Ricky Gervais Top 5 Live 2008

that's true actually one long hot summer and the water ran out and we didn't know what to do we thought what could we do and there was people coming around your house trying to tell you how to conserve water they were saying things like when you brush your teeth don't let the tap just run you know put a little glass there and they came around they were putting house bricks in the system of the toilet to save war and there was public information films on the on the television there was one advert that was like it was like an animation and it was like a couple in the bath and it said conserve water take a bath with a friend which I did I say a friend he was more a friend of my granddad's but um no £10 is a lot to a kid in England um what he taught me a lot he taught me a lot um stuff like you don't wash it like that give it here [Applause] no he was a he was a a sweet old man um I used to call him Granddad Charlie he wasn't my real Granddad he was just an old bloke that lived across the road he used to come around whenever he saw my parents go out right and he'd come around Mom and Dad out yeah all right did you want to see a magic trick yeah he'd draw the curtains right and um he'd make me close my eyes Okay and he'd sit down and he' put a top hat on his lap like that right a magic hat right and he go close your eyes just he goes and feel the magic rabbit and I used to go up and I I used to go in I used to feel the little weird little thing it was didn't have any fur or ears right and it used to go and it was scared stiff it was it was terrifying right and he might stroke it f and I stroked it so fast once that it was sick all down my shut up shut up [ __ ] off oh dear oh there's this spite of comedians saying sorry when they go too far I just think you know you should they go oh sorry I didn't mean it well you should have known better then it's there's also a Witch Hunt at the moment with people saying oh is there anything you shouldn't make a joke about no there's nothing you shouldn't joke about it depends what the joke is comedy comes from a good or a bad place and it's for you to decide what what that is and I I think that there's a big debate about sick jokes or comedians doing sick jokes now the thing about sick jokes when we tell a sick joke it's with the express understanding that neither party is really like that I wouldn't tell a sick joke to a known pedophile I wouldn't go yeah mate you're going to [ __ ] love this more than anyone son and I've never been in trouble for anything I've said in my professional career CU I've refuse to apologize what can they do to you you know growing up you know you try try things out and you get taken the wrong way a little bit not like the dolphin I mean you know not when I was about 23 24 um me and my girlfriend met up with this other couple they'd moved down from the north of England to London they used to come in the place I used to work and we had a couple of drinks with them they were cool people and they fun and um uh after we met them a couple of times they invited us to a party at their house and we went along one it was a dinner party which they hadn't warned us about um but two it was for their family that had come down from the north to see how they were getting on and it was both that said parents and grandparents and great uncles uh average age about 85 right and I think we were an afterthought we thought oh oh God we don't know anyone our age oh that Ricky and Jane right so we went along and we were still getting to know them so we just spoke to them all night we didn't really mingle with it with the older uh uh people and um as I say we use comedy as a sword and a shield and a medicine but usually as a getting to know you okay we use comedy to break the ice are you like minded what can you take what do you like and I've always sort of pushed the boundaries a little bit to try and make people laugh at things they didn't think they could but you know but then the you know everything turns out okay I suppose and I started off lightly I told this joke um why did the little girl fall off the swing cuz she had no arms yeah sweet um and they laughed a little bit louder than that there was only two with them so thanks right no so I thought okay they get it they like and so you up the antie a little bit I don't you push and I told this joke oh I need a drink start the car seriously right I told this joke made sure the old people couldn't hear like that I went okay father sitting at home just reading the newspaper this little girl comes running in she's only six Hello darling hello Daddy you've been playing yeah in the Park yeah with your friends well until the man came along till the man came along yeah a man came along and he asked my friends to leave so it was just me and him darling come come over here whatever happened none of it was your fault okay darling none of it was your fault but tell Daddy every detail what happened um he took me behind a tree so no one could see what we were doing oh God darn and then what happened um he took my dress off oh god what happened next what happened um he took his thing out oh God darling and then what happened nothing that was it we'll make something [Applause] up don't tell anyone that I want it to be a surprise um so I told that joke carried on getting a bit drunker telling jokes eventually we sat down for the meal about qu to 10 they