♪♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK. LET'S SO STRAIGHT TO THE MAN OF
THE HOUR, MR. JON BATISTE. HELLO, JON! >> Jon: HELLO, STEPHEN. >> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS! I HAVE NEVER BEEN CLOSE FRIENDS
WITH AN OSCAR WINNER BEFORE. HOW DOES IT FEEL? >> Jon: OH, MAN, IT'S HARD TO
PUT INTO WORDS, AND IT'S HARD TO CONCEIVE OF IT ALL. IT WAS A GREAT, GREAT DAY. I'LL SAY THAT. >> Stephen: NOW, WHEN THEY
ACTUALLY CALLED OUT YOUR CATEGORY, ATTICUS ROSS AND TRENT
WEGNER WERE ALSO NOMINATED FOR MANK. DID IT TAKE A SECOND TO FIGURE
OUT WHICH MOVIE HAD WON? YOU WERE NOMINATED FOR SOUL. DID YOU KNOW IT FIRST OR DID IT
TAKE A SECOND FOR IT TO SINK IN? >> IT TOOK A MINUTE BECAUSE
THERE WAS MUSIC PLAYING AND THE MUSIC STARTED PLAYING AND THE
CLAP STARTED HAPPENING, AND I HEARD MY NAME, BUT I WASN'T
SURE, AND THEN I SAW THE CAMERA JUST GO, BOOM. AND THAT'S WHEN I WAS, LIKE, OH,
WELL, THERE WE GO, WE WON. >> Stephen: SO WHAT DID YOU DO
LAST NIGHT? >> OH, MY GOODNESS -- WE HAD A
LOT OF CELEBRATION. I GOT TO CHAT, HANG OUT WITH MY
MAN DANIEL KALUUYA, CONGRATS TO DANIELLE. >> Stephen: YES. AND HER IS INCREDIBLE. AND WE ALL WERE THERE HANGING
OUT AFTERWARDS. AND THEN WE WENT TO DINNER WITH
ALL OF THE TEAM FROM PIXAR AND TRENT AND ATTICUS AND ALL OF OUR
PIXAR SOUL TEAM. AND BY THE END OF THAT, IT WAS
ABOUT 1:00 A.M. OR 2:00 A.M., AND I WAS SPENT BECAUSE, YOU
KNOW, I HAD TO GET UP AND TALK TO GAYLE AND THE FOLKS OVER AT
THE MORNING SHOW. AND THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH
EVERYTHING AND I SLEPT ALMOST TILL WE'RE SPEAKING NOW. >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR
GETTING UP IN TIME FOR THE SHOW. DO YOU HAVE THE OSCAR WITH YOU. >> YES. >> Stephen: MAY WE SEE? >> Jon: MAN, THIS IS HEAVY. >> Stephen: OH, THAT'S NICE. YOU'VE JUST GOT TO WALK AROUND
LOS ANGELES FOR A WHILE WITH THAT. I GET THAT ON A CHAIN JUST
HANGING AROUND YOUR NECK FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS. OH, THIS OLD THING? ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS. IT'S AMAZING TO SEE IT. IT WOULD BE A LITTLE HEAVY FOR A
CHAIN, BUT MAYBE IF I PUT IT ON, LIKE, A ROLLING MANTEL. >> Stephen: OR THE TOP OF A
WALKING STICK, YOU GO AROUND LIKE THAT. >> Jon: A STAFF. >> Stephen: EXACTLY! LIKE A VERY GLAMOROUS GANDALF. >> Jn: YEAH, I SEE THAT. I LIKE THAT. >> Stephen: GLAMDOLF! CONGRATULATIONS, JON. BEAUTIFUL SPEECH, BEAUTIFUL MAN. WE'RE ALL PROUD TO KNOW YOU. COME ON BACK JOULE OH, MY
GOODNESS, THANK YOU. >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON
BATISTE, EVERYBODY. Y'KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
PANNING IN THE OLE' NEWS RIVER TO STRAIN OUT FOR YOU THE
FINEST, MOST TOPICAL GOLD STORY NUGGETS, CLEANING AND SMELTING
IT TO PRECISELY 1943 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT, CAREFULLY POURING IT
INTO A HANDCRAFTED CASTING MOULD, THEN SANDING AND
POLISHING IT TO A MIRROR FINISH, TO CREATE FOR YOU THE 24 CARAT
