- Please welcome Sarah Silverman. - Sarah Silverman. - Congratulations, doll. (audience cheering) - How about a hand for our host for tonight, Seth Rogen. (audience applause) Isn't he round? (audience laughs) Can't tell if this is a Deus or a line to suck Judd Apatow's balls. (Seth Rogan laughs) It's so dewy. What is this? The Comedy
Central audit of James Franco? (audience laughs) I saw the movie, The Guilt Trip Seth what was it like working
with Barbra Streisand? And how did you two tell each other apart? (audience laughs) Like, did one of you wear a carnation or was it something like that? Seth's parents actually met at a kibbutz. If you don't know what a kibbutz is it's a community in
Israel where apparently they don't allow abortions. (audience laughs) Right before the show started
Seth rolled a gigantic fatty, because that was
the only way we could get Jonah Hill on to the stage. (audience applause and laughter) Jonah Hill is here. I love Jonah. Jonah is such a jew-y dick. You have to watch his movies
through a hole in a sheet (audience laughs) Jonah actually gained 50
pounds for his role in the new Martin Scorsese film because the producers wanted the character to
be a Jonah Hill type. (audience laughter) But he's slimmed down a lot last year But what Jonah lost in
weight, he gained in weight (audience laughs) Jonah, on a scale from 1
to 10, do you own a scale? (audience laughs) But seriously, you've had
such a body transformation in the past couple years.
You've come a long way from just being Sonny and Cher's daughter. (audience laughs) Natasha Leggero everybody. I love Natasha so much. This is Natasha's first roast you guys. She's like a little chihuahua
because she's teeny tiny, and she's feisty, and she's
filled with Mexican DNA . (audience laughs) Just to be clear, when I say
'filled with Mexican DNA' I mean, she's filled with
the cum of Mexican people (audience laughs) Like, from tons of Mexican
gentlemen cumming inside her vast vagina and also
from her guzzling cum. I just didn't want there
to be a misunderstanding. Speaking of browni-ish
people, Aziz Ansari is here. I have been a huge
supporter of Aziz for years and for only the price of a cup of coffee. (audience laughs) By the way Aziz can't stay all night he's gotta get back in the cupboard. When -- (audience laughs) Tonight is about our man of the hour. Mr. James Edward Franco. Sitting to my right. James recently won the ally award for his support of the LGBT community. It's a prestigious award that's
given anally -- annually. It's given annually. (audience laughs) James is openly a very sexual person. I don't think James is
necessarily gay or straight I think he just -- he literally
can't open his eyes enough to see who he's fucking. (audience laughs) Robert De Niro, Sean Penn, Julia Roberts. These are just some of the huge
stars James has worked with who didn't want to be here tonight (audience laughs) But you landed me and uh,
I'm so lucky for that. Congratulations doll. - Please say hello to the apple of my eye and the plum in my anus, Sarah Silverman. (upbeat music) - You know what, I'm
not going to make fun of Jimmy this year because, you know I don't want him to withhold
his tiny penis from me. But, that's so hacky. He
doesn't have a tiny penis. It looks small next to his gigantic balls. (audience laughs) I can't -- I'm a ball man. (audience cheering) You know how like (audience whistles) You know how a smell can
just totally take you back to a place. Like the other day, I
went into an elevator and it smelled just like the
hallway of my high school. Jimmy's balls smell exactly
like my Nana's house. - They smell like lemons. - Benson and Hedges deluxe
ultra lights and brisket. (audience laughs) God, I miss her. I-- I I dunno, maybe its the other way around. Maybe my Nana's house all these years have smelled like Jimmy's balls. Maybe that's how you know it's the one. (audience laughs) I'll never forget the first
time I saw Jimmy's balls. They were on Adam Carolla's chin. (audience laughs) All right, I'm getting mushy and romantic. That's not what tonight is about at all. Let's talk about the woman of the hour. Pam Anderson. Wow. (audience cheers) Now, I don't really know Pam personally, but I'll never forget the
first time I saw her asshole. (audience laughs) - [Audience Member] And it was rosy pink. - I knew she had that special something. I couldn't put my finger in it. (audience laughs) She's gorgeous of course, you know but even she'll admit that
it takes work, you know? I mean she literally spends hours primping and waxing and bleaching, but enough about her asshole. Let's talk about say, her vagina. It's the only way you can tell
a woman's true hair color. And lucky for you, I actually
caught a glimpse of it backstage while she was
changing and her true hair color bald. Totally bald. (audience cheers) You know a lot of people say,
"Oh Pam Anderson wouldn't be anyone without her tits." I mean that is just not true. It's not true She'd be Paris Hilton. (audience laughs) Andy Dick. Andy. - [Audience Member]
Stay sober. Stay Sober. - Here's to it. - [Sarah Silverman] Andy
is an inspiration to me his body actually turns
cocaine into riboflavin. (audience laughs) A lot of people make jokes
about Andy being gay. I am here to tell you, Andy
is definitely straight. He just asked out Katie Holmes. (audience laughs and cheers) Everybody's doing jokes
about Bea Arthur has a penis. It's so mean and I happen to know for fact that she doesn't have a
penis. She has a vagina, okay? She has a big floppidy, sloppy,
bushy, wiry, gray vagina. (audience cheers) Which reminds me, Courtney Love is here. Who I love. (audience cheers) - I'm trying to steal your boyfriend. - [Sarah Silverman] I know, it's okay. I was like, it's weird, like I was curious to see, like which Courtney
Love was gonna show up you know, the uh, smeared
lipstick, crazy coke whore, or the violent, smeared
lipstick, crazy coke whore. (audience laughs) Wow! No, I'm so glad she's here. I left my crack in my other purse. (audience laughs) - [Courtney Love] I don't
do that anymore Sarah I swear to God it's been a year. - [Sarah Silverman] You got it doll. (audience laughs) But we're here for Pam, who is an amazing special, gorgeous, and kind person who's only here because of a huge donation that Comedy Central agreed to
give to PETA where she works. And she's amazing, especially her work with the one-eyed trouser
snake. Which she did a few years ago. (audience cheers) She actually, um she made a video actually uh, where she um, cradled it in her arms and actually nursed it back
to life with her mouth. All that, and she still has
time to suck Tommy Lee's cock on a yacht in St. Barts. God bless you Pamela and
happy Birthday America. Roasting Bob Saget? I heard that Bob Saget calls
his balls the Olsen Twins. And that's actually, I know
for a fact that's not true because um, he calls them Michelle. Greg Giraldo it's like, I think he's Hispanic. He's like nine different things. He's like nine different nationalities or maybe eight, I don't know is gay a nationality? Norm, Jim Norton, Greg Giraldo. Why don't they just -- they
should have done their roast at the race track, you know? Where Norm works. Oh, who's the like, really pretty little girl from Full House? Oh, um John Stamos. He's hosting it. That should be good. I wish so much that I could
be at the roast in person but I um, I just after everything
I've been through lately I really need to be around
people that make me laugh. (audience laughs) I got Bob's mother to tape something and I just got it, so let's look at it. - Bobby, what a son. (laughs) I was proud of you when
you were bar mitzvahed. And when you got married and
had those wonderful children. And all those millions
you made on Full House and America's Home Videos. Ah, if I had to do it over again I'd probably get an abortion. (audience laughs) - I know that's Bob's mother and it was so sweet of her to do that but I just hate that. I hate when people use words like
"abortion" just for a laugh. You know what I mean?
It's cheap. It's like it's lazy comics just getting a laugh with shock value especially when it comes
to Susie Essman's (beep). (upbeat dance music)
