#RelationshipGoals - Marriage | Jennifer Toledo | Expression58

hope you guys are good does anybody's uh did anybody spouse drag you here today no there were a few hands on first service and then somebody grabbed their husband's hand and put it down as awesome well if you were here last week we started talking about relationships and last week we talked about singleness and dating and hashtag relationship goals and today we're gonna talk about marriage and so if you're like oh my gosh why am I here I'm single this is the best time to talk about marriage and to learn what God has to say about marriage while you're single because if you can get God's heart in that it could really save you some drama down the line yeah but but I do want to talk about this today and really just want to get God's heart in this area because I feel like you know marriage I think so often it's something that's so intimate and personal in our lives and depending on your background or the church you grew up in or the family you come from we probably have a very very very mixed bag of feelings surrounding that and so our heart is just to really get God's heart in that get God's perspective in that one thing I want to just highlight that I talked about last week in terms of dating but this is 100 percent the same for marriage is your relationships are only going to be as healthy as you are as an individual and so you know really understanding your singleness and working on your individuality in that season is vital to the health of your marriage and if you're already married that doesn't mean that you you know your time of working on yourself is over and everybody's spouse said Amen right it's a life process of growth of developing of becoming a better version of yourself of becoming more like God and so we really want to get God's heart on this matter so we're gonna we're going to get in the word this morning and so I want to go right back to the beginning and I want to lay some framework for where we even see marriage first discussed in the Bible and I think it's important that we understand this because so many people I talked to like the vast majority of their perspective on marriage comes from their cultural understanding of it not actually what the Bible says so we're gonna look at the Bible that's always a really great idea so and we're gonna be in Genesis 2 we're gonna start there and we'll have it on the screens for you can follow along Genesis 2 verses 18 to 25 then the Lord God said it's not good for the man to be alone all the men said Wow I will make a helper who is just right for him so the Lord God formed from the ground all the wild animals and all the birds of the sky he brought them to the man to see what he would call them and the man chose a name for each one he gave names to all the livestock all the birds of the sky and all the wild animals but still there was no helper just right for him so the Lord caused the man to fall into a deep sleep while the man slept the Lord took out one of the man's ribs and closed up the opening and then the Lord God made a woman from the rib and he brought her to the man at last the man exclaimed this one is bone from my bone and flesh from my flesh she will be called woman because she was taken from man this explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife and the two are united say United the two are united into one now the man and his wife were both naked but they felt no shame also getting amens so here's the first account of humanity here's the first account of you know God creating people and you see God creating you know men and women and then you see this picture of them being united together now I'm gonna read one more account of the same story it's it happens a chapter before this Genesis chapter 1 because I want you to hear both accounts Genesis 1:26 through 28 then God said let us make human beings in our image to be like us they'll reign over the fish in the sea the birds in the sky the livestock all the wild animals on the earth and the small animals that scurry along the ground so God created human beings in his own image in the image of God he created them male and female he created them then God blessed them and said be fruitful and multiply fill the earth and govern it rain over the fish in the sea the birds in the sky and all the animals that scurry along the ground I love this I love this passage I love that when God creates people right God creates men and women he he presents them to each other and I love this because the words the very first command that he gives them is be fruitful and multiply fill the earth govern rain these are very powerful words and you see right from the very beginning of time the intention of God that men and women would come together to be powerful that's always the heart of God that men and women would come together to be powerful it was never the intention of God that only men would be powerful or that only women would be power for that women could do it without men no it's the mint it's men and women coming together both fully standing in their God identity both fully standing with God in the garden being fully who they are that together that is how we're going to change the world together that's how we're going to multiply how we're going to rain how we're gonna have dominion how we're gonna how we're going to shift things it was always the heart of God from the very beginning of time that the strategy was to unite so that we could conquer that's powerful but you'll see from the very beginning if you know the story in the garden just as God had an intention for men and women to come together and United to have impact to conquer the enemy saw that and was terrified at the unity between men and women and so right from the get-go what is the very first thing the enemy went after right he went after his concept being divide and conquer get them to blame each other get them to turn see if we if I can get them out of out of unity they'll they'll they'll end up making poor choices they'll end up walking out of relationship with God it all begins to go downhill and so you see this strategy from the beginning of time where the enemy is constantly trying to sow disunity between people and you see the heart of God has always been unity unlocks us into our full potential