Poly-Drug Addict interview-Tyler

thank you all right Tyler hi Tyler where'd you grow up where are you from originally Nashville Tennessee Nashville and tell me about your family man there's five kids we're all pretty wild each one more so than the last we come from my parents were really conservative they're both Physicians they met at Vanderbilt like I think they they had that whole Southern je ne sais quoi and I think they planned probably like each children each child being born like uh actually three years almost to the date afterwards all four out of the five are Aquarius which means my parents were only having sex in April which is really weird so but that's just to paint a little picture as far as just like uh the culture at the time growing up in Nashville is really cool though I mean the music all around us uh food like it was just like it was a really [ __ ] cool excuse me can I curse you can it's a really cool spot to grow up um especially like looking back at it uh 30 years later but um yeah I mean we're kind of waspy they put us in private schools each and every one of us I ended up I was kind of like I was second born I ended up from sixth grade through 12th I spent schools I finally got to go to public school I convinced him it took me like 10 years to convince him but I finally got to go to public school and I switched schools every year from 6 through 12 twice and 12 so I ended up going to a lot of schools growing up um would you describe your childhood in general we didn't really need anything uh my dad was a heck of a provider but that's all he was a mom was like Mom and Dad um really overbearing um so much love that she didn't know what to do with it so it came out in a lot of like controlling manipulative ways my dad wasn't ever there like I I didn't speak to my dad like we lived in the same house but he's just not an interpersonal type of dude like there's no getting to know the guy he's a he's from an Army Family he grew like lived in 30 different countries so uh he just wasn't there man so it was like my mom and and the kids and uh um I mean we were like all into sports or music I grew up playing piano and and percussion uh as did some of my siblings but uh yeah I mean again like we were none of us got really close because we were all always at a different point in uh in our life like as far as just like grade wise my older brother my dad were like nasty uh Angry um so there was just like a lot that if anything it was either my mom was too overbearing or my dad and brother were just screaming and that was really it so I kind of just always found solace and Solitude like Outdoors or I had like a lot of outlets like to be creative and like just to like get by growing up so just really shelter that was the childhood what kind of kid were you in high school uh kind of like the class clown didn't really fit in so I was kind of putting on a lot of hats uh I'm really my tongue's really sharp so I was like kind of cruel like just to be funny or like try to fit in with certain people so I made a lot of friends really easily especially because I was like switching schools like every every year but um I think just as my father I wasn't able to like really get that close to people too which is probably one of the contributing factors to me um what do you think the end effect is of having a father like that um now that you're an adult yeah my relationships with men are weird um almost non-existent I always get along better with females um I just don't know how to I didn't know how to be like a like a man like when I was in high school you know I just didn't have a a teacher and like my older brother was just absent too he took off early and did his own thing so I didn't have like a coach you know what I mean um what'd you want to do after you got out of school so I started off in music at Belmont in Nashville always wanted to be an architect I grew up like grabbing the Home Market magazines from the grocery stores and uh like drawing what I thought the house should look like or what the landscape should look like so I was unaware of a landscape architecture growing up or like getting in closer to college um so I I switched from music production to the School of Architecture and then found landscape architecture and that was kind of like where I thrived man like I got a bachelor landscape architecture it came with a price I uh it took me eight years to finish undergrad because I lost my fiance a week before I graduated to a drunk driver so like from that point that was like I'm sorry from that point on like set like a the things that got set motion were pretty [ __ ] crazy um yeah I'm sorry man I'm not going to get emotional about that it was about 11 years ago but that was a catalyst for uh what would be the next 10 years in like my last decade um which I heard about derail your life so let me just a quick side note my I was sheltered and my brother and sister right below me gotten a Narcotics um through a music scene like at a younger age than I did so when I lost my fiance I had dabbled I got a ecstasy it like New Year's just to be fun like growing up like that was like the extent of it but uh I got heavy in the uh opiates and and alcohol uh from that point on the first time I ever took it had a heart attack the night after she passed and uh and uh had it that started a wild ride man um it's been it's been a 12-year Battle of uh of trying to find whatever the [ __ ] I think I'm supposed to do um I've had a lot of success in a lot of different areas which we'll probably get to but um I wasn't prepared for that man like when I was going my cat either uh was at the vet or my grandparents were on vacation as in like my parents didn't tell us that like death was a thing so I was not prepared in the least for that experience and it was uh that was for you I was 24. and she was she was 21. yeah damn that's horrible yeah I didn't uh from that yeah I so I started seeking after that I mean um I started seeking uh I did a lot of different things I uh the first thing I actually did was I was encouraged to