What happens to the scapegoat in adulthood?

i'm going to start this video with a question how many of you were the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system because if you were then this video really is for you really going to break down today talking about that idea of the family role a person has and today we're going to talk about the scapegoat what happens to the scapegoats when they get to adulthood we're going to talk about the good and the bad of that because it's not all bad it's not all good so let's take that on and those of you who are scapegoats in your family system please drop in the comments your thoughts about how being the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system affected you as an adult and then let's see hopefully this video addresses some of that because this is a question people have say yep great i knew i was a scapegoat as a kid but then the question is then like is you really ever do you ever wonder what happens to the scapegoat when they grow up and that's what i'm hoping to be able to answer today family roles are so important to understand because it can really set us up to understand what happens to us in terms of our roles in adult relationships all of you know the family roles if you've been listening to me and so much of my work in this area around this has been to describe these roles and help people understand familial narcissistic abuse and how it affects them in adult relationships and in adult roles so i want to start with the type that our many surveys that we've done across seminars and whatnot have shown to be probably what's the most common family role in the narcissistic family system and that's the scapegoat the scapegoat is the person that gets the wrath of the narcissistic parent or parents or other narcissistic extended family members they are the ones that bear the brunt of the gaslighting the invalidation the rage they're blamed for everything and scapegoats often have a childhood characterized by walking every day on eggshells so again as you think about if this is you what are the things that you experienced in childhood and i as this series slowly unfolds over time i know many of you identify with more than one type we'll talk about how those different types may affect you in adulthood so let's talk about what happens to the scapegoat the scapegoated child in the family system is the most likely to have the most significant mental health impacts of childhood remember this is an entire childhood that has been pockmarked by manipulation rage emotional abuse and perhaps also physical and other forms of abuse by being gaslighted and all of this can result in a wide spectrum of issues in adulthood including patterns that we observe in complex ptsd anxiety depression as well as a chronic state of living in self-doubt self-blame major impacts on self-esteem difficulties with decision-making and a daily mantra of feeling not good enough there can also be long-term decisional or behavioral outcomes and these can include things like maladaptive coping as we call it and those maladaptive coping is just bad coping like using substances to cope or other dysregulated behaviors like using food to cope using shopping using gambling any of that and most pointedly having difficulties in adult relationships and choosing partners who replicate the invalidation cycle of childhood choosing partners who recapitulate all of your mantras about not being enough in addition scapegoats tend to sell themselves short throughout their lives they may not fully pursue educational or professional goals still hearing their narcissistic parents voice in their heads oh come on who do you think you are really do you really think you can do that okay let's see how you do with that that contemptuous disregard for your goals what i see most often for the scapegoat is the eternal cycle of unhealthy relationships trying to work through the dysfunction of the childhood relationships through the adult relationships instead of understanding clearly that that original family system the family of origin or that the people in it were narcissistic and to recognize that it's not your fault that these people are not going to change and most importantly that you did deserve better some people don't get that lesson or understanding until much later in life having survived horrible adult relationships and often painful expensive divorces physically or emotionally abusive relationships and constantly blaming themselves because that to me is the most painful legacy the scapegoat often carries self-blame another issue that scapegoated people from narcissistic family systems can face is that in many cases they may actually get stuck in their family of origin they may get caught up in the narrative of hope that the family will change or they will internalize the manipulation and guilt and keep feeling responsible for their family of origin and so they may get fully stuck in the system never feeling that they can go cast out on their own and find their own path in life and get away from the toxicity and they may also forever feel responsible for this manipulative system that is all too happy to keep the scapegoat in their place and not allow them to become their full selves but all is not lost i really believe the scapegoat has very real gifts and these gifts if they can be dusted off and really regarded can be a critical part of healing foremost amongst these gifts is that people who are in the scapegoat role are very empathic now as a sidebar i will say that there is unfortunately a small group of scapegoats whose personalities did get badly shaped by the post-trauma of the chronic psychological abuse of a narcissistic family and in those