Sam Feher | Not Skinny But Not Fat

you guys Sam's here hi I'm so excited I'm excited too let's tell people what happened when you walked in you walked in your hair is flawless I got insecure I just brush it it like she no no no no no she came in she goes Rat's Nest even though every strand is literally perfect every time I walk out the door of my apartment there there could be no wind I could be in a vacuum and there's like a knot at the back of my neck that I need to get rid of but it looks perfect thank you but your hair looks perfect so but I got inse secure I put it up and then you came back you're like you're so fake down F and I love it amazing I love it for us anyway so she made me I did and it looks great up the top nicely and also I think that it's an interesting fact that you get your hair done in Jersey by a 100y old I sure do um people are going to ask I mean don't people ask you on Instagram yeah yes and I actually gatekeep I'm not much of a gatekeeper like I love you're not trying to have them go to your 100-year-old and like they're kind of my family they've been with my family since my grandmother's wedding day in 1952 like my original hairdresser at this Salon did my grandmother's hair in her kitchen on her wedding day in 52 so these people are like my grandparents essentially they know everything about me everything about my family it's just like too close to home it's like I don't really want you don't tag them well they're not really like a social media Salon like they're not onam pay you pay yes I pay but can I ask how much it cost in Jersey by 80 something year olds um between myself and my mom yeah it's only like 500 or so like both of you together both of us for highlights I get a cut that's cheap a glaz that's cheap for anywhere it's cheap for anywhere really do you always go with your mom almost always because she goes more frequently than I do so when I'm like hey I'm going to come back home to like get my hair done she's like cool I'll come too I know cuz it's such a process too it's a six to 7 hour experience sometimes oh my God I mean yeah they're older so it's slower no I'm not kidding cuz I'm such an impatient person like getting my hair done getting a manicure all those things I know it sounds funny but it's like a chore to me no manicure I'm on the same page as you I can't sit in that like hours sitting it and then it's like my feet are dying and they're like pedicure I'm like no I just can't take another I don't do get pedicures for that exact reason I cannot sit in the chair I literally can't do it and also I feel like if you can't paint your own toenails there's a deeper issue you need to explore scrub no totally get a massage yeah I don't know but I actually love that they take their time on my hair because it's such a focal point for me like I don't have say you were saying that you're like like I don't have a lip I don't have like a crazy cheekbone I'm like give me that hair and the eyelashes that's what I have you do eyelashes you do like what extensions no no I just wear mascara but I just take really wait those are your eyel no they're not Sam like zoom in get over here those are really your no they're not I'll tell you my whole routine I will link it on the internet I won't Gat keep that because that's not my wait that is not extensions and not anything those are yours and I it's okay here's how it started but you did wake up one day in like winter house and have extensions or something there was some that so crusty and disgusting no I'll tell those were yours that's a different I need some that screen grab of the way I look that morning Cory's like in bed next to me like telling me all this mean stuff girl said about me and I'm just I'm like and those are your eyelashes too yes okay I'll explain everything essentially here's where we talk about really a deep and important things on this podcast okay like eyelashes I I think this is deep and important this is everyone I've never had so many questions about anything okay let so let's get into it as my eyelashes so I'll talk about it I was a ballerina growing up as a ballerina you have to wear falsies all the time one that gets you accustomed to having like big dark dramatic lashes and then you hate your face when you take them off you're like I don't look like a Barbie doll anymore goodbye number two is that when you're young and you like don't know and don't care at the end of a show you will rip them off like no cleanser no nothing you just like take this [ __ ] off and throw them and you rip out your real eyelashes so then you don't have real eyelashes like you're like they're like messed up right like you're missing some and they look weird they're all different lengths whatever as an adult I was just like I need to repair this thing that I've done I this has happened to me so many Beauty things so I got a serum um I started out using Rodan and Fields but I found not like an MLM like probably I don't know my girl was like be like no I think she did okay her name was Erica she was a doll okay um so you use a serum that works I used that for a while then a friend of mine was like why do you spend $150 on that you can get like a $20 like random off brand one on Amazon that's so good God it started using it it changed my life it's literally a $20 serum no side effects doesn't bother my eyes never an irritation like nothing weird my eyelashes are so thick and so long and I'm obsessed with that I push it onto everyone I know so I'll I'll post a link to that because people will ask and then the second thing I do that I swear by is tubing mascara what's that it is goes on like regular mascara it comes in a wand my favorite is the Thrive Cosmetics liquid lash extensions you drive is good yeah yeah wait so what's tubing okay so you put it on and I'm wearing it right now it looks like regular mascara feels like regular mascara when you go to take it off instead of like using makeup remover or scrubbing or anything if you get it wet you can like go like this on your eyelashes and it like rolls off and it comes off in like little it like pills like a sweater so that's what was all over cuz I was crying the night before it was all the pilling but it I didn't take off my makeup because I was wasted and upset so the pilling was like on my eyelashes still from the water of my tears I feel like it like so that's that expl becomes a long thing for you cuz you have such long eyelashes other people just be like one pill like two pill three pill yours is like serum this serum will get you there wow it's life changing and I don't even know the name of the brand W okay anyway you guys that was our Beauty section with Sam magazine I know excuse me we're spilling the tea um okay let's go to the [ __ ] very beginning of everything first of all even before you came on summerhouse you were like creating content you were like an influencer but before that you were also in the in the space yes I've