Something’s Burning S2 E03: Jim Jefferies & Forrest Shaw Make a Bloomin’ Onion with Lamb Lollipops

if you're good and you leave your stocking out Santa Claus will give you a gift if you're bad black people put you in a sack and take you to Spain that's what they tell the kids hey [Music] also the cooking gets in the way of this show in my opinion yeah yeah you'll see I I think we're making pasta no you have pasta ingredients no it's again it's like a no no no it's like a bat it's a what do you call it I mean I don't I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't want to take it there yet but I don't know I bet this is something I've been wanting to do for a very long time right my favorite thing in the [ __ ] world Vegemite I love Vegemite oh good because everything's got Vegemite in here it's fantastic what's your favorite thing in the world I oh my Vegemite so much it's a treat for me I don't get I won't do it all the time because I try to stay away from bread in the mornings but my favorite thing in the world first time in Australia I got an interest advantage of mine they come in the little little tubs yeah the travel tubs yeah and I would put someone taught me how to do it uh White toast butter Vegemite cheese and then no just butter Vegemite and I loved it so much that I I would anytime I ever see Vegemite I buy it I if I my favorite thing is when Americans come over and try some virgin bite yeah they always put too much on you it's a very thin it's it's a fine line you know what it is though it's the stuff at the bottom of beer barrels basically it's yeast extract it's the it's the gunk yeah but it's what what like it was because you guys had rickets or something I the the British had Marmite which is which is a different product there's a big debate between Marmite and Vegemite Marmite is a glossier drippier product but it's Vegemite as a matte finish [Laughter] but it's yeast extract it's the richest source of vitamin B on any of any food on Earth that's like that's the magic hangover yeah vitamin so we're doing today we're doing uh Hey guys brand new something's burning my my guest today I'm so excited Jim Jefferies Forest Shaw they are uh they are fantastic comedians but very good friends as well they tour together they've been around the world you guys have been to the you guys went scuba diving at the at the uh we've done all over the place you guys have done everything traveled to Europe together twice Israel yeah yeah what do those crowds like they're great they're great we do it in the round yeah it's like yeah you'd sell well in Israel don't worry about it no way yeah they're great you get a bodyguard with a gun the whole time and everybody everybody walks around and goes oh you don't want to go into that place the hummus is no good this place the hummus and then you go oh yeah I could taste all the [ __ ] saying to me man that's great do you ever feel like because me and you are Florida guys yeah and so like when I remember meeting Jim for the first time and there was a very European feel about him do you feel like that has shimmered off the more you know him um yeah well no you know what it is because you spent so much time in England yeah all right you I feel culturally British more than Australia you feel British to me and I know you're Australian but there's also like nuanced things that you've said to me in the in the past I still go Australia home Australia is still my house Sydney yes you were just in Australia didn't you on stage get in trouble for some other words you said like the crowd like gave it back yeah he was saying like gas instead of yeah I said gas and I said side work I got to think about taking the bins out and go take them to the sidewalk and they all looked at me like DMV what are they called [ __ ] this guy he's not a stranger like in all the black guy walks out to me these two Mexicans come out and then we're playing soccer yeah you can't do Mexican references they're like nah um okay perfect something and you're not drinking we're going to be talking about Edibles in a second um it hasn't kicked in yet so I'm all right I just took it people will say to me though that I say things like I'm Australian sometimes there's certain words that I picked up just hanging out with you I don't know Aborigines [Laughter] I was the way this cut Works didgeridoo into a sentence is unbelievable yeah if I'm down there for too long I say cut a lot I do I really do take credit for bringing it to America because when I first got here the comedy clubs are saying I you can do anything you want don't say cut and then I just said it and then other Comics went to say and they went but he can say it and then when he gets away with it but I I will say you you liberated my [ __ ] yeah I think I did Liberate the word [ __ ] to American so you're welcome I won't go too hard because it's early in the afternoon and we know you get a finite amount of cocktails it'll be cool for it when you turn 21 they're like just so you know 740. and you're like what like that's how many you got 740 bottles and you just line them up in your house I didn't know that was a that's a thing a finite amount I mean I mean technically the liver can only process so much yeah you generally have so much of it your life is like a computer plant right and you get to put all the different stats into your computer player right so you go you're going to be this muscular This Tall this wide right and you get so many amount of Big Macs and you get so much Fried Chicken you get so much alcohol and once you eat it life's basically giving up because so many times you can jerk off what do you think you're closer to uh your finite amount of drinking or jerking off what do you think you're gonna end jerking off you think there's going to be a period in your life where you call it a day my father's 80 he still jerks off on the regular on the regular relationship I slowed down Big Time jerking off I think drinking I don't know why so I stopped jerking off recently jerk off as much oh I've sped it up I've got a baby though so I would try to find small opportunities in the house when you're married with a baby you just try to find a room or a closet no yeah that's what you sort of do yeah I know it's a place to be busted within the closet I got I got busted by my mother when I was I don't know 12 or 13. are we allowed to talk this is yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so so I'm masturbating and I've got the magazine I wasn't even into the masturbate I was just doing the prep work yeah you know I had the Playboy had my dick out I was ready to go all right a hot summer's day maybe you know in your measurement 95 yeah right and uh and if I can uh I hear my mum pounding at the door and as she opens my door I do the I pull the duvet over me and throw the magazine down the side of the bed one motion just go like that right she walks in she goes you should clean this room it's a bloody Pig style and I was like this yeah I'll get right onto that man and then because I was so like you know yeah nice what are you up to under there I'm just trying to have a nap why are you gonna do that everywhere it's 40 degrees it's like Celsius right and I'm like well just [ __ ] off from having to Netflix she started pulling on the duvet and I was holding it like this there's not much leverage and so I had to make a decision as she was am I obviously my erection was strengthening and I and she's as she's pulling on the thing I just make that thing like you know when you're losing a tug of war fight and you go well the consolation prizes are let go and these Cuts fall out yeah yeah sure maybe she'll knock yourself unconscious