r/AmITheA**Hole For Talking About Finances At Work?

good day there guys new haircut who dis it's your main man marky and welcome back to another episode of r slash am i the a-hole now if you love today's bloody good content i want you to sit back relax chuck a brawn of the bat now if you liked today's bloody good episode i want you to sit back relax chuck a prawn of the barbie smash like on this episode and look forward to some great stories thank you posted by user addopen1605 titled am i the a-hole for bluntly telling the people i work with that no not everyone in the office can afford to buy a house my co-workers are usually pretty good to work with the average salary for them is around a hundred thousand dollars plus i'm their administrative assistant and i make about thirty two thousand dollars anyway some of the things they say are kinda weird for example this one woman was shocked that i'd never had any of my clothes tailored before i think they're just really caught up in their own reality you know like in their world everyone is beautiful and skinny and rich with purebred dogs and perfect white teeth i was helping to organize and someone announced they finally bought their first house the conversation continued on to them kind of being rude and saying like i don't get why you people think no one can afford to buy a house it's not that hard and someone was like yeah i can't imagine being in my 30s and still renting i'd feel like such a failure and they all agreed i don't usually get upset about the crap they're talking about but i finally had it and it was like i'm 38 and rent i don't think i'm a failure one of them was like oh well we weren't talking about you it's just that all these people always go on and done about how it's impossible to save for a down payment i was just like yeah it is pretty hard it was obvious the whole atmosphere in the room changed so i was like anyway and got up and left to the main office to get back to work later on one of the other women in the office came up and was like hey i'm sorry about earlier i didn't mean to offend you it got kind of awkward in there i said yeah it was pretty awkward listening to them talk about how they'd feel like a failure if they were in my shoes she said that's not what she meant she actually meant that it felt like i was trying to call attention to the wage gap like it was their fault and that if i wanted to better myself they could help me figure out how to apply to schools and work my way up just like they did i said a kind of half-hearted thanks it's been weird in the office since then i know money is one of those no-no topics but it's not like it's a secret that i only make what i make am i the a-hole and i forgot to add we don't have hr and this really isn't an hr thing op has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole i think i did make it awkward and i guess i could have just kept my mouth shut i didn't mean to make it into a poor me thing but i guess it came across that way i don't know i don't think that inserting yourself into the conversation and having it be a poor me thing is an a-hole thing to do in all honesty you're providing a counterpoint to their conversation whether warranted or not i still believe that counterpoint was valid office talk is office talk and some people are going to say some socially unacceptable stuff and here they were kind of shaming you indirectly for not making as much money as them you could have kept it to yourself sure as i'm sure they were expecting you to but you spoke up to join in on the conversation and i can respect that your co-worker there didn't really do you any favors with that little follow-up conversation either that was strange for this one though i'm going not the a-hole now in the comments seal the thing 27-25 says not the a-hole they are in an echo chamber filled with people just as privileged as them they were called out on it and instead of taking this embarrassing lesson to hearts they doubled down and are blaming you like they apologized but instead of acknowledging that they are uniquely privileged and not everyone can get where they are they offered to help you get your life together that is wholly inappropriate it sounds like it was just one of them that spoke rudely so i wouldn't blame everyone in the office homeowner club but i agree with this otherwise but nobody said she's right we're coming from it with a very privileged point of view as someone who purchased a house young and has been both hard-working but more importantly lucky when older adults in the office comment on how other millennials should be responsible like me i point out all the ways it actually is hard and the privileges that enable me to do it rather than pretending it's feasible for everyone i think it's valuable to push back this 100 i've been a homeowner for most of my adult wife i was lucky as hell i worked very hard and moved up but without an amazingly generous gift to start i would never get where i am now not the a-hole you called them on their snobbery directly not rudely and they were rightly embarrassed turning it on you with condescending offers to better yourself was an extra helping of poo your coworkers are pretty insensitive endop replies the better myself thing kind of stung honestly i know i don't make a lot of money but i'm really comfortable and happy in my life not everyone can be a computer programmer software engineer digital marketing goddess my daddy always said the world needs sandwich makers the deal is privileged people are usually uncomfortable being faced with it they like the idea that whatever position they have is earned and that anyone else could have pulled themselves up by their bootstraps and achieved the same and the flip side of that is of course that people who haven't earned it aren't unlucky or not afforded the same privilege no the reason must be that they didn't try hard enough the privileged were born on the third base but think they hit a triple given that it's literally impossible to pull oneself up by your bootstraps and the phrasing was at one point meant to mean that it's impossible to do i find the fact that it's used the way it is funny and horrifying at the same time it definitely shows the disconnect between those that are better off and those that aren't and tries to disconnect from reality the fact that pretty much anyone who has gotten anywhere has had help along the way holy crap not the a-hole home ownership isn't for everyone for a variety of reasons especially since 2008. i bought in 2005 because i was pressured into it since then i have lived in constant fear that something would break and i wouldn't have enough money to fix it as an owner if the roof leaks or the water heater goes up that's on me i can't just call the landlord if i'm stalked by a neighbor i can't just break a lease and move yeah equity is nice but there's so much much more than equity that factors into it given the option i'd never have bought as early as i did it wasn't smart you do you hun if owning isn't for you then i applaud your willingness to say it no matter what your co-worker says my parents lived with my dad's mom and his aunt for about six years until my dad saved enough for a deposit he was an engineer but he started as an apprentice which back then was a seven year toil minimum and although houses were cheaper wages were also crap the house they got a row home aka terraced was a dump with mildew rotten floorboards outdating plumbing and electric which my dad fixed up by himself over time when the roof leaked one year we had to sell the car which was also a piece of crap to get the money to fix it my dad used a pushback to get to work for years after i've never understood people who say it used to be cheap in my experience it never has posted by user am i the a-hole babysitting post titled am i the a-hole for walking out after being told one kid was autistic and another kid had a deathly food allergy so i female 16 babysit on weekends for some extra money i used to babysit for this one lady diana and her two kids one female and four male every day over the summer while deanna worked diana texted me last week and asked if she can give her friend jennifer who has two kids six male and four female my number because it was her husband's birthday and they wanted to go out i said sure and jennifer texted me asking about my rates references when i was trained in cpr and a lot of other questions not gonna lie it felt kinda weird to me but some people are overprotective so i went with it yesterday i got to their house and they left money for us to order food and right before they walked out the door jennifer handed me an epipen and said six male is deathly allergic to peanuts and four female is autistic and has sensory issues so get her some chicken nuggets it took a second for me to process that but i gave back the epipen and said i'm sorry but i'm not equipped to take care of your kids and i left well jennifer is mad that i ruined their night and has been talking crap about me to diana but once diana heard the real story she apologized and said she'd talk to jennifer am i the a-hole for walking out of a babysitting job when i learned one kid has a deathly allergy and the other kid was autistic edits i wanted to add that i spent six months volunteering in a special needs classroom and i have some health issues so i know how to give shots although i've never used an epipen so if they would have told me before i probably would have taken the job and just watched a few videos on how to use an epipen i was mostly just in shock and worried that other things would come up too that they didn't tell me about it sucks that they had to cancel their plans sure and they were mad at you in that moment and for sure they could logic up some reason that you were an a-hole and they're saints and blah blah blah but really they sprung up something that you're absolutely not equipped and confident in dealing with on you last minutes and expected you to be cool with it that's some serious negligence on their part and it just sounds like they're asking for something to go wrong with their kids being left with someone not able to handle their care it's not the kids faults they were born that way but it is the parents faults for knowingly covering up those facts add on to that them being mad at you for ruining their nights again when they knew doing this to you was very likely to happen they can't have their cake and to eat it too in this situation that's all kinds of messed up i'm going not the a-hole on this one op you did the right thing now in the comments verity fox says not the a-hole jennifer should have supplied this information well before the point she did you were well within your rights to refuse the job if you did not feel able to cope with the needs of the children their safety is paramount and that's what you were doing she made this bed for herself obviously trying to slip it in at the last minute to try to avoid a possible no from you earlier i always hated when parents did not tell me important information about the kids i watched beforehand i used to watch this one kid that had a bunch of health issues besides that the kid's behavior drove me nuts months later the mother told me that the kid has a mental disability if i had known that i would have handled the kid differently than normal since it was just an occasional job i sucked it up i refused to babysit for her after the mother insulted me she wanted me to skip classes of college so i could babysit while she worked since her job was more important than my education i'm still mad about the kid with severe adhd who was sent away without her meds because it was a medication vacation yeah she didn't sleep and because she didn't sleep neither did i she was also sent for a week camp with two t-shirts three sets of pajamas and no coat we had to buy her clothes here we see the classic bait and switch by jennifer you don't just tell a caretaker as you're running out the door that your kids have additional needs and medical conditions not the a-hole good on you op for stating limitations and not going along with this you just know that she pulled that bs because she doesn't want to pay the rate for a sitter that specializes in caring for kids with disabilities not the a-hole you don't just get to spring autism and severe food allergies onto someone i honestly wouldn't be surprised if they've had multiple attempted sitters before that bail so they wanted to try and trap you as they walked out the door especially a 16 year old that's a lot especially one who was meant to order food for the kids the allergy thing might be a little more reasonable if they had prepared food beforehand and left it with strict instructions that the kids were only to eat the food provided and also knew that they were staying home all evening i.e no parks i have a kid with severe allergies ordering out can be stressful and have dealt with this for years i would never expect a babysitter who had never met my kid before to deal with this the autism thing is an entirely different thing my kid also has autism so speaking from experience there as well i couldn't imagine not giving a babysitter a heads up wow this is the first thing i thought the allergies were only a problem because the parents didn't order food ahead side notes where's the dad in all this it was their anniversary dinner so he's clearly around but mum gets to do all the work setting up planning dinner and handling passing the kids to the babysitter angry face not the a-hole the mother should have let you know beforehand what if her child had an allergic reaction and you didn't know how to use an epipen this what would have happened to o.p if anything had happened to either kid on her watch a mother who doesn't think about having someone trained to watch her two kids what would she have done to op if god forbid something had happened i don't see how the mum could even be comfortable with that plenty of adults don't know what an allergic reaction looks like how and when to use an epipen and that you still need to go to the hospital even after administering the epipen one of my kids has anaphylactic food allergies when he was little whenever he went to a friend's house i had a chat with the parents about all of that as he got older we talked to his friends about it just in case he had an allergic reaction when no parents were around and by middle school he took over explaining it to his friends when he was in eighth grade and had an allergic reaction while out with friends one helped him with the epipen and one called me from my son's phone after calling an ambulance it was a scary situation but they helped him because they were told how to you have to have some sort of discussion with whoever is watching your kid when they have severe food allergies what if opie had just eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on her way to the house and still had some peanut residue on her hands or clothes posted by user that ginger kid653 titled am i the a-hole for telling my rich parents that my lower-class friends and their families are better people than they could ever dream of being i'll start by saying that i'm a 17 male both my parents are very successful lawyers and we live in a super nice house they have given me everything i could ask for but they're not exactly there for me emotionally i can't remember the last time we ate dinner together or had a decent conversation most of the time they're not even home and it's just me i feel like a ghost in my own house we moved to a new town not too long ago and my parents enrolled me in the more exclusive private school in the area i've gone to private schools my entire life but my experience at this school was horrible i'm short effeminate looking and obviously gay the only reason i didn't get my ass seriously kicked was because my parents are rich i begged my parents to switch schools but they were hesitant because the only other option was public schooling i finally escaped the private school of circle jerking and enrolled in this new school i guess i should mention that a few years ago this school district expanded their enrolment zone to slightly cover a lower income area which resulted in a handful of students from low-income families being enrolled my first few days at this new school were brutal with a lot of the same problems following me until i ran into garfield's it's a family name i swear he's not named after a cat he spoke up and said he would love to be my lab partner when no one else would we quickly became friends and he introduced me to his childhood friend also attending the school named eduardo since my parents are so distant to begin with they never noticed me spending so much time with my new friends garfield's mother is a waitress and his dad a construction worker eduardo's mother cleans houses and his dad works odd jobs such as driving for uber both of their families are amazing and involved i started dating garfield and had real friends for the first time ever both garfield and eduardo had come over to my house about twice and met my parents the other day my mother pulled me over and casually mentioned that i was spending a lot of time with that blonde boy garfield and the hispanic kid she asked what their families did and where they lived and i told her she immediately became upset and said i was aiming way below my abilities and these were not the kind of influences i needed in my life i asked why and she said we just live different types of lives and i'll understand when i'm older i freaked out and said both of them and their families have been there more for me in the six months i've known them than my parents ever have and that they're called unfeeling snobs my mom started crying and said public school has changed me for the worst i've never seen her cry before and i'm starting to feel horrible am i the a-hole for saying they're rich hypocrites and that my friends families are better it does hurt to see your own mother crying and know that it was your words that caused it that can definitely be a wake-up call to be like hey man maybe i went too far here maybe i'm an [ __ ] in this situation but if her words made you cry in this same context would she feel the same way that you're feeling and question whether she's an a-hole for that one my money here would be on no she seems pretty set in her opinion of you and her expectations and those values obviously don't align with yours she has to realize that she can't just work 24 7 and neglect her child while still thinking she has any power in shaping who they hang out with when she's not providing that love and care that he wants and needs she's horribly judgmental and i would say obviously jealous of this family for being lower than her yet still worlds apart and caring for you so much where she can't and hasn't in the past also sorry if it's like jumpy with my words i'm thinking while i'm talking but yeah you're not an a-hole for making her cry in this situation she's neglected you and she can't accept you for who you are and who you associate with that's a her problem and definitely not a u problem so i'm going not the a-hole now in the comments alsai says wow not the a-hole at all i'm sorry your mom is hurt but not being involved in her kid's life obviously