Pastor's Wife discovers his affair with a boy in the church. The Upside of The #DownLow

I would ask how many men have you slept with not have you slept with me and how many a lot of good gay community was we were outraged women were finding their husbands with other men are finding their boyfriends and looking through phones and finding text messages and pictures from other men like the side of the download girl bye [Music] [Music] welcome to 3o WTV have I got a special treat for you today I am in the home of Miss Yolanda King Stephens author of the very very hot book the upside of the down-low as a prominent pastor's wife Yolanda King Stephen was the envy of many in her public circle however when she discovered her husband's affair with a young male member of their church it became nearly intolerable to address the betrayal and pain from fear to faith from tragedy to triumph she speaks intimately of her experience in the compelling book the upside of the down-low a pastor's wife sneem whare i sat down with yolanda King Stephen in her Georgia home for a very candid conversation about how she overcame her and conquered healing I like to say welcome and thank you Yolanda for having me thank you for sending me your book I just really appreciate that yeah I mean I've never been to Columbus so this has been interesting like I said I was excited that they were paved roads and all you know your book to me really is not about the download from the phenomenon that that we've come to know from the hysteria of it so why did you just choose to call it the upside of the down-low to everything in life and there were so many download things that happen within my marriage including some of the things that we do know as the phenomenon because if it's kept a secret it's kept download but some of those things that are download could be with finances they could be with relationship issues they can really be anything that you keep under wraps that you don't share and communicate with your partner I want to get into the light of the book because I don't want to give too much away but there's so much juicy stuff that you crammed into like only 150 pages it's like a quick read okay I felt like there's gotta be more there's more but you really got a lot into it but let's go back to you grew up your father was a preacher yes and so you were very much in the church life going on growing up and then you marry a preacher right and initially you but before you married him you were a flight attendant yes so you were kind of out in the world so how did how did you have it the preacher's kid actually get into flying I decided that I didn't want to do what was in my major I majored in communication on its book broadcasting with the emphases and I didn't want to do broadcasting so after interning decided I didn't like it my mom says you have to get a job somewhere so the first thing I thought is hey I wanna be free I'm gonna go to see the world I lived in Georgia all my life and so I decided to become a flight attendant and I spent several several years enjoying the the position the career and just everything that it had to offer you do see a lot of the world and you are in the world and how did that gel with your your religious upbringing well I still keep my morals and values and beliefs they're still ingrained within me and those things were the same as when I was flying so it was just really the fun aspects of the job of seeing the world and meeting different people and learning from different cultures because that a lot of that you're born in the south and engrained in the south and it's a lot of religious beliefs so I wanted to see how other people live and how other places was and that's what I was able to do as a flight of 10 and I really appreciate that experience okay well then let's move now let's move a little forward into into meeting your husband because he in the beginning it seemed like from what I read they seemed like he really kind of targeted you I mean initiated the entire relationship initiated us when I met him is in the book states I met him in my mother's kitchen and what better place my mom introduced me to him and he was the pastor of the church at the time so I just moved back here I recently moved back and it was it was just a friendly meeting it wasn't anything involved with it it was a it was something that I didn't see as progressing for it because he was a pastor and I was going to the club so it wasn't anything that I saw progressing at the time but as time moved on and I continued dating and realized that I don't just want to date I want to be in a committed relationship I started looking at him differently so now I know you were talking about how you guys have very long conversations in the beginning looking back now do you think that that was genuine or do you think that was that he was being calculating from the beginning a little bit of both I think it was genuine but I also think that there were things that we didn't discuss and especially when going into a first marriage your only marriage your thinking and that's what I was thinking when going into that there were things that I didn't discuss or didn't think about to ask that would really impact the marriage so if I could go back I would ask some different questions like what would you ask him I would I would ask to sit down and write a financial budget I would ask how many men have you slept with not have you slept with me and how many I would ask completely different questions I would really get into the trust and the honesty and the communication and expectations of what's to take place within the marriage where we want to see our long-term goals how we want to be how we discuss how many children but I would really delve into the heart of the matter now if a man answers that question honestly how many men not if but how many men you slept with would you still would you really still marry that individual I