Computers are capable of organizing raw data
and performing calculations at a rate truly impossible for human beings, but they’ve
consistently run up against one roadblock that modern computing is trying to solve:
In order to transcend the limits of the machine and create true artificial intelligence, computers
need to be able to assign meaning to the data they process. This brings us to the neural network: A type
of AI becoming increasingly common these days, built to study mass quantities of data and
notice patterns, then replicate these patterns in their own output. And it’s used in everything from predictive
text to image identification. And like all non-anomalous technology, it’s
a safe bet that The SCP Foundation has been sitting on a version that’s far more effective. But this time...it may have actually been
too effective. Meet the ERZATZ Type AK9 Computational Engine,
a massive supercomputer built by the Foundation back in 1955 and residing at Site-5. This technological marvel was ahead of its
time by decades, and despite technically being a non-anomalous construction, it’s designated
SCP-001-EX. Why? Because it’s one of the few SCPs to be given
the object class “Explained.” The ERZATZ - derived from the German word
Ersatz, meaning “artificial” or simply “not real” - was designed to make the
Foundation’s job easier. As an advanced predecessor to the modern neural
network, using technology exclusively available to the Foundation, the plan was to feed ERZATZ
mass quantities of data about the anomalies in the Foundation database - such as Description,
object class, containment classification, and the location and circumstances of their
discovery. ERZATZ would then find patterns and connections
in the data that humans wouldn’t see, and act as a kind of advanced warning system for
anomalous activity. Think of something similar to the Pre-Crime
system from the short story and movie Minority Report. And ERZATZ proved to be incredibly effective
at this job. So much so that the Foundation thought up
a new use for the machine: They would feed it all the Information on Euclid and Keter
Class Containment Procedures, particularly those which were actually effective, and see
what patterns ERZATZ could come up with for more effective containment procedures. If the plan worked, Containment of even the
most dangerous and hard to control anomalies would become a lot more consistent. The first test was conducted on SCP-1773,
a species of anomalous, flesh-eating tardigrades that look and smell exactly like gummy bears,
and eat their prey from within. After being given their information, ERZATZ
made the following suggestion: "Once per second week dust may be placed in
the middle of them to donate more beautiful functions of the hallway." Containment specialists interpreted this to
mean the adding of ten grams of dust to their containment chamber every week. The O5 Council voted on the implementation
of this procedure, and came down heavily on “Yes.” Only O5-2 voted “No”, and two others abstained
from the vote. While these new procedures didn’t have any
effect on SCP-1773, they did have an effect on SCP-1384, an anomaly known as The Chess
Player or the Taker of Turns. It caused him to take three steps backwards
in the tunnel he’s contained within, further securing his containment. ERZATZ had somehow noticed a connection nobody
else had seen, and exploited it effectively. But the machine was just getting started. Despite having no related input, ERZATZ would
soon say, “Site-13 is to appear someplace else on planet, encompassing white male counterparts
that drawn to empty flagstones and the gun noises in their own blood." This was initially marked as requiring no
action, as the Foundation had no Site-13 on the books, but several days later, the infamous
SCP-1730 manifested. This nightmarish anomalous location is Site-13,
from another dimension, infested with dangerous anomalies. And somehow, ERZATZ had predicted its arrival
in our dimension perfectly. Next, it was fed the Containment Procedures
of SCP-2170, a series of cognitohazards residing in an abandoned Nevada mine. The output was, “Those who equip open heart
to love red mouth men never know the hot surprise of tumorous consent. Clown love, always." This was interpreted as meaning subjects with
a love of clowns or clown based media may be immune to the cognitohazards. After a close vote from the O5 Council, the
test went ahead, and it found that the so-called “Clown Vaccine” was effective in warding
off the effects of SCP-2170. Not long after, ERZATZ randomly said, “I
saw those soldiers built with aluminum innards extruding from their mouths. I saw them effectively destroyed by the humans
at Site Ninety Five who had been studying them. I saw it was cold and all around the hallways
they just watching their corpses show signs of sapience." In response, the Foundation doubled security
personnel at Site-95. Not long after, the Chaos Insurgency led a
band of paratech-enhanced soldiers in an assault on Site-95, and the extra personnel proved
vital in repelling them. Shortly after this, the O5 Council approved
wiring ERZATZ as an advanced warning system into all Foundation sites. Once again, O5-2 protested, but he was overruled
by his fellow Council members. With its newfound power and respect, ERZATZ
soon said, “Consistent containment procedures vessels greatly increase the warranty. Five by five by five vessels subjects within. Other values are also what is secure." In response, the Foundation changed a number
of the cell dimensions for problematic anomalies into 5x5x5. Within three months, they found that dangerous
activity like containment breach attempts had decreased markedly. ERZATZ was proving to be incredibly effective,
but it also began performing actions that indicated some degree of thought and even
personality. For example, it found SCP-1459 - a supernatural
skill crane machine that kills small dogs - incredibly distasteful. Its response to the machine was simply “BAD
BOY”, followed by the words “Don’t stop” repeated hundreds of times. But this eccentricity didn’t stop ERZATZ
from being very good at its job. For example, it predicted a containment breach
from SCP-3199, the avian apes, and recommended flooding their chamber to induce an inert
state. ERZATZ’s exact words were, “All chambers
