Questions to Ask Before You Marry

Clayton King has been with me before and we had a great time talking about very interesting things like bear hunting and and stuff like that but more seriously we talked about one of his books where he talks about this parrot of the paradox of giving up your life in order to find it he talked about his wife quite a bit as you may recall in the interview and so we figure it's time to have Clayton back with his wife and their latest book called 12 questions to ask before you marry welcome sherry thank you are you happy to be here I am we've been to Canada once already and we loved it oh you know it's interesting Clayton you mentioned in another one of your books which we'll be highlighting in a future interview that Canada is mysterious to many Americans why is that I think Canada is enough like America that we feel an affinity towards our Canadian brothers and sisters but we don't really understand hockey we don't understand a and it's so big I think that most most Americans look at Canada as this big vast wilderness and they don't realize that there are great cities like Toronto and Quebec and even where we just recently were in Vancouver oh sure but we love Canada we just took a vacation with our family and spent a week on Victoria Island Vancouver Island Corral and had a blast yeah well it's it's good to have you here and at least you're trying to understand Canada a lot of Americans just figure it's they don't know much about Mexico they don't know much about Canada you know and that's why it's legitimate to say to some at least Americans I think you live in the biggest island in the world exactly exactly I agree 12 questions to ask before you marry you know we can't get through all the 12 questions but I as I was as I was reading the book I before you even mention it I thought one question that has to be asked before you marry is what are your expectations and sure enough that's chapter 7 in your book have you communicated your expectations what are we talking about here sherry expectations as far as what are you wanting in a husband what are you wanting in a wife what are you wanting out of marriage do you want to have children do you not have children are you career based you know all those things are scary to talk about sometimes when you're afraid you're going to lose someone if you disagree over it but we've talked about how it's much easier to go through those questions before marriage than to get married and then to realize you never talked about but you raise a very important point you don't want to lose this person and so you're sort of in a Salesman mode you're selling yourself right and it's pretty easy to fudge isn't it on some of these things it is but would you want to sell someone else on something that's not real and then when you get in the marriage you've kind of not meant to lie but you're stuck in this marriage and not really knowing the person and I think that's what a lot of our chapters are about tell the truth tell about who you are be honest with one another and if you get to the end of that and you love each other and you can make it work then get married but don't you know put on a facade at the beginning just to win someone and then you're married to someone you didn't really know Clayton there's so many dating sites now on the internet and opportunities to hitch up with somebody people are desperate for a meaningful relationship how is it possible when that's your driving motivating force to be brutally frank and honest with somebody when you fear that that honesty is going to result in rejection well you're you're totally right God wired human beings to connect in relationships marriage is that most intimate and should be most lifelong of all relationships so when you meet someone that you are interested in you want to put your best foot forward you're like you said you're kind of trying to sell yourself it's in many ways almost like test driving a car you want to make sure this is what I want but the long-term approach is a much more healthy way to look at marriage not just can I get this person to fall in love with me not just asking the question what do I have to do to land this relationship the bigger question is are we compatible for the long run are we going in the same direction do we want the same things out of life and if we want to have a lifelong marriage that's going to actually last then we have to be honest about who we are where we're heading the things that we want to get out of life one of the things that we found as we were writing the book and doing the research and then 25 years of ministry that I've been involved in is that many people don't even think about those issues before they get married they tie the knot based solely on this subjective idea of being in love but if you dig a little deeper and you ask tougher questions what does it even mean to fall in love we make this statement in the book anyone can fall in love but can you walk in love falling in love is accidental walking in love is deliberate and so marriage is not about falling in love marriage is about walking in love day in day out for years and decades and that's the ultimate goal so if you ask the right questions before you tie the knot there's a much better chance that knot will stay intact over the long haul you you are on a pastoral team that's overseeing a major congregation well about 20,000 people view our church at NewSpring has non campuses with over 20,000 p.m. so you are faced with the realities of people living life on a major scale why the high rate of divorce in your perspective I'm sure one of the reasons writing the book is so that people don't end up divorced but why is it that relationships seem to be failing is it because they're not communicating expectations not asking the 12 questions it's a big question there are so many subtle nuances that should be discussed when we talk about law divorce is so prevalent I hate to paint with a broad stroke but I would say to simplify a very complex issue I think our Western culture is very me focused people are very self-centered myself included I think we have a romanticized idea of what marriage and love and romance will look like and I think many people find out shortly after they tie the knot that the honeymoon phase doesn't last forever you've got to learn to get along you have to learn to work together you have to learn to live and a home together where you share a bedroom a bathroom a kitchen when children are born it's no longer just about you and your dreams that