Richard Herring's Leicester Square Theatre Podcast - with Robert Webb #68

hello welcome to Rich hering's L Square Theater podcast with me Richard Herring this week it's going to be Robert Webb how very exciting he does the post office adverts I'll probably ask him mainly about that um and this week's episode is sponsored by uh crom motion it's my man called shalto who very kindly does the video credits for this very podcast so out of the goodness of our hearts we're give him a free advert he's a motion designer and art director from London his company's called crom motion go to crom motion.com crow like a bird the crow he produces little sequences animations and moving Graphics of big companies like frame store but also tiny little companies like go faster strip that's very rude all he designed and produced all of the comic relief Graphics this year and would love to do more work in the third sector I don't know what that is but any sector is all right whatever sector you're in he likes the color yellow and is a Leo uh he says I've always enjoyed ra raer while I work so I'm genuinely honored and excited to do the graphics [ __ ] off shto grow up grow up here so you needs some work so uh if you if you have any any opportunity to give shto from chrom otion some work making he makes ni look at these credits coming up if you're on the video if not if you're on the audio go and look at one of the videos they're very good he's very good so thank you to that now let us go and enjoy Richard herrings that's Square Theater podcast you could get your adver on here as well if you pay us some money he didn't pay us but you have to [Music] [Music] ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Leicester Square theater this is the first time you have seen him tonight will you please welcome Richard herring thank you very much hello hello London welcome to Richard Le Square theater and this is Rich ter letter Square Theater podcast or as some of the cool kids have started calling it recently r there's some cool kids in it's very exciting to be here it's in the week of recording um the big news story that I've enjoyed uh well don't enjoyed might be the wrong word uh is Ralph Harris has been uh rol har who is an enemy of the show and was an enemy of the show before he was found to be fiddling with small children now he uh we could say that now he's been found guilty but before he was just an enemy for being rude to Adam Adam buxon uh but uh he's been he's written a song about his uh about the victims calling them woodworms and uh and the such like which uh and someone said on Twitter well you that's that he was touching up the woodworms so that's but he's only interested in them when they're louses that is that is the thing that is the thing with ro he wrote a very unpleasant song about his victims which is an awful thing to do uh but then today's paper one of his victims wrote a song back to him don't you saw this which you know again it's it's sort of slightly weird blue Jam sort of development that that's happening in the ACT it's quite a serious story that is being tackled via some by like a rrap battle between the two but I think maybe all crimes should be solved this way I mean know increasingly you know in this country all that's important is whether people are able to sing well that is how we judge them maybe we can have some kind of X Factor legal system where the criminal writes a song about what he thinks about the victim the victim writes a song in return whichever song is the best that is the verdict that was I think this could work out for us uh and uh uh if you thanks to everyone who's uh kickstarted uh this this show that's the paid for the video of this I do have to say um in my opening mon monolog this is from Josh Hernandez very International show we are Josh Hernandez Josh Hernandez uh he says my friend Richard valos very International show we've got uh is a [ __ ] idiot although the rest of his family is quite Charming so that is uh he paid he paid for that to be but uh some people paid some money to get some t-shirts made which I'm making I I made I said I'd make handmade t-shirts for it ended up I didn't realize it be this many people about s 5 people have paid enough money to get a handmade t-shirt I'm working very slowly I'm not very good at drawing uh and I'm I'm not an artistic person but I'm making t-shirts based on the show and this will give you an example both of how difficult this is and how bad I am at drawing so I've been trying to think of 75 different t-shirts based so I'm already getting to quite dodgy territory of obscure things there's this one I wanted to put Slytherin Lannister and Herring cuz that's the uh but I don't if you can spot the mistake I don't if anyone could spot there's a little error little error in this one so I'm not going to made a slight error and you know what as I was writing the I I nearly wrote another R I genuinely did that's how tired I am I nearly thank God I stopped myself i' have looked an idiot have I put three it would have been four hours I mean I'm going to give this to one of the members of the audience at some point tonight cuz it's it's it's no good is it it's got a mistake in it it'll be worth it'll be worth even more than the regular t-shirts but for those of you paid £75 this is the kind of thing you're going to get I spent I spent £50 on uh on on t-shirt ink whatever that stuff is that one that's my favorite one cuz it comes out very Blobby I've come quite an artist these will worth a lot of money I hope they'll one day someone will pay to have these all put back together and and put in an art gallery where they belong but for now they're coming to you anyway we uh have to crack on with the show we got fantast two fantastic guests usually there's one good one and one rubbish one but today is today is today is they're both good we could have spread them out a bit uh so uh my first guest this evening I'm sorry there we only do one podcast tonight my guest this week uh is probably best known as Graham from meaningful sex that's why you're all here to see him he was also arvo in my family the famous character of arvo remember him in the popular my found you please AR Robert Webb ladies and gentlemen he Robert Webb here he comes Aro thank you very much come in sit down pull up a mic hold the mic near your face so uh hello thank you I tell you you've got a nerve showing your face around here oh yeah after what you did on pointless you've got a nerve that's all I'm saying so we'll get I'm really sorry every night I wake up going Namibia why didn't you say Namibia Namibia yeah not what did I say like you know had to think of an obscure country and I said England anyway tell us about Graham from meaningful sex we'll get that out of the way cuz proba Ray from meaningful sex was made uh when BBC 3 was still called BBC choice and that's how long ago it was and it Star conth Hill who plays the bald one Boulder than me but properly Bal in Game of Thrones the uh varis or V no spoilers no nobody watched games of thron they don't watch Game of Thrones if they watch Game of Thrones they wouldn't be here cuz it's the dumo is on this evening and I'm very oh I don't want spoilers um yes but he was uh he was in there and he was very good uh so Graham was the nerdy uh virgin boy uh person who was living in a shared house uh that was filming in belliz park but it was meant to look gritty uh and he uh and and then then there was s masochism going on and it was a it was a sort of one-off Comedy drama about sex sex did you get to have sex with a lady or a man in it no neither uh it was there was an American actor in it who's been in loads of stuff and I can't remember her name so she'll be delighted she'll be delighted I know that she is a big fan of this podcast that that particular actress who we don't know the name of Sarah Stewart and she was very good see it only takes me a couple of seconds and what about arvo in my family the my family you a big my first experience of Robert Lindsay yes uh cool um it was the it was the uh it was the episode where they're stuck on a tube carriage and uh and I