always been in media okay um I started creating content early like I would say 2015 I um posted a discount code that was before people knew what that meant it was before the term influencer really was ubiquitous um and the only real influencers were like Danielle Bernstein and Amy song and like that was it um I got made fun of a lot and I was like I just see an opportunity here I just see a way to make money to share things with people which I'm already doing so like why not make a little commission or something and that was kind of my first like like [ __ ] you to the man I was like fine laugh at me like I'm gonna laugh all the way to the bank with my $10 of commission like a year it was like 2015 wa 2015 you're 26 now yeah so 2015 17 18 pre college pre- college but college is really when I started to consider myself like an influencer um that was back in the golden days of Instagram when every time I posted I would gain like 300 followers just from posting hashtags no nothing it was just I was giving Pinterest Vibes outfit inspo hair inspo face inspo like like Fitness inspo everything was hashtag inspo yeah and you would just grow and grow and grow and back then also was like a big time of like total frap move would repost like hot college girls on Instagram and like you'd gain a bunch of followers it was like the weirdest like so you got like reposted a little bit yeah and that's really when brand started sending me clothes and jewelry and makeup and they were like sell this do that and that's when I started really earning money and then after school I wanted to work in journalism my dream job was to work as like an entry level assistant at Cosmo I was like I'm and you got it yeah how'd you get it I'm I'm an eldest daughter type a control freak reservations making trip planning okay girl and when I was 20 I would say in college I looked at my credits and I looked at the requirements and I was like I'm going to graduate early and my parents were like why why would you leave College this magical safety net place like where you can do whatever you want why and I was like because what if that job becomes available and they were like right what if like the moon falls down like through gravity and space and time and what if pigs fly and what if zacka FR calls you on the phone like let's get married and I was like right totally but there's one job there's one opening for that job if if it were ever to open and if it opened and I was here like taking a one credit class and paying rent on this like broken down house in bum [ __ ] North Carolina when that job opened I would kill myself and they were like okay it's a little intense but but do you like whatever makes you happy and I don't know how the Stars aligned but they did and the job became available two weeks before I graduated early and how early did you graduate like a semester one semester and the job went up were you checking Cosmo's website every day like what was your process pretty much like pretty much every time it was like internship applying season like applied those times no um Cosmo has her magazines has interesting internship policy they only accept interns from a couple schools it's based on like the school's legal stuff so it's really weird um so I never had the opportunity to intern there because they didn't accept interns from my school but I I just had spent my whole life I studied for it in college I all my internships were media and journalism focused I um I like found my way into an informational interview during I guess during college also in the cosmo offices because I like met someone on a ski trip in like Tahoe who was friends with someone who worked at Cosmo it was like the biggest force in the world but I got my feet through that door and that's all I cared about so I just like knew my whole life that's where I wanted to be and that's what I wanted to do so when the opportunity arose I I literally had been preparing for my whole life like I was just ready I sent in the best cover letter I I used to coach young women like do career coaching a little bit because I was over a young right I was 21 right but but people got jobs with my advice and I helped them build their resumés and write their cover letters because I knew the formula I had spent my whole life kind of creating that formula and TW you were a good student and stuff too yeah yeah so I just I wrot the job opens up you write this crazy cover letter I yep and I just AC the edit test I had spent I was so familiar with cosmos's brand that I actually they asked me to like write a listicle and I designed it using graphic design references from the magazine I like found the fonts I like I really really I like made them a little mini magazine basically for my edit test and they called me on the phone I remember it clear as I was wearing mismatched socks and like the ugliest PJs whatever and my ex-boyfriend was like laying in my bed and my phone starts ringing and it's a from New York and I looked at him and I was like I think I I just got the job and I stood up and like started pacing and I answered the phone and they were like hi you probably know why we're calling and I was like I don't could you say it and they were like sure you have the job and I just like it was so hard not to job not an internship like straight out of college yes and the start date was for like one week after I graduated early I'm serious I think manifestation is for real I me no it it is it is but you're not this isn't woooo thing like manifesting means also you were putting everything into it yes you were obsessed with this goal you had this goal you were working towards it you were doing everything and then you know you need just a little bit of the the Stars a little bit of like little bit Fair dust a little bit Stardust so how didd you get an apartment quick and like what do um my parents luckily live in New Jersey that's where I'm from so I commuted for my first six months until all my friends graduated and then um I just had a couple friends who wanted to move to New York after college we did it and I people it's so funny a lot of people on the internet think I grew up with like bajillionaire media Mogul parents like that's how she got her job that's how she got her apartment that's how she got all these things and my parents do really well for themselves and are super ambitious and it's a source they are such a source of Pride for me but when they offered to help me with my first apartment I said no and I shared a bedroom in my first New York City apartment and I [ __ ] I did all of the work and I made all my own money and like I look back on that time and I used to be like so embarrassed that I shared a bedroom because I was like okay like that's so weird like I could never bring a guy here um but I now look back and I'm so proud because I can really always say like this career is mine and I made it and it was me um and I will never take for granted the privilege