Rabbi YY Jacobson - How to Forgive

the story you just watched Rebbetzin younger eyes of blessed memory share about her time in bergen-belsen I heard the first time from her when we were together for a Shabbat own in Scottsdale or in Sedona you know Sedona the red city in Arizona there was a weekend retreat there and I was invited to speak and I came there and to my delight I see that Rebbetzin younger eyes was also there for Shabbos I didn't know she would be there and we were sitting and schmoozing and she told me that the reason that she was there was because there was somebody she once knew and their child became socially emotionally psychologically and spiritually quite lost so she traveled she took the flight to Sedona pretty remote place so that Sunday she would be able to meet this youngster and tried to encourage this young girl and give her some hope and in order to make it there she had to be there on Shabbos so we had a very meaningful Shabbos together she spoke I spoke and it was very moving to me to see sometimes you see great speakers orator lecturers teachers leaders who are very good with large audiences after all this will be a debate tonight and you'll see what I mean I'm the sign of a true Jewish leader is somebody who here is for one as much as they care for a thousand because they understand that a thousand are really made up of ones and that shop is she told the story of her father telling her in bergen-belsen when her brother asked where are the angels her father said you are you are the Shabbos angels there was a lot of emotion in the crowd when she shared the story and perhaps Robertson younger eyes didn't even realize maybe or she did probably but I don't even know to the extent of how much American youngsters haven't heard Friday night a message from their parents that you are the Shabbos angels just to have the serenity the sacred space in a home where the iPhones are off the television is off people are sitting together that a father or mother could say you are the Angels is a very unique phenomenon in today's world you need a space you need a mental space to the family space the emotional space and I would say in a way you could summarize Roberts and younger eyes lives as one who always tried to impart that message that she heard from her father in bergen-belsen to young Jewish women and men throughout the world throughout America and throughout the world that you are really the Shabbos angels you are the angels to bring the light the serenity the spirituality the meaningfulness of Shabbos throughout your environment and throughout the world and we offer to you mrs. Slava younger eyes Wolfe our deepest condolences on the passing of your mother a great teacher a great soul a great spirit and really a great angel of Shabbos for so many so many Jews and may her inspiration and living legacy inspire all of us to be Shabbos angels when I finished my speech in Sedona she came over to me and she said I'm gonna call you Tati and tell him how good his baby was how good is baby va's and I reminded me ruff cook was the first Chief Rabbi of Israel but if Rob get stuck acai and cook and his mother died not a young woman she was old and he was one of the great personalities of the time he was crying hysterically by the funeral and they asked ruff cook you know your mother was wasn't a youngster why the hysteria and he said nobody will ever call me again of Ramallah you know now I'm ruff cook of Rome it's caca Cohen cook rava Rashi he was a great man but nobody will ever call me Avram Allah so that touch of a of a mother is is unique and hearing that from her was very very endearing so my friends you know I was asked to talk about forgiveness how to forgive others how to forgive God how to forgive yourself it's a tough topic but I guess if not before Yom Kippur when but on a lighter note there was once a Jew and a Hindu and a politician who went hiking you think it's funny it's not so funny to get a Jew to go hiking they went hiking in Tennessee and they got lost somewhere and it was night and they couldn't find the hotel and there's three people stranded so they find this farmhouse and they knock on the door and the farmer comes out how can I help you and the Jew the Hindu the politician say you know we hiking gear we thought they'll be hotel we can't find the hotel can we sleep over the night farm how the farmer says of course the problem is have only two beds so two of you could go into the bedroom and one of you will have to sleep in the barn but the barn is very comfortable so they all look at the Hindu you know and he says okay I'll go to the barn and the Jew and the and the politician go to the beds ten minutes later there's a knock on the door of the bedroom they opened the door the Hindu is there they say what's the problem is I can't sleep in the barn Y says there's a cow in the barn a Hindu is not a lot of sleep in the same room like a cow a cow is holy a cow is sacred I'm sorry it's the silk the Jew says okay I'll go to the barn so the Hindu goes to sleep with the politician the Jew goes to the bar ten minutes later the Jews at the door knocking help at the Jew what's the problem who says I'm not let us sleep there why there's a pig how can I do sleep in the same room like a pig on a fathomable I need the bed so they both look at the politician I guess you got to go to the bunch the politician goes to the barn and the Jew and then do go to sleep 10 minutes later