cases we could see a pattern that looks more like covert narcissism so i do think there's a subset of scapegoats who go on to narcissism but in the vast majority there is a deep empathy sometimes too much empathy maybe that is because as a child they had a rich fantasy life around how they had hoped to be treated maybe it's inherent in the child who was a scapegoat because they were temperamentally empathic and so that almost made them an easier target for the narcissistic parent because that scapegoated child being empathic would be less likely to fight back people who had and who have that scapegoat role are often very almost too solicitous and concerned about the needs of others which may have been a learned behavior that they acquired to try to be safe in childhood always serving the narcissistic parents needs to avoid abuse and keep the family system a little bit peaceful and always putting other people's needs before their own which is not surprising because they were often raised to do that as children however in a healthy relationship that warmth and that that empathy and awareness of others actually can be a gift that scapegoated children may actually develop in adulthood and there's another gift i really do see that scapegoated people have although in order to access this gift you often need a really good course of therapy with a therapist who actually understands trauma and narcissistic abuse one day whether it is to protect the child in themselves who was never protected or whether it is because they actually enter a scapegoated person actually enters a healthy relationship in adulthood and recognizes what healthy love looks like and experiences it and even supported by their partner feels safer to set a boundary or whether it's therapy and a therapist saying what happened to you in childhood was not okay and you are not to blame or whether it's that that scapegoated person just hits that wall and says enough whatever it is people who are in that scapegoated role can actually become quite good at going no contact or at least setting really really firm boundaries and no longer engaging with their family of origin looking back on all the hurt and pain they feel like i don't know these people anything in fact my goal for scapegoated people is to really understand they understand the dynamics of narcissism especially in long-term relationships and to recognize that it does not change and especially when you find yourself in a scapegoated role that they will see you as only that not only as supply but as a punching bag too i really really hope for scapegoats to recognize that they have always been more than enough and that the constant manipulations of childhood were a projection by a psychologically stunted parent who projected their own inadequacies and insecurities onto their children once you fully truly understand that kind of shrugging your shoulders and either ending contact or at the very least minimizing contact and engagement to an extreme degree starts to feel easy because frankly once the people who had these scapegoated roles can shrug them off and maybe even gain meaning and purpose from the suffering of these roles they really become our rock stars they can become champions of the oppressed they can become advocates they bring tremendous empathy into the room and they can often be really great bully slayers and if people who are one scapegoat can trust their guts as adults they can actually be the best red flag detectors in the room i recognize that people who had a scapegoated role have really really been through and it can have quite been quite traumatic and that these patterns in childhood can impact social and emotional development through the lifespan as well as attachment and mental health but i've said it before gonna say it again in the words of the great poet rumi the wound is where the light enters you and in this way anyone who has a history of having been scapegoated is often just brimming forth with light pay forward the empathy that you never got from your family i promise you it will pay dividends just make sure you steer clear of the narcissists who are all too happy to snatch away that empathy and keep you in a scapegoated role so for those of you who had that scapegoated role in in childhood i hope this actually is consistent with your experience if you have had other experiences that would be great to hear but it is it was a wretched role to have as a child and i will say another important issue to remember about people who had that scapegoated role in childhood they often go on to become tremendous parents because many people who were scapegoats in childhood vow that if they ever do get to be a parent they will never do this to their own children they can often be quite fiercely protective of their children but it is absolutely essential that if you were in the scapegoated role as childhood that you do at some point get access to mental health services the scars the trauma the negative self thoughts all of that can really have a dangerous impact on mental health in adulthood and it's so important to have a safe space to talk about that with the therapist who gets it with the goal of ensuring that you don't replicate these cycles in adulthood that you don't slide off into a place where you take on a more victimized role and that you can step into adult roles informed with empathy and grace that come from having done some of your hardest yards when you were in childhood i hope this was helpful thanks again

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 1,121,821

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: GjWR5WlYWVM

Length: 12min 24sec (744 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 30 2021