This is Coach Lee and in this video, I'm
going to talk to you about secrets that your ex doesn't want you to know. Take a
second and click the "Subscribe" button below so that you can be notified when I
have more content that's helpful to your situation and that includes videos on
relationships, breakups, attraction, marriage, mindfulness, and life. So one of
my most popular videos of all time is called, "The mind of your ex during no
contact." It's also called, "what is your ex thinking during no contact" because the
thumbnail and the title are different but it's obviously a look into your ex's
mind because most of you are wanting to know what's going on with my ex, what is
their day filled with, what are they doing, and what are they thinking. I have
another video called "what is my ex feeling during no contact," and I'll link
those videos in the description below. But there is a normal and natural
fascination with what your ex is thinking, feeling, what is going on with
them toward you, do they miss you, do they want you back, and I'm going to talk
about some of those things and some other things that you will probably find
fascinating that will be helpful and will give you a look into what's going
on with your ex and how you might use this to get them back. The first secret
that I want you to know that your ex probably doesn't want you to know is
that when they broke up with you they were most likely not 100% sure. What I
mean by that is is that when someone breaks up with another person, usually
it's the majority of them, but that doesn't mean that they're 100% certain
that this is what they want to do. Sometimes they're only barely sure that
this is what they want to do, but it's enough to make them think they'll go
through with it and so that's good news if you want your ex back because it
means that things could change only slightly and actually have the majority
of them wanting to get back together with you. And one of the things about
life that we all have to become more comfortable with in this modern day
is that we will have doubt about some things and that that does not mean that
we don't act or that we don't come to a conclusion because we're not always
privy to enough information or all the information and there will be room for
doubt but that does not mean that good things can't happen. And so even if
your ex comes to you and there's some doubt, that's still something that can be
built upon and there are a lot of relationships where it's up and down,
that's probably most of them. Where sometimes you even wonder, "Is this person
the right person for me?" And so sometimes people make decisions when they have
those doubts instead of committing to working on the relationship and being in
it for the long term and that's where you need to extend some grace that this
is an imperfect person and that if they do come back to you and say, "I still have
doubts but I love you, I'm willing to try," it doesn't mean that you have to say, "No,
not until you're 100% committed to me and this relationship will I take you
back." That's not what I would suggest if someone loves you and can't stay away
and is honest enough to admit that there are doubts but they're willing to work
on it. That's actually a wonderful sign that this person could be a great
partner for you because they are already familiar with the doubts and you see
there will be doubts. There will be days of doubt, there will be trouble, there
will be arguments, there will be stress there will be times when you don't want
to be around each other and so consider that when and if your ex was to come
back to you and they weren't certain but they wanted to try. Another secret that
your ex probably doesn't want you to know is that they want you holding on.
Your ex likes to think that you are sitting there just wishing you could be
back with them. That you're in back-up- plan mode, that your life is on hold
waiting for them. Now why is that the case? Because your ex does not want to
have to experience the actual consequences and loss of the breakup.
They would like a free pass, which is, if they were to change their mind, they
would like to be able to snap their fingers and get you
back. And when I talk about the no-contact rule one, of the things that I
often point out is, no contact helps take that away from them so they don't have
the convenience of sitting there thinking, "Well I broke up with her," or
"Well I broke up with him. That's no problem though, if I want them back I can get
them back. They're not going to move on. They'll just be waiting for me, forever."
They don't necessarily think of it exactly in those terms. It's more of a
feeling but that's kind of what they want to be the case because if you two
had a good relationship and it had some decent time then your ex is not thrilled
every second that you two are apart. And so what makes those times of doubt, those
times of concern or hurt or missing you easier is if they think you are just so
easily gotten back and they can do it another day, they can take their time,
they can go out with whoever they want. that can do whatever they want because
you are easily gotten back. Now that's not fair because your loyalty is being
used as a license. And that's not fair. It hurts and this person is taking you
for granted and it hurts knowing that for you and it's not good. It's not a
good character quality for them, but it happens.
We're not perfect people. No one is and if that's the case it doesn't mean that
they're not worth being together with. But it does mean, in this moment, that
they probably are thinking in those terms to some degree and that's where
the no contact rule, you staying away and making them experience the consequences
of the break-up instead of giving them a free pass by reaching out to where they
see the text or the missed call and they say, "Oh yeah, she's still in back-up plan
mode," or "He's still in back-up plan mode. It's easy if I want them back so there's
no pressure." That's the wrong kind of "no pressure." I often talk about how you
shouldn't pressure them but, you see, when you try to pressure them one way, you
take away pressure from another area. When you pressure them by telling them
you want to get back together, reminding them you're there that you still love
them, asking them how they're feeling, if they've changed their mind, all those
things, that's the wrong kind of pressure and what it actually does is it takes
away any pressure that they could lose you, any
concern, any pressure that you could move on, that you could be strong enough to
move on and that their mistake could really cost them when they come to their
senses. So your ex does want you holding on. They want that security from you so
that the breakup can be easier. If you give them that security, all you are
doing is enabling them to move on. That's why the no contact rule is so effective,
so good for you and it's so good if you want your ex back because it shows them
you can stay away and if you can stay away, you can move on. What a wonderful
message for your ex to get from you instead of a text message. The number
three secret that I'm going to share that your ex probably doesn't want you
to know is that they will probably test the water. Because if secret number two
which is they want you kind of hanging on, holding on, if they're beginning to
think that might not be the case, they will probably do something. They will
probably reach out in some way, talk to a friend, something to try to reassure
themselves to help their own insecurities about you and if you still
want them back because it's an ego shot. If they think you don't want them back,
it rattles their world because when they broke up with you they felt so
attractive. They're so much more attractive than you that they broke up
with you. You see, that's how it feels and when it seems like you're handling it
okay or you're strong enough to stay away, it rattles their world. "Wait a
minute, am I not as attractive? At least in terms of how attractive they are? Am I
not above that like I thought? Am I a little bit lower on the totem pole maybe?
