(upbeat funky music) - Nothing. I can't do that, never. I shaved my mustache one time. I discovered something. The distance between the top of my lip and the tip of my nose is fo' feet. (audience laughs) I shaved that off, this (beep)
look like a sheet of plywood. (audience laughs) That (beep) can't happen again, man. (beep) I ain't got no hair as it is, man. Take this off. (upbeat funky music continues) "The winner is", what he say? (audience murmurs) "Moonlight", or "La La Land". And (beep) was "Moonlight"?
(audience laughs) You see that look on Warren Beatty face? (audience laughing)
That (beep) cracked! (audience laughs and applauds) You ain't even seen Warren Beatty no more. He done went into depression, he don't do no public interviews. I told him (beep), call me! (audience laughs) I coulda got Warren Beatty
through this (beep). Get yo' head up (beep),
it's just a mistake. It was the greatest moment of my life. I was watching the Oscars. Two years I been hearin' that (beep), "How could he, stupidest mistake ever. "His career's over, he's an (beep)hole. "He'll never work in this town again." Yeah, "And the winner is "Moonlight". (audience laughs) I looked at that T.V.,
I said, "Aw, hell yeah!" (audience laughs and applauds) Poured me a glass of Scotch
and lit a cigar in my house! Marjorie came in there, "Why
are you smokin' in the house?" (beep) that, they just said the... They gave the wrong (beep)! (audience laughs and cheers) (upbeat funky music continues) You know your kids, man, when you famous, your kids, I'm just their dad. They been with me their whole
life, I'm just their dad. We're sittin' around a
couple years ago talkin', My son's callin' me go, "Dad! "Do you know Kevin Hart?" (audience laughs) (beep) What? (audience laughs) (beep) Do Kevin know me is the question! (audience laughs) (beep) 'bout no, "Do you know Kevin Hart?" The (beep)! (funky music continues) 49. 49th. I was 49, I was about to turn 50 in January. I was turnin', I was 49,
it was Christmas Eve. I just decided I got
tired of gettin' haircuts. Got tired of puttin'
that razor on my head. Got tired of livin' up to
that (beep) perfect cut. (audience laughs) I got tired (beep). I had to get four hair cuts a week to have that (beep) look scissor cut. An hour ten minutes, four times a week. I got tired that (beep). I went to Sally's Beauty
Supply in Atlanta, walked in, the lady said, "Oh my God, Steve Harvey!" Ain't got time for this (beep). (audience laughs) Bought a pair of Wahl Balding Clippers. Christmas Eve, my family was out shoppin'. Plugged it up in the mirror, cut it on. Ran a part down the middle of my head. Once you put a part in the
middle of your head (claps), there ain't no comin' back from that. (audience laughs) Black dudes can't do comb overs, so. (audience laughs) That was it, man, I just
said I wasn't gon... be a slave to that hair cut no more. My wife came back home that evenin' and I was just standin' in the mirror just lookin' at myself, man. She walked into the bathroom
to walk right past me. I said, "You not gon' say nothin'?" She, "I'm sorry baby, "just let me use the
bathroom right quick." So she went into her toilet area, came out the door, looked
at me and started screamin'. (audience laughs) My in-laws was in town. My father-in-law thought
I was kicking her (beep). (audience laughs) He come in there with a stick in his hand. He looked at me, he start laughin'. (audience laughs) "Boy, (beep) you cut your hair off for?" (audience laughs)
(upbeat music continues) Right there. If you have to ask that question, (audience laughs)
you already know better. Yeah, your (beep) is too old. (audience laughs) 'Cause when you young, you know it ain't even a question for you. You just go do dumb (beep). If you're old, and you go, "How old is too old
for a one night stand?" when you start asking that question, your (beep) is too old. (audience laughs) You can do it, your gonna regret it. You're gonna be kickin' yourself. (upbeat funky music)