there's a knock on the door the Jew in the Hindu open the door who's at the door the cow and the pig friends you just gotta talk it's fine that's fine this is my introduction to the debates 9 o'clock tonight since I'm going to be on an airplane so I just wanted to participate in some way just to give it perspective to put it into context you understand what America is what America is dealing with what America is facing forgiveness forgiveness let's put it simply the great mystics ask a question why is it that children don't beer grudges and adults do why is it that your child can tell you mommy I hate you you're the worst mommy in the world Totti I'm never talking to you again and you're not getting a piece of my birthday cake but 10 minutes later when you give them ice cream they're your best friends again what about an adult adult tells you I'm never speaking to you again 10 years later they still cross the street when you're there they will not invite you to their grandchild's Bar Mitzvah adults are more mature why do we hold on to grudges for weeks months years centuries some of us decades and if we would live long enough millennia and the Mystics say the answer is this children choose being happy over being right adults often choose being right over being happy for children the most important thing is to be happy mended relationships contribute to happiness for adults the most important thing is to be right so even if I know that I'm going to be miserable I would rather be miserable but I'm going to be right so if you'll tell me rabbi Jacobsen pick up a phone and apologize no way why because they might think they were right no way let's be miserable but I'm gonna be right children choose being happy and that's a choice we all have to make in life do you want to be right or do you want to be happy yes maybe your mother was wrong maybe your mother-in-law was wrong maybe not maybe your father was wrong maybe your brother was wrong maybe your sister-in-law was wrong maybe your child was wrong maybe your partner your friend your colleague your employer employ maybe I don't know maybe yes maybe not maybe 90 percent wrong maybe 80 maybe 60 percent wrong maybe completely wrong but when there is conflict in families when there's conflict in communities when this conflict between friends or former friends there's toxicity that exists in your life in your soul in your home in your relationships there is a part of you that dies when a relationship dies there's no denying it I know it in my life I think we all know it in our lives when I'm connected to somebody in a deep way and I cut them off from my life it's a form of amputation it's an emotional it's a spiritual amputation and that part of me dies and when you I have the courage to pick up a phone no texting by the way you don't apologize through texting that's a game that's fake better face-to-face but at least a telephone call we don't like speaking on the phone anymore we love text but it's really a mask but I have the courage to call up and apologize a certain part of me comes back to life now how the other person responds is their choice I can't control other people's lives but I could control my attitudes before Yom Kippur we ought to cultivate the courage to be happy not to be right if you want to do something good for your soul tonight when you get home call up your brother call up your mother call up your sh rig or whoever it is that you have or had an issue with even if you were right and say I'm sorry let's make up I apologize you will see the change that happens in your soul especially that often it's not so black and white usually not one side is black and the other side is white usually it's a little bit of a mixture even if in your case I'm sure it's different knowing your mother-in-law who I will apologize to after the speech now me and my mother will get along unbelievable she's a she's an angel she lives in Pittsburgh I live in Muncie it's great and answering machines were created four mothers-in-law you know there is a woman her name is your habit Krugman I happened to know some members of the family she was a girl in a camp in the Catskill Mountains in New York and her grandparents and parents came for visiting day so she was with her mother and grandmother and her father and her grandfather took a stroll through the camp grounds and as they're walking her grandfather who just passed away a few years ago meets another old man walking and he gives him a slight little what I call Jewish nod you know those nods like this like a little tiny not like when you know somebody but you don't know them you know you don't know them enough to say hi but you know them enough not to ignore them it's like one of these complex Jewish neurons like it's just a trap you know you're stiff but you whatever I choose do it all the time it's like the Yasha kyuk not and then shows Chaya Mushka so he gives him this knot so his son his name is Robbie says Tati who was this old man says he my best friend before the war we learned together we were hallucis she's your best friend before though why didn't you hug him why didn't you embrace him why don't you juice him to me let's not go there so what am I your best friend why weren't you more enthusiastic about meeting him he says trust me it's better not to talk about he's really curious he knew jizz and pleads was his father to tell him so his father tells as they're walking and this bad guy is walking