Revealing Signs of Insecure or Anxious Attachment: How CBT Can Help

CEUs are available at AllCEUs.com/Attachment-CEU hey there everybody and welcome to this  video on 10 signs of anxious attachment   and ways to address them i'm  your host dr donnelly snipes in the past few months i've done several  videos on attachment and secure attachment   but we haven't really talked about the different  types of insecure attachment the first type that   we're going to talk about is anxious attachment  now people who have anxious attachment guess what   when they're in their relationships they feel  drumroll please anxious so the title makes sense   people who have anxious attachment  often are plagued by a constant fear of   abandonment they have a high level of rejection  sensitivity and they're also hyper vigilant   that means they're constantly scanning for any  micro expressions that may indicate that they   are getting ready to be rejected and some of those  expressions or some of those signs that they think   they see may come from what their caregivers did  or what somebody else did in a prior relationship   and those things serve as triggers in the  present for their abandonment anxiety they   often have a constant need of validation and  reassurance people who are anxiously attached   don't feel lovable for who they are a lot of  times they don't even know who they are because   they have always focused on doing what they think  other people want them to do so they constantly   need external feedback telling them yes you're  doing the right thing you are pleasing me   people with anxious attachment are often clingy  or some may call dependent in their relationships   they have difficulty making decisions and they  have difficulty being separated from the person   that they are in a relationship with and when we  get down to talking about the parenting styles   that contribute to anxious attachment you're  going to start to understand why this might be   and i encourage you whatever your behaviors are  in relationships if they are not what you think   is healthy get curious ask yourself why might  this have developed as a result of my childhood is the next sign of anxious attachment a  lot of people who have abandonment anxiety   when they start to feel like they're going  to be red rejected when they start to sense   that rejection might happen they start doing  whatever and we call this fawning they are are   trying just randomly to do whatever it is to  appease this person so please don't leave me   the people with anxious attachment may  inadvertently violate boundaries now they   don't do it generally in an aggressive way a  lot of times they violate boundaries because   they're not willing to take no  for an answer if somebody says   i don't need anything right now the person with  anxious attachment doesn't feel secure unless   they're doing something for that other person so  they're like sure you do what do you need i'm sure   there's something you need that i can do for you  or the other partner may say i really don't want   to talk about it right now it's not you i'm just  i'm in a bad mood and the person with anxious   attachment can't let it go with that they have to  know why the person's in the bad in a bad mood and   they may even go so far as to try to fix it for  them all of those are boundary violations but   all of those develop as a way that the person  with anxious attachment tries to make sure that   the person and they're in a relationship  with needs them loves them and is okay   people with anxious attachment often lack  close friends they get into a relationship   and they pour their entire self into this  one relationship so very rarely do they have   other people that they're spending time with  they are so afraid of being away from their   one significant other that they don't have  time for their friends and they devote all   their energy to being whatever this person they're  in a relationship wants them to be unfortunately   as the saying goes that kind of puts all their  eggs in one basket so should this relationship end   then the person is left with nobody so to  speak because they have not nurtured any   other relationships so that you can see how that  might be a little bit um intimidating to anybody   they're unwilling to take chances or  explore people with anxious attachment   are wanting to make sure that they are good enough  that they are loved by the person they're in a   relationship with and if they take chances if  they go outside their comfort zone guess what   they're risking failure and failure may mean  rejection and rejection means complete disaster   a lot of people with anxious attachment  and insecure attachment in general   experience what we call emotional dysregulation  they have difficulty identifying their emotions   they're so focused on what everybody else is  feeling and trying to keep everybody else happy   they don't even pay attention to what's going on  inside until it bubbles over and they go from not   noticing much of anything or feeling kind of  flat to feeling terrified or feeling furious   and there's very little mid-ground additionally  and you probably picked this up if you watched   my video on the hpa axis or any of my videos  on trauma when people experience constant or   persistent ongoing stress their stress response  system stays on our stress response system is   not supposed to stay on so as a result the  brain undergoes actual structural changes   in order to deal with the hyper vigilance and the  ongoing stress so it turns down people's stress   sensitivity things that would have triggered them  they may have noticed in the past they don't even   have the energy to notice right now so they stay  kind of flat kind of numb until something comes   along and triggers them and then when they're  triggered it's a tsunami of stress hormones so we   see a double whammy their emotions start to bubble  up and then they bubble over before they even   notice them but that bubbling over isn't just a  gentle cascade it is a tsunami of stress hormones   and as a result the person with anxious attachment  may have impulsive or aggressive behavior   when they dysregulate they're going from flat  or numb to furious or frantic so what are they   going to do they are going to frantically try  to regain some control they may yell they may   scream they may throw a temper tantrum hopefully  they don't become aggressive towards themselves   or others but it's not uncommon to see that  so it's important to recognize the signs   of anxious attachment and get curious about why  they're happening what causes it though generally   the researchers found that people with anxious  attachment had insensitive inconsistent parents   now insensitive is something of a pejorative word  or a critical word in many cases but sometimes   it's not that the