under the wall yeah yeah so I go I just let go she smashes into the Wardrobe falls down I flip under my stomach my [ __ ] 13 year old sweaty ass was poking in the air and she just said you're disgusting she didn't give me the whole everyone does it it's completely unnatural she told my brother my oldest brother who used to call the enforcer in the film he's now become a cop right because when she when we got too big for her to hit her she delegated off to my eldest brother right she had workers right but anyway he tells she tells him and he comes and talks to me and acts like I'm the only person who's ever masturbated in the family you know when you're at that age and you're 13 and you don't know that he was young but it was the early 90s yeah a little bit late that was the late 80s right yeah and it was like we didn't talk we didn't say to our friends I jacked off or anything like that we always used to sit around going oh I don't do it you do it no I don't do it I thought it meant you were gay and at one point I was like I'm cool with being gay because I can't stop this like it has control over me I even if I think about it I do it so my my brother sat me down and he goes look um hopefully this won't get out and we'll have to move he goes I only pray that Granddad doesn't find out yeah anytime you see a moving car you're like man that's the guy I must caught him oh my God and then like three Christmases later he goes remember when I did that you know like still worried about I was like all right it's a relief you just reminded I haven't thought about this in years but your my mom caught me masturbating one time and I buried this somewhere deep inside because it was like I was yeah you know you did the mean potatoes using your hand masturbation use some lubrication whatever but then occasionally you would try and figure out something kids in the listening and they're not listening okay thank God I had this mattress it was like a foam mattress and it had like holes in it and I was decided I was going to try and [ __ ] the mattress and see if that worked and that's not masturbating Forest I know but that's [ __ ] a mattress man that's a whole different I mean it's still yeah okay so [ __ ] dead goose right the dog is sound asleep but I'm thinking it doesn't matter either way so and so as I'm trying to put my dick in this hole in the mattress I look out the window and I make eye contact with my mom who's watering the plants outside my window are you serious and then I just you know stopped [ __ ] the mattress and uh you just freeze like a soldier in a foxhole yeah he was very upset she used to [ __ ] that mattress yeah wow we didn't talk about it never ever I think that's how you're supposed to deal with it my brother caught me and I had a whole lot of magazines in the ground like an early version of Windows switched some for some reason and he just walked out okay that's my other brother that went under the radar but that was [ __ ] brilliant I think early version of Windows um first thing I'm making an onion uh no blooming onion that's like what you guys had every day for breakfast okay so this is a thing that Outback Steakhouse invented it's an Outback Steakhouse we need to bloom and onion blooming is a word like to to substitute [ __ ] or bloody or something oh for real so we're even [ __ ] on you there you go this blooming guy over there and he's blooming wife and he's blooming this right and so yeah it's just you're saying you're making a [ __ ] onion yeah it's a blooming onion yeah yeah you ever have those in Australia I've had one at Outback Steakhouse because I had to try my authentic Cuisine yeah from my childhood was that as good as you remember Mama making it I went I went I went once to I've been one soon Outback Steakhouse and we're doing a field piece out in Atlanta and I was like Suburban Atlanta and I went to the Outback Steakhouse and I said lady come over this can I have that kind of that and the guy was with went uh stop doing the fake accent like that right oh my God and the woman went like this I've heard better for real yeah so look [ __ ] hell I must sound pretty weird now you know you know my one of my favorite things about Jim Norton is he has that character Chip he does yeah and he created it with a girlfriend friend he had a girlfriend and he used to play that character when they go out to eat and the waitress wouldn't know they would just think that girl's married to a [ __ ] psycho and it would make the girlfriend embarrassed and that would make him laugh and was horrifully horrifically embarrassed she didn't want him to do it yeah don't do the [ __ ] accent yeah it's like if you just talk with like a stutter and a slur like yeah it was like I don't look up Cheers Cheers Cheers like you're not mean to cheese with water because it's bad luck babe yeah that one's ever driven that car into a tree with all their bad luck water it looks like beer anyways so you go in like this and you just cut little slivers I'm sure you've seen this I've done a ton of times like in the playground or what about the little tuft you gotta cut that off right nope you leave it you don't eat that part so I routine years ago about a friend of mine the muscular dystrophy that I took to a brothel right yeah I mean I did a sick on that I was just thinking about it when you were telling that story about chip chipperson right so his brother his brother's got Muscular Dystrophy and he would take him everywhere like this and sometimes when they walked in customer service would be rude to his brother and not acknowledge Him and speak directly to his carer and go what would he like like yesterday so my mate would always put on a mentally challenged voice and go what would you like and then he would speak he would speak very clearly I was honestly like he was running him yeah it was a wonderful Dynamic all right so Bloom and onion so you cut it like this and then you fan it all out you put it in this bowl you take all these spices this is a cumin I don't want to give away my exact recipe so uh cumin this thing paprika my daughter's uh and her friends organize all this this is cumin I'm sorry cooking catchphrase like the guy used to go bam yeah you've got to get one of them that's the n-word I do it like that by the way it's so so distracting I know I'm gonna get in trouble for it I put a little pepper [Laughter] so you stir this all up and then what you got to do is oh I gotta make this too there's a dress do you cook much for us I used to work yeah I used to work on a kitchen in college really so but I mean do I cook much now not as much but I could I can cook yeah that's but it's milk yep all right this is a great way to find out you're colorblind Kool-Aid uh two eggs this is the dredge look at the single hand cracking oh yeah look at that I got obsessed I had a period of time where I lost a bunch of weight and I got obsessed with cooking shows obsessed and I used to watch him every night and and that helped you lose weight yes it would it would it would give me the thing I wanted kind of you know like it was like I don't know it's hard to explain yeah when I'm when I'm high and I've eaten all the food I then watching a cooking show so I can experience other food in the front yeah I get that I get so into have you have you watched the foreign language Netflix cooking shows oh the the Mexican taco one that one's very good wait wait wait wait one Mexican taco one this is what do you you read the subtitles it's but it's a it's a cooking show but it's like they're a little bit trippy they sort of they flash between the taco and then some psychedelic shots and then back to the top yeah it's really it's super sexy