Neuroscientist Reveals: The SCIENCE Of Falling In LOVE with Caroline Leaf

everything that we do that is impacting us negatively is coming from something we've experienced everything so it's essential that we live lifestyles of Mind management so that we can observe ourselves so if I for example I've trained myself to do this if I start noticing a certain pattern in my behaviors and I notice that these may be some jealousy emerging with an Envy I'm very quick to observe it no I'm not saying I'm a saint at all from it I'm just saying I've trained myself and I'm proud that I've trained myself and I'm saying it because you can do this I think you've got to have a dream the school of greatness yeah please welcome I'm excited about having you here because I feel like people are struggling in relationships right now there's a lot of confusion and I feel like a lot of it has to do with the way we think and how our minds and our brains are wired around love so I'm curious can you start us off by talking about why and how we are wired for love as human beings and why it is so challenging for so many people to find and attract act healthy love this is such an excellent question and such an important question and one that I've actually written about quite often and is actually a nobel's winning scientist who talks about the fact that being wired for love and so it's a it's a good term it's a really great way of explaining things so in a nutshell I'm a psycho neurobiologist as you know so look at mind brain Body Connection so what we what myself and other scientists have found is that your brain and body are basically wired for love and your mind so because they're three separate things so that means that every single cell every single organ every single system is wide for life which means survival which means that we are geared towards be loving each other connecting with each other supporting each other helping each other you know we already made to make love and not war you know and that's really what how we function but we free will learn choices in life happens and that can mess with that and an interesting kind of way of understanding this also is if something bad happens um like politics or whatever we drawn to that not because we have bad wiring in us or that we have a natural sort of evil wiring which is what often people talk about that we have the sort of um back dark side it's we we're daunted because of being wired for love so if something is hard is toxic in whatever form we're drawn to that to fix it really it fascinates us because and it grabs us because it's throwing love off balance so if okay so let me write this down so if if we see someone that maybe has toxic Tendencies or behaviors or thoughts or energy maybe not all the time but we see like something a part of them is broken right right does that mean we're broken also and we're trying to fix them and us or we are not broken but we're trying to fix someone else we drawn not so much trying to fix each other we've drawn to try and support return to balance and so it could be that we are very drawn because it reflects our own Brokenness and we can recognize the similarities it could be for a multitude of reasons there's going to be so many reasons why someone's broken this could just be that you just love that person so much and you see them broken and it just touches you so many reasons right but we don't to try and restore the balance interesting and you know what's interesting is like if you take a political kind of situation where people are doing or conspiracy theories or the things that are happening in our country at the moment where there's so much divide and so much hate as opposed to love and what people are so fascinated with that negative news and that kind of thing very often it's pitched as because you've got this dark side as I mentioned but we're not people are caught up in that because it's so and it's a necklace is so not normal now they don't know that sort of consciously people aren't talking about it like that but that is part of our hearing so essentially when people get sucked in and then they get down the rabbit hole of the negative toxicity and really get caught up what happens is that your brain will merge with your environment so a bit and your brain is driven by your mind so where your mind drives your brain your brain and you you keep the focus that's what your brain will merge with so where people stay in and become more and more and more and more toxic is because their mind they haven't mentioned their mind so their mind is now kind of just Macy mines just kind of according to this pathway and then they've wired that functioning that way of thinking into the brain and it's counter to our natural functioning so there's literally that wires in a toxic salt into the brain and I know your audience has seen these trees or whatever so that is in your brain and that Toxic Event or whatever that you're getting sucked into can you explain it what's in the brain absolutely so this does whatever we tended to do the brain can't do anything on its own when you date your brain just disintegrates so the thing that's making the brain work is your mind so your mind is your sentence your aliveness your ability to have this conversation to appreciate a rainbow to love Martha to do all the different things if you do as a human that's what our mind is and it's actually a a biofield that's in and around us that makes us work makes your heart pump it makes you see the meaning of a sunset the meaning behind a painting it's all of those things so to the basic biology of making your brain work the energy waves and the chemicals and your heart pump to us experiencing our Humanity to experiencing feeling and love these things the Mind allows us to perceive our environment exactly and experience it the experience of a conversation and enjoying each other at the conv all of that no mind you and I couldn't do this we'd be dead and we'd have a disintegrating brain so the brain's not doing any of that so all of because um the the nature of the brain every every part of the brain right and the body right down to the level of if you go with the structures down to the cells down to the inside the cells everything's good for survival everything is good for Wired for love so survival and white for love are basically in the same pathway so if you hate each other doesn't lead to survival hatred leads to death and dissension leads to death in in stages and breakdown and disease and all that kind of stuff so if and in terms of ourselves if people are get caught up in hate hating each other Envy jealousy Ascension that each of those experiences is becoming a physical thing in the brain so let's say that you are watching something on TV that's working you up and it's very negative and you get into conversations you start fighting with family members and you know like a vaccine of a covert for example and broke up family members that experience is your mind is make is listening to all the stuff processing you with your mind and it lands up becoming a physical structural change in your brain really so that energy goes into your brain your brain responds electromagnetically electrochemically and genetically and it's happening very fast it's like waves of energy that you're putting in your brain and they black away both collapse build cleanse every time you collapse you make proteins and those proteins hold that information as a vibration and those proteins pull together to grow these things and what are these things salts so basically this is the mind this is thought this is this is what the Mind looks like in the brain aha gotcha does that make sense so this is so every experience that we have with our mind which is life is built into these thought trees into the brain and they are they have this the structure where there's the source or root system and then there's a processing um how we uniquely process that experience and then there's our interpretation of that experience as a unique human being how we create meaning around it our interpretation of meaning yes that's what this is exactly so those are in the brain good and the bad hopefully more of these now we wired for these this brings health to the brain this is the bad thoughts that's the toxic thought they're very much alive and that's the healthy food that's the hard okay and that's very much what they look like they look like these Branch things and the roots of the source and so essentially we this is what we wired for this is wired for love and it applies into we want a beautiful garden that's what we want you want the forest and garden yes rainforest all those things exactly and at the core of who we are that's wide full of nature that we see as these healthy trees in the brain healthy functioning of all the cells and the organs and so on of the body and also in the actual cells of the body right down into the depths of the cells health and love and survival kind of all go together okay so as soon as something happens like a toxic relationship or a toxic focus of whatever whatever it may be is people these instead of these we build negative thoughts toxic thoughts over healthy thoughts exactly and the thought you can see there's lots of branches and Roots so that thought is made of a lot of memories memories of the data so this is the whole conversation or the the you know the details is the data so that's and so and the similar data classes together to form thoughts so if you think about the data or the memory so memories of the details of the thoughts so sort of made of root memories and interpretation anyways does it make sense okay so these then this is what the brain is designed for so if these go into the brain the immune system of the brain says hey that's pathogen that's like a pathogen that's like the covert virus it's toxic so it seems out immune factors in exactly the same way as if it was a covert virus in your body or whatever in any kind of virus or a bacteria or something that's threatening your survival your immune system kicks in we all understand it and sends out immune factors it creates inflammation around that area in the brain in the brain and the body depending on where it's first if it's toxic or first in the brain so let me good question let's reverses here's the toxic experience lands up in the brain as thus in the mind it's a field but it's not a nice sine wave it's a crazy chaotic energy wave and in the body it's a change inside the actual structure of the cell in an area called a microtubule and the microchute inside the cell and those microtubules are made of proteins and those proteins hold the vibrations of intonation they hold the memory they hold the memory right so you build the main memory in your brain and that works very closely with your mind and then as it builds in your brain your brain sends instruction and evolves in all other 37 200 trillion cells or however many we have in your body so it's a slightly different type of memory but it builds into the data is built into every cell of our body that's how we have body memory okay that's what we can you know we can feel the pain and not enough to send our mind but in our body we and when we say I feel the pain in my mind you are those waves will give you a headache those the actual physical damage in your brain that this is causing