Relationship Matters (full DVD)

[Music] good evening before I begin my introduction I would direct you to the program where Gordon's bio is well described the good news for all of us is that you can read it at your leisure rather than have me stumble through it for you it is thorough and it is impressive now my name is Tim Kirk and it is my honor to introduce my friend Gordon Neufeld I've been fortunate to know Gordon for over 20 years my first encounter with him was with my then girlfriend Sylvia we thought if we took Gordon's parenting class that after eight sessions we would know absolutely everything necessary to bring up my three-year-old son Sam boy were we surprised actually it turned out to be a pretty good beginning later Gordon helped sylvia myself bring up our two sons matt and charlie if truth be known he helped mainly help Sylvia and I grow up today I believe I owe a great deal to Gordon I have three interesting interested curious sons who all communicate with me we have a relationship that is both talked and listened hopefully not at the same time Gordon taught me to make time for my kids and most important listen to them everything he taught me was simple uncomplicated and intuitive that is simple but not necessarily easy for the last couple of years my foundation has helped Gordon expand his work to effectively broaden the reach of his wisdom rather than winding down his career and becoming a grandparent Gordon is gearing up to the internet and worldwide speaking engagements a virtual Neufeld Institute has been formed and Gordon is sharing his insights to an eclectic group of interns and associates from around the globe I've been fortunate enough to meet some of these in turns and it is safe to say they're both smart and keen I support Gordon's work for a couple of reasons the first is personal and obvious he has helped and continues to guide Silvia and me through the maze of parenthood the other reason is probably as or more compelling I believe in a broad sense his work is truly important he travels the world answering questions like why are there so many bullies why are codes of silence so powerful why do kids value their friends more than their parents all of us need answers to questions like these today Gordon has many of these answers it is our good fortune to hear him speak this evening I welcome dr. Gordon Neufeld [Applause] thank you Tim for your warm generous introduction and thank you for your welcome if so wonderful to see this this house from this end not just the other I'm used to being on the other side I must admit though that there was a part of me that was wishing for a really big snowstorm so that I could be delivered from this moment but there's another part of me that would have been keenly disappointed because I am after 35 years of trying to join the dots a picture has emerged that that I need to talk about and so thank you for giving me the chance this evening to talk about that picture I hope I can give you a glimpse of it put it into the into words it's always hard to put pictures into words and this one is particularly difficult and I'll go into this as we as we go further into this it's it's not that the knowledge isn't intuitive but intuition is knowledge without words and in our society that isn't enough to be able to inform our practice of parenting and teaching we need to become conscious now of certain things that we never needed to become conscious of before the culture was able to take care of a lot of things through its tradition through its rituals and now as we know society has taken an economic turn this serves the dollar rather than relationships and so we're left having to become conscious of things that our parents and grandparents never needed to and that's what I want to talk about tonight this place obviously was designed for music and not words I won't indulge you tonight that was certainly spoil it but I hope I hope that my words at least by the time we get to the end will be music to your ears although I'm sure at the beginning there'll be a discordant note or two or a melancholy note but it is it it is what I'm sharing with you tonight I believe every parent and teacher needs to become conscious of if we're going to if we're going to be an instrument of change in our society what I am I'll introduce the topic tonight what I want to talk about is is context the role of context in parenting and teaching now context is that which is usually invisible we don't think about it we don't necessarily have to be conscious of it but depending upon context it can very much change the response that is evoked in us now to put it simply the context for parenting and teaching in most simple terms is a child's relationship to those who are responsible for them the whole context for raising a child this seems so simple when said this would be so obvious and yet it doesn't inform prevailing practice today in parenting or teaching you can read book upon book upon book listen to expert upon expert there's not a course in our universities today in teaching that actually focuses on the student-teacher relationship the single most important thing that we should be aware of somehow we are blind to I'm not sure what causes that blindness maybe we were never meant to know about this how do you spell out relationship it's very difficult maybe it's because it's right underneath our noses and we can't see what is underneath our noses there's a blind spot there it's simply too close for us to be able to make sense of it seems to me that when we do see it it becomes so self-evident that we see it all over the place it screams at us from the rooftops as I find it screaming at me I promise not to scream at you tonight but if they've become so obvious when you see it now I know that I am in a sense preaching to the choir here this evening although I also am sure that some of you were had your arms twisted by well-meaning friends and acquaintances it's them what what I want to do is to be able to simply contribute to the opening of eyes to give words to that which youth is usually intuitive to something that should resonate and that's what I hope to contribute to this evening let me go before I begin I'd like to just take a look at the term context because I'm going to use it as a theme as I unfold the material this evening context literally means con with text the words what comes with the words it's what comes with the words that can actually evoke the response in us it's that part again which we don't pay that much attention to but we respond intuitively to now I'm sure that we've all I read a Shakespeare play maybe back in high school and then we saw it professionally produced we saw the words in a context we had not imagined them before and those words when we heard them when we heard them presented evoked a completely different response then we when we had read them Macbeth Julius Caesar Hamlet let me illustrate by a very common phrase I love you I love you said by a boy to his puppy said by a grandmother to her granddaughter I love you said by a three-year-old for the very very first time to his mummy I love you said by one spouse in the midst of some marital conflict said by a high school coach to a fourteen-year-old girl on his volleyball team who said by a complete stranger you suspect of stalking you I could go on and on and on you get the picture right you get the picture it evokes a completely different response depending upon context I'm going to change it a bit instead of that which comes with the words we're going to look at that which comes with the child that which comes with the child to parenting to teaching to the action to the scene of the action is is most important in determining the response of that child and that's what we have no words for that's what we only have intuition for and I get I get told over and over again when I talk do that I know what you were saying but I didn't know that I knew that I felt it intuitively but I had no words and that's exactly what I want to share why do we need words now we need words because culture is not calling forth those intuitions like they used to it has changed and and without words we can't come to consciousness and without consciousness we can't inform practice and so the words become important and so it is that which I want to talk about it's that it's it's that which comes with the words but not the words it's that part of the factor that is that in the equation that is generally wordless and so that's my challenge my challenge is to find those words to be able to convey them to bring them out sometimes I have to invent them because again it's so close to us those words simply don't exist for us and so that is that is what I'm going to try again and I'm going to take three common actions and parenting three common actions in parenting and teaching and take a look at those actions what those actions evoke in a child depending upon what the child brings with them and in this case we're focusing of course on relationship matters that relationship is the most important factor in the parenting equation in that illustration I gave you in terms of I love you the words were the same in each case the relationship was different and it was the relationship because of the relationship being different that would evoke a different response and the listener in the recipient and so on and so these these these three illustrations or these three innocence actions first of all to give direction that is our responsibility as parents and teachers to give direction to children we start time to get up time to go to bed eat your vegetables pay attention turn off the TV TV in school we give directions about what to study why to study where to study all of those kinds of things directions all the time we're giving directions and rightfully we should it's our responsibility to give directions what prompts our directions of course is a child a child in need of direction and being a child you're always in need of direction and guidance so this is one of our primary responsibilities if you if you would look at how much of your interaction is actually giving directions you're actually telling a child what to do what to think how to think where to go all the time can you imagine being in their position so what prompts us as I say is seeing a child in need of direction what the focus is on the parenting literature is how to do it as simple as you can as concise as you can as clearly as you can and as consistently as you can you've all heard that over and over and again and you've got to give the directions so they can be followed so there you have it many books saying the same thing over and over again but basically it is in terms of how to give direction to your child now this particular interaction usually happens in a certain setting in one's house and we do feel that that is what gives us the responsibility and it certainly does in my house I ask you to in my house in our home you need to and so it gives us both a responsibility and many times we also feel it gives us our right it entitles us to or alternately in my class how do you like that we'll see that again there we are in my class sometimes I have fun doing these kinds of things you know is this okay can i play for a while and so on in my school in my classroom you will do this you will do that we will do this and so on and so on and so on again we certainly are responsible and we think often it also gives us the right in terms of of doing these things but here's the problem if we got all of this right if we covered all our bases usually we think if