Hey, thank you so
much for joining us for this message from
Fresh Life Church. If you haven't yet,
please take a moment to subscribe to
our YouTube account so you don't miss any of the
new messages as they come. Yeah, do that. Also, we're in this new series
called Yours, Mine, and Ours. It's a relationship series. We're talking marriage,
dating, love, sex-- all of the above
and encompassing. The whole thing-- enjoy this
message from God's word. All right. Well, welcome back to
Yours, Mine, and Ours. This is week 3 and-- Week 3. [APPLAUSE] We've had-- to recap-- a week that was yours. Yeah. And we started with a
week that was mine-- Well, actually
technically, it was yours. And then-- And then mine. And now it's ours. And then ours. You see what we did there? All right. And if you miss any
of the messages, we would hope you would
go online, check them out for free there on the
podcast or the Fresh Life app or our YouTube channel. And this week we have something
really special and real fun. Of course, we had
in our heart what we wanted to convey
through the series and can't wait for week 4. Next week-- Yeah. --hope you'll be there for it. But-- It's going to be so good. We took to social
media before the series began kind of when we were
with broad strokes mapping this all out. And we put out there on our
Instagram stories and our Fresh Life channels just if anybody
has any relationship questions. And it was amazing-- two things-- the speed
with which hundreds-- [LAUGHTER] --and hundreds and
hundreds and hundreds. It was almost-- Right. The questions were coming
before the question was asked. Like, oh, yes,
this is-- this is-- yes, I do. And here's seven of them. Right. And so the volume of questions
that came in, but then also the interesting thing was
as our team kind of went through them how many of them
were repeated and repeated and repeated. And so we took a bunch of them. And we put them on cards here. Jen's got a bunch. I've got a bunch. And we're just going
to basically talk. We haven't put together
answers for these questions as though we were
prepping a message. And we glanced at the list
and saw what was on there. But we thought it
would be better if the way this came across
was if we had the chance to have coffee with you. And you're-- Right. Hey, hey, hey, just
a quick question. Come sit down. Let's talk. Quick question. And then you just
were able to answer. And we wouldn't, of course,
say let me go prepare a sermon. It would be the chance for us
to say, well, you're-- here-- here's what-- and
kind of go from there. And so we thought this is-- So we don't know
what's going to happen. Yeah. We're excited. We'll see-- This-- so but every
one of these-- Beware. --questions came
from y'all, church-- Yes. --online family-- Thank you for writing them in. --and Fresh Life community. So here's a chance to
have coffee together. And it's just water
in there actually. But-- [LAUGHTER] --just a chance just to talk a
little bit about relationships. Sound good? Yeah. All right. We'll start off here. All right. First question is what is your
favorite part of marriage? Honestly it's so fun, like, I
mean, you're my best friend. And I love just
doing life with you-- I was going to do
your heart back to you like you did last week. Oh, yeah. I can't do these. I can't do-- [LAUGHTER] I got no-- I got no-- Wait. What were you doing? --hand signal game. Were you doing like this? I could do the Batman kind of. This is a heart. All the kids do the-- Oh, now it's that one
that you have to like-- That's what I'm talking about. [LAUGHTER] Is that right? Is that good, Mom? Am I-- am I on the internet now? No, but I love just-- I think my favorite thing
is just the little like-- just those moments
where it's like-- I don't know, like at
dinner with the kids. And I look up-- and I look up. And I'm just like I
love being parents-- I love being parents with you. I love being a mom
and dad with you. Yeah. I love being married to you. I love our weird humor-- Ridiculous. --and funny like-- I don't know. It's just-- and I think
we're going to be celebrating 15 years in a few months. And I am just-- I just love-- loved growing
more in love with you. And I love like the
little jokes that maybe we thought were long gone
that just kind of keep coming through our marriage. Yeah. And I love-- someone asked
me this the other day. But I love how you
take care of me. And I feel safe. And even last week when
I said my favorite spot is right next to you, like I-- that's the truth. And so I just-- I love getting older
and growing older. And I just-- That's awesome. --love it. It's so fun. So true. How about you? I would say-- well,
I like every moment. I mean, honestly I like-- as
I think about our relationship and our marriage, I-- no one-- everyone told
me how hard marriage was. Hmm. No one told me how fun it is. Yeah. And I think, you
know, yes, it's hard. And it's like, because I
almost went into marriage. You know, and I was
like, oh my gosh, it's going to be so
hard, because everyone's like, it's hard. How's marriage? Oh, it's hard. It's a struggle. It's hard. You need prayer. [LAUGHTER] It's almost like-- so I
kind of went in, like, so expecting it to be hard. And obviously, it is. Like you said last week,
the conflict is a part of it and the difficulties
and getting mad. But then there's
makeup sex, you know. So maybe that's
my favorite part. But-- [LAUGHTER] --but-- because
it's real, y'all. And it's great. It's real. All right, but the fun moment-- I still like brushing
our teeth together. Yeah. I like-- Like our new toothbrushes? Our new toothbrushes. We're-- how dorky are we? We are like-- [LAUGHTER] --so obsessed with
our toothbrushes. You know, it's called a quip. And they stick on the mirror. And then it-- it's just like
if Batman had a toothpaste, it would be this--
this toothbrush, it would be this toothbrush. It's true. Quip-- I'm getting no
endorsement opportunities here. But-- [LAUGHTER] --check it out. That thing is awesome. Yeah, they're amazing. But I-- so I like brushing
our teeth together. I've always thought
that was so funny. I remember-- because we used
to always when we were engaged and you know, dating we'd brush