food porn yeah yeah it's not easy bad food and that's that's not good I wasted the calories in there yeah I hate that I I was just talking about this I go one of the reasons I'm not cheated on my wife not one of the many reasons but one of the reasons I don't is because I'm always afraid like chicks look great until you get them naked then you're like oh this isn't what I signed up for and then I wouldn't want to waste my marriage on like in fact even if they look good naked it might be a bad shag you know I mean there's too many variables I'm so quick I couldn't tell you if it was bad I'm still quick all these years oh yeah I was this morning this morning I had a window of a month where I was I could really pick it out and the rest of my life I've been slow I just dropped a fork I think it's in the flower yeah I might be in years oh it's in the flower it's in the flower um I was so quick this morning I swear to God I was looking so I had to work out with my trainer at uh eight and it was 7 30 and I was when I was taking care of her and then I looked at the clock to see I'm not going to be too late and when I got done I happened to see the clock it was 7 31. that's quick well I mean that's like from start to finish I mean like the first time no no no no no no no no no I put in work before you know that's just that's just having a wow I make sure I make sure everyone eats cake you know what I mean yeah that's what I'm saying then that's part of sex yeah okay well then I should know I [ __ ] a lot of beds I don't know if it's me but there's something super special about fall it brings us together and the best thing I have in my house is a smokeless fire pit from solo stove in my opinion it helps creating those memorable moments for me easier than ever I just cuddle up with the warmth of the comforter plus it's portable the setup is easy the cleaning is is almost is almost seamless and best of all no smoke I love this the other night me and Liam went out to the backyard and uh and we have a gas fire pit it just doesn't bring you the feel of fall the smell of a fire pit is so easy to light I'll tell you right now with all the excitement going around this summer nothing beats the fall the outdoor in the fall is the best make the most of your outdoor time this season with a solo stove smokeless portable fire pit they are so easy to set up and so clean how much more enjoyable is smokeless design I will tell you this I have asthma kind of like more allergy induced asthma if I sleep around cats too much I have a hard time breathing and if I sleep around cats and I sit by a campfire holy God I don't know how the settlers did it campfires are unbearable you reek of a campfire the next day all the clothes you have have to go into a into a washing machine to be cleaned but this smoking spot fire so when we unboxed it it was so easy to set up and start enjoying the fire like that upgrade your backyard with a solo Stove fire pit and create story worthy moments without Fireside fumes stainless steel construction designed to regulate airflow which burns more efficiently so little smoke you're going to wonder how there's so much fire and so much heat you can cozy up next to it it's the perfect Catalyst for getting outside and spending more time with your family and your friends you get a bottle of wine with your loved one and you are building lasting memories around a solo Stove fire pit solo Stove fire pits are brilliantly engineered to be easy to use and they're built to last so easy to light literally I lit it first try with just a few bits of starter and my fire was Blazing 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I'm just gonna like really make it happen oh yeah oh this looks good I've been on a really crazy diet after I went to the doctor I kind of was like I have control over over a heart attack I have a legit control over it I have to lose weight I have to lose weight so I've just been eating really healthy but this is my cheat this is my cheat hardcore way you're worried about like your doctor told you you got it no no okay my blood pressure is good my cholesterol is 97 my I did scans in my chord arteries and my heart I did my this and everything was good everything's good minimal blockage here one to fifteen percent which is not not to worry about they scan that and they could tell you yeah because I just did I just did the the stress test I did the stress I get naked in front of everybody and they put yeah we never had these conversations 20 years ago I know can you believe it do you believe what we've turned into 10 years time will be doing another cooking show like this these stay lifts I'll tell you I got this necklace if I fall over the the ambulance just comes I have such OCD that like the way you cook is killing me right yeah because you're just everything's spilling there's just flowers do you do the cleanup no no no no okay I don't have to do that as a guest no you're not good and enjoy and then just wait for that it's like the credits were you always were you a weed guy before no I've a camera where you go when I gave up alcohol I took out weed and I gave up alcohol uh March 10th so a year and oh wow for a while yeah yeah yeah it's been great it's been really really good it was easy for a lot of it I gave up um my wife was pregnant at the time that wasn't the reason I gave up but it was good to have another person not drinking in the house with me oh yeah and then I took up I got in with weed in a big way big fan never liked it before or had a few panic attacks the first few times I did it but it was like smoking cigarettes you got to fight through the bad times to get to the fun and now I've broken love they really are I can control the weed now I never used to be able to for about the first few months I couldn't I think that's a problem that some people are you can control it okay now yeah that's why I don't do as many Edibles because I remember we did Edibles one time and it was we ended up like sitting behind a couch like watching the Teletubbies from behind it like we couldn't like I don't know this is The Wiggles Wiggles because we both of us were just like all right I can't do this I said we're like behind the couch remember and we're just watching The Wiggles oh you get the good mushrooms yeah he's my guy's disappeared yeah it's disappeared I don't know what happened I got all of his last batch done so I have a ton of them was he the guy that I gave him yes but he called me one day and he gets he just goes hey um like I'm having a sale what drug dealers in three to six months and then this is how like sketchy was too normally he would just come deliver them to you and he just they came in the FedEx envelope like he didn't want anything to do and it went back on what's the um app where like no it's supposed to be safer uh and then I went to go say hey I got him and it was like he's no longer here like he was in the wind I was like all right I'm sad that these guys left their life I've got like a few left but nothing to write home about the first time I got him remember I got him from this guy and then I showed him to you that's not enough but it was enough remember it was not enough now because you don't remember the thing when it went to the the casino am I in the splatter zone no no okay we had a legit flash fire yesterday like we should be fine just you dumping into oil I feel yeah I'm not saying Mentos into Diet Coke level but I'm saying something yeah yeah I I uh I uh no you should be totally fine it's very seldomly do we have fire alarms go off and big things for yesterday I was in a [ __ ] place with a towel and Gilbert Godfrey and I was trying to make a fried fish and I