My Wife Spends Money Like Crazy!

[Music] adam is with us in toronto hey adam welcome to the ramsey show hey how you doing dave good man what's up oh nothing no i shouldn't say nothing quite a bit but just a little bit of a recap back in 2016 my wife and i did as you say stupid with zeros on the end of it uh spent a lot and 2017 paid off about 65 000 bucks of debt in 11 months and i never did end up getting down for a debt-free screen but anyway um fast forward now in the last i guess a couple years colbert has kind of destroyed my industry that i'm a pilot and in canada here it really took a bad hit it's just kind of recovering now and uh so with the stress that that kind of brought about which brought some marriage issues along with it and uh life is in a really uh bad spot right now i guess we both kind of are and um is not sure if she wants to work on the marriage or what she wants to do and we're kind of in this stalemate but in the resulting aftermath is that she's decided that she's going to spend however she wants to spend and kind of go back to you know she's saying we make too much money there's no way i should have to have any restraint and so uh kind of spending about oh i'd say about two thousand dollars a month over what we make and as a result of kind of depleted our emergency fund almost down to nothing she signed up for an elective surgery to the tune of about ten thousand dollars and one kind of questions on the timing of it she just said well i'm either either we fund it somehow through us or i'm just gonna look at my whole credit card do it myself and uh and so but every time i bring up finances to her to uh to talk about it uh she says you're obsessed with money you've got to stop being so obsessed i'm trying to just bring her to the reality that we're spending more than we make and we're kind of gradually bankrupting the family you know it's got four young children and trying to you know put money aside for them as well and retirement now that we're kind of both kind of getting back on our feet we do make good money but the reality is we're just spending way too much and she has no desire to even talk about it she'll still involve me every time i try to bring it up and i'm worried that i'm going to tip her over the edge in the marriage if i talk too much about finances but if i you're my marriage well that's the thing if i i feel like i'm kind of giving the drunk a drink you didn't hear me you didn't hear me your marriage is already gone yeah well i mean she does give indications that she doesn't want to make it worse no she does that no she does not right no no no no she doesn't people that do the things and say the things that she's doing have no desire for this marriage to continue yeah when you say things like if you don't go if you don't uh pay for this ten thousand dollar i'm just gonna put it on a credit card screw you you don't have a vote this is not a marriage this is not someone that has a marriage anymore that wants to work at all and so what i would do if i were in your shoes is the two of you would say i'm going to go see a marriage counselor and it's either going to be with you on how we learn to get back on the same page and we have a future together that's going to include us both being grown-ups um and if you want to go with that that's fine if not the marriage counselor is going to instruct me on how to bring this marriage to an end yeah we have done some counseling and it did have trying to get her to come back to it is the hard part and she's very reluctant yeah you're begging her to do stuff then she you know and she has no desire she's obstinate she's angry and she's done she's done the marriage is over uh i mean it's tough to say that because she does see that she still does she wants she's lying what she says is not what she's doing and so that's the problem yeah and again people that want their marriage to work do not behave the way that she is behaving yes i would agree okay so she's lying yes elective surgery for ten thousand dollars when you're broke and the family's in financial stress that's so selfish and asinine i can't even put words to it yeah i know that's that's kind of my thought too it just is it's a fact it's not an opinion it's that that is her screaming in your face that she's done yeah yeah i know i don't really like to think of it that way obviously because it's not a nice outcome for anybody and this is this mess and i think i'm not sure you did it i think you're just the one that's going to admit it yeah now i would agree with you going back a couple months that she was done and however she's had some influential people in her life in the last months or two that have helped bring her around her attitude has changed well then that would involve you guys getting in a good getting with a good marriage counselor immediately yes but then she needs to turn into action yes and she has admitted that that is an option i i did confront her about it about a couple weeks ago and she has i said this is what i want to do i had some referrals for focus on the family and she said yes that is an option and so i'm just kind of trying to not push her because she doesn't know i am going to pressure no you don't understand it's time to push her it's time to push you the house is on fire it's burning down around you get out of the house push somebody yeah i am i definitely am i'm bringing stuff up fairly regularly but you know kind of teetering on the edge of not wanting to push her over one side to get her her emotional side to engage i want to honey what you think is being nice is not nice you think you're you think you can beg and be sweet and cause this to happen and it's i'm not asking you to be mean to her but you're acting like that you can beg her into wanting to do this she has to stand up square her shoulders and say i'm going to re-engage in this marriage and re-engage as two adults on how to run our household and she has to do that under the heading of a therapist and the two of you learn to work together again you cannot expect her to behave yes i agree with that totally it's you know i i can't change her she has to decide to do it it's a matter of you know we're trying to get you know obviously lots of prayer and other friends of influence you have to get around her absolutely change her heart absolutely what dave's saying is this is an emergency i'm just saying you guys need to be sitting with a counselor and and she needs to be going and if she's not going then we need to know what that we need to admit what that says okay but all this there is not a financial technique that's a problem here the financial problems in the financial spending are all about her obstinance and you trying to talk talk your way around it to where it's all somehow okay it's not okay it's not okay it doesn't work that way and so if uh whitney uh decided to start just start telling george what she was gonna do george would have a thing have a thing you know here's what we're gonna do i don't tell sharon what to do shane tell me what to do we sit down we talk about like two adults we devise a plan on how we're gonna do the calendar how we're gonna do the budget how we're gonna live our life we work together towards common goals this is called a quality relationship in your marriage uh but when people start throwing it around they're just like i'm gonna do whatever i want to do and they get the all head bobbin thing going and you shouldn't have got married then it's you know you you've got a mess on your hands and you've got to go back and try to try to learn how to be married and that takes both people and you can't beg someone to behave you cannot control someone else's behavior your behavior is the only thing you can control and you put in a situation to go if you do this then you're choosing to opt out if you do this you're choosing to opt in but i can't make you choose that's the only thing you can do is present options to her but this idea of i'm going to let her be go run our family and bankrupt us so that by being nice and letting her do stupid butt stuff that's going to ruin our family then that and causes her to go to counseling that's that's a that's a false narrative that doesn't work that's if the auspices for her going to counseling is so that is because she got bribed by you you're putting up with a bunch of crap then that no that is not how you start rebuilding this thing so now you guys need you desperately both of you need to sit in the counseling counselor's room immediately or you're not going to make it and the spending stuff is just i'm not we're not going i'm not going along with it and if you don't like it i'm just part of what we can talk to the counselor about or it's part of what we can talk to the divorce judge about one of the two it's one of the two but i'm not going along with this because it's not right and i'm not suggesting you leave today i'm suggesting that the two of you get into the counselor's office four years ago but right now for sure it's only best option best time to plant an oak tree ten years ago next best time is today oh yeah that's a great quote she sees him as basically a doormat at this point because she knows well i'm just gonna do what i want he's not going to tell me off yeah he's not going to have the conflict you have to stop being scared that you're going to cause the marriage to end by pushing by pushing the marriage to succeed that's that that's that is not going to work it's not going to work you're going to end up nowhere but bankruptcy court and divorce court at the same time oh man sorry so sorry what a horrible thing you're going through i sure hope she comes around i hope the two of you get in counseling and i hope it saves your marriage but you know you participating in crazy is not going to make crazy go away

Channel: The Ramsey Show - Highlights

Views: 159,266

Keywords: the dave ramsey show, budget money debt cash, real estate, insurance, how to make money, dave ramsey, save, credit card, compound interest, buying house, buy, snowball, My Wife Spends Money Like Crazy!

Id: iDutzu3PDT8

Length: 9min 27sec (567 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 15 2022