Slovie Jungreis Wolff - Back to Eden

thank you so very much what a great honor it is to be here I'd really a mailed on Friday that I'm canceling because of the hurricane and here we are thank God and I I told Rabbi that I believe that God spared Miami because of you hoody so here we are and it's really special to be here I was invited to speak in Palm Beach and as I got on the plane I was very excited because the two seats next to me were completely empty and you know that feeling when you're flying and I spread all my stuff out and I figured this will be great I can do a lot of work and as the doors are about to close a couple comes on the plane and they of course sit down right next to me and from the moment that they sit down till the moment we land all they did was fight I exactly so the pilot announces that we have to turn our phones off and I hear him say I need to make some calls he tells his wife and I hear him calling people to say we're going to Star Island for two months now and she says turn off your phone and he says making calls and she says turn off your phone so finally she grabs his phone he does this on her hand for the rest of the flight they're bickering and bickering and bickering and I'm thinking to myself how are they going to last for two months on Star Island if they can't last for two and a half hours on a flight as we're coming down to land he says to me and what will you be doing here and I said well I'll be lecturing about relationships so he gives me a look and that was it how is it that we come from the Hopa and we're so in love and then we can't even sit across the table from each other what happens so the Torah teaches us how to live join me today we're going to take a virtual journey and we are going to visit the Garden of Eden and together we are going to discover the secret of love how to make relationships endure according to the wisdom of the Tora so who is the first couple who ever lived we know Adam and Eve Adam and hava but Adam the first man was created alone and there he is in the Garden of Eden he has everything no mortgage payments okay no bills no pressures no headaches no nothing his angels serving him food whenever he wants and God says to him I am going to bring to you every animal that I created and you Adam you are going to name every animal and here we see the beauty of Jewish wisdom comes the dog and how do we say in Hebrew dog Kel of exactly do you know why Adam the first man looked at the dog and said this animal is my heart anyone who has a dog knows you come home maybe your wife's not talking to you your husband's not talking to your kids are not talking to your dog right your dog is jumping up and licking you and looking at you with those big eyes and you feel so good Caleb comes from the word can lave like a heart because when Adam saw the dog he said wow this animal goes into my heart and in fact in fact I just read that a study came out that dogs and their owners have matching heart rates can you imagine that can live Kaleo like a heart take another animal and here you see the beauty of LaShawn kodesh of the holy tongue God said this animal is a camel what are you going to call it in Adam says gum mal why gum ah listen carefully lesson in living whenever you want to take a ride on an animal let's say your horse or a donkey what do you have to do you have to climb up on the animal but a gum ma a camel comes down it's the only animal that will bend low and you climb over why gum all comes from the word Cassatt to give because if you've want to learn how to give to somebody if you want to learn how to do a favor for somebody don't make it difficult Adam is teaching us look at this camel instead of making us climb onto its back it bends down this is how you do favors for people let's say you say to somebody I can give you a lift to the wedding but you have to be ready and you have to meet me at the corner and it's going to be very hard and you Kretsch and you complain and you sigh a lot and the person's like you don't forget it gum I'll teaches us a camel teaches us how to do good so Adam is seeing all these different animals and then suddenly it dawns on him that each animal has a match and he says hey God what about me where's my match why couldn't God just create the couple together and I'm going to throw a piece of parenting in here for all the parents and future parents and grandparents because if you are going to appreciate something or somebody in your life you have to be hungry for it you have to be thirsty for it if God would have just given him a woman a wife he wouldn't have had that desire he had to ask for a woman he had to ask for love to appreciate love so when you see a child and you keep buying something for that child and you buy 20 stickers and 30 shopkins right and you have all those mitts all over the house and sweatshirts and then you wonder why there are headbands under the couch and in the car and under the bed and why do they keep losing it because they're not hungry for it we keep giving and giving and giving and there's a lack of appreciation so God wanted Adam in all the future Adams in the world to appreciate the woman when he asks God creates for him a woman ha assha the woman and he looks at her he wakes up he looks and he goes Wow Wow it's a matzah my bone of my bones buzzer be sorry flesh of my flesh Wow but you know what he does not say he does not say Misha Mohnish mighty soul of my soul do you know why that is because when you love somebody that initial love that's not really love sometimes it's lust sometimes it's desire that's not love that's not a soul mate you know when soul mate comes you shall Manesh mighty soul of my soul when you go through