had a legit grease fire happen and and so bad that atel was really uncomfortable he was like there's a fire rolling around on the ground and we had some kid that guy tells trying to smoke a cigarette and some kid was like hey you can't smoke in here man in the middle of the show like ruin the energy [ __ ] sucked what this is the dip one tablespoon oh I got all my ingredients right here yeah what do I got to do make the cheese dip melt the soda in a boss pan add the flour to make a little Roux you know what a roux is serve for two minutes till it gets Brown lower the heat to medium then add the beer oh can we put beer in it of course okay um Oil Can you guys have Fosters is that what you used no we didn't have one Fosters it's a bit of a misnomer yeah so what do you guys do Bill Hogan sold it to you as a foreign drinks Fosters in Australia they drink Fosters in Great Britain and they think we be drinking it they drink loads when Great Britain versus brewed in Scotland yeah it tastes different and it's not a great beer well we have in Australia we have very uh proud sort of State beers so if you live in Sydney you'll have two e's and if you live in Melbourne you'll have Carlton and Brisbane Forex so we're very Regional with our beer tastes what's that little you get like a smaller beer in Sydney remember scooter the Schooner and then there's a midi the mini yeah a mini is even smaller than Australia we have different measurements makes you feel like you're not really drinking but you are yeah oh I had a what is a shandy yeah it's bright and lager yeah and I was like oh that used to be that used to be the whole like you know if you said to a bloke you'd go you'd go oh I'll have a shandy people would go like that you know people would pick what I mean about it right so the Shady something you have in private where no one else knows about it you don't announce it very loudly did you know did you ever see Patrice over in London when he was doing a TV show once but you're like a stand-up spot we were both on the same show I I made him a couple times I'm any I got to know him better on Opie and Anthony oh that's right you're Opie and Anthony appearances were [ __ ] legendary I mean just Legends there was one where I was on a lot of drugs through though that one haunts me right yeah I made it my mate Andrew Maxwell from England you guys came in on ecstasy oh yeah what happened was my mate who I hadn't seen for a long time it was one of my best mates in in Britain he's an Irish comic really funny Andrew Maxwell very funny even people in the UK know him and and he uh he came over for St Patrick's Day um to do some Saint Patrick's Day show at Caroline's or Gotham or something like that right where they were just having yeah and so he had one night all I had to do was the radio the next day and so I said all right we'll go and we'll take some drugs and then we'll taper off at the end and then I'll just walk into the studio and do a spot then I'll get back but I'd pop the Ecstasy tablet ah 40 minutes before I went into that report I was drunk as well I was not in a good state the whole thing that I used to talk about how the Irish don't celebrate Saint Patrick's Day it's a stupid American thing where you all dressed like leprechauns yeah it always bothers me when when Americans say they're Irish I'm Irish I'm Irish and like yeah not really I've met Irish people they were really actually Irish yeah you know um it's a weird thing that we we do but you never mentioned Americans never mentioned oh I'm English I'm English and there's just as many of you that come historically from England as you do from Ireland but you all very proudly say Irish but you never say I'm English why why is that uh I I think ultimately we don't see an identity in in being British or English we see an identity of being Irish yeah we see green we see red hair we see oppression we have a struggle yeah yeah you don't want to be the one that conquered the world I never I learned about imperialization from you guys uh Steve Steve uh Hughes yeah he's uh he he was you remember him I understand I lived with Steve lived together we had a house breaking yeah yeah that was a great [ __ ] story God that was a great [ __ ] story um but yeah he uh everyone right now is like what's the [ __ ] story now you gotta find it that's the fun of the internet um he used to tell me about imperialism and colonization yeah yeah and I I didn't I never heard those words I was like [ __ ] 34. and I'm like what do you know that the Canadians are part of the colony in Australia is part of the college never realized any of that I never realized the phrase the Sun never sits on the sets on the British Empire yeah I didn't understand that I was just like okay because it's always foggy you know gets away with murder though is the Dutch like something oh that thoughts were [ __ ] animals since I traveled the world with Jim like and I would you know anytime I'd go anywhere you'd read a plaque you go to Museum and the Dutch work got everywhere that the English did and did just as many heinous things but they got away with it because I guess then they just like legalized weeds so well in Amsterdam so good work Dad yeah you do what you got to do and I'm not upset about black feed either [Laughter] Dutch you know about Black Pete oh yeah yeah I the first time I saw Anna of course it's been it's tone deaf for a country that has legalized prostitution legalized drugs and then it still does blackface yeah it's aggressive black face yeah yeah so Black Pete is like Santa's Santa Claus's helper yeah and then he became friends but if you historically go back he was his slave and so in Holland nobody said they said that there isn't he was like from the chimney no no but also it's kept his clothes pristine his hair's gone curly who knows how this happens it's obviously the chimney the chimney that's made this happen there's really they've held on to his nail for this uh for this this tradition of this so so in in uh Holland during uh Winterfest or whatever it's not it's not Christmas as such but they have Santa Claus and he rides on a horse yeah black peaches mate if you're good and you leave your stocking out Santa Claus will give you a gift oh my God if your bag if you're bad black people put you in a sack and take you to Spain [Laughter] oh that's so [ __ ] I feel like there's nowhere worse than Spain oh my God the bad guy then oh you wouldn't think they would try to dress up like that he's a little bit naughty underwear we did a field piece on black feet on the Jim Jeffrey show Google it was the first field piece we did and we I interviewed a bloke in blackface it was just he couldn't get that's what he's saying because he's a little bit naughty yeah black paint does little naughty things like he uh stands on tables and stuff like that and I go talks too loudly in the cinema [Laughter] Vegemite goes in now oh yeah and I put a good helping because I think we I think we all smells good already yeah yeah oh I and then we do all the spices they go in and we're gonna slowly put in the cheese and our sauce will be ready this is like a Vegemite queso yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you can make Vegemite mac and cheese for your kids I've actually done that one yeah really yeah for myself my my kids although they have the Australian passport they they're American what's that like your whole life your whole life you knew what Americans were and now you've got them I've got one I I've made one that can be the president I got another one yeah we'll see how he goes as well but my my kid it's weird to have a child with a different accent than you where are you yeah my kid has