[Channel Teaser] How The Sniveling Cowards Left Me, A Paladin
to Die This story was submitted by Philip. Thank you! Being a level 1 adventurer in Pathfinder is
never easy. At any moment, even the smallest little screw
up can turn you into goblin food, leaving your dreams of becoming a legendary hero completely
in the dust. Sometimes bad dice rolls are the culprit,
and other times the DM just has it out for you. However, I’m here today to share with you
all an epic series of events that occurred during one of my older sessions with a bunch
of level 1 characters. At the time, the party consisted of an elf
ranger, a tiefling rogue, a human wizard, a dwarf inquisitor, and myself as a suli paladin. Our group had recently been offered the task
of climbing up a mountain in order to eliminate a kobold infestation that dwelled within the
abandoned mines somewhere near the peak. Being a bunch of level 1 adventurers, and
desperate for gold to boot, we decided to take the job and prepare ourselves accordingly. We purchased some spelunking gear and managed
to acquire a few potions, and after checking our supply of food and water, we finally started
our journey and made our way up the mountain. Thankfully, reaching the mines proved to be
rather easy since all we had to do was follow the mountain trail up to the peak. The weather was clear and sunny, and the path
was easily wide enough to accommodate a large horse or two medium-sized characters. When the DM asked for marching order, the
rogue and I decided to take point while our wizard followed behind us, and our ranger
and inquisitor brought up the rear. I figured that since I had the highest hit
points as well as the best charisma, taking the lead was probably a good idea if the party
ever decided to take a more diplomatic approach or if they just needed a tough body to tank
some extra damage. For the first few minutes up the trail nothing
eventful happened, as most of us took this time to talk amongst the group and flesh out
our characters. However, after making it about half-way up
the mountain, the DM suddenly called for perception checks, which admittedly had me slightly concerned
since perception was not exactly something that my paladin excelled at. Five dice rolls later and we all quickly discovered
that the entire party may as well have been sleep-walking up this mountain, since none
of us managed to make the DC 10 perception check needed to notice the large stone boulder
rolling down the hill about 30 feet above us. Predictably, the boulder ended up slamming
into myself, the rogue, and the wizard, which instantly caused our DM to ask for reflex
saves. Thankfully the rogue and I managed to roll
well, but our wizard friend was not so lucky. And after the DM ended up rolling damage which
resulted in a whopping 10 points on a failed save, our wizard was promptly knocked unconscious
while the rogue and I only took half that amount of damage. Things were not going well. To make matters worse, the DM then asked myself
and the rogue which direction we rolled when we made our saves. Our options were to roll forward further along
the path, or to roll backwards towards the party. The rogue opted to take the roll backwards,
hoping to stay in range of our inquisitor in order to get healed. I, on the other hand, decided to take a more
aggressive approach and roll forward instead, as I figured that there really was not much
difference in either option to begin with. Oh, how wrong I was! As soon as I moved my character further up
the path, the DM then asked me to make ANOTHER reflex save as the ground beneath my feet
suddenly gave way. After failing my save to try and grab the
edge, I ended up taking an additional 4 points of falling damage from falling 10 feet down
into a damn pit. At this point, I was reminded with startling
clarity why I hated kobolds so much, for while the little bastards were not very hard to
kill, their obsessive love for traps made them especially annoying. Speaking of kobolds, our DM asked the party
with the exception of myself and the unconscious wizard of course to make another set of perception
checks. Thankfully this time around, our ranger and
rogue managed to roll pretty well, but to our surprise, we still were not able to notice
the two little kobolds entrenched on a ledge nearly 30 feet above us which was obviously
where the boulder had come from. One surprise round later and our ranger was
now sporting two small arrows stuck in his shoulder, bringing him down to about half
health as well. At this point, the DM FINALLY asked us to
roll for initiative and we all prepared for battle. Now, I would like to take a moment and remind
everyone that before this fight EVEN started, our wizard was already unconscious and dying,
our rogue and ranger were both at half health, the enemy was in an entrenched position about
30 feet above us, and I was stuck in a 10-foot-deep hole with about a quarter of my health left. The only one sitting pretty was our dwarven
inquisitor, and given the current state of the party, it was clear that he was going
to have his hands full just keeping us alive. Fortunately, or rather by the grace of the
