#Relationship Goals - Dating | Jennifer Toledo | Expression58

hi listen if you've been come to this church for a while and you've not been to an encounter and I I cannot even think what you could possibly be doing tonight that is gonna be better than coming to an encounter night so I want to encourage you get here get here early it will fill up it's gonna be so good you just need to get in the presence of God and I'm telling you it just like it's like a Holy Spirit chiropractor just like it's everything back in alignment and you're like wow I can just feel so much better and it's just it's it's gonna be good so get here tonight if you can we do have amazing child care for your kids as well so I'll have to encourage you to do that well I'm grateful for this opportunity to get to share today I mentioned this last week if you were here but we're gonna be starting in the fall a new series looking at some systematic theology and core tenets of the Christian faith and really being able to have everybody truly understand how to communicate the core Christian theological concepts and so that sounds really scary or boring it's not gonna be it's gonna be awesome don't worry but we do want to take the next two weeks and we want to talk about relationships and so we've been wanting to do this for a while and it works perfect in the next two weeks and so hashtag relationship goals so that's what we're doing so get ready to get uncomfortable to be so good how many of you in here are married come on two people are excited about it okay give some hope to the single people all right how many of you in here are dating or engaged you're in a serious relationship some of you are like are we yeah okay how many of you are single and available or single bilingual and ready to mingle as my friends and I used to say I know some single bilingual ready to mingle in here alright alright well this morning we're gonna talk about singleness and dating yes we are it's gonna be good and next week we're gonna go more into talking a little bit more about marriage and stuff as well but I want you to if you're like I don't want to hear about singleness or dating I'm married listen if you live in LA I guarantee you you're probably even if you're married walking with somebody in your life have a friend in your life who's trying to navigate dating in LA right and if you don't have any single friends you should make some so or you're raising kids or will soon be raising kids who are gonna be embarking on this kind of journey so it's a it's a good conversation for us to have as a family so I wanna start off by talking a little bit about singleness because I think sometimes people may be after a handful or a lifetime of bad relationships many times step back and say you know I'm just not good at relationships and I want to challenge that concept this morning because I think sometimes a or many times a lot of the problem in relationships isn't actually the relationship part it's the individual part and so many times our problem in relationships is that we just keep showing up in them right we keep bringing the same person into another relationship myself right and so there's something really powerful about becoming a very healthy individual so that you can have hope for a healthy relationship and I think a big big huge thing we know this may be but we miss this so often is we just keep I mean when you look at divorce rates in our nation most of us are familiar with this half of marriages end in divorce and that's the same as in the church which is a huge problem we're doing something wrong right and so I think it's important that we understand and really look at the power of singleness the the vital time that it is in your life to get really healthy and whole and know who you are fall in love with who you are so that you can know and walk into a relationship knowing your value and not wasting time on people who don't even deserve five minutes of your time right and learning how to okay that would sound a little mean but you know what I mean like you know what I mean no you don't know what I mean it's too rough that's just the beginning y'all yeah that was the beginning if we're having a hard time right now you better take a deep breath no take a deep breath okay come through Jesus help us help us Holy Spirit yeah so I really believe that our you know your marriage will only ever be as good as your singleness and your marriage will only ever be as healthy as your singleness and so even if you are married I would encourage you to take an opportunity this morning and do some self-evaluation on your singleness your individuality yourself growing self because being single is really a vital time in your life it's really the season where God has uninterrupted access you don't have to worry about anybody else you don't have to respond to anybody else it's uninterrupted focus to really develop in you who you are what he's put inside of you right just growing your your health your walk with God and even your own understanding of yourself becoming really self-aware there's a lot of people out there who are black major self awareness I mean major like they don't even know how people experience them you act like you don't know him right they're everywhere like people have no clue how the world experiences them and so we have to become really self-aware and that's just part of emotional maturity it's part of that but it's it's you know being single is a really great time to really develop that to really know who God's called you to be not one day I me and my husband are going to know who's got called you to be what's he put inside of you you don't need somebody else to completely complete you you don't need somebody else to to you know reach your full potential Jesus Christ was never married pretty sure he reached his full potential the Apostle Paul didn't do bad right as a single man so I mean think about this I think so often we come from a society that you know I think it's just part of culture in our society that's very much like tries to you know tell people to hurry up and get married or somehow you don't have value until you're married I remember at my wedding shower I was all of 24 years old barely a newborn and fresh out of the womb and 24 years old but I'm Mexican so that's in you know Mexican years I told you this like 50 and so at my bridal shower this woman I kid you not I have not forgiven her to this day I'm working on it she stood up and she said she in front of everybody oh wow I'm shocked I just thought you were a lesbian said that at my bridal shower because I was still single at 24 and I was like