“Relationships have been
on the decline since women came out of the cave, looked around and said,
‘this isn’t so hard.’” What’s our problem with single women
over a certain age? “I hate it when you’re the only
single person at a dinner party and they all look at you
like you’re a…” “Loser.”
“Leper.” “Whore.” Starting in 1998,
Sex and the City took on this question through
edgy plotlines about single life that were previously
considered taboo for TV, and, most of all, through
the character of Samantha Jones. “I’m a try-sexual.
I’ll try anything once.” This erotically adventurous
woman in her 40s embodied the revolutionary
sexual freedom and independence that Sex and the City stood for
when it premiered. “I never leave underwear
at a guy’s place because I never see it again.” “What happens to it?” “Nothing. I just never go back.” But while Samantha quickly
became a pop culture icon and viewers to this day
love to watch her unapologetic bachelorette lifestyle, it seems that many don’t actually
want to live it in real life. When a 2017 Buzzfeed quiz
asked readers which of the four Sex and the City
leading ladies was their favorite, Samantha won with 35% of the vote. However, when a different
2018 Buzzfeed quiz asked which Sex and the City lady
readers saw themselves as, Samantha came in
fifth out of six places with just 8% of the vote. “I’m a lovely person. At least get to know me,
then hate me!” Fans of the series
tend to enjoy Samantha but don’t actually
want to be “a Samantha.” And this is largely because
our culture has trained us to see her promiscuity
and independence as a phase rather than a respectable,
permanent way of life a woman might willingly choose. “Is she still bar-hopping
and bed-hopping? It’s so sad, isn’t it?
When that’s all you have?” Here’s our Take on why fans
love the idea of Samantha Jones, but don’t necessarily want to be her—
at least not forever. You're watching The Take.
Let us know your take! Thank you to Skillshare
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of Skillshare Premium Membership. So become a member today,
and start exploring your creativity for less than ten dollars a month. Before Sex and the City, shows about single
30-something women were few and far between,
with a few notable exceptions like That Girl,
The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and Murphy Brown. Sex and the City went further
than any of its predecessors by showing and talking about
the sex lives of complex single women over the age of 30. “I’m sort of a sexual anthropologist” The show includes episodes
on Miranda considering an abortion, Carrie’s affair with a married man,
and Charlotte’s addiction to the Rabbit. “I'd rather stay home
with the Rabbit than go out, deal with men.” But it was Samantha’s sex scenes
and romantic plotlines that were and still are by far the most edgy
and explicit throughout the series. According to Ceros’ Sex and the City
by the numbers article, Samantha uttered 210 profanities
over the show’s 6-season run and was featured in 40
of the series’ 96 total sex scenes. Though Carrie was
the show’s protagonist, it was through Samantha
that the show actually pushed the boundaries
of how female sexuality is portrayed on screen. Samantha represents
an authentic version of the “Bachelorette” trope
that’s remarkably rare onscreen. “A Manhattan legend.
Straight. Steadfastly single. And, sexually, very active.
In short: the male Samantha.” Carrie, Charlotte, and Miranda are all also single
at numerous points in the series, but it’s only Samantha
who is committed to being a bachelorette
and staying that way. “I don’t want to get married.” “Ever?” She’s unapologetically promiscuous, sharing details of her sex life
that most women— or even men— wouldn’t dare to discuss out loud. “And then he pretended
to tie my hands behind my back... I tell you, it is so refreshing
to be with someone who likes to fuck outside of the box.” “...And this is my friend Samantha.” She purposely avoids
serious relationships, mocks the idea of monogamy,
and genuinely loves being independent. “At my age, my mother had three kids
and a drunk husband.” “You just have three drunk friends.” “By choice!” Typically, single female characters onscreen
fall into four distinct categories. The first type
of single female character is cynical about all
romantic relationships, and needs to be convinced
by the right man. “Your sister doesn’t date.” “And I don’t intend to.” The second type is a stressed-out single mom
or career woman who believes she simply doesn’t have time
for a serious relationship. "I've got a big day." "You've always got a big day. Even on the weekends,
you have a big day. You can't let this job be your life." The third type is painted
as an older, sexless spinster, uninterested in sex or romance, which is implied
to be fitting for her years. “But you are not married, Aunt March. “That's because I'm rich.” And finally, the fourth type
is the single woman who doesn’t want to stay that way
and desperately hopes to find “the one.” “Why does she deserve
to get married, and I don't?” Despite their differences, what all four of these
single female character tropes have in common is that eventually
they realize or admit they do want a committed,
long-term relationship. In Sex Education,
Maeve Wiley initially says: “You know in rom-coms,
when the guy finally realizes he's in love with the girl, and he turns up with a boom box
outside her house, blasting her favorite song,
and everyone in the audience swoons? Yeah, that makes me sick.” But later in that exact same episode,
she’s totally charmed when her love interest
does exactly that by serenading her
in front of the whole school. "Will you please be my girlfriend?" In Gilmore Girls,
Lorelai seems like the totally self-sufficient single mom, but she admits that she worries
about never having the picture-perfect life
with a house and a husband. “I’m never gonna have it.