things in life that's real love when you stay up at night and your heart is beating fast and you're so worried and the person next to you your husband your wife says it's going to be okay I promise we're going to make it I'm here for you I love you we're going to get through this that's love when you stay up the whole night and you can't breathe and that person next to you you realize is not just a roommate but a soulmate that's neshama nish mati soul of my soul but Adam did not reach that level yet and it reminds me some years ago every Tuesday night we had he Nene where my mother would have over 1,000 singles in the room and she would teach them Torah my job was to make matches at the end of the class I would have a Polaroid camera okay there'd be this huge line of young men and women and I'd have to match one to the other one night there was a young man who came to me and I realized that every single week I'm setting him up and every single week he's back and nothing's happening so I say to him I I think I have someone good for you and I point and he says no and I say how do you know how do you know now he said when I meet her it's going to be I'll never forget this it going to be electric and I say to him listen to me my friend electricity burns out you have shorts you have blackouts and you have brownouts and that's life you might have electric in the beginning but it has to be more than this neshama nish mati soul of my soul so God says to Adam and to his wife this whole paradise is yours everything here belongs to you there's just one tree and this one tree you don't touch into the scene comes we all know that now Josh what's an Akash a snake what does that mean a snake listen carefully my friends because this is the secret to life and now hush is silent a snake is silent you can be on a camping trip and you're sleeping and you open one eye because you feel something but you're not so sure and you see the slithering snake coming and it's a silent killer and before you know it it's there what's a nosh unless shown Kadesh in the holy tongue it comes from the word men now flesh which means to guess to imagine you see the imagination is like that silent snake and we say to ourselves and we don't even realize what we're doing if only because you could be with somebody and you could see somebody else and say hmm if only if only I had a wife like that I'd be so happy do you see the way her husband always buys her flowers if only my husband would do that I'd be so happy if only if only my kids were like those kids I wouldn't be a crazy mother there's such good kids if only I had his job you see the reason I'm so angry is because my job I've so much stress what does he do the whole day and when we live like this it's like an Akash it's a snake it's a silent killer because it does not allow us our imagination does not allow us to appreciate the blessings that we have we're so busy imagining and thinking and imagining other people's lives and other people's blessings and you go on Facebook and you say wow look at that vacation there in Hawaii look how happy I never go to Hawaii but you don't see what happened before you snap the picture right we only focus on other people's lives on those moments and we imagine and we forget to look at the blessings we have and we do this to ourselves and we strip ourselves of happiness we all do this I was in Israel some time ago visiting my daughter who lives there and we decided that it was a summer day a very hot summer day and we decided that we would go to Jerusalem and take a long walk and have a Froyo together on Ben Yehuda Street so she took a double stroller I took another stroller and you know it was one of those very very hot days in Jerusalem like a three shower day I would call it so there we are walking I'm thinking this is a nice day and I say to her where is and I asked about one of my friends who's visiting Jerusalem and she said Oh mommy's there in a spa in the volcano of thinking a spa in the volcano that sounds super what am i doing wheeling a stroller in a hundred and ten degrees getting a Froyo this isn't fun that's the knock that's the snake that's the imagination that doesn't allow you to be present in the moment I had a woman call me after winter vacation actually here she came to Miami she called me when she got back crying I couldn't even hear what she was saying I said what's the matter and she said oh my god I met my college boyfriend it's 20 years later I think I married the wrong guy that's the nosh that's the snake that's the silent killer of imagination and so this niosh the silent snake says The Hobbit who was then only called ha Aisha the woman listen you can't even touch that tree just give it a little touch little touch doesn't do anything dry God had never said that and that's how he got her then to eat and then this woman turns to Adam because she didn't want to be the only one and she said eat and they eat what that was forbidden to them because we always want the one thing that we can't have that's human nature that's how we destroy what we have and all of a sudden there is a darkness in the world like a spiritual Hiroshima the world becomes black any light that was there is gone and Adam goes and cowers under a tree at that time it was Rosh Hashanah the first brush Hashanah that ever existed in the world and God asks one word one question and this became a question for you and for me to ask every single day of our lives but especially now as we approach you don't keep her in these days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur days of introspection God says hayek huh where are you where are you Adam let me ask you something there's only two people in the