you you feel it so what I'm hearing you say is the lines is an energy field yes we call it a biofield a bio fields and it's how far does it expand from the body not sure but like an Armstrong maybe you're a few feet I think in at the stage and sounds we're not sure but it's probably kind of honestly yes and so it's a bio field at energy Fields the mind is there yes and it's embodied it goes around and through around and through yes and when you mix when we experience something we see an event someone says something to us we interpret it it could be a bad thing but we could interpret it good and it could have a positive effect or it could be a bad thing and we really hold on to this negative thought and one of the two we build one of these kind of negative thought trees when that happens then it's not going to have a frequency in this bio field that is calm and peaceful this harmonious frequency it's going to be a chaotic frequency it's going to be chaotic and when we have a chaotic frequency in the mind or bio field it will also penetrate the physical Fields exactly and it'll cause stress it causes overwhelm or cause fear scarcity exactly lack uh defensiveness all these different things all these different things got it it's brilliant brilliantly and you can no that was good I think he made it simpler than what I did and it was really good so that also um what we what these research that I mean this mind-blowing research out there but there's research that's being done that shows that um these these two trees inside if you go inside these are the dangerous this is a neuron if you go inside that's where you find these what we call these microtubules that are made of these proteins that actually store the the little Remains the vibration yeah so it's basically inside not the outside of the neuron you go inside but you find these special proteins that roll at the like beads and they roll up into these like sheets and the inside there you've got this vibration which is like an aromatic ring and that's what is what's the memory and it can constantly change they build and rebuild that do this building and rebuilding in the brain in the body The Monaco Railway track so they kind of fixed and then they go through a different process of change now now I'm going into detail but they found resonance that is similar to music that these vibrations in the microtubules produce resonance like a harmonious resident or non-harmonious residence so this would be a harmonious resonance unique to the individual and this would be a non-harmonious resonance and what they've even found and this is research that's like still pretty new is that it kind of lines up with the universe in terms of planetary movement of stars and I mean there are drawing lines the frequencies yeah there's so Roger penis for example the mathematician is one of Novel prizes and I mean he's a phenomenal he's actually doing showing how this kind of works sure and so whatever so if we are if we have a lot of the toxic thoughts stored in our our minds our memories and ourselves yes from experiences events childhood previous relationships that maybe didn't end well and we have these memories that are these toxic thoughts yeah how can we heal those thoughts to attract healthy love moving forward exactly perfect so great question so essentially what will happen is if these are unresolved issues from a toxic relationship so let's say that you had a really bad marriage where you've had a really bad whatever and there's all the experience is stored in the sort of that's the source as it's happening in natural interpretation and there's a great strong chance that the interpretation of things like I don't deserve level I'll never have love or I can't trust that person or you know there's too good to be true or is it yeah looking for the shoe to drop you know and sort of and then holding back and hesitating to commit and you know all those kinds of things so that's that's what's in here because of that and there's this distorted processing and this not only is it affecting your actual relationship but you are actually increasing the vulnerability of your brain and body to Disease by 35 to 98. wow really over time yeah it's cumulative over time now I know you've interviewed me to episode or communicating and going to be doing some work in the future and we have them work on telomeres as well based on her research and has shown that um in in with mind management you can actually grow telomeres and make them healthy wow within nine week cycles and an unhealthy telomere is what you're going to see in this kind of tree a healthy telomeres which you can see in here so if you've got a toxic issue you haven't dealt with not only is it affecting the relationship but it's shopping your telomeres it's changing your inflammation it's affecting your hypothalamic pituitary axis it's affecting everything so that over time the weak and telenas make weakened cells which make weaken systems which make weakened bodies vulnerability so it's not something that what I'm the point I'm making versus a real can't actually sit with those issues we've got to deal with them because we are shortening autonomies we are increasing our vulnerability to disease and illness over time so wow you know how can we I mean if we don't if we don't manage these tossing thoughts and memories from previous relationships that have hurt us or caused this harm or frustration and and sometimes when we end a relationship it can be devastating it can take years to recover sometimes if we don't learn to heal these toxic thoughts you carry that into the relationship is it possible to create a healthy relationship in the next one yes it is so if we don't heal these thoughts no not if you don't heal them it's they're always going to stick sorry I I didn't listen yeah so is it if we don't heal these toxic thoughts from previous relationship is it possible to have a healthy relationship in the future if we don't heal them no that's a straight really it's going to affect us so the person isn't going to change in front of us the next person and be better change yourself we've got to change yourself because what will happen is if we don't heal that we're going to always look for that we're going to look for we're going to externalize this and we're going to be looking for the lack that this is created in that person and because it's not their issue it's yours they're never going to satisfy that so you're going to go from relationship to relationship looking for something that's missing in you wow so you have to change your relationship with yourself before you can change your relationship with someone else so you're not going to fix everything before a relationship because there's certain triggers in a relationship I've been married 35 years and we're still working through things and then we realize hey that's actually coming from just the other day we talked you know that the issue has actually come from like way back when that's something that you know in in his childhood that that kind of clash you know what I'm saying but weeks so we didn't feel everything before we got married but we healed a lot before we got married and and that you know so you you the biggest issues that we will obviously the most obvious ones you'll work on first but a lot of people don't even want to work on those and a lot of people's coping mechanism is one of you know what it's not me that's the problem right it's the other person all they say I need that from that person and I'm looking for that from that person so that's why I said if you go into a relationship like that it's not going to work it's going to be a very challenging it may last but it's never gonna you may even get married you may even find that you stay married if we but at some point things crash it may not be healthy yeah exactly and then if you have kids along the way you know they get more stressful stressful and so why you mentioned this in the beginning that why do we why do we attract certain people you were saying like we tracked what were we saying like we tracked someone who might have something broken inside of them so we can bring Harmony or balance what we're saying so basically it's humans Humanity or the way we we are because of a wide full of nature in the mind brain and body when something is off we don't do that to restore balance so um that's why very often you will see you may recognize your Brokenness which is one of the comments you made in someone else and they could do it to them oh it could be that you just see something that's that you didn't really experience but it could have triggered something or didn't trigger something but just the mere fact that you're human is a desire to help that's where people go in that's what people look at what you've done with your life you help people right the whole biggest one of your biggest features about you as a person is you have a desire to constantly help others you know and that's very authentic and very real people see that very clearly in you but when it happened here's the interesting thing you hear this in uh sometimes you hear women who will try to find a guy who maybe has a deficiency or is broken or something's off right and they see the potential and they're like okay I want to go help this person overcome this challenge or this pain or the struggle and fix them um and they struggle for them that guy to change or transform or heal or grow or when they do transform then there's nothing else to fix or they try to reinvent new problems to fix in them so what happens when a woman who is not healed finds a healthy man a man who's working on himself who wants to grow is doing it independently but doesn't need like all this fixing why is she unable to but be okay and happy in a healthy relationship just these Brokenness in her and what she's trying to fixes herself externalizing it and you'll see that male to female you'll sit in male to male relationship female to female relationship whatever in any kind of relationship it's not just a male to female thing female to male thing it's also in any kind of gender relationship so it's it's a it's it's the unique person so first we must look at the person see ourselves as a unique human being and then we look at what our gender is and what and that's really important because otherwise we're going to have this um and can't if we have this sort of sexist thing that you know that's done in one side or another kind of thing and it's very I mean it's I'm not contradicting what you're saying it's totally I totally agree it could be a female to whatever it is yeah so essentially this Brokenness is um the is the first comment that you question that you made we can be attracted to and it's not the Law of Attraction we are not talking about that absolutely not okay that's not what I'm talking about that's a whole different story in a whole different very uncientific story too but these uh these elements of Truth in everything what we're doing what we're talking about here is the essence of what I have missing in my relationship I need to either I see in someone else and want to fix or I want to because I'm a fan of things I'm missing in my relation to myself yes someone else that I can fix yes and these two key things over there is instead of me fixing myself I'm telling someone else and you can't