played arvo the Estonian Backpacker and so I used my very very precise Eastern European accent and I talked about the medieval glories of talin um which could be from anywhere in the world um but apparently it's from Estonia yes that's good we were on a pointless together and uh yes you're keep bring up I got a pointless answer and thought wow I definitely threw to the F head to head round now well this is why you know cuz this is why I thought about pointless every day of my life and how badly it went and how I'd let the team Rich Rob down and then I why do I think about this every day and I realized it's because I still followed you on Twitter so I so I I found a a simple if brutal solution to that and that's why when you invited me on the show and I said yeah DM me you had a bit of trouble cuz I couldn't face your disappointment if anyone should be unfollowing anyone on Twitter after that it's not about Rona Cameron said wrote was name an 80s a solo artist who got number one in the 1980s and she said to Pal that's not even a solo artist that's what I was so you're one step up from that well I'm glad it's the first time anyone said I'm one step up from ran Cameron that's i' I'm going to go home Happy should go that's good but I I don't know how many times they'll let me go on pointless but I think if it's more than four and you still haven't won that's quite bad is it you were you I was reassured in the beginning because you the last time you'd been on sorry if my microphone technique isn't quite up to I'm a train doctor I could reach the back just with no amplification at all but apparently it's on the internet uh but uh you were saying the last time you've been on you've been on with an unnamed comedian which you may may or may not choose to name now I'm going to leave that with you and that he was so competitive and annoying that you decided to be Mr relaxed and that you weren't going to so there was no pressure Rob don't worry doesn't matter if we lose I just don't want to be that guy you are no Dom Jolly that is what I'm good I thought I could rely on you he's done worse adverts than you that is have you seen that have you seen that advert his adverts are so bad I don't even know what adverts he didn't an advert for faeries that was very short f for Ferry like a f for a ferry from Wales Island that is a way of getting from one Island to another not even airplane f f oh he's [ __ ] not even from England not even from England to France they might as well ask me to do hovercraft and in the and in the advert he had a phone he went hello oh that's that's [ __ ] did they ring you up go me an adver F go do I have to be and you have to do your catch you we want you to do the that funny thing we're we're going to play some Porter's head and it's going to be like in that show it's like me go doing an advert and they're being like a moon on a stick in the back and go and and and people going I don't understand the reference why is he pointing at that Moon why is the moon on a stick I won't judge I won't judge Dom Jolly's commercial choices so is it true that the show that you are named after the show Robert's web is that how you got your name I wanted it to be called worldwide Robert yeah um but uh that was deemed too hilarious that would have been good uh is is the worst name name for a show apart from Elementary my dear Mark Watson was that made yeah really it was an impro show Mark Watson he'll be a guest later in the series believe me that's all I'm going to talk to him about I wrote a sketch when I was 13 I did at school in lunch time where uh I was Sherlock Holmes and they found a piece of rock and there was no earthly re reason why there should be a piece of rock in this in this Edwardian dining room but it was so that I could get in the Palm he so what's this H I say sedimentary my dear Watson made me so happy and I think it's important that you get this stuff out of the way when you're 13 otherwise I would have had them finding otherwise you try and make it get a laugh out of it now I would have had them finding the digestive tract somewhere then going Elementary my dear Watson that's what well that is a different bit of science it's an elementary Canal it's uh I didn't get that big of last so I presume the uh it's also a near rhyme and Dom jolly is doing a uh doing an advert for a Canal cruise on the elementary Canal that's his next or for the fax machine so you do you do do adverts yes which a lot of comedians come on beat up on the channel a lot we do we talking about adverts so you do the post office advert I did this is all past s yes yes I did it didn't last very long I did an ad no Simon Bird's doing it now bang out we're disappointed in you Robert out I spend a lot of time in the post office yes cuz I go to sheph well now that I follow you again I see that yeah and and your face was like looking down from all the monitors laughing going oh isn't the post office brilliant and it wasn't brilliant it was bad I'm sorry to hear that was lied you li me what was good for me about that apart from you know the fee was uh was for a while uh they they didn't actually tell me that this was going to happen but my face was on the ATMs the cash machines the post office and so sometimes if I wanted to get some money out I get some money out literally from my stupid face grinning at me I go oh well done me so it was It was kind of it was lovely like that telling people when the post office was open during the Christmas season and that they could send more stuff in Parcels than they thought they could if they didn't want to send someone something on Amazon which is easier well you can go to there's ones you can do now like collect if you're going to send a lot of stuff go to collect Plus or one of those internet ones you can just do online and then you can just drop it off in a shop and you don't have to queue up and you can do it anytime of the day or night I'm not they're not pay me they're not paying me to say that I just think they're quite good well that's the way I roll but like we we were talking about this uh on online but you kind of got criticized on chal for for doing adverts for yes I can't remember what it was it we' been criticized for doing it came it came off the back I wrote I wrote a thing about uh how I thought uh the labor party ought to win the election and imagine how much worse it could have gone if I hadn't written that yeah uh much worse uh but um but I mentioned quite a personal detail about my mother dying of cancer and uh and somebody on chal and one of their regular contributors who writes unbelievably long and unmemorable um sort of blogs really um uh but it's they have a sort of Correspondence column and he wrote thing about um how dare I it was sort of it was my problem was the hypocrisy of Robert Webb was that i' uh I'd used the death of my mother uh who died of cancer and yet I still uh do this voice over for ecigarettes when um it turns out that ecigarettes doing his resar because he because he he says at the same time I didn't know that ecigarettes contain car syes but clearly he's then gone out looking for evidence and then there are some really dodgy and Flaky studies that show that ecigarettes might not be because there are medical there are concerns yeah um but stacked up against you know some concerns versus the [ __ ] mountain of evidence of what cigarettes actual tobacco is bad for and I have to know several people who've managed to quit smoking by using well that's I think that's what they're for I don't think people are going oh I must try those ecigarettes no because any anyone smoking ecigarette looks like a loser and an idiot um or a robot from the or a robot from the future exactly it got plugged in strange bits of steam coming out like R2-D2 having a Wii um it was but anyway anyway the point was I didn't I I so okay so there are concerns but mainly this is a quit smoking tool I've got no I'm not even morally neutral about this I think they're a good thing so I'm happy to do them but he had a whole thing about how dare I mention my the death of my mother waving a shroud is a phrase that will stay