male narrator: THERE'S
A WHOLE NEW BREED OF GAMBLER... - STARTING TO PISS ME OFF.
- YEE-HA! narrator:
WHO RISK EVERYTHING TO HAUL THE MOST UNUSUAL ITEMS. - FIRE IN THE HOLE. - THIS THING
IS JUST AN ABSOLUTE BEAST. narrator: ONE WRONG MOVE,
AND THEY COULD LOSE IT ALL. BUT IF THE BID IS RIGHT... - WHOO!
- [groans] - BOO-YAH! narrator:
THE REWARDS CAN BE HUGE. - MORE MONEY, MORE MONEY,
MORE MONEY. - [laughs] narrator: ON THIS EPISODE
OF<i> SHIPPING WARS...</i> - THESE TWO ELFs
ARE GOING TO SOME OF THE FIRST
EARLY ADOPTERS. - IT'S TIME TO MAKE SOME MONEY. - IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S
SOME DAMAGE RIGHT HERE. - WHO CARES? [bell ringing, horn honks] - OH, [bleep]. - WHAT?
- I'M SHIPPING THESE FOSSILS... - TO A RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL.
all: HUZZAH! - I'M [bleep] TIRED OF WALKING
AROUND THIS [bleep] PLACE. - LET'S GET THIS [bleep]
UNLOADED. - NO MATTER WHAT, AT ALL COSTS,
I WILL GET THESE LOADS. NICKELS HOLDING UP A DOLLAR.
LET'S GO. - I DON'T GET INTIMIDATED, BECAUSE I WAS RAISED
TO BE TOUGH. [camel grunts]
AH! - I'M VERY MUCH
AN AMATEUR AT THIS. I'M DEFINITELY HAVING
AN "OH, [bleep]" MOMENT HERE. - YEE-HA! EVERY TIME
I WIN A BID, MAN, IT'S JUST LIKE
I JUST HIT THE JACKPOT. - IT'S ABOUT MAKING MONEY. WE'RE LOGISTICS SPECIALISTS. JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE. OH, YEAH. - I'VE GOTTEN TONS OF LOADS
LATELY, AND MY CUSTOMER RATINGS
ARE GOING UP. I KNOW I CAN HANG
WITH THE BIG BOYS, SO I'M NOT GONNA BE INTIMIDATED
BY ANYTHING OR ANYONE. IT'S TIME TO MAKE SOME MONEY. - WE'RE CONSTANTLY
GROWING OUR BUSINESS AND GETTING THE WORD OUT THAT WE
ARE THE BEST AT WHAT WE DO, SO WE'RE AFTER LOADS
THAT OTHER PEOPLE CANNOT HANDLE. - I'M LOOKING
FOR PURE PROFIT TODAY. I DON'T CARE WHAT GOES ON
MY TRUCK... AS LONG AS MY BOTTOM LINE
STAYS IN THE BLACK. - YOU KNOW, I LOVE THIS JOB,
BUT THERE'S GOT TO BE A PAYOFF. THAT'S WHY I DON'T
GO AFTER LOADS UNLESS I'M GONNA GET
A BIG SLICE OF THE ACTION. - I'M LOOKING FOR AN EASY,
NO-HASSLE LOAD THAT PAYS BIG BUCKS, BECAUSE I'M HAVING A BABY. I'M EXPECTING MY FIRST CHILD,
AND I AM SO EXCITED. - THAT IS SO EXCITING. - JEN'S HAVING A BABY? WHO CARES? - NOW THAT I'M TRANSPORTING
FOR TWO, EVERYONE BETTER BACK OFF. narrator: EVERY DAY,
USHIP.COM POSTS SPECIAL TIMED AUCTIONS FOR
SELECT TOP-LEVEL TRANSPORTERS. FIRST USHIP.COM ITEM
UP FOR BID: AN ASSORTMENT OF FOSSILS. - I LOVE FOSSILS. - I'M BONNIE HELMER. I'M SHIPPING MY ENTIRE INVENTORY
OF FOSSILS. THEY'RE ALL GOING TO THE TEXAS
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL. - I'VE NEVER BEEN
TO A RENAISSANCE FAIR, AND I DO LIKE WENCHES. - WE HAVE MANY, MANY FOSSILS RANGING IN AGE UP TO 350 MILLION
TO 400 MILLION YEARS OLD. THESE FOSSILS
ARE VERY FRAGILE. IF SOMETHING IS BROKEN, WHOEVER'S DOING THE SHIPPING
IS GONNA HAVE TO PAY FOR IT. narrator:
THESE PREHISTORIC PIECES MUST TRAVEL
FROM LAKEWOOD, COLORADO, TO A RENAISSANCE FAIR
IN TODD MISSION, TEXAS, IN ONLY THREE DAYS. - A RENAISSANCE FAIR, HUH?