that it requires to like go to college and have you know the opportunity to commute from my house my parents house in New Jersey into my city why do you think you were giving why do you think you give that off like that people just want to assume that you come from a lot of money and that your parents paid your way and I think people feel like there are things they can't achieve or and they don't want to believe that you did right and it's not because they can't achieve those things they think they can't so they project they're like okay she could never have achieved that like right she's pretty and blonde so she's probably stupid or but this is always the thing and you've probably experienced it too if you're pretty and I mean I say blonde too but like I feel like it layers but like people have to assume that there's something else that's bad about you to make it all better they have to assume you're stupid or they have to assume you're mean or they have to assume you're a [ __ ] like those are that's like the double-edged sword of like people thinking you're cute is that you have to be something else that's worse that discounts the cute I love that though let talk about how you got into reality TV because you were and are part of reality TV you joined Summer House season 7 and I love this you guys when they bring new people they always say they're coming with somebody you came in as Amanda's friend yes are were you at that time Amanda's friend yes um more of an acquaintance like we were not like Tex s every day calling but yes we knew each other a little bit um and I felt like she was a really safe person how you know each other from just like being in the media world like you know like girlies who work in Creative kind of run into she's also like a graphic designer yeah she was at ly10 for a while um and then right before the kind of final lock it in you're on the show was made we grabbed lunch to talk about it and I had some questions and she was kind of like I think you're just a good fit like let's see how it goes and I'm a yes girl like I'm never going to say no to like this weird crazy thing that like may or may not ever come my way again did ever though were you ever attracted though to Fame in that way like being on TV being in entertainment like your face being out there yes more in um more in the way of like hosting and not so much TV TV but more like E news type of stuff reality TV I didn't a couple months before summerhouse reached out to me the bachelor reached out to me oh um that's when it kind of started the wheels turning of like maybe this could be cool and fun with the bachelor reach out did you go through the process um I did I was like two days before my flight when we decided it was a nogo because who's we um myself and casting there was some kind of big question mark about who the bachelor was going to be what were what were the options they don't tell you until the very end and then that was when they told me that it was going to be this Clayton guy that he had not been aired yet from his previous season so we didn't know anything about him it was kind of just a complete shot in the dark but they gave me like a little like I knew like a little bio of him basically and I I was kind of like no I don't know and they were supposed to go on Clayton's season and then they were like honestly we don't think you guys would be a great what like casting of Bachelor said that to you they interview you for so many hours I don't know if I'm allowed to say this I don't I don't think I have a problem no I I've had Bachelor people they tell me like the whole thing yeah and I'm friends with a lot of them we did a we did some work together at Cosmo me and the bachelor cast pilot Pizza season oh you what you were working there then I worked at Cosmo and we shot an episode with the bachelor during pilot Pete season in Costa Rica myself and my editor-in-chief stop one of the challenges was like modeling under a waterfall for um the for the issue of Cosmo and I did like a I wrote the 10-page spread interview of pilot yeah would you date piloted I think he's too nice for me yeah I don't I don't know I wind he he you did what I did the we met at Acme live show oh you did a show with him at the grmarc theater with him I mean is nice but I feel like he's one of those guys where like something else is going on too it's not like all you see he's really I mean I don't know about three different girls too like he picked I don't remember all that much yeah he who did he end up with well nobody cuz they all wait he picked I remember Hannah he picked Hannah he switched to Maddie he switched to Maddie what she's like super Christian yeah okay yeah Bible girl um oh yeah virginity right she's beautiful and then he ended up with the lawyer yes and then she they had a breakup that was a terrible breakup I remember it and then there was also Han on the windmill fight anyway something's going on there and now I don't know yeah well so I went on the show with him at we met at a we had a great time I love Lindsay um and I was there with Corey and Pete was the third guest and we had a really good time he's hilarious he takes a joke like nobody else we we were all like roasting each other we had a great time um I don't know I mean listen I'm not saying no to anything or any like anything right now because I'm just kind of you know okay let's get into it right now well we're gonna get into summerhouse you get to summerhouse season 7 you were a newbie that's I mean you had another newbie Gabby was with you gab so you weren't and she's a good friend still yes she seems like such a good friend she's a great friend I love her girl's girl it seemed like Lindsay was really accepting of you both yeah the other girls at that point I had a great relationship with all of them from the beginning they don't obviously show everything on the show because we only have so many minutes yeah um and I find that what they tend to show supports like the larger storyline more so it's not like they're hiding things they're not like oh like let's make it look like samon pagee never spoke a word to each other it's more just like as The Show Goes On you see like myself Gabby well at the time myself and Gabby really rally around Lindsay so they were like showing more of our friendship as opposed to like cutting out like my friendship with other girls just we're going to emphasize this friendship but you were cool with everybody yeah and I I love all of the girls on summer house I really had a really good time filming with them I still talk to all of them um I have dinner with Gabby next week I have a girls night with Gabby Lindsay and Danielle next week that's cute keep up what happened there was a moment with Maya there was there was that I felt for you because I could be that way sometimes too where she takes you in the closet to remind people and she kind of tells you like you talk too much too loud too like