My Muslim Heart: Dating Outside My Faith (Dating Documentary) | Real Stories

foreign [Music] and I would like to know from you today would you mind if your son or daughter married someone from oh no a different religion perhaps you were that person who married someone who is not of your faith or perhaps didn't even have a faith and how did that play out why did you do it with the easier route have been just to Simply say it's not going to work after all what Asian hasn't hasn't been in a situation where they've just walked away from a potential husband or wife once finding out that they are of a faith that means that it would never go anywhere the bravest of the Brave or is it those who are rejecting their culture and their roots to do so I did feel really guilty the fact that I liked him and I thought oh God I'm actually I've got feelings for someone who I really shouldn't have feelings for I'm wasting me up every day from there on once we've made was kind of like every day I couldn't get enough of him he couldn't get enough of me for me as a as a preacher as a Muslim Theologian and jurist when I see the reality on the ground it really shakes me I can stand on the pulpit and tell the worshipers that this is the law the Muslim woman cannot marry a non-muslim man but at the same time I know the reality on the ground that it is happening the challenge for Muslim in today's world is how to hold on to the sense of the Sacred and religion but also live in the modern world [Music] [Music] Colchester was predominantly white and middle class um I won't lie growing up I didn't feel like I had much exposure to other Asians I could count on my fingers how many Asian families were around here my parents are from Lahore in Pakistan my dad came over in 1950 my mum came over in 1973. I never really saw myself as Asian or white or British or anything I was just what I was it's almost when I had you know a chance to be a bit more independent growing up I'd say around sort of 15 16 that I started to question things around me and I did start to feel different my parents are from India were Gujarati Muslims we lived in a predominantly Jewish area at home my parents would expect me to do the traditional Indian thing housework and all of that would be more important than the homework religion was an important part I'd have to pray although they weren't like forceful or anything but they always reminded me of my roots and what's important and that this life is just temporary [Music] I'm the eldest of five we grew up in Northwest London my parents are from Morocco we go to Morocco every year we used to go for six weeks grandparents from both sides that was my favorite time of my whole life I'm able to connect with them Rock inside and connect with the British side the Muslim side and makes me me as a growing teenager I didn't have any freedom I knew like I wasn't losing my virginity until I get married I wasn't to go out drinking so growing up I had my boundaries and I knew what not to do so they'll be having parties and I just knew not to ask just because I would never be able to go anyway when you kind of grow up in a culture that is foreign to your parents culture you almost feel like you have to overcompensate so I grew up thinking I was never Pakistani enough I was never anything like my cousins back home so I always felt like I was in the back foot so I had some kind of guilt inwardly about how how Muslim or how Asian I was the challenges faced by Muslim parents are the same as those of any parents you know I do to give your children a good education and equip them for life skills but the specific issue which Muslims face in terms of integration discrimination increasing islamophobia in the Western World those are extra challenges and burdens Place almost impaired it's a difficult to navigate but of course parents do their best Britain is a free liberal Society where individual freedoms are really championed and they should be and as we raise our families in this Society we are facing challenges which perhaps our fathers our forefathers never even envisaged or had to face themselves they've got their tunnel vision that this is the way it is you know they've got their whole plan when their daughter was born that you know she's going to have an arranged marriage just as they did but I don't think they took into consideration the fact that they're bringing me up here in London you know with such a multi-cultural Society they'd expect me to help out in the shop they'd expect me to help out at home you know the time that I had coursework and things that's when I sort of started realizing that I want to do well at school and what was the point of all this education if they're not willing to help me out by just giving me a break from cooking to parties or whatever in the evening I noticed a shift certainly in my dad um when he expected me all of a sudden as soon as I sort of started college and it was the mixed you know environment he was like no you need to cover your hair my friends were like oh my God what are you doing but I'd just take it off afterwards and I remember one time my dad came to check up on me at college and some of my friends thought oh God you know that you need to put your get your head scarf on your dad's about you know so I had all of that even if I had say like cousins who were boys even then he would be protective saying oh no you know what are you guys all playing upstairs for come play downstairs you'd