the other way his father says my best friend literally my best friend we were closer than brothers we lived in Romania as we just turn on the video dark clouds were descending on Eastern Europe I had foresight I had a wife and a little baby at in-laws we were living together I got myself visas and papers to be able to leave when I have to leave and I put them in a hiding place you know Romania remained neutral for quite a few years but ultimately it was dominated by a Nazi controlled regime and one day my best friend comes to me and says what are you doing about about the dangerous the lurking dangerous my Talib I got these visas and I hid them and he tells him the hiding place best friend that night he says I go to that place to see and check up on my visas they're gone I turn over the whole house can match they're gone I run to my best friend's house it's empty the Germans come in he and his family are transported to Auschwitz his wife is murdered his child is murdered his in-laws are murdered he survives Ashwin's makes it to America after the war he hears that his best friend got out on time to the safe side of Romania his family was saved then he came to America ceases Robbie now you understand why I did it to brace him his father I don't understand you so why didn't you punch him in the face I would have punched him in the face he says it's over it's over there's nothing to do says what do you mean it's over it's over - sky indirectly caused the demise of your loved ones your family and his father says let me tell you something those were different times people were so desperate to live they would do anything to survive even unthinkable criminal acts to survive it was a different time a different era there's nothing I can do to fix it I could remain resentful and bitter or I could decide to move on I decided to move on I heard the story I told you I know some family members the man was a pretty happy fellow and I thought to myself you know most of us haven't had such an experience where somebody did this what if somebody would do it is it possible to forgive did he forgive him I don't know that he could forgive him I don't know that you could forgive somebody for this I don't know I'm not in the position to answer that question but I'll tell you what he did do he managed to look at it from the other person's perspective not to justify it but to see it from the perspective of the other person who is desperately trying to live and that allowed him maybe not to forgive but to be able to move on and not live in an endless orbit of anger hate resentment frustration and I say to myself if that person can do it under such dire conditions if we would be able to see things from another person's perspective which does not mean they're right and it does not mean what they said or did was not hurtful or wrong but it means the ability to really see something somebody from another person's perspective that's the beginning of a relationship and I think it's the beginning of finding the space in you to be able to ask forgiveness and to be able to offer forgiveness and forgive somebody else but for this I have to see things from your perspective you know there was this Jewish woman who was working really really hard and suddenly this genie pops out from the refrigerator and says you such a good lady I decided to come and offer you to fulfill any of your three wishes three wishes you have the lady says okay my first wish is that my husband should have eyes only for me the genie says whoa whoa whoa that's too much I know your husband what's your second wish says my second wish is that I should be the most important thing to him in his life the genie says well you're really pushing it today I know your husband come on what's your third request my third request is that we wakes up in the morning before you runs out of bed 45 minutes you should just spend time with me the genie is like wow this is getting more difficult for a moment a moment but let me see what I could let me think about and the genie says you know what I will grant you all your three wishes and within a few seconds this woman was transformed into an iPhone 7 and indeed the husband had eyes only for the iPhone and it was the most important thing for him in his life and every morning 45 minutes he spends not doing anything else but examining the iPhone you know do something else about forgiveness that I want to tell you there's a God in the world and that means you hurting me there's not the beginning in the end of the story you may have done something that for me was difficult but what allowed me to experience that difficulty was not you wanting to do it it was God allowing it to happen to me that means there's an element here between me and God the Talmud says somebody who gets furious his worship it's like he's worshiping idols call her Caius keloid over the videos are why the answer is because I'm getting furious because I really believe that you control my world you know if you slam the door on my finger it ever happened to you it happened to me once my best friend slammed the door and my my thumb was stuck like oh my god it hurts right but would I go over to the door and start punching the door you criminal you lowlife that's what we do with kids we hit the door we we knock the floor that made the boo-boo and it makes them feel better but we know the door is not guilty somebody else slammed the door he did it intentionally or