what weird planet do you live on that being single at 24 is so foreign like anyways there's a lot of cultural pressure to not be single and I want to just tell you this morning that being single is really beautiful and valuable and powerful and it's a time to embrace and maximize what God is doing in you because there won't be another season like this trust me all of a sudden there's people everywhere in your life needy little people and big people just kidding you will not have an opportunity like you have right now to really develop yourself to really understand who you are to learn to love yourself to learn to love yourself despite your flaws right scripture tells us the most important thing in all of Scripture right love the Lord your God with all your heart soul mind and strength and equally as important but love your neighbor as you love yourself love your neighbor as you love yourself you're gonna have a hard time loving your neighbor if you haven't figured out how to love yourself when you I don't know about you this is so true for me when I'm yes when so good I write I write the kid city curriculum and so I know exactly what's happening in there and I love it I'm like they got it they did it it's so good I'm like make them scream this I love it anyways I know about you but when I'm feeling frustrated with myself when I'm feeling shame or I'm feeling just irritated with myself how do you tend to treat other people in your life I'm about you but I'm like get away from me like I'm grumpy I'm not kind right I'm typically people who are really hard on other people are really hard on themselves and so if we don't learn to love ourselves well we are gonna we are gonna have some problems in relationship because it's going to be hard to extend grace to other people in their weakness if you can't learn to extend it to yourself right and so singleness is as incredible opportunity for us to really grow in self-development really you know growing in all the areas that God has for us and um you know the first thing God created was not marriage it was two individuals and I think before you can really succeed at marriage you have to really get become a healthy individual something you also need to remember about God as God didn't command Adam to marry Eve he didn't just kind of paraded her by hey option right you only got one option but whatever give it some time there is really only one fish in the sea [Laughter] think it over but I think remembering this fact that God God loves free will and you know I know for me when when hone and I were dating I actually prayed and I asked God to command me to marry hona I did I kid you not just command me to marry him then I'll do it because I didn't want the responsibility of making a bad choice I didn't trust my judgment you know every guy I dated up to that point was not the right one so I couldn't trust my judgment right and so I was just like I can't trust my judgment if he's the one coming at me to marry him gods like you insult me that's what God told me you insult me come again I'm a god of romance love is always a choice I'm not gonna command you to love somebody I can tell you as your father he's an awesome choice but don't come shaking your finger at me one day because he's annoying to you or something and I it's me that commanded you to marry this man know love's a choice and you're gonna stand by your choice are you gonna make the choice to love this man for the rest of your life or not and it was like oh my gosh you know and and I think sometimes we think especially if you come from like a supernatural culture you think God's just going to command somebody to marry you in all your mess and there's no need to work on yourself somehow that works I think a lot of people instead of embracing and valuing this the season of singleness they spend all of their energy trying to get out of it and you miss the very gifts God had for you and the tools God had for you in that season singleness is awesome and not everybody's gonna get married and that's okay not everybody is called to get married and I want to just encourage you if you're in that place life doesn't start when you get married you hear that but I'm telling you I'm telling you I'm telling you life doesn't start you know when you get married it's right now it's Christ in you right now right if we don't believe that then why are we telling our kids they're powerful why if we secretly think no you have to grow up and graduate college and then get married and do this and then God can really use you then your purpose will really come to be listen God wants to get so clear in all of us who we are deeply rooted understanding our value understanding who we know what we're called to do so that when you step into a relationship you're not looking for somebody to complete you because guess what they can't and they never will they never will they'll never be able to do it and when you don't know yourself and the way God sees you and what you need in your life you'll you'll look for somebody to constantly validate you the reality is sometimes we date because we're sick of ourselves and we think adding someone else is going to fix us then we just end up sick of ourselves and them let me tell you something about marriage marriage is not your upgrade it's your exposure that is the truth marriage is like a giant magnifying glass that will put on display every ounce of crap in your life all the merry married people sad told you marriage is not your fixer-upper it's not your upgrade it is your exposure it will expose what you were able to maybe hide in your singleness it's gonna be front and center in your marriage so the gift of singleness is to to get that stuff worked out to heal to to grow closer and not just the bathroom I'm talking like get fully get fully confident and who God's called you to be unapologetically because when you when you get really confident who God's called you to be and what you carry when you really understand your value you're not gonna waste five minutes entertaining something that's gonna pull you away from that you see it's people who don't know who they are or their value that gets sucked into things that just take them off course I think sadly we spend more time healing from relationships than preparing for them if we put our energy more on the preparing and less on engaging in the bad ones that we have to always be healing we'd be doing a good investment in our lives maximize your singleness run your race when it's the right one I'm telling you I know it's cliche when they're like when you're writing you'll be running next OOP that's actually true