we do this if we get the timing right if we're consistent if we're clear if we give directions that can be followed if it's in our house in our home in our classroom where it should be then if we if we do all of this properly we should have a successful outcome but it's what we don't see here that tells the story it's what we don't see that determines the outcome these are important elements but they're not pivotal they they don't control what the outcome will be what a child brings to the equation what a child brings is what is going to determine whether that child is receptive or resistant what is it then we would ask what is it what what comes with the child for the direction to be received well one of two things in joining the dots over the years one of two things it's quite simple really the first the first is that the child must be using the adult as a compass point must be getting his bearings from the adults having a sense of of when he's with the adult or the person giving the direction it it's that he's not lost that that he in a sense is is is at home he has a sense of where he is and following directions but here's the thing that a compass point is is not declared by the person giving a directions the compass point is a function of relationship the science of relationship we now call attachment and so here we see that it's the it's it's not the setting that renders a child it's not because it's in my house or in my class or in my school it's because the child has attached to the adult that makes of that adult a compass point automatically setting up that parent to be able to or that teacher or the step parent or the foster parent or a grandpa or grandma or uncle an aunt for the child to be receptive to those directions now if a child is more attached to his peers then as his peers that are his compass point is peers from which he takes his directions from peers automatically taking his his his guidance it doesn't matter how consistent they are it doesn't matter how clear they are it doesn't matter whether directions can be followed it matters only that they're the compass point that is why we must be the compass points of our children why we must be the compass points of our students because as parents our responsibility is to give that direction give that guidance we can't be that we cannot do that without the help of their attachment it's what designates us is what gives us our authority at in that way now there's another issue here not only must a child be attached to the person giving it directions to be responsive to be receptive to those directions but the child must be attached in what we would call the dependent mode attachment comes in two sets of instincts they're meant to match really when we get attached no matter who we are how old we are we get attached in one of two modes there is the dependent mode to look up to to seek for assistance to seek for guidance and direction to defer to depend upon to look to be taken care of and then there's the alpha mode which is its match to assume responsibility to give the orders to give the direction to take care of to to look out for and those two are meant to fit together quite perfectly and so we have the Alpha complex and even in all the animal world this is true excuse me this is true and we have the dependent complex and that leads to the attachment dance attachment is about facilitating dependence so it makes sense so not only must the child attach to the teacher not only must the child attach to the parent but the child must attached in the dependent mode because only in the dependent mode does it feel right to receive direction does it feel right to take orders does it feel right to accept commands does it feel right to follow in the alpha complex the instincts are to lead not to follow to give the orders not to take them to give the commands we have a problem is that a North America for some reason we're having an epidemic of alpha children children who bossed their parents around who tell their parents what to do who are demanding who give the orders I've even had children who time out their parents give them the silent treatment and I even had to in my practice who locked their parents out until they would do their out of the house until they would do their bidding it feels right for these alpha children to be doing so in our North America we see these children is strong we see them as independent yes they're not dependent upon us they're meant to be dependent upon us we confuse this with being strong and actually in actual fact they're attaching in the wrong mode many of the of the immigrate immigrants coming into our country say how different North American children are from virtually anywhere else in the world and I believe because we have lost something here now why is it that children are not attaching in a dependent mode I think it's primarily because we're not accepting our rightful position one of there's many reasons for this but one of the most significant reasons is for children to depend upon us we've got to give a strong presence we've got to be able to assume that rightful place that alpha place I will take care of you you can lean on me that wonderful sense that I am your answer you're lucky to have me I'm your best bet there is that wonderful place in the Alpha position where you move to assume responsibility not to lord it over a child I'm not talking about that and people can abuse it in that way but there is that place where you are responding you move to that place where you know you are your students answer you are your child's answer I believe that as parents and as teachers and I see this all over in terms of teachers do we are now moved into the dependent mode ourselves parents and teachers are asking for direction that's the most common thing I get asked what should I do how do I act please dr. new felt give me some direction and I say I dare not because if you take direction from me you are in the dependent mode your children must never see you that way they must never see you that way and we have thousands of experts that are dumbing parents down every day the thing about our grandparents is they knew that they didn't know they didn't read books like you and I not on parenting not on teaching they knew they didn't know but they knew they had to Bluff it because that's a lot what the Alpha does you have to be the answer to your child you have to find inside of yourself as a teacher that you are the answer of the student not know the answers be the answer and that makes all the difference we're giving a rise to a whole generation of parents who look like deer caught in the headlights can you imagine going to a therapist he'll and he says to you well I don't know this is my first time clients don't come with a manual you know I'm not sure if I can help you ah you have to assume the Alpha position you Bluff it until it comes true and that's the part that our children need our children need us to present ourselves in that way I am your best bet you can lean on me and then hope like anything we can figure out how to do this thing I will take care of you and then figure out how we will do so but they need from us that strength of confidence that comes from that place so that they can take their rightful place and unless they take their rightful place we have a generation of children who are resisting direction some of them are attached properly but some of them are not in a right relationship because they're having a last word they're in the Alpha position we need to find our way back to this we know this intuitively what I'm trying to do is put some words to it so we can find it consciously if we are the designated or we are the compass point of course then we also need to act that way we act we need to act true to that we need we need to be able to give directions responsibly but the key thing here is is for the child's receptiveness is that may need to be in right relationship with the adults who are giving direction to them there's another there's another condition here another thing that will lead to receptiveness on the part of a child and this is if the child has a sense of shame some place if he has a sense of heading someplace that the directions would facilitate so if this is true if the tiles has a sense of being at the steering wheel of life the driver's seat of life so to speak if this is true then then and the direction is facilitative of that then the child will be receptive but what gives rise to this what gives rise to a child being full of aspirations goals wants ideas of wanting to to be his own person wanting to chart his own directions to find his own meanings the answer is very simple here this too is a function of relationship before a child has a venturing forth kind of energy before a child feels at the steering wheel of life before they are in the driver's seat they first by default are looking for home base they're looking for a place that the attachment can be secure the contact and closeness is not in question they need to be able to take that for granted I always know when I meet a child who's curious who's venturing forth who has aspirations that truly come from themselves who is emerging as a viable person with their own meanings that somewhere in this child's life somewhere in this tiles life is somebody who is playing home base there's somebody who is who is actually taking the role upon them of making sure the contact and closeness is secure that nothing will come between allowing themselves to be taken for granted in the sense of the connection of mattering of significance so that so that nature can change gears in the child venture for as soon as home base is not secure the first thing the child does is scramble back there's many children today who are preoccupied with trying to to find home base and of course if children are attached to their peers their home base is continually insecure they can never go anywhere they become more preoccupied and we have a whole generation of children who are becoming addicted to the search for home base staying in touch MSN chat lines having to be in contact all the time all the bentrim fourth energy is gone the ones who can best serve this purpose are moms and dads our grandparents are those who know what a child needs but but somebody has to step forth to do this peers can't do this I'll never forget braiding my youngest of the five he was only 3 I think 3 or 4 years of age and he captured this dynamic beautifully of venturing forth and home base it's a very simple statement my wife joy was giving him a hug was at bedtime and he said mommy when you hug me like that it makes me feel like I can fly mommy was taking care of home base mommy was taking care of the contact and closeness so nature could make him want to fly venture forth how do we get a venturing forth child we give them a home base you can't make it happen you can't push it you've got him you've got to give him a home base back to the scene of the action here so receptivity to direction then is a function of relationship pure and simple directly it is a result of the trials being in right relationship with whoever is giving directions not only attached but attached the dependent mode it renders that child receptive or indirectly a product of another relationship someplace where somebody is serving as home base the child feel secure can take it for granted and now nature can get on with the energy of being able to venture forth excuse me now the child feels at the steering wheel of life but if these things are missing first of all if one is there that is