Ripples of Columbine

[Music] [Music] [Music] we walked out and we heard fireworks and then we saw the guy with the gun I just remember this librarian saying everyone get underneath the table everyone get under the table now I remembered the first time I really was like that's gunfighter like those are gunshots so when I'm hearing gunfire bombs exploding this is not resonating with me gunfire was just so loud [Music] well he shot before times and I blacked out so I remember saying the Our Father when I heard the gunshots coming in through the library one of the first couple shots that they took were at our table and I put my hand up to ask for help he said sure I'll help you and I looked up a little bit and he didn't grab my hand and so I just laid back down and he put the shotgun right behind my ear and pulled the trigger you know that first volley hit my right leg and my the side of my face and my chest they ricocheted all underneath our table I mean just went went for it with all the gunshots under our table we heard gunfire and screams outside while we were hiding and remember Patrick trying to administer first aid on my leg and in doing that he raised up a little bit and you know I witnessed him being shot in the head after they were done with our table and I felt myself and I was like but I think I'm okay I I think I'm all right and the only thing I think that I can sense was I'm gonna die I'm looking at my friends Laurens not waking up I'm I'm seeing what everyone else is doing and everyone seems like they're not moving they're not waking up good evening I'm John firoozeh welcome to insight in the past 20 years since the mass shooting at Columbine High School the names and faces of those who were murdered are etched in our memories as a reminder of that horrific day they will not be forgotten but experts tell us that even with all we've seen since Columbine school shootings are extremely rare statistically a student is 15 times more likely to die in a bicycle accident than to be killed in a school shooting even so when Columbine is included a comprehensive survey by The Washington Post shows that about 220 3,000 students have been in schools where shootings have occurred more than 6,000 students in Colorado alone and that creates not only trauma in our communities but fear since Columbine survivors have been on a journey of recovery tonight you'll hear in their own voices how the events of that day continue to ripple even now in their lives and the lives of their families and while they continue to deal with both physical and psychological scars there's is a message of hope I'm Towada I was a senior when Columbine happened I saw one of my friends die and everyone else shot around me my name is Heather Martin and I was a senior in 1999 I was barricaded in the choir office there were 60 of us in there for about three hours I'm Frank DeAngelis former principal at Columbine High School my name is Makai Hall I was in the Columbine High School Library my name is Lynn Strickland I was shot five times at Coleman high school it was somewhere around 35 surgeries I think that first you know year two years feels like you know every other month I was having something done just got to the point in 2001 where and I found out that I was gonna be a dad and was trying to you know pay my own bills and live out on my own and it was just too much at that time mentally and physically to just keep doing surgeries so I stopped I don't remember freshman I don't remember my sophomore year I don't remember my junior I don't remember graduating barely I remember a column I I mean there definitely is survivor guilt which I felt I still feel it's palpable it's real why didn't I put myself in front of the gun instead why didn't I roll my body over Lauren why didn't I pull Gina out with me it's it was more of like punishment essentially because I wasn't injured I was really angry at God really upset just why was I still alive why didn't I get hurt why am I still here I got into this cycle where it was like it was on repeat and all I could think about was how bad it was for me and how horrifying it was you've got images of the shooting were pretty clear and the violence of it seeing people maimed and and her dead those things you know kind of it took a while for them to leave I was very depressed very angry couldn't get over the fact that I had gone through something it and I felt like the world owed me something the first couple months were really hard because I didn't want to be alone it's a little bit different as a physically uninjured survivor you don't have a physical reminder that you can see so it's all up here and it trying to deal with that and cope with that is I think different we talked about diet we talked about the things that we wouldn't be able to do because we were gonna die people like oh what was that like I would just be like well imagine what kind of psychological damage it would be if you're sitting in a place for three hours knowing that you're gonna die and just waiting and they kind of like oh yeah you probably can't imagine it but I can my younger sister was a freshman and she got out right away and we wouldn't leave each other's side I mean Here I am I'm like hi actually I have to go to the bank that means we're going to the bank you know I'm like I have to go get gas and we'd have to go get gas together I actually did went to two different therapists and it just felt like a waste of time you know like it was a joke you're a young person you went through a terrible trauma these counselors are available for you you should go talk to someone you should go seek someone out I think I just wasn't in that place one thing I didn't remember until much later was that the fire alarm was going off the whole time it was actually about six months later when I was in college and they did a fire drill and the fire alarm went off and I just start crying in the middle of the class and that's the first time that I can really remember being completely blindsided by a trigger the sound of sirens would make me anxious and nervous and the sound of helicopters would freak me out I mean every now and then if I hear gunfire you know far away or something that sounds like it and it sounded place I get nervous there is a function that was just for the Columbine students and it was at a movie theater and the fire alarm went off and I remember running