parents were intentionally  insensitive they just didn't recognize for example   if they have a child who is neuroatypical and  that's not just people on the autism spectrum   that's also people with adhd people with  schizophrenia and a variety of other issues   may contribute to people being either hyper  sensitive or hyposensitive to stimulation   so as an infant the child may have perceived  things as burning hot that the caregiver perceived   as very lukewarm or mild or the child may have  perceived a particular garment as being very rough   and scratchy and painful where the caregiver may  have not even recognized that it was uncomfortable   as a result the child was in pain the child  was uncomfortable the child recognized   that this caregiver was doing things bringing  things that were causing discomfort the caregiver   was oblivious the caregiver did not realize that  the child perceived it differently the caregiver   did not realize that the child was uncomfortable  so i encourage you if you are a caregiver   and your child is reacting to something get  curious about why they're reacting strangely   if you think they're behaving oddly my son when we  used to bathe him he was hypersensitive to getting   water in his ears and when water would get in his  ears it really hurt him and he would just when we   started to wash his hair if water would get in  or on his ears he would just start shrieking   and you know my knee-jerk reaction is what's your  problem water's not going to hurt you get over it   but the therapist in me said let's get curious i  wonder why he's having such a strong reaction to   getting water in his ears so the sensitive parent  is going to notice even if the child's reactions   are different than what they expect the caregiver  is going to notice this and adjust insensitive   parents just keep on doing what they've  always done telling the kid to suck it up or   assuming that the child is just trying to not  go to bed or they're just colicky or making some   other excuse instead of getting curious and  trying to really figure out what's going on in children with anxious attachment the  caregivers were also inconsistent sometimes   they would respond lovingly and try to attend to  the k to the child other times they would become   angry that the child was causing them problems and  still other times they would just ignore the child   it's just like uh whatever i don't have time just  let them cry it out so the characteristics that   have been identified as common to children who end  up developing anxious attachment include parents   within in who are inconsistent in their awareness  of or responsiveness to the child's needs so they   may or may not even be aware that the child has  these needs but once they become aware that the   child's hungry cold unhappy crying whatever they  may or may not respond to those needs so the child   is feeling very unsafe the child's like this  is uncomfortable i don't like this and nobody's   helping me think how much that must feel to a six  month old or a one one year old or a two-year-old   who's still pre-verbal and they're ha they can't  communicate that hey ma this is really painful parents of people who develop anxious  attachment often lack the ability or the   desire to give positive attention to their  child the attention comes maybe sometimes   if the child does something really  really good but the rest of the time   negative attention is about the only  attention that the child is going to get   they don't encourage the child to try  new things they don't encourage the child   to take steps like when the child's learning  how to tie their shoes if the child doesn't   get it right away they're just like fine just  stop let me do it instead of helping the child   they get frustrated and do it for the child  communicating to the child you're incapable   and your incompetence makes me angry which  makes me you know potentially rejecting of you   which creates a situation in which the child  does not feel safe or comfortable they don't   feel like they can do right they are afraid of  abandonment which creates that constant anxiety   what do i have to do to be loved and when i don't  do right does that mean i'm going to be abandoned now i cannot possibly go over all of the  things that might be addressed or need to be   addressed in people with anxious attachment  but there are a few tips begin mindfulness   mindful journaling about the facts in the present  context so if you're in a relationship and you   start feeling anxious you start feeling  like this person is going to abandon you   journal down what's happening what are you seeing  and what are the facts what do you know not what   are you assuming not what are you thinking  not what did other people do in this situation   but what are the facts with this person in this  context become aware of your triggers and begin   processing them if somebody in your present acts a  particular way and it causes you a lot of anxiety   or it causes you to start feeling guilty or  ashamed that is probably coming from messages   from your childhood that said you weren't good  enough and you are always in danger of rejection   it's important to look in the present in the  current context are you being shamed or are   you being in a situation that's not safe or  is this triggering something from your past distress tolerance skills are also important  and this is going to be true for every type   of insecure attachment because insecure  attachment leads to emotional dysregulation   distress tolerance skills can help you  learn that how to tolerate emotions   so they don't feel like they're going to  overwhelm you distress tolerance skills can   include thoughts that are distress tolerant  that say i can do this that unhook from the   thought they instead of saying i feel like  i'm going to be abandoned say i'm having   the feeling that i'm going to be abandoned  and actually hold your hands out like this   so you can envision yourself holding this feeling  or holding this thought then you can decide what   you're going to do with it activities for a lot  of people square breathing slow deep breathing   can help trigger the relaxation response for  some people it actually worsens the dissociation   so engaging in other grounding exercises like  five things that you see four things that you hear   three things that you smell and two things that  you feel if you identify things that are in your   present environment it can help you get grounded  and by looking for those things you're turning   your attention away from what's causing you  distress to something that is theoretically   benign guided imagery can also be helpful  for people who feel anxious or for people   who are dysregulating envisioning yourself  in a cocoon in a bubble in a fortress   or somewhere safe in some sort of situation  