great if two are there that's even better one is sufficient to do the job but two is much better but if both of these are missing there is neither one or the other then we have a problem it doesn't matter how perfectly you do your job it doesn't matter how how clear you are how concise you are and somebody your substitute teacher another individual might say exactly what you say so many times parents are saying we'll just tell me what to say give me the words so I can know model them for me it's not that at all that's not the pivotal factor is your child's relationship to you that's going to determine the outcome whether it's resistance or whether it is whether it is receptivity the default setting for children in terms of direction that is is actually resistance that's the default setting it is for most of us if anybody pushes us around no tries to tell us what to do we get her back up unless of course we're attached to them or we were going in that direction in the first place but other than that we bog if they tell us to hurry hurry up we feel like slowing down none of us takes kindly to what feels like coercion and it always feels like coercion when we're not attached or when we're not or when we're not going in that direction the name I give it is counter will I talk about it a lot my teachings and my writing it's an absolute significant dynamic interesting enough there was no word for it in the English language and I had to go to a very old German theorist I mean old long time ago I mean is long dead at the turn of the last century to find the term counter will very simple I remember my first conscious experience of counter well I'm sure I had lots before this time but this was great too now I got to give you a context here grade one now talk about this in the book grade one was mrs. eka Berg if you read the book you'll have been introduced to mrs. eka Berg wonderful I gave her my heart fell in love with her I was loyal to her her wish was my command I took her directions I was receptive and I thought that I was a very good boy because of that and I thought that I was a smart boy but it was most likely probably because I was so attached to her then came grade 2 I'll never forget my first experience the great - teacher was get was orienting us giving us directions first day of class I believe it was if my memory serves me right on the boards he was listing her set of expectations and on this set of expectations she wrote in terms of the the the board you know on that wonderful McLean's printing that they was modeling etcetera is that I do not want to find anyone playing tag on top of the deaths it had never occurred to me in two weeks I found myself playing tag on top of the desk promptly sent to the principal's office and those days the strap was on the wall and it came down quite quickly and the principal mr. lever saves he of course said Gordy why did you do this I had no words I didn't know I thought I was a good boy I had never been sent to the office before he thought I was a good boy I had no words it bothered me it bothered me great it still bothers me today but now I understand but that wasn't the end of it it came October and in those days the RCMP came to give there to impress us all they gave an assembly they had their scarlet finest on and so we were all there and my grade three teacher says to me to the whole class now I don't want any of you to embarrass me and yell boo in the assembly I never saw it coming you have to realize I was shy I was timid I was the least you'd ever suspect of this I thought I was a good boy and when it ping came time for everybody to applause out of me spontaneously without thought or or came the loudest boom that absolutely alarmed and surprised me as well I was marched off to the principal's office again mr. lever sage now with the strap in his hand and he says to me why Gordy did you do it now I have the words 55 years later I have the words and I'm looking for all the mr. lever sages in the world to tell them it's called counter will it's very simple when somebody orders you around tells you what to do and you don't like them it makes you feel like doing the opposite when somebody tells you what to do and they haven't collected your heart it occurs to you it gives you instincts to work to rule to do the least possible that's expected and all of those kinds of things again it's called counter well it's one of the most if one of the most common dynamics among children relationship matters it makes all the difference the good instincts the good impulses that I took personally were not in me I wanted to be good for mrs. ackard burg because I was attached to her when my grade 2 teacher asked me to do things it actually caused the opposite reaction I don't know if she was any worse teacher than mrs. Ackerman the difference was that I was not attached to her now what happens what happens when we expect resistance from our children when when we don't get what it is or when we anticipate the work-to-rule campaign the doing as little as they have to when we anticipate opposition ality when we anticipate all of this there are one of two reactions the some start backing off and we have permissiveness permissiveness not giving direction which is irresponsible as various others move to embellish their direction say it harder up the ante use force coercion explanations reason anything to be to be able to to up the coercion the problem is if the relationship isn't there it just makes matters worse the greater the coercion the greater the resistance the greater the resistance the more the embellishment of directions and now we're in a place in parenting and teaching where we have become preoccupied with with this process of how to get a child to do your bidding the answer is not in how to the answer is not in the setting it doesn't matter how good one is at doing this the answer is in the child's relationship to the person doing the directing doing the bidding imposing their will with the embellishment of course we're using tricks one two three magic consequences we're using withdrawal of sanctions we're adding two things and if these don't think things don't work we're increasingly sending our children to doctors to find out what's wrong with them and they are increasingly sending our children back and saying well he's got oppositional defiant disorder there's something wrong with his brain there is absolutely nothing wrong with their brains that's the default setting there is something dreadfully wrong with the society who thinks that we can boss children around tell them what to do when we are not there compass points we've got to be able to become the compass points of our children we have to become conscious of this culture isn't doing this for us automatically anymore not connecting children to their grandparents or their uncles our aunts not even their step parents or their foster parents and they're falling out of attachment with their own parents and then we run into trouble again it's our questions are wrong we're asking how do I do this when we should be asking the question Oh war is how do I win my child's heart how how do I preserve the sense of connection how do i how do I get the kind of relationship that leads to receptivity in a child I'm going to go on to a second scenario I'll move through a little bit quicker now this one though is a very significant one confronting with utility we do this all the time we don't call it this and so I'll explain it a little bit when we're confronting with futility and by futility I mean anything that is outside of the child's control any reality that they cannot change any restriction any lack any decision that is out of their control circumstances and so on laws of nature you could go on and on and on there's no more I said no that's all the story that there's all the time there is tonight it's time to go I can't let you do this and on and on and on every time that that we put into a child's face something which they cannot control something they cannot change this is where we are confronting with futility this is a very important process very important humans are the most adaptive of all creatures but they don't adapt unless they have something to adapt to and so we are the ones to present them with that reality you're having a baby brother mom and dad are splitting Graham is sick your sister decided no and on and on and on we present all the futilities all the things in their life too and intuitively so it's our responsibility to foster this adaptation it's a significant part of parent in teaching we must do it we should do it in our home they're restrictions relax the rules and of course in school is full of it much of what we call discipline as part of this process when we withdraw privilege we say what I can do and you can't do anything about it we're confronting them we're putting that futility in their face when we give a consequence we do this we're putting that futility when we send them to their rooms we do this we we confront them with the futility all of this is confronting with futility again the focus is what provokes it is usually a child in need of changing that is a child needs to change in some way they need to come to terms with with a reality that that that they're up against they need to accept something they need to change the error of their course of action and and so what prompts us is seeing their need and we focus on how to do this although again it's not called by this name I think it's important to see what the real interaction is because then we understand the purpose it is and it's meant to play in human growth in human adaptation it's meant to promote adaptation and adaptation here in psychology or developmental psychology means deep change it's that process by which we become changed when we're up against something we cannot change it's a process by which we come to accept reality not only that but come to be resilient we learn that we can live with this we can accept this we can deal with this but this requires adaptation not just superficial adjustment this requires adaptation a very very important very very significant process but it depends upon what a child again brings to this equation it depends upon what the child brings to that determines the outcome we could do all of this perfectly and I don't believe that we're doing things much differently than what parents and teachers have been doing for years but it's not working out as well and it's not working out as well because we're losing the context we're losing the context in which it was meant to work now depending upon what the child brings to them to this equation it can lead to either adaptation the deep change we desire a child learns his lessons or accepts a lack or restriction accepts a sibling in the family or the death of Grandma B is able to deal with the with with a restriction or the alternative to adaptation is aggression and we're giving rise to an epidemic of escalating aggression among our children and so we know that there is something not working suicide rates have gone up fourfold in less than half a century among children their culture is being filled with attacking energy something is amiss for a tile to adapt to things must be there two things must be in order both of which are product of relationship first a soft heart why a soft heart it's very simple Daniel Goleman was here just a couple of weeks ago in this very same place speaking to what now has become the most significant issue the role of emotion in adaptation we now know that adaptation is an emotional process not something of