The whole package. I really want it.” Even Miranda, one of Samantha’s
single female counterparts on Sex and the City, prides herself on buying
her own apartment only to have a panic attack
over the fear of dying alone later in the same episode. “I’m all alone, Carrie. The first people on my
‘call in case of emergency list’ are my parents,
and I don’t like them. And they live in Pennsylvania!” Samantha’s refusal to be boxed in
by any of these tropes, or to share their assumption
that eventually singledom ends, makes her the remarkably
rare character who’s genuinely a bachelorette. “Marriage doesn't guarantee
a happy ending, just an ending.” It’s also significant that Samantha
is the oldest woman of the Sex and the City ladies, spending most of the series
in her 40s and turning 50 in the first movie. While the show appeared
to challenge the idea that women had to settle down through following four
single women over 30, notably Carrie, Charlotte,
and Miranda do still end up in happy, settled relationships
by around the time they hit that next milestone,
their 40th birthdays. “I think I may be
falling in love with you.” “I've been falling for you
since the moment we met.” So their single status at most
helped elongate the phase in which our culture deems it acceptable
for women to remain single. Samantha, on the other hand,
completely rejects the foundational idea that a single woman is only
“acceptable” up to a certain age at all. “You’ve got to grab 35
by the balls and say: hey world, I’m 35!” “Okay, calm down,
Auntie Mame.” So if Sex and the City
revolutionized TV, it was Samantha Jones
who revolutionized Sex and the City. “If you are a successful saleswoman
in this city you have two choices: you can bang your head against the wall
and try and find a relationship, or you can say ‘screw it’ and just go out and have sex
like a man.” It’s no secret that fans
of Sex and the City like to identify with one
of the four leading ladies, often labeling themselves
as a Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha, or Miranda. Each woman fits loosely into
a different stereotype: the heroine, the career woman,
the prude, and the slut. “I think I’m definitely
a Carrie at heart, but like sometimes...
sometimes Samantha kind of comes out. And then, when I’m at school I definitely try
and put on my Miranda hat.” And as the show has aged
and gained new viewers of younger generations, attitudes towards each
of these character types have shifted and evolved. Being labeled
as a career-oriented “Miranda” while the show originally aired
was widely considered undesirable. “Sexy is the thing I try
to get them to see me as, after I win them over
with my personality.” “You win men over
with your personality?” But in recent years,
Miranda has become the “sleeper hit” of Sex and the City, inspiring multiple op-eds
about her inspirational character, a popular Instagram page
dedicated to her best moments, and even a 2019 book entitled: We Should All Be Mirandas: Life Lessons from Sex and the City's
Most Underrated Character. “I want to enjoy my success,
not apologize for it.” “Bravo, honey” Unlike Miranda, Samantha’s character
started as a fan-favorite and has slowly lost popularity. When the show aired,
many viewers applauded Samantha’s radically confident
and overt sexuality. But in recent years, voices have focused more on
shortcomings like her vanity and egocentrism,
with Samantha being described by some as “insensitive,”
guilty of some “pretty toxic behavior,” and even “a cautionary tale.” “If I worried what every bitch
in New York was saying about me, I'd never leave the house.” Rather than interpreting
Samantha’s promiscuity as a sign of her strength,
modern viewers see it as a symptom of her fatal flaw:
a lack of emotional vulnerability. “Maria thinks I have intimacy issues...” “Oh come, on.”
“Oh, well she’s crazy.” “I tried, I really did,
but I’m not a relationship person.” Samantha’s emotional intimacy issues
are apparent from the show’s start, and create recurring problems
into the few serious relationships that she attempts
over the course of 6 seasons. “Let me be here for you.” So, rather than identify
with her character, viewers avoid calling themselves
“a Samantha” because they don’t want to embrace the fatal flaw, as well as the final destination
of permanent singledom, that come along with her label. In numerous movies and TV shows, single women with
emotional intimacy issues are eventually “cured” of this flaw, while their singledom is treated
as the symptom of a personality that needs to be corrected or tamed. At the beginning of Trainwreck, Amy Townsend is portrayed
as a self-proclaimed “sexual girl” who avoids emotional
intimacy at all costs, “Are you comfortable?” “No. No, I’m not.