that's actually true run your race be faithful to what God has called you to do even if it seems crazy even if it seems like you're running in the opposite direction of the men or the women this was my story I you know as a single woman I was frustrated I was like I want to be married I want to be married and God was like I have called you to Kenya through this remote tribe for three years I'm like I didn't hate him but I was mad and it felt like what I want I'm like you know single bilingual ready to mingle why are you sending me out to this tribe in the middle of the desert where they're trying to buy me for camels I'm offended literally multiple times I'm there's not even internet I can't even like talk to somebody hot online I can't do anything right and that place of me of just saying I don't understand I don't understand it it was such a battle for me personally I'm telling you I wish you could I'm kind of odd you didn't but had you known me in my early 20s you would have seen how real this was for me my biggest challenge was trusting that God would be good in this area of relationships in my life so my biggest challenge oh I could believe for miracles but I just couldn't believe that there was actually a godly man that was hot out there I just couldn't I couldn't I was convinced he was going to be just nerdy super-duper-duper nerdy obnoxious religious perfect hair part Christian guy and I was just like I just I can't do it god I can't do it I didn't trust I did that's the truth and I I just wasn't sure I could totally trust God in this area of my life and God was saying trust me trust me trust me right do it my way and as I ended up in in Kenya so felt so far away but in the will of God doing what God said right then it was in that place on a trip home some you guys know the story on a trip home where I ended up changing my plans because I got invited to come to this event in Florida and went to this event in Florida where a friend of mine terr was speaking and I get there right before she goes on the stage I just arrived four days of travel I'd been puking because I had I don't even know what from Africa I was disgusting hadn't bathed in four days oh my gosh so gross I just want to take a shower and go to bed and I get there and she says I'm so glad you're here God told me you're supposed to take my session I'm like what it's like 3,000 people you know I'm like 22 23 years old and I have nothing prepared and I'm so stood in 15 minutes get up and preach a message you're crazy you know and she's like no it's the Lord and I'm like good and I do and because I do this woman in the crowd who at first I thought was maybe just like a crazy conference lady but she wasn't but she came up and she was like while you're preaching I had an open vision and I saw you and in two weeks time you were in my town Shreveport Louisiana and you were preaching there at my event and I was like no I don't think so and she said no it's God it's God and I was like okay I'll pray about it you know how you do that I'll pray about it and I prayed about it and God was like go and I'm like living in Kenya might be based out of Canada and get invited to Shreveport Louisiana where I've never been I had no plans to be there randomly get there and guess who's in Shreveport Louisiana guess who's the other person they invited to speak guess she wasn't a conference crazy conference lady after all right and there's hona who's from Guatemala but wasn't Ecuador but happened to be in Kansas City doing some ministry stuff with Sean who happened to also get invited to Shreveport Louisiana where he'd never been and there boom we meet so let me just say this in your journey you can trust him you can let go of the oh my god but what if I don't look cute at the right time maybe at the right place at the right time just in case that's a lot of pressure that's a lot of pressure when you're like I can't even go to the grocery store because one day my husband I know you thought that Oh y'all act like you don't okay you can just trust trust God's in control he's good he's good but let me say something I think is so vital potential is not a quality you're looking for cultivation is potentials not a quality you're looking for cultivation is find somebody who's cultivating who's actually doing something with their potential don't marry somebody or date somebody because they have all these great words about their life and they whatever they're all day long you're gonna find people like that find somebody who's actually growing and developing what God has put in them find somebody who's running find somebody who's not waiting for a spouse to complete them because you and I might be real flattering for a minute complete him you know how annoying that's gonna be a year from now when he's looking you to fulfill things in his life that was supposed to happen between him and God you think you've come in and rescue her and you feel all great you know how annoying that's gonna be when she's super needy five years from now because she didn't figure that out in her singleness how to get filled by God some truth some truth in that all right so let's talk about dating a little bit first service people think they're going to throw up I was like everything okay out there I pray you swallow a little bit better than they did last time okay is dating biblical is it courtship is that more biblical listen dating and courtship are just human-made methods to help people meet each other there is not some like how to date outlined in the Bible there's not so and people have all different kind of definitions of what dating or courtship or whatever I'm just going to say this what does matter is that you invite God into the middle of it that's what matters and I'm not talking hey god I'm dating this girl she's so hot please bless it please bless it yes and Jesus name bless it no that's not inviting God into the middle of it that's trying to drag God into something he's like I don't want to be a part of this God in the middle of it says god this is all for you unto you for your glory and we're gonna totally revolve around you not what I want right around you so having God be the center of it I think this is a very good standard for how you should think about dating first Corinthians 10:31 so whatever you do do it all for the glory of God so whatever you do do it all for the glory of God how you date should bring glory to God and you might be like oh I didn't even know is possible yes it's possible is who I'm dating bring glory bringing glory to God how they live how they talk what they listen to what they value is that bringing glory to