has consequences and being so judgmental of people with less money doesn't put her in a good light at all especially if she's encouraging you not to be friends with people who have been so kind to you i'm glad you have your boyfriend and friend and full of fence i'm glad you're not a snob endo p replies thanks for saying that it just makes me so angry she's judging them by their class and their parents income level and i feel like i can't do anything sometimes you have to realize that your parents aren't gods or perfect human beings they're just people with imperfections and sometimes those imperfections are pretty extreme definitely not the a-hole i don't think gop is asking for gods or perfect human beings or even good parents at this point i get the feeling it's too late to salvage the parent-child relationship at this point without major effort from both op's parents which seems unlikely even if they did change their behavior it's for all the wrong reasons fear that opie is what they could consider a class trader rather than actually desiring a relationship with their son agreed they thought money would raise their child for them and now they're lashing out of the kid forming his first meaningful relationships there's no way the classist snobby attitude is going to go away without significant efforts on the parents parts and going off what opie has said it's unlikely they're going to change their attitude towards him and prioritizing work into their own lives above and beyond his well-being not the a-hole op not the a-hole i'm sorry but your family is now laying in the bed they created emotional involvement and basic body needs are completely irrelevant from each other you cannot feed a dog by petting it and you cannot make it friendly by dropping food randomly now add the complexity of a human being on top of that and the mistake is obvious if i were you i would say that your emotional needs are unmet and the family needs a family counsellor slash child therapist etc if he or she is a professional he will cut through your parents even if your friends were rich it wouldn't change anything their class is irrelevant you are not changing because of a waitress profession give your parents a chance to fix this and opie says that's a really good way of putting it and i honestly think we do need help but we don't really know how to relate to each other i dunno my dad is furious with me and not open to any discussion give them an actionable path go to therapist etc to follow or they will decide to blame the public school as an easy path it is good that your family is dealing with this now if you saw happy families as a grown-up adult you probably would decide to cut contact or act extremely distant now your family has a chance to fix this tell them that you want to love them more and be more close to them but you cannot find a way when they away too much you can even say that you're a bit jealous a simple solution would be to allocate specific appointments for quality family time your parents are used to being punctual to the meetings for clients so now they get to meet with the most important customer you that is how high-class people keep up with their family if you do not plan for family time you will skip it that's a nice idea but doesn't seem to fit opi's circumstances he already said that dad is furious and isn't open to any discussion i don't want to speak on op's behalf but i find this group often assumes people's family situations are as liberal as the ones they grew up in i'm from a household where parents are in charge and that's it the idea of making suggestions to my parents on how they should parent or advising them to go to therapy would be laughable i believe the action suggested is simply so that op can say that he made an effort and then put the ball in his parents chords i don't see why opie is expected to be the only party putting an effort into his relationship with his parents putting the ball in the court of people who don't want to play by the rules means they take the ball and destroy it and then scream or laugh at you for having passed the ball you can't possibly make any progress with someone else who is refusing to cooperate with others so all the effort op puts in does nothing for the relationship and is emotionally unhealthy for op the only way the relationship can improve is if op's parents choose to work on themselves so they're better people posted by user throw r.a cane girl titled am i the a-hole for moving out because my family keeps playing with my cane so i 17 female still live with my mom my step-dad and my two half siblings five male and seven female my dad died when i was five driving me to the hospital mom didn't want to pay for an ambulance he died in the crash into my leg and spine got busted up in a way that has left me needing a cane pretty much ever since my step-dad's always been a little distant with me he likes to make jokes about how i'm an early blooming black widow i think he gets that from my mom who blames me for my dad's death i do too it is my fault after all so i don't push back on it anyway the point is that with the current situation my parents are always looking for ways to get my half siblings active and doing things without leaving the house and have recently settled on scavenger hunts i have no problem with this honestly i wish they'd stopped hiding stuff in my underwear drawer but it's a five-year-old and a seven-year-old so that's not the worst my problem though is that they keep taking my cane when i'm not looking i tend to get lost in my homework and my writing hobby and zone out and having it be one of the items that my half-siblings have to find when i complain to my step-dad he's a stay-at-home dad so is usually the one running these things he scolds me for being selfish and points out that my swivel chair has wheels if i need the bathroom and that they always get it to me before i have to go downstairs for dinner i tried my mom yesterday and she said that i was being a brat and that if i wanted a father who cared about me i shouldn't have killed my dad i got really upset at that point and called my grandparents my mom's parents because my dads are dead too they showed up at 10 pm yesterday and grandma screamed at them while grandpa packed my stuff up and helped me out to their car my mom's been blowing up my phone and email calling me all sorts of names and accusing me of turning her family against her and trying to get her into legal trouble since miners can't move out and i can't help but think that maybe she's right so am i the a-hole rp has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole i think i might be the a-hole because it's not like they were hurting me actively just making it painful to leave my room and my cane's always been returned intact and with no problems eventually i didn't need to blow up the family and i don't want to cause any long-term problems for my mom you may not want to cause any problems for your mum but it seems as though she's more than happy to cause problems for you and is enabling your step-dad to cause them also there's no excuse for them hiding your cane you're disabled and needed to get around you obviously aren't okay with them hiding it and the two of them have seemingly conditioned you to accepting it i disagree with you also on the not actively hurting you parts i think they are to be convinced that at five years old you caused the death of your father who was just trying to get you to the hospital is disgusting by your mother no child should have that happen to them nor should they have a family who lays blame for that death on their child i'm sad knowing that's a reality for you because that's no reality that i'd want to live in that would actively hurt me every single day i think it's for the best that you move out with your grandparents and away from these two so-called parents that's not an environment you should be subject to as it'll only get worse with time not the a-hole please leave now in the comments butted with bread says oh honey no you didn't kill your dad it isn't your fault accidents are accidents because they aren't your fault your mother is unbelievably awful for the way she's been treating you and allowing you to be treated please stay with your grandparents and if you have access maybe seek out a therapist to help you work through all this guilt that you're holding on to more than anything i send you hugs oh and not the a-hole in any way shape or form do not go back to that abusive house and opie replies i caused him to need to be in the car though i wasn't sick i'd injured myself jumping off the stairs because i thought my supergirl costume would make me fly i didn't cause the accident itself but it's my fault he was in the accident i appreciate the hugs in the verdict though by this same logic it should be your mum's fault if she didn't want to pay for an ambulance jesus not the a-hole all the way and tons of hugs for you please take care of yourself and don't go back there and quite frankly this is probably why the mum is focused on blaming op to avoid poking that thought too much she clearly needs to come to terms with that but it'll probably never happen not the a-hole your mother is straight-up abusive your father's death is not your fault and she is frankly completely awful for allowing and reinforcing those beliefs your stepdad is an a-hole too for taking a necessary aid from you if he wore glasses i'm pretty sure he wouldn't find it funny if you kept hiding them these people are toxic and cutting them out of your life may well be your best decision here also depending on the jurisdiction taking someone's cane can be considered an assault upon the person since it is interfering with necessary medical equipment not the a-hole first of all your father's death was absolutely not your fault your mother has behaved absolutely abhorrently towards you and it's downright horrific that anyone in your household thinks it's okay to take your cane and leave you without means to get around your home easily everyone in your household except you has behaved terribly good on you for getting out please also talk to your grandparents about getting you into therapy you certainly have a lot of things to talk through and i think you would find it very helpful and op replies i mean like i've said elsewhere it was my fault but i appreciate your kindness regardless therapy might be a good idea though yeah i'm reluctant to ask for anything since i take so much but not a bad idea you feel like you take so much that you can't ask for help seriously you are in a very low place you deserve help love happiness and you deserve to take up space into resources we all do opi replies to that my grandparents are retired and they're not exactly rich it would be greedy for me to ask of them to pay for therapy when they're already offering to give me a place to stay and to feed me and pay for the wi-fi i need for classes are you american if so may i ask what state you live in i'd like to send you some resources because if the cost of therapy would put a strain on your grandparents financial situation you may be eligible for free or reduced cost medical services you absolutely need therapy what you've been through is not okay your mum seems to have convinced you that you are bad and worthless this is not normal and you deserve better and op replies you're very kind and i live in maine and it's okay because right after this one a lot of people sent op resources and links to different things that they can access in maine so i really do hope they get therapy there and i do hope they get the help they need because it does seem like they are convinced that they are bad and worthless and that's no way to live this is a terrible situation and it could take a long time to get out of but hopefully they can get those resources that have been provided to them also op adds an edit at the end of their post and says i would just like to say thank you to everyone who's taken the time to comment and try to reassure me that i'm not the a-hole i can't reply to all of you i like the energy and i have homework but i'm reading them all and i really appreciate it you've given me a lot to think about and i do thank you posted by user flight neat 5038 titled am i the a-hole for telling my mom i'm not going to be her second choice just because my brother died so me 23 male and my mom don't have the best relationship my parents broke up when i was two my mom was trying to do college so i was mostly with my dad and she would have me every weekend when i was six she got married and then a year later had my half brother tommy after that she was canceling our meetups or days i go over there because she was busy missing out on school stuff and then birthdays i barely saw her after that and her reason always was being busy with my half brother i never even met him like at all i could also tell when i was around her husband didn't like me he was always serious around me and never actually spoke to me years went on and it just went to a total no talking at all my dad got married to my stepmom when i was 10 and she's really great so nine months ago i heard from my grandparents on facebook that tommy passed away i don't know the full details all i know is that it was some accident and he had serious injuries i thought about reaching out to my mum but it felt weird since we haven't talked in years she ended up being the one messaging me first telling me about what happened to tommy and then apologizing for not keeping contact with me for years pretty much she wants to meet and for us to have a relationship again it just felt off to me that she's doing it only now after tommy passed i know some of you are gonna say losing him maybe made her realize she was a crap mum to me but still if this hadn't happened then it's like she never would have reached out and wouldn't be trying i told her this too and i'm not interested in us having anything at the moment this made her push even more that we need to do this and it just seemed like she was not going to let this go so i said i'm sorry for what happened to him but i'm not going to be her second choice and she can't expect me to want her back in just because she lost one child and decided that she'll go back to the other maybe in the future if i feel differently but not right now my mum hasn't left me alone and when last time i talked to my grandparents they gave me crap about what i told her and i shouldn't have said that to her just after she'd lost her son so i'm not sure if what i said was too harsh saying i'm not interested in her right now just because my brother's not around anymore and it's like i'm just her only option now it's just how i feel since she dropped out of my life once she had another family was i an a-hole and dopey has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole so i think i could be an a-hole for telling my mum i won't be her second choice because my brother passed away and hurting her feelings about that her feelings were hurt before she contacted you she knowingly chose to cut you out of her life maybe that hurt maybe that didn't but she's having to deal with the pain of losing her son and now the pain of the realization that she doesn't deserve a relationship with you and is desperate for some anchoring and stability in her life she didn't choose to have her son die you didn't choose to have your mother cut you off and abandoned you in all honesty life happens and people make bad choices you're not an a-hole from my perspective for telling her you won't be her second choice and if that hurts her feelings then good i think it needs to it'll only hurt your feelings more if you let her in and she does that to you again she's already proven she can do it once and be happy with it so this is a hard situation and i imagine it'd be even harder dealing with this in person it's not wrong to reconnect with her again and it's not wrong to keep your distance grief and loss are hard emotions to tackle and you go at your own pace with these things for telling her this though of course i see it as not the a-hole now in the comments g-man boyd says not the a-hole in the slightest in my opinion this shouldn't be a question in your head man don't feel bad about not wanting a relationship she ditched you for her other son and now only wants you now that he's gone f off this is harsh but that's karma completely up to you but she doesn't deserve you pal exactly rop is not a plan b this is such a bad thing to do to a child the mother wants emotional support not op she wants something to love to help her over her grief and regrets i hope she won't get anything of op and what if the mother gets another child or dog or something and will just kick opie to the curb again just horrible she did it once she will do it again not that a hole and your grandparents are also the a-hole if they've watched this situation unfold over years and only now decided to intervene even if she's genuinely regretting the past that's her problem because it was entirely her actions that put her in this place now you aren't an emotional support animal that she can pick up when she needs it it's very reasonable you don't want to be subbed in for tommy when you are already swapped for him once she's going to need to demonstrate that she wants to get to know you as a person not a substitute son and she's got a lot of explaining to do she made you a stranger she doesn't get to call on strangers for help exactly this where were they the whole time your mother ignored you you never even met your brother how bad is that what did they say about that the mum ignored him and he never met his brother for a whole 16 years it's not like an infant needs more attention than a seven year old's this is next level i mean just technically speaking an infant absolutely does need more attention than a seven-year-old but that's no excuse for her totally ditching him and making zero effort whatsoever it doesn't mean the seven-year-old doesn't need any attention or that she couldn't make some time she is 100 in the wrong here my son died but wait i gotta spare don't i not the a-hole [Music] posted by user body hair077 titled am i the a-hole for telling my sister her body hair is ruining her dates bad title hear me out my sister 22 female and i 26 female both have polycystic ovarian syndrome as a result we have very thick dark body hair and facial hair that can honestly rival some men's i personally choose to shave regularly because i can't stand how it looks and feels my sister used to shave but about a year ago decided she wanted to stop of course i support her 100 and think she's beautiful what she does with her body is her business however there is an issue my sister uses old pictures of herself back when she was shaving on dating apps this has led to a lot of problems in her romantic life she often complains she never gets a second date and sometimes people even leave mid-date i think this is kind of her fault because she's being disingenuous about her appearance which is a crappy thing to do i've always bit my tongue and just supported her about this topic until recently the other day she was venting again about another failed date she asked me why this keeps happening to her i told her she should consider updating her