put two tables together and the host sat at either end and they put me in the middle opposite this very sweet but very deaf sort of 80-year-old man so conversation was a bit stilted and after about 20 minutes Ian one of the hosts pipes up and says oh Ricky tell that joke went what all the old people went oh we love jokes do you I looked at iie and went be fine I went okay and he got on with this conversation and so they're all like that I went um oh H father sitting at home reading the paper little girl comes running told the whole joke got to the bit well make something up they went silence I looked at I and he went not that one thank love books of quotations I love just reading them for for pleasure I've got a few of these compilations and um one of my heroes is Winston Churchill and uh when I read give us the tools and we will finish the job I thought how inspiring and when I read never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few I thought how patriotic and when I read it is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations I thought you cheeky fat git people always say to me that Oscar wild is the greatest genius that's ever lived let's have a look at the evidence okay here's one of his all women become like their mothers that is their tragedy no man does that is his that sounds a bit gay to me think I just give me another here's another one one I couldn't help it I can resist everything except Temptation that sounds gay as well I think I want to start that with an O I want to go oh I could now pit you know what I mean and I want to I want to end it with I can resist everything except Temptation chance to be a fine thing you know I and when he went through customs in New York all those years ago and the Customs officer just doing his job said have you anything to declare Oscar wild famously said nothing but my genius oo wasn't witty I bet he planned that I bet the first time we went through customs in a foreign country it was all yes sir no sir anything declare no thanks on you go oh oh I just thought something [ __ ] brilliant to say oh I'm always doing that excuse me can I go back to no oh you had to wait weeks in those days back on the boat to England just thinking right if they say that again and declare nothing but my genius I'll be in a book of quotations right he gets there again Weeks Later finds the same bloke goes up to him BL goes on you go didn't even [ __ ] ask me that time excuse me I didn't ask me if anything random [ __ ] random right back on the boat 3 weeks later get there gets there this time finds the same bloke this time he's starting looking Shifty so he gets picked out like that right goes go right did you buy anything that's not the question say have you anything to declare okay have you anything to declare nothing but my genius who's are the butt plugs they m incarcerated in Reading jail for homosexuality we've come a long way from it being punishable to Total equality as it should be of course in England the ga of consent same as heterosexuality now um 16 and even gay marriage um although ironically the one place that was really ahead of the game fell behind a little at the last election California they had a referendum they put it to the vote and they voted no to gay marriage I mean in California there's people going that's why we moved here I mean it's a it's a strange sort of bigotry that you can affect someone else's lifestyle that doesn't affect you back it's not like they asked a bloke once said sorry um do you mind if these two men get married he went no fine okay Jack him off then what I didn't know that was that doesn't happen does it that doesn't happen it's also a strange sort of bigotry because these people that object to that were presumably the same people that said you know gay people were immoral and promiscuous but now they don't want to be monogamous and respectful in the eyes of God and it must be so confusing to a gay guy in California thinking that's the bit they don't like with all the other [ __ ] we get up to it's the marriage bit that was so confused they must go to judges and go sorry can I get the rulle straight what do you want to know I just need know what we can and can't do ask away can I marry a man no can I [ __ ] him up the ass and give him a little reach round please can't marry him no but the little can I can can I pick up a stranger in the bushes and take him home and Jizzle him and throw him out in the morning all crusty and homeless of course you can yeah but I couldn't marry him no and no and don't ask again could I line up 15 men I'm just riffing here can I line up 15 men and just Jack them off for a laugh if you want yeah yeah it would be difficult wouldn't it jacking off 15 mene one it' be like plate spinning wouldn't it no cuz you'd have you could only do two at once really so you'd have these two ready to blow but then they'd be losing it and you'd go [ __ ] h oh there you go oh [ __ ] out and it knackering jacking off 15 men at once never thought I'd say that oh again um no the other big one is a dog is for life not just for Christmas right behind that I'm really into animal welfare and that's obviously aimed at parents whose kids go can I have a puppy can I have a puppy and I go know can I have a puppy can I have a oh and they get him a puppy to shut them up right and the kid likes it when it's cute it grows up the kid gets other interest gets bored with the dog