with me is that what he said yes in a sentence otherwise unmemorable except for its slapstick for on its face illiteracy it was a very uh very unpleasant I mean I think it's probably worse to use the death of someone's mother in your argument against someone else it's not your own mother you're allowed if you bring up a personal detail like that then you sort of think well I'm slightly you know making myself vulnerable but then one does expect it turns out one it is it is possible to overestimate chle um so anyway but there but I think what's interesting I mean I think having seen you talk about this I mean I I never have done adverts I haven't really been offered many I was offered um one for a storage uh company the other day it's very exciting uh cuz they because I've got now I'm a dad they want to do an advert well it's more like a a paid thing where you get paid to go on the radio and and it's sort of worse than an advert you get paid to go on the radio and do interviews as if you're oh you're you're an ambassador yeah no I don't do them and uh it it was it wasn't even any money you I thought maybe I could pay pay for some podcasts with it but it wasn't even very much money and have to go and going yeah well well you know cuz I'm a dad now my wife's making me move stuff out of the house so we so we need so we need so storage so storage is good and so it turns out you can pay for storage without just digging a hole in your garden if you're lucky enough to have a garden I'm not I I'm aware of my own privilege I've got I've got a garden um yeah but I mean I know lots of actors and comedians who wouldn't touch it rather chew their own arms off and do an advert and that's fine Rufus Hound is is mate of mine is one of them but he view has always been you know it's a personal choice and it sort of depends where you see yourself in the you know sometimes I'm just a comedy actor and an Entertainer and a [ __ ] and anyway and so it doesn't really make any difference then sometimes I catch myself behaving like an artist and I sort of go oh maybe I shouldn't do so many I don't want to piss everyone off but you know it definitely if you hav unless you've gone all if you're like me if if I say if I now went the post office came to me and said would you do the next lot of adverts and I go yes of course that would be I'll be delighted I love your service and then people go didn't you just spend a year on Twitter saying the post office was terrible yeah but they gave me £50,000 so you know uh but so that would be bad but you I think you know you've said you've never it's not like you've put yourself up as being Bill Hicks or criti I I accept I live in a mixed market capitalist liberal uh Advanced democracy which involves money and advertising and you know that's I mean that's just the [ __ ] that we have to you know and that's why we don't die of dental decay when 23 yeah well and I starting to sound like Mark Corgan I'm actually I'm actually quite more like Mark Corgan than you might think today's podcast is sponsored by promotion.com anyway so I can't speak although he hasn't paid us anything he did some free titles for us he's a nice guy uh but uh well actually while I'm so now we've established me as Darth Vader while I while I remember because I forget I forgot last time to do this uh they some people have also paid me just to ask the guest questions so you know who am I to criticize anyone uh this is from Ian Hill who sounds like a character made up by me but he isn't cuz I would have made him ask something much I think no one so far has abused his privilege You' have said Kurt Viaduct yeah it's Lou Sanders and she wants to know why have you got such weird teeth it's from it's from because they're my teeth and I couldn't be bothered to fix them so [ __ ] off no it was it was uh it was Ian Hill I could have spent 50 Grand and I in Hollywood by now do my teeth and my hair and i' be in some really [ __ ] sick C because they will laugh at anything but I couldn't be bothered i' like going to the pub in London here's a Charming question from Ian Hill Robert like you I grew up in Lincolnshire which whilst beautiful is awfully remote when you're a teenager yes this is getting his life story he just asked a [ __ ] question some of my issues probably stem from what are your abiding memories of the place and growing up in what is is essentially Britain's largest field it is Britain's largest I mean it's the fourth biggest County in England and it's and you say to people uh I'm from linkshire and they sort of blink politely and then they say sheep go yes we do have some sheep and then they might go flat yes it is flat we do have some sheep and that's kind of that's what people know about it and so youi do very well there because it's it's massively isolated and and people feel very sort of cut off and uh uh uh you know you drive from where I live used to live you drive for an hour before you get to the A1 which is not a not a very big road anyway you know it's a dual Carriage Way Jesus you can overtake without getting killed um and it's uh it's a it's a long way it's it's not glamorously North like you know Manchester or Scotland but it it's but it is it's north of it's further north it's going to be yeah yeah so people don't sort of but I used to when I I was growing up I say castle instead of Castle I had a speech impediment as well so I I get my s's like this right so I say would you like to have sex with me and um and the answer is always no so it's a it it is a it was a it's a great place to be a kid because you can roam around it was sort of pre saavil um where but it that's the key isn't it it was pre- knowledge of savle but it was mentally uh it was uh it was the ' 50s even though it was the late '70s in the early ' 80s but but you I had a lot of um space but then by the time you a teenager yes you do yearn to see some people when the you know the bright lights are Lincoln or skag was the kinar in the woods not good enough for you the kinar in the woods was always good enough the kinar in the woods was the is that how you say kinar in the wood Woodall Spar in Wood Spar I don't say I'm no I'm not saying I've gone deep in my research no is I'm I I feel ravished by your research uh no the kind in the woods spel with a K uh was the very small 200 seater uh Cinema in woodor Spar V one of the villages I grew up in and my granddad used to be a projector there during the war used to be a projector projectionist Lincoln Lincoln is very backwards just he was a projector go faster Grandad we can't shine that torch move the thing faster the films went through his mouth then they shot a light through his ass he's dead now it's fine um but yeah he was projectionist during the War uh and uh yeah and the whole thing about it was that um the films were shown from behind the screen instead of behind the audience so everything was always backwards no um they they managed to turn it upside down there was a special machine for that good but used the good thing about the kar is that um it always started with playing the Shadows going and there'll be this black and white scrolling thing going welcome to Britain's unique kinema uh I'm doing I did the voice in my head it was just words uh and it was said um uh seats facing the front brackets like a theater and then it was and then it was a patrons are asked to smoke on the left and in this 200 seat cubical uh you know everyone was just having cigarettes and putting them out in the dark and you know and it was made of wood it's amazing there wasn't an inferno but that's where I first saw um uh young uh uh Einstein starring Yahoo Sirus oh really yeah yeah I was thinking about yah serious the other day the only film I Ed out of really I never saw it but he kind of was big wasn't he for six months Yahoo serus was a big yeah was B he was bigger than Bross do you remember Yahoo serus few not too many people it to be a good observation for my auntie Peter routine but still not very many people Young Einstein yeah what happened to Yahoo serious it's very it's very I you saw me hesitate because it's not to be confused with Young