dice Gods, our ranger actually managed to act first in combat, and after pulling out
his bow and taking a shot at the kobolds, rolling a 10 on his attack -- no less -- we
soon discovered that a small creature with natural armor, a high dexterity, and entrenched
behind cover was a VERY hard target to hit. The arrow just barely missed the damn things,
and after doing some quick calculations in our heads, we realized that these kobolds
were probably sporting an AC of around 16. This essentially meant that our ranger had
about a 50% chance of hitting the little monsters, while our rogue and myself had about a 40%
chance of success. Not that I could actually hit anything in
my position of course, since I was currently still trapped in this godforsaken hole. Our rogue was up next in combat, and rather
than pulling out his short bow and taking a shot, he decided instead to run up the mountain
path in order to engage the kobolds in melee combat. Now, in all fairness, this was not a terrible
idea since it would only take him about 2 rounds of running to reach their position
and the only thing standing in his way was the six-foot-wide hole that I was currently
stuck in. After taking a quick moment to get a running
start, the rogue dashed forward and prepared to jump the hole… rolling a natural 1 on
his acrobatics check. Yup. A natural 1. To add insult to injury, the rogue then proceeded
to fail his reflex save in order to grab the side of the ledge, and after tumbling down
the hole and nearly falling on me, he ended up taking the maximum amount of 6 falling
damage and knocked himself out cold. At this point, I wanted to cry. Our inquisitor was up next, and as you might
imagine, he pretty much used his turn to draw his longbow before casting ‘Cure Light Wounds’
on our wizard and as luck would have it, he ended up healing him for an incredible 3 points
of damage… just barely enough to get him back on his feet. The kobolds went next, and although the first
one ended up missing his shot, the second one managed to land another hit on our ranger,
reducing him to about a third of his health. When it came time for me to go, I briefly
considered kicking the stupid rogue for screwing up the simple task of jumping over a hole,
but since I was playing a ‘good-guy’, I decided to take a more noble approach and
retrieve one of my ‘Cure Light Wounds’ potions and stuff it down his throat. After healing him for a massive 4 points of
damage, I begrudgingly ended my turn and waited for the wizard to go. Our wizard spent his entire turn getting up
to his feet before running back down the hill. Apparently, when a spellcaster only has 2
hit points left, they really don’t like the idea of engaging anyone in combat anymore. Who knew? In our next round of combat, our ranger promptly
fired another arrow at one of the little kobolds, and after making yet another miraculous miss,
he did the only thing that a courageous adventurer in the heat of combat could possibly do: he
started running down the mountain as well. Cowardness, as it seems, is a very contagious
disease. The rogue was up next, and after spending
a move action to get back to his feet, he quickly made a climb check to scramble out
of the hole. At this point, I half expected him to screw
this up as well, but to my surprise, he actually rolled well enough to climb completely out. With his turn finally finished, our inquisitor,
who was pretty much the only party member left who had any semblance of a spine, decided
to move towards our rogue and heal him up as well. Unfortunately, the kobolds were up next, and
these little bastards were out for blood. After training their eyes on our unsuspecting
rogue, the kobolds promptly shot their arrows directly into his chest, knocking him out
again and nearly killing him in the process. Oh joy… Now that it was my turn to act, I figured
that my first priority was to try and make it out of this damn hole. However, seeing as how I am a paladin with
no ranks in climb, I knew that crawling out was going to be a pretty tall order. On the plus side, my suli was rocking an impressive
18 strength, so I knew there was a pretty good chance that I could succeed either way. On my first climb check, I rolled a 2 and
made no progress. Alright, fine. Fair enough. I’ll just use a second move action and try
it again. For my second climb check, I rolled a 3. This mountain had clearly been cursed by all
the Lords of Hell. As you might imagine, our wizard predictably
spent his entire turn running down the mountain at breakneck speed, for he had clearly left
his family jewels somewhere back in town and was now off to go find them. On the following round, our ranger, obviously
inspired by our wizard’s display of heroism, decided to engage in a race to see who could
get down the mountain quicker and claim the title of ‘Biggest Coward’ first. Meanwhile, our rogue spent his entire turn
trying not to die, although to his credit, he did manage to stabilize himself after rolling
an 18 on his constitution check. Still, at this point, it probably did not
matter since the kobolds were now completely free to attack us at their leisure. With the rogue being unconscious and me being
