Oprah Winfrey & Gary Neuman Why Men Cheat After Show

continuing our conversation 41 year old Stephanie who's a stay-at-home mother of three is skyping from her dining room in Manitoba Canada hi hi Oprah okay I hear you had a lightbulb moment while watching the show with Gary on why men cheat what was it I've had several lightbulb moments and I guess maybe it was more of what we're reminding her than a lightbulb moment but are just a reminder that love is not a feeling it is an action and in our day-to-day lives and we're so busy all the time and with kids and husband and family and work and our friend relationships we just have to remember that that it isn't about how they're making us feel necessary necessarily it's about our actions towards each other and our actions then we'll also reflect how our feeling and but that warm fuzzy feeling that you talk about when you're first dating it just doesn't it doesn't last forever and yes you can sort of make it happen again but it's just not about that feeling it is about how you act towards one another how you treat one of one another and your choices that you make that affect one another yeah well I think people need to be people need to know going into relationships if that feeling is going to evolve into something deeper richer more meaningful hopefully right yes and and it's not the same as the newness but no we do get better with age in relationships if we focus on it we learn more about each other there's greater comfort there's greater sex there's greater times together greater experiences it's unfortunately the fact is that when we have to make the house payment and we have kids it suddenly begins to envelop and consume us yeah and women of course they're so exhausted that the idea of something else they have to do with their husband I love this woman earlier in the show who said it was not sticking it to men enough but that I'd loved what you said about I can't take on another thing just can't take on another thing and yeah I mean I I truly appreciate everything my husband does I've known him since I was young but he's the kind of man that doesn't always need me to be emotional with him and I you know and let's say there's things that he doesn't always give me either I don't run out and have an affair I you know we respect one another and we just don't go to that place it's hard I'd been married a long time I have two kids and I've known him for 22 years so you know I mean you just got to know what lines you can't cross okay no matter what okay and and my friend has gone through a lot and I've had this happen and I just feel like it fires me up even more when you see a friend hurt yeah when I know how good of a person she is and you know I'm mad sure and also keep in mind in the study the 12% of men that we're just going to cheat it had nothing to do at all in their minds without a home we're not talking to them but you might be married to one of them or divorced you were saying what I heard you during the show you were saying what that it's simple to feel appreciation from an outside relationship you know you don't have bills you don't have children over there you don't have responsibilities you don't have to do his laundry over there he comes over he looks good he smells good and he's fresh and he's very best but at home it's a yeah yeah and stuff but at home you know you do have to deal with those things so then yeah you add another thing you know what happened to the man that say hey I think more about you than I think about myself I'm gonna assume you higher than I esteem myself but instead they're going out looking for it someplace else yeah I heard you yeah during the show you were saying you thought it was just selfishness right did I hear its total self total selfishness homeless out fishing okay our Vancouver sky pers one in come on guys what do you want to say hi hi all right Suzanne I just wanted to say that I agree with the lady when she's talking about you know she's got so much on her plate that she doesn't feel like she can add something else to you know my making her husband feel you know better and more - yeah yeah and that's sort of how I felt before I found out about my husband's affair off by find out about my husband's affair I had all the incentive and motivation in the world to find out why he has the affair and to try and save my marriage because I didn't want my children to have to go back and forth to two different homes because there were the ones I'm gonna pay the price if our marriage fell apart not like me and not my husband my kids so for me it was very important it wasn't about how much I was hurting or what a jerk he had been it was about how do I hear what he's saying how do I stop listen to what he's saying and take ownership and responsibility and say am I willing to try to fix this because the goal I wanted was to celebrate my 40th wedding anniversary with this man sitting and sitting there feeling like oh well he's done this terrible thing and so he's the bad guy and I was a victim wasn't going to get me there so I had to find a way to and it was a it's a very difficult journey to go through yeah and it goes in stages first of all isn't it Suzanne isn't it a decision you have to make too because you said I decided that I wanted to have my 40th anniversary this guy so it also is about a decision to move for it is absolutely and you have