now doesn't mean everybody's going to get married that doesn't mean that you know marriage isn't for everybody it's a hard pill to swallow it's the truth not everybody's called to get married right but this is in general humanity men and women fully being powerful being who God has called them to be and only together arm and arm can we truly bear the image of God were called to bear on the earth and be fruitful in a way we're called to be fruitful you with me so when sin in turn not only did it bring a break between man and God but it also ruptured the original communion between man and woman Adam and Eve blamed each other for what happened and we're now embarrassed by their nakedness so you begin to see this when sin entered in not only did it break start a breakdown in their relationship with God but it started a breakdown in the God original dream and intention for marriage are you tracking with me and then all throughout the Old Testament we see this begin to take we see the effects of sin we begin to see how that affects relationship I'm not going to go into all of that but the Old Testaments got lots of stories weird ones crazy ones but um it shows how sin affected the goodness of marriage right there's polygamy of the patriarchs and the kings Moses allowed divorce because of the people's hardness of heart says men and women did not treat one another with integrity honor and love as God had intended and so you see the breakdown you see this kind of living under the curse if you will you see the effects of sin in what this beautiful covenant relationship was supposed to look like and so you do that for a couple thousand years and then people think that's normal right so we have this you know since creation this concept of marriage had existed but then we also see in the Old Testament God really uses a lot of language around this concept of marriage to identify himself Isaiah 54 5 says for your creator will be your husband the Lord of heavens armies is his name he is your Redeemer the Holy One of Israel the God of all the earth then Jesus in the New Testament uses lots of similar language he refers to himself as the bridegroom and the church is the bride he tells the story of the ten virgins who are invited to the wedding feast of the bridegroom right he he all in his allies you hear this language and you hear God using that marriage covenant over and over to talk about his relationship to the church which is interesting right what was God's original intention and that why did God talk so much about covenant why was that important to God what what was this about and you begin to understand that the original dream and intention in the heart of God was that as as man and woman were linked together with God in the midst of it that was supposed to model to the world what God's relationship with humanity looks like one that doesn't walk away one that's always pursuing you one that loves you one that's patient one that's that's totally committed and invested in you and so when we don't know how to do marriage a kingdom way or we choose not to do it a kingdom way we're actually robbing the world the ability to see this beautiful reflection of God's pursuit of them and so God has a very invested interest how we love each other well because it's what puts him on display to the world around us and I think about this too well you know when God made people he said let us make man in our image let us make them in our image male and female he created them so you're made in the image of God and you think about God God's perfect unity the Father Son the Holy Spirit right you're made in that image you are designed for unity you're designed for deep connection you're designed for deep relationship and the enemy is very terrified by that and works really hard to constantly divide us I think it's really important to remember this if you're gonna if you're gonna do marriage in a kingdom way it just cannot be oh hello how's it going we forgot our kid we're really killing it at marriage right now I love my favorite so great apparently one of three okay one of three didn't make it to Sunday school all right we we got two of three where they needed to go winning he's like uh hello you guys forget me okay don't mind us if you're gonna really do marriage from a kingdom way you have to do it with God in the center you have to it's it can't your mindset about marriage can't just be me and this other person in a relationship kingdom marriage always was to people with God in the middle United you know the picture that sometimes you maybe have seen it's like a triangle God here and husband and wife here and in that triangle you're linked together right and as you're both in pursuit of God you get closer and closer together in unity you're both in pursuit of God right God has to be in the center of your marriage like I said last week it's not like when you're you know you know the difference in a dating relationship where you just date somebody and you're like totally trying to drag God into it be like blessed blessed Lord that's that and he's like I hate this you know like I want to throw up you know and you're just like desperate for God to bless it versus God being in the middle and everything you're doing is around God right marriage is the same way it's putting God in the middle letting him really lead letting God be the focal point and together as you're both growing closer to God you know you become more unified so I'm just gonna say this I mean I feel like I married the most amazing person on the planet but yeah you can shout out for that but anybody who's been married for more than five minutes knows that being married to the right person is still really hard everybody's like what you're not married okay or you're afraid because your spouse is looking at you like don't even say it it's true marriage is hard it can be hard not that it's not good not that it's not rewarding not that it's not worth it but it's hard if you're gonna do it the kingdom way why is it hard it's hard because there's for God so love love looks like something for God so loved the world he gave real love doesn't look like just a big sexy party and life's so easy and I just gonna sit here real love looks like sacrifice it looks like I'm gonna give of myself I'm going to you know serve you