now becomes about them and raising them to be good citizens of the world and so I think that there are lots of surprises that people have it banked on that people haven't prepared for and in a westernized culture that esteems the individual above the community or the individuals rights and Happiness above the family unit divorce seems to be a very easy option when things get tough it's just easier to walk away than it is to really buckle down and do the hard work marriage is hard work we say this in the book marriages for grownups so if you want to get married grow up well you know that occurred to me as I was reading your book that when you're talking about these questions these are questions that mature people ask not questions that immature people ask immature people have no idea what they're getting into yeah and I'm wondering is it possible when you're 19 or 20 or 21 or 22 years of age to even have the capacity to ask these kinds of questions well that's our job that was our dream in writing the book and we never we didn't get together and get married and say ho let's write a book about marriage now that we're married we just started traveling around and ministering and we started noticing that people kept asking us how we had such a good marriage how we loved each other so much and when it became something that we just felt like we were telling people everywhere we went we thought what have we done you know how did we do this and I remember when I first met Clayton he I felt like he was testing me one of the first questions he said to me or statements was I'm in ministry I'm going to travel all over the world and if you're not okay with that I guess you're just gonna have to jump off the ship you know or and I remember another time he said to me we were walking down the driveway just taking a walk as a dating couple from the house he just thought he said what if I lose everything what are you going to do are you going to leave me are you going to you know and I said well then I guess we'll lose everything together and just walk down the road whatever road we have and so we had hard questions from the beginning and this guy is just so good at confronting things that are hard and I think I was a little more hesitant but when we brought out the hard issues we knew who we were when we were getting married and so we wanted to be able to say this is a book that I think people who are married still need to ask themselves if they didn't think about him before people who may have been divorced and they're getting married again and they want it to work this time these are hard questions but I feel like people are getting married very immature now and they need to grow up a little bit before they make a lifelong commitment and we're not used to lifelong commitments we're used to you know see if this works for a little while and I've been in a I've been in a marriage that's been through multiple divorces I didn't even know if I thought that marriage could last and I think that's where a lot of people are they get in marriage they don't know if it can last when it gets hard they're like well this didn't last either and they give up because I think I couldn't do it obviously you know you said you were a part of a marriage as a child growing as a child my mom was married three times my dad was married three times so were you were you a little gun-shy when it came to the idea of marrying Clayton I had hoped that marriage could work but to be honest in college I was ready to go be a missionary or just have a career but I had a campus minister who I lived with for about six months and I watched his family work his wife and his kids and I watched their family and I saw the Lord used them and it gave me hope that I could have that too and when I when I watched them I said Lord will you give me this too can you give me that hope can I have this as well because because I just wasn't really sure that marriage was going to work for me I was just going to follow the Lord and if it plopped down and the Lord gave it to me then I was gonna so what was your first disappointment with this guy um you can tell the truth oh come on that she always tells now no I I didn't I didn't warn you but what was what was number one displaying with Clayton I think I know and he I think he was actually disappointed with the same thing when I found out that he had dated a girl before me for four years and they were very serious and you know when we dated I kept saying well what's better about me than her why wouldn't you go back to her because she started calling our house making she had a wreck and and he had a wreck I want to know if he's okay I'm like why is this girl calling our house so um why is he taking the call I know it only took one and I said this and I'm and I had actually been engaged before him so I had so that was that was my disappoint yeah he was a loser yeah no kidding he was not a loser he's yeah it just wasn't right and I'm and I've listened to my family they were concerned for me what was your first fight about well for us the biggest fight we had during our dating and engagement phase of life was my schedule I travel you know when we I think the year that we were married I traveled over 300 days that year and she traveled with me once we was married but before that I was I was preaching at church's youth rallies missions conferences I was going to India three or four times a year I was leading teams of college students and so the schedule was a source of contention for us and that's one of the things that we talk about in the book you've got to learn how to communicate I did not want to hear her say I need you to be here more and in order for us to have a relationship we've got to be home together more I just wanted to kind of keep on doing my own thing and one of the things that we learned early on is a marriage is not about two single people who come together as roommates pursuing their individual dreams a marriage according to God's Word is where two people become one flesh I'm joined at the hip yeah and what we did in the book is we took the 12 biggest issues that all of the experts tell us caused a divorce everything from money to lack of communication to to family issues to expectations we take those twin sex and intimacy we take those 12 biggest issues and we frame every one of those in the form of a question and these are the 12 questions that you should ask either before you're married or as early in your marriage as you possibly can so that they don't sideswipe now one of the questions and