world here we're talking about God okay you can't really get lost God has to say iyyaka where are you God does not know where Adam is my friends of course God knows where he is this was a question for Adam and all the Adams who came until today for you and for me to say iyyaka where am I this morning I was singing with angels look at me now caring under a tree how did I get here how did I get into this relationship how did I become this person I echo where am i where am I going in my life we're Am I because if I don't know where I am I don't know where I'm going and I live my life mindlessly and that's how we make mistakes in life and we lose time precious time and iyyaka can also be read as a huh which means a how how did this happen to me how did I get into this position you know sometimes I'll meet with a couple and I think to myself wow he is you know so charming and she's so sweet and we're sitting at this table and the two of them cannot look at each other they can't even have a kind word with each other uh-huh how did this happen how is it that under the hook we look at each other and everything so perfect and we get to this moment we're not a word comes out that's not hurtful I Iike where are you AAHA how did you get here I was sitting with a couple and they were having difficulties and I heard what he had to say and I heard what she had to say and then I said I have homework for both of you and I turned to her and I say you're going to be first but don't worry he'll have his time in the Sun this is what I want you to do I say to her when he comes home every night I want you to get off your computer I want you to get off your laptop I want you to look at him and I want you to say something like hi honey how are you how was your day I'm so happy to see you okay and she goes I can't do it and I look at it when I say you can't do that what part of that can't you do it is it the hi how are you is it the off the laptop is it the smile is it the how was your day and she says the whole thing I can't do the whole thing I can't and I'm thinking to myself oh my god hey huh how did we get to this that you can't even say to your husband hi honey how are you how was your day and get off your phone get off your phone do you know how often next time you're in a restaurant look around you see couples sitting together and we stop looking at each other who's ever on that phone is more important than the person sitting across from me right now the person that I am supposed to love most in the world but I'm looking at my phone hey how did I get to this I used to love to look at you I used to wait for you to look at me and now we both do this there's one question that we must ask ourselves when it comes to Shalom buy it and that means when it comes to the peace in our home and what is that question the question is for this for this I lost my shell on bias for this I lost the piece of my home you know what when I speak to couples who are having difficulties and challenges most of them do not even remember what the original fight was about most of them just remember that there was a certain point where they stopped talking to each other they had an argument most cannot even remember what happened and that bad feeling just keeps growing for this for this I lost my showman bias every Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur we have high holiday Services in New York City my husband and I go to the hotel there was one year one Yom Kippur where my husband said to me that he will meet me in the hotel for our he nanny services if I could pack for him I said sure I meet him in the hotel it's time to change for Yom Kippur he's in a navy blue shirt and a baseball cap and I do have his permission to tell the story I just want to reassure everybody from my solemn bias for my peace in the home and he says to me where's my white shirt and I say it's in the suitcase and he says I can't find it and I'm thinking to myself please so I look in the suitcase and my heart starts to beat you know that feeling I do not see ash white shirt so then I start opening up all the zipper things on the side even those little sock things I'm thinking like maybe I rolled something up but nothing there and he's looking at me and I'm looking at him it's getting very tense this is before Yom Kippur and I know what he's thinking he's thinking I asked you to do the thing and you can't do that one thing and I'm thinking how old are you that you can pack for yourself okay and we're both just looking at each other okay and it's not good it's before Yom Kippur and then I think to myself this one question for this for this I'm going to lose my show on bias my piece in my house for a white shirt I'm going to give up harmony and peace and I say to him you know what we're in New York City I will run out and get you a shirt and he said where don't worry I run out come back with the shirt it's many years later the shirt is frayed it's stained a little torn at the collar but I've never thrown it out you know why it's my shell um buy a shirt it's my reminder that is always there telling me for this for this I would lose my Shalom bias for a shirt and it's something that you and I must ask ourselves when we are in a relationship all the time every single day uh-huh how did I get to this point that we're not talking to each other so God says to Adam so how did this happen hey huh I echo where are you and you know what he says the classic answer Hacha the woman she did it she made me do it wasn't me God the woman that you gave me she's the one it's her fault isn't it amazing how human nature never changes it's never me it's my mother-in-law it's my boss it's my wife it's my husband it's my kids it's