God do my dating habits and patterns and history give glory to God if not I need to refocus do some self-evaluation submit myself to some accountability and invite God in the middle of my dating your baseline question should always be does this bring glory to God does this bring glory to God and if you feel like you have to lie about it or hide it hide it your prompt there's something there probably that makes you feel like maybe this isn't ringing glory to God right it's how I date bringing glory to God seems like a simple question what is a date what is a date a date is a single event it's not a life choice it's not a prophetic statement relax 3lakhs it is a single event where you have an opportunity to spend some quality time with somebody figure out a little bit more about them you do not need to have 10 prophetic words before you go on a date you don't need to know if that's your spouse before you go on a date and once you've gone on said date assess it think about it think about if that person if that you know if there enough there to have even a second interview don't start naming your future children don't plan your fantasy wedding it's a date all the guys in the room said I think sometimes because we think there's a shortage or we're not trusting God we let unqualified people fill positions they don't have the ability to fill or because we're lonely we give people who are not qualified second interviews see all that to me speaks - we didn't do the work in the singleness time to know who we are and to learn to really value ourselves so we're over here giving people you know an online into our heart and lot in our life who should never be there or we've not allowed God to fill that void in us so we're looking to people to fill that so when you go on this date do we even believe the same things do we share some common goals be focused on intentional dating if you're not dating intentionally what are you doing you're looking for a you know I'm just gonna call it a date so I can hook up after - honest okay the intentional about dating intentionality right just casually dating like that that's just gonna hurt you and other people be intentional with your dating you know I honestly think that in the first couple of dates you should be able to figure out if there's at least something potential for more they're not do I see myself married to this person do I see potential that this could be more right and so this shouldn't be this like long process and I don't even know like you know thinking about great intentionality and you're dating and I want to say this this is good get ready here's what I see so many people need to drink a big glass of open-mindedness I hit honestly I feel like I have witnessed so many people closed the door on who I think probably was supposed to be their spouse because they weren't open-minded let me say this to all the married people in the room how many of you who are married were not into your spouse when you met them I wasn't okay first service like almost all the married people we're not into their spouse when they met them listen to me somebody you think is not attractive right now you could be madly hot and love for them and sick in love with them in six months don't believe me think about the person you were in love with in third grade how's your attraction changed a little over time yes or no think about the person you thought was so hot in high school right how's your chat attraction morphed a little over time think about how you dressed in high school as what you thought you know you wanted changed a little over time do not think do not approach relationships with a closed-minded thing this is exactly what it's gonna look like you need to know who you are you need to know God in you but I'm at the same time you have to be open-minded because many times many times it I just know so many people that were not into their spouse the first time they met them or the third time or the fourth time and then all of a sudden they're like madly in love so be open-minded not too open-minded but you know open-minded so dating is not a destination the purpose of dating or being a relationship is not just to stay dating dating is a transportation to a target a relational goal the purpose of dating is not to eternally be dating right when you look at one person one person said right okay when you look at covenant when you understand the heart of God in relationship you see if we're just using each other to meet our needs but we're not willing to really commit to each other do you think that brings glory to God dating is is not a destination it's not it's not arrived it's a process unto something I'll be honest with you you know if you if you're in a relationship where you've been dating for a long time and you keep asking hey do you see this going anywhere I don't know I don't know it's forever you're still dating you're still dating you're still dating I don't get off that hot mess Express real fast I would now listen the couple I'm gonna talk about they might be watching this hey guys you know who you are um there was this couple Addie 58 who dating forever and the girl said to the guy hey we've been dating forever do you see this going anywhere like we are not getting any younger we've been dating forever am I like the one but we just need a little more time like give me a little some and you just constantly was just like I don't know I don't know we'll see let's get rid of the year we'll see I don't know if you're the one I don't know I don't know she's like I'm not getting any younger like I want kids like this is doing this for a minute you know and there's souther guy came to us and said hey I know it's kind of a weird question to ask my pastors my leaders but uh uh how do you feel about me pursuing that girl who's in a serious relationship that's never-ending and I'll be honest we looked at them and we said I don't see a ring [Applause] and you know what he did he pursued her so be a I mean so hard so passionately so romantically they are happily married with kids living their best life so all I'm saying some of you if you're offended maybe you're the wrong person in that story okay dating is not a destination date with intentionality something else I think is really important to talk about in regards to dating is learning how to pick for the love of God learn how to pick okay last week I was with my boys and we were in the grocery store and we were gonna get a watermelon and so we're you know doing what you do when you're picking out a watermelon you got it you got to do all the watermelon test you guys know the watermelon tests okay