want to keep he was that protective so I suppose because of the fact that he didn't want me mixing with um any guy I don't know whether that sort of had a sort of rebellious effect on me I was a very good girl growing up didn't do anything extremely wrong I was kind of testing my borderlines testing my boundaries but a very good girl because I used to come home cook clean do my homework go to school the next day sometimes I bunked but hey I was growing up [Music] I remember going to Morocco on a holiday I was um 15 in Morocco second day there or the third day I think it was a third morning I woke up and I get all these guests in the house and I just thought oh my God they're asking if my hand in marriage is so obvious they come with all these presents and food and me and her feed and my other cousin just sat in the room we wouldn't come out because we knew it was one of us one of us was going to be sold today [Music] when they were asking my hand in marriage and they were saying that I do know what I knew the very moment that was happening and I knew right up to the end it wasn't Secret oh my life my life I was begging I was crying in front of the mum's face without the Dad's face in fact all their brothers and sisters no he drinks no I'm not living in Morocco and no he's not coming to England I was being all right I was being immature I was being I was doing on purpose I was making such sin someone that says well you're going shopping tomorrow for a ring and I've done and a wedding dress anyway I went shopping and I was saying I want them night trainers want that top and I was being really English and I was being as English as possible I want their high heels I want them I want that nail varnish I was being hoping that they would see that they're going to marry a Didier his dad and my dad are brothers so marrying a cousin even was even more of torture to me I just thought that's wrong when I came out for my holidays in September oh I kept it a big secret I was so hurt you know I I stopped being my playful happy go like yourself and then another girl turned up and sat there crying one day we both quotes together about being married I found out she was married as well it was not not a happy place after that I'd go to school knowing that I've got a husband it's really kind of shameful took four years to recover from that I'm trying to get the divorce trying to get over the emotional value I felt no value in myself that my parents had sold me so cheap saw me so quick like seriously what did I do to deserve such an ugly filthy smelly man [Music] when I turn Ed 1920 and my University years I felt I felt I suddenly had to switch roles a little bit because I think the when the subject of marriage became more apparent as I grew up I think that's where I realized a level of Conformity may be asked of me I became less westernized I wore the shawarchemies I started cooking I became a little bit more observant and part of that happened because I met someone who was Pakistani and Muslim so I work in investment banking who was also working in the city so I felt like we had some commonality in terms of our work our social lives our religion our background I felt like I was making everyone happy and so for me to see my parents happy my community happy and I think for all intents and purposes be for being seen to be doing the right thing culturally it made me happy um so I didn't see a conflict I think that happened later on because I got more involved in my career I had more ties to it I was enjoying it I was getting more involved with people at work he wanted me to give up work he started to judge My Lifestyle a little bit at that point I I you know qualified I'd done a number of exams my career was going from strength to strength so I kind of started to feel the friction between my two Lifestyles the dutiful girlfriend slash fiance then my uh day job as a banker so I think the cracks were appearing after that first night I just went I literally did start rebelling I I was not able to listen to them seeing what they done to me I wasn't listening that's where my stubborn years actually did happen because that's when I was doing my own thing I thought I've got a divorce now I'm married and divorce you said when you're married divorced you can do whatever you want well here I am I'm married I'm divorced I do whatever I want so I would come back late 11 o'clock which was late to them um I'm getting a few beatings here and there because I was not listening but do you know what I was rebelling even more it got a little bit uh the cycle got even more Twisted because the more I rebelled the more harder they become be enforced into her first marriage did speed up the process of trying to find my own husband it was kind of like I have to find my own husband before I get forced into another failed marriage when I did call it a day I knew it wasn't right for me I felt immense guilt I'd let everyone down how I describe him was the person I would have thought my parents had in mind for me growing up um he had everything that I would have thought on paper that they wanted so I felt incredibly guilty I'm quite sensitive and I think when you grow up in a dual culture you are sensitive about offending your parents so yeah there was a lot of friction and I suppose for a few years after I broke up with my ex I went clubbing was out in London every single night drank dated inappropriate men dated men from not from my culture not from my religious