never me as long as it's never me we can never really answer this question with honesty I echo where are you where are you there was a very incredible story in the Gemara and the story is about a man whose name was Eleazar Ben dar Darya Eleazar Ben dar Daria he sinned the most terrible sins and when he was about to sin a most terrible sin the woman that he was with said a lesser bender Daria I want to tell you something you are going to the pits of the Arve you are going to burn and he says nothing and then he gives out a shout and he says shall my invites heaven and earth answer me there's silence her remote mountains and valleys answer me silence in the world Kohath him Amazo load stars planets answer me again there's silence in the world and we are told that what he was really saying is heaven and earth it's not me God okay you can't blame me it's it's the atmosphere you know it's it's my culture it's my neighborhood it's the office everybody does it it's my community it's my neighbors it's it's what everyone does after work okay it's not me it's my house come into my house you feel you'll understand what's going on this is why I am who I am don't blame me but there's silence and then he tries another route and he says hurry Moog vote mountains and valleys what's that her rim is really hold him parents parents and teachers you know what God you want to know why I messed up in life I'll tell you I had the worst teachers I never connected to my teachers my parents were dysfunctional at a crazy house at a crazy upbringing I once met someone and she said to me I know in parenting you always speak about anger and I'll tell you I'm an angry person I scream at my kids I do I always scream at my kids what could I tell you but my mother was a screamer my grandmother was a screw we're screamers I'm a screamer it's not me it's my grandmother it's my grandmother go home mo Mazel oat stars and planets you know this is why I am Who I am this is why I messed up it's not me it's my karma it's my Mazel my brother has much better Mazel my sister has much better karma don't blame me everyone around me they have much better luck they get the job I never get the job they're successful I'm never successful they get the girl I never get the girl they get the ring I never get the ring so I'm angry and we blame everyone around us and we never take responsibility for our lives and when Eleazar bender Darya when he heard the silence he gave out such an anguished cry and he said oh my god Lowe had over Tully ellaby this is not dependent on anyone else but me I get it the buck stops here the buck stops here and he was so filled with remorse and regret for his life and anguish for constantly blaming everyone else in everything else and never taking responsibility that his soul left him he had so much pain and a voice was heard from heaven and it said from now on you will not be a lesser bender Daria you are going to be called ready the great rabbi and the great teacher because you have taught the world and generations to come how to do teshuva which means how to return to be the person that you were meant to be in this world that means that you and I take responsibility because once I do that I can uplift myself in my relationship and my relationship will endure and I will become a person who lives with legacy and meaning and passion but passion for good things it means responsibility I was giving a lecture and I received a call from a husband and he said I know my wife is coming to your lecture tonight I'm begging you I'm begging you my wife is out of control she doesn't stop screaming she screams at me she screams at the kids she's always on her phone she's never paying attention can you talk about this tonight it's a marriage class so I go I do my best passionate speak about it at the end of the class she comes over she said that was amazing I only wish my husband was here to hear true story because that is human nature it's never me never me so God when he hears this it's not me it was herb God says you know what out out of paradise you never appreciated you stopped appreciating you don't deserve to be here out and you Adam you Adam you are going to have to sweat you're going to have to sacrifice to make a buck everything came so easy to you now you're going to learn what it means to appreciate and you woman you're going to see what it means sometimes to feel pain in life for children for relationships don't take life for granted you got a sweat to feel to grow and so out they go we were discussing this at my Shabbos table some time ago my son who was then 9 years old at the time said to me mom that's a terrible story what happened to them did they get divorced and I looked at him and I said le le le my sweet little boy we don't just get divorced we don't just give up in life do you know what happened at the end Adam turned to hot ISA Adam turned to the woman and he says to her from now on you are not going to be called ISA woman you know what you're going to be called have a la tavola Aimco hi because you will be the mother of all living things you know what we you and I we are going to make a life together now we're going to have children we're going to create a family we're not going to give up on ourselves we are going to make it ah now he discovers neshama nish mati soul of my soul now he knows what a soulmate is he could have said her are you nuts you just got us foreclosed we were in paradise you got us kicked out of here what's your problem you know when you have an accident and you're afraid to tell your husband or your wife or you get a ticket imagine getting kicked out of paradise but instead of having rage instead of getting angry instead of looking to