our teeth on the phone still. Like no, you hang up. No, no, you hang up. I'm brushing my teeth-- Or fall asleep-- Now hold on a second. --on the phone. We'd fall asleep on the
phone together, you know. Yeah, so like I remember
the first time we-- after we were married, we
were brushing our teeth. It was like, hey. Hey. Hey. [LAUGHTER] You know, and it was
just like so funny to be together in that moment. And I haven't gotten over that. I know. So I would say all the moments. Like you said,
all the in-between ones, all the fun ones. Yeah. Grieving, laughing, dancing,
you know, from our earliest date nights at Costco
to, you know, get-- hopefully getting to
do something really special for our 15 year. And I just-- I love them all. It's so much fun. Marriage-- It is fun. --is awesome. Marriage is awesome. It's a gift. It's a blessing. [APPLAUSE] It's fantastic. Yeah. So that's the favorites. Good. All right. Number 2-- what is the
right age to start dating? If you're one of my kids-- [LAUGHTER] 50, 52-- right around
there is probably it. Next question. Oh. [LAUGHTER] No, you have the third one. Oh, uh-- I can do this. OK. So not-- right question--
ready to start dating yet-- I would not give a definitive-- I'm not going to answer that. Yeah. But I will say this. I'll answer your
question with a question. Oh. As only a pastor would
muddy the waters like that. [LAUGHTER] What is the point of dating? Hmm. That's the question I would ask. Anybody-- That's a good question. --say, OK, I'm ready
to start dating? All right. 13. Or all right. 17. Or all right. 27. I'm ready to start dating. Just got out of college. I would just say this. What's the purpose? Hmm. Is the purpose because that's
what you're supposed to do? Is the purpose because
that's what culture says you're supposed to do? You've got to have
a date for the prom. You've got to have a
boyfriend to go steady with. Everyone's got a boyfriend. So you got to get a boyfriend. That would be the question. And I remember sort of coming
to this conclusion looking at my friends in high school who
were in these mini-marriages. And that's what it
really felt like-- Hmm. --these mini-marr-- Right. Oh, man. It's just a little couple. It's like, it's this
fake little couple. I don't know any of
them that got married. Now I'm sure it happens. You know, high school
sweethearts, you know, get married. That's amazing. But I would just say this. The majority of
those mini-marriages did not end in marriage. And so then the question is,
what's the point of that? Right. Is-- and so I would--
that's the question I would ask to someone. When I'm ready to start
dating, what's the point? And the advice I would give--
and kind of where we came to in our lives-- was to not approach dating
as a game or a sport-- Hmm. --you know, but
rather something you turn to when marriage is in
the not too distant future. Yeah. Now I'm not saying,
you know, it's like that you're going to date. And then that's the one forever. But if not, at least
going towards marriage, at least that's a possibility--
like that's something that's in the not
too distant future-- Right. --then what's the purpose of it? Right. I agree. I think also if
you are at an age-- and I think the best thing
is having that conversation and communication with your
parents or if not your parents, then small group leader or just
to have that accountability and that advice coming in, I
think just to know that this is an area that you need to have
people who are wise and have been there to be able to speak
into your life and to say, hey, you can't date until you're 17-- to not buck at that as like,
oh, I can't date until I'm 17. But oh, OK. What-- that's great. What can I do up
until that point? Yeah. How can I be? You know, and I think
really when you start dating and then you hold hands
for the first time and you're 15 years old, it's
like all of those little things are just going to
want you to have sex. I mean, holding-- It's an ignition
countdown sequence. Right. Right. I mean, there's times
where we're holding hands. And it's like-- [LAUGHTER] Tell me more about it. I don't understand. I want to understand. No, but it just-- it leads-- it's always leading up--
any physical contact with the opposite sex is
going to lead up to that, because that's like the-- Yes, for sure. [LAUGHTER] Any contact. So I'm just saying-- Yes. I'm just saying why put yourself
in any position or any-- Now, what are we
not saying in that? We're not saying like you
shouldn't-- and then again this is not a hard and fast rule. But I'm going to--
like for us, it wasn't that we didn't have
friends of the opposite sex. It's not-- Right. --that we didn't
have a boyfriend. You went to dances. You had friends. Right. I mean it was-- but it's just
this mini-marriage mentality that's so dominating
our culture-- Totally. --and sold to us, because that's
how it is in every single film. I just think that we
should choose what we do and to do so intentionally-- Right. --meaning it's
heading somewhere. What's the purpose of this? What's this going to lead? And is this going to expose
me to more temptation than I want to expose myself
to, put myself in a place where I'm giving my
heart away prematurely and when God perhaps has
something better for me. Right. And I think it's just so key to
have those people in your life, your people, who are
like, hey, I noticed that you haven't been around. And you've only been hanging
out with this person. Like, I think we just need
those people in our life. So don't stop inviting advice. Don't stop inviting-- Yeah. --wisdom. Just keep people-- Yeah, and there's nothing wrong
with like, having a crush, having those feelings. That's going to happen-- Right. --all throughout and
keeping note of that. Write it down in your diary. Tell someone-- Right. My thing is it's just-- there's a difference between
feeling something and it being the right time to act on it-- Right. --and the right time
to move towards it. You know, like well, if
I don't date him now, he's going to go out and--
let me tell you something. If he's the right one,
he'll be the right one. Right. If you're meant to marry
this person, that's going to happen without,