stuck in a hole, the only person left who could fight was our dwarven inquisitor, and
he was basically spending his turns acting as a medic. Realizing that our chances of survival were
quickly running out, I decided to bite the bullet and do the only thing that a noble
paladin could do in a situation like this. “Just take the tiefling and go,” I yelled. “Don’t worry about me. I just need some time to drink a few potions
and then I will follow right behind you.” Our inquisitor, who I swear was one of the
most fearless badasses that the dwarven race could ever produce, reluctantly agreed and
proceeded to spend his turn picking up the rogue’s body and heading down the mountain,
although not before shouting back at me to ‘Hurry up or I’ll come back up this mountain
and introduce my foot to your colon’. At that moment, I silently vowed that if I
made it out of this alive, I’d definitely be buying that dwarf a very expensive drink. The kobolds were up next, but rather than
attempting to shoot at the retreating inquisitor, the DM politely informed me that it was my
turn once again. In that moment, I realized that the kobolds
were probably readying their actions to shoot at me as soon as I climbed out of this pit. With that in mind, I decided to spend my turn
drinking down my last potion of ‘Cure Light Wounds’ which thankfully healed me back
to full after rolling an 8 on the dice. From there, I told the DM that my character
had no intention of climbing out of the hole just yet, as I instead pulled out a javelin
and prepared to ready an action to throw it at the first kobold that came into view. The DM then asked me how long I was willing
to wait, and I figured that about ten minutes would be enough to do the trick. After all, the kobolds could not shoot me
from their current position, which meant that they needed to come in closer in order to
inspect the hole. And as soon as they did, I would make them
regret it. After waiting for about 5 minutes of in-game
time, my patience was finally rewarded as a kobold slowly approached the hole and peaked
its head over the side. “DIE FOUL CREATURE!!!” I roared in a mighty voice, as I activated
my ‘Smite Evil’ ability before hurling my javelin with righteous fury straight into
the mouth of that ugly little monster. I managed to hit it, and as an added bonus,
I even rolled max damage on the attack, killing the damn kobold in a single blow. “Who’s next!” I yelled out, as I retrieved another javelin
and prepared to throw it again. To my surprise though, rather than rolling
for initiative, my challenge was swiftly answered by a loud commanding voice coming from somewhere
near the top of the pit. “That will be enough of that,” a kobold
stated in common, in a tone that practically oozed with arrogance and pride. “Come on out of there and we ‘might’
let you live.” Not seeing much choice in the matter and wanting
to get out of the hole anyway, I decided to take the kobold up on his offer as I proceeded
to roll my climb check and crawl out of the pit. This time I rolled well enough to actually
do it. However, as soon as I reached the top, I quickly
discovered that my character was now well and truly screwed. Rather than facing down a single kobold archer,
I was now staring down the barrel of six kobold warriors armed with longbows who surrounded
a regal-looking kobold wearing an expensive looking purple cloak. “Well damn,” I groaned, as I calmly pulled
myself up to my feet. The regal-looking kobold merely smiled at
me, as his minions continued to point their arrows directly at my chest. “I suggest you surrender,” the arrogant
kobold said. “Disarm yourself and remove your armor,
and I might just consider showing you mercy.” At this point, I realized that this was probably
the DM’s way of giving my character a chance to survive. However, as much as I wanted to take it, I
knew that submitting to my enemy simply was not an option. I was a paladin after all, a holy warrior
of righteousness, and I would be damned if I would let this kobold take me as his prisoner. And so, after muttering a quick prayer to
my God, I decided to roll an intimidate check while delivering an epic speech. “Hear me now, you wicked abomination, for
I swear that as long as I have breath in my lungs I will never surrender to you. I am a champion of the righteous, and defender
of the weak, and I shall allow no evil to live so long as I have the strength to fight
it. So do your worst, you degenerate excuse for
a dragon, for I promise that your day of judgement is very close at hand!” After rolling a 14, I was pretty sure the
kobold immediately pissed itself; yet despite my success, the damn thing still managed to
utter out one final command. “Kill him!” the kobold screamed in draconic,
its voice clearly shaken from my fearsome and empowered speech. Unfortunately, when it came time to roll for
initiative, the dice Gods still refused to show me any love, as I ended up rolling a
6 and going last in combat. I realized that this outcome was pretty much
a death sentence since there was almost no way for me to survive an entire round of enemy
attacks, and I was also pretty sure that the arrogant kobold was a spellcaster to boot. Still, there was nothing I could do now but