AWESOME. AND I DO CONSIDER MYSELF
A RENAISSANCE MAN. 3,400. - WHO CARES
IF THEY LOVE MEDIEVAL TIMES? AS LONG AS THEY DON'T PAY
MEDIEVAL PRICES. - IT SAYS
THEY'RE EXTREMELY FRAGILE. WITH A BABY COMING,
I SHOULD GET USED TO FRAGILE. - WELL, I'M NEAR COLORADO,
AND FRAGILE DOESN'T BOTHER ME. AS LONG AS THE MONEY'S GOOD,
I DON'T GIVE A [bleep]. - LOOKS LIKE IT'D FIT. THIS COULD BE A GOOD MONEYMAKER
FOR ME. - THERE'S A LOT OF TRAVEL
TO GO GET THIS. - 2,575, BUT WE'RE NOT
GOING MUCH LOWER. - IT'S GONNA TAKE
A TON OF LIFTING. WHO KNOWS HOW MANY TRIPS
BACK AND FORTH JUST TO LOAD IT? I'M OUT. - I WAS MADE
TO RESCUE THE FAIR MAIDEN AND HAUL THESE. - 2,500? THANKS, MATH WHIZ. THAT JUST BARELY
COVERS MY EXPENSES. I'M OUT. - 2,300. THIS ONE'S MINE. - JUST 'CAUSE ROY
TREATS WOMEN LIKE THEY DID
IN THE MEDIEVAL TIMES DOES NOT MEAN HE'S QUALIFIED
FOR THIS. - WE ARE SPECIALISTS, AND THIS IS JUST
A BUNCH OF ROCKS FOR NO MONEY. WE'RE OUT. - GOOD.
1,950. - ALL RIGHT,
IT'S JUST ME AND ROY. - YOU AIN'T TAKING THIS FROM ME,
YOU LITTLE [bleep]. - EN GARDE. - I'LL MATCH HIM. [laughs] - I CAN'T WIN THIS
ON RATING, BUT IF THEY KNOW ROY,
I AM NOT LOSING. - YOU KNOW,
I FEEL BAD FOR JARRETT. NOT THAT BAD. - I JUST WISH
I WAS THERE TO SEE ROY WHEN HE PISSES OFF
GUYS WITH SWORDS. - WELL, WE'RE IN LAKEWOOD
TO PICK UP SOME FOSSILS
FROM SOME LADY THAT ARE GOING
TO A RENAISSANCE FAIR. ANYBODY THAT HANGS OUT AT
RENAISSANCE FAIRS ARE STRANGE-- PEOPLE WALKING AROUND PRETENDING
TO BE SOMETHING THEY'RE NOT. - GOT TO GIVE IT TO ROY. HE DOESN'T PRETEND
TO BE ANYTHING BY THE [bleep] HE IS. - I'M HERE TO PICK UP
SOME FOSSILS. - NICE TO MEET YOU.
- WHERE ARE THEY? - THEY'RE OUT BACK. ALL OF THIS GOES. THESE CRATES GO.
THOSE GO. SEE THESE HERE?
- YUP. - ALL OF THESE ARE VERY FRAGILE.