unintentionally in that case it was unintentional people don't have control over our lives God knows when you say you do something that hurts me ultimately my getting furious by getting angry really represents the fact that I don't realize that you were basically like the door maybe you made a bad choice but there's something else that I have to look at and that is it's my own relationship with myself and to realize that ultimately God wanted me to experience this and that means there is something meaningful here maybe painful but meaningful I'll never forget an experience I had somebody booked me for a weekend months in advance and therefore I didn't take other weekends this was it Friday afternoon they canceled on me that's not mentioned I was very upset at the make arrangements for Shabbos but it was also financially I was upset I'll never forget I went to eat somewhere with my wife that Friday night because we didn't have food prepared so we went to a friend for the meal I came home and I was still furious at them you cancel that afternoon he canceled OA day before two days before week before mother was canceled that it's not mentioning we have to get babysit we had planned there was a whole weekend I come home to my apartment I'm living in Brooklyn at the time I'm sitting on the couch I'm learning I'm learning I fall asleep three o'clock in the morning I can't sleep now I usually sleep very well by the time I go to bed I'm pretty exhausted like every Jew I go to bed with nine books thinking that I'm going to read you know at least half of them throughout the night of course I take the first book within 25 seconds I'm snoring and the rest is history the next night you bring 18 books I can't sleep it's 3 o'clock in the morning and I had an office on the 4th floor of the building and I decide to go up there to check something out I go up and I see somebody sitting on the steps 3 o'clock in the morning out side of one of the apartments I sit down near this person I put my hand on their back I say what's up what's going on this young man stands up runs into the apartment is about to slam the door my instincts my sixth sense came to life I ran after him I put my foot into the door so it slammed against my foot and I ran in he screamed get out of here I took a look at the kitchen counter and I saw the tablets were waiting he was about he started to swallow the tablets that would take his life I wrestled him thank God I was stronger than him we wrestled for around two hours Friday night 3:00 in the morning finally I pinned him down I stayed with him till 7:00 in the morning till he got out of this suicidal mode I took him down to my house my wife stayed with him I went to shul I came back fast we kept him in the house and then Saturday night we got him the help he needed today years later he's a successful bright lovely delightful young man and then I realized they cancelled my weekend and I had the privilege of literally not conceptually saving saving a life in just a few minutes before my lecture I meet dr. Goldwasser who's as you know this entire experience the whole you hoody in this entire conference this year and last year was created in memory of his wife the kernel of rock of blessed memory who passed away two years ago and he tells me talking about something else that he was invited by the community in Melbourne Australia to speak about a very painful issue regarding the Jewish community and some activists started to pressure the community because of their agendas - the pressure was so deep that they cancelled his invitation on invitation that he was looking forward to an invitation that would have proved important for his career for finances for spiritual impact for psychological impact it's very upsetting at the end a psychologist there an Orthodox psychologist gets involved and says we have to invite him anyway and the religious community in Melbourne invites him and he goes and he ends up marrying this woman she becomes his wife so lying gay yarns Ahava and I think to myself you know he was dethroned he was rejected he was defamed on Facebook by certain activists but that's the only reason he found ultimately his shoes and I'm not going to tell you that every person who hurts you is out to get you a shadonna I did tell him I did Tom that he should have invited the main opponent to do the last blessing under the hope what's called Baraka harita because after all he owes it to him but these things taught me a lesson and that is you may have had your intentions but Joseph told his brothers Adam hush after m'lila raw valium Keshava whatever you wanted to harm me but God had his plans Joseph saves the whole Fertile Crescent from famine this allows me not to forget not to be naive but to sometimes say there may be a bigger larger deeper story you're not so small you're not such a victim your ultimate master the one who holds your hands and life is Hashem and nobody could do anything to you without a sham and that means that whatever happens there is some treasure maybe not easy to find but there's some meaning to some purpose and therefore I could say I forgive I could see it from a larger perspective friends do something else and this has to do with forgiving God now that's a tough phone for Jews that's a tough one I think about Elie Wiesel Elie Wiesel passed away three months ago in July 87 the day before Rosh Hashana 20 years ago 96 he published a public prayer we're on the up at page