profile pictures she got defensive and asked why she would need to do that i told her that it would probably help so people knew what she looks like since she looks a lot different than when they were taken she started getting extremely angry and said that a little body hair doesn't make that much of a difference and the right person won't mind a little hair again our body and facial hair is very thick and dark and in my opinion definitely makes a difference when i don't shave i get a full mustache and beard and my sister is the same the people she's going on dates with aren't expecting her to show up with a full moustache and beard because her pictures show her clean shaven i told her that she's beautiful but she's giving people false expectations which is why she's having bad luck dating she should just be honest from the start and the right one will come along but she was infuriated and said that i was being unsupportive and misogynistic she has refused to talk to me since and my family is now calling me an a-hole too because they think i was shaming her my sister even posted on social media that body hair is beautiful the stigma attached to it is misogynistic it sucks when your own family won't support you did i go wrong somewhere here i love my sister and i don't think body and facial hair is a bad thing at all but i don't think it's right to basically catfish people and then blame them for not being interested and treating them like they're horrible people when you misled them am i the a-hole i think you went about this the right way yes you were harsh on your sister and to her maybe your opinion wasn't necessary or helpful but in all reality it's the cold hard truth as to why her dates keep going so wrong if she feels the need to catfish people and then get upset when she exposes herself then she only has herself to blame you feel bad for making her upset sure and your family agrees with her but only because they'd rather pander to her emotions than have to deal with the fallout of breaking that reality to her also it's easier as a family to side with her than have to deal with the arguments and fights that would come from siding with you from an outside perspective i think you did the right thing i assume she knows what she's doing is wrong and knows that her dating pool gets smaller when she doesn't shave and shows pictures of herself online with a mustache and beard that's the unfortunate reality of dating online there's really no easy answer to this one but to me you're not the a-hole now in the comments yuki daviji says not the a-hole she's lying to those who look at her profile and if body hair is natural and she's okay with it why won't she update her picture she's okay with her hair proud of it so why because she knows she wouldn't get as many first dates if she did update it is what i think but it would solve the issue of people leaving in the middle of the date because they were lied to right her statement of the right person wouldn't mind a bit of body hair contradicts the fact that she has an old pre-hair profile picture because she's not attracting the right person she's attracting the wrong ones and going on dates with the wrong ones she has to decide whether she wants lots of first dates or if she wants to really put herself out there with a new picture and try to find someone who will actually connect with her not the a-hole op you are honest but gentle about the whole thing exactly if it doesn't matter then a recent picture shouldn't matter either exactly this is like dudes using a profile picture from the 90's in blue swim trunks on a sailboat and now they're 30 plus years older than their profile picture looked it's disingenuous it's misrepresenting themselves it's plain lying i'm in my 30s and have dated and would date older men just not if they feel they need to lie about it before we started dating my wife was on tinder matched with a nice guy chatted a bit set up a date she arrives doesn't see him and waits at the bar a guy who was already there and around 200 pounds heavier than his profile pictures walks up and asks her by name if she's his date she says nope gets a beer and walked out like that would normally be an a-hole move to walk out on a date like that except he'd already set the expectation and lied about that he might have been a great person but lying on the first date is just a flat out good way not to get a second that goes for men or women not the a-hole i have polycystic ovarian syndrome and the honest answer is if you choose to embrace the body hair issue embrace it but if she's claiming to embrace it then not backing it up with being proud about it then that's a huge issue i also have pcos and insulin resistance i have a beard that would rival most mens but i shave every day i also have a pretty good happy trail as well not the a-hole wow your sister loves being the victim doesn't she no offense if i see a guy clean shaved that i meet him in person with a beard i'd straight up call him what he is a catfisher body hair or not if it's something she knows will make people swipe left she should put it up there doesn't matter if she has extra weight shorter hair or a facial scar changing pictures you know will make people swipe left and meeting with them regardless is catfishing and even if the right guy shows up he would leave after being deceived she loves complaining about them not staying when she's the one who catfished and wasted their time then blamed you when she asked you for your opinion and got defensive the fact that she also made a post doesn't help either she loves being the victim and it's on her not you lol what a guy with a beard is catfishing you that's pretty ridiculous guys can grow a beard in like a week and it's definitely not culturally abnormal at all for a guy to switch between having a beard and being shaven now if he shows up with a lumberjack beard that's a different story but i can shave on a monday and have a pretty decent beard going in 10 days posted by user aggravatingpop3146 titled am i the a-hole for getting mad at my wife for her jokes about me not helping around the house or with our baby my wife and i both work only difference is she actually goes into the office and i'm still working from home we have a 10 month old daughter and i've been basically a stay-at-home dad on top of working my regular day job it was stressful as hell when my wife finished up her maternity leave but luckily my work is pretty flexible so i'm not usually super busy most of the day i'm replying to emails on my phone with my daughter in her carrier or taking conference calls while she's napping i also do the cleaning around the house because i'm a total neat freak and order all cooked in a two if i have the time then in the evenings my wife takes over so i have some leisure time on sunday we went to have lunch at her sister's house the first time we've all seen each other in a while they ask us how life's going with a new baby and my wife starts jokes about the house being a mess when she gets home and her having to clean it up because i've been too busy playing with our daughter all day to do it myself when our sister's husband asked how i manage i admitted it does get overwhelming sometimes and my wife once again chimed in saying i call her constantly throughout the day over little things like not being able to find our daughter's binky or needing her help because daughter won't stop crying and i have no idea what to do she also laughed about how every day when she gets home she just prays i didn't burn the house down i know it was all said in a lighthearted joking around way but it really hurt my feelings everyone was chuckling except me so my wife kissed my cheek telling me not to take it too seriously and she appreciates that i put in the efforts so i straight up told her well i don't appreciate you acting like i'm useless when i'm the one at home taking care of her all day and cleaning the house my wife didn't know how to respond to that and we changed the subject she was in a serious mood after we left because i embarrassed her and it wouldn't have hurt me to let her joke around a little because she knows that i help out a lot i've been distant with her not talking much when she gets home and she's mad at me for taking it too seriously even her sister says that i'm overreacting but i just don't see why she thought that it was okay to paint me as the cliche useless man-child husband now i have my wife saying i'm being a bit of an ass for still holding this against her and she doesn't see why it's a big deal to me part of me just feels hurt and i'd like an apology but another part wonders if i'm being an ass for how i'm acting with her personally i've been on the receiving end of the same jokes and you can honestly take them for a long time but when those same jokes are repeated over and over again you question just how long someone can keep up the same shtick for so long without realizing hey maybe i'm being a bit of a dick for continuing the joke the wife trying to play it off after and telling you not to take it so seriously because oh my god it's just a joke is minimizing your emotions she's not apologizing to you even if it wasn't her intention to hurt you sometimes you have to realize that these jokes and things you say to people really do hurt because your words have weight an apology would be a good start to fixing this situation i think you've done a good job communicating your feelings in this situation op and you're valid for getting mad at her her bringing her sister into this private matter is uncalled for sure she wants another perspective but to me it seems like a very biased perspective and it's not helping the least she can do is give you that apology but she refuses to for some reason unknown to me seems like the ball is in her court now and you're not the a-hole not the a-hole put it this way if the situation was flipped and you were the salary man and your wife was a stay-at-home mom how would those comments go down in front of her family would they still find it funny that you're implying the mother of your child was useless at home if it's not funny in reverse it's not funny she needs to apologize for undermining you then you guys can move forward he's not even a stay-at-home parent he's a work from home parent who juggles working with caring for the kid which is two full-time jobs worked simultaneously and he cleans the wife should be loudly singing his praises rather than cutting him down because she's insecure with the knowledge that he is doing the lion's share of the work on weekdays she even called it helping out exactly this dude is really digging in and his wife calls it help because what it should be her job that's a really outdated way of thinking the golden rule applies here she wouldn't want to be treated like that so why treat someone else that way because it's funny and that makes it all right obviously she's just joking bro problem is if she's the only one laughing then it's not that much of a joke let's be honest she wasn't even doing it to be funny she wanted to paint herself as the hard-working mom who is somehow able to juggle it all and is holding the family together while he's the bumbling idiot who miraculously manages not to burn the house down every day i would be livid and demand an apology myself she's crapping on her husband too in order to feed her own ego it's hurtful and pathetic not the a-hole but your wife sure is she's undermining your efforts you're doing your best man and it's only a joke if it's funny to both parties otherwise it's just being mean your wife needs to take a second and wonder why she's embarrassed here's the answer because she knows that you told the truth and she's embarrassed you called her out instead of going along with her jokes to make her look like the better parent you keep doing what you're doing and make sure to have a serious talk with her when tempers are a little calmer alright you sound like a good dad by the way also i really don't understand this do you know how happy i'd be to have a husband in the future who takes care of the house and the kid while i work i'd sing his praises and tell everyone how glad i am that he's pulling his weight in the relationship what does she get from painting her partner as the bad guy in front of her family and possibly friends in the future if it keeps up opie definitely is not the a-hole she shouldn't joke about this this though honestly opie's wife found a unicorn and she still puts him down yikes there's a reason that unicorns are extinct nowadays not the a-hole she doesn't see why it's a big deal to me that's because she has no idea of how much you do during your work hours not playing with the kid hours or cleaning hours or cooking hours work hours you're amazing for being able to juggle work in there but she shouldn't joke about it she was belittling you and your hard work that isn't a joke and then to act like you embarrassed her after all the times she embarrassed you not to mention sexist too the her me dumb husband dialogue needs to stop it's really not okay and actually really insulting to all the involved dads who are fully living in the 21st century posted by user throwaway desku4916 titled am i the a-hole for telling my fiancee to stop blaming our kids for ruining her body so my fiancee 46 female and i 48 male used to both be fitness enthusiasts she used to go to gym with me all the time and we shared passions in mountain biking crossfits and were competitive rowers from our college years onwards she used to take pride in the fact that she would push herself to the limit to keep up with me fitness wise however after our four-year-old and three-year-old girls were born my fiance began saying that using the elliptical and treadmill at the gym already constituted pushing herself to the limit she was having troubles with her miles of extra skin her words not mine and said her gym rat days are over she ended up gaining weight had spider veins and would say that she was now mama to her kids and that i say i want a sexy partner not just a mama but refused to plan a wedding in these past four years she's brought more and more into what i saw to be very tacky mummy motivation youtube channels and online magazine subscriptions started joining a bunch of support groups and attending working mother summits even though she hasn't worked in six years all that's okay but one of her mummy friends who runs a local women's wellness magazine asked her to do a shoot about empowering mom's bodies she and about 19 other women ended up having pictures taken of their so-called tiger stripes and talked about embracing their mum bodies i didn't check out what was put out until i logged onto social media today and saw my wife tagged in her picture and i felt like what i saw was just a whole lot of indecent taste there was a picture where the two kids feet were resting near where my fiance's stomach's crepe texture started my fiance wrote an excerpt about how she used to be an avid rower and never shy in a bikini but for the longest time after the kids she ached everywhere and could barely get her excess weight and skin into her leggings she said she felt undesirable like she felt not valuable because she had lost her beauty and fitness but then she tries to dispel it all by saying that she realizes that her kids don't care and think that she's beautiful and that her body made her proud to be a woman because it housed her kids for nine months i confronted my fiance and said that it was one thing to not feel like a woman but to essentially blame our kids for ruining her body when she made that decision as an adult with free will was horrible mothering she yelled that this wasn't what she meant and that she was saying she's grateful her body gave us children i said that obviously the picture with our kids feet around her stomach was pointing out the cause of her ruined body and it couldn't be more obvious am i the a-hole for thinking that she needed to hear that she can't blame others when if she really ruined her body that was her own decision not my kids rp has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole i might be the a-hole for using words like tacky and cringe-worthy but i felt like she's just airing her own negative feelings out to others who probably don't want to hear about it the problem with your argument there is that it's so obvious that people do actually want to hear about it and if she's been put on a magazine that should really make it obvious her story and words are empowering she seems proud of herself and accepting of her body changing you may have a difference of opinion but instead of encouraging her or attempting to understand her point of view you've decided to attack her for it more often than not when you have kids and your body changes you don't get put on a magazine it seems as though you feel embarrassed that she was quite unquote aired out to the world and not hidden like everyone else gets in one way or another it's okay to have insecurities it's not okay for your insecurities to manifest in attacking her insecurities that's toxic and anyone could see that get some help opie and get some empathy too while you're at it now in the comments babybella92 says you're the a-hole so much your wife is trying to feel secure in her body which is changed after having kids she's trying to be proud and feel empowered by her body and you're being a jerk about it at the end of the day having your kids has changed her body and by the sounds of it her mindset too which isn't a bad thing opie needs to come to jesus moment yikes you're the a-hole and i hope you end up with a grape textured stomach what does that even mean lamell i can't tell if this is a joke post or if opie is extremely ignorant and rude reading the title i first thought that they would tell us about how his fiancee openly blames the kids for her body but reading this made me feel disgusted by opie she is being proud of her body the body she used to give you your kids you're the aholop poor woman who has to be with a partner who clearly doesn't appreciate her body and what she's done to bring something so precious as kids into their life you're the a-hole op and mm-172 says you're the a-hole and i'm pretty sure you know it first of all why are you calling this her decision when she didn't get pregnant on her own accord second do you have a problem with her body or not if not then i don't know what the hell you're so upset over she doesn't look the way she did pre-kids and that may have been difficult for her to cope with but that doesn't mean she's lying when she says it was worth the trade-off the way you seem to think she is if you do and i think it's pretty clear what the case is from your fixation on her stripes and crepe and all the other stuff that makes a pose that you probably wouldn't have thought twice about before her pregnancy seemed tasteless to you now then you're the one trying to blame the kids for your issues and you need to knock it off also what's this about you not wanting to plan a wedding you know there aren't any actual points in the a-hole bingo right posted by usa am i the a-hole food bank titled am i the a-hole for telling my dad to swallow his effing pride and go to a food bank so my 17 female mum 33 female she had me at 16 left