the head it's not that we know something doesn't work no a rule a lack or that or that grammar is with us no more or that I have to share my mother with a sibling and I can't get her back into the womb from whence she came and I can't win all the time and be best all the time it's not enough to know those things I have to have felt the futility of those things I have to feel them it's the most in the limbic system which we call in the brain the limbic system which is in charge of adaptation and so in other words futility has to sink in it has to be felt at the heart level they'll use the heart here as an analogy back we are to the heart the heart is a metaphor of emotion the my heart is a metaphor of course of vulnerability and it is in the heart that adaptation lies now the thing about this is and what we first of all discovered about humans way back 100 years ago was that humans were very vulnerable creatures easily wounded and that the brain does not stand idly by when the vulnerability is too much to bear or if a child has been born too sensitive for the world he finds himself in defences are erected now we can take pictures of these we know that what happens is children can numb out their emotional filters in the living system that numb out the feelings soon we have children saying I'm ok are you ok I thought it was shot but I'm still standing take a drink of water and hope it goes away back I was there's filters in the brain that can numb vulnerable feelings so a child pretty soon is saying I don't care doesn't matter starts losing feelings of excitement enthusiasm responsibility remorse shame embarrassment and our children are losing their their their feelings and space and the first feelings to go are the feelings of utility inside the feelings of sadness and disappointment those feelings are absolutely essential for the adaptive process they are pivotal feelings in human adaptation and our children are losing them the deeper cut is when children can no longer see those things that would make them feel bad now children don't see rejection don't see that they're not invited into somebody's company they don't see trouble they don't see trouble coming and we're giving rise to many of these children as well these are children who are numbed out who are tuned out who are defended against the vulnerability of their existence we also know that the most common wounds that children experience are when they experience too much separation whether it's physical or psychological redirect rejection authorization not being wanted not being invited too much same feeling as if there's something wrong with them and of course any one of us if we felt too much fear too alarmed our brain could not withstand that and needs to defend against it most often these defenses are just situational but unfortunately those defenses can get stuck and the earlier these experiences the more these defenses a child becomes numbed out and tuned out when I worked first of all it first started my professional career in the prison system I was amazed I was amazed at the degree of defense against vulnerability some of these kids had 80% less feelings than normal kids had now we looked at their behavior we call them delinquents but what we didn't see is they were numbed out they were absolutely numbed out and that was where the problem was children are losing their feelings and when they lose their feelings of course they lose that place of adaptation we also know that the most common cause the most common cause of these wounds in our society now according to the research is peer interaction but our children have had never had more peer interaction than they're having today in fact we start sending them out at age two and at age three even despite the research that comings back because now we can actually measure stress for children now we actually have the cotton swabs that we can put on their saliva and find the cortisol levels going up and we find that when these children are outside the context of safe relationships when they're in the peer interaction their stress level they are getting wounded they're getting hurt and it's provoking defenses against that hurt that pure interaction is the most common source of wounding so this brings to the question how then do we keep our children safe how do we protect our hearts how do we protect the place from which they can feel the sadness and be moved easily to the sadness or disappointment about the things that do not work in their life how can we do this our science has also answered this question and I think we knew this intuitively the way we keep children safe is not through safe school programs is not true telling our children to be nice not being mean don't pick on each other they've done that for eons and will never be able to stop them there's only one way we can keep them safe there's more research on this probably than any other single factor and it's powerful research the thing which keeps a child safe which protects your heart is a strong emotional connection with a caring adult the research says that in many cases that caring adult can be a teacher it can be a grandma it can be an aunt one place in their life in which the child that person matters so much I am so glad misses a curb herb was that person to me because in my school there was Nick Jim and Butch I hope you're not here tonight and I got wounded I got hurt I can remember it it's not that mrs. a Kerber protected me from getting pushed in the ditch my lunch being taken away from me being put down being bullied that's not what she did it's because what she thought of me mattered more than what Jake would wouldn't would Nick thank you Jim and Butch thought of me that protected me from those wounds do you follow me here my mother had my heart mrs. eka Brook had my heart and therefore they could keep it in safekeeping it meant it didn't mean that I wasn't wounded it meant it meant that my brain didn't have to numb me out and tune me out and it meant that I could still find my sadness and my disappointment about the things that did not work that is the key issue a little story that goes along with that I had key noted for Canada's first national symposium on bullying giving a very different approach from this developmental approach that bullying is deeply deeply embedded in instinct and emotion and Vicki gabbro put-on was asked to put on a two-hour special a national program on bullying and there were a number of experts as well as three parents whose children had actually suicided as a result of being bullied and also a mother who was very much a lobbyist for Safe Schools and her her I think 11 year old daughter was her age the 11 year old daughter had a chance to be interviewed by Vicki gabbro and she spoke about house it was teased taunted at schools he came home everyday crying to her mother telling the stories of how she was gave quite a story about that bullying and and captured the hearts of the audience that were there Vicki Gabrielle came up to me during the break and said we were on first-name basis because of our CBC days and said Gordon I'm very concerned about this girl might not see be at risk for suicide as well my response was no Vicki she's safe she's safe oh she hurts she's wounded she cries sees sees sees but she's safe the stories of the children who had suicided they were an enigma to their parents they had attached to their peers what their peers thought of them mattered far more than what their parents were their parents were unable to shield them because those children had lost that shield they were unable to keep their hearts soft unable to keep them from wounds the mother and the mother was very noisy mother the mother despite all her lobbying this isn't what kept her daughter safe what kept her daughter safe is her daughter's relationship to her mother that's what kept her safe what her mother thought of her meant more than anybody else mother was her Homebase mother was her shield and it was the fact that that talent was there that meant that that she could have her sadness she could have her disappointment she would survives he would become resilient she would be able to deal with taunting and teasing because of this but this is how we keep children safe that message needs to be known in our society today because we are spending Lien's and starting to spend probably close to billions of dollars on trying to make children be nice to each other not be mean not pick on each other when we're neglecting the thing that is the most important thing of all we've got to we've got to be able to win their hearts we've got to make sure to cultivate the kind of relationship because unless we have their hearts we'll never be able to keep their hearts safe nor keep them soft we have to have their hearts before we can we can protect them let me go to the other part here the other part is a safe place to cry it's interesting very interesting that when futility sinks in for a young child when a child is moved comes up against something they cannot change mommy said no it's not changing well there's a limit there's a lack they're up against something that cannot be changed when it really sinks in for a young child when they get it and they're finally not fighting against the reality it sinks in there what happens is when the in the limbic system signals are sent to the lacrimal glands and the eyes water the eyes water and so tears have become a symbol of transformation they are a universal symbol of a deep change and when we're really up against the things we cannot change we can't hold on to our loved ones rejection death and so on the tears of course flow because as we as we up against that futility that's how we adapt that's how we become transformed it's quite transparent with children and now the research is coming in that children need to find their tears relatively much in their first five years of life that they're going to be adaptive by the time they go to school that they can't win everything the best at everything that they can't always get their own way but the point is is they have to have their tears about this so not only do they have to have access to soft enough heart but they need to be able to to find a place where they can feel their sadness well that too is a matter of attachment what creates a comforter is attachment we feel the safest to find our sadness in our tears with those to whom we are attached when I worked in the prison system of course with a whole population of kids who had lost their tears long ago and I'd often ask them if you if you did find your tears if you could find your sadness do you have any place in your life that would be safe to cry and most of them said no isn't there a graham someplace and and a big sister a mom someplace and many of them would say no there's no safe place to cry we need a safe place to cry I'll never forget Julian my grandson I would be grand sitting him from time to time h3 and h4 and of course I was needing to be responsible as an agent of utility have me to say no put up the wall that's that that's grandpa's job and so on and so on and I could see that he was quite moved but not to tears it would be right and you just be holding it inside of him now he was very attached to me but not attached to me enough to feel safe to cry his mummy would come back my daughter Tasha she would come back to collect him and he would just make a beeline for her rubriz so mean to me and then burst into tears my heart would go out to him and I was so glad for him because he had a safe place to cry only one but that's all we need is very much