The doctor said that it's quite a rare condition. I happen to have this type of breast cancer called the triple-negative breast cancer. So when the doctor gave me my diagnosis she was very worried partly because of my age. At that time I was 28 and then secondly because of the aggressiveness of how the tumor was growing. Up to date there is no specific cure for that type of cancer. I was diagnosed with two cancers at the same time in 2011. I actually went in for rectal cancer surgery. But while I was being prepared for it they found that I also had testicular cancer. So it was a case of buy one get one free. I had to have what you call a stoma created. The stoma is basically pulling up your intestine to part of your abdomen to dispose of your stool which means you like have to wear a (stoma) bag. Although in some cases the condition is temporary in my case it was permanent. In November last year I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer stage 3. I don't know whether it will become worse whether it will spread to other parts of my body. Three years ago I was diagnosed with primary peritoneal carcinoma. It basically means cancer in the lining. We have this lining that lines our stomach our spleen, our bowel and everything. I'm also at the advanced stage. When I went to the toilet to pass motion and there was so much blood. It was like flowing out. So there was this doctor in the consultation room. So he broke the news, first about the cancer then about the stoma and it was devastating. So I went out for a while to think about all this to let everything sink in. I called my wife. We had a good cry over the phone. Then I came back in and said "Ok, we'll do the surgery". I went to read up more on the Internet you know, the good old Internet and I was shocked because I really couldn't find much information about this particular illness. Whatever you could find was all bad news you know. Basically few survivors, it's very rare in the world and nobody could advise you on what to do and what this cancer was all about. For me, I don't want to know so much. I just feel that the more I know, maybe I'll be more worried. I'm always thinking, if I read up on all these things I don't think I would want to go for chemotherapy. So we are ex-neighbours and her husband is a doctor. Actually I did consult her husband. So when I heard about it actually it didn't sink in at all. I don't feel anything and so to me it was like, "oh I'm sick?" There were many things on my mind I guess. My then-boyfriend was still in Kuching and we actually had plans that, that following year he would actually come over to Singapore and then we would start preparing for our marriage and that sort of things. But I guess when the diagnosis came I was very concerned would I even still be getting married? In my case, I didn't tell my mum. I think that was the hardest part. Because she started having dementia so my children would go there with their phones and I'll talk to her we had to lie to her that actually I'm travelling. Because then she'll be wondering why I'm not coming down why I'm not visiting her, not bringing her around. I think that was the hard part. She's the only one that I lied to actually. I've never asked "why me" or anything of that sort because to me, you know, it doesn't mean that other people deserve it or they should have it. But basically, more I was asking myself God, please tell me what you want that I have this illness, there must be a reason. So maybe through me, we can all document what I'm going through and we can share this information with more people. I actually blame myself for not noticing my body change. Before I was diagnosed I actually felt that I had this bloatedness. But I just felt that it was like gastric. So I just took gastric pills and so on for a while which kind of delayed the process. So maybe if I (went to the doctor) a bit earlier, I may be Stage 2. I wasn't really leading a very healthy lifestyle. I smoke and I drank, I was obese, lots of stress. So usually when people get the news broken to them the question is 'Why me?'. For me, I couldn't ask that it was more of 'Why not?', because I checked all the boxes. I almost wanted to blame myself for it maybe because of the lack of own self-care. When I shared my condition to my family let's just say one of the family members didn't take it very well. She shared and she said you know and I guess that really hurts a lot. But after some time, I realised these things do happen to us and we can't really pinpoint who exactly is to be blamed for anything right? Because there are so many factors that would come into place and if we were to start blaming every single factor that comes into place then there would be no end to it. For my case that wasn't an issue. I didn't find any difference in the way people treated me. I come across as being very friendly, very confident you know. I mean you saw me walk through the door right? If I didn't tell you that I had all those conditions you would never know. Some of the people with my condition, or even with cancer they are very self-conscious. About sensitive comments that have been passed to me about my condition, strangely enough came from another patient who had the same condition. He couldn't accept the