go to Mexico and try Ayahuasca ibogaine it's like this like weird desert like ritual and ended up meeting them this wild British Italian chick here they didn't take me to Europe for like nine months but uh yeah again I just wasn't prepared for that like at all so uh I can't remember if there was like a second part of that question but no just you know that's such a derailing oh my God yeah absolutely like like I said it took uh eight years for me to get back on track to then uh complete that degree which I was finally able to do but um I have been my the past decade's been riddled with uh breeding Fierce resentment uh tearing down the roof overhead building up a bright outlook for myself um uh finding new relationships Burning Bridges giving away things uh losing things and actually man I don't think I've ever lost anything I think I've always chose to seek pleasure as like a reward and um and in doing so I can't control emotional natures and I lose um and I like give all these things away that are like good and great and holy uh to get high like and that's me man I'm like I uh it's I'm not embarrassed to say so um it was my it saved my life Drug's not going to save my life at the point I guess at that point but um I have just been like I kind of I missed the manual you know I mean like my dad didn't give me the manual growing up so um I've been derailed on and off for the better part of yeah more than a decade now um I moved out to California after that experience I've been out here for about 11 years now um where are you staying now uh Dana Point I have a beautiful new fiance um took me about that many years I met her two years ago we just celebrated two years about two weeks ago it took me that many years to even give myself a shot and um and like look and like having something like that again because like my fear and losing almost anything especially something like that is just so overpowering that it it uh it bars me from a lot of things like I uh I miss out on experiences or opportunities or choose to say no or just stay inside or like depression is like a like a comfortable like dark situation where um because of like fear based on my childhood and what happened with uh my fiance I just I just don't do I just don't do life I just don't life well man like I really don't but again like I said I can build up something like really quickly I like tearing it down too but um I I've been able to help a lot of people through my experiences like I wish I could I wish I could there's so much anecdotal evidence of the past decade is suggested like I have a wild story I'm a cool story and I have like a lot of ways I can help somebody and that's when life gets good man is when I'm able to like try and help like the next man but uh what are you hoping to do now so I own a company um I I it took a long time to do that I uh I had the courage to do so I left La when covet hit because it La got like apocalyptic and weird and people were like skating down the 405 and I moved to the South and uh created an LLC um with having built rapport with like several you know in my industry in the creative industry it's like it's it's kind of like a service too I mean I'm the landscape architect so I had already had some Network to go off of like whether it be my parents or people like from school or my alma mater like so covet my covet year was a blessing like that that that that that kind of catapulted me into a a different version of myself that I never knew was possible I still own that company I'm very lack of days equal I've done three projects in the past nine months so I'm kind of just like surfing right now um are drugs a part of your life still they are yeah they are I uh I ended up getting it to a point where I stayed away from them for three years uh a little over three years and when I lost that time or gave away that time you know I can't put together 30 days um so I'm still risking I do I do things that like significantly diminish cognitive functions so I'm uh I'm playing I'm rolling the dice every day any day that I decide the night not be sober I'm rolling the dice and uh opiates opiates crack cocaine um Xanax fentanyl crack cocaine and Xanax and that's what I uh that's a common combination it seems that's what I choose to uh go after um my fiance has no idea where I am right now I'm not supposed to be where I am right now uh physically mentally spiritually whatever but um yeah man I can't uh I'll probably end up I have a kind of a pessimistic uh but a little bit often yeah I have a I'm pessimistically hopeful that I'm gonna live but I don't think I'll live much longer than I am right now to be honest with you I don't want to be drab or like depressing or like that dark on this web but um that's just like an intuitive that's just like a guttural feeling is that like if I continue on my path like my life's over you know what I mean what do you think was a bigger factor in that Outlook uh your childhood with your two parents or the the loss of your fiance your first fiance I think um I think they were all contributing factors uh the death uh really opened the door um but man I uh I've sought out pleasure before I knew what drugs and alcohol were I was seeking out pleasure anyway I could just like exercising on a runner Tire like a new relationship or taking a trip so I've always sought pleasure but um are you ADHD yeah yeah I don't take meds anymore for that but uh that was probably my first experience with like God with like a medicinal like stimulant so or like uh legal stimulants um yeah so the drugs are kind of self-medicating a bit at this point buddy to be honest with you um I use against my will it's the nature of the Beast I uh I consider myself to be an alcoholic or I subscribe to the fact that I have the mind of an alcoholic and I don't know if any if you or anybody watching like knows about that but uh in in essence my my midbrain my thinking's [ __ ] up so I I use the same brain to try to get out of the problem I got myself into the problem with and I just stay in a cycle of was anyone in your family