uh she works at Fox oh she does yeah this one's a good one Andrew Theo yours are a tad bit small are you on a diet it's cheat day that one's legit this one's legit oh yeah that's cool man I think this one's good put some more get some more flour throw some more flour over here because I'm about to make the ultimate this one's legit this one yeah that one's [ __ ] this one I did this one I didn't [ __ ] up thank you player dude imagine if you had to go home everything cook by yourself where are the beans where are the beans this is so sad Bert are you peeping any of these are these are [ __ ] fire sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry [ __ ] are you a [ __ ] kind of a thicker guy and you burn all the food the concern kind of you're like I feel like you have more of a concern yeah bro how long is that bison supposed to cook it's been cooking for like six I'm just keeping it warm I'm keeping it warm bro things are calf man you got to shut it down no no no are you trying to burn off the Afghanistan from that knife yeah no got to be more golden this one this is hard as a [ __ ] rock is it really it's gone do we make scones that one has a fortune in it oh [ __ ] A backsplash boy and a little Shamu I dropped in there have you guys seen black fish I don't talk about that or not you mean black is it called Blackfish we're supposed to what is the what's supposed to put a Taco on top of it where did that even go spread these out you're making [ __ ] coins it evaporates nope give it to Andrew Andrew's doing it better that dude I've done enough anyway here we go all right we just need we need two good we need if you're gonna give me two kind of good ones I could take some from there no no no no no no that one's gonna be yeah don't worry what are you doing tasting a piece why don't you wait until the end you don't make 40. you do not know what it's like okay you can have seven kids and never talk to the first one no obviously because the first one you had right away yeah how is it they're good not telling you no I got that secret in my mouth boy oh look at that even shaped like a [ __ ] Taco God look at you dude very good guys oh yeah very [ __ ] good wow wow wow are you getting it for a whole list going yep Frijoles are all in their way I could use a beer I feel like a [ __ ] Chef so then what we'll do is then we'll take it we'll take our plates with each plate ourselves one yeah and concoct it do a little pretty show for the thing a little bit of hot sauce everybody gets some right yeah this is gonna be nice I've seen people oh my God this one's that was the that's what we were supposed to do the whole [ __ ] time no it took us one two three four five six seven nine 10 11 12 13 14 of them not bad not bad for guys that never cooked in their [ __ ] life this looks so fun I've never done the [ __ ] said lonely comedians have ever [ __ ] done anything he's right though bro a well-lit kitchen with [ __ ] different things in jars yeah who just got his vision back and is describing things full fridge jars tomatoes that one's [ __ ] mine 100. beautiful this will be our Beauty get a shot at this one this is real good this is [ __ ] beautiful I think it's done I'm gonna give you a little I always take mine and put mine oh that's not bad at all that's good just a little soft you ready hold on hold on yeah yeah you're ready you're ready you're ready you're ready wow okay let's take these over here and I'm like proud someone looks like they got from the mask have you seen that movie I love that [ __ ] movie we're gonna talk about the silver dollar one which one do you want here you go you gotta get all that I want that that's me I got that door right there okay okay I want that little French hippie right there so then we're gonna let mine dry out is we can create a little base with this base of what a little base of Frijoles player well for Holy space okay here then this is you can do it I got it here I'll get them for you what do you want I just gotta wait till this dries out we gotta let it dry what oh turn the fire off good call damn it's so good to have you around turn that fire off can you believe that somebody's that's the name of our show turn that fire off that's the name of the [ __ ] cooking show what is this though what's the hottest I don't know let's let's try some of the hottest [ __ ] it's gonna be oh let me see what's the winter Scoville on there here's habanero well Tapatio is not that hot that's jalapeno let's go habanero yeah salsa this smells I want the hottest one me too yeah you