you're too much yeah basically and you it didn't create beef because I think there was more going on yeah but you were upset and I remember it being like a point like a insecure point for you or something it was a trigger yeah I I um I had a relationship in pretty much for my the duration of my college experience for almost four years with a guy who really just stamped down my whole personality was just like almost embarrassed of me but wouldn't let me go super toxic like always coming back and apologizing really unhealthy situation and I think I thought I had really like healed from that and I was good and it was over but that is the biggest trigger for me is when someone's like can you quiet down or can you stop or like you're so dramatic or like you're wait you're just too much like can you just be chill tonight something like that it just is one of those things that just transports me immediately um so I had an emotional reaction to that but it wasn't a reaction to Maya it was a reaction to like my trauma if you will why did she say that to you cuz I talk too much oh was too much that yeah it's always too much but like I'm self I try to be self-aware of it do you ever I have moments where like let's say I have a dinner or something and I'm like today I'm just gonna be quiet I'm gonna listen I'm just gonna like be on the side I don't have energy today to like steal the show right and then like it's almost like in a movie where you do a flush forward and I'm like and just screaming you're doing a Can Can on the table like and I'm like G I really was planning on sitting this one out yeah um but it's it's funny I went to college at Etha college and everyone was like smoking weed and super gel and like every guy that I was interested in I know I I chose it by do you remember college board where you could see like the school stat I wanted to go to like a pot smoking liberal arts like school why I saw myself as not fratty got it got it so that was opposite for me so get there everyone thinks they're John Mayor like playing guitar and those guys wen't into me at all because like I was not the John M you know what I mean like they were like wanting to sing the songs have you're not like a cigarette well no she cigarett you're a cigarette girl you're not a pot girl I wasn't like play me like a fish song you know I was like what is that stup guitar it's so dumb like why are you playing it and I didn't understand why they weren't into me okay do you get the ick when men like sing to you or like play an instrument for you I remember those guys like the girls were like play that to me my funeral like when I die and I was like no wonder they're not into me cuz I'm like vomiting cuz this is so embarrassing for both of us right now you don't have a good voice it's not happening for you put the guitar down um yeah also when you came into summerhouse Lindsay and crawl were happening totally yeah very much did you what was your first impression of them as a couple they seemed great to me they seemed so in love and so honeymoon and I think looking back on that it's because it was a fast moving relationship so they were still in the honeymoon phase right like you're looking at it and they're like calling each other babe and they're like snuggling and they're holding ham and they're so in love and um and I think the love was totally real but I also think it you know you just get like caught up in it you want it to work right I think everyone feels that way when they're in a honeymoon phase or a really happy relationship like you want for it to work so you you will either not see signs or the communication about the issues is maybe not as much there because you're so focused on the good stuff and you want to be good stuff so when I was there that summer they were so great I was so happy for them yeah you were like a Stan like you were like a supporter I love love yeah I'm like so I love for people to be in love and I love to be in love and when and that summer Corey was full-time too parttime he was parttime time he came in halfway he came in halfway and you guys clicked right away yeah the chemistry was insane the chemistry was insane I almost exclusively enter relationships with people with whom I have mind-blowing chemistry yeah like an instantaneous physiological reaction yeah like butterflies sweaty Palms like heart racing I've I'm starting to learn as an adult that that might not be the thing to look for yeah so but that was that yes and so do you think you fell in love yes yeah not necessarily right then but yes so that started I remember you guys left being like we'll see like we'll definitely hang out like it was like we'll definitely he was he lived in South Carolina at the time and now lives in North Carolina and I was like I mean look at me I'm not you're not not going there you're not going there I'll go visit so how did it work was it coming and going a lot yeah and it really never was an issue like I have been in a long-distance relationship before and I really think it's about the compatibility of the people more than it is about the distance itself yeah like I saw Cory I would say in the beginning before we were like official once a month for the whole weekend and then after I would say like two weekends a month we were spending together you didn't have the talk all this time so you couldn't know for sure if you're exclusive like you didn't know for sure this whole time and you were fine with with it I don't know that I would say I was fine with it yeah I think I was trying did you want to assume that because he likes you and you felt like he likes you that he wasn't doing anything um that is what I did I don't know looking back that I'd be like I felt like I could do that I guess I trusted that he was going to match my energy cuz he was matching my energy when we would spend time together it was very it felt great and perfect and like why would he go home and see someone else like that would be sayane I'm not seeing you w you weren't doing that yeah and probably my one of my biggest mistakes I would say in the relationship was that the whole beginning part before we were official like literally from the first time we slept together I didn't ever like go on another date kiss anyone else like hook up with anyone else I was I would just felt like we are several weeks if not months at this point in I think it would be weird if we were seeing other people like you thought it was an unspoken thing yeah and I'm learning you can't have unspoken things but it's also because like do you have that thing where girls are afraid to be the like un cool girl and ask question well it goes back to the too much thing is like I have always been the question asker the conversation starter the communicator an overc Communicator because I'm so afraid of being either misunderstood or unheard or so here you just did the opposite so yeah well with a lot of guys in in my past I've basically since