I don’t really like to spoon.” and she’s viewed as a joke
among family and friends until she meets and starts dating Aaron. After falling in love with him
and quickly ruining their relationship, Amy realizes that she’s only jealous
of married women because she doesn’t believe that she deserves
any love or commitment. “I’m broken.” In literally referring
to herself as “broken,” Amy acknowledges that
the entire point of the film is to fix her immature
and promiscuous single girl ways so that she can embrace love
and finally be happy. “I want to try with you.”
“I want to try, too.” Annie Walker in the movie Bridesmaids and Cece Parekh
in the TV show New Girl have similar character arcs. “He was really sweet
and nice and cute. So, naturally,
I ran out as fast as I could. What’s wrong with me?” Both reject any form
of emotional intimacy by staying in unfulfilling relationships
before realizing that they need to “fix” themselves by letting go
of their bachelorette lifestyles, and committing to serious relationships. “You know,
for the first time in my life, I actually feel like
I want something that lasts.” The way pop culture
typically portrays it, by the age of 35
women need to either grow up and settle down as a wife and mother or banish themselves to life
as lonely and sexless spinsters. “Society views single people
our age as sad and pathetic.” Samantha defies societal expectations
by choosing neither of these options, proving that a single,
sexually active bachelorette over any age can be happy
without having to outgrow her independence or promiscuity. Yet because viewers are trained
to see women’s sexual freedom as a fleeting and immature
phase of life, they hesitate to identify with her. And when, in the movies, Samantha ultimately chooses
singledom over a highly enviable, loving relationship, viewers tend
to look down on and disdain this choice. “You’re gonna find a wonderful woman
who loves being in a relationship.” “What will you find?” “I don’t know.
But that’s a risk I’m willing to take.” Meanwhile, older men’s sexual freedom is far more normalized
in mainstream pop culture. The aging bachelor is a common and,
sadly, far more accepted trope onscreen. “Why do we get stuck
with ‘old maid’ and ‘spinster’ and men get to be
bachelors and playboys?” In fact, Barney Stinson
on How I Met Your Mother has a similar arc to Samantha’s. The series ends with him
getting married, quickly divorcing, and then finding himself
as a lifelong bachelor again. “That woman is half your age.
Haven’t you changed, even a little?” “No. I haven’t!” Although fans and critics were upset
with the How I Met Your Mother finale as a whole, they still accepted
Barney’s ending. “He’s welcome to have
as much sex as he wants, and to have casual, even anonymous sex,
because whatever happens between consenting adults
is their business,” critic Margaret Lyons at Vulture
wrote of Barney’s ending. Sam Rullo at Bustle simply wrote:
“At least he’s happy.” So while aging bachelorette Samantha
is seen as “a sex-crazed vixen,” when aging bachelor Barney
rejects monogamy, it’s excused as an adult’s
chosen route to happiness. “I’m searching, searching for what
I really want in life. And you know what?
I have absolutely no idea what that is.” Another reason viewers don’t want
to model themselves on Samantha is because of how the show
judges her choices. Samantha’s sexuality is often played
on the show as comic relief. And this comes through
in Samantha’s dynamic with the other main three women,
whose constant quips also paint Samantha’s sex life as farce. “What is it about California air?
It makes me sleep so well.” “It's not the air. Your headboard
knocked you unconscious.” When they’re not jesting about her, they’re outright judging
Samantha’s sexual choices. “Is your vagina
in the New York City guidebooks? It should be,
it's the hottest spot in town! It's always open!” Despite the show literally including
the word “sex” in the title, the other three women are far less
sexually adventurous than Samantha. “Sex is something special
that’s supposed to happen between two people
who love each other.” “Or two people who love sex.” “You're such a—” “A what? What am l, Charlotte?” According to
the New York Daily News’ tally, Carrie sleeps with 18 people
throughout the show, Charlotte with 18,
and Miranda with 17. Meanwhile, Samantha
has 41 sexual partners. “How many sexual partners
have you had?” “...I’m counting....