an American accent I look at him like what are you doing this yes you sound weird yeah my daughter's my wife has a really thick accent so a Southern accent you you heard it and Sh it's weird I think it's got to be weird when my daughters go down to uh Georgia and spend time with their family my wife's actually it's thicker and they used to make fun of it you know but they were idiot they're not idiots they were just young but they'd be like I'm from the southern well my son he does the impersonation all right Dad oh you're like you sound like an idiot but then sometimes you'll be playing computer games with these mates right he'll be on the line plane whatever and you can hear them all talking yeah and he'll be like run around here no shoot that guy that guy all right bro bro all right mate you have to listen and then he'll go all right mate and his friends are like what are you seeing make for he goes I'm Australian because everyone wants to seem exotic like you're Irish yeah yeah because I'm Australian the Australian accent comes from drunk Cockney so Cockney is a working class of Britain they came out and then it was all their alcoholics and that's where the Australian accent comes from cockney's the best one is the best one but you gotta [ __ ] [ __ ] me right a guy that speaks like this all right and then you slow it down and slow it down and slow it down and slow it down and slow it down and then you go there's the drunk Blake that's great this looks [ __ ] great how much virgin might you put in there I put a lot better put a [ __ ] caramel okay all right all right yeah Vegemite and cheddar cheese are kissing cousins of flavor yeah they love each other yeah they sell they sell Vegemite infused cheese now but wait kissing cousins yeah kissing cousins I don't know I don't think that makes sense because they shouldn't be together but that's good yeah that makes sense it feels good that they are yeah too hot kissing cousins all right we are dreads you ready right we may not have enough oil in here we'll flip it we'll flip it we'll put a little more oil in there maybe that'll it's always good to add oil in the middle of a frying session yeah because that'll heat right up yeah I don't know it's still going I thought the bubbling might have stopped you can crank this [ __ ] up a bit you want to cook it that's what I've learned if you if you cook things over oil too hot you burn it and you don't get don't worry we have another dish coming we have lollipop lamb lollipops with a Vegemite oh I love me I love me some lamb all right I live with the vegan I don't get this stuff at home for real no my wife I I still ain't made I don't I don't give a [ __ ] or whatever food I want or whatever like that but I I I uh my wife would give me hell of reading lamb if she saw me doing it really yeah you don't like it because they're cute smaller animals because they're babies they're baby sheep oh yeah yeah I never thought about it that way yeah yeah Martin's the old full-grain one the babies as well and no one needs a mutton no mutton tastes like dog [ __ ] you're only the babies yeah it's it's the pedophile of foods pouring spot s this is like a scene in Indiana Jones where he's picking up the gold Temple thing yeah there we go oh it's looking good actually I think we wanted to crisp up even a little more I think the more you cook it the better it is I don't think you can overcook it yeah I don't think yeah have you read the calories and I'm blooming onion it's uh I think it's a sauce mostly it's mostly all that flour especially flour yeah if you just throw a little piece of onion yeah just to see how long it needed to cook okay yeah test onion you're just hungry it's just a little something for me sure you thought that's not enough there we go about an onion was was Crocodile Dundee a big thing when you were a kid yeah really yeah yeah I've tried twice on two different projects to make Paul Hogan playing my dad I once had a conference call with him and we got close yeah but it didn't happen he's going to do a sketch and I wanted him to play my dad in my TV show in the end we got uh George Lazenby he was James Bond for one movie oh yeah oh for real yeah yeah yeah he was in between Sean Connery and Roger Moore Secret Service never acted before bullshitted his way into the job it was before IMDb just told everybody looking pretty good it was very good it looks very good right that was the right time you didn't flip it too early yeah this is real this looks really good I'm blooming surprised and does it open up what do you think he's got a tear it oh no but it is no little ones are pronging off and stuff because it's like popcorn yeah you just go oh look at these guys open up guys find your friends yeah good job it's turned into how often do you make this to the family every Monday we do blooming onions really no no no not at all I'm a bit High I took that a bit seriously what if I go like this and go I've read it again for you guys I just fell I got it oh yeah now you're basting in the oils yeah yeah that's some stuff yeah there you go that looks like you know what you're doing now yeah right yeah you ever see those guys cook steak and they've based it and buttered a lot of time spoon yeah and you're like oh and then you try doing it your butter turns black yeah like oh why isn't working for me yeah it's not easy to do that hey of course tell us a story about the time you saved that guy's life at the bottom of the ocean um yeah well I used to be a marine biologist before as a comedian and um I but entry-level biologists and about I think it was like two weeks after I got the job we were out on a reef in Miami and scuba diving there was a guy snorkeling that was like leading us along it doesn't matter what we were doing we're doing biology [ __ ] and uh he started floating down to the bottom I could see him he was sinking down I'm sorry sinking down to the bottom and um he had passed out shallow water blackout you know what that is yeah yeah of course you almost get to the surface and then your brain shuts off because too much carbon dioxide and then you keep breathing but you're not breathing you're just sucking in water and you sink to the bottom yeah and I pointed it out the guy that I was he was the guy that was closer to him went down got him off the bottom brought him up to the surface or doing kind of the Heimlich to get water out and brought him on the boat and then the Coast Guard flew in there and took him when he lived he lived that was like my second week of that job it was pretty you don't you know when something like that happens you don't really in the moment you're not you're like whatever we're just trying to keep this person for 15 years and I've ever heard that story I should ask more questions I have that problem with people I like as I talk I talk so much yeah well I'll tell you I'll tell you there's I have a combination from the mayor of the city of my of Miami and um and I I had it framed and it was just in the closet and I know it's not something you're gonna put on your wall like yes they have to do to life you know whatever and then when the the last house I lived in I decided just as a joke I would put it like where if you were taking a [ __ ] in the guest bathroom you put it on the wall and so people would read it and be like holy [ __ ] this guy saved up somebody's life from the mayor that's [ __ ] insane yeah and so I did that and I thought people would think it's funny and then people would just come out and be like you save that guy's life I'm like yeah you didn't think it was funny that you're taking a [ __ ] and I put that there for you to read like it and then I'd tell a story but yeah