Are they a little bit higher?" You see how it can mess with their heads and that's
not how you want to get your ex back. You don't want to have to think of it in
terms of playing a game or that you're pulling down their ego or something like
that. And it's really inactivity on your part, so it's not like you're
purposefully doing something that caused it but you kind of are
and you should be comfortable with that because sometimes an ego shot can rattle
you back into reality. So it's not necessarily that
your ex will get back together with you to boost their ego. We don't want that.
You want them to get back together with you because they miss you and love you
but sometimes that ego shot is enough to raise your attraction and value a little
bit in their eyes, if it had lowered, and just let them see things a little more
in terms of reality that going forward without you may seem like it's easy
until you get a sense of what's really going on which is that you can move on
because you're more attractive than they thought.
Secret number four, your ex does not want you to know you reaching out to them
helps them. And this is similar to what I've explained in a couple of the other
secrets. Basically when you reach out to them you are just enabling them to
continue with the breakup but there's more to it than that. When you reach out
to them, you give them some of your company, you give them some of your
presence and so they don't have to feel losing you, they don't have to feel that
loss, they don't have to miss you, they sort of get their fill of you. It's
easier to move forward. It's sort of like gradually breaking up with you. You want
to force them to rip the band-aid off and feel the raw pain. That's what you
need to happen. If you are to have hope of getting them back and rattling them
back into reality by showing them they could lose you and this is going to hurt.
If you don't let it hurt, if you don't show some tough love, you could lose them
and I don't want that for you. So make sure you stay strong, stay away, and make
them experience the breakup. So important. Don't give them a free pass at
your expense. The fifth secret I'm going to talk about is, your ex still thinks
about you. They do because you can't have a long-term relationship with someone
where there was passion and commitment and great memories and just forget about
them. And people are always concerned that their ex is going to forget about
them and one of the things that I talk about in a lot of my videos is, I still
remember people from when I was five years old who I was friends with and who
were important to me. And so that's true in this
situation. Your ex is not just going to lose the memory of you or the memories
you had together. So don't fear that. As a matter of fact, be confident in that. That
if you stay away, that they will basically have to recreate you in order
to experience some of your company and when they have any kind of attachment to
you, that's when they can start to develop separation anxiety after the
breakup which is so important. And if you've seen the movie, "Castaway," with Tom
Hanks, do you remember how he takes that old volleyball that washed up on shore
and it kind of has a hand print on it that kind of looks like a face and he
modifies it a little bit and he basically creates himself a friend to
talk to. That's kind of what your ex will do with
the memories that you two have because if you go into no contact like I've
suggested in so many videos, if you do that, separation anxiety and that loss of
attachment will cause your ex to reflect more even if they don't do it on purpose.
It's almost reflexive and your ex will think about those times when you were
together because they kind of have to recreate you because it doesn't make
sense emotionally at the meeting point of their logic and their emotion that
you have just disappeared and so they think about those moments and if you
stay away they're actually thinking about those times when you were happy
and when you seemed more attractive because as I've talked about before, a
breakup is caused by a drop in emotional attraction. And so you're actually
getting to recreate yourself to remind them of what it was and to build your
own attraction up. So that secret is, your ex does think about you. You haven't just
been erased from their mind. Impossible. The next secret is, your ex still misses
you. Now this does not mean that you should try to figure out when they're
missing you or that they do and then reach out to them. You want them to
experience that pain. That's when they learn that they want you back. That's
when they learn they don't want to miss you. So that's a very important thing to
realize is to refuse to underestimate yourself. You are someone worthy of
being missed and if they had a relationship with you, yes they will. And
the more you stay away, the more they can miss you. If you are not using no contact
and you're still trying to interact with them, then they cannot miss you by
definition. It's impossible. If you're still there, you're making it easier on
them. So don't do that. Be sure to click the "Subscribe" button below. As I continue
through this video, you're going to learn some more but, to be notified that I have
other videos, click the "Subscribe" button, click the notification bell, click the
"like" button, click all those buttons! The seventh secret that I'm going to share with you
that your ex does not want you to know is, your silence is powerful. And so many
of you that I speak to you on coaching calls or who send me emails or comment
on my channel here, you will try to find a way to interact with your ex and to
contact them or to reach out to them. You'll try to find a loophole. I
understand that because it feels like if you can get in there and rattle the cage,
if you can communicate with them, that that's more powerful, that you can
accomplish more, that you have more control. That's what it feels like but in
this situation, it's actually not true. The real Molotov cocktail, the real bull
in the china shop, is that your silence shows that you're strong enough to move on and
that's when they can feel the loss and have to worry that a future without you
is not really what they want. That's what can make them reconsider. Be sure to
click the "Subscribe" button below if this video has been helpful. I'm pulling for
you, I want you to get your ex back, that's why I do these videos. You can
leave a comment below if you have a question or just a comment about the
video and get more information on my Emergency Breakup Kit, I have a link to
it in description below. It's a culmination of my 20 years in the
relationship-recovery service. And you can leave me a tip if this information
was helpful, I have a link below to my tip jar and you can leave me a tip if
this was helpful. This has been Coach Lee and as always, thank you for watching