that was yeah a couple of my siblings suffer from the same disease uh aunts and uncles my parents damn dude they said they should but they don't they don't um yeah it's in the field I don't know like if it's Genetically speaking like have a Native American in us um or again I was just pretty dis yeah I had a predisposition in so many different areas that um it's hard for me like in hindsight it's hard for me to just like pick one I think I just had all trauma all over the place instead of just one big thing that happened to me this lifestyle is it something that you recognize as taking you down with your relationships in your career or or do you see it as something yeah and I think I think I think when I make the choice because from a silver state of mind and body I'm always making the choice to come up and do the gritty things that I like to do um I think that uh I think that it's to subconsciously I think it's to push away from all that the good stuff I don't think I know how to like succeed or like I don't think I like prefer I don't know man it's really weird you have a self-destructive Street yeah and it's like my my introspective nature like only comes out like when I'm prompted like like right here you know what I mean like I don't walk around just like I ignore everything that I probably should um kind of like take into account as far as decision making goes as an adult or like as a child or you know what I mean or like as a lover um I I think it's just it's just fear man it's just fear and they just try to ignore it it's always fear it's [ __ ] always fear hundreds of forms of fear dude but it's it's all the same thing it's all the same thing and uh I try and reinvent the wheel um even though I have things that I know work for me I'm always seeking something new and uh and more will be revealed as far as like why I mean so when that moment comes let's say it's Friday night and you're you're sitting there and the Temptation comes to oh I'll order the Uber right away I won't even drive anymore because I've totaled too many cars I've gotten pulled over too many times I just get in the Uber is there like a devil on your shoulder and an angel on the other one saying yeah do it and I'm so good at this point just at this point I am so good or at least well-versed in in ignore completely uh compartmentalizing the angel and letting it like letting the devil just do its thing or like I'm not blaming it on my good and you I don't think there's like good or bad I think there's a there just is and then and and I choose the uh I choose the easier easier way sometimes is it is it the fun of it the excitement the adrenaline the it's uh it's adrenaline it's exciting it's like the grit it's like the like you're not supposed to do it it's like the sneaking around it's like I'm very crafty and you know what I mean like I think it's uh because once I start doing the drugs I'm not I'm miserable I don't I feel awful what is the Angel boring too boring for you it's a little boring but then I turn to the angel and then I'm like you know I mean I've got so much potential to go in any direction and I'll go so hard in either direction but I just can't seem to like my my road is is is very windy you know there's no straight path for me dude yeah you can't find a career choice or maybe I make good money doing what I do um but the money is dangerous for me yeah I finally got to a point where if I were to put as much effort into doing the drug if I put as much effort into like my work and I'd be [ __ ] killing it man but I just uh I'm not sure that's just not what I'm choosing right now I know I don't know it's unfortunate my family's written their eulogy they don't really talk to me right now because they're scared they're scared I just have my fiance and like clients and support and some friends but does your fiance know the truth of it all she doesn't understand she doesn't she doesn't know I'm doing it right now she doesn't know um I think her Hope In Me Is Bigger Than My Hope in me but it keeps me going on she's one of she's probably a pretty big contributing factor to me being like alive and well and um fiscally or morally responsible right now uh as much as I'm not being so but um yeah she uh I can't be honest with her for the life of me I can't what are you afraid of with being honest with her um I think I just I'm I'm in fear that I just that I hate losing things and I'm I'm in fear that she'll just run which she probably should I mean Fearless she'll go because I don't want to be alone man like I think I see a thriving connections and and seek connection and uh and yeah I give all those away buddy you're looking for love yeah in all the wrong places it doesn't come in a crack pipe doesn't come in a crack pipe who's your favorite memory as a child playing tennis my dad that was the one cool thing about me that I do remember him always always showing up at like uh uh like my games he was he was really cool about that it's really cool about that um that means a lot to a kid seriously it does yeah yeah the one time my dad showed up to one of my little league games I hit a home run oh yeah did you say the only time or the one time that was the only time I think I'd hoped really explained buddy Little League's fun um that and I think just growing up around such like talented people in Nashville it was really that was a that's important too yeah absolutely I think I've just uh who is your most important role model as a kid I don't think I found a role model until I found a a mentor and when I started in the school of landscape architecture I had this Taiwanese Mentor who taught me how to draw and uh he kind of just taught me how to live dude like I learned a lot I'll forever be grateful for this man and he totally changed the the Outlook and chords of my life and like he changed the way I like looked at myself in the mirror and um yeah but it took 20 20 years to find a mint or orderlies for for the student to be ready you know what I mean so wasn't in my family or my immediate surroundings so yeah I was just kind of an isolated