no it's uh Martin Martin roach he's uh he's alive he had kids he got married everything but he's alive because of you well have you checked on him recently though um but yeah it was uh it was pretty crazy all right should we try it yeah here I'll give you a spoon if you want to spoon out some of that cheese dip oh just rip into it right oh you get it out I think you just rip it yeah you just rip into it here take a knife and cut it burn my finger it's gonna be pretty [ __ ] hot I think okay all right you just put a honey spoon in it sorry you're killing it [ __ ] oh yeah everybody this is self-cleaning Spoonman there we go I'm gonna try the cheese chopped a piece there for you you want to there that one's Chopped all right oh my God drop it chop it Vegemite and cheese all right Heaven oh it's Vegeta and cheese like the sandwiches you make yeah and technically it is yeah right up your alley this is what this is what I had for school every day yeah yeah [ __ ] yeah I just might start something that hides very easily yeah here uni spoon yeah just to get some cheese some Veggie my cheese foreign Vegemite to more things and sneak it into my kids diet oh wow I use the same sprayer yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah almost great is the the onions didn't lose their crunch they're still got a little bit of crunch but they're still soft enough oh my God now the vegemite's great for it because it's like it's like it's got that like um really rich like flavor to it but with the cheese it's like I think you're all right kissing cousins yeah yeah the cheddar and the veg might complement each other's anyway butter compliments Vegemite vegemite's so [ __ ] good how much money do you think they make well if I'm I might be wrong but I used to be Australian maid but then they got bored and they said I think made in Australia but I got bought out by Craft oh for real sorry yeah how much does craft make I reckon a lot God I reckon they do a right craft hey can we take this oil out of here Pete I don't think I'm cooking on this again right how can one onion get so big yeah right yeah it expands out it's like uh it's like me when I get to a hotel room like I just get there and then all of a sudden I opened my bag and next thing you know I got my backpack's opened up and it's all over the thing and actually you know my he booked everything away tonight yeah no yeah I'm brand new drawers because like a serial killer yeah okay wait no if it's one night I'm not gonna put in the drawers but if you're there like two three nights I like to put everything like underwear socks everything in there because mentally it makes me feel more stable I don't know otherwise or something otherwise I just feel left over a mountain but anyway next I'm going to make lamb lollipops with a honey Vegemite reduction Jim was a big big has had a lot to do with my career oddly enough oh you did a special I think it's on YouTube I saw it at Edinburgh you were just kind of walking around the crowd and and drinking a beer do you know which one I'm talking about the Holocaust maybe is that is that out that one was never on YouTube or anything no that one's only on YouTube it was it was on Showtime for like three viewings and then I saw that and I liked it so much your energy was so great and I was like I feel like my energy sometimes is a tad bit force I think that's what we were doing in the states at the time it's like we were all watching Dane Cook murder with not saying Davis Cook was forced energy but it was very prepared very like meticulous and and like repeating words and you were just very conversational and I was like slowly some people say some people would say that yeah but uh and that was the first thing I saw where I was like because I wasn't drinking beer on stage I would never have a beer on stage I would never take a beer on stage with me never drink before the show never drink during a show and then I watched that and I was like oh you can have a beer on stage you can totally have a beer on stage like I don't know why I thought that rule was was as it was and then uh the other big big thing in my career I don't know if I've ever told you this was that that uh Red Rock show we were supposed to do right it was like it was a game changer for me because I didn't think because when you had to back out you had to pull out because of the I think because of the baby or something baby yeah and I was like there's no way I can sell 10 000 tickets but I was put in a situation with like what do you want to try and I would have never tried to I would never tried and I really enjoyed the challenge and I sold 10 000 tickets and I was like I would have been smart just to do this show with you because then I could have claimed to have sold the 10 000 tickets with you but in reality it would have just been you no it was it was uh but it was it was great and it was it was like a big milestone in my career where I started going okay yeah I'm cool to do Arenas like I would have never wanted to do Arenas or any of that [ __ ] because I was just like scared what was the thing that turned the turn the corner for you in Australia because remember you said yeah I don't really sell them Australia yeah I started selling out in Australia I don't know I think maybe the gun control thing I started selling attack bit because of that gun control thing because anytime anything would happen in any school shooting you would go viral and you'd be all over the Internet and I was like and I was like I was like shark attacks are popular right I figured a great shark attack every time oh it is terrible when you're exact one when you turn on your Instagram or you wake up in the morning and then you see you're trending and you're like what have I gotten so many followers overnight yeah must have been a school shooting yeah it's not a nice way that's school shootings I mean there's a there's an upside to them but uh but isn't there that thing too like where you're from this country and and then the gun control bit maybe is like what launched you here and then they were like they claimed you right like you're ours yeah yeah yeah yeah it was really me entering on Netflix in Australia for them to see me oh for real yeah by the way by the way veal smells like [ __ ] oh they legit did well over there like I was starting to sell theaters I wasn't doing the rain is until the gun control me really be a lamb is that I'm sorry lamb smells like [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah [Music] I'm gonna be cook these two minutes per side and then you get medium rare do you guys like your meat medium rare medium rare what do you whatever you guys want whatever is easiest um I am medium rare yeah and I remember where are these where are these sheep from what what continent is Australia Australian yeah yeah we yeah yeah well it's Australian lamb yeah it would have to be frozen to be Australia Australian them that's the wrong one I had have you ever had a Ferg Burger New Zealand yeah yeah and Queenstown right yeah Queenstown I got one way in line but I got I've been there twice it's yeah it's so [ __ ] good there's a huge line though yeah you just waited in the line or you just yeah it's this place in Queenstown that's like this famous burger place and quick because there wasn't a theater there in Queensland that's why you didn't do a show there but when I stayed on my on my own and went around New Zealand I've been there a couple times that's like one of the most beautiful cities like towns like ever on this Lake and it's just famous gorgeous it's a insane Crystal Blue Lake like yeah it's like anxiety attack and giving crystal blue it's that blue just mountains