you know, necessarily when you're not at a
season where that's really what's right for you-- Yeah. --being something you're
doing prematurely. Right. Well, and I think too it's-- there's so much value in
hanging out with groups. So like Fresh Life students,
when you have student hangs and camp, like, there's-- it's so much fun being
with groups of people. And you see-- even
if you like someone, you get to see how
they are when-- in competition or
when things get hard or they get disappointed. Like, I feel like group hang
outs is so important just to have those
friends in your life, but getting to just see people. And when it's time, like
involving the family. Yes. You know, it's
like you're dating. Like I know when
we started dating, I asked your dad's
permission to proceed. Like, we had been
friends for a long time. Yeah. We had a great friendship. But then it was just
like, hey-- and you had lived in a different place. But it was like, hey, I-- this is-- I mean, I was
still honoring the role. You guys, he wrote
a letter to my dad. [INAUDIBLE] I licked a stamp. It was crazy. I know. [LAUGHTER] Next level. Yeah, but just that sense
of honoring and like, involving the family-- Yes. I want to honor this. I think that's so important. I want to honor this authority. And it's like a different
approach to maybe our culture would show us. Yeah. All right. Next question-- this one
was asked again and again and again, which
is heartbreaking. So here's the question. I am in love with someone
who is not a Christian. And presumably this
person is saying I am. Some people in my
life are against it. Is it wrong? I don't know what to do. So what do you tell someone
who is in love with someone who's not a Christian? What would you say? [LAUGHTER] I would say this. I would say if funda-- because it's all about
what you have in common. You know, you want
to marry someone where there's commonalities. Now, opposites
attract, obviously. But if the fundamental
thing-- if the key thing-- if the foremost thing about
you-- when we talk about being a Christian, we talk
about being a follower of Jesus, someone who said,
hey, I'm running after Him. His word sets the pace for-- Hmm. Yeah. --my life. It's not my will be done. It's thy will be done. Yeah. And that informs everything,
because who your God is, of how you see life,
that informs how you're going to spend money. That informs how you're going to
want to approach child rearing. That informs how
you're going to want to approach every
subsequent thing, because if we're talking about
being a Christian like that's a box I checked, like are
you Democrat or Republican? Oh, this. Are you-- are you Caucasian
or African-American? Oh, this. And are you-- what's
your religious belief? Oh, I'm a Christian. If you-- if it's
that sense, if you're a Christian in that sense,
then what does it matter? But if you're saying-- Hmm. --it's not a box I checked. It's a Savior I've
bowed down my knees to and I've given my life to. And I want to-- Come on. --honor Him. I believe He hung on that
cross and paid for my sins and rose from the dead. Yeah. If I'm running after Him
my whole life whatever I do, whether word
or drink, if it's all done in the name
of Jesus and I'm saying I want to tie my
soul to someone who has not made that decision,
then I would ask you what do you have in common. Right. Like, we both like football. You don't have the
most important thing in common with this person. Now let me just speak to those
of you who are not Christians. You're here. And you would say, well, I
want to marry a non-Chris-- I want to marry someone
who's a Christian. They're going to-- [CHUCKLE]
They're going to want to convert you the
rest of your life-- the rest of your life. They're never-- Hmm. --ever, ever. They'll tell you, no,
it's not a big deal. It's-- they're lying, OK? [LAUGHTER] They're going to work
on you, pray for you, try to-- the rest of-- their small group's going
to be praying for you. Right. They're never going to stop. They're going to leave
little books around where you might see them. They're going to be
peppering in little thing. So let me just tell you. You-- do you want to be
someone's evangelistic project for the rest of your life? OK. So you should run, all right? That's a good point. And now to the
other side of it-- can God work in that way? Has-- can we think
of stories where God's worked out that way? Of course, we can. But do you want to take
someone's exceptional, noteworthy God-- God moved the mountains, and
use that to hang your life on and to build your life on this? Because what it
feels a lot like-- from those who I've
talked to or in situation is rowing a boat with
only one ore in the water. Hmm. To be in a place
where you don't have this in common and the
anguish and the pain of having to sort out how to raise
children with someone who you're wanting this. And they're-- that's
not how they see life. And so if you're
here, and you're married to someone
who's not a believer, don't ever give up hope. Don't ever give up hope. We're praying for you. We're believing with
you for the salvation. But if you're here saying,
I'm in love with this person, and they're not a Christian,
and other people in my life are obviously presumably telling
me this is not the one for you, I'm telling you, you should
listen to those other voices in your life. Yeah. And that's what I would say. Totally. And I think also the difference
between being in love with someone and maybe being
infatuated with someone, where maybe the
attraction is physical, or maybe they are amazing,
and have a great personality, and are fun and
awesome to be with. But I would just even-- I would, likely Levi
said, take in the advice that people are
saying around you. But also, just kind
of check that, too. Like, being in love
could be mistaken for something different. That's it. It's good. OK. Sheesh-- we're
getting right into it. "How do you keep sex
fun even after being married for a while?" Well. [LAUGHS] I would say, practice. And so the more you practice,
the more fun you have. And, yeah, I think
like anything, it's like playing the violin. Does playing the violin-- the more years you spend with