like his grandpa only one but it's all I need but we need we need that place to find our sadness to find our tears we seem to have lost this wisdom in our society we have become tearful dick we no longer know that sadness and disappointment are the keenest emotions the most important part for this young new this Carl young when asked what is a single most important emotion that is required to realize our potential as fully adaptive creatures or some words like that and he said without a doubt it's keen disappointment we need to have soft hearts we need to get to help our children have soft hearts in the end and given the room make it safe in the absence of these things go back to the scene of the action here what must it be delivered to the encounter with futility here rather is a child with a soft heart and a place to cry there we get adaptation but if these things are missing if these things are not there it doesn't matter how perfect we are in giving this this it doesn't matter of confronting with this it doesn't matter how whether we've mastered the science of giving or the art of giving consequences or withdrawing sanctions these are ways that we push things we push the futility of the course of action into their face the fact is is that we may do our part perfectly but the bitter pill of utility can be one child's medicine and another child's poison depending upon what they bring to them with the equation if a child cannot access his sadness that consequence instead of bringing a child to adapt and learn his lesson at a deep way that withdrawal of a privilege that sanction instead of being able to to lead to a deep sense of resilience and bring that child to accept something they needed to accept instead of that it will actually make them mad it will increase their frustration it will elevate that frustration aggression is rooted in frustration and when frustration doesn't turn to sadness it leaves a child mad instead and this aggression can can build up and can take many for self attack I'm so stupid I hate myself attacking others emotionally you know I hate you physical attack vicarious violence and all of these things are increasing among children today why it's not because we're doing things differently there's always been all kinds of things that children are up against that they cannot change but they have to have their sadness to become truly adaptive realize their developmental destiny otherwise they could stuck and mad and our children are getting stuck and mad it makes them want to hit it makes them want to strike it makes them want to smash something and then their language becomes mad their their their music becomes mad their games are full of attacking energy why our children have lost their tears our children have lost the softness that moves them easily to feel the sadness about what doesn't work our children have lost the place to cry this is a matter of relationship not how we do this this is a matter of relationship and what happens is our favorite treatment for aggression what's our favorite treatment for aggression what do we do we put them into their face more futility see what I can do to you that you can you get change see what I can take away from you see now I'm not going to let you not you know I withdraw the invitation to exist in my presence until you say pop we push into their face more futility that's her favorite treatment which gets what more aggression we have a vicious cycle going on we're tripping over our own children again are we doing anything differently than our forefathers I don't believe so but culture had a certain wisdom embedded in it that children needed to find their sadness we have lost that we've gone to the head now we think it's logical if we explain to them if we reason with them yo if we could only do this if we give a consequence then we can teach them a lesson ah again the child who is able to find as sadness confront confrontation with futility will be their medicine the child who cannot find their sadness the confrontation with futility will be their poison it will lead to aggression the very very same action well I have one more scenario that I want to quickly go over because I have other things that I like you want some answers to hear fit for you probably right probably you want some answers so we'll get we'll get to some answers one more very quickly though here one more scenario and this is this is that we request that children consider each other be nice not be mean don't pick on each other now we've always done this and we're only responsible doing this especially in our home in our house to be able to keep these things places safe this is what is required but we're requesting probably consideration more so these days because we're putting children into situations which in which they can hurt each other and because they can hurt each other because it's more common now for children to be in social scenes with each other before they're really prepared to be so that we are now so full of requests no don't be mean don't hurt another please respect and be nice don't pick on and so on now again the very same thing is but I won't belabor it as much depending upon what the child brings with them we could get either caring or bullying behavior get some things in between to here but this is just to illustrate what must we what is required what must come with the child for consideration to be the result two things first of all a caring spirit a child must be instinctively moved to care you don't have to teach this you can never teach a child to care you can teach a child how to care but you can teach a child to care this is part of our human instinct and emotion the other thing is is a tempered mind let me go back first of all to the caring spirit then I'll explain by what I mean also by a tempered mind a caring spirit is the fruit of a relationship in a number of ways first of all to care about or the care for is to be attached that is it is a synonym of attachment to be attached to be attached to an outcome of an exam is to care about that the care is to be attached to care is part of the repertoire of attachment and so when a child can attach easily to things to people at all comes to care for those care about dolls care about puppy you have find this great caring spirit so a child must that must be open to attachment for this to occur secondly it's only when a child feels taken care of that they are generous in their response to others to be moved likewise to take care of otherwise when children don't feel taken care of and bullies don't feel taken care of they use the social situations to take matters into their own hands the bully is about taking care of their own needs to take care of themselves and that always happens at the expense of others at the expense of other children and that's what is so odious about that and so again if we want to have children who are generous and they're caring it means that they need to have a place where they feel very taken care of themselves thirdly to care is a very vulnerable experience because it sets you up for getting hurt and so to care is a result of having a soft heart the Care Bears got that right you have to have a soft heart ah do you have a soft heart well soft heart is one who is shielded in a safe attachment with an adult some place that child is attached so their heart can stay soft enough to be moved to care and so it is a product it is a product of relationship that that the child comes with there's much that could be said about this I I do developmental routes of social responsibility for educators and there's many many nuances to this but we must remember first and foremost that it's not something you can get from the outside it is something that has to come from the inside and that is a product of relationship there's one more thing to this if the child has to be as we said have a tempered mind what does this mean a tempered mind well a tempered mind means that a child can both can have double feelings mixed feelings feel both this and that at the same time something three and four-year-olds have great difficulty with you don't hear them very often say on the other hand I feel rather ambivalent about this I'm pulled in two directions I have second thoughts in fact you'll know some adults in your life who have never said those words they don't experience them they are very very important it's when our feelings mix and we have double thoughts I can feel both my sense of wanting to belong and yet to be my own person I can feel both my frustration and my caring simultaneously that we get tempered behavior and tempered experience this is a result of the tempered mind this is very natural development in the brain there's a mixing bowl called the prefrontal cortex it doesn't even get wired up for action until about five years of age that's why kids before that can't do that but it has to be practiced to grow and you have to have very vulnerable feelings for the feelings to mix and so we now know that the limbic system is in charge of brain development and a relationship is what generates the kinds of warm feelings that allow for the brain to develop fully that we have to have open feelings warm feelings and that caring mixes with all kinds of things to produce true caring and considerate behavior it's a function of attachment even a brains a rat's brain grows better in the context of attachment to the rat mother it is all part of the development the prefrontal cortex these are things that cannot be taught these are things that a child cannot learn caring and consideration are the fruit of relationship relationship matters now I'm going to move on I'm going to move on from here the opposite of course is first of all just very quickly is when these when these elements are missing what happens as children are put into a situation in which their instincts are very different if the child has a strong alpha complex to be able to to be the top the last word to dominate to take charge to give the orders but they are defended against caring that should evoke because when you're alpha it is to care for someone to take care of and so if the child is defended against feelings of caring and responsibility out of their mouth comes I don't care doesn't matter whatever and they never say I'm sorry so if you've got an alpha complex but defended against the the feelings that is meant to do to become a mother hand to take care of of another it leads to the bully instead now the bully has instincts to exploit vulnerability and take advantage of the weak the very opposite of a caring considerate child and bullying is on the rise in our society it's not only Nick gem and butch anymore in fact the research says that the majority of children will identify with the bully instead of the victim meaning that the dynamics inside of them that means not only is the alpha complex on the rise and our children but also on the rise as a chorus of I don't care doesn't matter whatever when you get the hardening of hearts and you get a movement into the alpha complex you've got the making of a bully and you can't unmake him by saying stop the more consequences you throw at the bully that is the more we use what the bully cares about against them it provokes further instincts to not care which means we've got further problems with bullying there is no behavioral approach that can work for it no withdrawal of sanctions that can work because they harden whatever doesn't soften the heart hardens it further the only answer is relationship only in relationship can we soften hearts only in relationship can we give