shortly after my little sister who was 2 was born i also have a 5 year old brother and a 3 year old sister we haven't heard from her since my dad 34 male owned a small business that went under a few months ago due to the shutdowns and has had trouble finding a job since right now he's working two minimum wage jobs trying to support us but that barely covers the mortgage and our car payments i ended up dropping out of high school so i can take care of my siblings and to get a job i got a great job as a nanny and they're letting me bring my siblings since they're the same age as the kids five male and three female i have been paying for all of our health care i have ulcerative colitis and my brother has type 1 diabetes so that crap is expensive my car and half of our food bill and any clothes that my brother and sister need and occasionally some new toys for them i know for a fact that we qualify for financial aid at the hospital that we go to and maybe snap benefits or food banks it would make things so much easier on all of us my siblings and i don't eat healthy most of what we eat are those bulk bags of cereal at the grocery store and dollar store pasta with beans or sometimes eggs or meat it's gotten to the point where the family i work for got started giving us all their leftovers so we can eat somewhat healthy i talked to my dad about financial aid at the hospital and he actually agreed to it but when i brought up snap benefits or going to food banks he completely shut the idea down he kept saying he doesn't need help getting us food and he survived without food stamps when he was our age so we should too i lost my temper and yelled at him swallow your effing pride and go to a food bank because two crap meals a day isn't cutting it he yelled at me to go to my room and now we're not speaking to each other am i the a-hole for yelling at him no i think this is a wake-up call that he needs and yeah yelling can make you an a-hole in some situations i don't think this is one of them sometimes you've got to yell to just make it known you care enough for real positive change to be made he's being an a-hole in this situation for standing his ground so hard on getting you guys food and that's not something you kids should have to deal with if there are other options available to you so i'm gonna go with not the a-hole and opie adds some edits and says i'm not calling cps on my dad so y'all can stop suggesting that he's trying his best edit i sent my dad the post he finally came to his senses we're going to start applying for benefits tonight and edits for those of you asking about my education i'm planning on getting my ged in may and starting community college in the fall now in the comments geek egg says not the a-hole that crap ain't normal and he's under a lot of stress likely hates feeling that you already had to drop out of school and that he's not cutting it as a man but he's got to get past it and maybe this was the kick in the ass he needed and edit so proud of you and your dad for taking one hard step after another glad he decided to accept some help wish you both the best not the a-hole you're right it's just his stupid pride and you're sacrificing a lot for your family right now before you're even illegal adults the least you deserve is some decent meals i'm heartbroken for any parent in the situation he's in but he needed to have it pointed out to him that it's pretty silly for him to think that letting his kids go without food and nutrition and education leaves him with more pride than using the social safety nets that he pays into out of each paycheck he's making life harder for all of his kids especially op unnecessarily yeah i agree it's this old-fashioned idea that if you need to go on government assistance you're a lazy sponge mooching off of people but clearly if this guy's working two jobs he's not lazy i said it in another comment but i'll say it again it's not his fault corporations are allowed to pay people so little they can work full-time and still need government assistance he's not a bad father he just needs to realize how illogical he's being here posted by user dad of three six four three two titled am i the a-hole for saying my daughter can't keep calling everything and everyone she dislikes creepy so my daughter is 15 and my sons are nine and six and as a family we have some house rules about how we speak about others like both things like you can't cuss at people or use profanity but also stuff about speaking with kindness and not talking about people as fat or stupid or things like that recently my daughter has practically had creepy as her favorite word she'll call everything she doesn't like creepy including our neighbor who keeps track of which cars are in our neighborhood and who they belong to not in an invasive way i like that they look out for the community's safety the pledge of allegiance as a concept it's creepy and culty to chant at the flag she says a cashier in the grocery store who complimented her coats a teacher who wants cameras on and virtual backgrounds off in zoom classes because it's creepy her teacher can see her room anyone over 18 who still uses the tick tock app the main character in the great gatsby book the app next door and anyone who uses it and the neighbor who sits on their porch and says hi when she walks the dog anyways our younger ones are picking up on this too and they're using it as a way to insult people without seeming to know what it really means like if they're bickering they'll just be calling each other that so i told all the kids that creepy or a creep used as an insult to a person is going to go on the no-no list and a few times i chastised them for using it during this my wife was visiting her mom and when she came back and we were talking about how i made creepy a new no-no word for the kids she got furious with me she was angry because she said that i was taking away our kids but especially our daughter's ability to express discomfort with anything in their lives and that girls especially are taught not to make a fuss if someone is making them uncomfortable and that giving those messages of you're not allowed to say that you feel creeped out is teaching her a horrible dangerous lesson and that we should be encouraging her to put words to her discomfort and that she wanted our daughter to always be okay saying she doesn't feel good about something and learn how to communicate that effectively that i should have invited her to elaborate and respected her opinions instead of shutting her down i told her that it doesn't seem like she's talking about actual issues she is just using that word as a way to speak badly of people when the reasons are so petty my wife got really frustrated with me and said that if our daughter was saying this stuff we need to be teaching her that she should be able to express it and should be taught that us as her parents will take her seriously we left the conversation at that point and i'm taking some time to think right now am i the a-hole for having told our daughter and two sons to not call people creepy i can understand banning and censoring other derogatory words that can damage minority groups and have serious social implications for the kids if they're repeated but i can't understand the banning of the word creepy from the house and i agree with your wife that banning it is taking away your daughter's ability to say that she's uncomfortable with something and you definitely should be encouraging her instead of punishing her for doing so do you just not want her to voice her concerns if she's ever in a rough patch or feels like she can't trust you with things that could potentially be dangerous for her because you're headed down that road if you continue i think you should listen to your wife in this situation she seems to have first-hand experience with this one and is recognizing that you're lacking some empathy towards your daughter here i'm going with your the a-hole and in the comments ding the witch is deaf says you lost me when your explanation of the first guy did sound pretty creepy you're the a-hole agreed sorry but some of the things you listed are creepy yup the pledge of allegiance as a concept and chanting the flag she's not wrong as a european i find it intensely disturbing that american kids pledge their allegiance to the flag opie's daughter just needs a thesaurus not gonna lie i didn't realize that a lot of places in america do it it feels like it was just a meme from movies and now that meme's been taken too far the most patriotic thing we do here is seeing the australian national anthem at school assembly but you guys are like every morning we're pledging allegiance to a flag i dunno chief that kind of seems weird you're the a-hole i think your daughter is right about a large portion of that list and your wife is right that she should be encouraged to express herself in an appropriate manner yeah she's literally just learning how to express her opinions you're the a-hole when i was reading your list of creepy examples i found them all creepy except the cashier and the lady saying hi from her porch i suppose tick-tock is arguable just because you don't find things creepy as an adult man does not mean you're young daughter will agree especially in these crazy times i'd encourage my children to listen to their creep radar not chastise them for expressing it i hope your kids never find themselves in situations with a badly intended adults because you just taught them to ignore their instincts about it you're the a-hole here's the thing that you might not truly understand but your wife does it's so common for men to engage in predatory behavior towards girls your daughter's age that it's overwhelmingly likely she has already been the target of sexual harassment or assaults cat calling that turns into if you then be if she doesn't respond to the way someone wants men trying to cop a feel in a crowded bus or elevator friends or boyfriends who pressure her if she doesn't want what they want from her or spread rumors that they slept with her teachers and coaches leering at her or making sexually charged comments it is everywhere it's so common that most girls will shrug 90 of these encounters off and stuff they can't do anything about so ffs let her call people creepy more than you realize they are posted by user puzzle headed map222 titled am i the a-hole for telling my daughter it's her fault she has no pictures of herself okay so i 54 female have five kids three bio two-step the issue is with my eldest clem who is 26 female the only pictures i have of clem are from the day that she was born to around her eighth birthday but none after that she would ruin any picture she was in by making funny faces hiding from the camera making weird signs with her hands or by messing with other people it was like this until she was 12 when she started to straight up refuse we would tell her to come for the family photo but she would refuse we never forced her but would gently encourage her she even refused school pictures i have no pictures of birthdays graduations prom photos holidays or days out with her in them it broke my heart because i don't have any pictures of her growing up family photos look odd because she's not in them clem is 26 now and is pregnant with her first child she brought her significant other over for dinner and after we were looking at photo albums we got to hers and she saw hers was nearly empty she asked where all her pictures were and i told her she refused to have any taken she got all teary-eyed and told me to stop joking at this point i'm very annoyed i tell her i'm not joking and that she did this to herself i told her if she had swallowed her pride and had even one picture we wouldn't be like this today she got angry and thought that i'd printed out the ones she had messed up she got super upset and went to sit in the car the next day today i got a few texts from family members calling me an a-hole for putting her on blast and humiliating her am i the a-hole look you could have phrased it better in all honesty because from the outside looking in it seems like you all of a sudden just got annoyed at her and started having a go at her you probably could have phrased what you said a bit nicer but you can't change what's done now she's also got a point there that you did take some of those photos and refused to print them even if they were silly there's a lot of character in dumb faces of kids regardless of how serious you're trying to make the photo i do think ultimately this is her fault though as she point blank refused to have any photos taken of her she should definitely remember that it's not like she has memory loss or anything that would just clear the last however many years it's been since you've had a photo of her taken and printed it seems as though this may be a sore point you two have hit on before and continues to be a point of contention but really i think that's her fault for continuing to refuse as i'm sure you tried your hardest to get her to cooperate i'm gonna go with not the a-hole for this one now op put some edits in the post and says thank you for all your replies i do want to clear something up whilst i agree it was a crappy move not to include goofy or rude pictures that's not what clem has an issue with she's upset that i have no pictures of her from ages of 12 to 18 to fill the album with and the few i do have caused extreme reactions from clem i can't fill an album with pictures i never took that's what she's upset about not the omission of goofy or rude photos and added too to those of you who are saying who cares about rude gestures or goofy faces i didn't realize this needed saying but the family photos weren't just for me they were for everyone involved aunts uncles cousins grandparents and all sides etc i can guarantee that none of them want an eight-year-old making the eat out gesture in what is meant to be a nice family photo and edit three it's kind of sad to see so many people assume that because a child has anxiety that i berate them whenever they mess around when taking a photo i never yelled at clem for making silly faces i would simply encourage her to stop and smile but her rude gestures and faces would ramp up but i guess that's what you expect on this sub everyone hates their kids what now in the comments individual ad 92 13 says not the a-hole but why not just give her the old negatives that you did not print so that she can see for herself that's a good idea they're on my computer so it's not like i deleted all the photos of her the issue was that she made some rude gestures or poses in many of them which i'm obviously not comfortable putting on the wall she does know that she messed up pictures with her gestures and poses and obviously can't forget about her aversion to cameras so i don't know why she was so surprised i think it would be a nice gesture if you made her a little album of all of them even if they are ridiculous it's not that there are no pictures it's that there are no traditionally nice pictures they still show her at various ages and show how she was i was the same way growing up and also have very few the ones that exist is silly but i love them and dopey replies i agree i'll do that sounds like pregnancy has made her sentimental i'm guessing the reality that she has nothing to show her child of her life is catching up to her now if she didn't want to take the picture then there should be no surprise when there is no picture this i did something similar to op's daughter when i became a teen due to feeling awful about myself the logic was that if i looked ugly in the picture by pulling a face at least it was due to the face not just me looking ugly and my parents simply kept sneaking pictures of me while i wasn't looking and stanley told me that they wouldn't take the picture again and i had to not pull a face this time at the time i was so annoyed about it but now as an adult it's something i really cherish to be able to share these pictures with my future children op's daughter however will never get that and never get a chance to fix it i can sympathize a lot with how she's likely feeling right now this is so interesting because as a teenage girl i went through a similar thing really hated pictures of myself even removed all the mirrors in my house being a teenage girl is so difficult i hate the pictures that my mother took of me during this time they're so fake and posed i look so unhappy i have no interest in them the ones my friends took of me where i'm laughing or making a face show my personality at that time a lot better which is the point of photos i think i personally think it's a little stupid that op here took such an issue with a teenager acting like a teenager and essentially deleted her from the family for not performing in this way opie cared more about her family's perception than her daughter's feelings and memories sounds like she's more than willing to rectify it so that's great at least and edits from my reading this behavior started around eight to nine years old so there were several intervening years between the beginning of making face and hand gestures and the straight-up refusal to be in pictures at all my guess for that change is that opie's daughter just got sick of being fussed at for three to four years and changed her strategy to refusing to be in pictures at all posted by user love preserving titled am i the a-hole for telling my brother that his crush dislikes him because he is an a-hole not because he's too smart so i have a younger brother 13 who is a child prodigy i won't give too many details but he's well known in the academic circles of our country and attends an institute of higher education naturally people are impressed with his intelligence and he's quite popular and makes friends easily our parents dote on him and have never told him no as a result he's become very arrogant condescending and disrespectful to people he deems below him that's just about everyone lately he's been openly talking about a girl he's crushing on and much to his dismay she's quite unimpressed with him he often complains to my parents and i about his failed attempts to befriend her i understand why she dislikes him on one occasion he invited her over for a school project and i overheard the interaction he was constantly talking over her dismissing her ideas and even calling them stupid 99 percent of the time he was talking about himself and his accomplishments being in news articles what his future plans are etc the poor girl obviously seemed uncomfortable he quizzed her about her career aspirations and when she answered he proceeded to point out it's a bad career path today he was once again complaining about her and said that she's obviously intimidated by his superior intellect he claimed that all girls only like stupid guys and that women are emotional sadly my parents agreed and kept assuring him that this girl is obviously uncomfortable with the fact he's so accomplished and awesome after hearing this nonsense many times i finally told him that his crush dislikes him because he behaves like an obnoxious know-it-all a-hole i explained that he would probably have a chance if he showed some modesty instead of talking down on the scale so much so my parents obviously think i'm an a-hole for saying