Raising A Child With Selective Mutism | MY CHILD WON'T TALK | Full Documentary | Origin

[Music] these three girls appear perfectly normal they do perfect inning the things but there is something very puzzling about them I don't think I could explain what's going on really people ask well where did it come from well who knows who knows we certainly don't they have selective mutism they can speak but with most people they don't I think well is there something wrong with me is heartbreaking they can't go on not talking how can you have a relationship with a child who won't speak to you and she wants to do it she wants to be the same as everybody else but to speak a single word to those they love can seem impossible you ready to talk now you selective mutism isn't easy to make sense of red is 8 most people never hear her talk but she's found other ways to get her point across [Music] I don't think I could explain what's going on really like all good parents we've tried bribery and corruption we'll take you to the park if you talk at school today if you answer the register will buy your chocolate bar she has a set of rules for who she can and can't speak to these rules are different for every selectively mute child read talks normally with her mom and dad but many of her relatives have never heard her she has a best friend she will chatter happily - but she never ever speaks in school selective mutism the formal definition of it is consistent failure to speak in certain social situations most of them are fine with immediate family but each of these children have their own pattern of who they can speak to and who they can't but the pattern is baffling there is no rhyme or reason to their silence [Applause] ten-year-old Megan goes cheerleading every Thursday but she doesn't ever cheer the only place Megan really speaks openly is at home with her family but not when anyone else is there especially not a documentary film noisy I'm really noisy and if you weren't here now she would be saying look they've got big a bit than me or could I make you speak if I tried hard enough it often comes over that these children are just doing it deliberately just putting it on but in fact they couldn't maintain it for its intensity or for its persistence there are children who have broken limbs and they haven't cried it might be a silent tear but there's no movement no no cry for help they just could not maintain it that long if this was deliberate can you talk you can talk but you don't talk why don't you talk read it's hard to explain but even harder for those that read doesn't speak to Reds granddad John and his partner Eileen loved to have their granddaughter to stay but in the eight years since she was born they haven't heard her utter a word obviously her cries the baby is with some parents and grandparents day but when it comes to actually talking nothing ever that's it granddad might not hear much from read but he still sees her regularly she looks forward to visiting his Yorkshire home they're different ones I've got no explanation for it as such it's nothing that we've done sort of mentally physically or anything else to it or we've ever shown is a love and affection faced with the silent grand rooms here you will want to go far and left would you John hasn't stopped talking serve like an engine gunner and talking what is it a swamp and talking was about to go on the shine a lot easier than this wouldn't it but after eight years of constant chatter he's getting a little bit tired and you put any effort into this shoe no toe or shake her head you know no I don't want this yesterday want mad I should communicate in all otherwise other than talking how you getting on at school your top of the class what's your favorite thing you do it's difficult frustrating you know you you want to pick her up and choke us I talk to my hey but you know you can't because that would do nothing although she looks a confident and happy little soul surprisingly read finds the thought of speaking to granddad and most other people strangely scary and stressful well I think the best way to understand selective mutism is to think of it as a phobia this very real intense fear of talking to somebody or somebody hearing your voice all those children are doing is controlling their own anxiety by not speaking they're removing themselves from the stress but coping with a girl who can speak but doesn't is painful especially when she's your only grandchild I think well it's just something wrong with maize it may is it you know it is heartbreaking it's not so strong the word to use it is heartbreaking the family have decided they need help to get read talking to her granddad how can you have a relationship with a child who won't speak to you so and I think the older she gets the harder it's going to be just hoping and praying that one day she'll go over this condition she will talk freely like a normal child [Music] but starting to talk isn't easy when you've avoided it for as long as you can remember selective mutism usually begins very early in life Megan's parents believe her problem started on a holiday swimming trip when Megan was just four she spoke to somebody in the water thinking it was me she got so upset she's I've never seen anybody so upset she was like sobbing and she was really upset and she was really strange on that holiday if she got out of my sight she panicked it was like real panic attack their heart would thump faster if it she sat on your lap you could feel her heart I loved them selective mutism often seems to be triggered by such everyday incidents these are just normal life events that most of us would cope with but if you are office anxious disposition anyway it's much much worse and in the height of this