background but that wasn't just me letting off steam you know I'll fully admit part of it was I mean I'd just been in a very constrained relationship you know I was trying to find out who I was but part of me wanted to know why these things were seen as being so bad I hadn't even had a glass of wine until 2008 but before that I was feminently anti-alcohol incredibly judgmental but then you know it occurred to me well how can I judge something I haven't tried just to see what was out there and I think that's just part of growing up as well it wasn't some kind of crusade to go against my upbringing I just wanted to live life and I wanted to be sure that next time I was with someone in a serious way I wasn't thinking what if I wasn't thinking is this the life for me is this something else I haven't tried you know I just didn't want to be with someone because I was told that was the right person to be with thank you I think that's an interesting thing this one piece will make 52 layers watch on mobile devices or the big screen all for free no subscription or fire [Music] it was it was love at first sight the way I see it was love at first sight I thought this is too good to be true and he thought he I was too good to be true my parents were never aware while I was dating him while I was on the phone to him while I was thinking of him they would not have a clue I wanted to scream it out like Mama there's this guy and I like him and he likes me and I think I love him foreign 16 so we were friends we were going to some birthday party he was going to be there and I needed some help because I couldn't skate and he was like impressing me with his skating so sort of went round and was skating about with him and I just sort of knew straight away at the moment we sort of got talking that I liked him and I think he felt the same and I remember when I got home my dad was like where have you been and I just made out that I was doing work at College I couldn't say that I'd been where I'd been it was all very hush-hush it was just me and him that knew about it and that was all just to protect me and the fact that it would just sort of um ruin my life at that stage I met Craig through one of my bestest friends who's also a musician she sang on his album which was amazing and I'd heard it and I thought this was fantastic and he came down to Colchester because I think she sensed we'd have some kind of commonality and I really wasn't looking for anyone at that time I'll be honest with you I don't think I was looking for a relationship for a very long time after my ex-fiancee I was very relationship phobic we had a conversation hit it off and it really was instantaneous this felt this felt real it felt human when I was with Anthony the guilt would disappear everything's all right you always feel a bit stronger when you're with someone that you love and you're having a good time you kind of forget all your worries and all the pressure that you have at home but literally the moment I step through the door it's like too it's like a double life I did feel torn really torn between the two just walking down the street we'd have so many looks from people like what kind of girl are you it was that kind of look um like I'm bringing disrespect to my family and you know dishonor if you like to my family but I wasn't really bothered I was strong enough to deal with that you know the main guilt that I had was towards my faith really the fact that I was doing something that I shouldn't be doing but then you know I I also had in the back of my mind if I meant to be with this guy then I will be with this guy you know and that's part of my faith as well [Music] foreign part of the laws of Islam say that a man and a woman can only be intimate and together physically if they are married to each other and therefore we don't have what why the society might have in terms of having boyfriends and girlfriends having a relationship before one was married to their partner and as a result when it comes to marriage within Muslim families it's very much a family affair it's not so much about the individual the traditional schools of sharia throughout history have generally allowed men to marry outside the faith especially Jewish and Christian women or women of the book but generally Muslim women were not allowed to marry outside the faith that has been the traditional rule for for 14 centuries marriage has been described as half of your faith All That Remains now is for them to support each other for the rest of their lives in strengthening their relationship with God when you have such a system in place um and you find a young person then suddenly uh wants to get married but is doing things very differently to how it's done it can cause challenges sometimes friction [Music] no it's daytime and they took me to the back and my mum asked me if I've been doing anything I shouldn't have been doing and I said No and then I knew straight away that this is you know they know something or someone's told them something I couldn't understand what how she would have found out because I was quite careful then she said that she found some letters when she was tidying up in my bag and who is this Anthony she was really um really angry really sort of vicious saying what the hell do you think you're playing at and I wouldn't I would denying everything at first denying everything and I think they threatened me with like a broom they had a broom there and they said if you don't