All right we've arrived on the planet Tartarus to
help the local PDF to repel a huge ork invasion. All right, I can't wait to get my hands on-I
mean lead the Sisters of Battle to the victory. By Inquisitorial edict I am taking control of
the Sisters of Battle. Nothing Personal Joe, but I think we would all feel more comfortable if you're with the Imperial Guard instead. Man screw you Obama! I bet you just wanted to
surround yourself with an army of white women. Um guys? Can we focus our aggression towards the
Orks instead? The Tartarus Defense Force didn't ask for us to come here only for us to show them how Holy Terra makes its laws. That reminds me Ben, why are you playing as Craftworld Biel-Tan? It's because he wants to play as the craftworld that wants to Make the Eldar Great Again by throwing out all the non-Eldar and making them pay for it. Makes sense seeing as he voted
for you. I should have figured Benny Boy of all people would pick the most racist Eldar craftworld to play as. Don't listen to them Ben, You've got great taste! Ork encampment spotted, I'll take care of it. You may be clever and resourceful, but so am me. GEORGE?! Clan Bush is coming to liberate your human and eldar societies with the subtlety of Shock and Awe. Oh shoot, and ork commander teleported inside my base. I'll take them out for you Joe, maybe now you see the logic
in strong borders? Do we have any anti-vehicle units to take out Bush's deff dreads? I'm still
learning how to play this because YOU didn't give me time to play the tutorial first. I can send some penitent engines, immolators, and celestians to burn through Bush's mechs faster than he burned his voter base bailing out AIG. That's right Inquisitor: blame your president for your [ __ ]
up when it turned out to be a bad idea. Your bickering is why I'm proud to be Craftworld Eldar, and not an Imperial. Careful Ben, my forces might get sent on a wild goose chase upon hearing blasphemy like that... I've had enough of these ork raids! I'm going to
whack their camps along the southern path while you three tie them up at the middle. Crap! Orks
are trying to get in the city where my base is! Relax Barack it looks like you got it under
control, I-Oh great! I forgot to upgrade my HQ to a monastery so I can give my Marines missile
launchers! Joe, Don; it looks like the Orks are trying to flank your Fortress again. Don't worry,
I'll pack more heat than global warming using my arsenal of flamethrowers and meltaguns. I'm
sending some troops to give you a hand since that doesn't sound reassuring. All right that's
one less ork camp for them to send infantry at us. The Ork horde is trying to overwhelm us with their
numbers but we're still holding the line. Say Ben, do you think you could make some wraithlords to
deal with their nobs and killa cans? You want me to make what, to deal with the Orks' what? Oh
never mind, sorry I asked. I'll have to hope my Leman Russ tanks can keep the Orks at bay until
I get a Mechanized Command. I don't care how many ork boys I lost, I still took the Center Monument
from your petty coalition forces. Your disregard for your own forces is another reason your party
lost in 2008. Sacrifices need to be made for the Greater Good. Of the Great Society. Of what's to
come-uh forget it. I'll work out a response after I win... Look at the bright side: at least the
Orks are too big to fit through that kill zone. I'm going for their Waterworks so I can have
a relic so I can make my Über unit. I guess we can see fewer free relics in our future when you
lead the Blood Ravens instead of the wall-building Imperial fists. Oh stop complaining Barack!
You're in a starting position that starts the game with your own private Relic and an enclosed
facility all to yourself. I'm an Inquisitor. The way I see it, I'm entitled to be more equal
than my comrades. Hey save-save at least one for me and Ben! I want to build a Baneblade, and
Ben should be able to make at least one Avatar. Since I can't build walls in this, I'll settle
for building turrets to stop ork invaders from pouring into our borders. Joe and I are at a
stalemate holding the line against the Orks. Don, do you think you can sneak behind the ork's
lines to trickle-down the ork economy by wrecking their infrastructure so we can break through? I
said I'd do that earlier Barack. Since when was the last time I broke a promise? Well now that
you mentioned, it I have a dossier- Rhetorical question, anyway we've reached the ork bridge!
If we can hold it, we can cut off Bush's supply line to his guerillas in the jungle. Who are you
calling gorillas? Is that supposed to be a slur, humie weakling? Don, why aren't you helping us
break the ork line? I feel like I'm carrying the push, and you and Ben only have token forces here.