it-- make you worse at it or better? With that same violin,
think about a Stradivarius. You know, you talked about
wanting to be an expert and felt immediately ashamed. Last week, you talked
about your Evernote doc on how you try and
keep track of me. And you said, I want to be an
expert at figuring him out. I'm like, good luck with
that because I haven't even figured myself out. But I think when you
look at it that way-- because the goal of sex--
and you mentioned this-- is to give pleasure,
not receive it. So you think about we're living
in this era of auto-sex, where so many people are having
sex with themselves, and pornography's
fueled this, of course. And really, at the
end of the day, the emptiness of that is
it's all about taking. Right. It's all about
receiving pleasure and not about giving pleasure. And the most pleasure you will
ever have is in giving it. Like Jesus said-- this is the
best sex advice you'll ever get-- you know,
it's more blessed to give than to receive. Right. And so when your mentality
is I want to give pleasure, I want to understand
my spouse in order to learn how to give them
pleasure, it can't get old. Right. And I would say also, to
add one thing, you know, there's nothing sexier than
praying with your spouse. And our times of prayer--
the intimacy you feel, the oneness you feel together
before God, that passion-- to me, you're never
more desirable than when we're praying together and
that time of being alone. And so I would say,
build your prayer life. Think outside the bedroom. I'm going to spice
things up, you know? It's like you think
about something you're going to buy on Amazon. It's like think
outside the bedroom. That's where sex begins. Right. Well, even how it's been said,
sex starts in the kitchen. Like, just-- And if you don't have kids,
it will start in the kitchen. Yeah, when we didn't have kids. It's true. Yeah. [CHUCKLING] Awesome. But the mentality of
what you're saying is, and we're saying, is when
you think outside the bedroom to that morning,
it's small words of kindness throughout the day. Right. It's that text. It's the sweetness,
the attitude. When I get that text from you
at 2:00 PM, I'm thinking of you. I'm praying for you. I love you. I mean, it's like
that fosters the fires and puts the little-- like,
when you're building a fire, you put all the wood in place. It's the little wood. It's the newspaper. It's all the all things. And it's like those things
all throughout the day. It's picking up your wet
towel and hanging it up. It's remembering the little
things the other person loves. It's going out of your
way to do something. It's keeping track
of those things. So that's how you keep the
fires of marriage blazing. And then, quite frankly,
it's how you guard yourself throughout the day, too. Right. Because-- That's good. --the more you're compromising
with what you're looking at, that erodes your satisfaction. And that's really, I think,
ultimately one of the big problems about pornography is
pornography-- before marriage, in marriage-- it tells you and
trains you to not be pleased by the wife or the husband
that God gave you-- Right. --and the novelty, and the
stimulation, and all that. So I think it's
what you don't allow and what you intentionally,
consciously do. And then focusing more
on giving than receiving. And watch out. Watch out now. Lots of babies. (CHUCKLING) Lots of babies. Five, last time I counted. Ay, no bragging, just saying. [CHUCKLES] Yeah. Good. It's awesome. Oh, next question. This one, again, multiple
multiple, multiple times. So here's a repeated one. "What is your take on living
together before marriage?" Good financial move, right? Yeah. Well, it's kind of like what you
were talking about earlier as far as when we were dating
and engaged, I mean, we didn't live together or
have sex before we got married. And we were talking about this
earlier on with some staff, too. And it's just, if you can
have self-control and practice that self-control
before marriage, then that's going to
be something that's going to mark your marriage. Yeah. And I think it is something
that is so normal. I mean, it's so normal for
people to live with each other before they're married because
it's like, well, let's see if-- Test the waters. Yeah, let's see if we-- Kick the tires. --are good together and-- Try the shoe on. Right. Blah, blah, blah. Which makes sense from
a practical standpoint. But like we were
talking about last week, when you look at marriage
the way God designed it-- for one woman, one
man, one lifetime-- and to have that,
the beauty of sex and intimacy within the
marriage, that commitment-- Yeah. --that's the goal. Yeah. Well, and quite
frankly, Google it. Look into it. The statistics bear witness. That does not prepare you
for marriage effectively. That is not like,
OK, we're going to get married in a little bit. But first, let's live
together and move in. That's going to be really great
as a movement towards marriage. It does not help
the marriage out. It shoots the
marriage in the foot. It actually, it causes you to-- and I would say, even if
you don't live in together, if you're dating someone, and
they're kind of pressuring you, or you're both kind
of thinking about it as a means towards the long-term
good of the relationship, backing up, think
about it this way. The forbidden fruit in the
relationship before you're married is each other. Mm-hm. So when you and I
were engaged, like, we knew we had made
the decision, we want to wait until we're
married to have sex. And it was so challenging--
so challenging to make it. Right. I mean, she had a roommate. And so we would always
call her roommate. Like, hey, we're
coming over for dinner. What are you doing? We'd like to cook
dinner for you also. Come hang out with us. We could not be alone together--
could not be alone together, because we just knew giving
into the challenge was so easy because we wanted to, because
putting a ring on your finger doesn't turn your sex drive on-- duh. So we made that choice. And then we had
to make it really hard for ourselves, or easy for
ourselves to keep that choice. Right. We were the forbidden fruit. And it was so important. Now, part of you