Frankenstein hilarious film but Young Einstein is risible could you go cuz it was so local that that this Cinema yeah this sorry kinema Kar did you know that it was did you know that it was really Cinema that's or well I was pretty [ __ ] confused for a bit you know cuz when the when the only Cinema there is spelled with a K you go but apparently every time I keep trying to read it yeah it was it was did you were you able to go and see 18 films or they you'll know you well enough so that you couldn't do that cuz it's small no they because the thing about a little village is you're famous before you I mean the the feeling around in a little village if anyone grew up in a village is surveillance I mean everybody knows who you are where you live where you are and you know I went back to when I I'm done I went back to live with my dad went back to that Village and you I couldn't move for people and he would come in and say Kathy said you uh you got your lunch from the bakery today when uh there was actually some corn beef in the fridge I'm just everybody everybody knows you everybody knows what you're doing so so CU I had to go to Wells to go to the cinema I was in cheddar so I was 10 miles away that meant we could no but it's good cuz it meant we could get into X films as they were then so me and my friends when we were 14 yeah me and my friends went to see The Other Cinderella and and Cinderella and Kentucky Fried Movie as a double bill marous Kentuck movie was like the airplane before airplane but it had a few rude bits in it Other Cinderella was just a soft porn version of the Cinderella story and we went into the cinema in order of how lightly we thought it was we'd get in not the other way around which would be the plighter way to do it so Phil fry who was the oldest but looked like generally looked 11 years old was the last one in and he was the only one that was questioned uh about how old he was and we all looked very young 14y olds and we all just like no no oh he is he oh he is and they went oh they didn't give a [ __ ] basically I don't know how we got I don't know how we got our parents to drive us to Wells I said we're going to Wells to look at the Cathedral for 2 hours and when we come out we'll all have ring hard on I remember going to all going to going to Boston fair with my friends and we were all about 16 but at the time at the time I was was the tallest and so it was my job to go into the offe and try and buy some beer and I picked up the first four pack that um I could find and strol confidently to the counter and put it down and got served then I came out and then slightly ruined it by walking out the door and going and they all applauded like you know excited grammar school friends that they were I went across and obviously the first thing I picked up was special Brew uh and so we all had a sip or two and then threw up and then and then went on the fairr Riz and then threw up do you find sometimes beer to it tastes like the first beer you ever had you know the first time you drink beer it's so horrible andas drink my grand my Grandad poured a pint of beer and left it on the sideboard and I had I had a taste of the foam and just thought he's out of his [ __ ] mind if he drinks this this is nothing like Coke or lilt sometimes even I'll take a sip for a beer and it will taste like the I had a can of warm Heineken which I'd managed to buy when I was about when I came to London one time with the with the school band and what did you play uh trumpet atass yeah it wasn't wasn't even an official Brass Band because we play Trumpets let's not get into that whole thing um I just had a great question for you and it's gone out of my head oh well never mind I'll do an emergency question to uh to to prop us up uh if you had to date uh choose between dating a man who was a 6ft tall penis yes or and like the fact there's no more question no subsidiary yet y y I know what you're talking about there Rich yeah or a man who instead of having a penis he had a tiny man which so it's a like massive penis okay he's got a face on his head and his penis I need some qualifying questions yes you do so the the man who's a 6ot penis can he talk yeah okay of course he's got a mouth arm uh he hasn't got any arms but what he does to make himself look like a I'm going out with a sort paraplegic penis he can talk but he wears well actually uh with Emma the other week we talked about the idea that he might have he has a false uh shoulders he like wears a suit so he has false shoulders when he goes out he has like he has like um ventris dummy hands on attached to that suit which he could I think if you you know he could use those hat but you know you've got massive penis This Is The Stuff of nightmares would I like to date yeah the big p and and does he is he circumcised have you thought this through uh I haven't thought I don't think he circumcised he's big [ __ ] ballet that talks that may or may not be smell like a [ __ ] he wash you I think he would wash well I'd hope so if you're a [ __ ] you think I mean blind me I wash my [ __ ] most days but if you are just a [ __ ] I think going several time you be in the shower every time you if he was going on a date he'd do every time you piss out the top of your head you go oh I'm sorry I better if you're on a date you just run your head under the he does a handstand with his fake arms sticks his head down the toilet I think it's kind to be laughing at him think it's unkind oh I'm being weird no I prefer the man who's a normal man yeah with a man little man um with a with a small man as of penus because they could be friends uh he's always got someone to talk to so you know he's he's probably more emotionally intelligent because he's always got he's been a friend to his to the where does he we then does he we out of his bottom I think well the problem I imagine that it's the little man has a little man and the little man has all the way around like an as like a sort of sexy aser I say sexy I mean disturbing I would say that he would we out the little man's we wee wee hole you would say that but you're a grown man I don't know where they came from Little it's cuz he's little I thought he had to have a we we will have a little little man's little we wee hole Yeah well yeah now I for um in answer to the question I prefer the man with the with the human for the penis rather than the human penis you were let me remind me never to let you lose track again so that we don't have another emergency question it's reminding me of something I wanted to ask you though that question about that about is about your career you're in a double act I have no idea where this is going David Mitchell did David Mitchell ever attempt to masturbate you with the hand of a 100-year-old vent dummy cuz that happened to me in my double act and I just wondered if that was a thing that that's a normal thing or whether I should contact the police no but tell us about it I've I've told I'll tell you later I've told everyone else enough about this uh so I we'll go into we'll go into dirty brickcom confessions for you which is sadly is STO taking entries for people for some reason but there's a website where comedy fans write their fantasies about comedians oh um and they're quite weird so these are some I don't know if you've seen this this is this is quite a weird one I'm a lesbian uh but David Mitchell and Robert web kissing badly on peep show gets me off it takes all sorts oh that is but that is it's something for everyone what that says about so someone who is not attracted to men at all still gets off on watching two men kissing bad you think it's the fact you were kissing badly that got her excited I thought we kissed rather well um it was it was surprising and I can and I'm it's happening in my brain now um he's got he's got nice full lips um and I was prepared for stubble and there was a bit not much cuz you have to shave before filming most days but um it was it was a good kiss I don't want a [ __ ] problem no she doesn't have a problem she thinks it's terrific I why a gay woman would be excited by watching me and David kiss badly or help