want to get beauties of ours oh where's cheese I [ __ ] love cheese I love cheese yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm sorry are you putting hot sauce on mine for me yep oh thank you a friend in need is a friend indeed there you go that's enough hell yeah that's perfect it looks pretty good huh this cooking show I mean come on bro okay I'm gonna take this and then do a little bit of a little bit of dude anybody can do a cooking show that's what that's this is proof of anything else that's what Food Network said dude peoples have to fight at the end of it wouldn't that be cool at the end I would love that [ __ ] your dish was good but now you have to fight Marcus you ready do you see that look how beautiful that is should we try it guys yes oh mine's folding up pretty [ __ ] nice cheers oh look at yours wow that's so good well that's a hot sauce oh my God that's [ __ ] hot wow dude sometimes when something's hotter it's really good um I do like a I gotta tell you the Habaneros it's not [ __ ] around no [ __ ] you gotta put a lot of money yeah I'll put a lot of mine oh God holy [ __ ] are you a strong counter everywhere [Laughter] foreign yeah these unhealthy Rachel how unhealthy I'm really unhealthy a lot really oh this drought bus into this real real lean oh [ __ ] that is hot sauce without enough time for you yours are the best size those are a lot easier yeah no because then I just have one of these and I'm done I know but it would have been nice to like have samples yeah well I'm not a greedy strange person we mean samples they're all this it's all the same [ __ ] I know but like oh samples of the bread I'm like just like just going in and going I think I did it right right watch this I'm going in I'm opening it up I'm putting cheese in here right look at this so let's go put cheese in his wife bro if she slept heavy as you can see the bird is loading up his pupusa with more meat and more cheese look at that oh delicious it doesn't look like it okay put a hit of that honey on it honey uh habanero dude you're sweating out of your eyes right yeah your eyeballs are sweating right now I think I burnt oh [ __ ] hey have you have you had a big dinner on here that you haven't sweated on uh oh no I've swaddling everything I sweat when I eat and when I not when you make like a PB and J no no no but I think I get in like a like a panic eating mode yeah I wish like you got to get it in before they take it away like you're eating like this yeah like there's a fire or something this is amazing right here what did I say eat like no one's watching it's I think it's dance [Music] I'll say it big UPS to the Native Americans dude hardcore they knew what the [ __ ] they were doing we wouldn't be here for one for you guys literally so thank you very much I'll try about all the bad [ __ ] I should clear it out sorry for all the bad [ __ ] you know what we can do this is so good cut some up first you're gonna shoot your pants no no my mouth's all [ __ ] fire is it really yeah that habanero is [ __ ] insane how loud can you fart dude knock my voice loud not enough to wake my wife that's awesome you guys don't sleep in a certain bad deal yeah no sometimes most of the time she gets out of bed and goes sleep and on the couch was I snore your wife's awesome though yeah she puts up with your [ __ ] well you have no idea I mean I got a pretty good idea do you think you know how women love that show Snapped and [ __ ] do you think your wife might kill you or snapped yeah he's gonna [ __ ] kill you if you don't know what that is you're done oh my God I'm [ __ ] sweating my ass off right now this is cool let's take some of those and put powdered sugar on them and honey well this might just rubbed my hair with this hand should we fry them up again I think they're fried yeah they look pretty fried to me Brooks legit the guy that invented refried they're like they're fried he's like fry my guy yeah okay oh my God [ __ ] me now habanero got you is it really that hard huh it's [ __ ] yeah I'm gonna be [ __ ] in the middle of the night okay not not hot I'm never getting married dude bird is not the [ __ ] Pinnacle of what it's like yeah there's gonna be [ __ ] in the middle of the night and he's having a sugar treat right where's that honey at but that's on her not you put some habanero on one of those all right you ready do people think you can eat hot stuff because you have red hair or not yeah it kind of comes with the territory people think you can eat hot stuff because you have red hair hot temper yeah