CAMEO LOCKET THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I COMPLETELY
FORGET IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. SO I RUMMAGE THROUGH THE BACK OF
THE PANTRY, FIND A BOX OF KRAFT MAC AND CHEESE I BOUGHT FOR Y2K,
STRING THE STALE NOODLES ONTO SOME USED FLOSS, SPRAY IT WITH
SOME GOLD KRYLON, BEDAZZLE IT WITH BROKEN COKE BOTTLES TO
PRESENT YOU WITH THE SKIN-RASH INDUCING MACARONI NECKLACE OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: QUARANTINE-WHILE
QUARANTINE WHILE... TWO WASHINGTON D.C. COPS WRECKED
THEIR POLICE VEHICLES WHILE DRAG RACING ON DUTY. THAT IS DANGEROUS AND
IRRESPONSIBLE. STILL, THE BEST PRESS THE POLICE
HAVE GOTTEN RECENTLY. I CERTAINLY HOPE THOSE OFFICERS
ARE FACING DISCIPLINARY ACTION, BECAUSE THE ONLY PERSON
QUALIFIED FOR DRAG RACING WHILE ON DUTY IS RUPAUL. QUARANTINE-WHILE, OVER THE
WEEKEND, THE INTERNET WAS DOWN IN TUMBLER RIDGE, BRITISH
COLUMBIA, AFTER A BEAVER CHEWED THROUGH THE FIBER CABLE. AAAND WE HAVE OFFICIALLY FOUND
THE MOST CANADIAN STORY EVER. BARELY BEATING OUT 2007'S REPORT
IN THE "WINNIPEG QUEEN'S GAZETTE:" HOSER MOUNTIE SLIPS IN
POUTINE, FALLS ONE METRE AND CAUSES CLAMOUR WHILE CASHING
CHEQUE, EH? SOH-RRY. QUARANTINE-WHILE, AS PART OF A
FARMER'S BREEDING PROGRAM, A GIANT AMERICAN ASS CLEARS
BIOSECURITY AND TOUCHES DOWN IN AUSTRALIA. WHAT? I'VE NEVER BEEN TO AUSTRALIA.--
OHH, I SEE. THAT IS A BIG ASS. THOUGH, OF COURSE, EXPERTS IN
THE FIELD USE IT'S SCIENTIFIC DESIGNATION: THE BADONKEY DONK. QUARANTINE-WHILE, ON SATURDAY
HUNDREDS GATHER IN A NEBRASKA FIELD FOR A POOL-NOODLE BRAWL
OVER THE NAME JOSH. I KNOW, I KNOW, THAT STORY
AGAIN. HEAR ME OUT. THIS JOSH FIGHT STARTED OUT AS A
JOKE ON FACEBOOK LAST YEAR BETWEEN GUYS NAMED JOSH OVER WHO
SHOULD HAVE RIGHTS TO THE NAME. THE RESULT WAS HUNDREDS OF
JOSHES FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY MEETING THIS WEEKEND TO SETTLE
IT, FLOPPY SWORD STYLE. >> Stephen: THAT IS FANTASTIC! IT'S LIKE "BRAVEHEART," BUT
SLIGHTLY MORE HISTORICALLY ACCURATE. THE ULTIMATE GOAL WAS TO BATTLE
IT OUT FOR THE TITLE OF "THE ONE TRUE JOSH." SO WHO IS THE ULTIMATE JOSH? 4-YEAR-OLD JOSH VINSON JR.
OF LINCOLN, NEBRASKA, WHO TOOK THE TITLE:
>> IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO SAY? >> I ALWAYS FIGHT EVERYONE. (CROWD CHEERS)
>> STEPHEN: I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE SO CUTE SAY SOMETHING SO
VIOLENT. HE'S LIKE A CARE BEAR HOLDING
A BLOODY TRIDENT. QUARANTINE-WHILE, A HIGH SCHOOL
TRACK MEET WAS INTERRUPTED WHEN A DOG RAN ONTO THE TRACK DURING
A RELAY AND PROCEEDED TO WIN THE RACE. JIM. ( CHEERING )
>> WOW! ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) >> Stephen: THAT IS FANTASTIC! AN EXCITING DAY FOR THE DOG, AND
A GREAT TEASER TRAILER FOR THE MOST BORING SEQUEL EVER:
AIRBUD 6: JUST RUNNING. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
STAR OF "THE FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLDIER," ANTHONY MACKIE. ♪♪♪