when I'm tired and I don't want to right and so I think sometimes people have this mentality of like I'm just like waiting for like my soulmate who just loves me exactly as I am and doesn't want me to change okay that sounds awesome let me tell you something good luck finding somebody that wants you exactly as you are right that sounds awesome until they don't put the toilet seat down and you're like could you please you know just change a little or whatever like if you're not changing in marriage you're not doing it right if you're not constantly changing in marriage you're not doing it right because marriage is about growing in love it's about growing sacrificing serving giving right people are always changing so we're in constant pursuit of that person so it's a little quiet Christ has to be at the center and I want to say this too I think be really careful and maybe even challenge yourself a little bit hold up your views about marriage and then really think about is this a cultural view or is this a kingdom view because I think people can get those really mixed up not that there's anything wrong with cultural views but you know I think you need to be very aware because I think sometimes that the challenge is when people hold a cultural view in the same standard as a biblical viewer and I hear people do this all the time they will say a cultural thing and then say it's biblical and you're like prove that to me in Scripture right and you have to be careful with that I I've heard a lot of sermons preached on this is God's intention for marriage and I'm like tell me what scriptures we're all talking about America 5:44 like what are we what birth is that right America 1952 what verse are we talking out of right so once again God has a lot to say about marriage and make sure what you're you're you line it up with his word especially in a place like Los Angeles Church alone we have over 60 different cultures right which is awesome but we all bring our cultural lens of what we think God says marriage looks like we need to come to the word first and foremost get God's heart for his intention be you know for covenant relationship be good okay um you know I heard my dear dear dear friend Tim Keller he doesn't know we're friends but he's like a father to me I love him anyways I heard pastor Tim Keller talk about this before this this aspect she was asked you know well you know we love each other so why do we need some kind of a legal document why does this need to be legal why why do we have to be married and I thought the way he answered it was brilliant because he talked about um he talked about covenant he the legal covenant and how legal covenant makes marriage more intimate not less and they talked about a consumer relationship and he said you know you have a consumer relationship with your grocer so you go to your grocer because they have good produce at a good cost but if there's another grocer that has better produce at a better cost you're gonna go to a different row sure and that's okay because that's a consumer relationship but in covenant relationship like say the parent-child relationship and you have a kid and you know they're acting up they're being annoying or you give birth to a child that looks like a baby alien because nobody warned you that's how they look sometimes and you're like can I leave it somewhere you know and you you give up that kid or you you abandon that child see there's legal consequences for abandoning a child why because it's a covenant relationship we look at those kinds of relationships differently than a consumer relationship right and so understanding so many times people go into marriage like a consumer relationship what can I get from this I'm gonna be here as long as you're meeting my needs until somebody else can meet them better or whatever and he talks about the you know the value of why we put laws in place to protect things that are sacred and he said the legal contract of marriage creates a cradle of security for your vulnerability you can be more intimate more yourself more known because the legalities of it means somebody won't just walk away it creates stability it creates freedom if you don't know the discipline of making a promise and sticking with it you're not a free person you're a slave to your impulses you're a slave to your feelings but that was powerful and so when you really think about this okay so marriage was God's design he had a dream for it he he brought men and women together to be United why outside of together we're gonna you know multiply and be fruitful and change the world you know what happens in marriage is it transforms you it grows you it matures you it provides countless opportunities for character change countless I asked people on Facebook recently what were some of the the best best marriage advice they'd been given and there was tons of good answers but I'll tell you a few of them someone said choose to be kind instead of being right or always strive for understanding not winning the disagreement you have to keep doing what you did to get them some snaps happen up in here somebody's like snapping it in their spouses face did you hear that no you have to keep doing what you did to get them like you continue the pursuit right your battle is not against flesh and blood and remember you're on the same team speak out gratitude towards each other every day some said don't go to bed angry others said just go to bed angry and see if this even still matters to you in the morning that's great advice I would say 80% of our rtm arguments between hone and I can be fixed with a nap or lunch you know like we're just all kind of hangry right now use I feel statements and never say the words I know why you did that or I know what you're thinking don't even think those words use I feel statements not you did did it at you or you know what I feel I feel hurt when you whatever it making that adjustment really will help don't sweat the small stuff choose your battles always keep a date night and try to get a few weekends away every year laugh often have more sex and invest in counseling whether you think you need it or not an unspoken expectation is an unfair expectation okay back by popular demand a non spoken expectation is an unfair expectation nobody is a mind reader and no one should just