spicy temper oh it's a very it's an extremely valid question for Redhead look at that you look like you work in an Italian restaurant I love all those [ __ ] powder on you this powder flour hey wait redheads have hot tempers get the [ __ ] out of here yeah oh yeah what am I talking about Bill Burr yeah and having some more bison the bison's Fantastic bison is good huh where is it from do they have it which in the picture can you see where it's at in the background it's got to be Colorado oh it's a Vietnamese beer tiger lager I love that [ __ ] you know Tigers kill people in Vietnam all the time yeah on a daily basis how crazy is that I mean you run the day my wife was in uh Vietnam you run the dot you rolled up my wife lived in Vietnam what was she doing over there I'm sending over there to learn how to be a real wife holy [ __ ] and so I'm gonna try this there we go oh wow thank God this cut it for you huh pretty good everything is sugar and honey dude I feel like I'm at the house I'm doing dishes and [ __ ] what did I like I literally just washed this out for no reason you think food will ever come in like just full-size suppositories bro give or take this in the back would you put that up your ass I would would you during the holidays probably I've tried it with the salad what holiday though cucumber it didn't work what are we talking President's Day no no no something between November and the end of December well there's only two that's just Thanksgiving and yeah so anywhere in there probably and I have to be at home well that sounds good right that's so [ __ ] good I know is this a dessert yeah it is now what's a cloud it's called uh desert fry bread no that's right dessert fry bread wow that's really good dude here what do we do beer what are you guys even talking about oh [ __ ] oh yeah hit that there we go Bert get in there bird Chef Santino maybe a little something something wow bro your tongue looks all the way just go all the way at this point well you might want no you gotta share it out of your mouth damn do your tongue looks like [ __ ] Rampage Jackson it just [ __ ] comes right out into the food why'd you eat something go ahead and eat that let me see yeah do something holy yeah yeah it's like the pre-course yeah that's cool man let me see your tongue real quick do it again the full thing you ready yeah wow dude who needs a dick when you got that bad cat hanging out your face well I mean that's the Saving Grace for him well I don't get a lot of pleasure when I put my tongue in the face so I'd still take the dick really oh you could get electrocuted as a child with that [ __ ] bad boy on you first time I ever went down on a check I thought I just [ __ ] whip this bad [ __ ] out it doesn't work the way you think it would really yeah your tongue that looks legit yeah it's a big pretty big tongue but that's not people that grows on like a tongue inside them they like it you know work the rim top of the key [Laughter] [Laughter] none of us could be a [ __ ] Marina are you okay okay take us right out Let's do let's kick us out okay they would not get me out they would make you shave your [ __ ] head gone okay you're cool with that yeah okay okay yeah second of all save it what time do you wake up in the morning probably quarter to eight not early enough not early enough do you work out the moment you wake up no I don't then you're not a [ __ ] Marine those guys talk about every morning do you make your bed every day yes I do I don't believe it is there anything on your floor no there's a chair in the corner of my room that chair's gotta [ __ ] go you're not a marine but that chair [ __ ] gone how are you taking commands 50 50. not a marine [ __ ] me no no no a lot of Marines the new slogan is hey you do you do what we say 50 50. yeah that's the Marines probably give me 20 unless you don't feel like it then just ten and that's fine yeah yeah some for five none of us no [ __ ] way 60. [Music] in a row yeah no breaks yeah no breaks rip it the [ __ ] out then I'm not doing push-ups here about this kitchen money in it huh on it oh no Jesus bro putting money in it put money inside of it it's the bet here's the thing I've had a lot of sugar today I don't know if it's a good time for my muscles to engage and all of that here's a better question yeah more fat than sugar yeah how many more push-ups than me do you think you could do oh probably 55 55 more than me so if I could bang out 20 right now do you think you could do 75. do you think you can do 20 in a row I can do 20. can you do 30. I could