fact that he had to have a permanent stoma. And he referred to the appliance that we wear as a shit bag. He said 'You know, I have to go around wearing this shit bag" and he kept harping on it. The important thing to remember is it happened because your life had to be saved. I get a very good wide spectrum of treatment from people. I would get remarks like which I felt was very unnecessary. I mean there were very, very kind ones. There was this lady who was walking in the opposite direction from me and from very far we sort of like caught each other's eye in that sense. And when we walked past each other, she actually tapped me on the shoulder and she said "You are actually very brave". It was a complete stranger and I just looked at her and I was like and I smiled back, I couldn't say anything. I was just very encouraged by it. I really feel that there's a lot of nice people in this world especially my friends you know. I didn't visit a doctor, for a while right because I was thinking, "My schedule is so packed". When I really had to, everybody just reshuffled, take over. They just offered to take over your schedule and every week there's somebody with me when I do my chemo. My chemo is three hours you know. They will sit there with me, talk to me and usually I will doze off. When I wake up, they are still there. So, I just feel that they are so nice. I feel that it's good to share. It's good to let people know that you are sick and people will just chip in, spend time with you. And at that time, of course we don't know when we are going right? So, it's precious. The biggest and most direct difference is that I cannot breastfeed with one side of my breast. Yeah, that's the biggest difference. I used to box for the airforce, I was a boxer. I used to do fencing and I used to play squash. These are definitely things that I cannot do now because of the contact and all that. So for people with a stoma, we have to wear it 24/7. Otherwise, there will not be something to hold the stool and then it will just (leak). So, I think one of my worst days was when I had gone for this support group luncheon. I started having diarrhoea soon after I left the restaurant. So when I got off the train, I remember I was going to my mum's place but halfway through the bag burst. So, bag, full, burst. Can you imagine? Everything is flowing down your leg. Your shirt is soiled, your pants are soiled, and then you cannot walk near people, because it smells. I had to wait until nobody was in the lift before I could go up. I called my mum, and said, "Open the door! Open the toilet door! Leave everything open and make sure nobody gets into it!" The only thing in your mind is to go and get cleaned up and put on a new bag. But it gets better, the second time it happened, I was cool. I was able to go to the toilet and clean it up. It wasn't so traumatic. Now I sleep earlier, that's one thing I never did in the past. I always sleep very late. But now, I learn to sleep early, also relax a bit. I went to do pottery. When I first did it, I finished the product I felt like throwing it away. I say "It's so ugly!" you know. So my teacher said, "Go glaze it, paint it". So I painted it and when it came out, I'm really surprised. Such a ugly piece of clay can turn into such a beautiful piece of pottery. This is life you know. Don't always dwell on what you are experiencing now. One day, you will turn out beautiful. The first thing I did was to go and do a will because I never had a will done. Then, I start telling people, especially my immediate family that I love them. I think of course, all of us would like to grow with our family up to a ripe old age. But, we also know that this is what we want but doesn't mean what we want we will get. Infact, beginning of this year I had a relapse. I had a new growth and I had to go for a second surgery. In my life, I'm already mentally prepared, put it this way. When it happens, it happens, that's it. So why bother to think about it? That's how I take it. I guess there are some people who are afraid of dying firstly because they feel like they want to achieve a lot more in life. I mean there are still a lot of people who ask me am I afraid of dying and my answer to them was always no. We each have our own time to do different things. When I die, I don't want to have a funeral I want to have a party, in that sense. I want it to be something that like people are happy for me that I'm gone that I'm going to go to a better place. I guess for me, a good death is when nobody cries when I die. So, the top most one which I think will take the longest to realise is going to Machu Picchu in Peru. That is something I wanted to do since I was very young and it's still there on my bucket list. But, I would like to do more meaningful trips like the one I did in the Gobi. When you are trekking there in the open, risking dehydration risking blisters, but the motivation was as I said one was to raise funds for needy cancer patients. Second was, to tell cancer patients as well as people with stomas that 'Look, you can go to the desert and trek for 6 days, no issue. So don't worry so much about your condition and go on and live life'. One of the top things on my bucket list is having to see my grandchildren. Because I really