My wife wanted an open marriage but changed her mind when I started seeing someone

my wife and i have been married for 15 years we have two children a 14 year old girl and a 12 year old boy about a year and a half ago my wife came to me asking for an open marriage she said she was bored with just us and wanted to experience more i was very against this as i'm a strong believer that marriage is between two people at the same time when we got married i'd had five s partners and my wife had only been with me she made it clear that either we opened things up or she was prepared to file for divorce neither of us wanted that so i agreed under certain conditions nobody brought back to the house we don't talk about partners the kids don't know family doesn't know all partners are tested ahead of time nobody that we both know etc i had a strong suspicion that my wife had someone in mind and this was confirmed when 24 hours after we agreed she went out and didn't return until 4am it was difficult for me to accept and i was really not okay with it but i wanted to save my marriage last may i met amber our daughters are in marching band together amber is divorced and has no interest in getting married again like everyone else in the world she does have needs so five months after opening up the marriage i began sleeping with amber at first it felt like cheating but honestly it's nice to have something no strings when neither of us wants it to proceed forward over time i became comfortable with the idea that my wife and i would be able to get our needs met both inside and outside of our marriage it actually made our s life a lot more passionate and we were much happier my wife and her side guy who i never met stopped seeing each other in april amid cv from what i gather while he's in an open marriage his wife is not aware and it was too hard to get away in may we helped organize a zoom concert for the band kids which turned out great though my wife met amber for the first time well i guess amber has been open with a few of the moms because it got back to my wife that amber was my outside partner my wife informed me that as we both know amber i needed to end things with her i refused citing the fact that neither of us knew her ahead of time and the meeting did not violate the rules we established throughout the past month she's numerous times told me that she's uncomfortable with me continuing to sleep with amber and i need to conclude the arrangement note that she was fine for a year where she was with her partner this weekend she came to me and stated that she'd like to close our marriage again i told her i was open to that as long as we agreed that it would remain closed moving forward she agreed that's what she wants as well that she doesn't need to have any more partners that she's happy with just me i told her that we could agree to close the marriage onto conditions the first i laid out above the second i wanted her to sign a document waving spousal support in the event of divorce she flipped out she categorically refused to even consider that my wife is a stay-at-home mom and has not worked since we got married she said that i could keep seeing amber and leave her with nothing if she signed that i told her that i'd be willing to include a list of mutually agreed upon situations including infidelity on my part where the agreement would be void she says it's not open for discussion that she's not going to continue to be cheated on and left with nothing when i decide to leave her for amber i pointed out that this whole thing was her idea and that i only went along with it to preserve our marriage she says that if we don't close the marriage up then it might as well be over i told her that i'm not going to tolerate being threatened with divorce every time she doesn't get away she says i'm being dramatic and i need to focus on us should i agree without stipulations i know there's no future with amber as we've both agreed it's purely physical and even though i know i'm standing my ground i feel like i'm blowing up my marriage over a dead end at the same time i don't believe it's about amber at all update so based on what some of you have said here this morning i called amber up reminded her that we were supposed to keep things discreet and asked who she shared the details of our liaison with she denied telling anyone and i didn't get the feeling she was lying i pulled up my wife's google timeline history and discovered that she tracked me to amber's house in april she followed me and then deliberately introduced herself to amber to create a conflict here i was thinking she actually wanted to get involved in banned parents but no she just wanted to try to end things with my outside partner i don't even know what to do at this point now on to the last month it's been a very tough month i confronted my wife about the stalking she denied it at first and then i brought up her location history she attempted to deflect claiming i invaded her privacy but i didn't take the bait finally she admitted that she didn't like that i had someone on the side when she didn't and a mom at the school felt too close to home i agreed that i would end things with amber if she would agree to counseling close the marriage up permanently and start looking for a job to help with household expenses she replied that she's a stay-at-home mom i told her it was something we could reverse it after cv is over but when things normalize she can't just stay home we did a few therapy sessions and things went well at first the therapist challenged her on why she had followed me asked why she felt she had to go outside the marriage and had her address pretty much everything going through my mind then things went south she admitted her outside partner with someone from her past a high school boyfriend they'd broken up before anything happened and had reconnected she regretted not going all the way with him in high school and decided that she wanted to fulfill that desire i was pee i told her that if me choosing a mom from school was too close to home then her choosing a married ex-boyfriend was completely unacceptable i told her i didn't even want to look at her