Narcissistic Parents Behaviors that Cause Deep-Rooted LONELINESS

hey hi everybody I want to talk about how being an adult child of a narcissist and the behavior that we have experienced growing up turns into painful loneliness as a child and as an adult and give you some pointers and resources about dealing with that first of all an adult child or a child of a narcissist of course lacks emotional support narcissists are not supportive why are they not supportive because they're thinking about themselves and they may be abusive they may be mean critical Moody thinking of their image all of those things which makes for nurturance uh just not happen and so as a result we grow up the children grow up with a very little self-esteem and have very little emotional resilience we're not very resilient when we come to I didn't say we weren't strong I'm just saying emotionally resilient there's a difference I think acons are very strong people um they just struggle with what happens on the from the neck on down the inside of them and also we are concerned about having had created in us as a result of this lack of emotional support unworthiness well if you add a lack of emotional resilience an unhealthy sense of self and unworthiness that's going to make for quite a bit of loneliness for us as children and as adults second of all invisibility and neglect in narcissistic families children are invisible and neglected there may be golden children there may be mascots there may be unseen or invisible kids uh Lost Child there are all kinds of roles of course in narcissistic families but there is still invisibility and neglect for the inner real child the inner real person they're treated as they are a role and so we don't get that very strong being seen and also being nurtured and what happens we become invisible and unimportant and then what happens we feel lonely number three is emotional manipulation if you are being emotionally manipulated which so often narcissists will do to everyone in the family because everyone must behave in a certain way to be accepted or at least conditionally accepted by the narcissist and I do use the word conditionally because it can always be pulled at any moment and it's not based on the relationship it's based on performance so it's not I accept you because I love you I accept you because you're doing what I want you to do right now and you're behaving the way I want you to behave for me now I will give you a little acceptance so with this emotional manipulation we end up having lots of self-doubt and if you have self-doubt a lot of self-doubt and I remember having tons of self-doubt how are you going to connect with other people how are you not going to feel lonely and I remember so many times even when I was in a position of leadership and people were wanting to be friends with me or wanting to be close with me I couldn't do it because I had too much self-doubt and I had to keep that image going and that just that self-doubt just keeps me locked up in a prison of loneliness then of course narcissistic families or parents will also have a problem with lack of boundaries boundaries are just trampled on boundaries are not taught boundaries are not respected and so if we don't have that going on in the family guess what I'm going to feel as a kid autonomy isn't going to be taught and individuality isn't going to be taught and self-differentiation isn't going to be taught or valued none of these things are going to be valued and when you don't have autonomy individuality or some self-differentiation you may have a lot of people around you you may have an audience you may have some friendships but oftentimes we still have a profound loneliness one of the things I want to stop here mention real quick down in the description below check out the online program your new road to self that's a program I have available for you and there are some perks that go along with that second of all there's a training that's totally free you can sign up for it 84 minutes building the self you were never allowed to have both of these programs would help you in overcoming these things that I'm talking about and also reducing that feeling of loneliness which is very powerful and painful I don't know if you remember Phyllis Diller if some some of you are my age you might remember who she is she was a comedian and she also was a concert pianist and I want a position to be able to be an opening act for her when she performed there were a lot of people there she was pretty well known at the time she had had her own TV show and things like that again I wasn't a celebrity she was and I remember sitting up in the audience with her mother and I didn't know it was her mother but her mother was mouthing all of her jokes with her I thought how does she know all these things and then found out it was her mother and even in the midst of all of that sort of celebrity feeling very lonely feeling very isolated that even with all of those Good Vibes I couldn't kick this feeling of loneliness when it should have been a great day of success and joy and and I was able to uh sing and perform and such before a celebrity did come on and so again being in a large position large crowd having lots of people doesn't mean you're not going to feel lonely loneliness is that ache that we feel about not being connected to other people in a real way and a lack of boundaries growing up again destroys that autonomy individuality and self-differentiation number five role reversal so many times in narcissistic homes there are role reversals where the child becomes a caretaker the child gets parentified what's going to happen if you become a parentified or caretaking child does that set you up for having age-appropriate friendships and relationships no it it harms that is actually what it does and so we may have trouble developing relationships that are age-appropriate with peers and connecting with others on a deeper level because we're spending all this time being an adult for an adult and so again loneliness occurs we haven't we're