could reason, she's going to be my
wife in three days. I mean, think about the
night before our wedding, after the rehearsal dinner. It's like, she's going to
be my wife in 24 hours. What does it matter? It's all about authority. It's all about boundaries. And it's all about what we
say to God of His rules, because there will always
be forbidden fruit. And that's why there was
that tree in the garden to that other option. Love can't be love
without a choice. Right. So here am I now. I've made this vow to you. And I think part
of our commitment for each other
and the confidence we have in each other
comes from those days, because we honored where
God had the boundary then. And so now I'm not worried
when you're out for a day. I'm not worried if
I'm out of town. I'm not worried
because I know what you feel about God's authority. I know what you feel
about His boundaries. You were faithful with me. Now you're faithful to me. So it's showing God-- That's good, Levi. --I respect, and your spouse,
I respect that boundary line. And even though I
could rationalize, it's going to be mine. Therefore, it's almost
as good as mine. But it's not mine. And we hadn't made
a legal, social-- I mean, think. That's why we
invite our friends. It's a social commitment. It's a legal commitment. We went into the office, and
we got this certificate-- all of these things. And it was financial. We canceled our bank accounts. We made a bank account. We made a new life. We made a new home. We made a new family. Right. And once that
commitment was there, then we sexually
sealed the union and welded ourselves
to each other. And so I think it really erodes
the foundation that the home's meant to build on. And quite frankly,
if-- and I'm sure there's examples where it's
the opposite of the stereotype I'm about to give. But if this guy's telling
you, I'm going to marry you, but let's move in
first, that is not a movement toward the altar. That is not a movement
towards eventually him giving himself and
pledging himself to you. Right. And it's a chance,
and it's a space. We even say-- and we always do. With people who are
dating now, you're having sex now, I would say,
if you're going to set a date, I would say, give
that space between now and the time you get
married and abstain. If you're living together,
I don't care what it takes. Move into your friend's
garage for a season. Right. Separate. That way, you can honor God
and give God that space-- Totally. --before you come
together and get married. And we know that when we
honor God and follow His ways, He's going to honor
us and bless us. So you know He's
doing these things. He says these rules or these
boundaries for our best. And I just say, why not
follow His best for us? So good. OK, "What are some
communication tips for a young married couple?" It's a good question. Communicate. Yeah. Just start communicating. And you'll learn that you
don't communicate well, and that you need to grow in it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh gosh, use your words. Body language matters. I would say,
communication tips-- when you're frustrated, you have
to ask yourself the question, do they know how
I feel right now? Am I expecting them
to read my mind? Right. I'm upset. I'm frustrated. You may have no clue why I'm
feeling the way I'm feeling. And so when I, in
a non-hostile-- this is so big-- non-passive-aggressive,
non-blaming, non-accusing way say to you-- and it even makes me
vulnerable, and be specific-- when you said this,
or when you did this, when I asked you to do this
and you did-- whatever it was-- this is how it made me feel. And that vulnerability
of I'm telling you it made me feel small. It made me feel unimportant. It made me feel this. That's how it made
me feel, And I just wanted to bring that to you. Right. And those communication--
it is the life blood. And we're always growing in
this, and always working on it, and trying to always improve it. But, yeah, it's
vital to communicate. Right. And, well, kind of like what we
were talking about last week, too, of, like, when
you know that you're going to have
conflict in marriage, when you know that there's going
to be things that you're going to need to communicate
about and talk through, and you know that on
the other side of it is going to be a
stronger marriage, like, we have said it before. Like, it's kind of like-- video game again-- but being
in, like, Super Mario's-- Yeah. By the way, look at
you and your Fortnite-- I had no idea what I was talking
about, if you couldn't tell. Couldn't tell. But, like, when
you finish a level, or, yeah, when you're
going up against, like, Bowser or
whatever, and you're fighting that bad guy enemy. The boss at the end
of the stage, yeah. But then, after you
defeat that enemy, you get to go to another level. And so we've kind
of, in our marriage, it's just been where we
realize when we're fighting, we're not fighting
against each other. We're fighting to get
to that next level. And I think that's so
important for us to know is just to talk through it. And if you can't
tell, in our marriage, he is the communicator. And I am very much not
a great communicator. It's harder-- Yeah, we believe that is
approximately 0% of all-- It's hard for me to fully
explain how I'm feeling, because I am, in my
16 personalities, I am 79% feeler or feelings. And so I feel everything. And that's been a
struggle for me, to not let my feelings lead
me, but to feel my feelings, but then to do,
usually honestly, the opposite of
what I'm feeling. But in our case, where it's
hard for me to explain, OK, this is how I'm
feeling and why-- half the time I don't know
how I'm feeling or why-- but I try to communicate that. And I think when
there's a understanding on both sides of he's
wanting to understand me, and I'm wanting to
communicate, and just that-- the end game is
to beat this level and to go to the next level, I
think, is helpful in my mind. And then on the other
side of that, you know, my problem is almost never
articulating what I'm-- here I am. [INAUDIBLE] I don't
know what I'm saying. I'm at a loss for words. I can usually describe exactly
what I'm feeling and why, and three examples of it,