let me tell you how to pick a go-to watermelon okay so you your mama didn't teach you how you pick a good while there's two things you're looking for number one the outside of the watermelon can't be all pretty it has to be like kind of scratched up little scars that means the sugar from the watermelon is seeping through so it's sweet second test you knock the most hollow watermelon in the box is the one you pick all right now you know you're welcome I was free um so I'm teaching my boys this and they're picking out watermelons and there's now a line of ladies that are like Oh pick me one you know and so they're all excited to picking watermelons people at the store and it was a good is a good moment but I stopped and I thought about this how many times maybe parents will look and think I wouldn't pick that for my kid oh really well then maybe didn't teach your kid how to pick right not that we're in control of how people pick but I think there's something that we have to get good at in terms of having a culture that teaches people how to and what to look for in relationships and when we're not talking about it everybody's just out there grabbing a weird old watermelons I don't even taste good but they got at home cut it open so here we go right I don't know it was a really weird analogy just came out second guessed it as it came out but I committed to it guys I don't know Hosea 4:6 Hosea 4:6 my people are destroyed for lack of knowledge in the message it says my people are ruined because they don't know what's right and they don't know what's true I think we have a lot of people just dating the same person with a different face over and over and over again and part of that comes back to that singleness place of getting healthy and getting whole and saying God why do I keep attracting this kind of person why do I keep ending up in these kinds of relationships I got a time out I gotta get out of relationships and figure this out my picker is messed up instead of being like all the women out there all the men out there when you're the common denominator in all those relationships right so stopping and letting God heal what's going on in me that draws me to that coming back to that place because I think we spend I think I already said this what we sin spend so much time more time healing from relationships and actually preparing for them and the focus should be preparing we need to get the Word of God in this we need to talk to some married godly people and gain some knowledge on what to be looking for in a spouse parents need to be intentional about teaching your kids how to pick long before the picking years come catch them before those hormones right just cuz she real fine right now doesn't mean she's gonna be real fine two years from now and all that mess comes to the surface it's true we don't even know how that and what we're looking for we're being driven by you know attraction or being driven by whatever or you know I mean this might sound a little harsh but I think sometimes this concept of like this sort of oh I'm gonna change him listen if he's got some hos tendencies right now you think that's gonna suddenly go away cuz you came in the picture no God needs to come in the picture yes I said that and God needs to come in the picture and God needs to heal that not you you're not gonna fix it okay I'm gonna move on although the Bible doesn't talk much about dating the Bible is really specific in regards to how we're to handle relationships and so I think sometimes we don't know how to do the dating things we just try to hurry up and get to the marriage part and we try to make that work and it's hard because we picked all the wrong ingredients and so I want to look a little bit about some of the things the Bible says about relationships there's so much of Scripture I just picked a few first Corinthians 15:33 don't be fooled by those who say such things bad company corrupts good character oh I'm gonna change her I'm gonna change him I'll be the spiritual line bad company corrupts good character think carefully about what is right and stop sinning I love this verse because I think many times we can't think about what is right because we are sinning it's hard to to properly evaluate on a relationship that you're when you're sleeping with somebody you're not suppose to be sleeping with stop sinning right step back repent get right think clearly and do it the god way you know we were just talking with somebody recently as well who this speaks to having having people and your in your life who walk with you and help you for me you know I didn't trust my self and so it was vital that I had you know spiritual moms and dads friends people in my life who could just tell me tell it to me straight like you are crazy and I did I had people that were like literally if you walk away from him you'll be the stupidest woman alive like what are you even thinking and it made me stop and be like oh what am I thinking you know and you need people in your life and we were actually just recently talking with a couple for me 58 who I won't say their name um another couple for me 58 and they're and they're good you know people we know and love and they were dating and in that season ho know how to dream and in the dream the Lord showed him that they were sleeping together no usually you're like oh my god that was actually a really beautiful thing because Kona called her it was like hey I had this dream last night this was the dream are you guys okay and then it was this really beautiful moment and she you know they had an opportunity to to just really kind of bring to the light what was going on and they they've told us both you know how powerful that was for them because they out of their own admission they said how do we continue to keep having sex our relationship would have been destroyed we were we were on a path of breaking up because of the choices we were making and because we had good community who loved us and who walked with us and not just hey stop doing that no it was like this is who you are you're worth waiting for you guys are you know like reminding them of the path they were on and they were able to like just really do it well and they were happily married now and a part of this community and I think that speaks to the value of why we need each other in each other's lives and why we need people to remind us how valuable we are right and remind us how worth how worth the weight we are proverbs 22 24 and 25 do not make friends with a hot-tempered person you're like who dated him right do not associate with one easily angered or you may learn their ways and get yourself