sit back and watch as the kobolds aimed their bows and unleashed their attacks. One by one the arrows found their mark, and
after four successful hits, my paladin was left standing with only 3 hit points left. Now it was finally time for the arrogant kobold
to finish me off for good, and as he slowly raised his hand and muttered some arcane gibberish,
my character was suddenly enveloped in a torrent of magical fire. The kobold had apparently cast the spell ‘Burning
Hands’, and after rolling for damage, my paladin ended up taking 14 points of fire
damage. Either way, I was dead. Or rather, I ‘would’ have been dead, had
the DM not forgotten one very important fact: sulis have energy resistance. In fact, sulis have energy resistance 5 against
acid, cold, electricity, and fire attacks, and as it just so happens, I also took a trait
that increased all of my energy resistances by 2. Therefore, after making a successful reflex
save, my paladin ended up taking no damage at all from the kobold’s mighty spell. Needless to say, both the kobolds and the
DM were at a total loss for words, and now it was finally my turn to act in combat as
well. For the briefest of moments, I idly considered
turning on my heels and racing down the mountain, as I realized that there was still a chance
for me to make a grand escape. However, I quickly dismissed that idea and
focused my sights on the arrogant kobold leader instead, knowing that it was now or never
to strike the final blow. As I drew my greatsword, I decided to offer
up one final prayer in the form of a popular paladin quote that I found on the internet,
and while I always imagined that I would end up using this quote in a much more epic fight,
I figured that if was going to die, I might as well die with these words upon my lips. And so, with that in mind, I offered up this
prayer: “Blade with whom I have lived, blade with
whom I now die, serve right and justice one last time, seek one last heart of evil, still
one last life of pain, cut well old friend, and then farewell.” With a roar of defiance, I raised up my sword
and charged the kobold leader, while at the same time using my swift action to activate
my ‘Elemental Assault’ ability which was essentially a once per day ability that allowed
a suli to envelop their weapon in an elemental energy of their choice for one round, adding
1d6 points of extra damage to their attacks. With my sword now blazing, wreathed in fire,
I rolled my attack dice and hoped for the best. And no, before you ask, I did not roll a natural
20… but I did end up rolling a 19 instead and for a greatsword, that meant that I threatened
a critical hit. After rolling to confirm and adding up the
dice, the final result had me dealing an insane 34 points of damage, which basically meant
that I eviscerated the kobold sorcerer with a single strike! For the second time during that session, both
the kobolds and the DM were stunned into silence. I can only imagine how frightening my paladin
must have looked to the other kobolds as I finished cleaving their leader in half. After all, here was an enemy who had survived
being hit by a boulder, falling into a pit, tanking a hail of arrows, and shrugging off
a torrent of magical fire… only to eventually slay their leader with just a single swing
of his sword. As you might imagine, those little kobolds
were absolutely terrified of me. “You will all die!” I yelled at the top of my lungs, to which
the kobolds instantly responded by dropping their weapons and screaming in terror, before
racing back up the mountain as fast as their little legs would carry them. The DM then asked me if I wished to pursue
them, to which I simply shook my head and let out a sigh of relief. I did it. I actually did it. Despite all the odds, I managed to survive. After taking a few moments to gather up the
loot, my paladin slowly walked his way back down the mountain and immediately made a beeline
directly to the local tavern. Upon entering the establishment, I quickly
spotted the rest of my party tending to their wounds and gathering up their equipment. They were all currently in the process of
mounting some sort of rescue mission in the hopes of saving my life. Of course, upon seeing me walking through
the door, my body riddled with wounds, they all stopped and stared in astonishment as
I took a seat at the table. “Go and get me a healer,” I said, pointing
at the ranger, before turning my attention over to the wizard and addressing him in a
commanding tone. “And you… buy me a drink.” From there, my gaze slowly shifted over to
the dwarf, and my voice quickly softened as a smile
formed on my lips. “And you my friend, please take a seat and
let me buy you a drink, and I will tell you an epic tale of how a lowly paladin managed
to defeat a mighty kobold sorcerer.” Needless to say, the story I told him was
an epic one indeed. Cowards! A party adventures together and dies together. Would you have turned and run or would you
have made a final stand? And how miraculous was that fight? Please let us know and comment below! Don’t forget to subscribe to our channel,
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