and the whole situation. And he says it, and then
he's, like, over it. So for me-- But I'm still, like, reeling-- --the issue-- --and, like, I don't even know. [LAUGHS] So good-- is figuring
out, and how to give you space to come to it. Right. And not rush into
conversation when you're not ready
to talk about it, and not demanding that you be
able to articulate what exactly you're feeling, but
giving you the space to listen without a mentality
of, I'm going to fix it, because 90% of the time,
you don't need me to fix it. You just need me
to care about it, and just to listen and accept
it, and respond to that, and let that sink in. So I think it's
really important. And grow-- and like
you said, every bad guy you defeat, you get
the new whistle. You get the frog. You all the different things. And you get to
collect those things. So over our years, all the
fights-- the payoff has been, the tool we got from the bad
guy at the end of the level is we get to have that
as we go on in the game. Totally. And that's why, quite
frankly, if you leave me, I'm going with you because
all the tools we've collected. I'm going to have to start
over with someone new. That's for sure. I'm going to keep
all those tools that we have in our little
screen at the bottom that we can activate by
pushing B. All right, do the next question. That's a good one. "At what age do you start
talking to your kids about sex? And how do you know
when they are ready? And by what age should
they know all the details?" Golly. A lot to that question, and I'm
excited to hear your answer. [CHUCKLES] Well, starting when
our kids are, like, little, little, we start the
conversation of strength and honor, and that you're
valuable and worth, like, God made you and created you. So even just that aspect of,
like, you're worth something. And then as-- Well, and quite frankly,
we like each other a lot. And we're kissing. And the kids come in the room. And they'll catch us
making out and stuff. And Clover and Daisy are always
like, oh, gag me, you know? And it's like-- So those are always
opportunities. --all of them. But those are chances
to, like, embrace that-- like, it's a beautiful thing. And obviously,
we're appropriate. But it's a chance to say-- Lock your doors. --hey, there's going to
be a-- lock your door. [LAUGHS] Resisting the urge to
tell some great stories. But-- Oh, Lord-- --this is a chance to-- --help us. --give them excitement
for future marriage. Right. And that it's not gross. It's beautiful when
you love, when you're married and love your spouse. Something to look forward to. Yeah, totally. Something-- that there's
going to be a man, there's going to be a woman. And on every date night,
every one of our kids has, at a certain point,
cried on date night. Hey, let me just tell
you, every one of our kids has cried checking
them into church. Every one of our
kids has cried when we boot them from our bedroom
and lock them in their room and lock our door-- every one of them. Oh, they're going
to be traumatized. You know what? They're going to
learn to sleep alone. They're going to
learn to deal with it. They're going to cry
themselves to sleep. I don't think crying
has ever killed anybody in the history of humanity. So you know, we kick them off
our legs when on date nights when they're crying. We're showing them that
we fight for our marriage. Yeah. And these kids are
going to be 18, and off to college, and
eventually down the road starting their own families. And you know what? I still want this marriage to
be protected and to be special. Yeah. And how many marriages,
when it's now an empty nest it reveals
there was an empty marriage? It's because for those
18 years, the kids were at the center
of the relationship. So all that's a long way to say,
we holistically include them in the conversation. And our talk is not so much
a talk as an ongoing dialogue that begins as appropriate
in the smallest forms. But we seize strategic moments
to advance the conversation in an intentional way. Right. And I think the first time we
really had that with our oldest was when she was
turning 10 to 11-- right around that
age-- and just really, just continued the dialogue. But you've taken them through
books, and our daughters. And Lennox-- I'm going
to, you know, next week, we're going to have our first-- 19 months old. We're going to go to a Nike
Store, and buy some shoes, and talk. That's going to be our thing. So anyhow, but earlier
than you think. You know, I remember we used
to do these constantly-- these events around
sex and dating and all that-- before we wrote
the book that got it out to the whole world in
a large-format way. And one parent said, I'm
not sending my kids to that. And I said, well, what
grade are they in? Eighth grade. What school do they go to? Public school. And I said, yeah, you
don't really need to. You've already
given up the right to talk to them about sex. He goes, they have
not heard about sex. I'm like, they're in eighth
grade at a public school? You're kidding yourself. Yeah. And the devil will teach your
kids about sex if you won't. Well, and we know that
the average beginning age of a kid who looks at
porn for the first time is 6 years old. According to USA Today, yeah. And so even just knowing that. And obviously, we give our
kids an iPad or whatever, and use the filters, and
the things that you need. But just knowing that that's
the world we live in and-- Our bigger goal than
hiding them from sin is to prepare them for it. Yes, we want the filters. But there's going
to be a day when they have their own internet. Who's filtered it then? So you want to prepare
them to make wise choices. Right. And when they ask questions
and, I think, just taking those. The Bible says, in the kitchen,
in the car, on the road-- just ongoing-- use life to teach these things. Yeah. It's not like the
awkward sex talk. It's just life-- having that-- I think that's the key
is that communication-- Ongoing. --open, yeah. And a lot of people
feel like they don't have a moral
authority to even speak to their kids about sex
because they didn't do things God's way. I would say the exact opposite. Right. Because of the
mistakes you made, you have even more