What the [ __ ] do you mean by "token" exactly?! Relax guys I have an idea. Gee Don, I didn't
know you had it in you. Says the guy who still hasn't built vehicles or an avatar yet. Anyway I'm
sending my army back into my base to deep strike them behind the Orks' lines. My assault Marines
will jump over the river, and thus be the foot in the door to drop in and wreck Bush's base.
Wait what?! No you can't just steal my strategy from me! Sorry warboss blood & oil, this is the
Blood Ravens you're dealing with here. Next time, be the Deathskulls so you could steal it back from
me. What's the hold up? Why are my Marines-AGH Joe! Why did you block the monument entrance with
a line of turrets?! What's the matter Donnie? I thought you liked walls... It doesn't matter to
me if you're building in parts of the map where it would make the least sense, Joe. My boys have
snuck behind your lines to make out room-I mean make room. You're not ignoring my wall this time
George. Now I'm prepared with listening posts and Border troops to snipe your conspirators. I
wholeheartedly vote in favor of this for the time being, but not if it becomes an unpopular
move later. Barack, everyone here heard you and I'm not an Imperial. You can't mind wipe and
kill all of us. I can just jump into the Webway, and there would be nothing you could do about it!
Ben, I'll do you a favor and clear out the Orks at this Relic. Just capture it, and make an avatar so
you can match your mouth with your muscle. Part of me feels suspicious that Donald Trump; President
of the Bloody Magpies, uncovered a golden Relic he didn't steal-I mean "acquire". But I'll take
it before Joe nabs it. Ben, I have enough money to hire you as a maid. Besides I want you and Joe
to build avatars and baneblades because I want to win this match. While you were distracted saving
your Outposts of Tyranny, I took the liberty of liberating your assault Marines from their mortal
shells into the Gork-forsaken warp whence they came. Actually, you know what?! I'm sending
my assault marines to the other side to hit the ork base at the beach. If I can take out Clan
Griksnocka, you three can send your army through and help me take down the Orks in a pincer move.
Don't you dare storm my dessert-my desert! Too late, we're here to take your land and your oil
to make Tartarus great again. And unlike certain other presidents, I won't be retreating from my
enemies occupying this desert. Oh shut up about Afghanistan already! You didn't do [ __ ] besides
break a promise to withdrawal, and throw me under the bus! I love it when a plan comes together.
What's that supposed to mean, George W. Hush? Sorry Normie, that secret will die with us in
the Illuminati. Now that we can see the ork base, I can call in a dro- orbital bombardment. Why do
we need our infantry to get within visual range of the ork bases? Don't your ships in orbit have
the satellite imagery capabilities to see what's on the planet's surface? No, but the Imperial
Guard headquarters has a scanner that can show the fleet where the ork baces are so the fleet can hit
them. Wait, what my head-cutters have a spanner? I swear to the Emperor Joe! Oh great idea Obama!
You were so concerned with Biden not keeping his hands to himself, you left it to him to guide
orbital strikes! Oh just calm down everyone. Donald's attack on the ork capital is keeping
them distracted. Took out Clan Griksnocka's base, how much longer before you're out of the
woods? The thieving orks are shelling us using stolen guard tanks as artillery. You may
be dangerous and resourceful, but so are we. You never stop thinking of new ways to harm
my ork boys, and neither do we. You mean those weren't ogryns with green camo paint I gave
those Leman Russ tanks to? Damn it, Joe! Guys, I'm so sorry I put him in charge of Tartarus's
PDF guard instead of making him a Guardsman Sergeant. I guess we should just be glad we got
to Tartarus to save the Guard and Ecclesiarchy so they weren't the last line of defense. Ben, I
wouldn't throw stones from a glass house if I were you seeing your lack of an avatar, indicated by
your buildings not glowing red. Give me a break Barack. Do I look like a seasoned gamer to you?
YES! Ben, the builder units grayed-out buildings tell you what you need to do to make vehicles and
the Avatar. It's not that complicated! Even if you guys only have a few units left at the bridge
entrance, any help is better than no help to make the alien ork swarm pay for their trespasses.