you you're quite feminine looking men it could be that maybe yeah it's interesting I don't know I mean that is the last thing I would expect uh when you were doing the kiss in this yes but most of the I don't remember that is that in Peach show or is that in it's in the uh second series I think it's where it's the they go to a boat house type place and Mark has had to Skinny Dip uh with Jeremy and Nancy and Sophie and then there's this [ __ ] character called Gwyn uh played by an actor who auditioned for super hands uh as did uh Russell Brand anyway uh and yeah we'd still be on series 9ine wouldn't we anyway uh so uh so um so gwin the gwin character is being all sexy and blah blah blah and then they all start getting off with each other and then there's a spin the bottle thing so I kiss Mar oh yeah I I watched it all again recently because it's on Netflix I believe is it yeah so we watched it we watched it from start to finish but we watched it you know like four or five it's very good very good should have been main it's a very good it's a very good me and stew and Russell Brand un with Russell watching Matt King's performance go [ __ ] no mate um here's another one uh I met this is this this will make you uh pause the thought I met Robert Webb and then cried in an Alleyway while licking my hand that shook his were they tears of I mean what think think these are great quotes but then we I just want I just want the context was it because because I had because I was cuz I was using a really really firm handshake and I just I just fractured a I don't know I don't know if the tears of joy I don't think I have a firm handshake so yeah cried they were licking presumably just to lick your sweat off their own hand crying I mean you know I've heard I won't wash for a week but not I'm going to cry and lick and your tears would get mixed up in that and you wouldn't be able to tell the salty Robert web sweat from your own salty Brack I'm really trying to feel flattered and God knows it you know it comes easily but no that person needs to look at their life yeah well I think this other person does as well I've never found Robert web and David Mitchell as attractive as when they wore Nazi uniforms Christ so sexy and so wrong look those Nazis knew how to dress they did nothing El I must say I caught myself uh knowing that we were doing that sketch that day I I was shaving so carefully and I like what the [ __ ] are you doing you're paying the compliment to Nazis but they were if they did one thing right they were P puntius about uh facial hair yeah so yeah um I just imagine you looking yourself in the mirror wearing that uniform licking your own hands crying licking my helmet so back to Lincolnshire which is which is what I'm mainly interested this I've decided to mainly make this about people's uh before they were famous uh fact when I when I was writing I very briefly wrote I very briefly wrote for uh Harry Hills uh TV burp I want to say very briefly for one week okay I've done quite a few of things like this I wrote for Russell Howard for about two weeks but I ate so much Haribo they sat me with with Harry Hill I realized it was a it was an impossibly difficult show to write for but they he they we came up in that table with quite a good idea of before they were famous which is just someone in their flat and then the phone rings and they go what I got it fantastic that's great cheers uh and then a show called after they're famous when the phone ring those so they're not making anymore they're definit that's definitely it thanks don't they used to it though it it reminds me of when uh cuz we're talking about advert I'm load to bring it back to adverts but when D and I did the mac and PC thing and we done it and a few mon months went by and the iPhone came out or whatever whatever the new thing was 2007 probably an iPhone but and and uh they got in touch and the we were working for these very mild-mannered and and softly spoken Californian ad uh people and we were in an office just me and David uh on this conference call with our agent and they and this call came through we we love what you did and we were so excited about how you U the characters of the mac and PC were so beautiful and absolutely great we we just feel we just feel that we're we're kind of moving on now and we' like to devote our energies in a slightly different direction and we were there are we fired over it's not really Robert it's not really a question of fire but you don't want to give us any more money you've got an iPhone now over nice them to tell you though usually those things they just don't tell you work it out mild maned I'm still waiting the next series of this morning rich not Judy I haven't heard I've never heard it's not might the second series of Bruiser yeah I I love Bruiser that was that was a traffic but before that you worked as a truck driver yes is that true yes it is okay where have I written about that how do you know that I went very deep this week I went really deep Jesus um yeah no in between uh after I um uh left college and I worked as an Asher for a bit and then that was too horrible to carry on with and then uh my flatmate was going out with uh someone who uh work for a sort of lighting events company who would uh take lights to events uh to people's like weddings and stuff uh and he needed a driver and I had a perfectly good normal driving license and it turns out you can drive a 7 1 half ton truck with a normal driving license and uh he gave me sort of 10 minutes Che ition in how to drive this truck 7 half T by the way is about as big as it gets before it becomes an articulated lurry but they're pretty big um and so I went out driving this it's not that I couldn't drive it although they have these air brakes that basically you go and it goes like that so there's a lot of that and I was with these two Australians who uh they were sort of I identifi them as alpha males and alpha males have always been kind to me because they sense vulnerability and then and and that I'm not a threat and so the first time I caused a bit of a traffic jam cuz I stalled obviously trying to get onto the M25 and one of them wound the window down went there go mate he's doing his [ __ ] best and then I would just and this is before this is before sat Ms and so I just get lost we get lost and then the truck would break down and then they would go we're going to I am so [ __ ] cranky about this and then we have to spend the night in the cab and they it was a lot there was a lot of farting it's three people on this sort of just this sort of long seat in front of a window yeah trying to sleep yeah like that it was you know you can understand why so many Lor drivers become serial killers that's that's it starts to make sense yeah no I was and then I got lost on my own in spitt fields which is like one of the oldest bits of London and not designed for large Trunks and uh and with my yorky and my my A to Z and it and it just start I was lost well [ __ ] what are they going to do I'm just going to stop and get my map out cuz they don't know that I look like a tiny child they as far as they're concerned there's this massive [ __ ] truck in front of them and they'll just have to beat their little horns yeah how long did the job last that job last I did it I six days yeah £80 a day which was a king's Ransom It's [ __ ] amazing because because I've been doing I've been ushering at the lyric Hammersmith for £10 a night uh irrespective of how long or short the play was and so you'd see you'd see a whatever play it was uh 40 times or at least the first half or the second half 40 times so you sort of swap with someone so that you didn't have to see the first half again and the only good thing that I didn't mind seeing 40 times was Harry Hill right uh but everything else Jesus Christ cuz I remember asking you are you to run a gig at the lyric ham and I think I asked you and Robert to come down sorry you and David to come you're Robert I've done the thing that I everyone does to me uh they always call me Robert so uh is they they I asked you to come down and you kind of s me the back gang yeah