fix anyone else the only thing person you can fix is yourself all we can do is support other people that's when it gets even more challenging in relationships when you're constantly trying to change someone okay constantly trying to fix them or change them I just feel like that's where a lot of stress and Chaos happens it's conflict because you're not accepting them exactly you're not choosing them based on acceptance exactly I can give you an example yes and give you an example of of a relationship of people that have been married for quite a few years and the the male I'm not obviously mentioning names I'm going to protect people's identity but um they they mail the husband in the relationship was incredible used to getting incredibly um irritated with his wife and switch off and found her just demanding and always like nagging and and this they had just kind of got into this pattern of you know very unhealthy and it got to the point where the kids are out of home and all that kind of thing and this person is basically at a point where you know this is like you know do I carry on with us which is very often what happens once after the kids are gone yep then you realize it and this person started doing the neurocycle I mean they were sort of working through this process and started initiating very skeptical because and basically the nearest cycle is just mind management it's the scientific way that you get your mind messy mind to listen to a wise mind to change your neuroplasticity since mind driven your elasticity so it's a science of how do I find how I'm showing up and how can I change that which is your question you asked right in the beginning can we change this or do we have to live with all of this yes we can change it so that person that husband lived with that relationship for years but you don't have to enough for whatever however 40 50 years of marriage it was long that they were in you don't have to remember that you can train your kids to start looking at these things in yourself so that you can become healthy and pick up things quickly and change them long story short after a period of like initially being very skeptical suddenly a connection was made around about three weeks into the process of oh I'm actually blocking off to my wife and she is just trying to get me to connect with her that's what sounds like the neck talking and missing her is just wanting everything to be perfect all the time and finding it really irritating is actually triggering my poor relationship with my Dad wow and my dad was one who'd required completing utter perfectionism oh my gosh and used to constantly go so as soon as it would sound someone was nagging me or criticizing me I shut off I protect coping mechanism and the realization has transformed and saved a marriage I mean I left a lot of detail off but that's the issue of the story sure so there's an incident of years of just growing at this this is the initial incident as a child growing up but the parent that loved the the child but had a way of dealing that made that child feel not good enough how much has how much does our love as adults in relationships reflect based on what we witnessed our parents love like as kids huge huge news really it's it's really huge having said that if you didn't witness a good relationship it doesn't mean you can't have one but it does mean you're going to have to overcome a lot of obstacles and that is definitely it's harder it's harder it's definitely harder because it generally leads to a lot of mistrust and you know as an adult in relationships yeah what very often happens is that when you've seen that you haven't had a good model um you don't get into deep enough relationships and then you can get hurt very easily or you kind of end up maybe sort of almost using people without even consciously using people and you meet people that are also broken so they used to use each other so they it creates a lot of distrust and sort of you know fear and lick of commitment and you you know you look for in it your things will trigger you much more quickly and that kind of thing so it's really important to you know you know what I always say when it comes to Parenting because I'm a parent of four kids as you know and awful work with us which is quite a miracle too which is amazing if you think of it um but I can't I always tell my kids this I was someone's daughter and someone's and I have a mom and a dad and they were someone's daughter and son and so and each person had baggage so you cannot go into a marriage a relationship and parenting without baggage we know that it's logical so you've got all this come down that's in these networks and it plays out and it's triggered and it whatever isn't resolved will be triggered badly and whatever is resolved well you'll handle it you'll see oh it could be like that but I'm like this or my mom did that but I'm not going to do that and so in other words that's where you've worked through something so what we need to do as as daughters and sons going into relationships is to say okay I honor what my parents went through they maybe didn't have a great relationship I don't know the ins and outs it's not really a child's responsibility to know all the intimate details of why a marriage broke down to certain you know there's a certain amount that they should know in a certain amount that they shouldn't know and recognize that you know some some things don't work hard and to honor these stories but at the same time you have the right to honor the impact it had on your life right so it's to kind of so it's not going to be good impact and bad impact at the same time yeah it's if you can hold both in your hand you can hold both in your hands at the same time very often what will either happen is you'll swing to suppressing the negative because you feel you've been destroyed to a parent parents really so yeah and very often happens so you'll almost suppress it for years and I can act like what it didn't happen it wasn't that bad or it said it wasn't to you tonight to diminish you suppress and you don't deal and then you suddenly something will trigger you one day and this happened with the conversation that I had with someone in working in clinical practice we're very successful person and parents went to a very traumatic marriage and um the parents the one parent said way too much to the the children yeah yeah and it was there was there's got to be boundaries there's got to be a amount that you do say because otherwise the child will think it's their fault it's another thing we need to realize children will immediately if there's a broken marriage a child will think it's fearful that they're the cause so it is important to say Hey listen this is not you this is between us if someone watching or listening has parents who have been divorced whether it was traumatic or non-traumatic as a child with their relationship watching the relationship but they went through divorce what how you know what what are the percentages or how does that indicate how successful you will be in a marriage or in a relationship if you don't learn to create new healthy meaning around their their model of love and relationship and and their divorce and if you don't heal and process that like what are we setting ourselves up for if we don't if we're not aware of it and make sure we really work on these things if our parents have been divorced you see yourself up for failure and the the reason I say that it sounds really harsh but the other flip side of the queen is that once you do deal with it you send yourself up for success and that powers in your hands you know and that's really why it's so important that we don't suppress stuff because suppressing stuff not only is it keeping the toxicity increasing or vulnerability to disease of physical suffering and you will suffer more and more over time because it's counter it's your natural wordful of natures being challenged through survival is being challenged so your body is trying to find this thing um at the same time you are going to kind of Boomerang from one bad relationship into the next because you haven't dealt with the core issue but once you start dealing with it the beauty of you can have look at this example of the first example I gave you can have a 50-year marriage and 50 years of a toxic pattern that really was problematic and you can heal that and have the loss however many years you've got left in a very healthy relationship so you the the the Hope Lewis is in the fact that we can change but there is work involved there is no pull that's going to fix it there is the work involved what happens to the brain then when we see our parents that have Harmony at home they they hold hands they kiss they dance they love each other they show affection versus what happens in the brain when we see distance passive aggressive energy between our parents yelling screaming slamming them doors no affection between each other as a model what happens to the brain with those two instances such a good question so basically observing your parents as a child that's your you know you're modeling that relationship so your relationships are that's your model so you're wiring that in so you're wiring in the fights for the slam doors the silent treatment the the moaning the upset the crying the tears the confusion the closed doors and all the noises and sounds and the and maybe it even gets to the point when there's abuse so that becomes your you build it in into your brain and your whole thing is you contrast people these I don't trust someone else I can't I can't build a relationship this is not safe is that is that I can't trust people on intimacy and in romantic relationships or I can trust it friends colleagues feed over into it depending on how bad depending on how you see it depending on your perception depending on the age depending on the context depending on how you involve all those factors will influence how you it's going to play out into your future and um that's yeah so it could I mean some people it will just mean that they it's everything they just live a life of Tom clicking this and that sorry just quickly just I know your questions a lot of narcissistic type Behavior If You Trek back it's complete distrust of all people wow and I'm not condoning it because it's very destructive Behavior patterns that people really suffer from but it's it's trying to control the uncontrollable that they have so very often if you track back you'll see that there's been a model that has been very bad at some point um and they may on the outside they relate the upbringing may have looked perfect like they may have had money in good schools and put together and dress well and yeah but the inside wasn't the the end of the person wasn't validated the ability to hey I came home I believe but it said I'm sad they weren't allowed to process emotions so their coping mechanism mechanism was one of unborn control people I don't trust anyone so I am going to drive this around the shots here around the show and that's can be took narcissistic type Behavior so let's just a side note and is there is there a certain attachment styles that we will have in relationships based on the model we witness from our parents for sure for sure so um attachment Styles research is being done in a very limited with a limited group of people but