they Lumber the parents with it the parents get bored with it they abandon it 11,000 pets were abandoned in England last year which is terrible and I think you know kids should have pets I think it teaches them life lessons I haven't got kids of my own but I've got loads of niece and nephews and they've got kids of their own now and I want to be a cool uncle and give them what they want but I want to be a responsible one too and not out the Stray problem but I think I've solved the Dilemma here's a tip this is what I do anyway you got to wait till Christmas Eve and I always go to an animal rescue center not a breeder and I go along to an animal rescue center Christmas Eve and I go to the veteranary part and um they've usually got like a run who's been born sort of disabled with no quality of life and they just putting that out of its misery right and I go no don't kill that one I'll take that one and they go it's only going to live a die perfect perfect so so and I run home going don't die yet don't die yet little bit of Starbucks little bit of Starbucks and I rush in I call my niece she comes running Uncle Ricky got you a puppy Uncle Ricky got me a puppy yeah your best uncle got you a puppy yeah go and play with quick go and play with it and she takes it to bed with her Christmas Eve and she sleeps and she wakes up Christmas day is dead cold stiff gone so result not a problem and they always come down the next day they go oh my pupp's dead my pupp's dead I go oh what the puppy your uncle got you he did his bit and whatever happened after that isn't his problem they go yeah and I go oh maybe you rolled over on in the night oh did I oh no oh no and they they start I killed my puppy I killed my puppy I go no you didn't kill your puppy Jesus killed your puppy on his birthday cuz you didn't spend enough on your uncle's Christmas present they usually Buck their ideas up the next year I did don't you hate that when an artist canceled you turn up goes concert canell due the sore throw oh or I couldn't go on I was depressed oh poor little artist oh can you imagine a laborer trying that turn going I got a little ticker when I'm fed up a move the [ __ ] bricks mate never cancel I had a a gig in Dublin a couple of months ago okay and as you know Dublin is in Ireland which is off the yeah it's off the coast of um Great Britain it's not part of Britain but it's it's very close it's sort of like our Cuba I suppose it's that um and um and so okay so Dublin O2 Arena 10,000 seats sold out one in advance flights book really looking forward to it few days before the gig they start grounding the airplanes because there's a volcanic cash Cloud over Britain okay and if you fly through it apparently it'll make the plane fall out of the sky and it was like that was it you couldn't fly in that I mean a volcano goes off in Iceland and we can't oh what's the point of Iceland really I mean what are they just fill in all the volcanoes with concrete okay just in fact tarmac the whole country and make it a car park for real Europe cuz it's a waste of [ __ ] space okay and so I'm thinking well I've got to get there I I can't cancel and um there were sort of pop stars and people coming over from America and they were counceling their flight cuz they couldn't get in and out I thought I can't so I hired a helicopter to and from Dublin it cost me £12,000 right just cuz I couldn't bear to let anyone down or take the ferry that was um they were still running sure um but that would have meant mixing with the general public and I don't this is about as close as I ever know so um I don't know if you're affected by the volcanic ashcloud um but I had friends that were stuck all over the world and they missed weddings and funerals and they had to put themselves up in a hotel for extra days that they hadn't budgeted for and they couldn't get their money back cuz the airlines were saying no we can't pay you because the insurance companies won't pay us cuz they're saying it's an act of God what what isn't an act of God no if you believe in God that's sort of a definition of him isn't it that he does everything isn't that right everything is an act of him he's all powerful he's everywhere at one he invented there was nothing before him he invented time everything he's across it all okay he doesn't miss a trick and he's not absent minded a volcano going off isn't like him going [ __ ] I'll left the oven on you know it's and who are these insurance companies that can decide what is and isn't an act of God how do they know okay have they got a hotline to God they called him up do they ring ring ring ring yellow uh could I speak to God please speaking oh I didn't think you'd answer the phone yourself what do you want oh um that volcanic ash cloud uh was that you yeah yes that was an act of me all right so I shouldn't pay out no no don't [ __ ] pay him a penny son no brilliant brilliant while I've got you here um did you make a tree fall on Steve Baxter's car there's a lot of Steve Baxter um Steve Baxter to acaia Road houndslow it happened at 2:15 on the 3rd of June this year 215 3rd of no that wasn't me I was in Africa that day giving aids to babies he does everything he does [Applause] everything

Channel: British Entertainment Heritage

Views: 78,640

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Id: j89viFCCgI8

Length: 19min 36sec (1176 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 07 2024