- ALL RIGHT. I CARE LESS
ABOUT THIS CRAP BREAKING AND MORE ABOUT THE FACT
IT'S NOT PACKED. WHY DON'T YOU START GETTING SOME
OF THESE BOXES READY TO GO? AND THEN I'LL JUST
START HAULING STUFF OUT AND PUTTING IT IN THERE
HOW I WANT TO PUT IT IN THERE. - OKAY. MAKE SURE YOU'RE CAREFUL
WITH THOSE. - GIVE ME A MINUTE. - I MEAN REALLY, REALLY CAREFUL. 'CAUSE IF YOU BREAK THEM,
THEY COME OUT OF YOUR PAYCHECK. - THERE'S SOME DAYS
WHEN I GET THIS CLOSE TO SEWING PEOPLE'S MOUTH SHUT. TODAY YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE. - I WOULD SAY I AM.
IT'S MY MERCHANDISE. - OUT THERE, YOU ARE.
IN HERE, YOU'RE NOT. - EVEN IN HERE, I AM. - IF SHE KEEPS IT UP,
SHE'S GONNA HAVE MORE TO WORRY ABOUT
THAN JUST FOSSILS BREAKING. WHAT ELSE GOES
BEFORE I CALL IT A DAY AND PUT THE REST OF THE WALLS UP
AND GO? - YOU'RE NOT DONE YET. - WELL, WE NEED TO HURRY UP, 'CAUSE I NEED TO [bleep] GO. - CHIVALRY IS DEAD,
AND ROY KILLED IT. - ANY OF THEM THAT ARE LIDDED UP
I CAN TAKE? - YEAH.
- YOU SAID ALL THREE OF THEM GO. SO THEY'RE GOING.
- YEAH. - I JUST WISH PEOPLE WOULD HAVE
[bleep] READY WHEN I GET THERE. TAKING TOO [bleep] LONG
TO DO THIS [bleep]. I MEAN, SHE CAN'T BE
MUCH OLDER THAN MARC, BUT SHE'S SLOWER THAN MARC. - UH, THANK YOU? [drill whirring] - ONCE YOU GET DOWN THERE, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIND ME. - NO, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO FIND ME. - UH-UH. - THERE'S PLENTY MORE ROOM
FOR OLD BONES IF SHE KEEPS YAPPING. - MAKE SURE YOU BE CAREFUL.
- YUP. - 'CAUSE I'M OUT OF BUSINESS
IF THOSE GET BROKE. - IT'S NOT THE SHIPMENTS THAT MAKES THIS JOB HARD;
IT'S THE PEOPLE. I MEAN, THEY KNOW PEOPLE ARE SHOWING UP
TO PICK STUFF UP. THEY OUGHT TO HAVE IT READY. narrator:
NEXT ITEM UP FOR BID: TWO ELF BIKES. [bell ringing] E.L.F.s.
WHAT THE [bleep] IS THAT? - "ELF" STANDS FOR
"ELECTRIC, LIGHT, AND FUN." THESE ARE LEGALLY A BICYCLE. IT RUNS ON ELECTRIC POWER
AND PEDAL. - ELF BIKES. ARE THESE JUST BIKES
FOR REALLY LITTLE PEOPLE? - SO THESE TWO ELFs
ARE GOING TO SOME OF THE FIRST
EARLY ADOPTERS THAT SUPPORTED THE COMPANY. - I'M UP AGAINST A DEADLINE TO BRING IT TO A BIG
BIKING FESTIVAL THAT BRINGS PEOPLE
FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY. I'M HOPEFUL THAT THIS BIKES
COMES AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. - IT'S BEEN MONTHS THAT I'VE
BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ELF. IF THIS THING
DOESN'T ARRIVE IN TIME, I'M GONNA BE REALLY
DISAPPOINTED. narrator:
THESE SUPERCHARGED CYCLES MUST TRAVEL OVER 1,200 MILES
FROM DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA, TO THEIR ANXIOUS NEW OWNERS LOCATED IN IOWA
AND ILLINOIS. - YOU KNOW,
I RIDE A LOT OF BIKES, AND I'D LOVE
TO RIDE THESE. I'LL HAUL BIKES
ALL DAY LONG. - THESE ARE IN DURHAM? THAT'S NEARLY MY BACKYARD. - THEY'RE LIGHT.