its applicability is pretty good and um so what we if you look in different cultures it's quite interesting to see that most cultures where you've got sort of more solid relationships it's not the child's brought up by the community so it's not just the mom and dad it's the whole Community really so in the united states and westernized countries it's very much you know isolated yes not enough of a supportive brand and sometimes it's just if it's a way that we've gone you know in this country and in a lot of ways that which is unfortunate because you do get a healthier model and you've got more balance so if you know parents need alone time they've can get it more because you've got the grainy and the family and you've got the community so a lot of pressure on parents that leads to arguments that could have been probably resolved they had a bit more time alone could you know and a child maybe wouldn't invest as much so we have got an involved we have got Society now that has meets opinion look at our society for our societal structures or work structures and that kind of thing they put that kind of pressure on families that's definitely putting pressure that are in a pressure cooker that people are living in a little bit of a pressure cooker which I think is leading toward you know problems in relationships that probably wouldn't have been if they had were the community right so in terms of um how um okay there's so many questions of going through my head now so to bring us back to your question the attachment Styles so in the community we're going to have a slacking more balanced attachment Style versus if it's just if we're if we're raised by a community or aunts and uncles and friends yeah it's more realistic it's more like okay they're all going to give them some time let me go sit with Granny because we're not needing the love and affection from one person is that right or is and you can we get it from a community but if you're in this very isolated insular type environment we disappearance explode safely there's no safer environment there's no exactly there's no safe environment there's no safe environment for the parents so and you're all going to explode it's very normal to have those arguments so that's the ideal it's not what's happening so what do we do now how do we deal with it you have to be honest with your kids you have to and what Nick and I tried this and we got it right and we got it wrong but we got it right I think a lot of the time was we do have very different opinions about a lot of things and both of us are Italian and background and explosive so read that have arguments you know it's easy I mean kids are around and the pressures of raising kids and working four kids that's a lot it's a lot and both of us working and whatever it's it's a lot I mean with countries with young kids and so but what we did from what we did right we were wrong but what we did right was we if we had an argument we would never just leave it we would go to the kids who would apologize we would tell that we gave them permission to tell us when we were getting upsetting them so they would say Hey listen can you just stop you know you're going to make up can you just resolve this one reading this or dead that we're getting permission to actually you know like from an outside point of view saying hey you are impacting us this is really upsetting us interesting and this is you know and reminding us that hey you do that okay so let me go back and stay if you have an argument you need to tell your kids okay we had an argument about X obviously language age appropriate and also within boundaries they don't need all the details yes we had an argument we disagreed on this I don't like Dad's reaction you Dad didn't like my reaction either they said that Tim he did this about me um this is how we resolved it and this is what we're gonna do that's in your cycle we went through all five steps of the neurocycle once we cool down and calm down and we use the nearest cycle individually on ourselves and in on each other then we would and I didn't call it any recycling because that's a new name but that process we applied and it was a god-saving thing it was a life-saving thing in our marriage because it helped us to stand back calm down evaluate what am I really fighting about why what is going to take momentumuri concept what happens if both of us are date tomorrow one of us is dead what could we do right now and so we would resolve at the end you know we would little kids know we still trying to resolve it so there may still be a bit of argument or whatever but this is where we're going this is our resolution we still love each other kids need that even an adult child needs that it is an argument that can have an argument now we still do it we'll still say Hey you know we love each other dead irritating me about the story about that sorry we tell them we so that's what we can do in our inside environments that we live in in this day and age we can go through that process of showing modeling to a child listen it's normal to have arguments we have bad days we are a mess no one's perfect we not perfect we do not expect you to be perfect it's a horrible argument I'm so sorry we should not have yelled it was scary for you tell us how you feel you know get it out don't and go through the sequence don't just blow it all out be ordered the big thing knows about healing in a relationship to have Healthy Future relationships is not just get the kids to talk about emotions or one mix it all up very organized let's talk about this is how I felt this is one of my emotions this is what I said this is what I did all categories of signals very organized I'm going to talk about how we felt our emotions our behaviors our bodily Sensations and our perspectives so we were both mad and irritated we yelled and spoke too loudly and used ugly body language and her leaning in or whatever our perspective was they were very irritated with each other and our bodies our bodies were very tense our shoulders were raised we spoke with loud voices that's how analytical you get and then you say why well we just or why was we disagreed about this concept that said something that I didn't like he didn't listen to my answer whatever whatever it was so we then you know put the wire down then me what you should do is the third step is to then get that out on paper and write that out or visualize it or something so it's a state where you so once you've got that awareness and reflected get the awareness of all those signals reflect on them which is the why of those signals very supported your brain the psycho neurobiology responds to order sequence you throw it all at once it's chaos and that's what a lot of people do and that's what a lot of us do in our relationships and arguments but if you break things down and get in a very you can get calm you can get your neurophysia physiology under in under wraps and you can work through third thing is what Mac and I will do is if we have an argument is we'll we'll write it down we'll text each other we'll get it we'll get all those thoughts out we'll do it on a piece of paper depending on what we're solving how big how small whatever but there's a writing phase where we're pouring off things up then there's a recheck phase okay you see that I said that that was the trigger this is what we did how can we this is the problem how can we solve it in the future what's our action okay this is what we're going to practice and then we tell that to the kids and then we do it so look we're trying this okay guys this is what we need to do if you see us not doing it just remind us so you give them empowerment to okay they'll they'll resolve it they'll they'll get through this one it's horrible we don't like it but we can end it quicker if we remind them of the active reach interesting to step five wow and that sounds like a very idealized thing and it's the skill that you're going to learn like you you're in math you have to practice it yeah and it'll take you 63 days to set it up in your in your home system because it takes that long to to form a habit not between one not four days not one one year's cycle you're going to have to consistently practice for at least 63 to 66 days and I've done a lot of research and doing another big study at the moment looking at the time and the pattern of habit complex habit formation not just the little things I drink your green juice or wash your hands or make sure you get to the gym but the complex luck relationships how long does it take to rewire a pattern so that you can have a change how it impacts your relationship if someone's in a broken relationship right now maybe they've been arguing for years or fighting they don't you know maybe they have good weeks and then there's a bad week and it's the cycle of good and bad up and down and it just feels like it's draining or exhausting what can they do to start healing the relationship to start healing individually and the relationship to create Harmony in the future what are those steps okay so first thing is if it's an abusive relationship then obviously just it's safe it's party as we all know but let's say that it's not an abuser it's just you're just going some bad habits both of you are doing bad bad habits because I'm trying to fix the other person both of you are but you're still together because there's love and there's a desire to be together so if it's that so that's the scenario okay so the first thing to do is to get into some good practices that will help calm your physiology down so I call that brain preparation you come in a nervous system or calming the entire neurophysiology so that when you when your mind you've got a calm wise mind that's always active and always on your side they may have a messy mind that's in the relationship it's in the moment it's the in the moment messy mind it's a reactive reactive learning it's it's very normal it's it's that experimental and it sometimes goes really missing other times it kind of gets it right and whatever so you need a lot of guidance and that's all wired full of nature is a wise mind so the first thing is that when we're in that messy mind State that's sending all this messy energy through the brain and it's triggering all kinds of I mean I say thoughts just think of an argument when you you start some stupid thing get you going and then you end up oh yeah exactly what's the point in the first place okay well why did I even bring that stupid thing up it was all that years ago you know why am I bringing that up now you know that's that's what will happen if you don't calm down on neurophysiology so it's scheduled neurophysiology conference and you can do that with meditation breathing with exercise gym workout with it creating space that actually to both too hot now let's just fresh air yeah it's impression let's resolve this at the latest it create mental physical space I mean just look there's so many ways of doing that there's so many great sort of meditative breathing yes find something that works for you it may not be the same thing uh Mac and I like to just create space and I like to do um a seven a 310 breathe a three seven breathing thing that gets my neurophysiology under control so you breathe in for three and out for seven so and if you do that seven times you'll feel high but it's great