probably would not but it but it could still be a friendship that's formed but everyone has their breaking point and things that they will and will not deal with in every situation no matter whether it's a man or a woman and that's something for me that I would necessarily want to do with so probably not and the reason I ask that is because I interview or I can counter a lot of bisexual men and women and it's like they get no love from man I'm on one side of the Finch you need to be on one side as well so that's the reason that I would ask that I wonder if a woman would if a man answers that honestly would a woman really marry him I I wouldn't I wouldn't I would think twice about it but there's somebody for everybody you never know you want to meet someone that's equally yoked and that enjoys the type of things that you enjoy not saying that everything has to be the same because it doesn't but when it comes down to sexuality and sexual preferences it's extremely important in a marriage what would you say to somebody I guess that was maybe struggling with their sexuality and their religion I would say the first thing that's most important is to have a relationship with God you have to know the work for yourself and know how it relates to your life you have to have that relationship above all else because if you listen to what other people are saying what other people bring into your life or speak into your life especially if they don't have your best interests at heart it could be your ruin okay and it kind of along those same lines with dating and you talked about is that which put a smile on face knowledge reading at how he wanted to wait it before becoming intimate sexually and you didn't know you know that you know that preacher's kid we preachers kids teachers kids we get a bad rap but we're really not any different it's just a higher level of expectation but we're human we're human and at that time I was in my late 20s and I had been sexually active I had a child brought a child into the marriage and that was one of those things where okay this is the person that I'm gonna marry so I want to see what was going on here but I respected the fact that he wanted to have a relationship with God and that's the way it was presented to me that he wanted to maintain this close relationship with God he had just became pastor of the church so he wanted to maintain that closeness with God and if he did anything outside of that realm he felt that it would ruin the relationship and I wanted to respect that because I respected him as my tobe husband and as my pastor when I in light of all that you've experienced and we're gonna we'll talk a little bit more about it I don't want to give too much away from the book because I want them to read it but how do you see just with society in general how do we get back to like the true meaning of marriage how do we get back to to really respecting that institution when so many images out there are just full of foolishness the first thing I believe we need to do is communicate and be honest we need to be honest about the expectations of marriage there are a lot of articles there are a lot of things that you can read the 10 steps to a happy marriage the seven steps to pleasing your man but those things aren't evergreen you are a man I'm a woman you may like different things and I made like different things that's not called upon in that article so you have to get back to the basics you have to communicate that is so important and you have to know the expectations when you're stepping into that marriage because if you know what you're getting into you're not surprised when those little nuances come up if someone tells you I'm not good with finances you won't be surprised if they bounce a check so it's those different type of things there as opposed to saying oh well I'll make such and such amount of money but you don't say how you spend that money how that money will be spent throughout the marriage it's okay to say oh I've had sexual partners in the past but not the type of intercourse that you like with that person or that you'd like to carry on with that person because it's very important in a marriage it really is in any relationship well how do you feel about gay marriage well I believe the Bible I have faith in the Bible I believe everywhere in the Bible and it says that a marriage is between a man and a woman finally I find it's a good thing and that's my belief whereas I don't shun anyone for their own personal beliefs that's mine okay I can respect that we often hear that you know you must submit or you should submit to your man how did it make you feel when your husband tells you that you're gonna move in with his with his mom after three woohoo you didn't necessarily have the best energy with after three weeks of marriage it was a very interesting time because whereas you you should submit to your husband but first you should submit to God who will help make that relationship what it's supposed to be both people in the marriage I felt that I needed to submit in a way and to help move the marriage along but I also knew that it needed to be us too we didn't need to have anyone else in our relationship as we were building our marriage it was to be built between us because I wasn't expecting mama brother sister cousin grandmama to be there throughout the marriage we needed to find our own way what worked for us and what didn't so enter the picture Jose so Jose starts coming to your house regularly start staying there regularly and it seemed like you had some inclination that something wasn't right but why didn't you just choose to trust your instincts I trusted my instincts as far as telling my husband because he was the head of the household I didn't feel like I needed to take that to anyone else so I trusted him to handle it the way he saw fit and he felt the way to deal with it is to mentor the young man because I did feel that there