of a platform-- Yeah, so good. --to speak up and even
be honest about that. I didn't do it God's way. And here's how that's made
it more complex in some ways. And yet, God has
something more for you. And that's what I want for you. That's what I've prayed for you
since you were a little baby. And that's why it's
so important be planted in the house together,
and all those things. It provides opportunities
right there. And the Parent Cue app that we
have within our Kids Program-- all these things we're
strategically trying to teach them on their level-- Fresh Life Students. Every year, we're
at camp, speaking into our students' heart. We want that on an ongoing way. That's right. So, all right, what's next? Well, should we pick ones that-- Yeah, because we are not
going to make a dent in these. We've taken way too much time. I know. You do whatever you want to do. What's in your heart? "What are your thoughts
on online dating?" They added, "Is this
forcing God's hand?" Ooh, mysterious. I would say, obviously,
God can use it. However, I would say this. No matter how you get
hooked up with someone, the question is, what
mechanism is in place for you to observe them in a context in
which you can see what's really going on, on the inside? Right. I could write anything
on an online profile. And I could have chemistry with
anybody that, whoa, you know, oh. Oh, OK, there's chemistry. There's a bang. Oh, my gosh, they're amazing. They're so amazing. They're so amazing. They're so amazing. Right? Well, OK, great, great,
great, great, great, great. But how are you
really going to see what's written on their soul? How are you going to see? And that's why within
the context of a space like church, where you're
getting to hopefully serve alongside them-- Totally. --see them, see how they
respond to authority, see how they respond to
boundaries, you know, and all these things--
how they respond to kids-- it's a space which you can
observe them and watch and see, because anybody
can put a face on. And then you find out what's
really going on down the road. Right. And so I would
say, I would think that even someone you've met
on social media or online, you would still really
want to make sure that you have a safe space
to really figure out what's going on and to watch them. Totally. And I mean, you've
probably heard it said. Like, before marriage, like,
keep your eyes wide open. Like, see all the signs. Look at all the red flags. Like, anyone who's
saying, hey, I saw that guy doing this,
this weekend, like, just you need to
have your eyes open. And there's no rush. So it's like, just observe. Just take the time to observe,
like you said, and see who this person is. And then once you're
married, you're married. And so you just shut
your eyes a little bit. And everything will be fine. [LAUGHS] You know, I tell
you, there's stories we've heard of people
that it's gone well. They've met someone on
eharmony or whatever it was. But I could tell you nine
horror stories for every one. Oh, they're the best. And I'm moving across
the country to marry. And it's like, and just grit
your teeth, because it's just like, watch that. Five weeks later, Mr. Right's
Mr. Annoying, and this. And they're finding this out,
and the lies and deception. And so I would probably say
there's some red flags on that. But proceed with
caution-- yellow lights. And definitely not saying,
you are forcing God's hand if you go on an online site. I'm not going to commit to that. Not going to commit. God's pretty big,
far as I can tell. So kind of on that
note, "What is the best long-distance
relationship advice?" Ooh, embrace the
heck out of that. Seriously. If there is a stretch
of your relationship when you're long
distance, that's a chance to build a friendship. The goal is to build
a friendship, not just sexual chemistry. Right. A lot of people think
the chemistry is going to kind of sustain them. And their marriage
is like explosions-- like a chemistry
experiment gone wrong. Oh, no. You need a relationship. You need substance. And those things-- that time
of being apart, with FaceTime and phone calls-- it's a chance
to really talk and listen. Making out together
feels intimate. It's actually not. It's actually not. Just making out, you're not
really getting to know them. You're not really getting
to see how each other views life and all that. Exactly. So-- Yeah. --that's good. But you think
you're getting close because you're close in
proximity and intimate. But that friendship isn't there. Yeah, so I would say, even
when you are together, try and lean into the kind of
communication and relationship that you would have to
have if you were apart. Yeah. Here's one. "When's a good time after
marriage to start having kids?" Well, we planned on
waiting five years. That was our plan. And we got pregnant just a few
months after we got married. Eight months. Eight months. Just a little more than a few. It was pretty quick, though. And you told me on the phone. Remember that? Yeah. You guys, I did all the
things wrong that you're not supposed to do. I was, like, walking into a
meeting, and she called me. So I opened my flip phone up. And-- No, but it's like now,
Pinterest shows how do you make the announcement? How do you tell your husband? And there's all
these cute things. And I did the opposite of that. Ooh, here's a good one. "Should a couple be financially
stable before marriage?" Yes. Yes. I would say this. One of the best things you
could do in your single years is getting out of debt,
making that rhythms. And, you know, what
an important thing. Yeah. Like, even just learning,
as a young person, learning to be wise,
and saving, and tithing, and all of these things. Learning that at a
young age, you'll get in the rhythm of that. I think it's so important. Yeah, because marriage doesn't
change your bad habits. It exposes them. That's so good. And it's a pressure cooker. It's going to bring
everything out. It's a rock tumbler. It'll chip off bad things. It'll expose things. And if there's not
the Holy Spirit, which is like the compounding powder
they put in a gem tumbler, they'll chip and crack. Right. So they'll come up polished. But there's pressure. And there's a