THEY HAVE WHEELS. THIS IS PERFECT. 3,500. - THIS LOAD
IS PERFECT FOR US. - 3,450. - I HOPE THIS COMPANY MAKES
SOLAR-POWERED BABY STROLLERS. - REALLY?
A DOLLAR? - IT'S TIME TO SHAKE THINGS UP. - [bleep]. - IDIOT. THE MONEY STINKS. - JARRETT'S NOT DOING MATH. IT'S TIME TO RUN AWAY. WE'RE OUT. - THIS IS WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT. - 2,600. I'VE GOT TO GET THIS ONE. - I'M EATING
AND EARNING FOR TWO. - CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED. - ROY BEAT ME
ON THE LAST ONE. I AM NOT LOSING TO JEN. - 2,525. - JARRETT, YOU ARE NOW DEALING
WITH A MAMA BEAR. I WILL MAUL YOU. RAWR. - I GOT BEAT BY ROY<i> AND</i> JEN? - RAWR. I'VE GOT TO MAKE AS MUCH MONEY
AS I CAN RIGHT NOW. I'VE GOT A FAMILY
I HAVE TO SUPPORT. NO, I CAN'T BE DOING THIS
TILL I GO INTO LABOR, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE ME
JUST TO SIT ON MY BUTT AND NOT DO ANYTHING. - WHAT?
THAT IS EXACTLY LIKE YOU. - OH, I SEE 'EM. OH, MY GOSH.
THEY'RE SO CUTE. - HEY, JEN.
ROB COTTER. - NICE TO MEET YOU.
- GOOD TO MEET YOU. - BEFORE WE GET STARTED,
I HAVE TO PEE. - WHOA, JEN, TMI.
TMI. - ALL BETTER?
- I'M BETTER, YEAH. - NICE.
- I'M EXCITED. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
THESE LITTLE BIKES. - YEAH, SO THESE ARE
SOLAR POWERED. THEY HAVE AN ELECTRIC MOTOR, BUT THEY'RE ALSO PEDAL,
AND THE ELECTRICITY MAKES THIS SCOOT ALONG AT BETWEEN
20 AND 30 MILES AN HOUR. - THEY LOOK SUPER COOL. I JUST HOPE
I CAN DELIVER THEM ON TIME. SO WE CAN PUT THAT BACK WHEEL
AGAINST THIS CORNER. IF WE CAN GO AHEAD
AND JUST GRAB THE OTHER ELF... I'M JUST MOVING
A LITTLE SLOWER THAN YOU ARE. SORRY. THESE THINGS
ARE BARELY LOADED, AND I AM ALREADY EXHAUSTED. THIS IS GONNA TAKE A WHILE,
I THINK. - THAT EXPLAINS IT. JARRETT'S BEEN PREGNANT
FOR YEARS. LET ME TELL YOU,
PREGNANCY BRAIN IS REAL. - MAJOR ISSUE, JUST GETTING
THERE AS FAST AS YOU CAN. WE'RE KIND OF, LIKE,
A FEW MONTHS BEHIND GETTING THESE VEHICLES
OUT THERE. HOPEFULLY YOU CAN PICK UP
THAT SLACK. - SERIOUSLY? THE GUY KNOWS I'M PREGNANT,
RIGHT? OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
MORE STRESS. - WHAT'S A LITTLE STRESS, RIGHT?