to learn how to in some ways compartmentalize because for me it was about my children and I wanted them to be able to grow up in a happy loving fun at home and I wanted the affair to be to be a footnoted on marriage I didn't want to a define our marriage I wanted it to be something like really think about it oh yeah did that happen but it didn't define it yeah if somebody said to me 20 years from now you know how was your marriage I don't want to even remember that there was an affair in it and I think that's possible and I want my children to be able to see that I can love my husband and I can forgive him and I teach my children to you know oh you almost don't think her right so I wanted to be able to model the behavior that I expect some of them and this was my opportunity yeah and and in key point guys she said 20 years from now not now because of course you remember that it's an affair because and a lot of women you know cringe when you said that because you know when you've been through it it's it's always fresh for you it's like I don't think I can ever forget this ever but I thought that was that's a brilliant uh that's very profound what you just said you can you can allow it to to be a footnote and not to define your marriage it's oh I mean I'm not living in the past that means you're living your life in the now instead of living your life and I also wanted you know to say what Gary Numan said in the book which I really agree with my husband is not a bad guy he was a monster for for a certain period of time and very cool and very cold but but today the man that that realizes and owns the behavior that he was doing because of things that I maybe didn't did or didn't do in terms of the appreciation and the sex and a lot of the things that Gary talks about in the book that didn't encompass everything but but I'm not able to give to him he's able to give back to me and now we have a better a better marriage because of those things okay yeah I'm eight years beyond my husband's affair and I am at a place where I am so healed today that although I of course remember everything about the affair and I don't think I ever could forget I have absolutely no pain associated with the memory of my husband's affair anymore because I get it and I understand how a good man can end up in that situation Wow Janet what do you want to say when her from usually it's work it's it's work any good relationship takes work it takes two people to have a relationship and to be able to honestly communicate your feelings I think that if you do that you don't remind each other how to take time I agree with the point about having the date nights and and and spending time with your your part or discussing things other than the bills the kids the money so you know that's work that's the hardest job a person will ever have and that is keeping their relationship together and you know but a real your spouse you know having a relationship with your husband or wife and husband whatever it's it's the hardest job you'll ever have ever and it takes well really yeah yeah yeah it was harder yeah I mean I I think it's not as hard if you begin your relationship leading a marriage centered lifestyle I think that's the issue that it's just we don't think about the marriage stand up yeah go ahead I just think marriage centered lifestyle lifestyle that's very that's where we are consistently talking to each other I tell people they should spend for 45 minutes uninterrupted periods together each week four times a week for 45 minutes to chat to hang out as a minimum now people go crazy think what are you just saying 45 minutes we don't have its we have such a chaotic life I just saw we don't even know with you both if you both work to get the kids in bed at a decent hour and then are you ready for this watch everybody's face watch everybody's face lock your bedroom door at night you know what we're missing a lot and I don't have to say are they don't even not okay and how can you allow yourself that time in your bedroom and I'm talking about sexuality just sensuality to have an adult time together where you have the time to be with each other turn off your blackberries or your crack berries as my wife calls Derek that's very very difficult during football Susan yeah okay if you could pay attention to me like he does his team there it would be good there you go there you go how about this sleep naked the point is we spend about we spend about 2,500 hours a year sleeping I'm saying is that the point is engender a culture of just being private with each other that's all you know there are certain things that we just don't even think of doing and we just give and give more to the children to the business to the work to everybody else except ourselves that's building a marriage centered lifestyle right you're telling me that you are sleeping naked I always have my yarmulke I'm sorry on the last show it stuck with me Gary said that when he talked about the winning attitude yeah and with men how if it gets to be the fourth quarter and the game looks lost that we move on to something else and I think what she said about you know we're not sticking it to the to the men to the men enough I don't think as men we're sticking it to each other enough about challenging ourselves to more that situation we were we were married for 12 years in the last three separated and I had had multiple