know right you should just know I won't talk about expectations for a moment because I think this is huge in marriage and two things I want to talk about getting rid of unrealistic expectations and getting rid of unspoken expectations unrealistic expectations I think sometimes we expect our spouse or we give them the job whether they know it or not of making us happy and keeping us happy right or we expect them to understand obviously we live in the same house we have these same children you should understand what I'm thinking or what I'm feeling or what I need right and it's just unrealistic sometimes I know this might be hard your spouse is just never gonna understand they just might not and that's okay you know saying this earlier you know talk about irreconcilable differences hold on I have had irreconcilable difference differences for fifteen years I mean it's just true we are never going to agree on what is safe for children to do never never no we are never going to agree on what is the appropriate age children should learn to drive that recently came up in my facebook post last summer my eight-year-old learned to drive on like a cliff in Ecuador yeah we're never gonna agree right we're never going to agree on the proper speed you should drive on the freeway like you're gonna have things you're just never going to agree on and part of that is understanding with expectations you cannot have your spouse fill a role they weren't designed to fill if you're not getting your security your joy your peace from God looking to your spouse you become a victim to your spouse then and you give somebody way too much power in your life well you're making me unhappy somebody shouldn't have that kind of power over our life right that our whole life is dependent and ever all my peace is dependent on how somebody else is behaving I have been given power by the Holy Spirit power love and self-control right that means I draw my peace from here I draw my identity from here I draw my comfort from here anything else any kind of comfort hona can get me on the sides just the cherry on top I got to get it from here if not we put unfair expectations on people to do something we were designed to get from God the Bible says you have a high priest who understands it's very comforting I'll go to my high priest you know when your husband's just or wife is just not getting it stop giving your spouse the job of keeping you happy it's your responsibility to manage your joy okay get rid of unspoken expectations when you don't speak your expectation from the beginning you're setting up your spouse to fail and it actually robs the person of the opportunity to meet your need and so I know like when we were first married and some of the advice we were given was to really share and be honest about your needs and your expectations and it felt weird because I was like you should know to buy me flowers I should not have to tell you and then if I tell you and then you come home with flowers it like doesn't count right and I know it's gonna feel a little bit like that but it's necessary it's necessary you're just gonna have to get over it you're gonna have to teach each other how to love each other well it's just part of it nobody naturally just knows you people can can try their best but you need to communicate it's really important for me that you do this your expectations communication right so then it creates an opportunity that your spouse can actually arrive for you so expressing your needs is really important and learning to love each other in a way that we each need and I think sometimes it's so easy for us to give love in a way that we like to receive love right versus learning to really pursue your spouse give them the love that they in a way that they can receive it which means it takes humility it's like okay you know I'm gonna go shopping and buy you a gift because you care about gifts I could care less about gifts you know whatever it is it's gonna take an investment but it's so worth it right and so I think really outlining your expectations is is really important um marriage is not a parking spot it's a continual pursuit a lot of people see marriage is the finish line don't ever pause the pursuit never stop pursuing your spouse actually the word cleave leave and cleave in the Hebrew it means to pursue closely pursue closely people continue to change so commit to commit to continue to pursue them the finish line is unto the death do us part marriage is just the starting line think about how Christ always pursues you even when you're annoying right even when you're obnoxious he's so good to pursue us he's our example always pursuing that hasn't that doesn't have anything to all pursue you when you know that kind of transactional relationship you don't even see in the kingdom love loving somebody respecting people honoring people that has nothing to do with how they're behaving whether they're worthy of it that's why it's unconditional so often we're like well if he starts doing you know finally picking up his laundry then I will that what that's conditional and we think that's okay but when you if you're going to truly build a kingdom relationship it's got to be unconditional it has to be I am going to love you I'm gonna be honoring or respecting no matter what's happening with you okay guys okay constantly pursuing ask yourself am i actively pursuing my spouse in a way he or she wants to be pursued let's be clear about that right am i actively pursuing my spouse in a way he or she wants to be pursued do you know your spouse's love language most of you are probably familiar with love linkages we have the book in the back gary chapman but basic love languages you know do you even know the way that your spouse receives love invest in that we did a marriage course and one of the the pieces of advice that they gave people I thought it was I thought it was good they encouraged the man they said men do this I think was like for a month and see what happens pursue your wife emotionally five times a week women pursue your husband physically to time always get an amen from this crowd pursue your wife or pursue your husband physically two times a week and just do it for a month and see what happens and the stories of people saying you know just how much easier their part of the