this they said that it was horrible of me to say this to a 13 year old and that he's just a child i told him that he needs to realize that his personality is becoming a problem and that his crush dislikes him because he's an a-hole not because he's too smart am i the a-hole i think you've well and truly hit the nail on the head with this one he does need to realize if he's going to dish it out as blunt as he did he needs to be told the truth back to his face just as bluntly your parents suck for enabling that behavior i can see perhaps they want him to focus on his career in studies instead of girls but the way they've approached it kind of seems like they're encouraging him to demean girls further and in a way that sort of power trip could just lead him to focus on girls more he's 13 years old putting him in the right path to emotional maturity now will do him a world of good the way he's acting isn't the be-all and end-all of relationships for him but with his parents continually enabling him they may just be setting him up for failure i think you've handled this well and you telling him the truth will only lead to him approaching these situations in a more positive way in the future if he does indeed listen and take your words to heart so i'm gonna go with not the a-hole now in the comments generic name 907 says not the a-hole you actually are doing him a favor for him to learn this lesson now your parents are setting him up for failure regardless of intelligence and ability a huge part of success is also likability and the ability to get along with others i've seen several brilliant people get nowhere because of their complete lack of emotional intelligence this if your parents could take a break from polishing his gold throne maybe they'll stop enabling him to be so obnoxious as he gets older his arrogance will overshadow his intelligence not the a-hole and there's every chance that his age will increase while his intelligence is static or lands in the more normal age range child prodigy does not always translate to genius adults this kid needs something else to fall back on kindness or a good character in case things don't turn out as expected this is an excellent point there are so many stories of child prodigies that don't really have any advantage over more normal people who by the time they're in their 20s or 30s but never learned the social skills and work ethic that their less naturally talented peers developed in the intervening years good social skills can often get you very very far in ways that talent and raw ability can't this reminds me of a scene in the social network you're probably going to be a very successful computer person but you're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd and i want you to know from the bottom of my heart that that won't be true it'll be because you're an a-hole not the a-hole and sometimes the truth hurts i have the exact same quote in my head he may be an intellectual genius but he's incredibly lacking in charisma empathy and social norms if he's as smart as he thinks he is he should be able to recognize these deficiencies recognizing it is also a lot about maturity and at 13 i can't fault him for not having that maturity yet also if you've been told for 13 years that you're god's gift to mankind it takes a while to unlearn that even if you have the mental capacity for that he's basically been brainwashed from a young age if you are constantly told that you are better than others you'll start to believe that it seems like nobody ever challenged him to use his eq it doesn't have to mean he's not capable of having a decent eq he's young enough to learn good social skills if he starts getting on track now not the a-hole your parents are most at fault however they're raising a narcissistic monster they need to teach him manners before it's too late thank you i hate having to be the one to throw out the n-word it's very clear that his lack of self-awareness is a product of the coddling that's exactly how you make an evil genius i get you mean narcissist but the n word is maybe not the ideal way to refer to it he knows exactly what he's doing he just doesn't care posted by user siltaway titled am i the a-hole for telling my wife i would open a separate account if she didn't get our money back so i 39 male have been married to my wife 36 female for 12 years we have no children but we do have a cat and a dog who we consider to be our children my wife has a sister m 37 female who has made very poor financial choices and is now heavily in debt she refuses to get a job and instead jumps from one mlm or get rich quick scam to the next sponging off of relatives to make ends meet both me and my wife work full time we each have separate accounts that we use for our fun money for hobbies or whatever we want we earn almost the same amount of money with me being a little higher so i contribute 60 percent and she contributes 40 to make things fair and also so that we each have about the same amount of fun money we also have a joint checking and savings accounts that we use for the household bills and household emergency funds like when the water heater flooded the basement in the middle of the night both of us have access to the joint accounts and if we need to use it it is never an issue so long as we make sure to tell the other that we used funds from those accounts as i was going through the statements for our joint household accounts i noticed that there was approximately two thousand dollars missing from the joint savings account i noticed that they were all venmo transfers to her sister when my wife came home from work i asked what this was about and she told me her sister needed money to start her own business my wife sat me down and explained to me that her sister joined yet another freaking pyramid scam this time selling fake nails and makeup my wife said that she has the potential to earn six figures a month and if that was true my wife also said that she too was going to join her sister selling these products and if she made enough would quit her job and sell them full time with her sister i told my wife she only needs to go get the money back from her sister where i would open a new account for my share of the household expenses and transfer it to that account when it was time to pay the bills my wife is upset with me and does not understand why i'm being so unsupportive i told my wife that not only did she take money and not tell me about it she invested it into something without even considering how i would feel about it my sister-in-law called me last night and said that i was a raging a-hole and a control freak and that i was stopping my wife from using her full potential i told my sister-in-law that i would support my wife and anything she chooses to do as long as it would not cause financial harm to our family my wife and sister-in-law are both pissed at me and now i feel like an ass am i the a-hole for telling my wife to get the money back this is just like what you hear time and time again on illuminati's channel i don't understand how mlms continue to thrive in today's economy and seem to be stronger than ever like in my mind i just can't comprehend it in the slightest rp seems to be looking out for their partner here who is very much aware of the sisters long history of scams and falling for mlms and targeting friends and family yet the wife in this situation still got sucked in and is now of the belief that they can make a six figure income every month if they push the product hard enough it really just baffles the mind at this point how that worked itself out if your wife refuses to stop enabling that behavior and see things from your point of view i would say morally you're in the clear for making another account to protect your fun money it's all well and good that she wants to support her struggling sister-in-law but instead of doing it from a distance she wants to join her and from where i'm standing it looks like the sister-in-law will start slowly sinking that ship with the both of them on it so far i'm gonna go with not the a-hole for your actions op if that's really what she wants to do then you've just got to let her but definitely separate those fun finances now in the comments family that guy says not the a-hole you don't secretly take money from a joint account you ask as it's family money i would separate accounts your wife is intent on joining a pyramid scheme and will end up losing thousands statistically this is the most likely outcome of pyramid schemes and mlms protect your assets before that happens and edit i would also make it clear to your wife that any money spent on a harebrained pyramid scheme needs to come out of her fun money not the household bills money exactly this that money should never have come from the joint account her decision and her money fine taking joint money for it not a chance opie you are not the a-hole that's the part that baffled me the most and is why op should definitely open a new account they have their own fun money but yet she decides to not use that money and instead transfers a large sum of money from the shared accounts without any communication that screams financially irresponsible to me i would be scared sharing an account with her i'm suspicious she's already used the fun money for the same scheme and is now tapping the family money my first thought too i bet she's already been investing her fun money into the schemes and op just doesn't know as someone who has family members who repeatedly fall into mlm fun money is likely still there and using the joint account instead is probably being openly defended as for our future when really it actually was so not all of the risk was on me alone not the a-hole protect your assets otherwise your wife will be scrounging off others to cover her debts just like your sister-in-law and dragging you down with them both not the a-hole had she spent her own fun money that would be one thing she can do whatever she wants with that she can either get that money back from her sister or use her discretionary income to top up the account but she cannot make unilateral decisions about family funds without your approval unless she's cool with you literally setting two thousand dollars on fire in front of her because you felt like it but why spend her own money when she can just use the shared money don't you know it's an emergency don't you know that she just can't lose her own money what are you thinking sarcasm by the way not the a-hole your wife is ridiculously gullible yes she is but i also want to add the caveats that these mlm companies train people to manipulate and pressure the people in their lives using their existing interpersonal relationships it's definitely gullible for opie's wife to fall for this scam and believe she'll be making six figures a month doing it but her sister presumably someone she loves and trusts is actively weaponizing their close relationship to manipulate her into joining and is doing it with scripts and psychological tricks the company is directly providing her with the wife doesn't want to join because she heard a business proposition she thought was convincing and compelling she wants to join for the emotional reasons tied into guilt obligation and love that the sister is actively milking mlms are really very very cult-like and their reliance on the exploitation of existing social bonds is one reason they persist despite five minutes of google research making it abundantly clear to any thinking person that they're a horrible idea you're absolutely right i also come from a family that is pretty blue collar with some members who are very envious of celebrity and mega-rich lifestyles and want that for themselves they believe that mlm lies and buy into the idea because they want the super rich lifestyle but don't have the education means or ability to possibly ever reach it on their own when they hear tales of making tons of money and going to conferences in tropical places being your own boss and making your own hours they become enamored with the possibilities and see it as their opportunity to finally get a career that is like the one that would have maybe been available to them if they went to college and did the work essentially they're hoping to use the mlm to skip a lot of the steps people take on their way to becoming successful they take advantage of people who can't seem to be content with their current life and have always believed that they were meant for something more the mlm is that chance they're sick parasitic organizations and i would really like the fcc or other regulatory agencies to come down on them much harder posted by user gala kitty titled am i the a-hole for not letting my friend wear my engagement ring okay a little bit of backstory here my fiancee and i have been engaged for about three weeks he got me the most beautiful ring that is exactly what i've always wanted and it fits me perfectly the only time i take my ring off is to apply lotion to my hands i work in the medical field which means lots of hand washing sanitizing and cleaning so my hands get super dry and when i do that i keep it directly in front of me on my desk and with insight at all times i've never had any sort of issues until a couple days ago i have a co-worker with whom i am friendly let's call her t we used to be very close until i figured out that she and i led very different lives and i don't necessarily jive with her morals whatever live and let live i let a little bit of distance form between us but we're still friendly and still talk at the office so naturally i told her that i was engaged and she asked to see my ring she oh and aard at it like most other people in the office and i didn't think much about it but a couple of days ago she approached my desk while i was putting lotion on my hands with my ring laying directly in front of me as usual without asking she reached down and picked up my ring and slipped it onto her own finger instead holding it up and admiring it etc i was flabbergasted i didn't even know what to say and i was so shocked that i just sat there in uncomfortable silence until she made a comment about how it looked so good on her and i commented don't get getting any ideas trying to be lighthearted but also wanting my ring back she eventually took it off and handed it back to me and left i was super uncomfortable with the whole thing but i put it off thinking i was being too sensitive today i was walking past her desk and she asked to see my ring i held out my hand for her to look at it and she began to remove the ring from my finger so i pulled my hand back she got pouty and asked why she couldn't take it off and see it since i had let her before i told her i had not let her do that before she had grabbed it without permission and put it on without even asking if i minded she rolled her eyes at me and said i was being ridiculous i feel like i'm justified to be protective of a ring that represents my fiance's love for me am i the a-hole edit just to be clear tea is not gay although it would in no way bother me if she was she was married to a man the father of her children when i first met her and as i got to know her better i found out she had a lot of side guys while still married and still expecting her husband to take care of her i was being intentionally vague about it before because i didn't feel like it was relevant to the story but since everyone seems very concerned i'm happy to share why i began to distance myself from her i don't think that detail is honestly too relevant to the story outside of the fact that if she's careless and deceptive in her personal relationship that may also translate to her handling of your ring which could end up in her stealing it from you if she finds a way to get it without you being present you're well within your rights to have the emotional reaction to her as you did as it's a sentimental item and you're making extra sure not to damage it or lose it she refused to respect your boundaries when she picked it up and then used that as precedent to see it again that's kind of a dick move by her to guilt trip you like that when you already said you don't want her wearing it i think you handled this well and should continue denying her and being tough in the face of her attitude not the a-hole now in the comments dragonfly825 says not the a-hole i also realize you have to still work with this rude entitled lady so tell her it's bad luck to try on someone else's engagement or wedding ring someone tried to do this to me and i told her the same we really do believe this this you still need to work with this woman this gives you a reason to say no without simply saying you don't want to saying you don't want to is 100 perfectly okay but this option might make things more comfortable at work maybe she should let hr know what happens in the event her ring goes missing this seems pretty excessive and a good way to cause an issue it shouldn't as long as it's a matter of hey i'm not requesting any action but i'm a little nervous things might escalate and i just want to get some advice and maybe establish a timeline these were the events that took place on xy 2021 this was the following interaction and this is how i feel about the whole thing do you have a suggestion on best handling the situation if things continue i'll provide an update thank you it's not crying wolf or getting someone in trouble to mention that an issue may be developing if the woman did get in trouble as a result of the heads up or soft reports then it's likely not the first time people have brought her to hr's attention the ops said they used to be close if the op goes to hr to establish a timeline that is requesting an action she's not being harassed the co-worker friend is overstepping and op knows it going to hr over a personal issue is extreme i see personal issue because as others pointed out it's perfectly acceptable to try on someone else's ring in some cultures op also states she pulled back from the friendship because their morals didn't align maybe if the co-worker is that forward she's not picking up on the rp's subtleties not the a-hole it feels like she's going to take it would you be up for wearing it on a necklace at work that's what i did when i worked in a hospital lab because of all the hand washing and on and off with gloves my ring would sometimes snag gloves and rip them i was hoping someone would suggest this i worked with a lot of nurses and the amount of times i'd see their rings go right through a glove i could never understand why they didn't put them on a chain during work i'm surprised it's even allowed it's not where i work there is an absurd amount of bacteria under a ring after wearing it a whole day i work as a dental hygienist and would have been fired on the spot if i wore a ring when i meet patients this was exactly my take definitely not the a-hole for her response to her colleague but i'm horrified she's wearing a ring to work and is allowed to if hygiene isn't a sufficient reason for opie to switch to wearing it on a necklace i'm a research scientist by training and on more than one occasion had to go through the hazard waste to find colleagues rings that had come off inside gloves in a clinical setting it's unlikely you'd be able to do that or possibly not know which