- THAT'S RIGHT. - WHAT'S A LITTLE
MISSED DEADLINE, RIGHT? I'M WORN OUT. DOING THIS PREGNANT IS TOUGH. I HAVE TO PEE. ON TOP OF THAT, I'M SWEATING,
AND I'M HUNGRY AND... I'M TRYING TO PUSH THROUGH, BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF I CAN DO THIS RUN. [groans] I'M NEVER GONNA GET THERE. - SO I'M GOING
TO A RENAISSANCE FAIR. GOT LUCKY. I FOUND ANOTHER LOAD
GOING TO IT. BASICALLY ON ITS WAY. HOPEFULLY IT'S JUST
QUICK AND SIMPLE, SWING IN AND GRAB IT AND GO. HOW YOU DOING?
- SAMUEL. - SAMUEL? I'M ROY. - SO WE DON'T HAVE EVERYTHING
IN BINS YET, BUT THIS IS EVERYTHING
THAT'S GOING. - THESE MORONS ARE GONNA KEEP ME
FROM MAKING THEIR DEADLINE. I'M ABOUT DONE DEALING
WITH THESE WACK JOBS. - ALL I ASK IS THAT MY CUSTOMERS
HAVE EVERYTHING READY TO GO. ALL THIS IS PUTTING ME
BEHIND SCHEDULE. [bleep], I JUST WISH HE HAD
THE [bleep] THING READY FOR ME. - SO, ROY, YOU EVER BEEN
TO A RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL? - NEVER. - YOU REALLY WOULD
ACTUALLY FIT IN PRETTY WELL. - HMM. - THE ONLY PLACE
ROY WOULD FIT IN IS BACKSTAGE
AT A TED NUGENT CONCERT. [drill whirring] - PERFECT,
JUST LIKE ME. - JUST LOOK
FOR THE BLACK CASTLE. IT'S THE ONLY BLACK SHOP
AT THE RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL. - IT'S THE ONLY BLACK ONE THERE? - YOU'LL SEE IT.
IT'S A BLACK CASTLE. - YOU KNOW, BLACK,
LIKE YOUR TRUCK... OR YOUR HEART OR YOUR LUNGS. - BE SURE THAT YOU'RE THERE
ON TIME. I HAVE TO LOOK GOOD. HAVE TO MAKE SURE
EVERYTHING'S THERE EARLY. WE GOT THE KING OF THE RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL
COMING IN. OUR REPUTATION
IS DEPENDING ON THIS. - EARLY ISN'T A PROBLEM. WASTING MY TIME IS. HE STARTED TO GET ON MY NERVES AND KEEP PUSHING
ABOUT DEADLINES. IT'S [bleep] RIDICULOUS. - HERE I GO
ONCE AGAIN. GOT TO PEE. DOING THIS JOB WHILE PREGNANT
IS HARD. SERIOUSLY, I'M PEEING, LIKE,
EVERY FIVE MINUTES. PEOPLE MIGHT CRITICIZE ME FOR
DOING THIS WHILE I'M PREGNANT, BUT MY AUNT,
SHE LIVES ON A RANCH, AND SHE WORKED
UP UNTIL SHE GAVE BIRTH. IMAGINE BACK IN THE DAY. WOMEN WORKED A LOT HARDER THAN I'M WORKING RIGHT NOW. - JEN, NO ONE'S
ACCUSING YOU OF WORKING HARD. - I'M STRESSED. I'M ABOUT TO DROP OFF
THE FIRST ELF BIKE, AND I'VE GOT TO DO IT QUICK, BECAUSE ME PEEING,
STOPPING AND EATING, IT'S REALLY, REALLY
PUT ME BEHIND SCHEDULE. - HELLO, JEN. - NICE TO MEET YOU.