out of there as fast as I could and my friends followed me and they were like what's going on I was like it's just like in the library it's just it's just the same noise that I heard when I was in there and so everything just came to a halt and I could hear just the alarm blaring and just glass shattering again and the shots going around around me I love to hunt and so it was important to me to not be afraid so as soon as I could I went and you know shot my shotgun just to I knew that I could do it but I just I had to confirm it as fast as possible I eventually dropped out of college I developed an eating disorder to try to sort of gain that control back I started using drugs I'm lucky that they weren't addictive so for the most part of the last 20 years I felt mentally fine physically fine until about 2015 I got really stressed out and I think distress and pressure kind of broke me and finally you know I was dealing with with post-traumatic stress disorder and you know was drinking a lot to try and help myself you know self-medicate I did go into therapy for about a month and a half it really helped me just because they gave me permission to feel traumatized I think for a long time I tried to play that off like it wasn't that big of a deal I didn't speak about it much but you know I had a big effect I was young I was a boy and so that made a big impression it created a lot of fear which I kind of had to work through so many of these kids told their parents I don't need help I'm fine I'm fine and originally there were not some issues but 10 years out 15 years out 20 years out they're struggling physically uninjured survivors feel like they don't have the right because they well they didn't lose a loved one or they weren't shot I did not ever go to counseling so I really do believe that everyone would benefit from some sort of counseling have I actually taken my advice no I have not I always kind of looked at you know PTSD is someone with like a weak mind you know for other people that were involved in coal mining that weren't shot that some of them weren't even there for them to say that they had it I just kind of called be us but now seeing into myself I'm more sympathetic I understand that it you know it can happen to anybody and it can be there and you never really even notice it I feel like it sent me back five to ten years you know in in like how how a typical young man would develop because I'd never you know noticed it and I figured that if you do have something like that the symptoms are going to be immediate you know it's going to be right after the event so I thought that since it had been you know over ten years that it didn't affect me I actually started speaking out in different church groups I think for me it helped for my own healing and it also helped them see what I had gone through I've been in treatment and continue to go to therapy to try and put the pieces back together as far as how to deal with with distress anytime there's another school shooting my phone starts going exploding with your in my thoughts and prayers if you need anything I know immediately there was another school shooting parkland took me back to Columbine because of the images you know with the kids running with their hands on their hip anytime a shooting has happened that hits me right back and hits me right back with everything I have in calming I can fully understand and feel what that person is feeling like crouching down are there's the table or behind us movie theaters II what happens up happening is I have these skills now I something I learned from my counselor or something known as touchstones and I have two metals around my neck that as soon as this started happening my heart started racing I just grabbed them saying this is not April 20th 1999 this is February 14th 2018 I think the last time that I had a really bad episode like that was after Sandy Hook you know those thoughts all come back like what party these things still happen and you know what what causes them like we have to fix this that wound is gonna always be a little open I mean it's gonna always bother me that my son got shot [Music] my name is my Kirtland my son Lance Kirkland we shot a Columbine he was he's my hero in so many ways you know I mean I've watched him when they told me he'd be in ICU for 120 days then they came back and told me he'd been shot in the face with a shotgun that when you shot a shotgun you know what that kind of damage I didn't think he'd ever make it at the time I was a raging alcoholic and so I was trying not to drink but I was trying to get through it and I'm sure I would have done it differently but I got through it all I felt like I was doing the best I could I think I was too busy with taking care of lamps and everything for a while after Lance was healthy and moved out then definitely I think my alcoholism got worse I had every reason in the world to drink I had us my other 16 year old son five and a half months before calling by commit suicide just felt like and everything that could have gone wrong in my life did all of this stuff hurts so you want to get away from it there isn't walking away from it you can't do that but you'd move on you know you got to keep going and life will get better what I'm seeing now just within the past year former students are calling me and saying Mr D I need some advice my kids now are seven eight years old and they're hearing about Columbine and they want to know mommy daddy where were you when Columbine happened I have three kiddos Grace Miley and Clara and I'm married that's important I felt like I have gotten out of that cycle putting things on repeat in my in my brain and now I've got this family that I put my energy in into it's been probably the best thing I've ever done you know I stated it plainly I said when I was a boy at my school somebody shot me and they were very angry it's a very unusual thing to happen although it does happen more and more they seem to receive that in a positive way he was ready okay I don't want to transmit my fear onto them I wish they could live like I did before Columbine where yes school is a safe place to go and there's no need to have a crippling fear about going out and living your life I feel like some of the ripple effects with our family in particular is just this consistent fear with not having your family right with you my name is Connie Sanders and my