bin to search even if she were able and not the a-hole if she wants to try on engagement rings then she can go to a jewelry store why anyone would think it's okay to just grab someone else's ring and put it on is beyond me posted by user nista language titled am i the a-hole for not telling my daughter's mother her secret words alcastar me male 36 my daughter clara female 12 my ex-wife sarah female37 few backstory details sarah and i got married when clara was born and separated when she was six years old clara spends her time 50 50 between us with two weeks split we both live in the same city so her friends in schooling are consistent not constantly switching back and forth the event in question this all started when i read the hobbit by j.r.r tolkien to clara two years ago we talked about how he was a linguist and it actually created several languages from scratch for the story this captured my daughter's imagination she has been obsessed with linguistics ever since and i've been happy to provide as many texts and information as i can almost all of it is for higher level students but i do my best to help her understand it i'm definitely not a linguist and she definitely knows more than me at this point for about a year she's been creating her own language which she calls nista i think that's the spelling it is only verbal this language isn't just english with different sounds for the different words it is actually a new language she's created different conjugations syntax and grammar just one example is a bunch of different suffixes to indicate emotion that can be attached to any word clara and i speak nista together for probably about sixty percent of our conversations it's the highlight of my entire life i cannot believe how creative my daughter is sarah remarried five years ago and i haven't been in a relationship since we divorced clara prefers her time at mine something i definitely don't encourage i want her to be happy at both but she's never been comfortable around her stepdad and step brother i think he's around the same age as her but i'm not positive i knew that clara had never taught sarah any nesta which i was selfishly kind happy about i loved having this language that only me my daughter and her friends shared however when sarah dropped clara off this week she informed me that she hasn't spoken anything but that gobbledygook for the entire two weeks she was with her sarah then demanded that i teach her the secret words i refused and explained that if sarah wanted her to know any nista i stressed its name because sarah kept disparaging it she would have taught her it i then closed the door in her face sarah texted me saying there could be an emergency and that she would need to know i said that she still knows english if there is an emergency i've talked to her teachers at school her english teacher said that clara has shown her the language but only briefly in all of her classes including english she speaks english thinking it over i don't know if i did the right thing or not this is a massive part of her own daughter's life and one that she isn't letting her mother into she's told me that she wants to go to college for linguistics so this isn't anything temporary so reddit am i the a-hole at the end of the day it's your daughter's language really and if she doesn't want to share that with her mother then this is an intentional and consistent choice there's been years and countless opportunities to involve her mother and she's chosen not to bridge that gap we all obviously don't understand that interpersonal relationship between the two but the elephant in the room would suggest that your daughter doesn't trust her it doesn't seem like it's your place to brief her or nista and bring her into the club that should be something those two sort out between each other nothing much else to add to that conversation myself i'm just gonna go with not the a-hole now in the comments snakes can't wear pants says no a-holes here here's the thing it's not really hard to guess why clara prefers your house kids don't generally like it when their parents move on after a divorce a lot of the times it feels like a betrayal to them sarah has done this and clara isn't happy with it she doesn't want another parent and sibling she wants her parents you haven't dated so in her eyes at least you are the only parent who is completely devoted to her i know it bothers you that sarah seems so unsupportive of clara's language but to you it's a purely happy thing an example of your child's brilliance and creativity for sarah it's a constant reminder that clara prefers you and that she is being excluded from a big part of her child's life that's not your fault but i'm sure you can see why that makes her a bit resentful of the language especially after two weeks clara using it intentionally to alienate her all that being said i don't think you should teach sarah the language to clara it will be a massive betrayal and it won't solve the problem of why she's doing this do the best you can to encourage a positive relationship with her mom and step family communicate as much as possible with sarah about how clara is doing and what's going on in her life and get clara into some counselling if you can to help deal with her feelings i think the solution here is to help get clara to the point where she's not wanting to alienate herself from her mom and step family anymore if you just take away her means she will simply find a new way to do it and be that much angrier at all of you endo p replies this is an extremely insightful comment thank you no problem i'm a child of multiple divorces so the teen resentment thing is very familiar i did something similar where i didn't really make up a language but just warped english enough so my parents couldn't understand it and only spoke to my older sister most of the time no snakes can't wear pants love your username this is really insightful you speak from a place of experience from the child's perspective for the benefit of the child which is of paramount importance i was going to say it's not his problem if the daughter does not get on with her mom but it is his problem for the sake of the beautiful well-adjusted human he is bringing up thank you for sharing no a-holes here agree with all of this perhaps talk to clara and ask her why she chose to speak nista at her mom's house when she knows no one there understands it get her thinking about her feelings so that she can express them perhaps related to how she would feel if people around her were speaking a language she couldn't understand also maybe speak to her mum about some family therapy on that end to help improve the relationships assuming that hasn't already or isn't already happening this was the one addition i had it's fine if she doesn't want to share the language with her mom and step family but while staying with them she should be respectful and speak english not the a-hole you sound like a great dad and she sounds like an awesome kid as long as she is doing well in school and socially i wouldn't worry sounds like things are becoming an issue with the other house though you might want to talk to her about what's going on and how she's feeling and opie replies that's definitely true she's having stronger and stronger feelings about not wanting to be there clara was an only child in your marriage and can be won at your home having to share parents time as well as dealing with a step sibling is hard i'm guessing that nista blocks out the step sibling as much as her mom it also allows her to continue to be an only when your ex-wife then became a stepmom that creates its own dynamic and can make it feel unequal for your daughter step kids are either doted on or forgotten it feels like your home doesn't have that not only is she not an only at mum's house but she's a part-time kid she probably feels left out of the family dynamic after being away for two weeks and this gives her a way to control that in a way not the a-hole as it's your child's creation and she's free to share it with whoever she wants it's not your obligation to teach your ex that being said a conversation with your daughter about when it's appropriate to use the language may be in order refusing to talk to her mother in english is not a good thing and in 12 she's old enough to realize what she's doing and opie replies yeah she definitely knew what she was doing she told me that she wanted to make them feel how she feels around them sounds like a bigger custody conversation is due if that's the case if she's not happy there then it may be in her best interest to change to a different schedule and dopey replies that could certainly be the case but i'm terrified of it backfiring and getting less time it was incredibly difficult for me to get 50 percent well she's in an age now where the courts should take her opinion into consideration but understanding the root of her unhappiness might help is her nose out of joint because she's no longer the sole child in the house some one-on-one time with her mother might go some way to rectifying that situation counselling may also help blending two families takes a lot of time and work if her mother just thinks that it'll sort itself out then this is likely to get worse p replies my ex's new father-in-law is a judge on the family court i know that shouldn't affect anything but i'm certain it would you aren't wrong unfortunately i feel like there's got to be some kind of way to get a different judge due to his personal connection to your ex making him potentially biased oh i don't think we would get him as our judge but they all sit on the same bench i think that's the term posted by user insufficient data 4884 titled am i the a-hole for telling the truth to our daughter about what is and isn't for girls hi all my wife and me have one daughter named freya she's five and a lovely kid when she was born she decided that while we wouldn't go full gender neutral we wouldn't push her into being more traditionally feminine or masculine as it stands freya has a variety of interests she loves playing football with me outside and i've even taught her some light boxing she also has an entirely pink room and loves trying on dresses and playing around with makeup we do our best to avoid saying that certain things are four boys and four girls and just want her to do things that she enjoys obviously she's a bright kid and inevitably she's asking questions about what she sees for herself i was watching a match and freya asked him if football was meant for boys because we always see men playing it on tv and in her school only boys play etc i hesitated but in the end said that yes football is mostly played by boys freya asked if it was bad that she likes playing it but i said she could play what she wants my wife was really unhappy with me because we'd already agreed that we wouldn't give her a traditional upbringing i agreed with her but we also can't treat our daughter like an idiot she's noticed this and if we lie she'll know that we're lying to her i'm perfectly happy for her to be whatever she wants but i also want to treat her with respect and not sugarcoat things which will ultimately make things worse in the long run am i the a-hole rp has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole i told my daughter the truth that some things are traditionally seen as four boys and four girls i think the issue here in my mind is how you worded your response and didn't give her really any reassurance about the football thing she asked you if it was bad that she likes playing football and instead of saying no of course not it's great you like playing football and your mother and i are so proud of you you said i don't know man you can do what you want that just sounds like saying yes it is bad that she likes playing football but with extra steps obviously that's me putting words in your mouth but that's how i'd feel if i was your daughter this is obviously a very minor thing to be nitpicking but i think the onus is on you for straying from your parenting agreement in a sense with your wife you were doing so well so far and you dropped the ball with this one it's not the end of the world by any stretch of the imagination just one bump along the way in raising your child so i guess you're the a-hole but not in a screw-you kind of way but more like come on man think before you talk now in the comments son of a gunderson says gentle you're the a-hole girls play football everywhere yes tv focuses on the boys game but you could just have easily clarified that it's just tv i think op is referring to american football while there are some women playing it's a minuscule amount compared to boys men playing it's a factual statement that being said it doesn't mean it's for any sex in particular a college in the us has a female kicker and a high school in hawaii starting quarterback is a girl but both these cases have been widely reported due to their uniqueness no a-holes here and edits several people have pointed out the use of the word match i missed that reading this yesterday i agree that term isn't a common term in the us game is used instead if op was referring to soccer then he's a massive a-hole i just couldn't imagine anyone saying that about soccer and therefore assumed american football no a-holes here but i think it could have been worded better as you told her it's for boys you told her that it's not for her she shouldn't be doing it if she's old enough to notice the difference she's probably old enough for a simple version on societal gender expectations you and your wife sit down and figure out how to have this talk you say something like some people think football is only for boys they're silly and wrong plenty of girls also play football pull up some videos of women's football teams or stories of girls playing on their school team i agree is football meant for boys can easily be answered no saying yes because men's football is more popular than women's is not in line with the way op claims they're raising their kid yep it's kind of a weird approach that op took during her infancy and toddlerhood avoided having letting society force strict pink and blue gender roles upon her so that she's innocent and free to explore her interests and then wham just kidding you were doing boys only stuff all along lol it would have made more sense to say that yes you're correct to notice that you see a lot more boys playing football and girls wearing makeup that's because we live in a society etc etc and jennifer says lightly you're the a-hole i have the same approach to parenting my son but i think when it comes to times like this that it's important to point out how football is mostly seen as a men's sport by society but that it shouldn't be like that use these moments to explain how differently society treats male and female athletes she may be young but i promise it helps kids learn my son is seven and just in the past couple weeks i've heard him complain about certain things being gendered and how much it bothers him posted by user vicki0034 titled am i the a-hole for leaving in an uber after what my husband did at the restaurant so me 31 female and my husband 35 male have been married for 14 months he's a middle school teacher very close to his family and loves to help out but can be firm at times he adores his 1.2 year old niece his sister's baby he always babysits whenever he's got nothing to do i help with whatever i can we haven't gotten out for a nice dinner in a while i asked if we could go out to a new restaurant and try their food and have a good time together he agreed and i immediately made reservations and took care of everything since i couldn't take the day off i left work early and went to meet him there at the restaurant i walked in and saw my husband sitting and his niece in a car seat by the table i asked and he said his sister had work and wanted him to watch his niece his family were out of town so there was no one else besides him i noticed the restaurant staff were giving us looks since it was not a child-friendly restaurant and i was worried the baby would cry or something she was asleep then we ordered our meals while he was calming his niece down because she was crying out loud he kept asking the waitress about stuff they don't have for his niece i couldn't take the looks from people unable to enjoy their meals because of the noise my husband's niece was making especially when he started singing you're welcome from the moana movie while swinging her i got up to the restroom and a few minutes later i heard him arguing loudly i went out there and saw that he was actually trying to change his niece's diaper on the table the waitress was arguing with him i was in shock the manager came after my husband said he'd take a minute to get it done the manager spoke to me and asked me to leave eventually i was livid we left and i blew up outside i asked my husband why the table while people were eating i told him that he could have told me about the niece otherwise i wouldn't have picked a restaurant that doesn't allow infants that he embarrassed me he ruined dinner and he got us kicked out started arguing with me like i was one of his students after i refused to get in the car giving me a 0 out of 10 for my reaction and claiming i picked a bad restaurant he said that he was helping his sister and i needed to understand that after the argument i took an uber and went home he went to his sister's house and called saying i shouldn't have left like that and i made him guilty for wanting to help but i didn't respond edits i just want to say that my husband is the one who insists on taking his niece he doesn't consider this babysitting he just loves to be with her and take care of her he said he wants us to adopt since it's our only way of having children medical reasons he absolutely adores kids so i understand his bond with his niece but the restaurant incident was blamed on me he thinks my reaction was over the top and honestly i have no idea why he thinks people should mind their own business when he's behaving like that in a public place this man willingly chose to bring a one-year-old to a restaurant with a no child policy when he knew that you wouldn't agree to it in the first place and instead of having the decency to go to the other toilets and change the diaper of the child he decides to do it on the table and argue with the restaurant staff about it's only taking a minute and that they're all acting crazy like when he's doing that the look of whatever ends up in those diapers is one thing but god damn this smell that comes out of it would be enough for me as a patron to never come to that restaurant again because for that child to even be there in the first place i would assume that they're just willingly allowing people to break those rules in that place this incident is entirely on your husband and this is honestly something that i can imagine can break an entire marriage he didn't care about you at all during this entire event and he turns the blame for it on you for being embarrassed and leaving yikes not the a-hole now in the comments not the a-hole who the f changes a baby at a table and not in the restroom when they're in public why does he act like his niece is his kid and bring her everywhere especially when it's clear