no really don't want to come we've got we've got the fear we're not setting foot in that [ __ ] place ever again um so we might the money's right there's lot Bruiser was really great I remember Bruiser and the genius step you had about that is you put a Tim from the office in that before anyone thought of doing that that was the well Tim from the office wasn't M and dav's idea well uh he uh no the director saw him in a thing and and cast Martin Freeman and daveid and I were were hilariously threatened by by Martin uh if I merry so we were children um but Martin was uh you know he talked to girls you know he was kind of smooth he was a bit Charming he was very very sincere he talked about he was very open and me and David were kind oh here goes Martin Martin is going to talk to the makeup artist like about his problems and be all [ __ ] understanding about being done by her boyfriend and Marty just wants to [ __ ] we know we know what we know what Marty's game is don't we David oh here we go oh look he's got they brought him in a car but he's sitting in the front what a scab letting us all down sitting in the front because he's a proletary he's talking to the driver cuz he won't sit in the back even though that's the form he won't obey the form David did you think he would go on to be an international movie star no no I thought I thought he was I thought he was very good in uh in Peep Show I thought I thought you he wasn't even in peep show twap he I thought he was ping in in some the sketches in Bruiser but uh I didn't no I didn't think he'd be a movie star honestly um and I've seen him in films and I think he's great have you got his phone number cuz I'd like to get him on this no I haven't no I haven't spoken to him since I only got you on so we could get I'm friends with his wife on Twitter I know Olivia Coleman's husband do you think if I tweeted U Tim from the office his wife who follows me on Twitter cuz she said something to me on Twitter and said can you ask him from the office to be on my podcast you think that would be insulting to her uh no no okay I'll do that I don't know I've never met her I've got no data I think I think you should give it I think you should go for it you I think you should reach reach for the stars or the hobbits or um we want to talk about we were talking backstage about nudity and you were you were famously nuded at Birth famously nude yeah and I've barely got dressed since you were in the film confetti I was which is a a strange film is it an improvised film yes it was um well not according to the credits because if you look at who wrote it it was written by Debbie Isaac okay who directed it um but what I remember um was that uh no it was the whole point was that it was the a deeply derivative sorry an original um uh improvisational thing sort of Christopher Guest stroke Mike Lee but not as good as that um thing where three couples compete to have the most original wedding and uh collie and I AR know for a long time I get to call by a nickname don't hate me Olivia Coleman and I were played uh two nudists or naturists as they prefer um the trouble with that is you get when you really get into the heart of what naturism is there is this massive nothingness which is it is just people doing normal stuff except without any clothes on so you can't can't really play that that's not a character um so we spent you know there wasn't any rehearsal what I gather from people who worked in other improvised films is that they rehearse and they rehearse and they rehearse and they rehearse and eventually there's something you call a script and then they shoot that and that's the film what we did was talk and talk and talk about the nudity issue or the other couples you know Steve Mangan you know lots of brilliant people in it uh talk about talk about their characters and and then they turn up then they get into costume and then they they're on the set and then Debbie Isaac goes this is the scene cuz she's worked out everything but secretly not telling anybody not telling anybody what's going on because the the process is obviously more important than the outcome um and she would sort of say so the the scene is um you're going to have an argument about the tennis and then there'll be a row go and then so you know so you do a 20 minute take um and then you hear eventually cut and then you go how is that Debbie and she goes I suppose I find something in the edit we've got to move on and then so you do that for a while but but and that's that's everyone else but what we had colie and I were doing that but naked and we're not naturists and we're not used to being and there is such a thing as a nudity taboo there are good evil reasons why we're why we feel shame um and uh we were feeling some shame I was feeling a bit of shame I think I'm kind of unremarkable sort of nothing special but fine uh Olivia should really not have taken that part she thinks she's worse than fine and she so she's kind of like this whole time you just want to run in with a towel every time you or a blanket every time you see her on that screen and so it was a deeply deeply miserable cuz there there are two sort of you know you're doing it there and there are oh it's a closed set so only 40 men standing around um and then there's that aspect of it and then there's the it goes out on International release aspect it so there's the there's the thing at the time then there's the thing later do you think you were going to be pixelated though that's what it says we I have to be careful at this point cuz I know you can't afford lawyers okay um uh uh I think everybody heard what they wanted to hear but it was my sincere impression at the time that um it was made uh clear to me that uh due to the genre of the film um that the genre will be a mock documentary thing and according to that genre what happens is that genitals are pixelated and so I got the impression rightly or wrongly from the lying [ __ ] de is as I thought of her for a while um possibly wrongly that that's um that's what would happen um but that turned out not to happen as I discovered when I went to the cast and crew screening at least they usually in that situation if they're going to pixelate it they would give you a little uh what's it called a ball bag there's something there's something's pouch it's something no I mean I did understand playing in naturous then you know you can't do it with your underpants on but I just thought it would I thought what would there would be there would be establishing shots where you tell the story these people haven't got any clothes on and then you're up here or you're long shots again what I didn't expect would be you 15c shots where I'm competing for attention with my own [ __ ] uh which as I say is not a remarkable [ __ ] uh I wouldn't have done the film if I if it was a weird color or strangely thin or you know anything any peculiar about it but uh but still you do get upstage by that because uh we're not used to seeing flaccid [ __ ] we're used to seeing AED [ __ ] if we watch porography but we are not used to seeing the bloke from peep Show's [ __ ] so it draws the [Laughter] eye so no one's really listening to what I'm saying which is fine because I'm improvising and the bit of my brain that's supposed to be good at improvising is just thinking everyone can see your car so Debbie ISAC managed to get out of me my worst ever performance and my [ __ ] good uh and that's all the story of confet I like it's all right it's all right film all right yeah people I think I think it was probably all right I think out of I think it was I think it was you know there been a lot it was fine there been a lot of British comedy films and most of them not not very well most of them are worse yeah yeah de are worse the her other films are worse in conf what other think of fetty well I haven't seen them okay I might have seen them but she's done Nativity Nativity 2 I think Nativity 3 yeah um other things did the in those films did the children just get on the adults playing them aren't they yeah I I don't know be quite good if there's just 20-y old kid they do Nativity 20 