because you push so much oxygen to the front of your brain and it's a very good way of climbing down your neurophysiology you can do that in intensive I call it a 10 second pause you can do it for 60 to 90 seconds so it's 10 seconds that you do six to nine times a great little formula for calming down neurophysiology that's that's a Fail-Safe we always use really good fail safe okay we are a family your own business all of us are involved it's very easy to argue with family so when we all get hit up which we do because we're all very Italian we do a 10 second pause and we will go out there and grab a cup of coffee and then come back and reconvene those simple things that I know we know but I'll be doing them or are you trying to push through I've got to solve this now I used to be like that at the bed we've got to fix this now and so I had to learn to hey no you don't have to fix it now okay so that's first impression is it possible to fix something when you're in chaotic thoughts you can but it's more difficult and you you have to you know it's just going to be confusing and you know messy and harder and not very sustainable and it's just it's not a very peaceful way of doing it exhausting yeah I wouldn't do it that way then the next thing that's very practical is you can focus on good stuff so it may just be good stuff about yourself so you can part of what I'd work part of meant for health is not just detoxing stuff it's also building healthy stuff so I love talking to you we have good conversations every time I talk to him and I think about we have great memories of all conversations so if I want to get myself into a good State I can think of I can recall a good moment like maybe a conversation with you I love my research we just published a paper and I mean I look at those results and I get like it's like high literally so get yourself so this is two silly examples but they're very powerful so if you've now calmed down in your physiology and you're now going to focus on something that you know makes you feel great that means you're pulling this up when you pull this up amazing things happen in your brain you you change all the Delta Theta Alpha Beta gamma frequencies you calm down think of the waves of the C you want you know they're bold they're deep and big and then they're built on the beach crash make little waves go back we want that kind of energy going through our brain which activates good neurochemical flow the endocrine all that stuff immune system so by the brain prep that I explained the breathing whatever and then these you have put yourself into a really good brain State mind brain body State not just brain state but you've got a very good flu happening now you're still as irritated as stall would like to go and do something physical like you know whatever I'm just joking but I mean you might want to throw a plate at the wall or you still ah I'm so mad about like it's okay it's okay to be missing so third thing tell yourself it's okay to be a mess it's okay I can be a mess it's okay first it's normal but how am I gonna manage the mess so they give yourself permission to be the most feel the Miss analyze them is I'm frustrated what's my emotion I'm what's my body feeling what's my perspective in this moment what am I doing so you go through it's okay to be a mess and do a little mini neurocycle gosh am I feeling like this right a few things down do a recheck okay this is happening what can I do action okay I'm ready to talk see what I've just done yeah so Step One is brain prep step two is think of something good this is activated on natural resilience we have we are not fragile we are resilient we are much more resilient than we realized but if we take on the current forecast that we break and it almost direct us for life we're going to become fragile which we're not to be in a mosque on natural resilience we are pretty amazing as humans look at the stories of people surviving and getting through stuff you know and then we need to go on that we need to unmask our resilience so these steps the brain prep focusing on something about yourself and then you could also add up to this not just focusing on your own good stuff you could think of something great about your partner you could think you know what do you ever think of a great memory which is a really good addition I mean that people here before but you know I'm sure you've heard that sure but it's doing this great stuffing your brain I've been doing you're recycling yourself you can do this in three minutes in 10 minutes in an hour whatever then reconvene okay now we're gonna do this as a neurocycle I have a whole relationship podcast where I went to in detail of how to actually what to say the guidelines what to say to each step and I mean we can talk about something right I'm curious I love all this and the thing that came up for me is what happens if we want love we want to be in a relationship we want connection we want intimacy but we don't believe we're deserving of love what will happen then such a great great question and it just reminds me as you're talking you're just you know prompting all these clinical experiences I've had um very successful incredible person and just one of those people that could get anything in their life okay just wonderful in every single way thank you and um just could not keep a relationship going or we start off well and everything and at the end of the day the cool issue once this person had worked through was that they didn't deserve love and it came unfortunately a lot of it comes from childhood really and it is it's not everything because you can have a great childhood and really trust in love and then going to really bad first marriage or first relationship how does a person can break you and actually I can give you an example so it can be you can have a great great childhood great parents great model of Love totally but you get into a relationship you fully trust and accept and love someone because that's what you've seen you throw everything so you expect they're going to do the same for you and then it doesn't go your way exactly and then you don't and then that could potentially set you up to think I'm not deserving of love yes especially that happens in your adolescent years 12 to 18 is the most difficult part of the entire human life cycle so and that's we we're interested in forming our relationships that's where romantic relationships are what we desire apocalism friendship based yeah it could be really a thing you live and you can have little boyfriend girlfriend things but it's more just Community Connection deep friendship something starting but those deals or and and you you at that age your relationship with your friends and um potential partners are more a lot more important but are more important than no parenting wow they supersede in terms of relationships yeah the formation of who I am wow so at that stage that's you know so you can have this great Foundation and then you amazing parents no trauma yeah fun all the time peace Harmony sorted it out that the real thing just great parents may have their own messed up lives but took responsibility said sorry did all that stuff right and then you get into a relationship with someone who's broken is attracted to you and you're attracted to them and you swept off your feet either way and their Brokenness is put onto you in your informative years and you get told you're not good enough oh what happens when we believe that you and yeah and and at that stage where you are so like you you're forming yourself you're forming your choice to Identity in terms of others relationships me and the world you know in in terms of um that that Thrive for love so if you told you not if you're never going to get away will you get rejected again down until you get cheated on as a teen how does that how does how does someone overcome that feeling of I'm not deserving of love so that is is a hard one so that to start all of it's hard but is to find um the source so what you what you very often is as an adult and it's very often in the 20s and 30s where you start doing this work and it can happen I'm not saying always I'm not generalizing but very often because that's when you can't get through school and whatever you do and you get into the workspace and you start actually really forming deeper relationships and then you start getting to the point where you're thinking okay well why our friends are getting married you know that everyone around me is in relationships and I'm the only one who's not in a relationship I concept of a relationship what's wrong with me that's when you start seeing those signals patterns that's when you need to sit down and do the work over 63 days and multiple cycles of 63 days and then you could you'll get to the point where you'll see okay what is the route was either a childhood issue or an adolescent issue maybe it was you with a new kid in town and everyone laughed at you because you wore glasses and they just you know said you never you know what you were not so you were too scared to actually show that guy that all that girl that you like them and see what you scared because she was so quiet whatever and that was the source of the this many reasons you know there was this I can tell a story of of someone else who was wonderful kids and it was the only girl three boys cut kind of almost like seemingly perfect hope I mean this would never any perfect whatever right I kind of got it more or less yes than a religious stuff going on there but still but the boys were very sporty and very you know and the father just you know like always that was totally was like a big deal but this was not a sporty little girl but to get the father's recognition this little girl had to be like one of the boys also she thought and so purposefully Jack almost made a soft mirror with the heck on backwards and Peggy clothes tomboy didn't want to feminize and that kind of stuff and didn't want to not that there's anything wrong with it but her objective was not a healthy one it was trying to fit in to be accepted and her perception once we were to the root was well I was never accepted but I never accepted my mouth I thought that I had to be like a boy for my father to love me and that was a huge thing that was so interesting what really triggered that this kid was about five or six already doing this already reading the the real men thinking this was that the answer and they were sitting and some stranger came up they were sitting at some restaurants and this kid was dressed up like one of the boys and someone said oh what a cute little boy and that broker that that was that she's not good enough as a female that even outside people are saying oh I accept you because you're too little wow so that led two years of self-abuse self-hood sexual promiscuity isn't it crazy yeah isn't that crazy that one thing we hear from a friend a siblical yeah a parent an outsider a schoolmate a teacher it could stick with us for decades forever forever now imagine that person could have and this is what triggered me to write the current book that I have on children with all these stories that I can tell that person I remember saying to you if only I had known how to say to my parents and I only loved if I'm a boy I feel sad because you don't seem to love me unless something like a boy or