you're trying to have some time with just you and your husband he absolutely embarrassed the hell out of you and furthermore tried to make you feel guilty for picking a nice restaurant when you are under the reasonable assumption that you could have a nice dinner you need to have some serious talks with your husband and your sister-in-law regarding boundaries and child care because this is 100 not okay edit i am aware that many men's restrooms still don't possess changing tables however you can either take the baby to the car or change them on the floor of the restroom as other users have suggested or use the family restroom if one is available there is zero excuse for changing the baby on the table of a restaurant and introducing a biohazard where everyone else is eating you'd be surprised i saw somebody actually do it at a dining table at a county fair the owner of the place saw them through the mirrors he had wisely set up and came out screaming justifiably and they actually argued with him and the restrooms of both genders had the changing tables holy crap that's disgusting and they argued with the owner that's even worse like go to the bathroom with the kid nobody wants to deal with the crap stank while they're eating i had a friend tell me about a parent changing their baby's diaper at the table while he and his fiance were eating dinner i can't even understand how people lack the respect and common decency to do that i saw someone do that at a restaurant once and they left the dirty diaper in the empty bread basket on the table for the server to find if it makes you feel any better i'm a waitress and they would definitely not be allowed to return if i had to deal with this my policy for anything crap related not the a-hole he should have told you so you could have gone somewhere else to eat also changing diapers in the middle of the restaurant is absolutely not acceptable entop replies first of all i'm sorry for the late response and yes exactly that's what bothered me he could have simply let me know i did not expect this from him it's the first time i've seen him do it i told him about how others felt while they were eating and the issue is he says he doesn't care and that they should just mind their own business but this is a public place he claims that i'm against the idea of him spending time with his niece but that's not true you know the world does not revolve around him and he sounds defensive do you want to spend the rest of your life being kicked out of restaurants if you adopt think hard about it this is absolutely unacceptable behavior hello nuclear option i agree that splitting would be nuclear 100 but i do think op should consider how he acts with the child he cares for in different environments when they have kids the fact that he saw nothing wrong with changing the diaper on the table to the point of arguing with staff about it is something that would concern me if i was thinking about having a kid with someone this can be fixed by opie's husband apologizing and never pulling this crap again and in regards to the telling you that he was gonna bring the niece you could go somewhere else to eat no you expect him to abide by the commitments he has made you as your husband i.e you come first which means communicating with you when something changes such as a request from sister-in-law to babysits asking him to spend quality time with you shouldn't be a hard concept putting his family before you is not reasonable if he's doing so without consulting you asking for some one-on-one time out of the house isn't a big ask expecting him to remember you became his immediate family units when he married you is not a big ask sister is part of his close family and can and should be considered but not at the expense of his marriage he needs to get his priorities straight he made a commitment to go to dinner with you not to go to dinner with his niece if he wants to change that arrangement he tells you before doing so posted by user throw away liv sask titled am i the a-hole for telling my daughter to stop crying because this wasn't about her i have a 28 year old daughter and a 33 year old son i remarried one year ago to my wife 30 female and i had told her while dating that i was in my 60s and wasn't aiming to have more kids for the past few weeks my wife has started acting strange and said she felt sick and tired the other day my wife and i were visiting my daughter and her boyfriend who just got an apartment together my wife was on edge the whole time finally she bloated out that she found out that she's pregnant she looked apprehensive so i asked why she was treating this like bad news she said she wasn't sure how i'd feel about the news so i told her that it was unexpected but that especially recently i've come to really value children in a way that i couldn't when i was younger and was either away from home altogether or working 13-hour days six days a week i told her that my business is very much hands off now and this time around i have time and resources and am so excited to devote that to our child's and that i would do everything to make our child the happiest child with the happiest family my daughter was in the adjacent room but i didn't notice that she had walked in she started sniffling and when i asked what was wrong she started full-on crying she currently said congratulations and started walking out i caught up with her in the hallway and she spun around and said great to see that you've finally calmed down dad if only it happened 25 years ago and not just because of age i told her that i was only trying to make my wife feel better and that she didn't have to cry and yell because this wasn't about her this was about letting an anxious woman i loved know that she and her child would want for nothing and worry about nothing she looked furious and said yeah this is about a kid who's going to get a chill indulgent dad and a happy mom because he got him the second time around after that my wife and i left because we knew we weren't welcome at the moment am i the a-hole for defending what i said and for telling my daughter that this really has nothing to do with her and everything to do with a baby i intend to be a great dad too opie has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a-hole i think my words did to a certain extent come off as invalidating her feelings i think if i did it over i wouldn't demand she stop crying because i know she's had a lot of unhappy thoughts over the years so you know that you're invalidating her feelings and instead of addressing it now and realizing it was really messed up for you to say that you would only tell her not to cry because she's had unhappy thoughts over the years you don't acknowledge the fact that perhaps you're the source of those unhappy thoughts and she's well within her rights to be upset at you for causing it and not dealing with the situation in a more positive way there has to be something wrong with you because anyone reading this just knows everything you did in this situation completely lacked social awareness even your wife who you claim to love and cherish is walking on eggshells around you the way you phrase everything you've done here and your past makes me think that you cause everyone around you to have extreme anxiety that's not healthy how are you this old and still this much of a problem to everyone you're the a-hole now in the comments you're the a-hole yes you were just trying to make your wife feel better but in the process you insinuated that this child would be more loved and wanted than your daughter was within earshot of her i bet that stung she wanted to talk to you about how her feelings were hurt you should have said you were sorry her feelings are valid that you didn't mean to hurt her feelings and that you were just trying to make your wife feel better instead you immediately dismissed her very rational feelings when you're the one who said the very tasteless thing in your daughter's home when someone is telling you their feelings are hurt it's crazy mean and insensitive to tell them why they shouldn't be and the old your wife is the same as your children it's even worse one of his children is actually older than his wife like what the actual f his oldest son was just turning three when his now wife was born insane and edits didn't expect to get this many replies and upvotes in the first place but thanks to this thread i was reminded of the hilarious meet your second wife snl sketch imagine taking your infant to daycare looking around and being like i will marry that one in 30 years oh [Laughter] ah the old president grover cleveland you're the a-hole the way you made your wife feel better hurt your daughter's feelings as it made her feel that you cared more about your new wife than you ever have about her unfortunately this was compounded when your reaction to her upset was to prove that your wife's happiness is more important to you than your daughters you said i'm glad this time around i'll be a better father and your daughter said i'm upset because you were never a good father and never acknowledged that to me and then you said you don't matter your feelings are not important to me right now what is important is my wife's feelings because she is pregnant with a child i will actually love that's what your daughter heard very well put refusing to acknowledge how you treated someone is death for a relationship also the wife was just ridiculous making that announcement at his daughter's home if she really thought he was going to be unhappy why do it in a public setting like that i'm glad i'm not the only one who thought that i guess it was stressing her out but i can think of tons of more private places to tell my partner i'm pregnant probably to prevent him from reacting poorly to ensure everybody knows she's pregnant so she can't be pressured to discreetly do something about it posted by user baksu squad titled am i the a-hole for telling my grandma that i didn't like the dress that she got me so i female 15 just got a dress from my grandma she said she felt that i'd want another dress since i don't own any it's one of those dresses that have a lot of fluff puffy shoulders a bow in the back and it was a beautiful red white combination you know a church dress i told her that i really appreciated the dress but that it really wasn't my style she understood and she said she should have asked me before she got me something because she wasn't sure i told her it was okay and that i'd wear the dress at my christmas chorus performance because of the color scheme she said she appreciated the fact that i'd even wear it apparently one of my cousins female 16 threw a fit over the dress that she got so that made my grandma cautious of giving me my dress my mom said i should have said that i loved it anyways i told her that i didn't want to lie to my grandmother and that it was disrespectful she yelled at me and said that i was disrespecting her by not doing what she said now i feel bad for telling my grandma how i feel about the dress am i the a-hole for telling my grandmother truth or should i have lied i don't think lying would have been the way to go in this situation sure you can please air for a short amount of time and also make your mom happy by doing this but it won't reflect in your actions you wouldn't be seen wearing that dress all too often and that would then upset your grandmother just because your mother wants you to do something that doesn't make it the right thing to do in this situation i would love to know why she was so adamant in pushing that decision on you honestly all in all i'm gonna go with not the a-hole on this one now in the comments viola violavetch75 says not the a-hole telling her was the respectful thing to do and she'll be pleased that you're wearing it for your performance perhaps you can suggest that next year you can go shopping together so she can get a sense for what your style is and have a nice outing together as teenagers grow up and figure out their own style it can be distancing for older relatives if you love her and want to build a relationship that lasts as you become an adult then it's good to have these conversations and give her the opportunity to know who you are as a person it sounds like your grandmother respected your honesty and that you didn't yell at her not the a-hole your mum is the a-hole here you handled the situation with grace tact and maturity your mother should be proud that you didn't have a tantrum like your cousin not scolding you for telling the truth not the a-hole and it sounds like your grandma appreciated your honesty and willingness to wear the dress for your performance in no way were you disrespectful your mother on the other hand is stuck in the mentality of a dictator i.e do it because i said so that's no way to maintain a good relationship with your teenager and now on to the update so i've taken all of your advice and have sent my grandmother pictures of me and the dress after my performance which went well she said she was happy to see me in it and she enjoyed the video of my performance i also ended up liking the dress once i actually put it on it has a nice vintage vibe to it that i love as for my mom she's still upset that i didn't lie but that's on her christmas is in two days and i'm planning on sending my grandma some copies of my baby pictures as a thank you for the dress i really appreciate all of your supportive comments and advice for this problem i wish you all a very merry christmas a happy holidays and a happy new years good riddance to 2020. now in the comments beautiful mistake says as a grandparent i would much rather have my grandchildren tell me the truth than lie that way i'm not spending money on things that they hate i think you sending pictures is a really sweet idea happy holidays i feel like that about any gifts i give like if you don't like it just tell me just give the person receiving the gift an option to exchange it for something else that's why big store bought is better glad it worked out well didn't you say she actually fixed an old dress for you i'm so happy you had an occasion to use it and appreciated the vintage touches she did it was her dress from when she was around my age that's very cool she's going to cherish this memory take good care of it a dress like that will last and last if you care for it correctly and you may love it madly when you're an adult find a good tailor and you can size it and update it as needed you're a good kid i love my grandma a little too much to hurt her so i'm biased i'd wear the ugliest thing she bought me just to make her happy because at the end of the day it was her choice to get it while hoping i'd like it it's a way we can create another happy memory to laugh at when we get reminded of it of course not everyone's relationship with their grandparents are the same i'd say most people would do what you've said i think it's a special kind of bond when a teen can be politely and respectfully honest with their grandparents and actually allow them to get to know and understand them and their likes a little better so in future there will be gifts that are truly appreciated posted by user don't publish throw away titled would i be the a-hole if i told my mom i didn't want her to publish my group's research paper so my mom's passion is education and going to school she is what i recently learned is called a professional student all throughout my life my mom was always going to school while working on jobs even through my dad's cancer diagnosis and eventual death in 2013 my mum got so sick we had to move so i could live with family while my mom went to get medical help this meant she never finished getting her phd a fact that makes her still a little sad to this day eventually my mom was able to get well enough that after my first year of community college i was able to move back in with her so the family i was living with could move in with their daughter fast forward to now i'm going for my bachelor's i'm taking media research class and still living at home my mum got excited to hear i was taking this class because research methods was my mum's minor in grad school things started off fairly normal i would ask for help understanding the lecture material from my mom then i would consult with her on the group research project suddenly she was taking over and doing everything for this project for me something she likes to do often with my schoolwork despite me telling her no but with this came her saying maybe i could contact my old university and see if they would let me finish my phd or i wish i could have finished it last night the final research paper was due when it was all said and done she told me my group had a publishable paper on our hands if we edited some more i went oh really and just brushed it off that is until today when i come home from work to my mum having a weekly telehealth therapy appointment while i was in the bathroom changing out my uniform i could hear my mum talking about the paper she had said i was going to ask their group about publishing their paper and if they wanted off the paper i could remove their names if they didn't want to be on the paper i would ask ex professor or y professor two of my professors if they want to be on the paper i could even ask just to have the research and publish myself she also went on to say that she really wanted to be a part of this independent researchers group but needed to have published something in the last five years to join it's one of her goals hearing this last part didn't sit well with me i don't see this paper as publishable even with changes and just want this hellish project behind me long story short group dynamics made the group awful to work with reddit would i be the a-hole if i told my mum i didn't want this research paper to be published and edit forgot to mention why i think i would be the a-hole i think i might be because what skin off my back would it be to see if it could be and then it turns out to get rejected there are plenty of places for undergrads to submit to and some of them include places that are open source so for the betterment of research in understudied areas like our research is in that was a lot of words but i get the general gist of what you're going with here if you look at it to the betterment of understudied areas then maybe yeah not having this published could potentially be a detriment because i'm sure having something out there is better than nothing realistically though it's not her place to be publishing this one this sounds like it's being spurred on by her inability to finish her phd and her regrets are driving her to fixate on being able to publish this one if she bends some rules this isn't her decision to make and that discussion should stay between her and her telehealth advisor it's unfortunate that she deems it able to be published and she believes in it but you and your group obviously don't it's the right call to shut her down and i don't think that makes you an a-hole so i'm saying not the a-hole now in the comments deleted says not the a-hole don't let her publish it your mom is waiting to take you and your group's paper and pass it off as her own and take the credit this is plagiarism if i'm reading this right it seems like your mum wants to live through you