[rant] life update - life is good and i feel guilty (the youtube dilemma) | #grindreel

i'm just going to kind of give you guys a life update since you seem to appreciate those i've been in this house for a little bit over a week now and everything is great but that same feeling has come with a sense of guilt and skepticism like life is good but it feels really wrong that it is like i shouldn't be here or i've accidentally gotten here somehow and i'm just constantly waiting for something to go wrong because why wouldn't something go wrong there have only been a handful of times throughout my entire life where i've that quietly and thought to myself life is really good right now and i'm really happy and every time i ever had those thoughts the rug was pulled from underneath me it's that sense of when is it when is it going to go wrong what's going to go wrong this can't happen nothing good ever happens like i know that you guys see the videos and you see that i'm like always playing the victim and i wish these stories were not true i don't want to be that i want everything to go right and i i do my best to make things go that way and to treat other people well and be a good person but i've been burned too many times doing that and i've believe me i've learned my lesson now so this is the first time in a long time that i've just had a sustained sense of there's nothing really wrong right now i have friends moving from out of state into this state close by all the neighbors around here are pretty cool i have hr lady and her family and they're all pretty cool and my life right now kind of feels like the show friends you know everybody's close by you can kind of walk across the street and go meet them you can go in their house whenever you know just kind of open up come in and they treat you like family my brain instantly jumps to well it's a tv show josh and tv shows aren't real snap back to reality none of this will last i'm just so paranoid about all of this being swept out from underneath me and i'm constantly wondering when is all this going to go to when is it going to hit the fan when will i wake up out of this dream and obviously i know i shouldn't think that and everyone around me that i'm telling this to hr lady her family and my friends or whatever you know they always say josh you don't have anything to worry about you know we're your family now to be honest i don't really feel like i deserve to be in the position that i'm in i'll give you an example of what i mean like this house that i'm in right now it feels like i'm in a hotel it doesn't feel like it belongs to me i feel like i'm in an airbnb and i'm just waiting to get kicked out or the calendar notification on my phone to pop up and say well please arrive at the airport and you have to go back to real life or whatever reality is for you josh it can't be good like this because that's not life that's i guess that's just how my brain has been programmed so long and i'm really trying not to allow my past experience is to color my future experiences and i know i've done that with corporate but also it's fun for me to do that but in terms of my personal life and how i deal with people and the people i choose to hang out with now i'm really trying to make an effort of not being so jaded when people come to the door and they knock on the door like the neighbors did the other day and then i answered the door it almost feels like embarrassing because i don't feel like i deserve this house it feels like i'm watching my parents house and they're gone on vacation or something it feels like they kind of give me that look like you own this no wait you're just a kid and then i'm and i'm like yeah yeah i own it you know like it's hard for me to have that sense of pride like i worked for this i earned this and i don't know what it is but that's that's just what it's been like for me i've never really owned anything new before i've never owned a brand new car before i don't buy the brand name stuff at the store i buy used if i can i buy off brand if i can there's only a few certain things in life that i will splurge on generally i don't i don't buy new i try not to do that try to save my money and kind of live low key and you're probably thinking well you see that monitor look at all look at this house look at all this stuff that's um and it takes a lot for me to be able to embrace that like look at what i have you know i did the math on this house and where i live now and i came to the conclusion that it's actually almost the exact same cost of living actually slightly cheaper for me to live in a brand new house than it is for me to live in a house that was built in the 1930s with a much smaller lot and a much busier town and so that's one of the only reasons that i've lived here there's this phrase i always remember when things were going good in life and it's if things are good keep your head down and when things are bad keep your head up and that's kind of what i feel like i have to do right now that's why i've been putting out videos every single day because life is good so you should be working and making a buffer so that if something ever happens you won't be homeless because again that's i guess that goes back to my fear now having said that i'm kind of at a crossroads with my channel in terms of content i know i've talked about this a little bit before in another video and on live streams but it's clear to me that a majority of you guys like my life videos and i want to show more of that but i'm hesitant to do it because to be frank i'm not a millionaire i don't think that i live a lifestyle that lends itself to being lived through vicariously you know it's not like my life is not like casey neistat it's not a rich influencers lifestyle you won't see me hanging off of a helicopter rope at the start of a video i don't own a lamborghini i've never ridden first class on an airplane but lately i've been kind of thinking more about this to myself and i've been kind of reconsidering it and i thought you know what josh maybe they're just interested in you and your life and what you have to say because you're relatable and that's something that has been really odd for me i've had to ponder that quite a bit i've had to like someone's interested in me and what i'm doing in my interests like it's always been what could you get out of me type deal i don't really think that i'm special i don't really think that i'm better than anyone else i'm just regular person just like you guys if we pass each other at the grocery store it doesn't we're the same person i so for me to feel like i'm an influencer and that i have influence it's a strange thing to contemplate because i might be a little bit more vocal about things that other people aren't but i don't feel better because i am so i'm at this point where the data is really clear and that is what you guys want to see uh obviously drama sells the best but that was real and now it's over with and i don't really have any more drama and so i'm thinking