chance for damaging. And so I think
anything you can do that builds those good
habits and good rhythms going into the marriage
and a relationship is going to give you such a
position of strength patterns. It's all about patterns. Right. Well, and that's, honestly,
a point of contention for a lot of marriages. So it's like if you
can be in a place where you're making
wise choices, and then you can communicate
that with each other, that's a huge part of marriage. Oh. Pfft. One of my kids asked me today-- someone-- first
thing I'm going to do is I'm going to this person. Well, on the list, I have
a 25-point bulleted list in my Evernote. I don't have a note on
you, but I have a note on my daughter's boyfriends. [CHUCKLES] That don't exist yet. I'm going to ask them
right away if they tithe. Yeah. And then I'll call
the accounting office and confirm it. I tell you right now, because
I tell this to my girls all the time. The Bible clearly
speaks about someone who's not tithing is
someone who's dishonoring God when it comes to finances. Yeah. And the Bible
says, your treasure goes where your heart goes. Yeah. So why would you want to marry
someone whose heart is not in what God's heart is in? Right. And so these things-- That's really good. --they seem small. They're ultra-significant. One of the questions here is,
"Should a husband and wife go to two different churches?" No. No. No, you shouldn't. You know, it's about authority. It's about what you're learning. It's about what
you're being taught. It's about what you're
pushing towards and serving, and helping change
the world through. And we're out of time. Hm. These are some good questions. Is that helpful? Yeah. That was so fun. I wish we could go through more. Yeah. Maybe we'll sit
down on social media and go through more
of them, because we didn't put a dent out of
the hundreds of hundreds that came in. I think we made it through 14. But a good time together. So fun. And we want to pray now, just
kind of pray for this time, pray for God's best
in all these things. And, of course, in
a two-minute answer, you can't give the kind of
context that you would give. So let me encourage you. The Fresh Life groups that are
meeting all across the church this week, they're going
to be doing for an hour this week over coffee,
or before they go skiing, or whatever this
week, they're going to be sitting down and
talking about these in much greater level. Awesome. And so having
people in your life. Yeah, so important. And if you haven't had a chance
to meet your campus pastors and get to know
them a little bit-- Do it. --like, allow this kind
of thing to be the norm, and pointing to scripture,
and pointing to Jesus, and letting that set the pace. It'll change your whole world. That's right. Father, we're grateful for this
time together in Your presence. Thank You so much
for all these people who asked these questions. And thank You so much
for every single person at Fresh Life this week, and
what we're going through. And thank You that You're
a God who is with us. You're not far. You're near. And thank You that
right now, whatever is going on in
our relationships, we can make choices. We can make changes. We're not locked in. And perhaps there
are some here who, hearing some of these
things, it's difficult. And it's hard to hear and think,
gosh, if I was to act on this, I could not be in a relationship
with this person anymore. I'm dating someone who
I shouldn't be dating, or I'm in a season where
I shouldn't be dating. Or for some, it's just, there's
been so many bad decisions, they need a season
of separation. Maybe for you, you need to
clear your calendar for a while. Maybe it's going to be
six months, maybe a year. Maybe you just need to say,
hey, for the next year, I really need to sort of have
a hard reset in my soul, maybe no relationship. I just need this year just
to give myself over to God, or these next six
months-- whatever it is. Maybe God's calling you to. Or perhaps it's as simple
as breaking up with someone, or just as simple as
committing to that date night, or checking your
kids into to church, even though it's hard,
going on those dates. Whatever it is that today
has sparked something, I pray there would
be an action taken, and we would be able to
walk in Your blessings that You promise for those
of us who seek You first, in Your Kingdom, and that
all righteousness would be added unto us. And I pray specifically
for those who are here, and they are married to
someone who's not a believer. And it's hard, and
it's challenging. It's easy to grow
weary in that struggle. And I just pray for You to
help them to take heart, for You love their
spouse more than they do. And You paid for their
sins on the cross. And I pray You would give
them grace, and strength, and resolve to just
continue to love, and continue to live out
that precious Gospel story. Yes, God. And I pray for the
salvation of those souls. We love You, God, and we
thank You for this time. We say this in Jesus' name. Jesus' name. Amen. Amen. Amen, amen. What an amazing message. I'm so thankful for the message. And I hope that blessed you. Yeah, for sure. And if, you know, hearing
that, you think, gosh, I want to hear
more, of course, we would hope you would tune in
for the rest of the series. But we also want to
point you to a resource that we've put together
called Swipe Right-- The Life and Death Power
of Sex and Romance, a whole book on the
topic of marriage, dating, God's plans
for relationships. It's available on the
Fresh Life website, in addition to wherever
books are sold. And it's also about to
come out in Spanish. So check that out. So good. And if listening
to this message, you feel led to support
our ministry financially, to help us continue to
bring messages and resources to people all around
the world just like you, you can do that at
FreshLife.church. Maybe a one-time
gift of $100 or $50-- whatever you're able to do. Or perhaps you'd want to
become a recurring giver, and just regularly chip
away at what God has for us to do and be
a partner with us. We would love to stand
with you in that way. That's right. Well, thank you so much. And we will see you soon.
