Firstly, we lost our son Max is his name The date was 18 September 2016 Max collapsed during his usual Sunday soccer game It was acute myocarditis basically his heart was swollen My daughter had brain cancer She was 18 years old Since she was 12, we've been investigating (on) why she was having frequent headaches The doctors said they couldn't find anything They said probably it could be a migrane A lot of people have migranes so that's fine Until one day, she collapsed on the bathroom floor and she was having a seizure My baby was born three years ago with complex congenital heart defects He was here for 33 days, exactly 33 days so that number is very near to me Zen hung himself and Evan jumped from the 15th floor of the condo that we were staying in Both our kids have depression His friend called, “Aunty, Max fainted.” Then I was like, “Huh?” He just left not long (ago) about an hour for soccer then he fainted So I thought it wasn't serious So I was like, “Huh? What happened?” I thought he got a heat stroke So who knows when they told me "Aunty, I think the ambulance is here. We sent him to the hospital." So I still drive to the hospital It's really so traumatic. I don't even know what happened I was lost. I was like,"How?" I almost bashed up the police I think we had about hour or so to just be with him, touch him and I think it was not only traumatic for us as the family, but for his friends because all the friends who were playing soccer were there In the end, they had to induce coma because she was not in sync with the machine When they took out all sedation she never woke up I said, "Doctors, why isn't she opening her eyes?" They came back to us and said she had a stroke That was in January and she passed away in March So that whole time she was in comatose At 1:30 a.m. in the morning, I got a call from his accomodation manager telling me that he has taken his own life I dashed across, I think it was the longest run of my life even though it was just across the street That morning he was supposed to go to school my daughter who was sleeping beside me refused to get up and he just went to her and whispered to her and said, "Tell Mommy that we have got no class today." So I heard it and I asked him whether he was telling his sister to lie about school and he apologised quickly and I told him, no matter how difficult it is you shouldn't be lying Then I was tying my daughter's hair and I heard the main door closed shut So I told the maid to get him to come back The maid went to get him back and said that she couldn't find him anywhere and that was when I had a very bad feeling that something had gone wrong My helper said that he just sat at the dining table He just stared blankly, and just kept saying "I'm sorry Mommy. I'm sorry Mommy. I'm sorry Mommy." before he left So he said his last words to me but I never got to say mine to him He actually went through a major open-heart surgery at just about eight days old So I can't imagine how it must've been for him I literally only managed to carry him once right after delivery when the doctor or nurses passed him for skin to skin and they took him away after that for tests and immediately after that they started him on medications he made it out of surgery but he passed away due to infections and post-surgery complications just one month after his birthday Okay this is a question I get asked all the time and it's very difficult to answer Two, Max and Isabelle But, (to) people who don't know me I don't tell them my son passed away I just pretend that he's in the University I'll just add the age (for him) If I tell them my son passed away people will "Oh” and they run away I just say I have six If they're really interested, they will do the math and wonder, "Hey, you're missing one." It's just that one went on already, you know, passed on So I still have six Chaotic. It was chaotic. It was really bad Until today I can't enter Changi Hospital The nurses kept saying how good breast milk is for the baby so I kept pumping hoping to use it for him when he is out of surgery Unfortunately, after surgery he wasn't doing very well Eventually he didn't drink and he didn't use at all He was sent to the Melbourne hospital fighting for his life for three days I didn't want to be selfish to see him pull through and be a vegetable It's just going to add more to his misery So that's why I had to make the painful decision to let him go not that I don't love him but because I love him too much to see him suffer I knew where it was heading, so when it came all I wanted was for the family to be there Strangely enough I felt like it was a mission accomplished I wasn't happy but at the same time there was that feeling that we did what we had to do and we, we did it I told her, Belle, we did it Evan never even made it to the hospital His body was on the floor and I held him, I shook him talked to him and screamed at him and did everything but he just didn't respond and neighbours came down tried to resuscitate him and blood started coming out of his ears and I just told them to stop because I knew he was gone We didn't even have a last moment Max was almost 11 days to his 21st birthday when he left us 11 days before his 21st, so to me what else can I wish? So I was very beaten and felt that this life is a joke for me is a sad joke I just wish Max is happy wherever he is When I look back I think he enjoyed his days and I also feel that he had a chance to fall in love because he had a girlfriend So I comfort and console myself that he actually had some of these but perhaps in a very short time 1st of January of this year I started a fund called the Zen Dylan Koh Fund to provide free counselling for disadvantaged youths below 25 So this is how I choose to honour my love for Zen Since his wish is that he wants to take away other people's sadness in a way I’m fulfilling it for him My biggest wish for Evan then and now is that he'll always be happy That's all I want for him to be happy To enjoy the little things in life and focus on himself not on anybody else In the beginning, yes I blamed a lot of people Most of all I guess I blamed myself I guess it was my body which was responsible to carry and nurture and grow this baby but somehow something went wrong and and that was tough I blamed myself more I remember he came back he told me “Mum, I almost died.” So I said, "Maybe you're not fit." We still could laugh about it So now I recall back Was it a sign that I missed? I don’t know I really wish I can turn back the clock and ask what happened What did I not do well enough as a mom to protect my child? If I had stuck with him 24/7 every day for the rest of his life he could live till the day I die There's nobody to blame It wasn't like she was a victim of an accident then I would have somebody to blame but this was an illness and we don't know where that cancer came from whether she was even born with it We don't know There were two of Zen's friends that he reached out to as well in his last moments he actually messaged them to tell them that he was going to kill himself One (of the friend) was staying next to him just a few doors down, could've run over But I've decided to forgive because forgiveness is the first step in healing We also share this so that other children know when they're in the same situation where they see a message like that they must take it seriously and with urgency Even if this friend decided to say "I don't want you to be my friend