deal was when they were both feeling filled so whatever that looks like for you I would encourage you thinking about okay how do I be intentional whether you've been married for a year you've been married for 50 years how do I be intentional of constantly pursuing my spouse and it doesn't have to be this giant like spontaneous whatever like there is something really awesome about going hey you know what every Sunday night I'm gonna sit down with my calendar and I'm gonna block off some time every week that I'm gonna be intentional about doing something that's gonna really bless my spouse well that's just making a meal or hey every Thursday night we're gonna put the kids to bed and actually have a conversation without them you know or whatever that looks like being intentional being intentional in pursuit we've watched sadly a lot of amazing marriages just really lose a lot of ground simply because they failed to pursue each other and what was so powerful just became really dry and lonely and it doesn't need to be like that but nobody else is going to protect your marriage for you nobody else is going to protect your priorities for you right so make it your goal to constantly pursue I want to about communication and forgiveness for a moment Ephesians 4:29 don't use foul or abusive language let everything you say be good and helpful so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them and do not bring sorrow to God's holy spirit by the way you live remember he's identified you as his own guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption get rid of all bitterness rage anger harsh words and slander as well as all types of evil behavior instead be kind to each other tender-hearted forgiving one another just as God through Christ has forgiven you once again you'll notice the scripture doesn't have anything to say but how the other person is acting it doesn't say be kind to your sweet spouse know it nothing to do with how they're acting right our responsibility you know I think this is something that's really really important is especially we're gonna do this the kingdom wit you have to really really really watch your words really watch your words I think this is something we have to get really good at where we protect our words one of the things we decided early on in our relationship is that we weren't going to fight dirty we just weren't we were like doesn't matter how mad I am if I you know if I feel like I'm gonna say something horrible I'm gonna walk away and be quiet because I know I'm gonna regret it later like we just made a decision we weren't going to fight dirty we weren't gonna when we're hurting or angry or upset we were gonna take those moments for the low blow to me if you're scrapping if you are scrapping for just low blow things it is lazy it is selfish and it is ungodly I know it's hard trust me I know it's real hard but it's true it's true we have to get better at protecting the words that come out of our mouth towards each other and so you know I think being really mindful about how we're speaking to each other you have a gift in covenant relationship you have the ability to speak life and build up your spouse more than anybody else on the planet you have an ability with a direct line to their heart to strengthen and encourage and build up more than anybody else and so our words are powerful and our tone matters help me Jesus I'm praying for myself as I preach this our tone matters because you can say the right thing in the wrong tone and totally disqualify everything you just said right so I think looking this over of okay how can I really let everything I say be good and helpful if I want to say you suck how can I change that to make it feel good and helpful right it's just lazy not to right you wouldn't do it in the workplace you wouldn't tell your boss you suck you wouldn't have a job long you make the effort in other relationships why not make the effort in your most valuable relationship right and so you know thinking about this because conflict will happen but as we guard our words in our tone and then also become a professional I think being married you become a professional forgiver you just have to you just have to just live with a posture of I'm not going to keep up that you forgot our anniversary ten years I can't keep remembering I can't keep you know throw in a little comment in here in there it's not actually funny you know like those kind of like forgive let go it's gonna free you and it's gonna really help your relationship but um I think to do this to do with in Ephesians four to always speak encouraging to get rid of and anger and harsh words and to be kind and tender hardened hearted the only way you can do this is with God unless you literally came out of the womb and you were like go ahead brother take my toys it's okay it's okay like if you came out of the womb just like stomp on me like maybe this is easy for you but any normal prop will nothing you're on a roll but most people for most people that's not gonna be a normal response you know you're gonna be like I have rights I have feelings right and that's our human nature and so to do this to do to love the way God says to love listen listen listen you must know who your supplier is you must know where your supplier lives because this is going to be hard to do without a direct line to your supplier without connection to the holy spirit who's gonna give you the love and the compassion and the tenderness who's gonna tell you hey I know you're super frustrated here but let's look at you first Holy Spirit always does that you're like I want to talk about him and he's like let's talk about you and you're like ah but that's how godly marriage should work it's not about me trying to change him it's about us together right as we're pursuing God letting God change us individually letting God work on us also in in regards to communication I wanted to say this I heard somebody recently say that men speak about 7,000 words a day in women about 23,000 words and many people would say that that most men are probably a little more wired to want to fix things in communication and most women maybe are a little more wired - I don't want you to fix it I want you to listen and empathize with me right and just listen and tell me I'm right okay even if I'm not