Um, this year?” And the other women make it clear
that they don’t view Samantha’s promiscuity as something
that would be acceptable for themselves. In the fifth season episode
“Cover Girl,” after Carrie walks in on Samantha giving a blowjob
to the delivery man, Carrie panics and later cracks
uncomfortable jokes at Samantha’s expense. “I will not be judged by you or society. I will wear whatever,
and blow whomever I want, as long as I can breathe and kneel.” Yet even when they make up
later in the episode, Carrie’s apology still
contains a judgmental note. “It’s not my personal style, but I really admire your ability
to put your sex life out there.” Although Carrie is genuine
in this moment, she reinforces that
Samantha’s sexual openness makes her a woman
to be both admired and laughed at, but not to be emulated. Even if many viewers
don’t want to be “the Samantha” of their friend group, there actually is a lot
worth emulating in her character. “Don't you wanna judge me,
just a little bit?” “Not my style.” She spends the entire
franchise overcoming her emotional intimacy issues, “You have meant more to me
than any man I’ve ever known.” while also coming
to a secure understanding that her bachelorette lifestyle
isn’t a crutch or inability to change, but a way of staying true to herself
and realizing her full potential. “Hello, my name is fabulous.” Samantha’s first serious boyfriend
on the show is James, who opens her up to the idea
that she could commit to a loving partner. “I think he’s someone
I could actually marry.” When their sex life
doesn’t satisfy her, she chooses singledom
over her relationship, but still, in the season 2 finale,
she tearfully declares, “I miss James!” This is the first time
that Samantha acknowledges that she does, on some level,
want to be able to connect with someone. Samantha’s second serious relationship—
with Maria, a sexy Brazilian artist— quickly ends after Samantha
grows tired of monogamy, “All we ever do is lie around,
take baths together, and talk about feelings.” “I think they call that a relationship.” “I don’t know how you people do it. All that emotional chow-chow,
it’s exhausting.” but this short-lived relationship
represents another step in Samantha’s growth as it helps her better understand
the emotional aspect of sex. “Maria has taught me
how to connect during sex. It’s not just some animal act.
It’s about two people making love.” Later in the same season, Samantha becomes truly vulnerable
for the first time in her relationship with hotel magnate Richard Wright. Her willingness to be monogamous
with Richard and tell him that she loves him, “I love you, Richard.” are key milestones in her
healing her emotional intimacy issues. “I think I have monogamy.
I must’ve caught it from you people.” But when Richard’s infidelity
nearly destroys Samantha, she realizes that her inability
to trust Richard has taken too much of a toll on her health. “I love you, too, Richard.
But I love me more.” Here Samantha begins to understand that she is capable
of emotional intimacy, but her bachelorette lifestyle
is actually truer to who she is. Samantha’s final and most serious
relationship on the show is with young actor Smith, who both offers Samantha
a sexually fulfilling connection and pushes her to embrace her feelings. “Do you know that I didn’t fuck
a single or married guy the whole time Smith was out of town? And I’ll tell you something else...
I missed him.” But in the first Sex and the City movie, as Samantha spies
on her promiscuous neighbor, she can no longer ignore
her desire for her old single ways, and blows up at Smith
when he keeps her waiting. “I’m not the type of woman
who sits home all day waiting for a man!” When she tells her friends
that she feels she should stay in the relationship because
Smith supported her through chemo, Carrie points out: “You just compared
your relationship to chemo.” And it’s accurate that, for Samantha,
monogamy ends up being something of a “cancer”
to her wellbeing. In the end, Samantha realizes
that she has overcome her intimacy issues,
but her emotionally evolved self does not need or thrive
in a monogamous relationship. “I’ve been in a relationship
with myself for 49 years and that’s the one I need to work on.” So Samantha’s growth
ultimately leads her to embrace herself
as an emotionally mature and completely content bachelorette. “I’m fifty-fucking-two
and I will rock this dress.” Even if we don’t aspire
to have her particular life, we could all stand to be
a little bit more like Samantha Jones. “Listen to me! The right guy is an illusion.
You understand that? Start living your lives!” She sets an example to prioritize
our emotional wellbeing in relationships and reject the assumption that
we need to copy others’ life choices or conform to what society
considers “normal” behavior. “Why does everybody have to
get married and have kids? It’s so cliche.” Because to be “a Samantha”
is not to be sex-crazed, promiscuous,
or even necessarily single; it’s to be self-assured,
emotionally evolving, and true to yourself. “I'm also demanding, stubborn,
self-sufficient, and always right. In bed, at the office,
and everywhere else.”