anymore" but it's okay, you save a life He's not in pain anymore He's gone to a better place I was like, there is no better place for him than being here with us Also the insinuation, he's no longer in pain We did not put him through surgery deliberately It's not a choice that we had Somebody actually said "I know why this boy is destined for death looking at the whole family history of all the depressive people in the family." I think that was a very low blow I think many people didn't really know what to say You could see in their eyes and their face they felt really, really sorry His heart is very big I think either his heart is very big, or he doesn't listen because when people tell me is Max's karma, is my karma I tell you, it hurts me a lot Then some people told me that maybe in my last life I did something that (affected) this life It pains me a lot So I get more scared What did I do in my last life? What is going to happen (now)? Then people say, "In this life, must do more (good deeds)" for the next life I don't want life anymore People will say that, you know, "It's karma." but I just let it go because that's what they believe in It's not what I believe in So it doesn't bother me Right after we lost him someone told me "You need to work on your marriage now because usually that's the next thing that goes" I was like, "What the hell? Are you telling me that I'm going to lose my marriage next?" Actually, I would appreciate people who talk good about Max When they tell me they feel the loss with me or something that makes me feel proud about him This will be so much more comforting than telling you "It's okay." "Life goes on." "Breathe, move on." "Be brave." All these make you angry You feel like boxing the person No Nobody has ever brought it up so I've never thought about it But, you know, one thing that I did immediately after she passed on I met up with her closest friends I didn't want them to be scarred because they're young and you don't know if they were traumatised by this We saw this child bereavement support group Every month I will take that as my therapy So I go there and tell them how I feel What I found healing also was actually listening to the stories of other parents because it makes you feel like you're not alone and that there are others who are on the journey who probably have a tougher time as well Even despite whatever had happened to us I think it also taught us how to be thankful and to be grateful for what we have I just want to make sure that I don't spiral down into depression I can't do that to my family and Zen wouldn't want me to do that so I do whatever I can just to get help I found it very difficult to attend a friend's son’s wedding or daughter’s wedding We just learn to manage it and pace ourselves a bit Sometimes, go easy on ourselves So far, I try not to (attend weddings) if I can but I've attended two weddings One of my friend's son's wedding I was like crying on the table there imagining my son getting married Actually it's good that they invite us and not leave us out instead if not we might feel more isolated I feel like I've had a cataract operation and you're seeing the world with a different set of lenses in your eyes I used to be a planner I planned everything Now I don't plan I guess we just want to be happy and just spend good times, create good memories with the people that we love Actually I’m very scared of life now It’s like, anything can happen but I wish (the bad things) all happened to me So it's like For me, I don't value my life but I'm very scared for the people around me my husband I'm scared I'm scared whatever I have done made this thing happen to me now and the tragedy would continue I'm very scared For me it's to make the best out of every day Now it's like whenever we feel like it we'll just do it because you never know what tomorrow's going to hold for you and why wait I’ve got so many Ya, there's so many When we were in Mexico by the beach and she was so excited and took like a million pictures of the sunset She was so thrilled and for me you're happy when your children are happy We went to Spain the place that he wanted to see his soccer (team) His Barcelona He tried to tell me this one is Messi then I was like "Messi simi Messi?" So it was always filled with jokes everyday was filled with laughter Unfortunately we only have hospital memories to actually hear him cry to actually see him smile to actually talk to him and to be able to actually touch him and caress him sing to him, I managed to sing a few lullabies to him so that was actually the happiest times, before surgery because after surgery it's a whole different ball game I would say the most recent ones are in the year when he went to Melbourne we became closer He became such an affectionate boy He would actually help Mummy and will go shopping with me and I don't know we just We were more like friends Sending him to Melbourne I don't regret it We've grown even closer This one incident will really, really stick in my head and my heart Max actually did a bit of part time tuition One day he came to tell me that "Hey Dad, I think I cannot teach this fellow already I want to tell the mum." I said, "You send me the draft (first) since you want to let the mum know then I will read and then I will just share with you my opinion." I felt that he was matured enough and willing to listen So that actually gave me a lot of satisfaction as a father One of the things he ever said to me which I was very impressed with was He told me, "You know mum, a rocket has many little fuel tanks that it carries with it that brings him up into the sky but once he's in the sky, he has to drop it all so that he can continue on his journey." And he told me that "You know whatever bad things in your life it's the same It spurs you on it helps you grow and then you just need to let them go then you can move further." and I thought that was very inspirational coming from a 10-year-old kid That's something I'll always remember when I'm really down and I'll remember he told me this I think we understand this pain and sorrow that's going to be lifelong If we want to feel very sorry for ourselves honestly I don’t think it can do much you won't, it won't change the fact So we try to do what we can Need to be clear about the responsibilities and priorities Take a step every morning, wake up be there for the people who need you and make the best out of your life now because one day it'll be our turn I would like to tell those bereaved moms that you are not alone I can cry with you I would like to be their friend because this is a really lonely road Everyone grieves differently Don't ever let anybody tell you you're not grieving correctly Your grieving is unhealthy Take your time But you must reach out to get help and support and professional help if needed Be kind to yourself You're not alone, you will always you will always be their parent Dwell on the fact that they gave us love they gave us happy memories Your child's life is not all about her death right? She had all those years with you I was blessed blessed to be her mother of all the people in the world God chose me to be her mother and even to walk with her during those dark times which led to the end that for me was a privilege and an immense blessing and that's what we should focus on
such a tearjerker :,(
Can Ask Meh is really great. I stumbled upon it expecting it to be kind of forced sad/forced Q&A.... but it's well done.