I want you to empathize with me and that's I think a common conflict in relationships anybody ever experienced this before okay so so men I want to help you out instead of going into fix-it mode maybe try something along the lines of so sorry that happened to you babe hey that would not I hate it when I feel like that I'm so sorry right relating maybe offer some chocolate listen don't tell her how she could have done it better maybe later when she's calm right or whatever having the ability to to hear each other and understanding even typically nice atypical because I think I think it's dumb to put all of men in one category and all of women one category but typically I think those are some of the common challenges in communication so understanding if you keep doing the same thing getting the same result try something different right try something different maybe saying you know what can I do to help you in this moment even if you don't understand what she's feeling how can I help you right now listen not fixing it just listening right she'll tell you she'll tell you what should easy to do so I want to move on to talk about accountability for a moment what does accountability in your relationship look like when you hear that word it's not just so how do we make sure we're we're you know not doing stupid stuff I'm talking about even though maybe your home has never been robbed do you still lock your doors at night when you put your kids in your car do you still put a seatbelt on them even though you're a good driver I hope the answer is yes some of you are like no yes why because when you when you have something of such value you will be inconvenienced and go to extra measures to protect it to make sure it stays safe right and so what does it look like to have accountability in your relationships in this season not just when you're dating when you're married when you've been married for 50 years how do you what is accountability look like in this season is there anybody that knows what's going on in your marriage that's praying with you guys it's standing with you part of this I would encourage you is is if you have friends in your life that are just about you guys as individuals you need to be careful because you know for me if I have why if I'm processing with a really close friend about something that's maybe going on in our relationship those friends are like always speak they love hone as much as they love me and so they're speaking to our benefit right and so if you don't have that in your life you need to really seriously think about who you're processing with and getting input from you need people around you that believe in you as a couple and that love you both as a couple right but what does that kind of accountability look like and you know and part of what we've tried to do here at expression is create some some of those resources to help in your in your process in your journey couple things I want you to be aware of is one we have a men's group we have a men's group couple men's groups actually that meet here throughout the week where there is just men connecting talking about their relationships just what God is doing in their life and it you know create some accountability that happens we've got and we've got some married life groups which I would encourage you guys to get involved in those will be starting up in a couple weeks we have a list of resources at the connect table you can get that outside they'll give you the file but we have a list of resources we give at people email the office and just say hey do you guys have any good marriage counselors or whatever that you would recommend we'll give you we have some people that we've tested tried we believe in will give you those resources we have another thing that we do here that Pastor Mark leads which is phenomenal and it's a it's a marriage preparedness course and starts with like a test correct you kind of do a assessment assessment it's not a test it's an assessment we actually did this when we were dating and it was kind of funny because I at first I was like this is whatever I mean it totally nailed us and it was like when you have kids you know like he's probably gonna be more like this you're gonna probably more like this and I was just like no way totally and anyways it was a it was a great tool for us but but it's a great thing that you can do if you're engaged or you're considering getting engaged even just doing that it'll help identify maybe some of your stronger areas or areas of challenge and areas that need to have some growth in and it's something great to do as a married couple to look at where we're really strong and where are some areas we need to grow in and so there's some resources that we want to give you that can help in this process but I want to encourage you in this area of accountability really invest in protecting what God has given you get the right people around you get the right tools around you I want to say this to you like I was mentioning earlier but I think sometimes it's easy to have this picture of how we really see marriage through a cultural lens or we put large groups of people in categories and we think women need more communication men need more sex or whatever and I want to say this can be really damaging because we counsel people all day long that don't fit in those norms you'll be in a relationship where the man has a higher need for communication than the women or the woman has a higher need for sex and the relationship than the man or whatever and so I know you might be saying you're going that's not possible it is possible it happens all the time so don't put large groups of people in categories and think something's wrong with you or whatever which is why we need input right it's why we need people around us to help help us in this pursuit where when you understand God's heart and intention it doesn't it's not going to look like the world it's going to look different so be it be be okay with that all right Ephesians 5 I'm going to tackle this in four minutes you can hang on this is kind of the classic passage in scripture that talks about marriage Ephesians 5 it begins with this follow God's example therefore his dearly loved children and walk in the way of love just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God so