distress they come to associate it with talking everyone nice and quiet for us to do the register please Oliver when Megan started school the anxiety about speaking didn't go away [Music] mr. Lockerby is her class teacher and he's never heard her say a word Megan well at times she could become almost invisible in the class she never volunteers she never puts her hand up very very difficult to communicate with her and to know what she's trying to communicate to me I really do think she's got lots of give it comes out of the page it'd just be nice for it to come out of her mouth do you think she won't speak to you I hope so I really do but I'm not expecting it so I'm not holding my breath Megan will soon leave the shelter of her primary school before she does the staff and her parents will make a final attempt to get Megan to talk people might think of us a bit funny they're not talking but it's serious just go secondary school next year so I really wanted to talk before secondary school with what you do about getting a job if you can't talk you can't communicate what you do how much do you want to speak Megan I think she wants to speak a lot but she can't I think it annoys you doesn't it and do you think one day you will speak when will that be tomorrow no Monday about Monday if selective mutism isn't dealt with early on then potentially there are serious consequences we know of adults who didn't receive the right help when they were children and they've become either socially anxious socially phobic or agoraphobic completely isolated dependent on their relatives and ultimately it is going to lead to depression Reds firmly are desperate for her to start talking to her granddad tell me what sort of granddad he is would you like to be able to talk to your granddad and you do you think you will but selective mutism isn't common and it can be difficult to get specialist advice we put the family in touch with speech therapist Maggie Johnson who has written the most comprehensive guide to treatment so if Carroll if I could just ask you first just to tell me a little bit about red in terms of our general character well she's an 8 year old she's very typically eight year old very noisy mm-hmm well a real chatterbox yep and this hasn't been a situation for you has it John thirdly no Shane just feels so hard it's it's hard to put into words but yeah it feels hurtful ya know I can it must feel very personal it does it does it looks very very personal you know as if I've done something wrong but I haven't done anything wrong no no no absolutely it's really hard for us to identify with a phobia of talking to friends and family and people who care about you often it's the very people that the child wants to speak to the most that they find it the hardest to speak to and as a consolation oh it's definitely the case she might be afraid that she's disappointing you that she's letting you down that she's disappointing you by not speaking to your dad and there are all of these thoughts going on in the mind and in the end it's easy to say I'm too busy it's just easier to avoid it Maggie suggests some new ideas the family could try one good step is a talking book these should help read to take small steps towards starting to talk he's having a conversation with you just knowing that you're on the phone to reduce Reds anxiety grandad is advised to tell red that he knows how she feels it's reassurance that you understand that talking for her it's actually it's quite scary at the moment and it's bringing this horrible panic feeling and you but you know she's not doing it deliberately it's just about the general message that you'll get there and we don't have to talk straight away we can just communicate another way sure yeah that you don't know what happen when you read Ian exactly I still love you just as much something exactly if there's one thing selective mutism demands its patience [Music] for the last five years megan has been looked after at school by a lady called mrs. Johnson Megan doesn't talk at school so mrs. Johnson has to find other ways for the silent pupil to communicate today her latest speaking aid is a jotter [Music] which is good and did it work that's good to hear two weeks to holiday mrs. Johnson has never given up asking her questions but to date she's never had an answer but there is a plan today mrs. Johnson is coming to visit Megan at home you're worried about mrs. Johnson coming to that Megan is going to try to talk in front of her depends on how Meghan feels with it doesn't it scary I don't know the operation will be run by Meghan's speech therapist a Miriam after five months work she has now heard Megan speak my aim for this session is to let you hear her voice and maybe towards the end feel comfortable maybe answering a few little questions from you with just the yes or no looking at you and talking to you even if it's one word [Music] Miriam is employing the same careful approach used to treat phobias helping Megan to control her anxiety and little by little let new people hear her voice the only people allowed in the living room will be Miriam mum and Megan but we're going to do everything very very slowly just like we did with me everybody else has to wait outside the closed door but Megan has agreed to have two remote-controlled cameras in the room okay I'll start one three five seven nine [Music] the procedure moves on to stage two the opening of the door and we're gonna have this door ajar and you can just down the steps okay January March it's a tiny voice but it can be heard in the hallway [Music] Stage three mrs. Johnson joins in from the stairs one three four six stage for the critical stage mrs. Johnson will now enter the room a see I K M s [Music] Megan will colors the