that PTSD like three and a half relationship where I was like too much for this guy and it was always like a battle um I adopted the complete opposite approach I am the chill girl I am embodying the chill girl I will not start the conversation like I'm going to let him take the lead and I think by doing that I tricked myself into thinking he was matching my energy yeah um and it's not it's not like he cheated like he just was we were not in a relationship so wait so let's talk about winter House Winter house comes up the offers get in how shocked are you that you're not getting this call I was pretty surprised yeah um I I was surprised too like why not yeah I mean I I think I was kind of I mean they I was one of the first people they reached out to to consider yeah and then I kind of just never heard back ever again um and what do you think do you have any guesses like why yes um I was in a relationship essentially like I was with Corey and that show was largely about single people right there was a little bit I don't know how much I'm able to speak to Casting but there was a little bit of confusion about whether Corey would go because of the same reason like we were together so they were kind of like this is a singles house whatever um and then something shifted like on the production end at the last minute and he ended up going full-time and I wasn't invited to go part-time until they were already there like it was already happening I think they were watching it progress and thinking like we need to bring Sam here did you think of like sticking into the man and not going yes M um I my ego probably would would take over at that point you know yes but I had a like an intuition some kind of feeling in my stomach that if they were bringing me there it wasn't for something good and I my I couldn't just let it come and go without ever KN you needed to know I needed to know okay so when Corey and you are both being talked to about the opportunity he ends up going you're understanding probably you're like yeah you should go yeah totally like you weren't like I would never ever have asked him to say no or to not go or sit it out was he debating no he was I'm going did you have any talk of like how you're going to act there blah blah blah we had a FaceTime right before he went it was either the night before or two nights before where the ground rule was I basically said like don't embarrass me m and I was like don't I was like are you planning to hook up with people I was like just like let's get all the information out now like what are what let's set expectations yeah and he was like of course I'm not planning to hook up on you oh good and I was like okay great and I was like I my only request then outside of that is like don't embarrass me don't make me regret being the chill girl don't make me feel stupid I am really happy I think you're really happy and he was like of course I'm really happy and I was like great then like go have some fun and like I'll see you in two weeks and then you start seeing Duma posts that he's getting along with like Malia and did it say anything else it didn't say they were hooking up it actually yeah it said that they were very flirty Vibes and someone posted a picture I still can't find the the like post about it but someone posted a picture of her like sitting on his lap or something like at the base of the mountain and the the submission is like they're being very flirty like guess he's not with Sam anymore and I was like if other people are saying it's so clear from first of all so far away like we're talking like a 3X Zoom like through a window if it's so clear that like if someone feels so clear that he's not with me anymore yeah that's problem did you confront him about that post um not by text while he was there oh um because a I didn't want to do it by text and B um I mean I know how the internet can be kind of so it was kind of like I'm not clear on what the situation is and see um I just wasn't hearing from him a lot while he was there and I it's like a 24-hour filming schedule so I was kind of like I'm not going to get the conversation I want and I also like didn't know if I wanted that conversation to be had on camera like 24-hour filming schedule means if I call him and say like let's talk about this you know it's G to be filmed it's aired uhhuh so when you agreed to come that was set up like he was happy you were coming totally um did you plan on having that convers well you didn't no um I didn't plan on having like any serious conversations I had a little bit of a I wonder if it will come to a head here because being in any of those houses on any of those shows is like being a pressure cooker everything that is a maybe you get your answer in those houses uh um whether you know you a l restraint thanks I'm learning like how I would I would maybe like plan not to say anything not to text about it you know but I I don't know that I could do it but so like you're saying it came to a head you didn't have to say anything right Malia tackled him he they were doing that thing right in front of your face right the first day right and the first 20 minutes oh my God it was like the first activity we did as a group have you ever has he ever disrespected you like that in public before no how how do you explain it then like why would he do that in front of your face 20 minutes in not think like this might piss her off Corey and like this is not sorry I'm gonna yeah clear my do you want to drink yeah that's Drink Break let's have a beverage um this is not me making an excuse this is me sharing what he said to me so it's not like my own original thought Corey has a really hard time knowing when someone is flirting versus like being his friend um he's he's like me very touchy I hug everyone I'll hold your hand I'll kiss your cheek like I My love language is touch I like obviously I'm not doing anything super inappropriate but like I'm a Huggy lovey person and so is he and so um he told me that he genuinely was like this is extremely platonic and I think the difference is like he's seeing it from his lens of like well I don't want to hook up with her so it's fine nothing's going to happen right even if she tried to make a move on him he'd be like well I didn't do anything and I never thought to do anything or intended to so it's fine and well as a viewer too like we sign in interviews that she was wanted to hook up with him at the beginning but but I think a Manda said that in the reunion too like being there you didn't see that right so like I I try to transport people when I talk about this back to Colorado the show had not aired yet y'all so like I didn't know about anything that had happened until the moment I walked in so my first piece of information is she's wrestling him in the snow falling back on the like Duma posts about like they're very flirty she's sitting on his lap all this and then him being like all the girls in the house are