it starts off with this walk in the way of love the way that God gave himself up for us that's like a lot of love right walk in a crazy sacrificial way of love as children of God right it starts off with that then it goes into what that kind of looks like and it's talking about don't be greedy and don't be this and you know and so it's kind of walking us through a little bit this passage what it looks like you can read this on your own Ephesians 5 be careful how you live not as unwise but as wise it's kind of walking through what that looks like to live in this crazy God journey we're on and then it says instead verse 18 be filled it says don't do all these things instead be filled with the Holy Spirit be filled with the Holy Spirit you know if we're going to be able to do this marriage thing the god way you are going to have to be filled with the Holy Spirit it's the truth if you're gonna actually love the way Christ loves you're gonna have to be filled with the Holy Spirit we can't do it in our human nature we're selfish we need the Holy Spirit in our lives to infuse us with grace with love right with peace and so it goes on and it talks about being filled with the Holy Spirit and then verse 21 it says submit to one another out of reverence for Christ now this is the famous passage on kind of marriage Paul is speaking here and he's giving instruction he begins to say submit to one another out of reverence for Christ both parties sacrificially loving both parties submitting both parties serving both parties giving everything and then it goes on wives submit yourselves to your husband's as you do to the Lord for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ as the head of the church his body of which he is the Saviour now as the church submits to Christ so also wives should submit to their husbands and everything let me pause there because I know some of you are like Oh Tommy okay right like what is happening right now what does this mean and and honestly I feel like this passage has been used so abusively towards people and a lot of people have been really hurt by people trying to misrepresent the heart of God and I want to make sure that we have some clarity this morning on what is the heart of God in this passage and we're gonna read to this we're gonna read into this but I want to start by by saying this Paul first speaks to the women and he's talking about a posture of heart for the women and then he later speaks to the men you talk about the posture of heart for men now what Paul is speaking to the woman cannot be demanded from the man so a man cannot say submit to me this is completely opposite of what's happening true submission when you understand this word here it's a posture of heart that must originate from the person so it's not something that can be demanded or expected from somebody it's something that has to originate in somebody's heart are you with me so Paul looks to these now those whole passage is this whole thing is on how we're gonna live a life of love how we're gonna live sacrificial love how we're going to do this the kingdom way number one get filled with the Holy Spirit number two everybody get ready to die it's everybody's gonna submit right now here we go and then he's like number three ladies let's talk to the ladies and he comes and he begins to challenge the woman this should be the posture of your heart and this isn't you become a doormat this isn't I don't have an opinion and it doesn't matter this isn't I'm just here to be your slave and this is none of that this is a heart posture I'm gonna prefer you I'm gonna serve I'm gonna honor you I'm gonna respect you I'm gonna put your needs above mine I am NOT gonna be selfish in this relationship right he's coming after this and I feel like so often this gets misunderstood and here when you really look at this passage you realize there are no winners and there are no losers here none because it goes on right and the rest goes on husbands verse 25 love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy cleansing her by the washing with water through the word and to present her to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish but holy and blameless in the same way husband's ought to love their wives as their own bodies he who loves his wife loves himself after all no one ever hated their own body but they feed and care for their body just as Christ as the church for we are members of his body for this reason a man will leave his father and mother to be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh this is a profound mystery but I'm talking about Christ in the church however each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband so it's this whole you know challenge and and then Paul begins to come after the men and he begins to speak hey you're called to love your wife the same way Christ loved the church and let's not forget how Christ loved the church right so selflessly so radically pursuing her even when she rejected him even when and all the so radically pursuing her showing love all the way to the cross giving his very life for her I mean you're talking about both parties taking on the role of a servant you're talking about both parties loving so selflessly you're talking about both parties laying their rights down this is powerful and this is a language that's used and I think we have to stop saying telling each other how what we're supposed to be doing and we need to start reading what it says to us right so instead of telling your wife to submit to you and wives instead of responding I'll start submitting to you when you start treating me like Jesus treats the church instead of doing that I I just pulled that example from somebody else I've never heard that just kidding um instead of focusing on what the other party should be doing you see we worry about ourselves we come back to our heart posture am i sacrificially loving am i preferring my husband am i submitting myself am i surrendering am i am i giving am i loving so passionately so wildly am i pursuing am i sacrificing I mean nobody gets off the hook here this whole passage when you look at it it all keeps coming back to even how he ends I love this you know he ends one more time each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband and he comes back to this is