and snarled snare snarled how do you say that word ah I thought there was an Allen there for a second I was like that's weird thank you and Snerd just checking to see if you guys are awake proverbs 14 7 stay away from a foolish man you will gain no knowledge from his speech some of y'all need to write that on your mirror stay away from a foolish man write that on your mirror right proverbs 625 don't lust for her beauty don't let her quit glances seduce you some of the other ones in here y'all need to write that on your mirror don't last for her beauty admiration and lust are different things 2nd Corinthians 6:14 and 15 for what to righteousness and wickedness have in common or what fellowship can light have with darkness what harmony is there between Christ and Belial or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever the writer of this was not actually asking you to answer this was a more of a rhetorical question there is none there is no relationship between light and darkness we've got to learn to pick well we need people in the process with us that will help us that will help us look at maybe your really ridiculous list that no human could ever fill right or some of you you need to make a little list come on like what's happening have some standards right like I don't know where we are on this spectrum but we need people in our life in this jury and I think here's one of the biggest you know things that really breaks my heart when you look at the fact that half of marriages in the church in in divorce that is deeply alarming deeply deeply alarming we have to change what we're doing and listen this goes for married people don't wait till you're in trouble to get some input in your marriage why do we do that we wait till we're in crisis to go to a counselor this should be something I don't know it's it's strange it's like we'll get a personal trainer we'll get a coach we'll get somebody to coach us in our career we'll get somebody to coach us on how to do our makeup we'll watch a tutorial on how to do our makeup but we won't watch a marriage class online we won't read a book we won't go to a marriage seminar we won't see a counselor and that's I mean you're talking about how sacred relationships are right and so this understanding of invite people into your process you need people they're gonna help you walk through this and I think when we don't have that you know I think sometimes we wrestle with is this person gonna really push me towards what Christ has for me or pull me away and when we don't wait in the Lord and we don't get that input it is so easy for the enemy to come and just bring counterfeits and because we don't we haven't gotten that singleness worked out we bite the bait and then you know our whole courses is beard off proverbs 4:23 guard your heart above all else where it determines the course of your life guard your heart it determines the course of your life guard your heart from the wrong person from the wrong timing from rejection from lust from insecurity from lies about yourself I've sadly watched a lot of people veer off the course that God had for them because they treated dating very casually and ended up in a crappy marriage and ended up divorced and ended up with all kinds of pain or you know hurting a lot of people and I'll probably get into a little bit more next week but I do want to say this I think I think we've really lost the fear of God in the honouring of Scripture in regards to marriage as we see with the divorce rate in our nation I think it's interesting that that Christians are very vocal about certain sins oh we love to talk about this or that or whatever but nobody really wants to talk about the fact that half of the church's divorce and divorce is a very serious sin because marriage is very very holy covenant relationship is very sacred to God and when you read the Bible there's some real clarity like the list of things that constitute a according to scripture a reasonable divorce is like this big and I think we've because we've lost the fear of God in that area and we just think oh well grace gotta cover it we go into dating oh well grace God will cover it we go into marriage oh well grace God will cover it and there's a breakdown at the core level a family there's a breakdown at the core level of of covenant and family is the unit that God uses to carry revival family is at the very heart of the kingdom you've got a father and a son families at the very heart of the kingdom of God and Christians love to stand back and talk about Oh family values family values while we're over here sleeping with each other and divorcing each other and how you can have any kind of authority on the breakdown of the family and family values when we ourselves are not willing to address what's going on inside of us when we're not living by God's standards right how do you guard your heart boundaries boundaries are how you guard your heart you know it's not just city boys vs. hot girl summer out here this is boundaries healthy limits healthy boundaries too to guard your heart this is you and the Holy Spirit setting boundaries in your life emotionally physically and relationally with people around you this isn't some list of rules this is and what's okay for somebody else might not be okay for you this is between you and the Holy Spirit right and this isn't about being closed off and whatever but this is about you truly knowing your Worth and knowing your destiny knowing who you are so much that you're not willing to slow down or get taken off course when you focus on guarding your heart with God he'll teach you and show you how to love someone else if your heart is to please God healthy boundaries mean you don't let yourself be more emotionally invested than the level of commitment in the relationship it means God is first and foremost at the center of this and if our interactions are text messages our conversations our physical relationship is not bringing glory to God and I need to put up a boundary because I'm too valuable to get swayed off my race I want to just give some really quick rapid-fire practical advice here's what I've watched a lot of people do they want to spend time with you treat you special like you're more than a friend text you to all hours of the night get vulnerable with you sweet-talk you but they never actually take you on a date or express their intentions or want any kind of definition or commitment don't engage with somebody who wants to treat you like more than a friend but not commit to you as more than a friend if someone's doing that with you love yourself enough to put up a boundary where you