think that you know it would be so interesting to see their offspring. I have them (on my bucket list) too, but unfortunately my kids have no boyfriend yet. So I told my kids and said "Better start getting boyfriend when you are in Pre-U (University)". Pre-U came and gone and they still have no boyfriend! I said "Pre-U came and gone, and now University came and gone. What happened?". They still don't have (boyfriend), but I guess I can't push them. Time is running out. There's still a lot of things you want to do right? Yes, suddenly you feel that there's so many things and am I supposed to go so early? I don't believe in the idea of a bucket list. Personally, I feel that when I have a bucket list right it makes me want to achieve these things and sometimes it may even cause certain kind of like extra burden or stress on yourself or on other people and I'm not going there. Tough. Can I be greedy and eternalise more than one? I have so many beautiful memories actually whether it's families, friends, you know. I think one of the very nice memory was when my son actually proposed to his girlfriend. I think it was a very nice memory in the sense that he included us to witness his proposal. I just felt very nice that I was part of it. I think that will stay with me for a while. Well, I guess I would say my husband. Every time on my birthday, he actually always plans surprises. We courtshipped for ten years, before we got married. And even after we got married he will still try to plan something on my birthday I can suddenly find that there are roses on my bed and it is arranged according to like how old I am he will arrange the flowers. So he always has something for me, so I think that's beautiful. I think that very moment where the Epiphany happened is a memory that I would keep forever. The day I was diagnosed, I guess I felt like a huge part of my world crashed. What happened was that, I heard a voice telling me that actually I don't have to worry at all, that things will be fine. That moment itself right, changed a huge part of my character. The old me was so afraid of not looking perfect everywhere I go. So even if I go to the market, I will still put on my nicest top and I will slap on at the very least, foundation and concealor. I guess after having this condition actually all this looks and everything doesn't matter anymore. I think that memory would definitely be the time I spent with my mum my late mum, in her place. When I go there, she will cook. And because I'm her favourite son, she cooks a lot of dishes. And then because she knows I don't like my rice very hot because then I can't eat. So she will ask me what time I'm arriving and then she will prepare the food so that when I get there I'll wash my hands and sit down, and then she'll sit with me open all the dishes and start to serve me. Yeah, I think that would be it. I would like to be remembered as a helpful person. If I've done that then I would have succeeded in living a good life. Because there has to be more to existence than just making a living living life and you know, there has to be more to it. And I think that is my calling because whatever work I'm doing now with the charities I really enjoy doing that, I make time for that. Can I say what I'd like to remember you about? Okay, thank you. Okay, I'd like to remember her as someone who's super positive and she's like a superhero to me, really I respect her a lot. She's really so helpful, you can never imagine someone who will go out of her way so much to do things for neighbours, for friends, for anybody. Despite her heaping praises on me, she herself is also very helpful. You know, we are neighbours and I had just moved in and I was pregnant and all that. She will bring Clarissa, my daughter, to play with her daughters and everything so that I can have rest. So talk about someone who is thoughtful, helpful she herself is one of them. When I went to see my oncologist and we were like casually chatting and he said, "You know Yolanda, out of the thousands of patients that I've seen, you are the most carefree patient that I have ever met". Yeah, actually that is how I would really want people to remember me as. Throughout my entire treatment and everything right I was just smiling all the way and I was greeting everybody and talking to every nurse and every doctor and every patient that just brushes past me you know. I think sometimes what's really important is the way we look at that situation. It's really up to us you need to decide what kind of ending you want. If you want a happy ending, then you will get that. But if you only think about a sad ending then you will also get that.
A close friend of mine passed away from brain cancer when we were still in secondary school. He never made a big deal about it, and carried on with life as per normal till the last few months when he had to be hospitalized.
So many years later, I still think about him sometimes. My time with him feels like just a dream to me sometimes, as if he never existed, and it makes me feel guilty.
i really appreciate their channel in bringing out such content and of course everybody that actually agreed to do the video and open up to the public. ππΌ
OGS is the best youtube channel so far, alot of nice videos to watch.