of the New York Times the title a prayer for the Days of Awe now you know the New York Times is not the newspaper to read material about Richard Sean on Yom Kippur you could read other stuff there but Wiesel decided to publish his prayer and it's a conversation he has with God on the pages of the New York Times now you want to know how come God why do you talk to God in the New York Times I guess God is everywhere he must be even in the New York Times as surprising as that may be him and Wiesel talks to God and he says 50 years ago I wrote some very nasty things about you you red night his book night and I wrote them to you because I was feeling them because of what I saw in the death camps but he says 50 years later I want to make up with you it's been too hard to be estranged from you my questions were not coming from outside of faith they were coming from inside of faith you were my best friend and I didn't know why did you betray me I relied so much on you why did you let me down I couldn't forgive you I still cannot get rid of all my questions and pain but I want to be in a relationship with you I found it meaningful I'll tell you why some of us are made to believe that prayer or faith means that you feel that everything is perfect everything is good and you pray and like a genie comes out and everything will change yes sometimes prayer has tangible effects and it always has effects in the physical world or in the spiritual world but sometimes we don't see those effects doesn't always happen not for all people not at all times not in all places not in all circumstances but then named for a Jewish Israel you throw means key sorry say Melek envy Menachem you battled with God and Men and prevailed to be a Jew means that you battle with God Freyr doesn't mean always that I asked for something and it happens prayer means that I feel that there's somebody to talk to there's somebody I can cry to there's somebody I can complain to there's somebody I can connect to there's somebody I can share with to somebody I can protest the world is not indifferent to my struggles dilemmas questions there is a presence at the core of the universe that conceived me in love and wants to hear what I have to say whatever that may be it's the courage to be able to know that you're not alone in the world that takes courage the spear doesn't take courage but to really live as these Jews lived by the notion to somebody who wants to hear from me in life sometimes I have to be able to forgive God I may not understand but I have to be able to forgive I have to say let's at least be in a relationship let's talk I heard from Elie Wiesel Jews are they love God or hate God but they don't think more God they don't know how to and that's powerful it's deep there's for giving yourself oh yeah yah yah yah yah yah that's a tough one forgiving yourself gevalt how do you forgive yourself not so simple you got to cut yourself some slack twosome kipper you have to forgive yourself we often look in the mirror and we feel how many people tell me rabbi I'm such a bad Jew I'm such a bad person I've been such a bad mother bad father I make so many mistakes I didn't do this I didn't do this I do this I do this I'm not good you have to be able to forgive yourself I want to tell you a little story there was a boy Jewish boy he lost in an accident a devastating accident he lost his his arm he lost one of his arms the parents were desperately looking how to help this boy and they came across a Japanese judo master you familiar with judo fighting one of the old martial arts from Japan from the 1920s and the judo master said he will take this boy under his wings and teach him how to fight judo with one arm how leave it up to him and he trains him for a long long time and finally he says it's time to go to the tournament you're gonna fight he gets up there his opponent has two arms there's no way he could win and he gets defeated again punched out again and again at some point the referee says this is not fear let's stop this but the Japanese judo master insists that he continues the parents are pleading with him leave our boy alone no he will win and after a few rounds they go up again now his opponent at this point is overconfident he relaxes a little bit he's not so cautiously sensitive to any slight move he relaxes he puts down his guard his defense mechanisms and this boy missing they aren't practicing judo administers a move just one move it's a move that his master has taught him for two years and he knocks out his opponent completely the guy can come back he triumphed he gets the trophy on the way home he asks his master how did I win and he says when you came here if you remember I told you all you need to learn is one move you see there is one move in judo that the only known defense against that move is your opponent grabbing on to your right arm once you did that move there was no way he could win because you didn't have the arm for him to grab on to I thought to myself what a lesson in life we look at our lives and we see what's missing this is missing that's missing this was missing I made this horrible mistake I did this stupid thing everything that's missing but don't you realize that sometimes it's precisely what we don't have that allows us to make our move in the world that allows us to be victorious it's the void it's the mistake it's the crisis it's the challenge that gives you a certain energy a certain opportunity a