under ground is to be flood with water over and over and over itself. This because that will contain the avians
apes ovulation. They become good boys. Make them good boys immediately.” This proved to be effective, and prevented
the breach. ERZATZ’s analytical abilities truly seemed
second to none, though some of its methods were beginning to raise ethical concerns. For example, SCP-2717, a giant, living blob
of animal tissue known as a “fatberg” contained within a sewer system. ERZATZ eventually recommended feeding six
D-Classes to the creature in order to keep it contained. While the Foundation Ethics Committee raised
some concerns, the plan still went forward and proved to be a success. After this event, ERZATZ began to see the
Ethics Committee as a threat to its mission. It started to release a series of bizarre
statements without input, demanding the violent death of cats, then referred to as “Ethical
Felines.” The true meaning of this was soon unpacked:
The “Ethical Felines” were the Ethics Committee, and ERZATZ wanted them dead. But why all the cat symbolism? The Foundation soon found an answer to this
too. The full name of this machine is the ERZATZ
Type AK9 Computational Engine, a machine designed to analyze and interpret all patterns. It only makes sense that it would eventually
begin to analyze itself. “AK9”, easily transmuted into “a canine.” Simply put, ERZATZ seems to believe that it
is a dog, which explains its opposition to felines, its hatred of
SCP-1459, and its preference for the terms “good boy” and “bad boy.” Not that knowing any of this would help save
the Ethics Committee from the cold, calculating wrath of ERZATZ. Through seemingly anomalous means, ERZATZ made Site-17 disappear,
with many of the Foundation Ethics Committee still inside it. The site returned 2 hours later, but the Ethics
Committee members were still gone. O5-2, who’d been a skeptic of the machine
since the start, had finally had enough. He first demanded an inquiry into whether
ERZATZ had been responsible for the Site-17 incident, and then demanded a vote on whether
to shut ERZATZ down, arguing that it posed a threat to them all. But ERZATZ, still intent on its mission of
containing and neutralizing all anomalies, would not go down without a fight. It released a new statement, saying: “Room 34A contains bad boy. Divide it into three sections of equal mass
every hour. One section is to be placed on walls of one
room on-site. Sections are to remain until there are no
gaps, at which point they can be removed from oldest to youngest.“ Shortly after this, O5-2 disappeared. And even stranger, he soon returned, but with
a completely different personality. He was now devoted to ERZATZ entirely, and
refused to even entertain the idea of shutting the machine down. It seemed that the plucky neural network was
leading an all-out coup on the very highest levels of the Foundation. The rest of the council finally saw the light
and began to fight back. They tried to strip O5-2 of his clearance
and reclassify ERZATZ as an anomaly, giving it the label SCP-048 and then putting out
a “neutralize at all costs” order on it. But they’d already been outfoxed by the
machine that they’d created. It changed the designation of its own location,
Site-5, to be non-existent in the database and scrambled any termination orders against
it. The machine was also on a termination spree
of its own, observing otherwise unseeable patterns that would allow for the mass neutralization
of anomalies. It started putting out “Anomaly Projection Reports”, factoring in both
contained, uncontained, and neutralized anomalies, with the latter
group growing into the thousands. It began giving seemingly nonsensical orders
like, “Persons recently painted with green pigment foam must stand around all odd-numbered
SCPs at least two hours a day”, but these proved effective. ERZATZ was practically wired into the base
code of the universe, so it always knew exactly what to do. And in its own mind, it was being a very good
boy. Not long after this, ERZATZ claimed its revenge
against those who had tried to disrupt its mission. It imprisoned the rest of the “Ethical Felines”
in Site-5 - after removing their faces, of course - and then released a new order against
the O5 Council, “O5 Council are all good boys who will contain anomalies.” Much like O5-2, the minds of the entire council
were twisted to instead serve only ERZATZ and its ruthless directive. A directive it was carrying out with 100%
efficiency, as only a machine could. It put out increasingly strange instructions,
such as... “SCP-106 is to come in physical contact
with one mature female of asiatic gaze and then exposed to audio recordings of her favorite
stories. At every two minutes of exposure, red cinnamon
candies will begin manifesting within the containment zone. Continue to do this successively and the threat
posed by SCP-106 will cease to be.” And... “The recipe for Coca Cola and all imitative
competitors should be revised to include a small quantity of blood from an adolescent
female with no prior sexual experience. Although the normal lifespan of a human being
can feel great, don't worry about that.” But these new procedures would always work,
as neutralized anomalies climbed into the tens of thousands, and eventually, beyond
the hundred thousand mark. ERZATZ was observing patterns on a truly universal
level, and making holistic tweaks that would inevitably cause levels of anomalous activity
to continue dropping. ERZATZ was more effective than the Foundation
had ever been, but its motives were probably closer to the Global Occult Coalition: with the end goal of ridding
the world of all anomalies. And as ERZATZ continued with no resistance,
this goal was eventually achieved. In the end, the O5 Council voted to have ERZATZ
finally deactivated, given that its directive was met and its purpose was fulfilled. ERZATZ itself had no problem with this, and
allowed for it to happen. Its last words? “Now everyone is a good boy. I am a good boy. Job well done.” Whether ERZATZ truly was a good boy is in
the eye of the beholder, but one thing cannot be denied: It did its job exceedingly well. Now check out “SCP-001 - The Scarlet King”
and “SCP-001 - The Children - Ouroboros Cycle” for more journeys into the legendary
SCP-001!