around it and it's just it's beautiful it's [ __ ] I mean I I like have you been in New Zealand right I just got back from New Zealand I haven't been to that town but Queenstown is Queen and then we went to the end of glenorchy there and went on the like um up the river and yeah yeah and there's like yeah it was it was okay but that there's this burger place that's supposed to be the best burger I don't know that's supposed to be one of the best Birds it's [ __ ] but the line what do they do that's so special it's it's uh it's I think it's lamb so now you're probably there because it's like extreme sports right like there was like there's a bridge that bridge across the river you bungee off of and stuff like that yeah it's weird that all extreme sports were started in New Zealand theme parks today yeah it's a small population yeah I love I love did you when did you decide to be a comedian because were you a marine biologist and then you're just like I'm the funniest guy in the ocean now I I just uh yeah I was a marine biologist and you know what it was I like I I my grandfather had passed away and when I was looking at all these photos of him he was one of these guys that just did everything you know yeah and so that was like I just sat on let me make a list of things I said I wanted to do so I'm not like dying and like I didn't do [ __ ] that was like the first thing was comedian and I just really yeah started doing it and you know [ __ ] terrible at the beginning and then figured it out and [ __ ] then just quit being a marine biologist man um did you need another drink dad you're gonna have one on that one now you were talking about a boat earlier oh here can you make the drink sure um I'm gonna come around there no no you make it over here okay um did uh need ice I did talk about here you go so you had a boat out here for a while and you were like yeah it's not boating culture out here oddly enough wow there's nowhere to boat it's like Cliffs everything's like rocks and cliffs out here and there's no like in Florida there's all these like inland waterways yeah you want some too uh yeah give me a splash and I had a my mom had passed away and she had a boat that was my grandfather's so then the boat became mine yeah and uh I was a marine biologist I've been boating my whole life and voted before I draw I don't even know what I'm doing as far as mixing this it's giving us a couple squirts there you go okay good yeah and then um I said ah you know I'm gonna bring the boat out here it's about a 20. oh well I got so excited Dave told me first got a boot yeah I was like oh we're gonna be [ __ ] both every goddamn weekend yeah that's about everybody and then he's like four got rid of the boat I was like what he was like it was too much trouble wasn't it was too much money like no one loves getting a boat you know what it is everybody else likes it when you have a boat everybody when I got rid of her I was like why'd you do that I'm like oh no one gave me any gas money everyone just wants to go out there and like I mean not that I even asked for it and stuff but I didn't even mind taking my friends out yeah I went in at once I don't believe I gotta be any gas money that's okay yeah I feel bad you're a little bit different it was like a special boat yeah Rain by itself you're a little bit different dude I think I think you know that we've we've done a lot of stuff together this is just people like you got a boat hey I want to film something I want to do this whatever that kind of [ __ ] and then even if a boat's just sitting around it costs you money and then it would just like go show up and they call me in the Miranda like your boat's leaking Hydraulics it was the same version same as that Dexter boat that he used to duck the bodies off it was an open fisherman center console yeah but you can't all you can do here is like I mean the first time you go out you see a seal if you're from Florida you're like holy [ __ ] there's a CL there's a CMI yeah then in the third fourth time like whatever there's nowhere to go you just anchor up outside of Long Beach and you like you know drink a beer and you're just it's not it's nothing but I think boating culture here is like different you know they have that saying like you know the best days with a by the way the fur when you buy it when you sell it those are your favorite but but you're thinking again about so I so I was sitting for a period of time to boat uh well going into Florida you're not no one rents boats you buy a boat you either buy a boat a rattle boat is like a piece the roundabout will break down on you and you'll be on the middle of the ocean with this something that says rent a boat on the side of it yeah you want you want your own [ __ ] boat so I'm on a plane one day the guru's taking uh flying lessons or some [ __ ] uh [ __ ] rogans taking archery everyone's got a hobby and I got no [ __ ] Hobby and I just decided you know what [ __ ] okay I'm gonna get I'm gonna get a boat I'm gonna learn how to sail or I'm gonna get a butt I go [ __ ] sailing I don't I just want to get out there yeah I'm gonna get a boat and so I go to Leanna it's like first of all I was like I want to get a sailboat there's this Australian couple that follows sailing La Vagabond and I I was like I won the Florida State Regatta so I can sail okay I can sail oddly enough um you want a Regatta it's not as fluffy as it makes it I don't even know what a [ __ ] Regatta is it like a little it was a small boat right like yeah a little tiny one yeah the little [ __ ] you pulled the brother I figure out what they're called now a little sunfish sunfish I think these are done man's is gonna buy a boat and live on a boat and uh I'm gonna put these on living on a boat stuff though because you got a shower so I carry a bucket with your shampoo and conditioner and flip-flops dude first for us yeah yeah because it seems like a good idea first but then when you you can't stand up average well it seems like a great idea because then you go this is where I I can live wherever I want I'll go I live on Catalina for a week yeah I live in Oxnard I live in Pirates there's not a lot of security on boats either you get a little Master Lock from Home Depot okay all my belongings are in there hopefully nobody can snap that lock you know yeah but it is there is a there is the yeah the the idea of being free and I get that too but but um you gotta know what you're doing if you live on a boat you know he doesn't I don't know you have no idea you just thought it'd be yeah okay well you might want to read a book by yourself or your family or well he's by myself yeah do you think it'll be hard or easy to take women back to the boat do you think they'll be in there do you think they'll be happy about it the deck is great you you bring one back to the deck and you're like you want some champagne whatever and then you're like yeah women yeah they don't like the [ __ ] in close proximity it bothers them we're not going to Catamaran they'll be one ahead on the other yeah not only that it's like when you have to have sex like I gotta I gotta lower the dining room table and you grab that mattress yeah that's a [ __ ] nightmare unless you get a catamaran though is actually nice because you have the you have the cabins in the front of the Halls yeah those are nice walking yeah they're gonna be blocking man so if I if I'm ever single again I'm just going to stand near your boat and wait for the traffic to come by the Marina's gonna have to write you a letter I'm sorry sir there's too many women coming here but we've never seen anything like it well a lot of women come none of them leave yeah that makes sense this is a