One Mindset to Conquer Rejection

hello this is Matthew with love life we have a caller on the line today with a very interesting question getti are you there yes I am talk to me about your question alright so I read your tweet yesterday about rejection and I agreed with it 100% but let's be honest rejection really sucks so how can I move on from then what sucks about rejection well just a feeling that you get afterwards knowing that you weren't the one that that person chose so just moving on after the grieving process that's what really really is petrified to me what what was the rejection that you had in mind was it someone that rejected you for a relationship was it someone that said they weren't attracted to you what was the rejection someone that rejected me for a relationship we were really really close and he decided that he would go and be with someone else and they actually ended up getting married and it was really painful and difficult for me to move on from that so that's what really you know stuck on my mind how do I move on from that how do I try to get into another relationship because at this point I'm just afraid of allowing somebody so close to me again yeah it's really hard isn't it absolutely it's really hard I am you know I've thought a lot about this and it's really interesting because there's a there's almost a fine line between insecurity and narcissism insecurity can be where we say I no one will ever love me narcissism could be everyone has to love me and I know that those two sounds so opposite but think about it for a moment sometimes when we get upset because someone said they didn't want us and then we say well I'm now afraid to go back out there again in case the next person doesn't want me it we can come dangerously close to essentially putting out the message that everyone is supposed to want us like if we want somebody and then that person didn't want us back well now that now that's going to turn us off because everyone should have wanted me and the next person might not want me either well the truth is there are many many many many many people who aren't going to want us just as look I consider myself to be a good public speaker I also know that I have a certain audience that I'm not for everybody and that there will be certain audiences that will never come to my seminars it doesn't change how good of a public speaker I am I would not base how good I am on whether people want to coming to my shows or not there are certain types of people that will come and see me live because they like the work that I do but just because some people don't like the work that I do it doesn't mean I'm not a good public speaker it doesn't mean I don't have good things to say do you understand what I mean by that yes I don't you're just you you you have to know that not everyone is your audience that is true I guess what my biggest concern is because I've already gone through that process you know I read your books and listened to a lot of your your radio sessions but I guess my biggest concern is the fact that sometimes I just make myself so unapproachable because I'm afraid of getting hurt again well so how do you want to live your life um carefree like I've always been it's just fear I'm just fearful of getting rejected again I guess but what are you more fearful of getting rejected again or living your life in a cave like a sneeze in a cave isn't isn't that worse if you picture the rest of your life cowering and being afraid and being this person who can't go and talk to people or can't put themselves out there or can't actually go and give people compliments in case she doesn't get one back is that is that an image that excites you for your life no it sounds pretty boring it sounds pretty worse I think I think if you were honest you would say was worse than boring it's kind of a it's kind of a gross image isn't it of your life that this idea that you'll constantly be cowering in a corner while other people go and have fun and talk to each other and have relationships you're cowering in a corner because of a couple of rejections you've had yeah you're absolutely right you know that that I think is scarier you tell me you you you have to be the expert in your life you tell me which is which is scarier the the possible rejection from another guy or living your whole life as somebody that you don't like well I would hate being somebody that I don't like I want to be comfortable in my own skin so I guess I just have to move on from this funk how old do you know I'm twenty-five twenty-five so so here's the thing right now you have the benefit of being an age where it feels like you have all the time in the world right and the luxury of feeling like you have all the time in the world is that you feel like you have all the time in the world to waste on bad beliefs and bad ideas and insecurities and I can guarantee you that people don't feel that when they're about to die when people are about to die they don't suddenly freak out about a possible rejection that's not what's on their mind what's on their mind is I wish I was around to be rejected I wish I was around to have the possibility of someone rejecting me to have the possibility of feeling something and I'm not going to be here and what a tragic unbearable thought that is the luxury and I'm you know I'm like you Getty I'm young enough to have the luxury of thinking I have time to waste and it's a false luxury because the reality is a none of us know how much time we have and B even if we have as much time as we think we have it's not nearly as long as we think it is and it goes so incredibly quickly and that being the case make no mistake you will ten years from now be 35 and saying I wasted ten years avoiding situations because of a guy that I made so important that I threw away a decade of my potential on him how what could be more tragic and frightening than that thought now extended 20 years now go to 45 look back you've just wasted 20 years of your life on one guy he wasn't even there anymore he could he doesn't even know he