and it's a 24 year old going why are we back doing another Nativity Play We had to we got well Santa has his balls hanging out but they really are pixelator are you ever confused with Robert Webb the 18th century politician and Merchant no and I didn't know I love this section of the show and I didn't know there was one I know that I I didn't go back and look but I for a while uh when I was obsessively Googling myself in search of recognition the other Rob there were at least two marine biologists called robt I don't of Robert kweb who specialized in the systematics of turtle family China ke right that guy cuz if you ever get confused with him that's maybe you get invited onto the BBC News like that guy that Taxi Driver ended up talking on the news they go so Robert tell us about the you know it' be worth I've never taken my toes up on in a film what and there was also a 19 century English cricketer you have really yeah I thought there'd be more famous Robert webs they're not they're not uncommon names either of them so you'd think but not that many okay I'm I'm I feel fine about that okay um how do you I you know the I'm trying to find what it was called the series yes the the series you did great movie mistakes that was a mean-spirited piece of work I think George the sand man George the sand man back there you met earlier yeah he hates you because of that yeah I got that when I did ambassadors uh it was comedy drama that wasn't um comedy enough uh for to get a recommission um or or drama enough to get recommission from the drama but anyway that's another sad story but um uh and there was a a a Russian uh oh [ __ ] I'm going to be in trouble he was a a Serbian actor uh who called himself Yugoslavian which is why he can tell he's Serbian but he was but he was doing uh god let's get into trouble um but he was uh but he said I've seen your uh your movie mistakes I [ __ ] hated you for that and yeah no it's very you know I did it I did four of them and then some did four of them didn't just do one of them and go oh I better not do that again no I did four four count them four and then papy's fun Club did the fifth one and that was years ago as well but they get repeated all all all the time no I didn't I mean one of the I think the third one is quite well written um yeah no I what can I tell you it's it's just pointing out continuity errors and things really yeah no it's look at these [ __ ] look at the [ __ ] you have got the name of the continuity on what the [ __ ] was this [ __ ] thinking on this day let that can of beans look at this [ __ ] can of beans just moved well I'm trying to I Really Am look she's drinking some wine and then the next shop CS [ __ ] C it would you believe it what a load of professional people the weird thing was it sort feeds into this this sort of persona I think comes out of Jeremy and Peep Show where I was getting jobs to behave like a cun and so it gets written so comedy writers or some people are are hired to do this stuff and they they there's the script and I've said yes and now it's everybody's ready and I'm there it's all the aut que and yeah but it's a mistake I only make four times wasn't even on proper tell you kind of got paid that much for it for two days work it it's it's some money yeah I mean yeah um what do you want for me I think if I was a continuity announcer and continuity person who worked on anything you worked on subsequently I would just [ __ ] up every single shot you and I'd put like big [ __ ] pointing your head if I just behind you all the crew just get their [ __ ] out and rest them on your shoulder they are professional they they won't they won't often do that the thing is by the time you know it CU there's a thing called you comment or you there's there's a technical term for it I'm sorry I forgotten um you have to make a comment about a clip in order to be able to show the clip for free fairing sorry fairing Fair dealing thank you very much exactly right who are you that's Ben Walker the producer I thought it was a heck but it is it is the produc an impressive Heckle from the audience uh so fair dealing rules thank you um uh you have to like use at least two objectives about the about the thing that you're the clip that you're talking about and for a while there in from series 1 till four I'd say say um the writers just thought picked two sarcastic and horrible adjectives to describe thing so I'm just this horrible sarcastic wanker going in the disappointing and shabby sequel to and then you may say it took me quite a long time to realize this was a mistake I agree um but I didn't do the fifth one I like coming up with ideas for terrorists atrocities do you ever do that I've got I've got a new one I I thought of this last week but I forgot what it was you know like outside tube stations quite a lot people there's like Attractive people handing out cans of Coke or Kit Kats and stuff on promotions you Attractive people things out I see some really I see some dieni and grotesque well even they don't have to be attractive but there's some people giving out like free chocolate bars and cans of drink they just put a slow acting poison into all of those you could wipe out about 3 or 4,000 people I would say I think you could beat 9911 or into the but I'm not I'm not saying do it but I'm just saying if I was a terrorist I would that's what I'd be you'd be aiming for in anything under 911 is like yeah what was the point in that all the free uh so you could and what I'm saying it's pretty easy to kill lots of people and terrorists do really [ __ ] apart from 9/11 they do really [ __ ] bad they're not happy people and they not you know so they haven't had time to plan because they're they're too busy being angry uh but maybe you could do that with the the free uh Cab's chocolate you get they keep trying to push on you in wh Smiths every time you buy a pencil sharp nut would you like a massive bit of hole nut no I [ __ ] wouldn't I think the chist would have to get wh Smith on board to make that to make that work that seems like a lot of maybe that's exactly what's happening with the capitalist geog Global thingy whatnot could be yeah yeah to try to get less customers yeah yeah so they can charge the existing the surviving customers more exactly yeah doesn't quite work you ever had any I've got loads of terrorist ideas I would be brilliant at being a terrorist and I've been mediocre as a comedian so I think maybe I should maybe I should move over to terrorism I think you're wonderful I don't think I don't think I've given this enough thought no um it's just interesting kind of it's interesting someone goes straight away yes I have 10 plans Bob Mor had quite a lot of quite horrific ideas just general murder of his wife and stuff like that as well beyond that's not even what I was asking if you got like a zeppelin yeah and you lowered it into uh Wembley Stadium on World Cup final tonight or FA Cup Final assuming we're not hosting the World Cup final we might be well we might be this is exactly but let's assume it's full yeah and you put like you know those um the kids have have plastic where you put the thing down and it's got a sort of sticker and it sticks down and then it stays there for a bit and then it pops up I do yeah but a really lethal version of that and you cover the lower part of the Zeppelin with those it would take a lot of trouble to time it yeah I'm not saying this is easy yeah to time it so they all pop down at the same time and they're all poison tipped and there's one for everyone there yeah no dice I think once you got the Zeppelin into lower into the Wembley just a big bomb inside the Zeppelin let's assume the Zeppelin is made of not safe helium but actual good oldfashioned hydrogen so they can't shoot it no [ __ ] hell I think out I would just say why not just forget about the little bumpy things just put the Zeppelin for of hydrogen into Wembley and like but where's the fun with the also you've chosen a very slow it's like a very slow that's that's what makes like coming up three miles away that's what makes it Ma that's what makes it Sinister that it happens in like [ __ ] slow motion like all nightmares do what's what's that um that's coming this way this is a good game of football football fans probably say I'm enjoying the football what's that unbelievably slow moving Zeppelin I didn't think they did do they do they do Zeppelin they still do Zeppelin they did this one A zeppelin oh well done Brian Robson here comes the Zeppelin I wonder what it's doing why is it lowering why is it full of those poppy poppy oh know it is I like the poppy things simp is you stick you stick to Comedy and being rude about continuity mistakes that's what you're good at don't don't don't do uh blowing things up I haven't asked you any emergency questions people will be annoyed and we're going to have to stop soon so um have you ever tried to suck your own [ __ ] yes good uh successfully from the ages of 13 to 15 wow it's my own C it's not your C and did you stop because you became less limbo or because she became bored on we about because my [ __ ] shrank uh no I've seen your [ __ ] it doesn't look all that impressive I think uh I think yeah 13 13 to 14 yeah it was was where I was maximum bendy which technique did you did you go legs over feet on the wall yeah feet on the wall yeah and then and then over forward and then over I what you don't want at that point is you cuz my mom did walk in on me uh when I was in a more conven uh position under the but I was in bed and there was just a bit of what uh and that was fine but if she if she caught me while I was doing that I think I'd have broken my neck so that was lucky it was my mom only caught me after I man she thought she caught me wanking but she caught me after I was I was I was in the post orgasmic Delight under the under the sheets lying back then she opened the door without knocking and I went and just went straight but then she thought that she caught me wanking but Mom you hadn't caught me wanking so so loser that's what they're trying to do think you got that on me haven't [ __ ] you you'll die first would you rather have a hand made out of ham or an armpit that dispens sun cream a hand made out of ham yeah and you can eat you can eat it grow back yeah well then it's a ready supply you eat it and it grows back I wouldn't get much done well if you ate it all in my typing hand if you could be you can choose let you choose which if you uh if you eat it all it takes like a month to grow back if you nibble it it I can imagine licking it quite often but but only in private yeah I don't know do people do the people around me accept this is they've got used it they're not they accept as much you accept them gigantic penis man that you seem to think was ridiculous I did find him a little bit um armpit the dispensed sun cream like enough for you to use through the whole year that's silly it is is silly it's silly yeah I'd never i' never really thought that I think that's farf I probably needed to be told that I've asked that question to a lot of people and everyone else has just taken in good faith and no I think that's silly if your finger could travel through time what would whose anus would you finger first interesting that you in that way if you're invisible whose face would you sit on first that's that's that's I'm going to ask that in the next joke uh if I if I if my finger could go through time yeah what would you do with it and where would you go where would your finger go and what would it do I've adapted this question cuz I it used to be would you rather this is a this is a stupid question right would you rather had a finger that could travel through time or or a tip that dispenses talcon powder no one chooses that no one chooses the tip that expenses I'm not much of a tal person no but no one is it's not it's a stupid Choice it's kind of fun yeah but only for about the first 16 times at most I mean I'm we're all getting we're all getting a lot of enjoyment out of that but only one it's not it's not two tits It's one tit I love one that doesn't work I suspect that the MIM and the sound effect is more fun than the reality uh you got to imagine though it's like I mean I wouldn't be you'd have to would have this he's taking all his clothes off the people are listening to just the audio version of this are quite confus me very sh if they're listening to that um I am naked right now so I've changed it to um just what would you do if you could if your finger could travel through time my finger could travel through time go anywhere you want just your finger you can look through the side and see where it is any and it can travel in time man space so it's not just oh here we are in the Le Square Theater I've just touched Joan Collins doing the show last year it can go anywhere good you know uh i' probably anyone's [ __ ] you want I I probably i' probably finger Hitler up the assole so that he'd relax a bit so what just when he got turned down from art school and he was having a wank and then I'd put a finger up his bottom and suddenly his wank would be strangely more threatening and yet more pleasurable and he he just go oh actually this is everything's fine you it's fine being from art school I don't need to kill 50 million people in a world apocalypse would you not worry that you doing that is what would be would send Hitler on his crazy spree cuz up to that point he was like you've chosen the exact point where he's just an art student suppose my question you could have done it and it's gone in and hit's gone didn't like that I'm now going to become the furer and I suppose I'm starting from the premise that he already was a [ __ ] yeah but you don't know that cuz you don't that's how time works you don't know maybe it was your finger going back through time that made him into that you tried to change history ruined it it's your fault in fact your finger is more responsible than Hitler what you're saying we should chop off your finger now just so that you can't do that and then we can save the world I think we should do it just as a in case you finished no um good I'll let that be the last word okay well we you know didn't ask any really anything about Peep Show is it coming back oh yeah uh I've got a question about Peep Show is there anything you haven't said about peep show yet in your life that you would like to [Laughter] [Music] say you mean how how much like are me and David like our characters yeah uh no I think I've said I think I I think I've explained Peep Show to my satisfaction and that can be the title of this episode I think I've explained Peep Show to my satisfaction ladies and Gentlemen please give it up for RIT web thank you very much there's an interval we back with Lou five DVDs you like thank you very much I'll give this away in the second half thank [Music] you [Music] [Music] how' you like them Sky potatoes thank you for watching Rich tanks leester Square Theater podcast which was sponsored by crom motion.com go there for all your crom motions that's like Bird poo now I think about it oh disgusting uh I do have to mention in this closing monologue this has been sponsored also by Chris Hopkins we are we gave him the option of leaving a message and the message he left was an i with an umlout above it an upside down question mark and a half you know you can use this for whatever you want and that might mean something that might be some code for some terrorist attack that once that gets said said uh Nu clear codes are launched I don't know uh if you've enjoyed these podcasts you can help donate to go to gaster stripe.com badges all of your money will go to Future podcast in fact probably mainly to and as it occurs to me podcasts if you go to donate per monthly but you can make a one-off donation you can also get a casat for question or me calling you or your friend a [ __ ] idiot by donating some money there and then emailing Chris gofas strike.com actually email him first and check that there there's something left uh anyway that was the I hope you enjoyed it

Channel: Richard Herring

Views: 81,493

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Id: 16xLrzEuLoM

Length: 71min 4sec (4264 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 08 2015