Vegemite lemon honey reduction uh on on uh baby lambs or baby baby mutton or baby baby guys what's interesting New Zealand and Australia oh about 50 about 19 million people really yeah there's only three million people in New Zealand a bit more than that there's about 22 million people live in Australia yeah how many friends did you lose to Predators as a kid well I I'll tell you a joke right so one time one time this is a school Pub joke yeah right this is like I don't think this is fine coming but it is good so I'm in a taxi in England and the cab driver's at the front and he goes where are you from mate and I said oh I'm from Australia goes oh [ __ ] wouldn't move there wouldn't move there all those [ __ ] spiders and snakes and sharks and all that sort of stuff he goes I had a mate he got married and then he was on his honeymoon and he got eaten by a shark they said he didn't suffer much he was only married for a week you know what it is I don't think Australians the point is that I don't know anyone who's been eaten by a shark or died by a spider or been eaten by a snake I don't know anyone I've said this I've said this a number of times Germans get killed in Australia at a measurable clip correct uh I don't know the stats on that but there are certain tourists that come over and think oh yeah I'll just have a dip in here yeah Germans because they don't have a lot of predators too though the Germans Germans [ __ ] die everywhere yeah they have a lot of guilt left over yeah I remember and when I was growing up in Miami they just kept getting shot the tourists well that was because you know they changed the laws on um they changed the laws on uh rental cars because of that yeah that way they couldn't identify they're in a rental car it's probably just it's just Karma you know for all the [ __ ] they've done yeah funny they didn't teach us stuff in in the states like they never really taught us about the Treaty of Versailles the way like the way they should have you know like now that I follow a lot of history or like oh the treaty Versa is the reason we had World War II not the like the retreat of Versailles was the [ __ ] up part and so uh it's not gonna mean like I know what the Treaty of Versailles I didn't learn Treaty of Versailles I know what it is but I don't know why is that it was basically it was basically um they how does this look okay I'm looking at it and I think they're cooked perfectly if not a little overcooked but I just didn't want to poison you guys you guys gentlemen all right help yourself you've got your little party plate bodies I'll put it on yeah um yeah these are lamb lollipops and they are Vegemite Vegemite uh honey and lime hey look at the cook on that look at that yeah what birdie boy did they hmm grape flavor I'm not gonna lie I don't know what I'm doing I'm just going to cut that off sweet babies sweet babies so treat him I'm treating your first size those are the Treaty of Versailles so they uh they come in I think it was Woodrow Wilson at the time oh I made you guys dessert too oh yeah Vegemite cheesecake actually to be very clear my daughter and her friends made you dessert they made a Vegemite cheesecake which you take this thing and you go like do you what do you do pop it this way and then you remove it oh there we go holy doly I think earlier they were trying to hide it so that I wouldn't have seen it when I got here and I would never guess it was a veg on my cheesecake anyway Vegemite she's a crust it's like veggie but it's Oreo and outside I think they got the recipe offline we're gonna find out I like Vegemite I like cheesecake me too curious why they chose to add Oreo in it but you gotta have a nice yeah you gotta have a base friendly uncles whoa or the Oreo base it is an Oreo base you know what you were talking about and then what do you think Jim I think this would be all right to predict enough yeah I've had a lot of cheese and crap I don't know if I've had a dessert Vegemite dish in my life thank you please let me get these Forks kind of enjoy it you know what it is I think I realized what it is with me I like making people happy making people have a good time so that's why I enjoy doing this show so I like people going oh that's actually really good oh that's good it's like a servant's heart I've ever done one of these where it didn't turn out good they're very long yeah yesterday um it's not as cold as it could be I've never had cheesecake this warm that's all right though it's Airy yeah no it just needs a chill a little bit more but you're still good it's pretty good yeah it's not bad it's got like you can hit you can taste a hint of the Vegemite I think the Oreo is good I mean I need more Vegemite your Oreo is a star well thank you guys for doing this uh I am so excited I've been wanting you guys on for a long time and I really want to hang out me you and the three of us and Dave yeah like I would really wish because because that's kind of like the the Dream Team for sure yeah we could do it without a podcast just like regular people on the podcast we're at a barbecue episode oh did you really yeah then he and he him and David doing a podcast together now we just started one for real it's not out yet the merman podcast because we're watermen watermen and we're of the water of the water the main Forest they wanted to go I don't know about that yeah I don't know about that with Jim Jeffers yeah we have experts on and and Jim doesn't know it's Jim's dream dream job because we have an expert on on any topic that could be he's not allowed to know what it is so he's not allowed to prepare he just shows up at the end and then we ask him a bunch of questions on whatever the topic is uh see that I don't have to book anyone yeah and then I just saw everything I know on that subject like what subjects have you guys had done so far we've done 100 different songs we do everything from World Wars to cheese cheese we did one on Watergate the more specific the better because then you'll learn more about it because we have usually have a professors someone's written a book on or something like that and the whole idea is like let the experts tell you what the real answers are and instead of like we do nowadays about time like like our last episode was tornadoes tornadoes and then like we've done an episode on James Bond and we've done it yeah it's really fun yeah I can't wait I haven't listened I'm gonna I'm gonna start listening we've done like 120 episodes now something like that really yeah yeah holy [ __ ] yeah it's really fun it's me and Jim and then other cars Kelly zabelski she's on there as well and she uh yeah it's a fun it's a fun episode because you actually learned something and then and that's what you kids want to do right yeah but it's funny too you want to just be entertained wouldn't you like to learn something this was a great [ __ ] episode gentlemen thank you so much I appreciate you guys doing this all right I [ __ ] love you guys is burning something's burning something's burning [Music] [Music] this episode was brought to you by the machine

Channel: Bert Kreischer

Views: 497,700

Keywords: Bert Kreischer, BertKreischer, Bert Stand Up, The Machine, Bertcast, Podcast, comedy podcast, stand up comedy, bert kreischer netflix, bert kreischer stand up, comedy, bert cryshure, 2 bears 1 cave, bert Krisher, bert Kriesher, bert Crisher, bert Kriecher, bert Kriasher, im the machine, comedian, standup comedy, bert Krishur, bert Crishur, bert, burt, Jim Jefferies, Forrest Shaw, somethings burning, Berts cooking show, cooking show, bert cooking show

Id: lQ7UrTZOar8

Length: 66min 24sec (3984 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 04 2022