trying to hook up with me I told them we were dating but which you see this aired this clip where I'm like laying on him in his bed and he said I told all the girls I'm dating you and they are coming for me anyway so that's the information I had and you'll notice I didn't have the opportunity to film confessionals like green screens so like she eight months later is like creating a narrative for the story where like oh it's platonic all this but like when I'm there there and it's eight months ago I didn't know she had been saying she wanted to H up with him saying like who would you make out with and it's like Cory this that so like my information when I'm there is Corey says it's platonic on his end she is wrestling him in the snow the dooma post and I'm like it's just a yucky feeling yeah in your stomach and you know and you talk to her you guys had that conversation yeah where she's like I wouldn't be in a situationship for eight months she was very um how'd that feel you said that to you it was like crushing like my wind pipe was gone reset my jaw so I'm saying even though it's reality TV and like you never know it's edited I feel like you're right like that moment your reaction was your reaction yeah you can physically W you can watch my body and my you can if you look at my eyes in that scene you can see them change yeah like something CU what that felt like mean to you or that or maybe it was also you realizing like why am I in this situationship for all of those things right and it was partly like feeling stupid it was partly another woman who I intended to be friends with walking in the house it was another woman purposely trying to make me feel stupid it was feeling disrespected by everyone and feeling lied to by everyone like I say to her in that moment like I didn't come here feeling away and now I do and you can in that exact moment you can see when I start to feel away but he explained the tackling to you it made somewhat sense to you so what about winterhouse cuz we see in the reunion you're emotional at the reunion you were still together MH you see in the reunion that even though you're together you guys even say like this took a toll so what took a toll what was it about winterhouse that took a toll what took a toll was watching it back and finding out I had been lied to by so many people and like there are lies that are genuine straightup lies like Malia saying I never wanted to hook up with Corey and her saying right and then there are lies like Lies by Omission where like as I'm watching this show now I had said to Corey like is there anything I should expect or be prepared for and he was like no no no it's what I told you I didn't hook up with anyone it's fine and then you know how the rest goes like you become my girlfriend I was like great like he didn't tell me Jordan's knocking on his door at 2 am. he didn't tell me Malia saying she wants to [ __ ] him he didn't tell me like any he didn't prepare me for anything that I was going to watch mhm so what was hurting me at the reunion like we all left that house on good terms at the reunion I had just come off watching the show and being like no one was going to tell me any of this like when my me being in the house with all of them I felt like a little disrespected by the tackling and stuff but from there it quickly moved on to like okay like boyfriend girlfriend let's just stop the all of it but I hadn't I didn't know how disrespected I was at the time so going to the reunion I was fresh off of seeing for the first time all of that like how is Jordan crying about Malia spitting in his mouth when he has a girl like how is no one say problem for me like how is no one saying hold up all of this is ridiculous and can't be like cuz when Jordan's upset about Corey no one is saying like how are you upset about something that can't even happen no one not my friends not Corey no one when you're saying my friends you mean like Danielle Amanda no yeah no one like and I I nobody owes me anything I'm learning now that nobody owes each other anything but I had been hoping that someone you would get a heads up primarily Corey but like anyone else would have either stood up for me in that moment like when another girl is crying because a third girl is flirting with my man when I'm over here here on the other side of the country like what twiddling my thumbs like I don't exist so that I was infuriated watching her over my man it's infuriating INF also like I'm sure Corey probably said this to you he's like I didn't hook up though he was like well I was awake and I didn't answer that door and I but then the anger is at him well I yeah and I think it should be largely I mean cuz he gave the impression that he gave completely he gave gave a com a in my opinion a completely false impression of how serious we were and even in the reunion I sit next to him and he's he's got his hand on my knee and he said well we were't official I was going to push the boundary as far as I can and I was like why would you say that why would you think it why would you say it next to me what what are we doing why do you want to push the boundary you are I thought we were was I like so mistaken like I'm so so confused and I would you say I love you before you broke up were you at that point um I've never said this before but um I had said it to him and he never said it to me he didn't say it back when I said it and then he never said it for the rest of the relationship um and that was like really a big problem for me I was like I think I need to get out of here it's becoming clear yeah um but I would say at the reunion the thing that was like Weighing on me the heaviest was and I don't even think they aired this but I said it confessionals green screens they happen eight months is like six to eight like they start kind of like right away but they go for months and months and months so they're all filmed in New York and when he would go to confessionals he would leave my apartment to go there I would drop him off and I would pick pick him up and we would like do whatever it he would be visiting me while he was filming his confessionals and he went into his confessionals and he was like no guy wants to be in a relationship every guy's going to let it ride until like she forces it but like I don't want to lose her so I guess like I'll be in a relationship with her got a [ __ ] or get off the pot and I was like you left my bed said that about me and then came back to my bed like I would never say that about someone I really cared about guess we're [ __ ] guess we're [ __ ] [ __ ] that's how you're going to talk about me oh my God I'm getting gobs guess I remember that line guess we're so guess we're [ __ ] congrats like you're and like that moment take a moment to think about it like it's wild CU we're watching it but you're living a reality and then getting to see that months later and knowing where I was and in that moment wow had been official