blame he said Avila your butt hoverla Aimco hey we're going to make a family together because that is what is really all about when times are good it's so easy to love it's when you go through hardship it's when you go through pain it's when you go through struggle that you figure out do we have shaman bias do we really have peace for this I'm going to lose my piece we're going to make it one of the most difficult funerals that I ever went to was of a young woman that I knew her little children came in behind her was her husband the body was in front the Aaron he comes in he comes up the little children are all hysterical crying in the front and he says I am so sorry I did not treat you with respect I did not treat you with love I did not hear you I was unkind and I have to admit the truth in front of my children I didn't do good for you and I'm asking you I'm asking you in front of everyone here to forgive me and you heard the children just crying and he began to cry and as he left there was no one for him to cry to but himself and that's tragic do we go through things as couples of course you do every couple does but we have to take responsibility and we have to sometimes say I'm so sorry and just as equally and as difficult we sometimes have to say I forgive you and so under the chuppah we make a blessing and you know what the blessing is may you be like Adam now who here would want to be like Adam in the Garden of Eden maybe tell me be like Abraham and Sarah you know be a love story be like Rachel and Jacob that's so beautiful do you want to be like Adam really why do we say that do you know why Adam had to make it work with her Eve do you know why because there was nobody else and if he would choose to turn away there would be no one left so to create a relationship that indoors you must look at the person that you want to spend your life with and say there's nobody else this is my soulmate and we are going to make it work that is the blessing under the chuppah that is how you make it work so I'd like to leave you with this recently recently I heard that somebody that I grew up with passed away a father and I was friendly with his daughter and I decided to pay a Shiva call when I came in to their apartment in New York City she looked at me I had not seen her for over 30 years and she said the rabbi's daughter's here my father was a rabbi the Rabbids ins daughter's here her mother was sitting next to her she said look mommy look was here and I said to her your father had the most beautiful green eyes I'll never forget it and he had such a smile on his face all the time he was such a beautiful man and she said to me look at me I have my father's eyes and I said you're right I never realized it and she said to me every single morning I look in the mirror I look at my eyes and I remember something that your father told me under the chuppah do you want to hear it is it off of course they want to hear it it's 40 years later I get to hear something from my father that I've never heard before and she says there we were under the chuppah I felt like prince and princess king and queen it was never a happier couple I mean it was magic it was magic and your father gave us his blessing and then he said I know that you don't really imagine or believe this right now but the day will come down the road that you're going to look at each other and you're going to think who is this person I don't recognize him I don't know her whose face is this whose voice is this I don't know what this person is and you may even feel as if you are strangers so what do you do at that point the eyes are the window to the soul look into each other's eyes don't say a word nothing look into each other's eyes you know why because eyes never change think about that eyes never change an eyes are the window to the soul and she said to me that through the years there were times that she looked at her husband and he looked at her and for sure they did not recognize each other and she's thinking who is this person how do I get back to that time under the chuppah and she remembered the words of my father Shh don't say a word look into each other's eyes you know why because eyes never change and discover each other's soul and if you can do that if you can do that then you can say Shama nish mati soul of my soul and that is a relationship that endures I wish all of us in this room today the blessing of showing by it the blessing of peace in the home peace in our home means not only peace in the homes that we live in but our bodies our homes for our neshama for our soul peace in our homes peace in our bodies between body and soul we're very blessed to be here today a day of inspiration when you go home think about what we spoke about today think about Nisha - mighty soul my soul think about asking in quiet without phones without Instagram without Facebook think about oh yeah go where am I how did I get to this place where am I going in my life eh huh how did this happen to us and what can we do to make it better think about the new Haj the snake that comes silently and doesn't even allow us to enjoy our blessings and think about the way the snake keeps shedding its skin over and over again but comes back that's imagination when we think they have it better and think about the young man who had to say I'm so so sorry for hurting you for not listening for being unkind because thank God you and I are here and we have opportunity every day to make our today better than our yesterday let's do it thank you so much you

Channel: YEHUDI

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Id: 1AMsAd95ljg

Length: 42min 42sec (2562 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 23 2016