Ricky Gervais On Britain's Got Talent??? | Science | Universal Comedy

I don't understand the recession it wasn't until last year I found out that you could go into your bank and say can I withdraw my cash and they could go no we ain't got it sorry we no I've got £50,000 saved you a where is it don't know have you check the Vault it's empty what was the point of that you might as well kept it in a draw you spotty little [ __ ] I hope you enjoy the show this is nearly the end of the UK leg of the tour then I'm off to America to finish that off and then I'm doing the rest of the world it's going to be the the first world Comedy Tour and then I'm going to enter Britain's Got Talent cuz that's when the career really look at Susan Bole if you can [ __ ] hell Jesus Christ oh shocking be fair though cuz usually in the music industry it's all about image isn't it you can't just have a great voice voice and a and a great talent you've got to be young and thin and trendy and pretty and she's turned all that on its head although I think it's the same powers of image just working in Reverse with her cuz I don't think she has got a great voice actually I think she's fooled a lot of people it's sort of like mock Opera for people who don't know any better but I don't think she'd be where she was today if it wasn't for the fact that she looked like such a [ __ ] Mong he said M yeah he did yeah you can't say Mong you can it's [ __ ] easy it's it's one of the easiest words to say it's like M any it's like you just need lips it uh even mongs can say it that's part of the beauty of the word they don't consider it a PRK I'm sure but why does he get away with it and no one else can ban him from the Telly good luck and even if they do ban me from the Telly I'll just go around and Shout Mong through their window I care about it that much it's just words and there is no better word to describe Susan Bole when when she first came on the Telly right when she first came on the Telly I went is that a m you all did you all did and you're meant to like the judges hadn't planned that I didn't they they knew her in rehearsal they knew that was going to happen they knew the headline was going to be oh voice of an angel face of a m and they were right and we all fell for it you know and it I don't mean she has Down syndrome by the way no no that would be offensive that word doesn't mean that anymore it's far removed from that we don't use that word to describe that condition what about the derivation never mind the derivation words change when I come here tonight I called you all [ __ ] remember that used to be an insult but now it's a term of endearment so words change okay let's get on with it no one wants to be here all night now listen you can have too much of a good thing like heroin what um although too much heroine is his death basically what's up with him too much was it good was lovely but just too much that's the thing kids try anything once sure try but know this about heroin you go oh go on I'll have one I'll have one heroin go on that's right oh just have the one oh just oh that's [ __ ] lovely that give us I can't just have one they're like hobnobs that's or serial killing that is that's surprisingly moish you think oh I just do one penis crime I love all that I love all that I'll just go out you go out T up and you chop someone up and don't just kill them if you're a serial killer kill them [ __ ] them eat them right in that order at least have a thing do you know what I mean I don't want to see you on telly in 10 years time going oh why' you do it oh Ricky told me to try and and be a serial killer oh what did you do I just killed him well you didn't [ __ ] him and eat him now get out of my [ __ ] courtroom so and you go I've done that get rid of all the body parts well not all of them keep a bit for later what what Jesus Christ oh maybe you shouldn't mix alcohol with painkillers right it just seemed like a waste right and um you get home and you go right I've done that I'll never have to do that again before you know it you're back down being Q with a brand new claw hammer going oh [ __ ] me here we go again so just be warned um okay let's get on with it the show is quite long but not as long as when I saw Ken Dodd at the open air theater in Regent Park and I left after 2 and a half hours during the interval okay he did 5 hours I mean he was 75 then 5 hours of standup comedy I can't even [ __ ] stand up for 5 hours these days and he bounced out I mean I went along somewhat ironically but he is a legend we got there and I went along with a girlfriend and I was we were the youngest by about 30 years I think everyone else is like in their 70s and they must follow doy around and they knew they were in it for the long haul they'd come in kls and pack lunches right and uh I don't know if you've been to the open a theater and Regent par but it's like this without a roof obviously um it's got a stage show and lights and it's got fix seating okay it's sort of like Ampitheater seating all the way around the outside um and there's nothing in the middle they just left that wild you can't sit there it's just like a I want to say grassy null but I'm not sure I know what a null is I I've only ever heard that when people are talking about the Kennedy assassination I assume it's a hilock but they didn't want to say hilock when a president had his brain shut out because it's vaguely comical isn't it you go the president's been shot oh what from where a h of what so they say no and and they go oh so you go oh know who shot him and what the [ __ ] a null it adds to the mystery anyway so I look down and I realized that one person I use the term loosely had sort of sat there okay and the security had let her and people were ignoring I thought oh anyway she was a bit and oh my God she was [ __ ] I I'm trying to be politically correct tonight I'm trying to avoid the phrase fat mental bird but that's what she was why do people use euphemisms like that they go like they're trying but you've said it we know what you you say you've said mental in fact you've said it so more people can understand the deaf and foreigners can understand what you're saying now and they don't want to say fat anymore they use eans for fat they don't want to say fat cuz it's a drry term it's not it's descriptive okay they say things like oh you know Brenda no oh you know Brenda big girl what 7 but no not talk but big what do she look like oh you know she's clammy even in Winter just say fat you know Brenda she she's out of breath just standing up at her desk I've been accused in the past of having a go fat people I've never had to go at fat people I've only ever pointed out the scientific fact that you get fat you put on weight you put on a sub cuticle layer of fat if you take in more calories than you burn off that's indisputable okay I don't judge them in any other aspect of their life but they got fat because they took on more calories than they burn off okay and they knew that is what was happening no one ever got fat behind their own back no one ever went H what the [ __ ] that uh no one's creeping in to thin people's apartment and injecting their lettuce with a million calories okay so they they're doing it they're doing it with their own free will and they know that's what's making them fat okay you see a fat person surrounded by puddings right you go up to him and go Frank you know what's making you fat he doesn't go is it all the running he knows it's so what I'm saying is you get fat if you eat too much and you know that's what's happening but I don't judge them in any other aspect of their life I don't make value judgments in any other corridors of their existence if I see a fat person I don't go oh he's fat therefore he's probably Jolly a lot of them are miserable if I see a fat girl I don't go oh she'd be pretty if she lost weight that's rarely the case so don't a lot of them started eating cuz I had [ __ ] all to lose if I'm being I don't want any fat people to feel uncomfortable at one of my gigs so next time buy two seats I I'm joking I'm joking

Channel: Universal Comedy

Views: 1,449,082

Keywords: Comedy, Universal Comedy, Universal, Stand Up, Stand Up Comedy, Comedian, Stand Up Comedian, universal comedy ricky gervais, universal comedy greats, universal comedy romesh, ricky gervais, ricky gervais stand up, ricky gervais show, ricky gervais science, ricky gervais fear, ricky gervais science vs religion, ricky gervais funniest moments

Id: Z_IWZWlPIFE

Length: 9min 30sec (570 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 09 2024