has that power he's not even around to to know he has that power but guess what you've wasted 20 years of your life on his rejection and thinking about that and allowing it to you over the course of your life you could keep extending this right the way through your life but even by 45 this pain would be unbearable to know that you'd let someone control your life in that way the the person that you hurt is is yourself life life is so unbearably short the biggest waste of life is life wasted on these kinds of negative ideas that stop you doing things so right now I know that in your mind you may be looking forward saying you know well I could carry this belief around with me for a while and you know and hide away and not approach guys and not go for the next relationship because I'm scared of rejection and Matt that's really controlling me and I'm a human being after all this is controlling me and I say okay fair enough that's one path you could take or you could say you know what's going to be a really human moment is in 10 years when you feel unbelievable unbearable sickening regret because you gave up ten years of potential all right you know I remind myself every time I go out every time I go out and I don't talk to anyone and I don't approach someone I don't I don't put myself outside my comfort zone because I'm scared I'm scared that I might approach a woman and she might reject me I might talk to someone and be embarrassed because she doesn't want to know she doesn't Noemie she doesn't want to give me any time I always remind myself every night I go out and do that it's like I went out with this amazing this amazing superpower and didn't use it and I don't mean that because I'm so great I just mean that I'm alive and well I have a lot to offer somebody and every time I go out and I and I hold back because I'm afraid I'll get rejected it's like I had this superpower that I'm just keeping locked away I'm not even using and that makes me really sad because I won't always have that superpower they'll come a time where I don't have it anymore and I'll look back and I'll go look how many nights I wasted with this unbelievable weapon and I didn't even use it I didn't even use it and I don't want that to happen for you Getty and I don't think it needs to happen for you you could you have a decision to make you can hold on to this idea that rejection is the worst thing that can happen to you and you can hold on to it for a long time I've seen you know you're you're the fortunate one you're 25 I've got clients who are 40 years your senior Wow who who come to me and they realize they've wasted so much time on those kinds of beliefs you're lucky because you get to stop it in its tracks now but if you decide rejection is the scariest thing to you you'll always avoid guys if you decide that regret is the scariest thing to you then you'll go out there and you're talk to everybody and you'll have an amazing time doing it because you'll know no rejection could be as painful as the regret you will feel later on well that was really powerful I think I'm just going to start you know looking at my life a little bit different now because that was that was a lot that was very helpful not nasty I really do appreciate that you're very welcome listen I'll tell you this Getty I'm just as afraid of rejection as you are people think I'm not you know people people they think I'm not they think I go out and I don't have these kinds of thoughts I'm just as afraid of rejection as you are but I fear regret more I favorite much a lot scarier rejection it does is it rejection is momentarily but regret is lifetime yep that's right that's right so get to go out there have fun small risks every day that's all it is small risks every day and always remind yourself that you can sleep at night knowing you tried but the thing that will keep you up at night is knowing that you didn't even put yourself out there thank you everybody for listening in I so appreciate you listening in to a show like this and and being brave enough to take the advice and go and use it most people will never will but I think we're different here I think we have a unique little community here of people that really want to go out and try things and put themselves out there and I appreciate you for that because you give me strength as well and you and you make me excited about it as well so guys if you want to call in if you want to have your question answered call in eight four four two zero four six two double eight that's eight four four two zero for Matt and I will speak to you on the next episode of love life you

Channel: Matthew Hussey

Views: 1,051,880

Rating: 4.9475665 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: w8JopEnIuEQ

Length: 12min 11sec (731 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 07 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/Calderon1915]

He delivered good advice on the difference between rejection and regret. I really touched my heart - got cheated by a girl last December. Now I'll not give her the power to rule over me.

[u/bigdaddympb]

Is your greatest fear rejection or regret? I really appreciate that line.

[u/ACudi]

This was solid. Thanks for sharing this.

[u/thebigspooner]

He talks about how "you can't be for everyone" right after she talks about how the person that rejected her was really close friends with her.

Something here does not make sense.. and he does not address this at all. His dialogue is out of touch, and not really an accurate response to her experience.

In my opinion, you can't talk about rejection in such a broad sense. Look more closely at the situation. Why did this specific situation hit her so hard? I'm sure she has been rejected before..

Why exactly was she rejected? Why was she surprised that she was rejected? Was she delusional about her friendship/relationship? Missing out on some form of communication?

It's great that he motivated this person to not fear rejection, and it is the first small step in the process.. but perhaps ignoring your distress won't teach you anything.