- WELL, THANK YOU. - ARE YOU EXCITED
ABOUT SEEING THIS? - I AM VERY EXCITED
ABOUT SEEING THIS. HOLY SMOKES. OH, THAT'S BIGGER
THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS. - SO, BILL, I'M SORRY
I WAS LATE. I'M PREGNANT, SO... - HUH, NOW, THERE'S AN EXCUSE
I HAVEN'T USED YET. - ALL RIGHT, JUST LOOKING AROUND
THEN, SEE IF... THAT LOOKS LIKE
THERE'S A LITTLE... SOME SORT OF DAMAGE
RIGHT HERE. - I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T SEE IT. - WELL, IF YOU DIDN'T SEE IT, THEN I GUESS IT ISN'T A PROBLEM. - THIS IS ONE
OF THE FIRST ONES MADE. IF IT WAS ALL PERFECT,
IT WOULDN'T BE AS MUCH FUN. SO OTHER THAN THAT,
EVERYTHING LOOKS ALL RIGHT. - IT WAS LATE
AND HAD DAMAGE? I GUESS PREGNANCY
HAS ITS PERKS. - ALL RIGHT,
SEE YOU IN A LITTLE WHILE. - OKAY.
BYE, BILL. [horn honks] OH, [bleep]. THAT WAS-- [laughs] OKAY, COME BACK.
COME HERE. I NEED TO GET PAID. - JEN,
I HATE TO BREAK THIS TO YOU. HE AIN'T COMING BACK. - I REALLY NEED
TO GET ON THE ROAD SO I CAN DROP
THE SECOND BIKE OFF, AND I CAN'T BE LATE. I'M ALREADY RUNNING LATE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? OH, MY GOSH.
[laughs] - OH, I LOVE IT.
- GLAD BILL HAD SOME FUN. NOW I NEED TO GET PAID
AND GET OUT OF HERE. - OH, I'M VERY SATISFIED
WITH THIS, AND I UNDERSTAND
YOU GOT TO GET GOING. I GOT THE PAYMENT FOR YOU. THERE YOU GO.
- THANK YOU, BILL. IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.
GIVE ME A HUG. ALL RIGHT, HOPEFULLY YOU
HAVE A BLAST WITH THIS THING. THANK YOU.
- DRIVE SAFE. - ALL RIGHT.
- BYE-BYE. - GOD, I AM SO GLAD
THAT BILL IS HAPPY, BUT I'VE REALLY GOT
TO MAKE UP A LOT OF TIME. - MY GPS SAYS I SHOULD SEE IT
HERE SHORTLY. - DESTINATION ON LEFT. - THEY SAY
IT'S A PRETTY BIG PLACE. I'M ON A CRUSADE
TO FIND THAT BLACK CASTLE, DUMP THIS [bleep
AND GO. [bleep]. - LADIES OF THE SWORD,
SALUTE. [drum music, people singing] - CAN WE SHUT THESE [bleep]
PEOPLE UP A LITTLE BIT? WHERE THE [bleep] AM I AT?
[bleep]. I DON'T SEE
A BLACK CASTLE ANYWHERE. "BIG BLACK CASTLE. ONLY BLACK CASTLE
ON THE PROPERTY," HE SAYS. I'M SICK AND TIRED
OF PEOPLE WASTING MY TIME. WELL, I'M ALMOST AT THE END
OF THAT. ALMOST AT THE END OF IT. IT'S A BIG BLACK CASTLE. ONLY ONE ON THE PROPERTY,
AND I DON'T SEE ONE. I AIN'T SEEING A [bleep] THING. AIN'T NO CASTLE,
NO [bleep] NOTHING. [bleep], WELL, I'M [bleep] TIRED
OF WALKING AROUND THIS [bleep] PLACE ALREADY. - WHERE'S MY STUFF?
- [bleep] THE KING. ONE OF THESE LOADS IS COMING OFF
MY TRAILER RIGHT NOW. - LET'S GET THIS [bleep]
UNLOADED. - SHE FOUND ME FIRST,
AND I AIN'T GOT TIME TO WASTE. SCREW THE OTHER GUY. - I SURE HOPE
THOSE BIG PIECES AREN'T BROKEN. - I THINK THEY'LL BE ALL RIGHT. GET OFF THE SIDE OF MY TRAILER. - AW, SIR [bleep]-A-LOT
IS GETTING HIS ARMOR IN A WAD. - YOU'RE A NICKEL HOLDING UP
A DOLLAR. GET OUT OF THE WAY. - THESE ARE BIG MONEYMAKERS. THEY BETTER BE PERFECT. - WIZARD? WIZARD? - I'M AS CLOSE TO GOD
AS YOU'RE EVER GONNA GET. - I'VE GIVEN LIFE.