require them to communicate their intentions or go away lack of commitment and leading me on tells me everything I need to know about your insecurity and the need to fill your gaping void right I know that's harsh but it's true I see this all the time I see a lot of people trying to fill emotional needs with friends from church and it's painful and dishonouring don't treat someone like more than a friend unless you're going to man up or woman up and commit to being more than a friend in their life just communicate honestly brave communication don't leave lots of room for grey confusing lack of defined space somebody always gets hurt and if you're unclear what kind of things are appropriate for friends to do I'm sure there's a long line of people that would love to tell you what's appropriate and inappropriate for friends to do right texting somebody late at night telling them you missed them how beautiful they are how special you are that's not what friends of opposite sex do that's what you how you talk to somebody you're interested in right I think we've gotten real blurred and this is something we deal with like all the time here I'll be honest not just here but with people in the church all the time where they're just kind of I see a lot of people looking to fill emotional needs by friends in the church but they're not really willing to commit to and it's dangerous and it's painful and you're worth more and they're worth more let your yes be yes and your no be or no don't say yes but deep down you know you're not really into her don't say no but keep doing your little flirting thing with him but your yes be yes and your no be or no honesty even if it hurts is always better than flattery be honest stick to what you say don't bounce back and forth with your yes and your no be a man or woman of your word that's how you bring glory to God that's how you protect people around you invite counsel and accountability into your relationships is there somebody you trust who knows you made out with that girl is there somebody who trusts that you would show your text messages to and say hey can I get some input how I'm interacting with this person is this honoring you're all like hey no I see those looks is this an area we're gonna bring to God or not is this an area are gonna walk in the light in or not we nobody can manage this for you but I'll tell you what you're the one who will live with the fruit of your choices because everything bears fruit so my encouragement to you is as hard as it is trust God with this area of your life I'm telling you he will come through I'm telling you it is worth it and so are there people in your life who know what's going on who know what you're feeling who are your processing how much time you're spending with somebody you know that they know they're asking the good questions for you get wise counsel we all know those people let me see let me see do you know somebody who everybody told why are you dating that person what are you doing she's a mess he's a mess don't do it this is disaster your relationship is dysfunctional don't do it how many of you know that person and they still dated that person or married that person or whatever right so many of us I can raise every hand foot toe finger I mean so many people and what always is shocking to me is that what everybody else could see they could not see or they chose not to see don't be that person don't be the person that everybody else around you is like this is toxic and you're just choosing not to see it make the choice now don't wait till you're deeply you have the watermelon at home right don't wait til then make the choice before you get to the grocery store make the choice I am going to invite people into my life to help speak into this I'm gonna be transparent I'm gonna do this in the light I'm gonna I'm gonna let the Holy Spirit lead me I'm gonna do this God's Way because I want to reap I want to I want a rich marriage I want to I want to reap a good fruit from this don't wait till you're in trouble to invite somebody else in don't be afraid to pursue it's not wrong to pursue somebody unless they don't want you to then stop that's weird pastors said no stop yeah I mean you know I think sometimes I've had guys be like man I just as a Christian now like is it weird I want to like pursue this girl know pursuing somebody is is awesome God is a God of romance in pursuit pursue ladies is being pursued hot see see you got it yes from the ladies in the room don't be afraid to pursue be romantic go for it make yourself available but don't overly advertised let me explain that you know when somebody is just like advertising so loud that you literally can't hear anything coming out their mouth no you don't know those people you're not on Instagram be open and available but don't advertise so loud that means you don't you know I want this this just needs to be said in the age of social media listen if when you're like I'm so hot and sexy all the time on my feet let me just let me help you let me be the mom the sister and let me tell you what everybody else thinks when we all look at your pictures she Thursday she's needy she is insecure oh no she doesn't know her value that's what we're thinking not on a judgmental way and I like man bummer listen be open but don't overly advertised right and being open means you're you're willing to meet new people you're willing to try new things you're willing to to go places you know maybe you're maybe you're like an introvert and you're like I just you know if God's gonna bring me somebody's bring him to my door maybe not maybe maybe not maybe you need to actually go meet some people get uncomfortable and like go have a conversation with somebody new if it's not working with the same three guys you've always talked to your whole life go talk to somebody new you know like be open try something new got a partner with God in this business right also don't make up your own rules the Bible has a lot to say about how to treat people how to manage your sexual behavior and it's there to keep you safe but it also impacts your witness in as a way that you obey and serve God so submit this area of your life to God and place them at the center doing everything you do for the glory of God I don't talk to me how many people I meet in this city that feel like they have just had a divine anointing from God to make up their own rules about their dating well that doesn't apply it's mm well you don't I I followed that until I was 20 but now that I'm 30 its game on like what you don't get to make up the rules right we don't get to cut out parts of the Bible that are