Sun [Music] that was a huge step as he give a well yeah well you know the most we've ever seen you know Megan is Megan [Music] danielle has also been trying to beat selective mutism last year at the age of 14 Danielle was still only speaking to a tiny number of people but then she made a major breakthrough in brilliant yeah to see you know coming on the way she is very Pro dad I was at felicity a fantastic seeing the progress that she's made a year ago Danielle was still answering questions with a whiteboard today she can just open her mouth and talk it's like if you're if you're a singer and you want to stage the first time you get this amazing adrenaline boost it's like that Wow you know I'm doing it and no one will reenter stand though amazing that really felt [Music] like other children Danielle fell into the grip of selective mutism when she was very small you can tell that I'm not comfortable I was there almost this tight shirt her family tried everything but they couldn't get their only child to talk I remember thinking I'm special but as I got older than I realized it wasn't special it was just different in a bad way so why didn't you just start talking was the mental block because it's not what you physically can't talk no because it feels like you physically can't talk that's how it feels it was a hard hard 11 years you know and it puts an awful lot of strain on what everything family relationships you know you'll find because of the frustrations that char has they can get aggressive verbally and physically and we've had both when she reached secondary school Danielle still wasn't speaking to staff or pupils the stress turned the daily school run into a traumatic business she would physically have symptoms of sickness headaches sweating hands a little burbly aggressive we used to have a bit of a punching session sometimes it's just moral anxiety why the scientists think is expanding Danielle came up with our own drastic solutions she asked to move to another school when nobody knew about her problem she thought it might be possible to talk providing she could start the moment she arrived I walked in the door I met the school secretary I said this is Danielle and Danielle said hello and I was like I can believe it and I said so my mom that I'd never felt so free and I was like oh yeah that was amazing and it was so natural Danielle is now much more confident about talking but after avoiding speech for over a decade her behavior was deeply ingrained she's still struggling to completely rid herself of her fear yes it's not all over yet yeah it's quite a few things that still can't do like talking on the phone all that sort of thing donut shops restaurants it's still it's still part of my life so what's your aim to just to everyone be normal feel like normal gar be 1500 kill a spring moves towards summer everyone is working on the first tiny steps forward there are no shortcuts with selective mutism unless you start to dip it in the bud between 2 and 4 years of age you've got to be prepared for it to be a fairly slow but steady process those children have to work really hard at dealing with this and and really breaking this barrier down but their efforts are beginning to show some results on Maggie's suggestion red has made a present for granddad with a magical surprise inside the built-in voice recorder means she can let him start to hear her voice I love eating a salad it might not be conversation but for grandad these are Reds first words were oh well that is absolutely fantastic isn't it and you said all of that that is brilliant you can be a right little chatterbox can't you do you know how much I love you that's a lot isn't it it doesn't matter that you don't talk to me it's not important is it really because we still love you just as much but one day maybe [Music] in Dover the same slow creeping progress is underway all right okay yeah Megan's class teacher mr. Lockerby can now join in the strange ritual of Megan's therapy sessions I hope I don't muck it up when I get inside do something stupid that upset the whole proceedings [Music] let's start again three a 21:24 Megan what color is the Sun [Music] fantastic brilliant really really good we just suck sweet voice was justice wait amazing and you think this is a normal thing that everybody normally does and she's not doing it when she when she did it it was normal and it felt right missed it up he said he liked because he hadn't ever heard Meghan before I Megan how do you feel about it it seems some people are still off limits although danielle has come a long way in the last year she's still working to completely free herself from selective mutism even now she avoids everyday tasks like shopping because she worries about unexpected conversation I just get very sweaty bombs just heart would race it will be another panic that it may seem absurd but after years of not speaking even buying a chocolate bar still triggers an irrational fear but today Danielle is determined to overcome it I want to try and get over the anxiety I want to try and show to myself that I can do normal things I'm not just some kid that can't do anything how you feeling about I'm scared Danielle's decided there's strength in numbers she's brought along her mom and a friend in case she gets into difficulties you ready first just go for it [Music] with her mind on the till and the talkative women behind it it seems hard for Danielle to focus on chocolate pantries there papac's maintenance just pick anything you can Thanks look around them and just walk towards the wine queueing for service only adds to the stress [Music] folks do that do it nice you got this far selective mutism isn't always easy to escape [Music] Danielle's failure is a painful setback [Music] didwell going yeah right [Music] give me five it's awful because I get turned up cuz I can see what she's coming through you know and it's hard I really would have liked her to have been able to do it but I want mean I looked her face on her she couldn't I just knew she couldn't and I could I felt quite upset to see her so upset sorry and she wants to do it she wants to be the same as everybody else and we both want her to do that where at me you seemed quite angry and that was just because I couldn't buy anything else because I just couldn't do it yeah exactly front of me and I exactly's not nice to the best of times when it stops you from doing something you want to do this especially buying chocolate it just it just really annoys me I don't want it I don't need it you know stuff I want to do and I don't want the anxiety hanging over me all the time since the first time Megan spoke in front of her class teacher things have gone rather quiet it's now seven weeks later and despite regular therapy sessions mr. luckabee is having a problem striking up conversation with Megan she's never answered made it straight to my face even doing the register I looked up at her and she still looks at me and she doesn't move for math at all I think it's gonna take longer than I initially thought yes it's a lot harder for her than I think it is I think then we all think it's a lot more anxiety there in an attempt to move things forward Megan's speech therapist Miriam has come up with a bold plan Megan is going to reveal her fears about speaking to her entire class and ask for their help okay so this is Megan in her own words so this is what she really wants you to know about her and her difficulties unsure of the reactions she might receive Megan has decided to stay outside our Miriam reads her message out so she's called this my story as you know my name is Megan and I am 10 years old when I was very young I developed a fear of speaking in public this worry he got worse and worse until it became a habit over the years the habit has stuck and I find I can only speak with certain people like all habits this one is very hard to break each time I try to speak I get the same worried feeling that I felt all those years ago I really want to get over this but I need your help I'd like you to treat me just the same as anyone else and talk to me like any of your friends if I don't say much at first please don't give up and it will get easier and easier for me thank you for listening and thank you for trying to understand okay how do you feel about Nathan Megan no she's not like a month's time she's talking about like say he's bad things she's gonna be not really she'd be a bit quieter than everyone else and I've got Megan's email address and we like chat over the internet now and she asked me questions and I I quite enjoy that that is it's actually really fun have you ever tried to come in and kind of know yeah bye I am gonna try you try that I think hopefully could it's really nice it's funny Miriam because because I thought Megan for a long time and I suppose it's the children have known I mean we've got into a habit of not talking to Megan so we need to change our habits in a way just by you know saying the odd words are here and there Red's mum has her own cunning plan to put into action the girl who hardly speaks to a soul is about to get a rather unlikely present yes thank you [Music] Maggie Johnson has suggested that red could use a mobile phone to start to talk to granddad by leaving him voicemail yeah it's not to look obviously you can ever get sliding it yeah but the prospects aren't great she's never been particularly comfortable around a phone but then I guess that's because the whole point of it is you speak can you listen just occasionally picked it up accidentally and then not being able to speak and hung up granddad has driven down from Yorkshire for a visit oh he's come to put operation mobile phone into action if their plan works granddad and granddaughter would have the means to start to communicate while away and well that's a posh one isn't it with a slider so that means you could phone me and you could leave me a message red is persuaded to try out the phone as long as granddad is a long way away a very long way away but a grandparent must be ready to go to extraordinary lengths to beat this extraordinary condition I'll give you a couple of minutes to get back then I'll phone you but don't answer me and I will leave you a message then you can listen to my message and then you confirm me and I can listen to your message that you live for me right Ready Steady Go careful here we go let's see if we can do this move ringing hi red this is message number one I'm down the end of the garden and I just like to say that I'm really happy to be here and seeing you again today okay bye fingers crossed they're leaving me a message we have a message this is gonna be fantastic first one ever [Music] for words it's great having you here that is absolutely brilliant that is a step she's never ever fondly never ever spoken to me on the phone never would that is a big big step it works did you get my message yeah it works that's brilliant idea isn't it yep so now you'll be able to firm me up and then I think who's phoning me now and then I look I think oh it's ray cheese left me a message that's really really pleased me that all right should we go and tell mommy that worked on a try and let mommy listen to it okay a lump combing me throat to be quite honest and I was sort of initially having to compose myself you know you just sort of hold yourself together but you know I was I was leaping up and down inside your voice you're eight years nearly nine years for this it doesn't sink in you can't believe