about what the regular stuff i do in my life that i enjoy be interesting to you guys i don't want to be just like another vlogger like oh here's my dogs and here's my tv and me me me and look at what i have and it's all about me i've always tried to make content in which after you're done watching it you get something out of it whether that's a lesson about how to negotiate salary whether that's uh through a skit with humor on how corporate works to make it look how outrageous it really can get sometimes things that you can think about while you're not watching the video that might influence your life in a positive way and i feel like me just showing my life and how i do things doesn't add a whole lot that sort of content to me always kind of felt like low-hanging fruit kind of it didn't give people something that they could learn from it didn't add value but i'm at that point where i think it could actually be interesting to show some of the things that i'm interested in some of the things that i've managed to create through doing youtube and running my own s corporation and how i make money outside of youtube and the hobbies that i'm really interested in besides well coding was never a hobby but the things that i actually do for fun like motorcycles paragliding nature you know but i feel like i'm not good enough in any of those areas to qualify to make a video talking about it and again this is probably just imposter syndrome for me and for you guys thinking about making channels um but you don't have to be an expert to try and help someone as long as you don't you know hurt them or show something that you're passionate about just because you think it's really cool and you want other people to be passionate about it and just you know get involved some people around me have been like josh people are interested in your life you need to show that stuff i mean obviously if you want to i'm like yeah but i'm just a regular dude i mean i just do regular stuff and they're like you're not dude you do youtube you have the freedom and flexibility to do whatever it is you want i'm like yeah i mean but they could have that too lately i've started to kind of reconsider this thought process and i thought to myself maybe what i consider nothing special is exactly what people want to see and that's why they watch the channel it's special to them maybe this is exactly what people are looking for something relatable not something so out of their reach that just doesn't even seem like real life anymore i think me feeling this way stems from me growing up and having no one around me that really took an interest in what i was doing so for me at least that's what the internet has been for and i've realized this that i use the internet to find people doing things that i'm interested in because the people around me locally parents family whatever they just didn't have the same interest or they thought it was dumb let me just take a second and explain the youtuber's dilemma i see a lot of comments that say all of your content is the same this is boring do something else and then you'll make something else and you'll see a lot of comments that say this isn't what i subscribed for this is dumb go back to doing what you did before or go back to doing what you're good at and so really there is no winning with youtube you're never gonna please everyone there are some comments in there that say you know we watch you for you josh we're here for whatever you make and while that is nice and i do believe that to an extent the data says otherwise i post videos that people request no one watches it uh i post the videos that nobody requests and everyone watches it and so it's kind of a balance of going back and forth of making content that your audience wants to watch and making content for yourself because for me at least this is my livelihood and i have to evolve i'll never forget this conversation that i had with coffeezilla a few months back it was the first time we'd ever talked and we spoke on the phone for like two hours maybe maybe even three hours we started talking about the analytics section of youtube and how it's basically detrimental to someone's creativity you want to post what you want to post and what you think is fun and cool and creative but the analytics if it's not doing good will often just tell you that it's crap and so it's really hard not to feel like what you're making is garbage but there are so many other factors that go into it like was it your title was it your thumbnail was it the time of day that you posted there are so many other things that go into it and so the data and the analytics can be good you can kind of know that you're doing well but when it's bad oh it is it is soul crushing and over time especially when this is your livelihood the analytics of youtube kind of change what you post if you want the money and you know that's what does good that's what you're going to post but at the same time you can kind of burn out from that and you want to grow and you want to try new things you want to do something different and so you do and then those bomb and you see your ad revenue go down you see your watch time you go down you see yourself lose subscribers and you're like crap there are very rare occasions where you can innovate and post something new and not get punished for it as much as i wish i didn't have to follow the data and the analytics of what people want all the time i kind of do because it's how i pay my bills this is the video that i posted yesterday normally this video would be inside the gray bar but it's not it's way below the gray bar it's like 50 percent below the gray bar it's not even doing bare minimum of what my videos usually do 10.6k less than usual so it should be at like 27 000 views right now and it's it's just doing completely garbage and it makes me not want to make skits anymore but i know i know that i can make good skits and i know that i can get better at this and i know that i can figure out how to do titles and thumbnails better because other skits have done well before when this happens multiple times in a row it is just absolutely soul crushing to watch because i spent all day yesterday on this video i i spent from it was 6 a.m to probably 6 or 7 p.m when i finally posted the video and i just sound effects editing color grading all of it i put so much time and effort to it and it just wasn't rewarded at all and this really changes well it can change your outlook on youtube and how you approach it some of the videos i just slapped together in 10 minutes they do the greatest ever and i'm like what did i even do what did i even say when the commenters say you know we're here for you josh we'll watch whatever you make well this graph says that's a lie for me at least whenever i have a few dud videos in a row like it has been for this week at least my my mind starts going into overdrive a little bit my mind starts spinning all i want to do is work everything that i enjoy in life goes out the window because