What better way to make my love for free trade by giving you a taste of Imperial/Ork Firepower? For
the Love of the Emperor, how many [ __ ] tanks did you give him Sleepy Joe?! We need to prioritize
destroying their Mek Shops, and fast! For once, I agree with Inquisitor Obama. I don't have enough
Brightlance Platforms to 360 Noscope those tanks and kans before they kill my paper mache army.
Well, the good news is I have another Land Raider on its way. A beefy tank brigade is what you
can build with a Trump economy. Say Joe, do you think you can move your entrenched heavy weapons
teams up ahead? We need a clear path for our tanks to drive through. They're busy protecting the
path from orks who sneak by Trump's army. Joe, I think it's time to move your heavy weapon squads
out of the path before I invoke eminent domain, if you get what I'm saying. It won't matter
Donald, my weapons of crass destruction will bomb your Space Marine chapter into more pieces
than Iraq when I was done with it! Let's see how effective your stolen tanks are against my angry
supporters when we get ripped off. Just make sure you send backup so Bush's Freedom™ Fighters don't
just have them all killed or imprisoned. Oh come on Ben, I've managed to whack two ork bases on
my own. Where are your armies, and what are they doing? Don't worry, I'm sending reinforcements. I
swear Ben, that better be an avatar you're making. Another Banshee Squad?! You've got to be kidding
me Ben! Is it a lack of resources?! Here, I'll throw money and power at you three, just make
your Relic units! Don't worry guys, I just built a Mars Pattern Command so I can start sending
Baneblades to end Bush's Invasion. See Ben? Even Sleepy Joe does something right every now and
then. Where did you put it, exactly? Somewhere the orks can't reach. Where would that be; the
same place Iraq's WMD's were hiding? Dang it, he's learning! Oh for the love of Isha! Guys, look
at the trenches behind the fortress. You've got to be kidding me Joe! You built your Mars Pattern
Command in the trenches where baneblades can't maneuver out of?! I guess I spoke too soon by
praising Sloppy Joe. Says the guy who's sicking his Living Saint on a listening post. Yeah sorry
Barack, that is kind of pathetic. Says the guy who got a Blood Raven to give you a free Relic,
and still hasn't made an avatar yet. Fortunately, Bush's orks are nothing I can't handle on my own.
They're usually more challenging on this map, but I guess Bush's leadership is taking a bigger
toll on the ork military than on the ork economy. That's the last ork base, there must be stragglers
in the forest on our side of the bridge if Bush didn't lose the game. I'm sending my army back
to go find them. Just don't get lost in the woods like when you built a Mech base behind
our lines. You terrorized the wrong ork clan, fool! Hopefully, my flamers, Inferno pistols, and
immolators will be enough to take down that Lord of the Rings ripoff. Even if it isn't, I still
have my army that wrecked Bush's four main bases. He had one of those Gargantuan Squiggoths back
there, but I'm sure the one you three are fighting should go down easy since Bush is giving it less
support than Hurricane Katrina victims. I'd be hesitant to repeat the things Kanye West blurts
out if I were you Agent Orange. Before you know it, your goose will be cooked when you're Goose
Stepping to the tunes he's singing. Yeah? Well you aren't going to be much of a military threat
without your squiggoths stampeding fledgling Nations you're trying to conquer. Barack, Joe,
Ben, are you still fighting that squiggoth? We finally managed to kill it, and cleared the
entire map except for one area we forgot about. Tremendous, I'm sending my boys back to the
orbital relay so we can deep strike wherever they're at. ...wait, what do you mean I'm under
attack? The Taliban and Al-Qaeda taught me a thing or two about hit and run attacks...
[Bush loses another base] Dagnabbit, there goes another one of my
clans! Curse the annihilate game mode, and the requirement that my surviving buildings
have to build troops. George, you were done for once Donnie knocked out your bases. Don't worry
George, the pain will be over now that Barack's battle sisters gave me vision into your last camp.
History will vindicate me, seeing as this map is supposed to take place before the dawn of War 1
campaign. [Bush disconnects] And then just like that, BAM! We win! I guess Joe couldn't get a
baneblade stuck if he never built one. Y U NO AVATAR Ben? That settles it. Before doing another
game, we make sure we're all on the same page and learn how to play first. Nonetheless,
good game. The greatest because I won!