affairs right from the beginning of our marriage and we have since we were divorced for two years and we been we just celebrated our one-year anniversary of marriage again a few weeks ago but to me a lot of in reading the book a lot of the stuff to me sounds like straightening the chairs on the deck of the Titanic where I don't know there's anything that she could have done you know she could have baked an apple pie every night and swing from a trapeze later and I don't think it would have mattered for me I think that until we're willing to do the hard work of going inside and you know it's just like David had talked a little bit about that that you got to look inside and say what's behind all this and what am I not dealing with were you a part of the 12 percent of guys who gonna cheat no matter what yeah I don't think it was a cavalier attitude I so wanted to be I mean I thought somehow that slipping a ring on my finger was gonna change everything you know I felt like all the stuff all the baggage that I had and all the bad behaviors and and all that kind of stuff I'd never been faithful in any relationship from high school on but somehow I thought that that was going to change and until I got to the things behind it right it wasn't going to change so what was behind it why were you having multiple affairs well that's you know detail obviously well screwed-up stuff going on there right yeah yeah like a lot I just think that it goes back to too early years and just how how I dealt with women from the very beginning what I got from women it was a completely a conquest thing and a feeling of Worth based on what women were willing to do which is what you were saying to me about Mark who was the caller earlier you were saying that mark was basically a lonely guy yeah lonely from childhood he had lived his childhood in loneliness and had no friends and no friends except Katherine and he was clearly discovered he was sabotaging even that relationship he was driving himself toward loneliness and a large part of the book that we haven't been able to touch which you have been so wonderful in with other authors of course talking about is the different voices that are in our head a large part of my book is helping women in a quick way understand the real deeper roots and Men as well the real deeper roots about what's what's making them act it's not all about today it's so much about the past and having a system by discovering that when you're feeling uncomfortable are you feeling uncomfortable it's a tank-top up okay much boobs are showing that's what it said pull your tank top oh thank you for sharing that that's really that's really candid of you really no I mean I've never heard a guy say I've had multiple affairs and it was all about me that's really good really good so first of all I'd like to thank you Vancouver ladies for having such great posture during this entire show I will say I mean doing the entire show your posture has been absolutely perfect did they tell you to sit up or something like a hose we're sitting very straight yeah very good posture quickly yeah but yeah please do go ahead okay I just wanted to commend the gentleman that was saying that came on to say that he had the affair and that he and his wife we're trying to work through it yeah one of the things I wanted to su point out was that you know what he's doing he's doing all the right things and what you gentlemen gentleman really know that she's doing all the right things and what I found was the band group was that the band group allowed me to hear other women's stories so what happens in the group we all get together we have guidelines that we follow and we give opportunity for every person to share a little bit about their situation and I can tell you Oprah that for me when I was healing every time I told my story to someone who actually got it and understood my own pain diminished a little bit and there are moments that can happen when you're in a group of people that are experiencing the same thing that can't happen in a one-on-one type therapy session you start to realize how not alone you are the real focus of a band is healing you know that's that's basically in the nutshell how do you join band bartman healing how do you join it how do you join band I go to beyond Affairs calm and you look advanced support groups the list of cities and then you see where all they are and there's an email contact for every city where we have a group and all it takes for there to be a group in any location is for somebody to volunteer to coordinate that group and we have tremendous support for the coordinators to help now solutely fantastic thank you ladies for being here with such good posture from Vancouver thank you bye bye guys everybody thank you

Channel: Neuman Method

Views: 436,114

Rating: 4.6496572 out of 5

Keywords: Relationship Advice, Marriage, Marriage Advice, Marriage Help, Today Show, Oprah, Ricki Lake, Steve Harvey, Family, Parenting, Parent, Kids, Children, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating Help, Best Parenting, Education, Hoda and Kathy Lee, Katie Couric, Anderson Cooper, M. Gary Neuman, Neuman Method, Marriage Therapy, Marriage Counseling, Matt Lauer, Relationship Counseling, Oprah Winfrey, The Today Show (TV Program)

Id: stk_9CduKv8

Length: 17min 17sec (1037 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 13 2013