how we're gonna live this wild god life this is how we're gonna do wild covenant this is what Kingdom love looks like it looks like every one of us stripping away our flesh and serving each other I often think about the relationship between the father and the son how the father is the head right Jesus was always saying not my will but the father's not my will but the father's I'm about my father's business and the father who looked at the son and was constantly like if you don't like my son you don't get me and it was all about glorifying his son and you see this beautiful relationship and that is a picture of what marriage should look like not both of us standing on our end demanding our rights but both of us laying it down to see God be glorified when sin entered the world it ruined the harmony of marriage not because it brought headship and Submission into existence but because it twisted man's humble loving leadership into hostile domination in some men and lazy and difference in others and it twisted woman's intelligent willing submission into manipulation and control and some and disrespect in others sin didn't create headship and Submission it ruined them and it distorted them and made them ugly and destructive but we're not under the curse the blood of Jesus changes everything we sang that this morning down down to the river we go right that's a picture of baptism the picture of coming into this new life we've been invited into coming back into the redeemed work of Christ coming back to the garden marriage does not have to look like what it looks like in our culture there is an awakening a revival that needs to happen in families in Christians in this nation and so God is healing something he's healing us I wrote this earlier but I was thinking about what it would look like to see redemption in those roles wives let your fallen submission be redeemed by modeling after God's intention for the church husbands let your fallen headship be redeemed by modeling after God's intention for Christ right there for headship is in the cut isn't a right to command and control it's a responsibility to love like Christ to lay down your life for your wife and servant leadership and submission is not slavish or coerced that's not the way Christ wants the church to respond to his leadership he wanted to be free and willing and glad and refining and strengthening the enemy has worked so hard to divide and conquer and I really believe that family is the container for revival family is the container for revival and we have to shake off cold sherrill things and shake off the flesh and truly put God in the center of our relationships and begin to love the way that we're invited to love through the holy spirit so that we can unite and conquer I want to pray for us this morning but I want to encourage you that we are on this journey together and even as we were preparing for this we were realizing that okay we're gonna need way more time to talk about relationships because we wanted to talk about life after divorce and so many other things that we want to hit on so we'll try to see where we can fit these things in because I know there's just so many things happening in this community but I want to encourage you with this we are empowered by the Holy Spirit to do things that have never been done and your marriage doesn't have to look like your parents marriage your friends marriage is everybody else's marriage we are empowered by the Holy Spirit to do hard things to do impossible things and God is so for your marriage even if it's in a place of pain right now God is so for your marriage God can heal God can restore and it's never too late you're like well we've always done this well guess what today's a new day and you're a powerful person right God has great purpose and destiny in our in our lives and in our families and in our marriages and I want to encourage those of you who are waiting wait wait for the right one it's so worth it it's so worth it God knows what you need he knows what you need and he is faithful and he's good will you stand with me as we close and have any of our prayer ministry team come forward if you'd like prayer after they'll be available you guys can just come down so Jesus if you're here with your spouse grab their hand Jesus we pray for your blessings over our families God you always intended marriage to be powerful and beautiful and life-giving god I pray Lord that we wouldn't settle for just living in the sin destructed version of it but that we would redeem it for what it is God powerful covenant God I pray for every marriage represented in this room that you would strengthen them God that you would encourage them they didn't fuse them with hope God that that you would bring just more passion and romance that you would help us to love each other really well God I pray that we would be the first one always God help us help each one of us to be the first God to humble ourselves the first God to repent the first to try to make things right god I pray that you would have your glory and our families Jesus I pray that that we would have a children a generation of children raised up here Lord who know what healthy family looks like who know what healthy family really looks like that they would have seen it they sought an expression they sought in the families here I pray that our own marriages God would would be just a place of life and strength God anywhere what we've kind of just stopped inviting you in I pray that you would just flood in flood and Lord and everywhere where there's great pain or where there's great complexity God holy spirit we give you permission to lead to guide to cover to heal to restore and to have your way and father for all the amazing spouses that are yet to come we call them in in Jesus name Lord find them deliver them bring them may they be hot in Jesus name Amen I prayed it all the time I got it [Applause] [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Expression 58

Views: 1,616

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Keywords: shawn bolz, bolz, cherie bolz, expression 58, expression58, e58, church, los angeles church, revival, jen toledo, jennifer toledo, jona toledo, bolz ministries

Id: uPihVMJhKr4

Length: 61min 0sec (3660 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 13 2019