that that man made me sad because that man made me say I've got to be a boy well Daddy do you love me even though I'm a girl that child didn't know how to say that didn't have the language I didn't know the tools so what what I'm trying to create and we know that the mental health situation is is for a multitude of reasons we know the individualistic Society sexual media AI I mean there's odd Generations facing our problems every generation faces the issues every generation thinks what we were saying the previous World probably not we're just facing our unique purpose what we need in this generation with our kids so that they have decent relationships is and it starts with having a decent relationship with himself is we have to have a way of them being able to process and express their feelings so that five-year-old needs to be able to say hey I feel sad or have a point of contact something so you can teach a child a sentence too how to do this my youngest patients in my practice were two and three years of age and you can teach them how to identify these signals detox and and to make it really easy that's what I've done in in the latest book this one how to help your child clean up their mental mess but we created this character I actually created this character 25 years ago I had a Disney artist create this character we had it all I've dated to the book If you flip through you'll see there's multiple images of Brainy this is a character with periodical brain rainy goes through all these different scenarios and it's how you understand how you can teach a child as young as too that these little trees in the brain and how you could change your brain and and how to expression identify your signals all these hard things that we battle with this adults you can teach children very basically as a child so we created a toy so for example let's say you have a two-year-old who is sitting it's um let's say let's take a five or six year old and they're at school day care or whatever I mean a kindergarten and someone constantly comes up and knocks their toy Tower over their building and then next they pull for Healing The Playground now this is a series of teasing going on um and that child most likely has enough talking of another clinical case has been abused at home by terribly terrible physical abuse but it's taking it out on the most vulnerable posts in the playground then that child comes home and takes it out on the most vulnerable person in the family which is the younger brother who's maybe two or three years of age and so now we see a perfect home environment with all the love and dealing with all the issues but this child's now starting to bully the younger child and quite badly so that there's a terrible sibling rivalry where does Milton bullying come from like why do most people start to bully other kids it's um it's a it's a coping mechanism from abuse really so it's one preferable or emotional or sexual or physical abuse yes so it's coming from any level of if you think of a scale of one to ten eight nineteen would be your extreme traumas and persistent bullying that's breaking a person down but fall under that category along any kind of abuse will fall under that sort of category so when bullying is one behavior in amongst those four signals I keep talking about that is um energy that's built up that self-hatred and self-hatred therefore is now blasting out and they're repeating a pattern so bully has been bullied and so it's a persistent pattern that goes through generations they don't know how to process their emotions in a healthy way so this is how they get it out exactly so bully has been abused in some way yes and they've been bullied will have been bullied walking bullied and so they're just taking it out so it's so you can't treat the bully by punishing the bully you've got to actually help resolve water producing the bullying in the first place and so you'd start with a child in your home that's putting the little brother and find out okay well it's now you know I and this is key you need to make a person feel validated because you need to say to their child whether or an adult this is not who you are these behaviors that I'm seeing that are impacting us the rest of the family yourself your friends or whatever this is not who you are I can I know that because I know you are actually I know who you are I love you so in other words you don't you divorce the behavior on the from the person and that's really critical to create that safe space so we're gonna I'm gonna help you work through this this is no judgment but let's talk about this let's talk about how let's you can't hurt your brother or your sister or whatever that's but at the same time I recognize that this is not who you are so you're doing this for a reason so you've got to stop hurting and we're going to put boundaries in place for that but I'm also going to help you understand what's going on and you're going to help me understand and then you take them through a process of a neurocycle you have a contact point so I've created things like toys coloring books that character that if a child is not able to move on us which they're not until they they're old enough to have the neighborhood and even then they don't have the words often but if you if you have a keep contact with or point in your house where you don't like to have a sitting room and you watch TV and that's your place of relaxation you need a mind management place in your home you've got a gym you've got it whatever you need a mind Management Center in your home which could be a beautiful little couch that you were a little bean bag and makes a pretty plant something that you as a family create and choose whenever you go there there's no judgment there's only safety and if someone's sitting there that's they need they needing support to creating that environment and then having you know like a toy like this a young child it's often easier to say oh shame brainy was bullied today and he's so sad and you know so they I see that when he's angry and so you you try and step over transfer that over to the toy then the child can enacts and carried out and show you what's happening and then if divorces are from them directly and it enables them to try and enact that without feeling threatened or scared or externalizing and you can also model for yourself God mommy feel sad today and this happened so you model and you actually walk through the five steps without saying them but you do that and you model so that allows them to have the space Oh Mommy also sometimes gets mad or dead also sometimes but you in that space now that idea of creating a mind management space and we're in your cycle space whatever you want or a brainy space whatever you want to call it and I've got these examples in the book came from a study done in Zimbabwe years ago where I was actually born on therapy and it was a granny on a bench in a tribe in a country that has no money for current modern mental health and actually has better mental health than any westernized country because our current model doesn't make things better it actually makes things worse and the Sciences say to prove that and all that the scroney did Lewis was sit on a beach to create a safe space for people to listen it was so successful that King Kings University in Harvard did a study on it and I heard about this years ago when I was in an early early in my research and I started adapting and applying it in my practice and working with families and sort of setting this up and whatever and so now you don't have to have a bench you can have anything it could be a bench in the flowers that could whatever create that space as a family find it when you've got very young kids you can get little boxes fill them up with pictures that you cut out of all of emotions behaviors perspectives bodily Sensations so when a child comes from school they're quite verbalize or they're just so overwhelmed they go to that corner they pick up rainy or other toys and they can exit out it's safe no matter what they do they no judgment that's a cry for help pull out the picture they can use picture show so you create a sense of communication so that little girl who's there his friend said oh what a cute little boy could have gone to the neurocycle corner whatever you want to call it mind Management Mental Health whatever you want to call it picked up a toy and maybe demonstrated and made brainy cry and then Mommy says well why is brainy you see what I'm saying sure yeah and you start there at two and three by the time you've got a 10 year old they're going to add lessons prepared for the Terrors of adolescents right and I just think challenges yeah I just think learning to process emotions at an early age can help you immensely as an adult I never learned how to process emotions until I was 30. you know I the emotions I processed was anger right and that came out in sports or physical contact or reactions equally energy transferred and once you once I lost the safe environment sports to do that then it's just like oh no I do with this you know so I had to learn over the last decade how to process and and really create a safe space for me to process with me and then with others exactly but if you you know you've been married for 35 years now you've been doing this work for I think almost 40 years is that right this research and size if you could only Share three pieces of advice to yourself before you had kids going back in time or to a couple that's married or about to have kids if you could say three pieces of advice to set their kids up for healthy life and intimacy what would you say around what they need to say or hear or experience as kids to have healthy love as adults I love that question and by the way my eldest daughters due with her first child and her husband has picked me for his child so this is a good kind of conversations we're having and with him well the first thing I would say is to make sure that you understand how to process your own emotions so that's really key and it's one of the first opening statements in this book as well is that it's understand how to manage your own mind obviously I've created the neuroscopic I want to do it another way you can but this is a very scientific way and it's simple anything that you've ever learned any kind of CBT visualization psychodynamic and you give people a lot of tech all of those can fit in because I'm gonna use the vehicle seriously that makes the brain do what it's supposed to do and rewire these toxic things so that first thing is understand how to manage your own mind and your own relationship get that and get that in place practice these things you been talking about and you know make sure that you are in a constant lifestyle of managing yourself and managing a relationship and recognizing the triggers and recognizing where they come from and recognizing that you as a unit such your mother that you're going to please or your father or your family first and foremost it's you too together and your family that you're building and I see this too into my to my daughter and her husband and then the second thing would be create a space in your home that is where your child can do this binge therapy neurocycle mind management get it set up from from Young obviously a newborn baby is not going to respond like that but you