certain vulnerability a certain honesty a certain depth a certain acuteness a certain human that allows you to make a move that nobody else could make so for this Yom Kippur forgive yourself forgive yourself cut yourself some slack guilt doesn't come from your godly soul guilt comes from the devil that wants to paralyze you there's a rabbi in Netanya in Israel his name is Moshe I am allow his father former chief rabbi of Israel mayor Lao ma Haim law gets a call from a young girl the young girl a young woman she's getting married she wants him to officiate at the wedding he says when she looks at the calendar it's the night before Passover the busiest night for a rabbi people come to sell the Komets you got to clean the house because come and you gotta prepare for the Seder he tells her I would love to but it's impossible the busiest night of the year and you don't live right near me it's a far Drive she says I want you some sorry get somebody else she calls him back again and again and again and she knew jiz him and new Jers him and he says I can't it's impossible I cannot leave that night I have a whole community it's the night before pacer I can't people come with questions and have to sell their comets it's the busiest night for a rabbi the whole year no question she does not stop she says I heard you do a wedding it was the best wedding ever and I want you at my wedding finally he makes a deal with her if you do the hoop at five o'clock p.m. I'll come and I could leave right after so I have the night but the hope it has to be five o'clock she agrees he arrives to the Hopa five o'clock her father an elderly elderly man just came from Argentina where he lives to the wedding of his daughter in Israel he seized a rabbi who came to officiate and in you did she system shall annihilate them from van and compared where you from just from Netanya rabbi Lau says Mpho van and calm tired where are you from he says from Pier to the COFF from the Polish city Peter go did you ever hear from Peter coughs rabbi Lau gets the chills his father by a strong mayor Lau was born in petrikov raised in Peter cough he was there till five when the Germans sent him to book of course you heard from petrikov and the man continues oblivious to the chills he just generated in this rabbis bones he says do you know who was the last couple to be married and piotrek of before all its Jews were murdered of Isis now me and my wife 1942 you know who married us off the rabbi of Pietra cough his name was Rabbi Moshe I am Lao he married us Oh of the night before the Germans sent him to Treblinka where he was gassed the night before he married us off we ran we went to the partisans he in the community the whole city of petrikov murdered this was the last wedding of the Jews and piotrek off by Rabbi Moshe I am Lao a night before he dug and he turns to this man he says did you overhear from Rabbi Moshe I am loud the rabbi appeared to come with tears in his eyes he says he was my zeda my father's father and i am named after him my name is Moshe I am Lao you see where my grandfather left off I take over my Zaidan married you off and I will marry your daughter when your daughter phoned me and said rabbi Lau you have to come to the wedding she didn't know why she was driving me crazy she told me because I heard you I want you to do the Hopa I didn't know why she needs me there's other rabbis but now I know when the Germans murdered my grandfather and my uncles most of the family rabbi Lau survived be strong may allow with his brother Naftali but the mother was killed the father was killed brothers they thought it was finished 74 years later his grandson his namesake is here to marry your your daughter the elderly man and the young rabbi Lau meet at the hoop of his daughter more than seven decades after the destruction of European Jewry imagine and when I heard this story rabbi Lau shared us on a radio interview when they asked him why are you a rabbi it taught me so much it captured the secret the essence of Jewish history where our grandparents left off we take over where our parents left off we take over and we pass it on the word forgiveness in Hebrew is nihilo Mithila comes from the word Mahal there's a circle there's a dance we're all part of that circle were part of that dance when I refuse to forgive you I want to push you out of the circle you refuse to forgive me you want to push me out of the circle we allow pettiness or bigness in our mind to push each other out of the circle but Jewish history is a Mahal we're all part of a symphony we're all part of a dance and we we carry grudges hate negative energy we can't dance you know what it's like it's like the blood circulating around the body in this dance hundreds of thousands times a day a week a month a year and what happens when there's a clot the blood is not allowed to flow to dance to sway through the body you have the Skeena God's presence is the heart of the Jewish people and every Jew is an Ava is a limb and when I block you out I want to create a clot and the dance is affected the symphony is compromised because everyone has a light to project where they started we continue and we have the courage to continue that dance to continue that Mahal thank you very much you

Channel: YEHUDI

Views: 23,891

Rating: 4.778656 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: tlCL_R2V7Y4

Length: 44min 55sec (2695 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 21 2016