where you are safe and protected some people   like to envision their adult self protecting  their child self and s stands for sensations if   all else fails sometimes holding ice  cubes or splashing cold water on your face   or even doing 50 sit-ups can cause you to focus  on something else besides your anxiety sensations gradually increasing space is another intervention  for anxious attachment but this is something that   the person with anxious attachment has to decide  that i want to do this i want to feel more secure   i want to start overcoming my separation  anxiety the person with anxious attachment   needs to be empowered to set the pace for these  things so maybe they start gradually increasing   space by spending 30 minutes while they're  both at the house spending 30 minutes doing   activities that aren't together for for some  people with anxious attachment that may be a   huge step if they're not in the same room with  their significant other constantly and then move   on once they can do that and they don't feel  anxious and they're like okay this isn't so bad   maybe going shopping without the significant  other and then coming back or having the   significant other go out and you know play  around a golf or something golf's probably   a bad example because golf usually takes  like four hours for for a round of golf but   having the significant other go out do  something they want to do and come back   to prove to the person or the so the person  can prove to themselves i guess that their   significant other can go away do something  they want to do and they are going to come back increase love language communication this is  another important tip because a lot of people who   are anxiously attached don't feel loved and don't  feel lovable so communicating to the person using   their love language is the most efficient way to  do this but in order for the significant other to   communicate with you in your love language you've  got to tell them what it is don't make them guess   tell them what it is a lot of people  aren't even familiar with love languages   so this can be another thing that you need to  educate yourself on or educate them on so they   know what it is and even if they don't completely  buy into it they recognize that it's important to   you and they're willing to do it take steps to  start developing friendships that way all your   eggs aren't in one basket this can be support  groups this can be volunteer activities this can   be anything and i don't mean you've got to find  another bestie i mean just go out there and start   connecting with a couple of people and try to find  other people that you feel like you can talk to   and so you're not relying on one person to make  you feel like you are worthy to live and finally   respect boundaries while getting reassurance  it's not rejection when your significant other   comes home and or calls you or whatever and sets  a boundary whether it is something's bothering   them and they don't want to tell you or they want  to spend some time just by themselves they want   some me time or whatever it is encourage open  communication but also respect their boundaries   if they're not ready to talk about it then set  a time you know okay i respect that you need   your space maybe when can we talk about it or  maybe in an hour or tomorrow we can revisit it   if they need space okay that's fine let's define  what that looks like and that will help the person   who feels anxious no you know is this just  the person needing a little time to themselves   or is this evolving into something else if they  say you know i just i want to have the afternoon   okay you know that is very different than  i need some space and i'll let you know now i have in in quotes here best relationships  ideally people who have anxious attachment   will work on their issues so they can feel more  securely attached and they don't maintain this   undercurrent of anxiety henceforth and forevermore   however not everybody wants to change  their attachment style and that's cool   you know if you are fine how you are  and you just want to have a relationship   anxious people who are anxiously attached tend  to do better with other people who are anxiously   attached because they can both they both have the  similar needs and they can work with each other sometimes people who are anxiously  attached to can get into relationships with   others who are securely attached who can  help them start moving towards becoming   more secure in their attachment but a lot  of times people who are securely attached   can recognize the anxious attachment can  recognize the anxiety and can adjust to   compromise and try to meet that person's  needs while still getting their own needs met if the videos on this channel have been  helpful for you please support us in our   mission to make high quality practical content  available to everybody you can donate at doc   snipes dot com slash donate you can join the  youtube channel at doc snipes dot com slash   join or you can purchase a thanks for any  video that you find particularly helpful anxious attachment is one of three types of  insecure attachment that may develop as a result   of insis insensitive inconsistent or rejecting  parenting the person who is anxiously attached   often feels overwhelmed by their emotions and  the emotions of others they've also never felt   safe in their own skin or in the world and as such  they never took initiative to see what they liked   they never developed a sense of self they never  figured out what they were good at or capable of   and this led to dependency in adult relationships  because they don't feel capable of getting   outside that that comfort zone changing anxious  attachment requires that the person feels safe   in the present context they need to feel empowered  they need to feel loved they need to feel heard   they need to recognize how their relationship  behaviors developed as a result of trying to   survive a chaotic environment that's where i  talked about get curious how did this behavior   develop as a way to help me survive how did this  behavior develop as a way to make sure that my   caregivers were going to stay around and meet  my needs until i could meet my needs on my own the person also has to learn to  recognize their own capabilities   and develop emotional  awareness and regulation skills   and learn to set and assertively maintain  and respect other people's boundaries if this video was helpful consider watching  some of my other videos on abandonment anxiety   developing secure attachment complex ptsd   adverse childhood experiences or  improving your relationship with yourself

Channel: Doc Snipes

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Id: EEEMKbkuHfY

Length: 25min 0sec (1500 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 05 2022