know you I'm talking about a child from around about two but you know learn about this make sure that you're an expert and in terms of understanding how to get your mind managed and then you know create that to create that space you can apply that let's say that you're a couple that doesn't want children like my son and his husband they don't want children and maybe they'll change your mind maybe they won't but they need that safe space for themselves even as adults that are like in a partnership and then the third thing okay so working on yourself creating that space where you've got the area where you can safely talk to each other talk to a child your child can express the emotions third thing allow yourself to be a mess tell yourself it's okay to be a mess and follow that up with but I'm going to manage the mess give yourself and give you partner and give your children commission to be a mess in that being a permission to be a mess we then look at how we show up in our emotions and behaviors and so on and looking at life and all that kind of stuff not as news Caroline or you Lewis but as something that's reflecting something I'm going through so I always value you it's okay to be a mess you're going through something I value you so that person's identity is key it's whether it's okay to be a mess coming right if you I work with I have and clinically work with a lot of people they try to die by Suicide and family victims families that have been left behind and the survivors they the key thing there is a relationship itself it's self-hatred and you check back it's coming from all these different things that have attacked this software selfless is utterly critical really what happens if we have a low self-worth before we enter a relationship we're going to um develop patterns that are narcissistic type patterns or people pleasing abandoning ourselves ourselves for one of those kind of bad behaviors that will then exacerbate um self a lot of self-hate can come on him for form cutting oneself and diet controlling which eating here's here's a challenging thing when we see a friend a family member um someone we care about that says negative things in themselves that we see them they're mood Cycles are extreme they could be happy but then in Low Places and like at home for weeks and then maybe even doing things to harm themselves how can a friend a family member actually communicate so they feel heard supported and seen to start improving their life when it seems like it's so hard sometimes to get people to get out of it yeah how can you support and love people that harm themselves so frequently thank you for asking such an important question such an important question because it seems hopeless sometimes it does it seems hopeless and it seems like it's going on forever and it generally will go on for once or years and it's been very very hard on the on on the family when you look at it when you see a loved one of whether it's a family member or a friend going through these ups and downs where they seem okay and even oh thank God they're okay again and then there's this massive dip again so the the thing there's almost like three things that you do there as well the first thing is make sure that you know how to process what you're going through because when you love someone what happens is you absorb the pain and I can't absorb as much as I love my children I can't absorb their pain and you you try and do it as appearance you try and absorb their pain um as much as I love my husband as much as I love my friends as much as I I love you as a friend and I can't absorb what you've gone through because and I'll and I'll try because okay so will you you'll try and you have and all of us have but when you take someone's pain in in the way they are you see them experiencing it you are actually not going to be able to discern so you're taking in something that your body doesn't know how to process because it's not your thing yes then you can't support them you will start breaking because it will create tremendous conflict in you and you're shifting to all kinds of people pleasing at denying of the self and you know and it's it's all kinds of it it becomes chaotic so it's extremely important to understand that that is the issue and for me to be able to help them I need my own oxygen mask on it really is a principle your empathy levels and your ability to support your loved one will increase when you look after yourself it's not selfish and we have this very kind of almost religious philosophy that I've just got to sacrifice and completely deny myself and serve the other and apparently my mother it's very feels natural but it it feels like you should be doing but you cannot help your child if you're broken and if you so worn out so you have to breathing but you have to and you need to be there 24 7. so how can I be there for my kids 24 7. I have to make sure that I'm strong in myself yes and I'm strong with my relationship with Nick then otherwise I'm not going to I'm going to crash and that loved person that person that you love knows that you are the person that they can really get that support from you they see you crashing it makes him feel shame and guilt and then a very negative cycle set up so that's very cheap is don't be scared to look after yourself very important then the next thing is to be and this is the hardest part to just be there for them really it's to be there for them it's to don't try to tell them what to do don't try to give a little advice just because they can't get out of beats in bed with them well I'll put the TV on for them take them food say hey do you want me just to you know walk to the bathroom and take it to the bathroom I can start out the bathroom door so don't don't shame don't coach don't and give advice don't ever say things like when are you gonna get over this also very important have a place where you can go out of the home or out of that place or if they're not living with you whatever but someone that you can talk to a therapist a good friend that you can go and explode you don't mean the words you're going to say all right just got to get it out I can't believe they're doing this what are they doing it's hurting me you need a neurocycle on your oven to need and you're a cycle with someone else you need to go and it could be it could be a friend doesn't have to be a service it can be you know you don't have to be a therapist to help each other right that's the key that's what also what I try and do with my work is Empower people to realize how we had inside of us and when you go to someone at what peer support is so good yes kids are getting great support on social media that are stopping them committing suicide because they're speaking to a peer and they say my parents will find it with them I can't handle if anyone I'm going to kill myself and that peer group is saying to them no don't do that and they supported them through it they I mean there's the power of just listening and saying hey I'm here for you I'll talk just tell me your feelings I don't know how to advise you I'm just I'm the same age as you but you know what I'm here for you that's what you want it's taking a person's hand and literally and give me your hand and saying hey I don't I don't know what you're going through I don't understand I'm here for you yeah and when you're ready to ask me for advice I can try and give you some but anyway so don't give them any advice only when they ask for it and they ask for it what they and and as they're pulling out all these things and let me tell you the parent kids are going to tell you things that they don't mean but they're all coming up from a child's perception of what you do that you didn't mean to do that but that's how they perceived it don't get hurt it's going to be very horrible if you all heard going to the therapist go talk to the friend they're gonna say things to you that you don't know you destroy them contributed to where they are today and you never meant that you've got to be strong enough in yourself to say I'm so sorry even if it requires tears it listening to things they've got to get it out and then and then you're saying things thank you for saying that to me thank you for sharing your heart and I am so sorry thank you for reminding that we need to talk about that let me let me I understood when I put this this is what it did to you this is what I try to meet and you work through it you're doing you're a sucker you look through that process and that trip could mean multiple discussions and they can go up and down they might come back and say things seem to be resolved and then they come back with another thing and you as the parent you as the best friend or you is the loved uncle whatever you are that's close to that person granny or the caregiver these that's the person that generally very often gets the most attack because you're the person it's supposed to fix things and no one can fix them but mainly broken please fix me is the cry coming from someone's heart and we can't fix them and they can get mad at you for not fixing them and that's okay so you've got to be strong enough to handle that well get all these things sorry am I saying all right that's great I love it so I mean if someone feels broken in an intimate relationship are they usually more reactive to the partner if they're not feeling like the partners helping fix them definitely could be they can either be more reactive in that day of verbally more reactive and you know maybe make demands like that all seem crazy whatever um or they could withdraw you know they couldn't go silence and give you the silent treatment and withhold sort of sexual intimacy and you know all kinds of things for kind of kind of to get some level of control right you know these those aspects so yes so it's and as a part that you feel your partner is that has some kind of weird behaviors towards you well that's time to talk and it's time to say Hey listen let's go to that safe space and I noticed this I know this is not you is it something I'm doing or saying is this something that you have triggered or is there something in your life maybe it's not Me Maybe something's happening at work with your mom or your dad or your best friend and you just don't feel that I'm here enough to listen to you shall we are not talking in space or safely so oh man management corner corner whatever you want to call it let's you know let's talk and I see you doing this if I understood you correctly and you know so it's it's show tell a person what you see lovingly kindly in the safe space and so Emma correct have I read the situation correctly am I said correct me if I'm wrong and I see you doing this and I know it's like you is it so you always validate always acknowledge always listen always compassion kindness in love you talk about Wildflower we have got to immersed in love yes and what about when do you believe that the the root of insecurity or jealousy comes from in relationships is that a is that a wound from the past or what makes us insecure or jealous in our current relationship or where does that come from everything that we do that is impacting us negative is coming from something we've experienced everything and so we need to live lifestyles of managing by our reactions so we are very capable of standing back and observing ourselves 24 7 