I'VE TAKEN LIFE. GET THE [bleep] OUT OF MY WAY. - WHAT THE BLOODY [bleep]? - I WENT AND LOOKED FOR YOU, AND THERE WAS NO BLACK CASTLE
ANYWHERE WHERE I LOOKED. SO JUST GO BACK OVER THERE.
JUST GO AWAY. IF THIS CHUMP WOULD HAVE TOLD ME
EXACTLY WHERE THE CASTLE WAS, HIS [bleep] WOULD BE OFF
MY TRAILER ALREADY. - WE HAVE A DEADLINE TO MEET.
- GO AWAY. - THE KING'S COMING
TO THE SHOP. CAN YOU DO 30 MINUTES? - NOW HE WANTS ME TO RUSH FOR HIM? THE [bleep]'S WRONG WITH YOU? - CAN YOU DO 30 MINUTES? - I THINK YOU'D BETTER GO AWAY. THIS GUY CAN KISS MY [bleep]. IF THIS CHUMP WOULD HAVE TOLD ME
EXACTLY WHERE THE CASTLE WAS, HIS [bleep] WOULD BE OFF
MY TRAILER ALREADY. - I'VE GOT 30 MINUTES.
- GO AWAY. GO BACK AROUND THE CORNER
WHERE YOU BELONG. I'LL BE WITH YOU
IN A MINUTE. [rock music] ♪ ♪ - OKAY, GOOD. I NEED TO MAKE SURE THERE ARE NONE OF 'EM BROKEN
BEFORE I PAY YOU. - OKAY. I USUALLY
DON'T WAIT FOR MY MONEY, BUT I'LL WAIT
FOR A FEW MINUTES. - IT'S GONNA TAKE ME ALL DAY.
- THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM. 'CAUSE I AIN'T COME BACK
FOR MY MONEY. YOU'RE PAYING ME TODAY. - I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER MET ANYBODY THAT RUDE. - WELL, LET US
INTRODUCE YOU TO SIR ROY GARBER, LORD OF THE ILL-TEMPERED
AND SELF-SERVING. - ARE WE GOOD? - DO NOT PAY THAT MAN WITHOUT
LOOKING AT THOSE FOSSILS. DO NOT. - [sighs] YEAH, WE'RE GOOD. - [sighs] - HERE'S THE MONEY.
I'M PAID IN FULL. THANK YOU.
HAVE A NICE DAY. - YOU TOO. DON'T LET THOSE GUYS
BEAT YOU UP. - [bleep] RIDICULOUS. - I'M TRYING TO MAKE UP TIME. HOPEFULLY I CAN GET THERE
SOONER THAN I THOUGHT, BUT I'VE ALREADY GOT
TO FILL UP FOR DIESEL OR I'LL BE
ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. AND IT'S HARD TO MAKE UP TIME WHEN ALL YOU THINK ABOUT
IS PICKLES. AFTER I FILL UP, I'VE GOT TO GET SOME FOOD AND SOME WATER AND MAYBE SEE
IF THEY'VE GOT SOME PICKLES. - OH, TRUST ME, HONEY,
THOSE PICKLE CRAVINGS ARE THE WORST. - [shrieks] FOUND A PICKLE. [buzzer blares] NOW I SHOULD GET OUT OF THIS DEADLINE PICKLE. I LOVE THE VINEGAR. - I'VE NEVER BEEN PREGNANT,
BUT THAT'S JUST GROSS. - [sighs] MY CRAVINGS HAVE GONE AWAY. - HELLO.
YOU FINALLY MADE IT. - HI, ARE YOU ROLF?
- YES. - YOU WANT TO COME LOOK
AT YOUR ELF BIKE? - SURE.