for like months and months like I've spent time with his family he spent time with my family he's staying at my apartment like it was so a [ __ ] he's a [ __ ] boy it was really hurtful well it's funny because I always like fought that because he doesn't hook up with a lot of people Jes say the [ __ ] out of he also like excuse me let's take a moment and this is me saying not Sam calm down you're not Ryan goling R pit like let's take him like him saying at the r like everyone wants to [ __ ] you you you everybody said they wanted to [ __ ] him I wouldn't say that just like oh everyone wants my hand they said they want my hand own it that's but prob is the confidence more than anything because yeah it because yeah he looks good he has a good body whatever but it's like let's simmer let's everyone take a moment you know I'm not even not even out here to talk [ __ ] I think he's great I really like I didn't break up with him because I don't love him I broke up with him because he doesn't love me and that's that like but good for first of all like good like it's the first time I myself ever in the relationship yeah when I was I was so many times given the option of like save yourself or protect him take care of him and it was always I I am the person who takes care of him I'm no matter who him is in that moment I'm my friends my everyone I will always take care of them first and I stopped to think about who was taking care of me and it was nobody and I was like oh I'm mistaken how I need to pick me concerned was he for the relationship after it aired like could you tell that he was shaking in his boots no he didn't he was not was worried it's not that I couldn't tell he wasn't he was not was worried um no and even when I ended it he was he was shocked when did you end it before the reunion aired before it aired so before Christmas um and when was youu and chot a couple weeks before that oh a couple weeks like maybe two weeks before were you were on edge like you were you can see to my body like I won't look at anyone I won't talk I won't touch he's like touching me and I can't bring myself to like do that so it's almost like I was figuring it out the wheels were turning while I was sitting there yeah and I was like that was kind of the beginning of the end and it was it was just like what else have I what have I been overlooking to make this work and here I'm going to be so honest right now about part of why I wanted to make it work of course part of it was that I loved him but when you date a guy like that part of the reason you want it to work is to prove to yourself and to everyone else that you're not like all the other girls you are not like those girls that he hooked up with and then cast aside and treated like [ __ ] you are you are the one he wants that whole change for him you yes yeah you want to be so good that he can't possibly deny it that no one can deny it that you are the one that changes him I'm like well it was them not him it was him and I'm just going to accept it as it is and I think if I had done that I Corey and I probably wouldn't have lasted as long as we did and I'm grateful for every memory how long was it was it a year depends which one of us you asked there would be times when I would be like we've been together for this long and this happened and this he'd be like well we weren't official um so like so it's like shorter and I was like no we're not not counting eight months of our relationship because we weren't official it's eight months of being in a relationship whether you're my boyfriend or not um so it was August SU house August to about a year and a half total including the like non-official if you get asked for like a season with him uh summer housee I would definitely do again that's for me not for him like even if he's there fulltime like I was there first these are my friends this is like a this is something that I love doing with people I love and like I I think I've grieved the relationship already you do it's been a few months yeah it's been like a month since we actually broke up and before that I was already grieving it because I was seeing what was happening figuring it out so his reaction to the breakup though was just like he was I think floored that I was actually leaving so I wanted to do it in person everyone wants to do it in person but we're long distance and the trigger was he texted me like five or six days before Christmas and was like hey I just realized Christmas and New Year's are coming up what are we doing and I was like if you wanted to spend that time with me I think you hopefully would have texted me before then or like we would have figured it out sooner but um it was a really hard moment for me because I've always wanted to spend like spend that time that a holiday like a Christmas at my familyes with a boyfriend I've never done that before um and last year I got him a Christmas present but we were like not official yet so I wasn't we hadn't talked about it I didn't know so I got him a Christmas present I was like okay like if he brings it up then I'll give him this and then if he doesn't I just won't I won't be worried about it and he like ignored it like we didn't even like I got like a Merry Christmas text he also ignored Valentine's Day a month like he came to visit me but like he watched me like buy myself a necklace like while we were out shopping like no flowers no card no like nothing I should have known these things do you know what I mean like it's not this is not a slam piece on Corey this is like me looking back and realizing all of the time like you weren't getting what you wanted yeah but I didn't I didn't I was ignoring right you were ignoring it so I think like when we had had those conversations before where it was like we would talk these things through but we I wasn't it wasn't even an option for me to leave I wasn't even thinking like that I was like we're just going to talk about it take accountability move forward and I of course was also going to take accountability for like repeatedly doing this when I was drunk it was always I would have one glass of wine and it would be like downhill from there like I knew it was going to come out I was going to start crying so it was ideally all those conversations were take accountability work through it move forward with changes and the changes just didn't happen yeah and so the last time when I called him what happened was he was like what are we doing for Christmas New Year's and I was like well I don't know about Christmas yet like I let me talk to my parents but my mom was saying maybe we go to our house in Florida for New Year's would you want to come that was at 3 p.m. on a Friday I was away for a girl's weekend with my best friends and he was home working on the gym which was um which had just opened and he left me on red for upwards of 48 Hours it was the longest we had ever gone without speaking no texts no calls no nothing didn't