i want to make sure that i'm not going to be homeless and i want to get myself back again my the first thing i think about is like oh boy am i am i going to become irrelevant are people going to stop watching me am i just in my old news like do i need to go back to what i'm good at i always have to take a second and have to remind myself not it not every video can be a banger you know you're not going to be homeless you have friends you have family now and the only thing that you can keep doing on youtube is keep staying open keep being humble and keep trying to learn from what you're making and put out an extremely large volume of work that's how you get better a majority of the time what i see in my head and what i output in the video just doesn't match up maybe like 65 percent matches what i initially saw and the only way to get the vision in your head and the vision on youtube to match is just straight up volume of work one of the ways i approach youtube that i think has helped me the most is that i hold myself to the standards of the people that i appreciate the people that i would take on as a mentor i hold my video standards to their video standards and my videos never come close and i've just become accustomed to that feeling of my videos never hitting the mark but still always trying to hit that mark i constantly go for things in my life that are out of my reach and i constantly feel like i'm never going to reach those things and by the time i do reach those things my goals are so much higher than that initial point that i still feel dumb and like i have no idea what i'm doing and for me i guess this helps keep me humble i never feel like i'm good enough maybe i should have some confidence in what i'm talking about more but i guess that's my secret weapon but like i said some weeks are just complete duds and they just bomb all week long and then out of nowhere you'll have a banger video it's doing fantastic in the algorithm and my thought process usually goes to do i try and recreate this do i try and double dip on this do i make some other familiar similar stuff or do i take this time it's going to give me and take a few days to try and learn something new try and innovate try and reinvent myself and have something different for them that might do good or do i take this time and take a break from youtube and go spend time doing the actual hobbies that i don't make videos about or do i do those hobbies and make videos about them and maybe see if they like that for me that's kind of how youtube has worked i always look at my successful videos and i decide what to do with that time that it gives me and one of the hardest things one of the absolute hardest things for me about youtube or about anything in life is for me to know when to call the quits or for me to keep going because right now i'm just terrible at it both of the scenarios look the same when you're not doing so hot in anything when do you call the quits and when do you keep pushing no one wants to give up right but sometimes you have to cut your losses and sometimes you want to cut your losses but those losses are only temporary and you'll make them back a hundred fold and finding the difference between the two is impossible to see and that's i walk that line every single day i sometimes think about it in terms of instruments if someone gives you a grand piano or a guitar you've never played anything before and they expect you to be a master or you expect yourself to be a master the first time you try to play it that would be that would be insane and i do that to myself when i try something new it takes practice and it takes consistency and eventually you will be able to play that instrument however sometimes that music style is just not for you man and just you know go play something else play something that matches your vibe and again i'd say this same thing goes for anything in life coding schools jobs degrees whatever it is as for youtube when youtube's good it's really good but when it's bad oh my god does it feel like your life is falling apart quicker than a nature valley granola bar i get it though this is the life that i chose it's not for the risk-averse type of people and i choose it again any day over dealing with the stuff i put into my skits which are by the way based on true stories that i've experienced so i'm constantly bouncing back and forth between what works and changing it up most of the youtubers that do youtube for a living like myself we have to evolve we have to for our own sanity youtubers are kind of like bands some of the listeners like the old album some of the listeners like the new albums and some of the listeners like whatever you put out now some people on the channel have said why don't you make other channels josh just make a new one and tell us to go there and post whatever you want on that channel and the main reason is because i'm just one guy and i do everything myself i don't have employees i don't hire anyone i don't take massive cuts of profit from outsourcing i don't i'm not i'm not the thing that we talk about in the videos and that limits me on my time i edit i run the business i do the business stuff i do the taxes stuff i do everything outside of youtube in terms of business related stuff i got real estate stuff that i managed i'm just one dude and i understand that limits my output but that's why i don't do it i might try some new stuff on the channel and again if it just bombs i i really i might consider making a new channel making hr lady a channel and just posting and just dealing with those channels not being monetized for some time it's just hard to think about because i know i could post this on my channel where it's monetized and i have an audience and i would get views and it wouldn't feel like a waste of time to get that build up going but it would allow you the creative or me the creative freedom to post kind of more of what i want or we could pivot the channel slow pivot it's always been a slow pivot away from code anyways i just kind of want to give you guys an update on what's been on my mind lately what to do with my youtube channel with how i'm feeling about all this new stuff that's going on and i just want to say thank you because i would have none of this without you guys the viewers and i'm open to suggestions in the comments i just try to be transparent and if you can appreciate that maybe click like subscribe if you want to see more videos from me and more videos about the realities of youtube thanks so much i'll see you in the next one

Channel: Joshua Fluke

Views: 51,648

Rating: 4.9551821 out of 5

Keywords: joshua fluke, code bootcamp, javascript, how to code, web development, brand, developer interview, developer jobs, corporate cringe, divorce, story i dont talk about, entrepreneurship, digital brand, life is good, i feel guilty, disowned by my family, success guilt, youtube dilemma

Id: xwCCBkgHnPk

Length: 18min 28sec (1108 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 29 2021