that it's happening I'm really looking forward to that starting up with the phone calls now that is what I'm looking forward to still determined to shake off selective mutism danielle has set herself another challenge because she never spoke at her old school bizarrely Danielle's oldest friends have still never actually heard her talk a problem she's now planning to tackle how big a thing will it be to talk to your friends quite I mean a lot I mean a lot to them and me was like we'll be able to you know have a laugh time thing without me being a quiet one even though I did have a good offer manager Dan would like to go out more with her friends and do things and I'd like her to do that because it'll open up my social skills as well but not being able to talk to the friend she wants to be with it makes that difficult but there is one friend from her old school that Danielle does talk to oh that's a nice Bethan is Danielle's oldest friend she's always had to act as translator with the rest of the group pickup reactions that she did which is signal me - yeah you had to be like my spokesperson flood in here talk for me is this word this hard this rain justice clicks Bevins going to organize the friends reunion but after years of silence what on earth do you say I don't know how this place but it's kind of embarrassing when you suddenly start talking to someone I'm so afraid like if I go in and say all you know hello or something just something normal but normal people do they'd be yeah it would be a party wouldn't they be completely hi the day dawns and Daniele is ready to attempt another step forward she and Bethan await the arrival of their old friends Harriet and Nicole it's not known is it oh I don't think so [Music] I'm hopefully now because of our a you'd still be more mature and obviously not jump about and screen which I mean when you are in the cold you can't guarantee that they do that's what they do you see anywhere the friends haven't seen each other for months and the reunion is a cheery affair but Daniels mouth stays tightly closed at lunch she still stuck in her familiar old silence presses on with megaphone by the time her friends start discussing boys Danielle's urge to speak seems to have deserted her completely she knows everything my time by the way they going out they you know going on the park whatever with these poison and then nagging me to out them but if I go out I'm not gonna talk and these boys didn't think I'm gonna do it so you know I can't do that and then the way they're together is just like those three and then me [Music] Danielle's friends are making the most of teenage life but when you don't speak to people it's hard to keep up I'm losing my friends so either I'm not normal or they're not and I've got phenomenal for Megan it's almost the end of the school year she's got a spring in her step and it's not just the idea of the summer holidays ahead okay I see names please after six months and 23 therapy sessions in mr. luckabee classroom something miraculous has started to happen Megan have you seen any change in magnetic she's been no clue you'd end up talking in front of the class what is your favorite type of sweet it's greedy as well and Megan Miller that hand goes up you know you're drawn to it because it's not something she's ever done before so I think that's a really really positive thing and she's smiling a lot more have you spoken to Megan yes doing a lot of applying and were you surprised to hear her voice yes so you find it easier to answer people now make it some people perhaps but still not everyone but Megan has one more test before the end of tone next year Megan won't be taught by mr. luckabee anymore she's going to have to cope with a new class teacher and she's about to be introduced okay you're here because you're going to be in my class next year but will Megan's beat to mr. Cornell [Music] that she's going to do this how are you Oh ask me in another ten minutes and I'll let them know what we're gonna do is we're going to just go around and we're gonna say our names first aren't we two names okay [Music] my name is Nicki Jones my name is Millie and I am telling three quarters eleven [Music] in Wales Danielle's social life is improving she's made friends in her new school but she does speak to she's not giving up I could just say oh I'm never gonna get married never gonna have a boyfriend forget that I'll let everyone else have them and I'll just sit back and she'll but you know what's putting that I think I'll always be anxious over certain situations but I just keep going yeah hopefully just keep going and go real further north red and her granddad have finally begun a rather unconventional conversation through Reds voicemail messages you leave a message and let me know what you're going to do today I'm going out with the brownness prediction Island swimming today so you went in a canoe - yeah I've never been in a canoe that's really good they've added a new dimension to the relationship it's sort of opened up a new world but hey it works happy birthday friends dead come never had you wished me happy birthday before it was lovely thank you all grandparents probably get that and think nothing to it but you know I've waited until she's nine before she's felt confident enough to say happy birthday grandad and you know she's have got could have bought me a Ferrari but that meant nothing to that so if we can go up with it but we are at last moving forward and and that from 12 months ago is absolutely fantastic step-by-step they are all making progress but it's always those first words that are the hardest what's your name and how old are you Megan have you enjoyed hangars filming you you can see I don't know if you don't know [Music]