them a sense of being taken care of only in relationship can we restore hierarchy can we restore caring and considerate we need to melt their hearts now let me move on to summarize this part of it a child attachments with adults responsible provides the context for raising children we need to bring this into our consciousness it needs to become the first principle of parenting and teaching it's what every parent as I said ought to know what every teacher ought to know now I've talked about why attachments are important why relationships are important why relationships matter now I'd like to turn to matters of relationship issues of relationship I'd like to organize that material very briefly and I'll go through it the first a little bit more and then touch on the others are the three r's of raising children by three r's of raising children i mean the core curriculum so to speak not all the things that we're doing to embellish are actions of confronting with utility of dry of demanding consideration not the things that we're doing in terms of trying to arrange the best educational opportunity give headstart with helping children realize their talents all of those kinds of things what are the basics what are the basics what is the core curriculum of raising children what is it that that we should becoming conscious of the first relationship of course is this they're all relationship but here I want to talk briefly about how relationship develops what it looks like what does it look like when a child has a healthy relationship with an adult what does it look like the second concept is rest rest this is extremely important from a developmental point of view all growth emanates from a place of rest we want our children to truly grow up to become their own persons then they need rest and relationship is the only place where they can possibly find rest what does it mean to rest in relationship and finally room the room to become their own persons which only has a context again in relationship let me go to the first how does relationship develop this is this particular diagram in this particular idea is is very foundational to all the work that I do in attachment and teaching if you've heard me before you've heard me talk on this I actually gave two I actually had the opportunity to be able to present this theory to an international Congress in Frankfurt on the six stages of attachment and I was thrilled to be have given the opportunity what I'd like to have is just a whole week with you to talk about this there is so much that could do I I set out by trying to view to look at all the attachment theories that existed the science of relationship to find out all the different ways there were of attaching and to my surprise when I got them all it they ended up to be sequential and so I loved that my case studies of orphanage kits of adopted kits and so on who had moved lately into attachment and certain and it made sense and I hope it makes sense for you this evening as I quite quickly unfold it this is a plant analogy a plant attached to through its roots what we're familiar with is what is on top of the soil but as any gardener knows there's at least as much that is underneath the soil and that what's underneath the soil is by far the most important part of the process because that's where you get the nurturance to be able to grow and so this is a plant the green the potential of growth and of course the first root which is the attaching through the census the simplest the basic the most profound that we want to be with those to whom were attached you kind of sat next to them if you could if you could maybe you didn't and you wished you would but we gravitate towards those that we are attached to we want to be in sight and smell and hearing in touch and all the things that they that means it a marriage is an attachment that is its to people hopefully that want to be with each other if not well we won't go there but this is just the beginning this is just the beginning by the second year of life if all goes well and the child is experiencing a little bit more separation from mom and dad now and now the energy when he can't be with moves to being like now the child wants to emulate imitate take the same form as talk like sometimes it's embarrassing act like dress like this is where they take on the same form you don't have to stamp their form on the child the child automatically takes on that form that's how they learn language that's even how the cockatiel does that's even how the parrot does how other animals do it's all through this process of emulation image connection and so if there is an attachment problem there's a language acquisition problem now this is so simple and yet this this key is not even doesn't even enter into the consciousness of our literacy programs at school let me just give you an example about 15 years ago some research came out that said two-year-olds had hot spots in their brain for language acquisition and a bunch of people at least a bunch of people went out getting making cue cards and a led to the dough man method and getting super babies and oh in Canada we thought well maybe that's when we can do the French bit and so on and all when in terms of trying to enhance this language acquisition then they had trouble reproducing this research and then someone had the idea that they would investigate these studies they found out that in the first study which showed these powerful results the children were sitting on their mothers knee when the pictures of their brain was taken in the other studies they were sitting on the research assistants knee relationship matters right his kids didn't have hot spots for language acquisition they had hot spots for their mother now everybody knows this intuitively you all know that the best way to learn a foreign language is to have a hot spot for your foreign language instructor you knew that it's not the method its relationship you see how simple it is it's all that way we all know this you know in the research the big question was is what therapeutic method works best now this argument is here again and they forgot they have already done all of this there was this huge research in the 60s and 70s which which method works best they reviewed them all they decided it wasn't about that at all it was about the relationship of the client to the therapist that's what made the difference we all know that intuitively we know it with the teacher we wait with bated breath in the first two weeks of school for our kids not to find out how many PhDs the teacher has what the pedagogical style is and method what their discipline method is ah there's only one thing important does gordy like his teacher and things the teacher likes him that is a single most important factor in it again relationship matters relationship matters and this is relationship relationship is wanting to be with relationship is wanting to be like and it moves on by by the third year of life it should unfold so that a child now the way to keep mommy close is you possessor don't let anything come between there's jealousy and there's possessiveness and if he talks on the phone you make of it you know you make a scene and so on and like a cat sitting on the newspaper you possess the person that you're attached to well that's a little bit difficult with that's when they get like velcro on you but the good news is is that on the heels of it also come instincts of loyalty to agree with and that's very handy to take the same side ass to make things work for you and those deep instincts of loyalty to serve and obey at the second level of attachment the two-year old there's not a single bone in their body that occurs to them to do your bidding that's why we call it the terrible twos but by third year of life this should be there and if it isn't we don't have the context to deal with children it's a matter of relationship if it's very difficult for children to attach for whatever reason they don't get to this far we have great difficulties because there is no instinct in them to do your bidding to agree with you to be on the same side as you and that's dreadful trying to work with a child like this do you know how many children do not feel as if they belong to their parents or their teachers I didn't belong to my grade two teacher she didn't have my loyalty my grade one teacher did it's a matter of relationship but it goes further attachment is very vulnerable business so you have to have a soft heart it has to open up by the fourth year of life it should occur to a child that mommy and daddy hold close that which they hold dear and so the four-year-old wants to become dear to be significant to matter to they loved stories in which they are told of how special they are our mum and dad could hardly wait till they were born they eat those stories up the two-year-old just sits on your knee that's all it's you know the four-year-old wants to know that they matter that they're important that they're significant this is a sense of significance but when you want to matter to somebody you can get deeply hurt by any sign that you don't matter to them this is a this is deeper now but this relationship goes it's it's it now the child can glean more nurturance but then comes then comes a really good part if everything is going well at this place then by five years of age of everything unfolds some earlier some later it fortunately it's never too late I've seen this happen at fifty and sixty years of age is that ever everything goes well and it's safe enough the limbic system gets fully involved and the child gives his heart away if he is attached to his kitty he now loves his kitty he's attached to his grandma he loves grandma hearts are on his cards hearts are everywhere he's given his heart away this word we call love in many many ways and if this all unfolds and the child doesn't get hurt too much and can withstand the vulnerability involved then the sixth stage involves sharing what is in your heart with others this is called psychological intimacy now we feel close to those who know us best we share our secrets to who listen and understand this is relationship the more parts of attachment are there the healthier the relationship for marriage for friendship but especially for parents and for teachers if I didn't have the hearts of my children and my grandchildren I wouldn't be able to be the father a grandfather I wanted to be it doesn't matter that I taught parent-child relations here at UBC for many years it doesn't matter that I may be considered the leading articulator the developmental approach in Canada it matters not to Sanae - Kiara into Julianne do you follow me none of that matters what matters is their relationship to me is what gives me the context what gives me what is required to be able to do this that is why it's so important the full attachment but we need to make it easy for them they will spontaneously fall into attachment when their hearts are soft enough and we make it safe enough and it's easy enough but that's our challenge is to move deeply into attachment and if we do that part if we do that part then we can provide the second part and the second part is rest children need to rest in a relationship all growth emanates from a place of rest physical growth emanates from a place of rest psychological growth emanates from arrest well what do we mean rest while we now know that our work as humans is the work of closeness of contact of attachment that's our work and so the default setting is to make relationships work to try to hold on to mommy and daddy to try to preserve