OH, THERE WE GO. - YOU NEED ME TO HELP? - NOBODY EVER OFFERS
TO HELP ME. MAN, I GOT TO GET PREGNANT. - IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE TO LOOK AT IT
A LITTLE BIT. OH, WE DO HAVE A SCRAPE. - [groans]
MY BELLY. - UH... UH, WELL, THAT'S NOT
A BIG ENOUGH DING FOR ME TO WORRY ABOUT. - WELL, GOOD.
WELL, I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT. - I THINK THAT'LL BE
THE RIGHT AMOUNT. ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.
- THANK YOU. - I'M GONNA TAKE OFF NOW
'CAUSE THE-- MY FRIENDS ARE WAITING FOR ME. - I KNEW BETTER THIS TIME: MONEY, THEN THE JOYRIDE. [laughs] - WELL, YOU CAN
KISS MY [bleep]. IF I CAN'T FIND HIS PLACE AND THEN SOMEBODY ELSE
COMES IN... I'M DELIVERING TWO LOADS HERE. I DON'T REALLY
GIVE A [bleep]. WELL, THERE'S A BLACK CASTLE
RIGHT THERE. - TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH. - LUCKY I'M EVEN HERE,
MOUTHY [bleep]. - WE HAD AN ACCORD, SIR.
- WE STILL DO. YOU KNOW, YOU GOT
SOME STRANGE PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND HERE. - TO EACH HIS OWN. MINIONS, ASSISTANCE IS REQUIRED. MAKE HASTE.
THE KING IS ON HIS WAY. OKAY, LOOK, WE HAVE
TO REALLY HURRY THINGS ALONG. THE KING IS COMING.
- OKAY, LET'S GO. YOU ONLY GOT THREE OF 'EM TO GO. - WE STILL HAVE TO SET UP SHOP.
GREAT. - MOUTHY [bleep]. - WELL, I KNOW
YOU THINK YOU'RE THE KING, BUT THE REAL KING
IS ON HIS WAY. - I AM THE REAL KING. - NO, NO, ROY, YOU'RE THE DUKE
OF [bleep]. - I CERTAINLY HOPE THAT YOU'RE
READY FOR INSPECTION. - MY LORD.
THE KING HAS ARRIVED. all: HUZZAH! - EXCELLENT.
LET'S SEE YOUR WARES. LET US SEE. WELL, SAM, I THINK
THAT LORD GARBER SHOULD BE PROCLAIMED LORD
OF VAST AND TIMELY DELIVERIES. - YOU MEAN LORD
OF SHORT-FUSED TEMPERS, RIGHT? - GIVE HIM THE MONEY, SAM. - AS YOU SAY, MY LORD. - SIGN THAT, WOULD YOU? - AS YOU SAY, MY LORD. - HAVE A GOOD ONE, GUYS. MAN, THESE PEOPLE
ARE [bleep] WACKED. narrator: ROY BROUGHT IN
A TOTAL OF $1,890 FOR THE FOSSILS
AND THE ARMOR. BUT AFTER EXPENSES,
HE DROVE AWAY WITH $1,151 FOR A THREE-DAY RUN. JENNIFER FARED BETTER
ON HER RUN. SHE BROUGHT IN $2,500
FOR THE ELF BIKES. AND AFTER EXPENSES,
SHE WALKED AWAY WITH $1,720 FOR HER THREE-DAY RUN. - I HAVE TO GO PEE. DRIVING ONE OF THESE ELF BIKES WOULD SAVE ME A LOT
IN GAS MONEY... I WANT MY DILL PICKLE. AND MORE MONEY
FOR PICKLES. THEY ONLY HAD
HOT PICKLES. - THE ONLY THING HE'S MISSING
IS A REAL SWORD. - DON'T HAND ME A SWORD IF YOU DON'T WANT ME
TO USE IT. SO I CAN BE KING NOW?
- DO YOU HAVE THE STATURE? - TAKE ONE MORE STEP CLOSER,
AND I'LL BE KING.