that will be sleeping when you sleep at night but then if you do this during the day you'll night time when you sleep on mind and brain on doing housekeeping and so when we manage our mind well during the day we get really good advice when we sleep we get really good cleaning a good cleaner so it's essential that we live lifestyles of mind management so that we can observe ourselves so if if I for example I've trained myself to do this if I start noticing a certain pattern in my behaviors and I noticed that these may be some jealousy emerging or some Envy I'm very quick to observe it man I'm not saying on the sainted wall from it I'm just saying I've trained myself and I'm proud that I've trained myself and I'm saying it because you can do this yeah and it's not just me there's millions of people now that we reach and I hear this all the time and I saw this in my practice so I'll observe myself I'll watch maybe a snap map because he does something that irritates me and I put so used to being around because you have to either 24 7 that I may just and I'll you know found myself getting irritated or being sarcastic and I'll catch myself and say I'm sorry I was sarcastically you said something in a way I didn't really listen to you you didn't you know so you can train yourself to live lifestyle in other words if I felt the urge of jealousy I will it set forth and into actual someone else let's say maybe it's social media and I see something going on so I'm a friend that's what if jealousy comes wanting what someone else has got we as humans and I've got to get this right we as humans when I support you and I love you and I lift you up and I am building you an unexcited CTP engine inside of every element of your success without one moment of wishing I had that I am going to function at my highest intellectual level I'm going to be the healthiest I am so loving and supporting and lifting you is actually increasing my own intelligence and mind and brain health however we are in a Zeitgeist of if what can I get out of here and if you've got more than me how did you get I need that they may not be saying that to you but that's what's going on in their head that is slowly creating toxic thoughts that are slowly creating a disruption of those microtubule things I spoke about and setting you up for disease and dementias wow big link between in a sense of loneliness which is pretty much a guarantee for leading towards dementias and things so Envy jealousy patterns anger those things it will use you from the inside out so lifting someone up makes you healthier being jealous of someone else so if you are have a trend of jealousy witches for a sink it's okay to be a mess it's okay okay I feel jealousy so what okay I feel it now what why and then goes through the neurocycle find the source and fix it I love this um I feel like we've gone for a long time about this stuff is there anything else that you think people should know about how to end toxic thoughts to get into healthy relationships or relationships in general any other I think what's so important is that we try and M reconnect as communities again and create you know there's a big move and there has been for about 40 years saying that yeah it's great we're talking about mental health we lifting the stigma but if you look at how we've done it we've this the research shows we've created a more a worse stigma really and we've actually created environments where people are talking about mental health in a certain way that leads towards seeing it as an illness in other words seeing you as a broken person now I've either done a party and I'll walk in and say oh I've I've just had this another label I'm now bipolar and this and schizophrenia and blah blah blah everyone at the dinner table is going to kind of be weary and you're not gonna you're going to a job interview and say that would it but if you go to that then and you say you know I just had to look such a rough few weeks and I just seen these patterns in my life and I you know went through this whole sort of exploration and I finally tell you these patterns are all coming from something and whatever how much if you want to ship in other words everyone will lean in and everyone will say hey wow you know this happened to and you and everyone will start sharing stories in this community and support and advice and interaction that's healthy mental health talk whether it's among an adult a child a baby an adolescent child whatever we need that from these shoes that we need to create genuine safe spaces not this oh I haven't met it's okay to say it's an illness like diabetes and that makes the stigma go away and if we can talk about diabetes no one criticizes you if you've got diabetes why do they criticize you if you've got bipolar bipolar doesn't even exist or not please I'm not dishonoring the fact that people have mood swings but if I just say you have bipolar all I've done is reduce something massive in your life that's absolutely huge bigger than this room into just I think a little they are totally invalidated you but if I say oh okay tell me about this bipolar that you say you've got a diagnosis what what do you mean and then you describe a set of behaviors then I would say okay so what you're describing is that you have certain Behavior is going on in your life with these emotions Cycles in your body so if that's the case what's going on let's find out why what's your story what is happening then I've actually tuned in and I've listened to you that's what I'm talking about that's right that's validating a person that's recognizing that person who can't get out of bed for three weeks or four weeks or two years or listening to them what I spoke about earlier on that's the validation right so I'm in an actual saying that all these mental health labels reduce something that's a massive into something that's not massive and put it into a disease lab that's not good we've got to come back to our Humanity we've got to see it's huge if someone's in a panic attack or someone's depressed or someone's got these mood swings or someone's backing to focus or betting to functioning and we need to listen to these stories you sit down and connect and communicate and create safe spaces for extreme trauma which has created extreme Behavior changes that they can't really expect in society very well they need a couple of weeks or months or whatever to just it'll lead to very Healthy Partnerships Carolina I love I love you I love your message I love everything you're doing to help people um if you've enjoyed this make sure to leave a comment of the biggest moment take away uh on YouTube or over on audio as well leave us a comment there if you want more about how to master your mind in relationships and intimacy then leave a comment on YouTube that you want another part two of this episode if you've got kids or you're about to have kids make sure you get this book how to help your child clean up their mental mess a guide to building resilience and managing mental health this will be a game changer for the future of our humanity and if you just feel like you want to overcome stress anxiety or toxic thinking then make sure to get this book as well cleaning up your mental mess five simple scientifically proven steps to do those things so make sure you get a copy of both of these we'll have it linked up follow Caroline everywhere on social media your podcast is amazing your YouTube all these different places that you have where can we best support and serve you is it drleaf.com or where should we all connect with you my social media platform is Dr Caroline Neath and my podcast as you mentioned is the same name as the booktube I love you I love your content you're amazing you spoke at our our someone of greatness last year and it was incredible um and you're just doing so much good for the world so we're so grateful for you your research the science you do everything that you're finding online and really just giving it in Practical terms that we can understand so I always love the analogies I love the props I love everything that just shows us how to simplify the challenges the stresses the overwhelm that we feel whether it be in Life or money or relationships but um again if you guys enjoyed this make sure to comment below if you want to part two on mastering your mind in relationships um I've asked you this question before but I'm gonna ask it again so three truth questions see if it's got a different answer for you this time imagine it's your last day on Earth many years away and for whatever reason you you can't take you can't leave behind any content or this book or any message you've ever put out there it's got to go with you to the next place and you only get to share three pieces of advice three lessons that you would leave with the world but none of this interview is gone this book is gone but you get to share three final things with the world after all the success you have what would you share with those three truths I would say the same thing that I said a moment ago is work ex start maybe with the first one except that you can be a mess and it's okay to work for a new relationship with yourself be the kindness compassion to yourself then give the same to others listen to others you know Works through the process of really listening and supporting and that that's kind of those two kind of winding to each other's into I think those those two kind of encapsulate kind of everything yeah so that would then be true love so it's work on yourself and work on others and that leads to love yeah that's beautiful I want to acknowledge you Caroline I always do you're you're so committed to service and I'm so grateful for you for how you show up uh you know you have a it's it's rare to find someone who is had a healthy long-term relationship who's got four kids that are also working with them and you know have a healthy relationship with them and have a career in service to humanity the way you do so I'm just grateful for you and and I know it's not you're messy in all the areas but uh the way you show up consistently is beautiful and I'm really grateful for you thank you yeah of course it's beautiful back at you too you're amazing and really I have so much higher regard for you I appreciate it love everything you do and you touch all our lives I appreciate it so many ways I appreciate it um again final question what's your definition of greatness I love this question you always ask me someone who actually has a good relationship with themselves but this is the mindset that I have trained myself to come into so I can go into an acute trauma in that I'm still crying I'm still freaking out right but I'm freaking out in this Zone where I now know because I know that I need wisdom I need to be able to tap into that and I cannot get through this chaos if this chaotic brain and body if and mind and this

Channel: Lewis Howes

Views: 315,161

Keywords: Lewis Howes, Lewis Howes interview, school of greatness, self help, self improvement, self development, personal development, success habits, success, wealth, motivation, inspiration, inspirational video, motivational video, success principles, millionaire success habits, how to become successful, success motivation

Id: aD94Le4Wh2c

Length: 84min 33sec (5073 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 09 2023