the connection to peers and so on for that to be released for a child to be released to move on to becoming their own person for that to be there somebody has to take responsibility children must never work for our love they must rest in act but unless the relationship is there they cannot rest in it we have gone to a practice of parenting and teaching that makes them work for the contact and closeness that puts them in charge of the relationship I can't be your friend if you're going to be like that off to your room I withdraw the invitation to exist in my presence until you come into line and we make them work at keeping us close well we might get more compliance but we get a deeply Restless child and we're giving rise to a whole generation of children who are Restless to the core they do not rest our yearning as parents and teachers are yearning as grandparents are yearning as uncles and aunts we're for our nephews and nieces whatever it is but as parents is our yearning should be is to give them rest because when we can give them rest when they can rest from working at keeping us close when we take that alpha position and we say I am the one who is going to make sure that nothing honey nothing can separate you from my love you can rest in it when we do this when we will don't withdrawal withdraw our affection or our invitation to exist in our presence when there is a problem when they when they are at rest their developmental destiny will unfold their growth will become spontaneous and automatic I always know when I see a child who is truly growing up becoming mature adaptive the emergent an integrative being I know that somewhere in their life someone an adult as is being able someone the child is attached to deeply and vulnerably has been able to give them rest has been able to to provide them what they need rest is absolutely essential one of ways of giving a child rest is to make sure that we provide more than or what is they need you hear sometimes people say well don't pay any attention to him you know all he wants is attention what is that what else is there to want and if we see a child who wants attention why wouldn't we give it to them why wouldn't we meet these basic needs of affection of attention of mattering of significance the fact is as we must provide more those of you have heard me speak or read in the book I shared this example of Tamera my oldest now I think she's 37 she's here I won't ask her she she's 7 years of age she was bright then she still is and we had this little interchange this little I love you thing she said to me daddy I love you had that question mark in the back it's meant again and I love you too it's like a little hook you know fish and you send it back with it you know so I said I love you too and then there there was this moment of pregnant silence and she says to me in childish wisdom daddy if you really loved me he would have said it first the males here will recognize this as female logic but it's true it's true now it didn't mean I had to say it first but it meant that she was in charge do you see that she was in charge I needed to seize the lead or Tamara I've got I had to have a bigger I love you or I had something I had to trump it had to be trumped you always have to give more for there to be relaxation that person comes and asks you for a hug here's a hug no I need a hug here's a hug ah doesn't work why how do you release a hug you have to hug harder that's always the way it is the role of the parent is to give more than what is pursued that is the only way a child can rest the only way and if we can give rest then our next challenge is to give rule if the relationship is there we can give the rest we can we can find a way of providing for this child and there will be growth there will be growth and our next challenge is to make room for budding individuality for a child to become his own person now nature takes care of this themselves and I'll just illustrate this very very quickly here before we go to the final portion of tonight but just very very quickly nature will take care of this as a child needs to be able to be more mobile not be close to mom and dad anymore the the answer to that of course isn't being liked but likeness is awfully crippling to to individuality to have to be like to imitate to take on the same form as your parents where is the room for being for being different well nature's answer to this is in belonging and loyalty but there's another part a problem with loyalty is you have to agree with your parents all the time take the same side as all the time but that is rather confining but don't you worry move to a deeper level if you matter to now you've got room for differences do you follow me now you've got room for this you don't have to be with each other all the time you don't have to be like each other all the time in other words the answer is not less attachment the answer is more it's not less oh but what there's always times when you're not the most important you're not the most significant don't you worry if you're connected at the hearts you'll still feel the connection even though you may not be the most important all the time and sometimes sometimes even the best in relationships and marriage we may lose the feelings of love and affection for each other but if we can experience a deep knowledge of deep companionship and knowing of each other we have an intimacy that is not threatened the more ways we have of holding on the less we're threatened by what doesn't work the answer is always more attachment not less this answers that big question that we've got wrong in our society well don't children have to separate from their parents sometime don't they have to become their own person so they have to detach don't they have to separate another to grow up know that deeper they attach parenting is forever for good or for bad the deeper the attachment the more room for individuality and when you get to the last part both are one and synonymous when you can express that which exists in you is the ultimate expression of individuality and of intimacy simultaneously it is met there is no difference there in terms of the closeness you can be both close and be yourself at the same time let me move on the last the last part of this I want to talk about three rituals of relationship is that your time your bladders at 15 minutes you'll be okay rituals of relationship I'll just take a brief sip our culture has had rituals of relationship ways of doing things in which there are no words rituals there's not words for it's been embedded in our society ways of building the things that a Liturgy of relationship if you like ways that cultivate relationship as culture eros we are losing these rituals they're becoming extinct at least in relationship to children there's three of these I talk about them again in the writing hold on to your kids and in most of the material they will be there but I need to share these with you as I think that they're the most important one they're disappearing we not we need to bring them into consciousness the first is collecting we need to collect the children in our care I couldn't find a word for this this process it didn't exist in the English language the one I wanted and so I had to just kind of borrow a word to collect what do I mean here there's a process by which we enact or activate a relationship with a child a process by which we we we cultivate a relationship and you could see that's most clearly within with infants it's very very simple it's been studied under the term courtship rituals but when we think of courtship of course we think of collecting a mate and and this is far more basic far more broad than this and I'll just illustrate it very briefly let's say we need to take care of an infant well when we get into a working distance with them the first thing that we're going to do is try to collect their eyes now it's kind of interesting with infants to collect their eyes sometimes they're going all over the place and so so do we now to intercept then being able to get their eyes and you try to do this that's not very dignified with an older child and so there's a way of doing this as you look at what there ending - you make a few comments on that whatever they are this that the other thing and then you intercept but you'll notice it's much different when you collect rather than your demand many parents and teachers today a very bad attachment manners they say look at me listen to me they demand attention they say they you know they they try to do this rather than collect we're meant to collect this part we don't we don't we we have to collect their eyes and that's the first part we do now the infant can hold us at bay with their eyes don't you come a step closer I'm going to cry they're the eyes are incredible they give the most very basic invitation out even a baby an infant will either invite you into her presence or keep you at bay that's phenomenal that's instinctive in all of us that's the fundamental invitation now we need to get that invitation to come close so what do we do we got to get those eyes to smile what would he do to get them to smile well if nobody's looking what don't we do to get them to smile smiles beget smiles and so we work at that and then most of us have a great repertoire that we can pull out to get the smile to feel so good when we can get that baby to smile so we've got that invitation now for good measure if the child's a bit older we're going to try and go for a nod nods a very good symbol that somebody's already green with us and so nods beget nods and then when they're older yet we ask them a name questions like who do you really like that color is that what you're doing and use etc and oh it's really cold outside and you know something like this but we got to get a nod now what I've described to you is the essence of the greeting ritual when you met somebody here today when you came that you knew you try to get their eyes smile and a nod well look at our thumb rhododendrons pretty outside no not you notice things like that right that's what you were doing this is the essence of a greeting ritual in every culture the greeting ritual is the basic ritual of relationship it builds it it activates one is there it makes it active is that relationship we start with infants we need to collect our children you get in a child's space or face in a friendly way you collect the eyes to smile and then not now when you try to do that today and that say somebody didn't give you their eyes or if you got their eyes you didn't get a smile and you didn't get the nod the first thing that occurs to you is what's wrong or move on but what's wrong in other words the first thing you do is you go into assessment and the first thing you look at is is there anything wrong in the relationship when was the last time we met did I say something wrong that I hurt the person's feelings do you follow me like if we move to collect our children and we found our teens if we moved our 7 year olds and our 9 year olds if we did this this is we know we do this with friends we do its with adults we've lost the ritual of doing this with our children if we did this with our children we would know intuitively that there was something wrong if you cannot collect the eyes the smile no nod of your teenager you've got a relationship problem on your hands and if you've got a relationship problem on your hands confronting with utility is going to get aggression direction is going to get resistance do you follow now it all fits together you got a glimpse of the big picture the relationship