was something just not quite right but you don't want to step on anyone's toes to push anyone away if they are if they're not going on the right path you want to help them along that's that's innately that's internally the person that I am so I didn't want to shun or push him away my husband said that he was mentoring him and I took that as it was I trusted his word and whereas I still had maybe a little something deep down within I didn't know what it was and in any relationship you don't for me you don't go and end a relationship or keep picking at it like you're picking out a scar until it's just blooded over about one particular thing unless you have concrete backs and for me I didn't have concrete backs it's up just my woman's intuition this is my intuition and this is what I feel so from there it took a different turn but people at church were gossiping about it so they were it they became suspect about the relationship but you still didn't seem to want to necessarily acknowledge especially and I can understand not one to get with the busy Betty's who are in the business but there's plenty of them when the gossiping started nobody gossip to me it was through word of mouth he said she said that I heard and I was sitting next to her who said this so you really can't go on that and that can't be the foundation of what you base your decision or your relationship on or if it's going to the next level or if it's going to end and that wasn't enough for me that he said she said I needed concrete evidence and I would have done the same thing if it was a woman so you don't think you were kind of in denial like kind of thinking maybe we'll when I was at one point I was in denial because I had accepted this young man into my home he had sat on my couch he ate food in my kitchen and I accepted him as one of my own we went shopping together at the mall helped him with schoolwork whatever was needed and I accepted him so from that aspect I said this cannot be because I know this person I trust this person whereas he may have problems in my husband may have problems I may have problems but I'm not just gonna kick them out because if it has to be something else and when you see the signs of someone cheating you don't think about who it is you may have your eye on one particular person but it may not be that person you just know that they're not acting right in the relationship so what signs did you see initially I mean not that you would not look at Jose because you didn't suspect him but what changed in the marriage that kind of made you think well you know something else might be going on with your husband the intimacy the intimacy relationship the staying out late those were the top two things very very protective of the phone very protective it's it's in the pocket or it's in the car if you sleep it's in the car so it's it's dull it was those sort of activities and acts that made me very suspect of what was going on now earlier you mentioned that you have you have a daughter that you had before that you brought into the marriage yes tell me what will you teach her about men I'll let her read the book when she gets old enough I let her read the book right now I tell she thinks boys who who hit like physically hit or play around that those are the ones that likes you I have to tell her no the boys who like you don't hit you I have to teach about love I have to teach you about the love of God I have to teach her that she has to make decisions for herself that mommy's not gonna always be there to help her make decisions or to turn to at some point in time that she has to follow her gut followed her instinct she has communication she has asked question so many different things that I want to teach her to make sure that she has open eyes that she goes in with open eyes and preferably I'll be able to do that did your experience with your husband did that change at all alter your perception of your dad who was also a minister oh no my dad is my dad even if he wasn't a minister he's my dad so the things that him and my mom is still than me in no way affected what happened between us even though it wasn't a fairy tale ending it wasn't a happy ending it never affected my relationship with my father my thoughts and my father it never did that well I would love to know what you thought of the itty long scandal I get that so often but the the day the Eddie Long's scandal broke I wasn't really into it because I was going through what I was going through I couldn't say oh well there goes another one I couldn't say that because I was stuck in my own healing so for me I didn't really get into the whole Eddie Long situation what I did though after it continuously came on the news and continuously different things kept on coming out I just kept praying because I don't know them I don't know them but what I could do was pray that would ever happen whatever the situation was that everyone was safe and the decisions that were made were made for all in their best interests what would you offer for advice to mrs. Long well for advice it would be it would be kind of hard and kind of difficult for me because in a way we kind of share the same thing as far as the allegation I mean not as many of the allegations came out but the way it's seeming like in the news that it's playing out it's playing out differently than what my own played out and I don't even feel right saying oh you should leave just get away and and go and do you that's not it's not the type of advice that I can give because that's not what I did I can't say oh you should leave what I can say is you can pray because you know your situation you know what's best for you and your family you know what's gonna make you sane you know what's gonna make you whole you know what's going to just make you feel relieved at the end of the day when you go look in the mirror and whatever that decision is that's the one you make what would you say to somebody