not able free to have those kind of relationships number six fear of Abandonment narcissistic parents May actively discourage or undermine their children's relationships in other words if you go off and go have good relationships with other kids or your aunt or your cousins then I feel jealous and then there's a fear of Abandonment I may withdraw from you to get you back in line and so I'm pulling you by our fear of Abandonment to not make those connections and soothe that loneliness and so we end up being reluctant to express our feelings and to seek connections I don't know how many adults including myself I remember doing a whole workshop on friendship for singles just doing friendship and I realized how much I didn't know about relationships and just having friendships not even a partner not even a wow for a spouse a lot of information out there like on that but how do you be a friend uh how do you do that I I didn't know and began to learn more about that so I could seek connection with other people but it was very painful and the loneliness is very painful seven isolation from supportive relationships if you're in a narcissistic family have narcissistic parents then they're going to want to keep you close to the nest don't be getting into a relationship in other words narcissistic parents do not like to share influence so they don't want you to form those relationships with maybe healthier extended family members or neighbors or friends uh school mates and they will even you know kind of threaten not even necessarily in words but you'll notice they'll start to to withdraw from you if you do that they'll often discourage you know well they're not our family they don't understand us uh they're bad people when really they're not bad people but to the narcissists they're bad people because they would expose The Narcissist so then they're bad I've even known a people where when the kids started getting they were going to a church when the kids started getting close to other kids and the pastor and it was such a positive influence the family left because the narcissistic parents could not deal with that they needed to keep their children isolated and this wasn't an isolated type of church and they would just go because they can't have that eight internalization of narcissistic traits children raised in narcissistic families might internalize some of the narcissistic behaviors and attitudes that they witnessed because it's just so modeled in that way this can lead to difficulties in forming genuine you know fulfilling relationships as these traits can hinder you know emotional intimacy let's say they're a child of a narcissist but they're an adult they're in a relationship but because of what they saw and believed and were taught they're going I'm the head of the house I'm the man and you need to be submissive to me because that's what the Bible says does that hurt intimacy and again we can talk about the whole Theology of that whole and I'm not really here to talk about all the verses and the I'm just saying how the Bible is used because the Bible can be quoted by anybody and I believe from my pastoral training even from Satan even by Satan himself so the Bible can be quoted for any number of things but we're in that narcissistic learn Behavior then they use that as kind of a but it's about me so you need to be submissive wife because I'm the head of the house that's kind of a narcissistic kind of use of the Bible because they saw that growing up whereas after they have more recovery then that's not as much of an issue for them number nine narcissists demand the spotlight from children what does that do when the narcissist demands to be in the spotlight from their children then the children don't learn to self-soothe and if you don't know how to self-soothe guess what's going to happen you're going to feel a lot of loneliness if you cannot self-soothe narcissistic parents or families don't teach kids how to self-soothe that's just not a part of the the package and if you don't learn how to self-soothe and I think this is where a lot of times even couples who are raising small children even like toddlers well we even do it for infants their times healthily we may let them cry a little bit so they can learn some self-soothing so I'm not jumping in there and being a helicopter parent the same is true for a toddler sometimes toddlers need to just be upset until they can decide to soothe themselves and go oh well I'm I'm now no longer upset Mom and Dad have left me with the sitter I see this truck I'm gonna go play with that's self-soothing and we must learn that as we grow up because it's going to make us healthier when we get older and again I'm not saying don't nurture kids don't take care of kids I I'm not saying that at all but I'm saying be careful about the swing of the pendulum and being a you know that a parent who never lets her child cry ever about anything a parent who who always is extremely soothing you know if you're extremely anything it's probably problematic because life is about balance that's what true life and human existence is about it's about balance to be healthy just like in how the body functions if the body function functioning the labs the I've just had some medical things that you know labs and things if they're extreme then we got some problems too low too high you know we want it in the normal range and that's and that's what we want in our relationships with others so again if we don't learn self-soothing then we're going to be hurting with regard to loneliness I have some videos on loneliness and the difference between loneliness and aloneness I think a lot of these things are addressed in my online program I hope you'll take a look at that Please Subscribe please like and please comment and uh I want to thank you for watching have a good day and be wise

Channel: Jerry Wise

Views: 234,217

Keywords: gerry wise, loneliness narcissim, loneliness narcissist

Id: XNicx7QDjqQ

Length: 15min 24sec (924 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 08 2023