like shy random kid so took a long time for me to grow up a little bit is your IMO to go on vendors and then kind of straighten out and go back and forth yeah I go really hard for three weeks and ruin everything and then I'll straighten out for now it's it used to be six months or a year but now I'll straighten out for three weeks you know I can't it vacillates it's a it's unfortunate because it's not what I want and I'm a prisoner I'm out in my own mind and uh and uh and I can't seem to stay sober can you imagine anything that might get you to change that behavior where you like to stick with the age yeah advice yes and that's always unselfish and self-seeking in so many ways that like when I'm able to be selfless or like if I'm connected to like my girl or like whatever Powers it be or the mighty Rhythm like I'm kind of spiritual so if I'm connected and I'm like helping others I'm straight like life is great um pieces like there's like a joy or like the veil gets lifted enough for me to see that there's like a better simpler more beautiful way of life but um if I choose to uh uh self-seek dude then life is a untenable and I like the Constitution for suicide so uh I get I get caught in the Whirlwind of uh maybe hoping that the drugs will kill me and I don't know I really don't it's weird do you think you have a suicidal streak I've tried a couple of times yeah with drugs with drugs yeah first time was in the year 2000 and the last one was January of last year I always think I plan it out just right but for some reason I just I just there's a there's there's probably like a bigger plan for me man uh from these powers that be and uh and uh I just keep squandering it the opportunity so have you ever been on psych medications yeah I'm on psych meds right now yeah um General like major depressive generalized anxiety uh I started seeing therapists when I was eight so this is like a 30-year Battle of like playing hide and go seek by myself it's weird are you drugs something that alcohol would not be a good idea to combine with oh all of my oh yeah all the bottles say uh they either have a skull and cross stones on them or they say don't mix it out you'll do it sometimes do what alcohol what about it you'll combine alcohol with yourself oh all the time yeah yeah all the time which can be dangerous yeah I think it's just a feeble skirt like I'm just like a scared boy and like a 36 year old body you know I don't know just feeble attempts of trying to like just feel feel different and feel different real quick dude so what's your biggest regret treat my parents like a checkbook not giving them the opportunity to have a son not given robbing them of so many countless nights of sleep and peace and honestly it's it's the way I've done my parents that's my biggest regret yeah they didn't deserve that they don't deserve it gives you meaning in your life um my my relationships do um even if I've hinted that they don't uh my current relationship um my my creativity and like my my outlet at work and like or like a god-given talent to do something and uh and seeing other people like just seeing people grow like seeing seeing seeing a group of people like grow with each other that gives me inspiration yeah just because again I didn't I didn't I didn't have the where was all to look at look for that when I was growing up and I didn't have teachers so it's just watching people like uh succeed and Thrive and and love and help each other and that's that's what gives me inspiration yeah do you have good friends I do and they'd be a hell of a lot better if um if I if I gave more myself to them but um yeah all the people in my life right now that support me treat me better than I think I deserve and uh that's also really inspiring for me so um who knows man like maybe I'm maybe this weird incident of me walking in here and being right here right now like uh changes the course of the next month year 10 years yeah I've seen it happen yeah yeah because again like I said I don't like walk around thinking about these things I ignore it and uh how many opportunities do we have in life to really unload like this I've had uh 27 Hospital overdoses uh plenty more where I wasn't found by a medical bird you know what I mean so I've been giving away too many chances and uh I've utilized them too don't get me wrong I'm not just like a scumbag just walking around just taking taking but uh yeah I uh I've been given I've been given a lot of Grace a lot of Grace as far as like opportunities go so and Tyler what would you say is the most important lesson you've learned in your life impermanence two yeah two things so the fact that nothing lasts forever the good or the bad so that's the awesome part is the bad [ __ ] doesn't last the good stuff doesn't last forever either some of it could be I can have a lifelong friend but um so it's impermanence and realizing that like pain isn't a punishment and pleasure is not a reward and I grew up for a long time thinking that like life was doing it to me like if I was rewarded you know what if if I had pleasure it was because I was being rewarded or if something happened if there was pain it's because I was being punished and that shit's not it like that's just that's just the cyclical nature of like being a human that's just uh the epitome of being a or like The Human Experience so I finally knew that uh when especially when I lost uh her a long time ago to the drunk driver if I knew that that those feelings wouldn't last I'm sure she probably wouldn't have gone and did all the things that I did it took me a long time to realize that impermanence isn't isn't a or is like a like a hell of a core value of mine so that's great Tyler thank you so much for sharing your story yeah thanks man I wish you uh all the luck in the world thank you I appreciate that yeah good to be here Good to Be Alive yeah

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 114,842

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Id: WPPfxualw7Q

Length: 28min 51sec (1731 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 10 2022