it's another chapter in the book is the business of marrying a family you're not just marrying an individual you're marrying a history you're marrying a culture or a subculture the you know that the King family you know it has its own little entity and that's not always apparent to couples who are deeply in love that one day they're going to have to go to Aunt Emma's for Thanksgiving if they don't they're going to hear about it right right this was something that we had to deal with she's from Atlanta she's a big city girl I'm from a small southern town in South Carolina and just as an example when we first started dating she would come home with me for Thanksgiving dinner or for Christmas and my family their southern accent was so pronounced and so deep I mean just imagine the the most unbelievably undecipherable southern accent my family would begin talking and telling stories and jokes and she would literally say can you tell me what they're talking I would smile and just do this and say what are they saying you need the interpretation yeah I had no idea Joe Gant asked me my name and I told her about five times and she said show what well I don't think I'll ever say that and I just don't know what to say truth um you know so that was very fat Lana I'm from Atlanta and as much as Georgia is southern Atlanta is not quite as southern so when I first met his family I really didn't understand them there were stories they told that I didn't know we're funny and I was supposed to laugh I would just listen to him laughing laughs - or smile buddy but what about you know who who do you relate to when when her parents had been divorced remarried three times each I mean if you got this huge extended family or do you just kind of focus on one or two people you know for me my mom and dad have both recently died within the last two years my parents were together for 46 years I come from a more traditional conservative culture the deep south where church and church attendance was the dominant force in culture so for me I never ever thought about divorce when I grew up with my parents divorce was never mentioned it was never an option you worked on marriage you fixed your problems you or you kept it very private you went to your pastor you went to some folks that could help you so when we went into marriage together we made this promise we will never ever discuss divorce it'll never be an option and only by the grace of God but by the grace of God we are making a commitment we're making a vow and so for me I've been able to go back to my parents example of staying committed through very difficult times very hard financial times very difficult times health-wise both of my parents died in their in their late 60s both of them had tremendous health issues but watching them care for one another and love each other so for me they set a great example for her she saw divorce and in many ways was affected by it because of the divorce that took place with her mom her dad or stepdads and she had a taste of what divorce would look like and decided by God's grace I'll not go there and to be fair my grandparents were married until my granddaddy died over 50 years you know and I have aunts and uncles who were still married so there were good examples there it just maybe wasn't quite immediate and he and Joyce I have a large family yeah I have my mom and then she has five brothers and sisters so it's fun that we still have that and his mom and dad have died and so that you know we get to go home for Christmas or Thanksgiving it there's a crowd of people grandkids great-grandkids so hmm but it really is an extended family and a blended one too yeah you always marry a family uh someone told me recently when they got engaged and I said well what do you think about her family have you met her mom and dad oh yeah he said they're crazy they're all crazy how maintenance addicted to drama they're all in debt and then he said this comment but I'm not marrying her family and I stopped him I said Oh buddy yes you are you are marrying her family you marry the entire package and and you'll you'll find that out later on in marriage if you're not we got a minute and we're will never forgive me tell me that the latest jackpot okay this is a great example I wanted to tie this in with marriage and marriage you got to work together right we're a team we're partners she's my best friend recently I was preaching at a very large event and my phone was stolen from my Bible cover backstage I have an iPhone I used to have a Droid and then I gave my life to Christ and that's forgiving my sins and now I have an iPhone 4s iPhone was stolen we used her phone to track my iPhone to find my iPhone get an app yes we had an app we could actually watch my phone move from a satellite image we found my phone two miles away from the church where I was preaching track the guy down 10:30 at night found him in the dark chased him she had a flashlight chased him - you're chasing him yeah I chased him until I got to the woods and I had heels on yeah she had to stop at the edge of the woods so the guy runs through a parking lot down a sidewalk into the woods while I'm yelling and screaming stop thief in Jesus name give me my phone so he threw my phone I guess I frightened him he threw my phone into the woods and using her Find My iPhone app on her iPhone I found my phone was able to recover it a little vigilante justice well I'm there thanks - there's a couple who are working together the books call 12 questions before you marry one of the questions is do you have an iphone the e star it makes its available friends and you can you can log on to cross with CA or call 1-800 265 3100 and order your copy of 12 questions to ask before you marry and it really is good read and it's good stuff it's it's it's just the kind of stuff that you want your kids who are getting married to read and we'll be hearing more from Clayton sometime in the future

Channel: 100huntley

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Keywords: interview, huntleystreet, sep-25-12, HS9204, 100huntley, christian, accidents, physical, trauma, arguing, disagreements, blessing, changes, marriage, community, confusion, dating, divorce, expectations, family, friendship, goals, ambitions, guidance, assistance, help, honesty, dishonesty, lying, love, maturity, morals, values, motives, opportunities, risk, problem, solving, decision, making, relationships, respect, trust, unity, wisdom

Id: diWZM2IwVuY

Length: 18min 40sec (1120 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 25 2012