a member of New Birth well that that's when your discernment with God comes into play if you are led to stay stay and one thing that I was taught as a little girl you don't you don't follow you don't just follow just the church you just don't go where the church goes on Church tells you to go left oh I'm gonna go left Church says you go right oh I'm gonna go right today you follow the discernment within you because the church is within you if you feel like you should stay stay if you feel like you should go go how are you able to still trust men or are you it's a difficult process and not just men anyone because when when you have a tragedy like I did in my life you find out who the people are that are around you if they are for you if they are against you if they just want to be there to spread the word like the gossiping betty's and you want to make sure that you you know who's around you so for me it's not about just about trust it's about making sure that the core people who are in my circle and the core people around me know the type of person that I am and have my best interest at heart because at some point I still am fragile but I know I have to go out into that world I have to live and I have to raise children that I teach them to trust but I also teach them not to trust too much to where you're being taken advantage of so I have to get back to that place where where I can do the same thing and I received help from my mom I moved around she had moved out yet we stay up all night watching YouTube video but I mean there are people around me who definitely help in that process and I did get counseling I had to seek counseling because it was so much that was going and I know in the black community we say a lot no you don't need it just read the Bible and pray and be vigilant and you'll be okay sometimes you need counseling and I did and I wasn't afraid to seek it I wasn't afraid to seek it for me or for my daughter you could go back to the day that your husband came to your house to eat and notice your physique yes she's got it going on if you could go back to that day what would you change if you could change anything I would change anything I look good I wouldn't change anything because it was that it was Island it was our initial meeting so as far as meeting him and knowing who he was I didn't know who he was and I wasn't known in that amount of time and a lot of times when we meet someone we see them physically and you have to be attracted to them physically as well so I wouldn't change a thing when the whole download' phenomenon broke it really got sensationalized on The Oprah Winfrey Show with Jay L Kings first appearance what is your take on the national hysteria that was created behind the download' phenomenon I think it created a dialogue when when everything came out and when Jay King was on Oprah I was in college so I watched it like Oh what is this I've never heard of this before and my friends and I really gathered around and we talked about it we purchased the book we talked about the book and it was something that we talked about and just dropped but kept in the back of our minds and it wasn't one of those things where I felt like I needed to talk about that with my future boyfriends or my future husband I didn't feel that was a necessary conversation but what it did was definitely open up a dialogue for people to talk about it and if you felt that you were in that situation or feel like you're in it now you can talk about it at least with your friends or go read I know some people try to find silence but besides did you see huh you sometimes you don't see signs you just have to keep on going but he brought about that dialog when he first came out with the book and it was on Oprah it was really astounding it was a lot of the gay community was we were outraged like and not just with jl even though he was there telling his story but just the way it was framed on the oprah episode we was over them all like okay now here we go you know but really for women because we didn't see it that way and if you are in a situation where your husband or your boyfriend is on the down-low and you wouldn't believe how many calls after I just announced that the upside of the download was coming out that I was writing the story so many women called so many people called and thanked me just for writing and they hadn't even read a word because they felt that it needed to get out women were finding their husbands with other men or finding their boyfriends or looking through phones and finding text messages and pictures from other men it's something that created a dialogue not to open up a can of worms but to make us aware of the things that are going on the questions that we need to ask to have honest honest communication between the sexes putting myself in your shoes as a woman how do you really nurture a healthy relationship with being cognizant that that's the possibility that this man could be on download but without suspecting him or pressuring him or you know guilty until proven innocent if he's not honest about it you can't because it has to be known you have to know what you're working with and a lot of times we'll hear that said well I just have to know what I'm working with if I would have known then I would have known how to deal with the situation if it's not honest communication you really can't work with it because it's it's based on lies it's based on dishonesty and then the trust is gone and you cannot rebuild trust when there are still lies in this honesty floating underneath but if it's something that you do know and you choose to work with it you start to work that out within yourself and communicate with that other person because you may be okay with it so why did God bring this to your life and bring this experience into your life ask myself that question so many times to the point of where I was aching I was never mad at God I'm never upset but I was