answer the question like nothing and then on Sunday like evening I see him like a video of him like at a nightclub with all his employees for their like holiday party whatever and he's like taking selfie videos and stuff and I and I'm with my friends and I'm like they were I he when I when your longdistance boyfriend doesn't communicate with you for 48 hours and there's like nothing like wrong there's something wrong like that's so weird like why do you want to go 48 hours without talking to me at all like that's so crazy so that was my trigger and I was like I'm I text I ended up texting him again I just double texted I was like it's been 48 hours and I haven't heard from you what's going on and he was like hey baby what's up and I was like you don't think it's weird that we haven't talked in 48 hours what and when I called him it was that night I was like that's my trigger I I got to do this and I called him and I said that to him and he was like um were you testing me were you timing me to see like how long it would take me tot why didn't you text me the phone works both ways and that's the kind of gaslighting I don't need in my life right it's like I'm sorry like I'm crazy for noticing how long it's been that you've reached out and it it's I wasn't testing you my friends were saying don't you dare text him again you just invited him to spend New Year's Eve with you and your family and he left you on red for two days the whole weekend I was like maybe I should just text they were like no why do you feel like he deserves that text yeah and I was like you're so right so like when we get on the phone and he says that and he's like were you testing me are you timing me like whatever like the phone works you should have just called me if you wanted to talk to me that was the first time when I was like oh I'm making the right decision you like knew that so in that moment you ended it yeah and he the way it happened was we were talking and talking and he was like what are you saying are you saying we should break up and I was like yeah silence and like I don't I thought I think he was under the impression it was going to be one of those conversations that we have where we like try to work through it and I didn't want to do it over the phone I wanted so badly to be there and to like and he said that too he was like I wish we were together but he was like I also understand why like this needs to happen now and to his credit he was really He was largely really mature about it he he didn't try to change my mind he apologized um I would say the one thing that like the only thing during the breakup that I like still kind of am like working through is he kept saying I wish it was different and all I can think about is like you don't wish badly enough to treat me right like you can wish all or you don't wish badly enough to yeah to change your ways right like there like uh like if you would do anything to change how it was then you can do the bare minimum like anything he's like I would do anything except that basically right and again I I really think he's great I really I loved him for a long time and I there are so many things about him that I think are worth loving and I think he gets a bad rep online I think everyone just thinks he's like a onedimensional [ __ ] boy what I have to remind myself of is that like if the next girl comes like before I have like grieved this relationship ship then he's not a different man he's not treating her better or differently she's just accepting what I would not accept and we all have that point in our lives when we are accepting what we shouldn't be accepting deserve yeah but I'm now coming out of that part of my life and has he tried to contact we've stayed in contact we're on good terms um I said to him on that phone call I was like I would love to to stay on good terms like I think we make a great team in a lot of ways like we're really really compatible we have we are very like we would talk about like business we would talk about like marketing we talk about stuff for the gym like I love his brain I think you know I think I love him I'm not in love with him if that makes sense right now um and so I was like I would love to be friends like I'm never going to root against you I'm never I don't want to be your enemy and he was like I could never be your enemy like I respect you too much like I like we don't what I'm telling right now is my truth for the first and probably the last time it's not I'm not here to talk confirm it until now the breakup right it hasn't really been confirmed you wrote something though that was really touching so before we go you wrote on on after the reunion to everyone who has sent me kindness who has asked how I'm doing send me an encouraging message called me to check in or held my hand thank you I am soft and I refuse to be hardened I am proud of the love I give so freely and I will never be embarrassed by that gift I mean I was embarrassed a little bit but a littlear you're so cute but I like looking back on it I I don't have a single regret I everything winter house everything in the relationship I really um my like song for this breakup because everyone has a song for every breakup tell us it's the Taylor Swift cover of betterman um and the line that like really hits different I like start I'm like yelling the song and then my voice breaks and I'm sobbing the song um is I gave to it my best and we both know you can't say that and I but that's how I really feel about it and like for myself like I really put every single thing out there I gave it everything and I can never regret that because I'll never look back and be like what if I did this or what if this was different right it will always be I really gave it my all and I also wish it could have been different but we're not the right people at the right time for each other and that's okay and I think he's going to do great and I think one day he will find love and I think I will too um so I'm not worried about us and I'm really on oh my God could you believe could you imagine call I want to tell you thank you for sharing this here no thank you for letting me this felt like a really safe space to do that's why I haven't talked about it before it never felt like a it was piranhas this feels different I'm glad I'm so glad thank you and you're a gem honestly and you do deserve more than and I'm glad that you stood up for yourself and and what you and what you deserve and you're still cool than you know you can still be cool yeah you can still be a cool girl even though you know that you deserve to be you know treated right so everyone listening I'm sure so many girls can relate and are going to take so much away from this so thank you again thanks for yay

Channel: Not Skinny But Not Fat

Views: 44,671

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Id: ZtGUASioVr4

Length: 57min 47sec (3467 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 19 2024