dad was the teacher killed at Columbine I often will have a moment where I think that something might be happening and I start just rapid texting about where are you are you okay what are you doing when that's not a typical response but once you lose somebody unexpected to a tragedy like Columbine you forget that that's not something normal that we were just normal people at one point and our idea of normal was changed [Music] my dad saved hundreds of kids he was outside and he saw what was happening and ran into the cafeteria and jumped up on the tables and told everybody to get down and move out and then he ran up the stairs towards the library I'm guessing to trying to tell more kids to run and hide and he was shot right outside of the library it wasn't until about seven years after I was driving on the highway and all of a sudden I just felt this I can't even describe it like this intense sadness anger it was like this explosion and I still don't know what happened and I pulled over on the side of C 470 and got out of my car and sat in the ditch I broke I drove home and I just sat in the driveway it was like I felt everything over seven years in one moment it wasn't until seven years after that I needed therapy I didn't think I needed it because I didn't feel anything that was the problem when we experienced a significant trauma it breaks us and suddenly we don't really feel anything my name is Valerie Sanders Dave Sanders was my grandfather is more of a father figure to me my name is amber Sanders I lost my grandfather I lost a big piece of everybody around me they will say well it's been you know how many years just let it go or how did this affect you you were just a baby when the Columbine shooting happened I was seven years old nobody understands a long-term effect of growing up around it I felt disconnected from the girls for a good portion of their childhood because I was so distracted by this horrific thing that happened to our family at Columbine I grew up having to go to therapy I grew up terrified of alarms schools I just grew up expecting to lose the people I loved knowing that he wasn't going to come back was hard but I didn't always show how I felt because I wanted to be there for my family she loved grandpa at one point she was really struggling herself and in her closet we found a shrine to she had been struggling for years and didn't say anything and I realized it's because she was trying to be strong doesn't bother mom why should it bother me she didn't know that I was in therapy she didn't know how my heart was broken because I was trying to be strong for my kids and I can tell you the one thing that parents can do be weak the weak in front of your kids let them know that it's okay to break that it's okay to mean therapy that it's okay to be sad and it's okay to seek support because if you don't they don't so I definitely did become a nurse because of Columbine more specifically because when I saw Gina who was my very good friend at the time injured and I remember just breaking down at the hospital when we visited her I was just watching these nurses and the medical team like going in there and taking care of her and I was like I want to be someone who takes care of someone else when they can do it themselves there are 21 patients currently I remember visiting the hospital a lot and I remember admiring healthcare personnel providers and I always thought that that was something that you know I could possibly do there's the part that I feel I'm able to comfort somebody but I also you know have been able to be comforted by by being able to to serve in that capacity I think I can listen I can listen to what your story is I am co-owner of a private practice a mental health practice we are forensic therapists working with people that involved in the criminal justice system and trying to reintegrate back into society I was going to be a business major until I took an epidural psychology class in that class I started thinking about the two boys that murdered dad and I thought I wonder what happened to them how did they get to that point found out the two boys were on diversion diversion in Jefferson County for breaking into a van and they actually had to receive treatment and I'm now that treatment provider that provides treatment for that diversion program there was an invitation from mr. D inviting the class of 99 back into the school for the 10-year anniversary and I decided to go and I was really surprised that instead of feeling scared in that space and in that school and having flashes of that day it was definitely overshadowed by my happy memories that I had from high school I really remembered the good things and just how Columbine was my home I went back to school and I got my teaching license and my English degree you guys will probably have four by a paragraph together now I'm a teacher I teach seniors in Aurora and read through the story one time together with the patients it's the greatest job in the world my kids will ask me they're like what will you do if it happens here and I'm like why I have a plan I have a back-up plan I've got a back-up plan for my back-up plan like I've got this worked out and I just don't want them to worry I don't want them to feel unsafe you know if you find yourself after an experience like this in a bad place it's not hopeless there's a way to kind of come back to the light noticing my symptoms being able to deal with them that gives me hope and you know for a brighter future it's okay that I've changed and it's okay that I'm not the same person that I was before the shooting because none of us are ever gonna be that person again there's a reason why I survived because I survived I'm a stronger person because I survived my daughter's here my son is here I'm married I have people around me that love me I am god-fearing because I survive I have something to do in this world for people that are new to this journey I want them to know you can survive the things that were given are all miracles this day is a miracle each breath I have now is a miracle we made it through and it's been ugly at times but I think the number one thing that people need to know is you'll get through [Music] you

Channel: Rocky Mountain PBS

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Id: BXPfePcxaZw

Length: 26min 45sec (1605 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 18 2019