must be there so you must collect now here's another little tip for you you can work if your spouses aren't here practices with your spouse's just a little tip for you to give you something to take home a little mantra before you say honey would you set the table or put the dishes away or do this get their eyes smile and a nod get them nodding first and then put in your request collect before you direct that don't do don't follow every collection with direction or else the child is going to smell that something is up but but unless we collect we don't activate the instincts to want to be good for us to be able to keep us close to measure up to our expectations even if a child isn't good relationship especially with the child that doesn't have mixed feelings yet any preschooler and any immature child you need to be able to collect them before you work with them that's the place you work you bring them on side with a good intention the first one was to get in the child's face or space in a friendly way collect the eyes a smile no not the second one there's a part where we take our position as nurturer we invite the child to feed at our table we say I am your answer but it's also a test with the infant we try to get our finger into this little palm of the hand right over here and and what we're looking for is that little hand to close over our finger now that's one of about 35 attachment instincts that a child is born with what we're actually doing is we're testing to see is that child mine yet is it workable we're testing to see if the child is holding us close but we provide something of our own in this case a touch of proximity for the child to hold on to if the child isn't ready the hand hyperextends and we got to go back to first base trying to be able to get the eyes to smile nor nod but you can't do this with everybody although we try with a handshake and and you know in a married couple you put your hand and see if there's a response and if there's not not tonight it's not going to work and there's various ways that we do this is a little bit of a test you see that we find out if the attachment is working if it there there's a response to it and so on and so it's two things one we're taking the initiative in terms of their relationship to it's a bit of a test to see if the child is ours now now touch is only one of five different senses we can touch with the eyes the warmth of our voice the twinkle in her eye we can touch a week but we can do much more than that we can also move to to say where a lot of like work the sameness direction to being alike me too we can work with significance being able to give a sign that one matters that is important a sign of affection a sign of liking there are so many different ways when you understand relationship in all the stages that we can give this touch of proximity we can give this wonderful touch of proximity to hold on to both as a test to see if the child holds on to it their child is ours also as a way of cultivating and building a relationship the researchers say that there are three three interactions that are more powerful than any other in cultivating relationship there are interactions characterized by delight by warmth and by enjoyment I like to think of it as basically giving the invitation to exist in our presence the most significant invitation we could ever give to another human being that invitations should be given generously liberally frequently to our children they need to know that they are invited to exist in our presence that is the most fundamental invitation we can give and then we can get on to the part where we invite the child to depend our arms to the infant go out and if they are ready their arms come out and they're old enough to receive and here we take the position of the Alpha role you can lean on me I will take care of you your problems are my problems I will be your answer right now and that is that invitation that invites them to depend now shouldn't we be concerned about independence mean suddently after all of their toddlers or preschoolers or adolescents shouldn't we be saying to them that don't expect me to do anything for you that you could or should do for yourself if we give independence an inch won't it I mean dependence an inch won't to take a mile the opposite is true there's no way research shows that we can push independence we can't push independence that's what nature does we our job is to invite dependence especially in matters of relationship the research shows very concretely that the parents who say to their two-year-olds you can walk on your own two feet now don't expect me to pick you up have two year olds that are preoccupied with being picked up and the parents who say come here I miss picking you up let me carry you have toddlers who are preoccupied with walking on their own two feet such as life now I'm going to very quickly go over two more in just a couple of minutes with these because I want to touch on them they're absolutely essential the second attachment ritual is what I call bridging bridging what could divide it is it is it is to the greeting it is what we would call the goodbye ritual except in English it doesn't translate very well to bridge what could divide us when when you are separating from your loved one when not separating separating I mean when you have when you're going away someplace when distance would come between you when you can't be with after after a hug a closeness a ritual of closeness your immediate response is to bridge whatever would come between so you say I'll call you from the airport when I get to this place I will give you know it will be three whatever to a little kid you know three sleeps and will be and whatever it is you always put the focus on the return the whole issue how do you preserve relationship you bridge whatever would come between you always put the focus on the return now we do this with little kids in terms of but we forget that's the most important thing at bedtime when they enter into separation you put the focus on and in the morning we'll be doing this when they go to school and then I'll pick you up and we'll be doing this we will be doing this all the way along just like we do in our adult relationships we bridge what would come divided but the most important thing that divides us is troubling behavior problem behavior I get asked over and over again well what do you say to a child uh misbehaves the most important thing you can do if you throw in the infraction flag and you say this isn't good that's not what I asked for I you know you know that's against the rules the next thing you must do is you must bridge it we're still okay I'll still your dad I'm looking forward to watching that hockey game with you tonight I've got this plan for you after and you so that you can bridge the relationship goes on and if you show the relationship goes on you've said this isn't a relationship issue this is just a behavior issue but it's not enough to say to a child well mommy loves you anyway it doesn't work you've got to be able to focus on the return you got to be able to bridge the divide if you're a teacher and you have to send a child out of class you put the focus on the return I'm still your teacher we'll okay I've got this thing planned for you when you get back and we'll do this and you put the focus and it says we've survived in French this au revoir in German is auf wiedersehen and an Old English wit was God be with you until we meet again always the focus on the return this is the way we preserve relationship and the final ritual the final ritual is matchmaking in society we've lost that art matchmaking introductions attachments are met to beget attachments we're my grade one teacher failed me and I Haven have a hard time saying anything negative about her I'm still so loyal where she failed me is he did not introduce me to my grade 2 teacher she did not match makes he did not endear me to today we have the responsibility when we give rise when we give birth to children to also give rise to the attachments that they require to be raised in we need to we need to matchmake introduce them to their kindergarten teacher to the preschool teacher we need to do the matchmaking when we do this we create the village of attachment that is required today's parents and teachers are not endearing children to those who are responsible for them and those are responsible to their children are not introducing these are two ancient rituals in society this is what builds villages these are the rituals of attachment again we're losing we're losing consciousness of these we wouldn't even have to talk about these things if culture was working well but culture is not working well and therefore the things that we're doing that are no different than our parents and grandparents are not working as well either now we need to we need to bring these into consciousness we need to find out what is the essence of them we need to collect our children we need to bridge whatever would divide and we need to be able to do to matchmake them to those who are responsible for them the final thought then the keys to raising children then if we were to summarize these and to do two into the into its simplest its simplest elements the keys to raising children are right relationships by right relationships I mean deep relationships safe relationships deep emotional connections but also in a dependent mode to those who are responsible for them right relationships and soft hearts when children are not in right relationship they don't have soft hearts and when they don't have soft parts they don't fall into right relationship or develop right relationship these two things in intuitive terms are the most important aspects in terms of parenting all our words and all our consciousness has gone in in our society today to how to parent how to teach in fact there's even pedagogy has been the art and science of teaching now there is a science or they're not really a science called parent ology which has become the equivalent of it but the focus is on the act the focus is on what to do rather than the relationship that the relationship matters most the good thing about relationship is it's never too late the good thing about relationship is when it's there for better for worse it goes on forever but the relationship again is what we need to put words to what we need to bring into consciousness as I said in the beginning I suspect that I have not shared with you anything that you do not already know at least know intuitively but I hope that I've been able to give you some words that my words have been able to paint a picture of being able to get a glimpse of the picture we understand what our challenge is today to be able to counteract the loss of culture by bringing into consciousness the fact that relationship matters and matters of relationship it is my hope that as we open our eyes to write it that which is right underneath our noses that our natural intuition as parents and teachers can be restored thank you so much for inviting me by your presence and for giving me a chance to speak on this day thank you you

Channel: neufeldmedia

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Keywords: neufeld, attachment, parenting, developmental, psychology, preschoolers, adolescence, teenager, bullies, Gordon Neufeld, attachment parenting, developmental psychology, children, growing up, youths, aggression, bullying, discipline, relationships, parent-child relationships

Id: il0pTMHk6Qg

Length: 121min 31sec (7291 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 04 2021