probably get a 30 knowing that he's gonna do 80. how about this a hundred and twenty dollars okay one of you guys to do 50 push-ups you'll give you'll give me after I just say that 50 push-ups okay in a row yeah you can do 50 in a row yeah no you can't okay we're gonna do it on the table huh I can't I can't do it on the car the table I don't want to burn my [ __ ] eyeballs yeah let me real quick I'm gonna see how many I can do okay I feel like here we go hold on whoa whoa you can't see three four five six seven eight nine oh my God he almost threw his back out 50 bro okay I'll do them in a row yeah for 120 put the money on the table uh the money right now send it to burn all right I'll put down this credit card actually I might throw up from that throw up I'll give yourself a booster you puke I'll give you five extra bucks if I throw up you'll give me five extra bucks yep 125. we have to see the vomit though no just saliva okay something's burning guys you want me to do them right here something's burning and it's a ginger let's see the Heat Rachel come on show us that dirty little drink look at his butthole getting all sleep do one boy do them you little ginger oh wow oh my gosh wow this bird's erect I think oh all right Theo oh the deal's a deal wow bro you're strong feel good dude feel his chest let me see are you freaking oh [ __ ] I don't even know why you're wearing a shirt right now [ __ ] oh [ __ ] what after eating that like I might throw up yeah you look red oh I might pass out and throw why'd you feel it with two hands that's a bad idea what's you know it's the same thing it's your body one hand yeah two hands it's not like one of my tits is going to be bigger than this dude this has been [ __ ] awesome I got fed I said 50 push-ups on cam I think 120 bucks I'll never see that money also I'll send you the money okay he said he's gonna venmo too how do we end this we're always trying to figure a way to end this what's a good end I'm going to apologize for anything that I've said that could be misconstrued same okay Bert thanks so much for having us thank you bro I appreciate it guys with friends in a long time and this was actually such a good meal this is fantastic guys I've had a blast lean bison cheese Frijoles we should do this again fried dough yeah with a pound of Crisco that was I mean that's repulsive in the ground do you think it's still hot you can drink a little bit no there you guys farting can you hear that that's America dude that's just a part of the [ __ ] the perfect way to end this show me nice to hang up I don't want to say happy Veterans Day dude me too happy Veterans Day this isn't going to come out yeah but Veterans Day still exist you idiot okay sorry I feel it I feel it yeah happy Veterans Day guys happy Veterans Day thank you to all the veterans who gave us this knife uh Chris is the guy Chris gave us Scott gave us this knife so we could [ __ ] cook with it let me see Scott was it in Afghanistan it's schizophrenic dude and also thank you Bert for having me thank you thank you both thank you both of you guys uh remember subscribe to All Things comedy we got new episodes every other Monday next week we've got Adam Sandler and David Letterman we'll see you guys then all right holy [ __ ] yeah really well no one's gonna watch this yeah if that's next well they're not confirmed but yeah I haven't really reached out to him but yeah yeah I mean pretty much so who's on the next one after that oh that's uh George Clinton and George Bush damn that's tight yep and then we got uh Donald Trump and Kathy Griffin so it should be good uh we'll see you guys subscribe remember Bill Burr's new special I'm the reddest comic alive is coming out on Netflix that's awesome oh it's awkward for you no no it's it makes perfect sense yeah all right thank you guys we love you with all our heart foreign [Music] [Music] this episode was brought to you by the machine

Channel: Bert Kreischer

Views: 1,050,589

Keywords: Bert Kreischer, BertKreischer, Bert Stand Up, The Machine, Bertcast, Podcast, comedy podcast, stand up comedy, bert kreischer netflix, bert kreischer stand up, comedy, bert cryshure, 2 bears 1 cave, bert Krisher, bert Kriesher, bert Crisher, bert Kriecher, bert Kriasher, im the machine, comedian, standup comedy, bert Krishur, bert Crishur, bert, burt, Fully Loaded, tops off, somethings burning, at sea, theo von, andrew santino, tacos, season 1, something burning old, cheeto

Id: 4t7w5xXm6d0

Length: 42min 10sec (2530 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 15 2023