aching how did this happen why did this happen to me Lord what do you want me to do with this and part of that was to share my story to create that dialogue that we don't talk about because number one pastors are put up here especially in the south in our community they're put up here and not to bring anybody down but to say this is a real situation that people deal with even pastors I think that was part of it and they also to strengthen my relationship with God because if you notice at the beginning of the outside of the download I was getting ready to go to the club about the end of the upside of the download I had this prayer life I had this stronger connection and I was able to go through this storm without being a storm for anybody else it also taught me about who my true friends are who my family is and the people that have my best interests at heart because no matter what you need to have somebody in your corner you need to have somebody shoulder you can cry on because God is not physically here but the people that he places in your life that can be that physical person your mom or your dad or a great friend that you can trust that helps bring that closeness that you can cry on and cry on the shoulder and get something out and in talking about it really does help everything kind of took place here in Columbus yes and you still live in Columbus yes does Jose still live in Columbus I'm not sure okay so you don't have any type of connection or no connections I mean the streets talk a whole lot will you put your ear real close down but nothing concrete where I would know exactly if he still lived here or if he lived elsewhere just like some other of the people in the book have you forgiven them i forgiven and I had to forgive and I said that's so easily because at a point I didn't at a point I did not forgive it was very difficult for me to forgive because I felt they had turned their backs on me I felt it was a it was a Judas situation you know what I'm going through and you're going to do this I just felt betrayed and I had to get over that betrayal I had to get over that trust factor and it could be a coping mechanism that I just stay at arm's length have you forgiven yourself yeah because I don't feel I did too much wrong but I know at this point that it's what God wanted to happen because it happened but in the in the grand scheme of things I tried to be the best wife I could even though I knew I didn't do everything right and everything perfect but I tried to be the best wife that I could what is the intent behind releasing the book what do you want us as readers to get from it that no matter what there's always an upside to your situations because it may not be a relationship it may be a job it may not be a marriage and maybe just you're with your partner and no matter what storms you go through whether their finances you can always get through them you don't necessarily have to take the easy way out or what some people may feel the easy way out you just have to hold it together stand still because God's gonna give you the answers because it's going to be what he wants it to be anyway so there's always an upside keep looking up and you'll get it so what is the upside for Yolanda King Stephen I know you've already read it but you have you in all that you've been through through thick and thin now given where you are now what do you know for sure I know for sure that I can be still and that God is going to be with me I know for sure that I want to raise my kids to be honest and to be able to communicate with me and the people that they're around I know for sure that my mom my dad my sister my family is going to be there for me as much as they can and I know for sure that I want to continue to live and to keep living a healthy life and live a peaceful life that that's that's what I know for sure and I know is there or us I wouldn't gotten through the situation Wow well you longer I want to thank you again because it's just such a powerful testimony and just for reaching out to the 3lw TV because like I said when I first when I first saw the tide I was like that side of the download' girl by I'm by you know down-low channel and but in my spirit I said you know take a look at it read it and I was just blown away by the power the power of your testimony and the book is featured on three Oh W tv.com there's an amazon link which you can purchase the book so definitely support Yolanda the upside of the down-low a pastor pastors wife's memoirs I always get those subtitles they're always tongue twisters so again thank you so much for being a part of 3lw TV this will be the featured selection so please support it and what I love about the book also is in the back there are questions so you can have if you have a book club or just discussion questions that can be generated generate a wonderful incredible conversation so again thank you so much continued success with the book I'm so proud of it and proud of you yes or even to discuss the book via phone or via Skype or even if I can be there so those are different things that I like to share with my readers because you learned so much you never know the last line and the book says you don't know what's gonna happen to the upside to life after that's what I have to see that's what I'm living now that's what I hope to share in the future thank you again I want to thank my very special guest Yolanda King Stephens the upside of the down low I'm Lonnie Earl Williams thank you for choosing 3lw TV always stand in your light [Music] [Music]

Channel: 3LWTV

Views: 1,158,053

Rating: 4.4955969 out of 5

Keywords: down, low, black, gay, HIV, AIDS, yolanda, king, stephen, 3lwtv, eddie, long, scandal, love, relationships, betrayal, lies, african, American, women, dl, down low, church, sex, lgbt, black women, black men, Eddie long

Id: habL5BMgYTI

Length: 31min 58sec (1918 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 17 2012