difficult I'm telling you God is really good now listen to the statement hear it sex is not a basic human need I know I know I know that's a hard pill to swallow air air is a basic human need water is a basic human need listen somebody's telling you this is just a basic human need if somebody cannot manage their their sexuality before you're married to them how can you trust they're going to manage it once you're married to them if somebody's driven by their flesh now what makes you think and they haven't learned to to have self-control and they're not willing to have an ounce I mean okay it's a big outs a large ounce of sacrifice for you now how is that how's it going to work in marriage marriage is all about sacrifice a little bit too much there's a lot of sacrifice in marriage there's a lot of dying to yourself real love real relationship isn't just how somebody makes you feel it's I want to serve you even though I'm tired I'm gonna love you even though I wanted you to love me right I'm gonna do this for you even though I did it for you yesterday and I wanted you to do that for me marriage is true love is a commitment you guys hona totally out doesn't mean marriage I'm just gonna say this he serves me way more I really noose how about my game but I'm saying with his thoughts what his thoughts probably are towards me I make the coffee every day I know but I want to say this because there's a lot of things that happened where we kind of start making up our own rules I want to encourage you to be powerful in the holy spirit follow follow God's Way it is worth it and God will empower you to do everything you're called to do he's not called us to things that he hasn't given us the power to do okay if you're single and wanting to be married maximize this time grow your business get in shape learn that new skill pursue God right develop yourself stop waiting around for somebody else to get your life started don't buy the lie that you have to date the world's way don't buy the lie that you can't wait until you're married to have sex don't buy the lie that the Bible doesn't matter in 2019 don't buy the lie that God can't be trusted don't buy the lie that you have to give somebody part of yourself you're not supposed to give so that you can keep them they're not worth it if that's the case don't buy the lie that you'll never be treated well don't buy the lie that good men don't exist look around this room man that should have been a name in from you that was it that was a set nobody took it don't buy the lie that you'll always be rejected don't buy the lie that you suck at relationships you're a child of the Living God your God is all about relationships your God is the author and perfecter of relationships every this whole thing is about relationship with God relationship with people this is what all all this whole thing we're doing this is what this is about God wants to heal relationships and us God wants us to to be free in relationships we're called to be the light of the world and we are if I'm honest relationally the church is not being the light in the world because we're trying to do everything like the world does it and we have no authority when God's given us an outline of how to do relationship that will make us different and that will make us powerful and have real authority to heal and bring solutions and so I want to encourage you wherever you're at in this journey whether you're single whether you're dating whether you're married see this doesn't stop when you're married because in marriage it's not like oh I've arrived I married no intentionally pursue your spouse date your spouse grow yourself like this never stops right we continue to become healthier individuals we continue to grow we continue to to do this so this is a lifelong journey of lifelong process will you stand with me as we close hona just said you should ask who wants to get saved Wow Jesus help us help us help us all God I pray that we would have ears to hear this message not for other people for ourselves for ourselves God we want to do everything we do for the glory of God and God we repent we repent for our lack of trusting you and your ways God that we just allow ourselves to be driven by our flesh or what everybody else is doing or we've we've looked to two culture or movies so tell us how to date more than we've looked to your word God we pray that you would bring us back into alignment lord I pray for every person that's single in this room Lord that every one God would truly be able to maximize this season of growing deeper in you becoming healthy God becoming just so aware of how valuable and worthy and powerful and called they are in you I pray God anything in us that keeps looking for somebody else to validate us God break that off of us I pray that we would feel the validation of our Father over us and if there's anywhere in it's when we believed a lie that just says this is just how I am lord I pray that our we would teach our flesh to submit to our spirit and I thank you that we are not bound to our flesh we are not slaves to sin we're powerful and so lord I pray that you would help us to walk in that authority God we give you Lord are our singleness and our dating God and we ask that you would help us we invite you into the middle of it God we invite you into the middle of it would you lead us God I pray for the married couples in this room Lord I pray that you would bless their marriages Lord I pray God that they would go deeper and be so full of you God can I pray that that our marriages in this community would be so passionate God and healthy and vibrant that you would heal places of brokenness God that you would you would just that there would just be so much romance and passion in marriages Lord health commitment father I pray God that we would Revere and respect your heart for covenant relationship forgive us God for seeing it so casually Lord God we invite you into the middle of our relationships our families God we ask that you would help us all to grow and to look to you to be filled and your name we pray amen we will have our ministry team down front if you'd like any prayer or you need deliverance after that word and married people I'll come for you next week so get ready guys have a great week [Music] [Music]

Channel: Expression 58

Views: 2,970

Rating: 4.8441558 out of 5

Keywords: shawn bolz, bolz, cherie bolz, expression 58, expression58, e58, church, los angeles church, revival, jen toledo, jennifer toledo, jona toledo, bolz ministries, CHRISTIAN DATING

Id: r09BUgphuI0

Length: 66min 7sec (3967 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 04 2019