taking credit for you and your group's work for her benefits that's plagiarism and could hurt not just her but your education if it came out that you were even involved in something like that they call that academic fraud if that is right then i would absolutely put my foot down and flat out to tell her no end of story not the a-hole and now on to the update here's a quick update on what has happened i talked to my mom about overhearing her talk about wanting to publish my group's research paper she at first didn't get why i didn't want her to she even dismissed me and said she didn't want to talk about it though later my mom did come to me and say not to worry about her publishing my group's research paper she said she saw some design flaws and would replicate the study if she was seriously going to attempt to publish a paper i'm satisfied with this answer i don't have to worry about her publishing my work and i can finally put this project behind me and in the comments vegetable southern 100 says just read your previous post yeah she's lying keep your research paper as far away from her as you can also i don't know what op means exactly by an independent research group but her not having a phd will be a much bigger barrier than not having published in the last five years your publication list is the question that comes after do you have a phd she sounds really deluded and if she publishes this paper replicated or otherwise without fully and properly acknowledging the contribution of her son at al she'll be committing plagiarism there are some that do allow people with just a bs to join i looked into a few because it's a really good thing in my company to be able to publish some papers long story but i'm one of like two people in my market that don't have a degree at all not exactly impossible for me to publish a paper but certainly doesn't make it easy i would kindly but firmly let her know that if for some reason the paper in any form got published you and your teammates would report the academic dishonesty and plagiarism also does she think your professor and groupmates are all going to have amnesia and not recognize the research i know right she basically admitted that she was going to plagiarize op's study replicating a study is not the same as plagiarizing work you can replicate a published study by acknowledging the original work and highlighting what elements of the research designer your own and which and not since the original study isn't published i think it would be possible for op's mother to clarify that she had been involved in a project that did not result in a paper and how much of the work comes from that project i'm not saying that op's mom is definitely going to do any of this for all i know she really does want to plagiarize but i'm just clarifying that replication isn't plagiarism if anything we should be encouraging more replication in most scientific fields as there isn't nearly enough of it posted by user shopaholic a-hole titled am i the a-hole for spending way more money on one niece's gift than the other and then refusing to spend equal amounts on them after one of their mothers asked me to so i 42 female have two nieces jessica and jane both of which are 18 female i've always been a lot closer to jessica than to jane so this issue between me and jane and her mother mary has been brewing for quite a while i don't think this is my fault part of it is just natural because jessica and i enjoy similar things but also jane often makes the conscious decision to exclude herself as in i will invite her and she says no but she still gets upset that the end result is that i am closer to jessica as does mary now that the girls are older i find it a lot easier to just ask them up front what they want for christmas usually they both give me a short list of things they like and they pick something both of them listed gift cards for shops this year so i thought great i'll buy them each a gift card in a box of chocolates or something i bought jeans and then went to buy jessica's and here's where i may have screwed up the shop she sent me to was amazing but very expensive like i said we both enjoy the same things and one of those things is clothes one of the dresses in particular was gorgeous and i knew jessica would love it but a gift card for 25 pounds what i got jane wouldn't even cover an eighth of the cost i adored the dress and my first thought was how excited she'd be to unwrap it so i ordered it as a bit of an impulse decision we have an uncles and dance group chat where we share what we got for the kids so there is no crossover i said that i'd bought a gift card from shop x for jane and a dress from shop y for jessica a small alarm bell did ring here but i presumed that like me none of the other adults would recognize the brand however mary did some investigating and was fuming that i spent so much on jessica's gift accusing me of favoritism and some others did perhaps fairly agree that it was crappy to have such a monetary gap in between the presents i said i'd get jane something else from her list so she had a bigger present too but mary said that i should buy enough from jane's list to make up the financial gap i said that a i could buy jane's entire list and not fill the gap and b that makes it a precedent and i just cannot afford that amount of money to go towards every child since jane and jessica are similar in age in this older history i'm happy to add an extra gift and i did ask mary if there was something more expensive that she usually expects that i could add to the gift card so she also gets a big gift but mary is still angry and freezing me out i think she's told jane the rest of the family are determinedly not taking sides as it's now got very messy i don't know what to do am i the a-hole if you keep the dress and don't make this fair for both girls when the precedent has always been that they get the same amount then yes you are the a-hole for breaking that without good reason it is favoritism and it's leading to a lot of unnecessary drama inside the family that they obviously want no part in this is on you because you started it and now you don't know if you want to fix it or not you had the choice to just get the gift card but decided to buy something for more than 200 pounds buy your own words you said the gift card wouldn't cover 1 8th so i'm just following the paper trail of maths that you left behind morally you suck for doing this so yes if you're happy to continue with this reputation you've started for yourself then keep going my judgment is you're the a-hole now in the post opie has left an edit and says okay thanks to everyone i can't bring myself to return the dress but i think i'll put it aside as jessica's parents won't have told her anything and give it to her on another occasion what i'd like to do is get jessica something else for about 25 pounds and then their present will be equal i also wouldn't be opposed to buying jane a large gift that she'll really like if someone can direct me to something like that in time i am very much hoping that i'm wrong about mary telling jane what happened because then she'll still probably feel hurt but honestly if mary's told jane i don't think any changes to the gifts themselves will resolve it i'll order jessica something else and then call mary to apologize and check if jane knows i think if she does i'll call to explain myself and apologize and update i was able to talk to mary last night unfortunately i was right about her telling jane i really don't know why and she said that she and her husband had already bought jane the big things she asked for this year but i should ask jane for what else she wanted jane says that she doesn't want anything else and also that she does not want to do anything together i'm not sure if that's because she generally doesn't like spending time with me or because she's hurt probably a combination of both so i'll try again once she's had time to cool down i've ordered a pair of 21 pound earrings for jessica so their presents on the day should be equal and i'll give her the dress next year maybe for her birthday or when she's finished her a-levels or something thank you to everyone who made a comment especially those who offered constructive insight into how i could try and repair a relationship or how i might have interpreted jane's feelings incorrectly now in the comments la rochelle says you're the a-hole you're not just playing favorites you're shoving it in everyone's faces holy cow the dress was 200 pounds versus the 25 pound gift card how the f could that not be considered favoritism big you're the a-hole you're the a-hole a fifty to sixty percent difference in price is okay eight hundred percent plus is just extreme a special bond with one doesn't mean blatantly showing you think one is worth much more than the other what's the price difference here double what jane got triple the fact that you said you could buy everything on jane's list and still not spend the same amount is worrying tiny difference is fine buying an expensive designer dress for one and an impersonal 25 pound gift card for the other is not your favoritism is showing you're the a-hole look i get it i'm closer with my niece than i am with my nephew but i really really do get it but if kids notice and they do then eighteen-year-olds will definitely notice even if you come up with a story or something like oh i got it on sale or something like that jane will still notice and it will still be crappy learn something about what jane likes put in a modicum of effort there and be the adult and learn about her out of curiosity why couldn't you look at the shop jane sent you to with the same effort that you put into looking at jessica's choice gift giving is about considering the other person put in the same effort screw the price but the effort and thought should be the same endop replies this time my plan was just to order the gift cards but the shop jessica likes automatically takes you to their newest collection and i was easily drawn in because i liked the design so much in the moment it really was completely impulsive and unintentional in a general sense though with jane i tend to stick with what she explicitly tells me to buy because i'm far more likely to get her something that she doesn't want or need even if i'm on the right side i do just know jessica much better you're still showing more interest in jessica than jane and that is the issue you blaming her for that is just childish also you just made jessica's gift about you and what you're drawn to and like you're not making yourself sound like less of an a-hole here and opie replies my intention wasn't at all to blame either niece for why i ended up looking at the dresses and reading over my comments i still don't see where i've done that but i fully understand that i screwed up price wise and also that i was definitely influenced by the fact that i also fell in love with this shop jessica directed me too no you do blame her you didn't put the she self-excludes line in your original post by accident and opie replies i don't blame her for that i'm aware that most young girls have things they'd rather be doing than hanging out with their aunties but of course i think and most people would agree with me that it's a natural consequence that if you spend time with someone you become closer to them and vice versa i wanted to clarify that i've always invited jane and it isn't because i don't ask her to come that we spend less time together i would guess that jane can sense that you don't like her as much as jessica and this is why she doesn't want to hang out with you it's not fun being the third wheel although they are 18 now this all stems from when they were younger it's on the adult to make both kids feel equally loved and valued and i imagine that you failed to do that and this is the reason you were not so close to jane endop replies you could be right but i think that she doesn't want to hang out with me because a a lot of teenage girls don't want to spend time with family especially their old aunts and b she's not particularly keen on me i don't think she pulled away because she sensed that i liked jessica more than her because i didn't at that stage jessica was still willing to come out with me so we spent far more time together and the interests jane ended up developing i can't really engage with that's why now that they're 18 i know and get on with jessica so much better and now on to the update i thought i'd write out an update now that the situation has been resolved as a thank you to reddit thanks to everyone in the last post knocking some sense into me i gave them equal christmas gifts i decided to give jessica the dress when she got her a level results it has just been decided that her year won't be taking exams but she still has a results day so i think it'll be fine i sent jane her 25 pound gift card jessica a pair of 21 pound earrings and some slippers for both many commenters pointed out that jane had rejected spending time with me during her teenage years which are typically very turbulent and that doesn't mean we can't have an adult relationship however jane was very upset with me still as her mother had told her about the dress so my plan was to let things blow over and then try and reach out to her again she remained understandably hurt leading up to the christmas period and unfortunately ended up lashing out at jessica she commented something unkind on an instagram post and jessica naturally retaliated especially as she was confused as to what her cousin was talking about it turned into a messy online fight and many of jessica's friends came to her defense quite cruelly in some cases at which point i got a phone call from mary about how her daughter was being bullied because of me i messaged jane to check that she was okay and to ask her to remember that she was angry at me and not jessica but she didn't read it jane eventually sent a proper apology to jessica and i believe that jane received apologies from some of jessica's friends however they were both naturally very upset about the unkind messages they received and jessica was aware that jane only apologized after their parents spoke so it remained very tense between them i felt awful about the fight so messaged jane again reiterating my previous apology i explained to jessica that jane had caught wind that she was receiving a pricier gift this year as she was obviously very confused and apologized to her too jessica said thank you but it was jane's choice to be nasty online and not mine jane ignored my message again i'm on good terms with both of my brothers jessica's dad who generally has very little patience with mary in this topic and jane's dad who was very upset with jane for what she wrote about her cousin but mary has been very cold so you can imagine that between that and the girls there was some tension on the family zoom call i received thank you messages from both girls about their gifts jessica sent me a selfie of her wearing the earrings and jane even sent me a screenshot of what she ordered with her gift card we are in a fresh lockdown so there isn't much point in making any plans but jane and i have been texting she re-apologized no fatherly intervention this time for lashing out at jessica and things were a lot smoother on new year's zoom thank you very much to everyone who helped me out with this now in the comments in the wake of stardust says poor girls you set them up for this by blatantly playing favorites then sitting back to watch the chaos i hope you're happy with yourself op really they're 18 not 12. if opie is obviously closer to one of them then she's going to receive better gifts it's unfair but it's to be expected i have many cousins and i'm not close to most of my aunts and uncles do i get mad whenever my cousins get better gifts from them no because i know i'm not really entitled to their gifts and because i'm not really close to them my relationship with my family stays the same and there is no drama you know your dynamic is not their dynamic op's original post drips of playing favorites she's closer to one because she put more effort into knowing one and dismissed the other then blamed the other one she didn't bother with for being withdrawn they're 18. even as young adults blatantly spending 10 times the amount on one girl's gift then publicly flaunting it will make the girl who got the lesser gift feel like she has been deliberately left out this is likely a continuing trend for op wow are we reading the same posts she put more effort into knowing one and dismissed the other ob did put effort in they asked her to do things with them jane was the one to reject op's efforts op did not publicly flaunt the expensive gift either they told the other adults on a group message mary wanted to start drama and had a need to hurt her daughter for some reason she is to blame for this mess because she needed to know how much was spent on each of the girls and then hurt her daughter by telling her what the hell ever happened to it's the thought that counts not the monetary amount of the gift i guess the whole mess is for the best though because it sounds like opie and jane are able to start a new relationship and i still don't get this whole obligation to get people equal gifts or be equally close to them no one is equally close to their family members as am i the a-hole posts constantly teach us the real a-hole here seems to be the mom mary who told her kid and created the mess they didn't even have an in-person christmas i'll avoid calling an 18 year old who sincerely apologized anything although being nasty online is a choice i missed the first post but not the a-hole right i usually get what i think fits a person and they'd like some are expensive and some aren't opie also could have passed the dress off as 20 pounds it was mary who looked it up and told everyone no one cared because they assumed everyone would like their gifts and i've gotten my brother a 60 game and my other brother two 15 shirts they each loved their gifts and price wasn't even a thought this sounds more like an attempt to make a comparison where there isn't one all right guys i think that's where i'm going to end today's video if you need a good laugh please do check out my second channel monkey2 links down in the description below or it's going to appear somewhere on the screen here at the end little bubble with my face on it as always a big shout out to my patreon and channel members your faces are surrounding me right now and i love to have you guys with me and down in the comments sections of each and every video and just knowing that you're always there to support me it's a humbling and lovely feeling and rest assured i do see you and i do notice your support and i thank you every day for being here and helping me along this journey not much else to say besides that guys um thank you for sticking around to the end of the video i do hope that you have a good day night sleep whatever you're up to i will see you in the next video and thank you again bye

Channel: Markee

Views: 86,929

Keywords: aita, amitheasshole, r/aita, r/amitheasshole, aita reddit, markee, markee reddit, markee aita, markee amitheasshole

Id: l4iRONoU4p0

Length: 173min 16sec (10396 seconds)

Published: Sun Jun 20 2021