Channel: Origin

Views: 3,242,499

Rating: 4.8917184 out of 5

Keywords: Entertainment, BBC, BBC3, Channel 4, Full Series, Full Documentary, Documentaries, Full Programme, Full Show, Real Women, Factual, Mothering, Healthcare, Underage and Pregnant, Naked Stories, Post natal, Pre natal, selective mutism, anxiety disorder, social anxiety, mute child, selective mutism in children, selective mutism documentary, full documentary uk, documentary, my child wont talk full episode, entertainment news, bbc documentary, social anxiety disorder, mute children

Id: gONZsyo9Rdk

Length: 48min 40sec (2920 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 11 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/Poopypance]

My son has this. He is in 6th grade and only one teacher in his school has heard him speak. 99% of the kids haven't heard him either. He talks non stop at home and to friends in the neighborhood, just not at school. It started the first day of 1st grade. Like it was just too much attention on him.

[u/tessatreeman]

Oh my god! I actually went to secondary school with Meghan (and most of the kids from the primary school there). I never knew she was in a documentary but we all knew she was quite and once mute. Really lovely woman and wonderful family, she’s come a long way since this documentary. How crazy this came up while scrolling Reddit !

[u/iamhoggis]

Here's an update from a few months ago about one of the girls that was in the documentary...

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-48557674

[u/TheWausauDude]

I kind of went through something like this in the 7th grade. Up until then I was kind of the class clown and always talking to everyone and goofing off. Then one day I must have embarrassed myself and like flipping a switch just stopped talking. I wish I knew how I was so fearless back then. Today it’s still a struggle to talk in front of groups and people I don’t know.

[u/hatchetlavender]

I stopped talking in the early 90s for about 8 years when I was very young(around 4). This was not lightly diagnosed back then. I was put through studies and medication trials. None of which worked. Then I magically started talking one day. It’s seems much more common now than it did then.

[u/nannytimes]

I worked in a day care that had two children with this. Their parents said at home and they chatted non-stop. I babysat for one family once and the child was completely different, chatting, yelling, it was shocking to see!

I worked really hard with both of them to get them to start talking. And they did. Once the little guy started talking he just never stopped. It became my mission to get them to speak (I was always listening to them and making sure they felt safe). I’m not sure if I did the right thing, but they both seemed happier due to finally really socialising with the other children.

[u/moonieforlife]

I used to teach in Japan and I had a lot of kids with this.

[u/Krissy_loo]

My cousin was diagnosed with this in early elementary school. She would only talk to immediate family members for several years. Seemed like she had a reserved/anxious disposition before the selective mutism manifested, and one of her parents struggles with mental illness (anxiety, depression, substance use). No specific trigger or trauma was ever identified as the "cause" of the selective mutism starting.

Eventually, my aunt and uncle took her out of private school and enrolled her in public school so she could get academic and emotional supports through an IEP. By fifth grade or so she was talking to everyone again, but still painfully shy, and was then diagnosed with a reading comprehension disability.

She's a college graduate and married and very happy now! It seems to me she likely had social anxiety and it manifested behaviorally through the selective mutism until she learned coping strategies to manage the anxiety of talking to non-immediate family.

[u/Marepoppin]

I’m in the field of specialist who work with children and adults with communication impairment and the new term is ‘Situational Mutism’. It’s meant to better reflect how People with SM aren’t selecting to be unable to speak but that in different contexts they have different communication abilities.