i checked into a hotel to go cool off because i didn't want my kids to see me like that i stayed there for a few days and then decided to go home and deal with what was left of my marriage when i got home i found that my daughter was being unusually cold to me even for a 14 year old girl she was very dismissive when i asked her what was going on she went off on me for cheating on mom with a band mom i asked her where she heard this she wouldn't tell me at first telling me it didn't matter but then finally admitted her mother told her that i was staying at my girlfriend's house after i left i counted to 10 in my head told her it wasn't true showed her the receipt on my phone for the hotel and told her that her mother and i had a fight and i decided to take some time away so we could both calm down she cried a lot and i promised her that i loved her and i'd always love her i did my best to remain calm though i was burning up inside i didn't even go to my wife i went on facebook and found the guy's wife i sent her a message letting her know that for a year and a half her husband had been having an affair with my wife and i'd be happy to send her any proof she'd like she was very appreciative and had suspected something was up a few hours later my wife came to me in a rage screaming that i had violated the confidentiality of our therapy and ruined the guy's life i asked her what she meant to do by telling our daughter that i had a girlfriend she denied doing it and still refuses to admit that she told her anything other than i was away for a few days this went down last thursday we haven't spoken to each other since we are supposed to have another counseling session tomorrow though i don't know if it's even worth going i keep catching her in lies and i don't think i'll ever be able to trust her again i know that filing for divorce is the wise choice at this point but i feel sick thinking about it i feel like a failure because i couldn't make my marriage work i know that's where it's going to end up i just feel like i'm going to throw up every time i try to call an attorney for the past five years i have worked at a beach resort i'm doing this while attending college so i mainly work part-time year-round and full-time on summer break summer also happens to be wedding season so that and the fact that we are located in a very popular town it means that we have about six bachelorette parties a week all the way into october the first time this happened was my first full summer i was working beachside at night and a group of women were walking around and looked a bit too drunk one of them came up to me and asked if i wanted to help them out i agreed and asked what was it that they needed one of the women asked if i could give the bride to be a lap dance i was shy and said i can't do that because if anyone sees i would get fired the woman said that she would give me fifty dollars if i follow them to their suite and give her a lap dance there after a little convincing and a few more dollars i agreed they told me they call me when they were ready when i entered their suite they were sitting on the couches and a chair was in the middle i was incredibly nervous but when they handed me 200 in cash i knew it would be worth it i'm not super ripped but i do have a swimmer's body the dance started to get a little handsy and i started to get a b the bride-to-be told her friends that she could feel my e and they all started chanting to pull it out she asked me if she could pull it out and i said okay and before i knew it i was getting paid to receive head when i told her i was going to finish she dared another friend to take it i don't remember what her friend looked like but what i can remember was that she had a wedding ring on when i left their sweet i remember this immense feeling of guilt i felt like a huge piece of sh when i got back i talked to a friend of mine that bartended there he told me it's not rare to see the brides to be or bridesmaids hooking up with the attractive staff he said it wasn't common but it wasn't that rare he called over one of the lifeguards on his off time and we talked about it looking back i now realize how sleazy that guy was but he ended up convincing me that i wasn't enough for doing what i did they ended up letting me in on their game of seeing how many faithful women they could corrupt i started to play their game and it was really fun to see how easy it was for someone to cheat i only played their game for the first three years working there and only slept with a total of 30 women in relationships six of them were brides to be in the other friends or women on an all girls vacation who either had boyfriends or husbands now i have been dating a girl i met in college we have been together for almost two years and she her sister and a couple of girlfriends are going to travel to another country together since they might not be able to do this after graduating i really love this girl and i trust she would never do something like cheating but the loving way that some of the women talked about their husbands hours before they cheated has really distorted my views on love they went from how lucky they were to have of them or how much they missed them when i would ask them why they cheated some would say that the only reason was because their partner would never find out i regret everything and the guilt is killing me i sometimes just want to break up with her so she can be single on her trip and it wouldn't be cheating if she did anything every time she goes somewhere without me i get anxious i would never force her to not do something just because i'm worried i feel like i deserve whatever happens in my relationships i went out of my way to sleep with women who were in relationships and now i have to worry that the woman i'm with won't do the same [Music] you

Channel: Ask a lawyer

Views: 192,667

Rating: 4.8899636 out of 5

Keywords: reddit girl, reddit man, reddit wife, reddit marriage, reddit, r/ girl, r wife, r/ marriage, r/, askreddit girl, askreddit man, askreddit wife, askreddit marriage, askreddit, open marriage

Id: jmN8-gNHl70

Length: 12min 41sec (761 seconds)

Published: Sat Aug 08 2020