tell us we're gonna beat you with this so which they didn't but they did use it as a sort of talk like we will beat you if you don't tell us the truth so I told them that yes I've been seeing and then they just my mum goes I used to hold my head up so high you're such a good daughter and you're nothing now [Music] one day my excuses did run out and that's when I got caught I got caught in them in Wembley Market I had ice cream on my nose where he bent down to lick the ice from off my nose or maybe he kissed me I saw my mum behind him and I couldn't breathe I stopped breathing I think I really stopped breathing it was you know what I'd rather be taken by the police once I said I was in love with him that was it [Music] I mean people thought we were selling things there was a crowd of people because I did I got a slap when I was there and because there was not much compared to the what was to come that was actually minor I I had to now lie to the outside world of why I looked the way I did you know I wasn't Wishful no more and oh [Music] I could have actually had a better life if they didn't make me twist and lie and make every corner um far easier than being at home see I stopped wanting to be at home because of their Silly Ways and um it was nothing really I was doing so it's nothing so big all I did was fall in love all I did was grow breasts and all I did was grow up [Music] I was crucified for being in love for a good three months I don't go out don't see anyone and have my phone taken off me no more college no more work no more nothing it became home and home and just stay at home [Music] I felt genuinely sorry that I'd upset my parents but nothing no matter how many stories I said they they asked me to stop seeing him and I said no I don't think I will stop seeing him and then they just said right you're not going college at all anymore you're going to start working in the shop until the day you get married So eventually I got to a point where I thought I can't stay here anymore they don't love me they don't care I'm just literally their slave if you like so I just rung up my friend one day and I said and I knew my parents were going to be out and I just thought right I've got 10 minutes to get my stuff I don't know 10-15 minutes to get my stuff together I'm just going and then Anthony found out where I was and then convinced me to come home it was all it was all really stressful I came home and I said well I need to go to college I can't work in the shop I'm not going to have an arranged marriage and I want to marry Anthony at some point and they said things would be different but they weren't they weren't most parents tend to be overprotective maybe rightly so and I can understand that on several levels one is the first level which any responsible mother or father will feel their duty to God and the requirement to follow God's law and then you have this societal and social pressures of your family your extend family friends and Neighbors in most cases it is seen as a bad thing for the parents that oh dear your son your daughter is seeing somebody that they're not married to or somebody who's not Muslim so there are all these all these pressures he was really fearful of my dad just for my stories he was panicked and I kept telling him the only way we're going to be together is is if we get married and he'll say no no I can't get married I can't do it and I think for one week the longest week of my life then we broke up was it four days something like on them lines it felt like a week it was four days and he says what have I got to do I can't live without you traditionally Muslim women were not allowed to marry inside the faith so what's been happening for the last 30 40 years in Britain is where Muslim women did want to marry somebody who's not Muslim it would automatically assume that he has to convert to Islam that's the only way she can get married to him and certainly throughout the 70s 80s and 90s that's what generally happened he met my dad and he says are you willing to convert and he says yes I'm willing to convert we went to a mosque and we done shaheda and he's a very Catholic boy I mean so Catholic he would do his Catholic thing before eating he would do his Catholic thing before anything he would do Eastern lent I mean I didn't know much but I I got taught more from him so for him to be such a strong Catholic and he changed and the reason why he did is he did say that we believe in exactly the same thing there's only a few little differences and he he really did see it as a right religion so it took a man and a half to have to do what he did that was when I got married that was the second stage of my life and I wish I didn't do it so quick and I saw they married me off in three months flat it took me two years to come out to my mum about Greg actually because I feel like I didn't want to rock the boat till I knew myself that it was going somewhere there was no need to drop this bombshell if it was just going to be a fly-by-night relationship um or something that was just not gonna work so I felt like I owed it to myself and I owed it to Greg to give the relationship a good go before I started bringing other people into it and also I know if I was to bring it up very early on I know my mum would have impressed the importance of marriage early on because from her point of view people don't necessarily date for such a long time so you know there would have been pressure on us from day one to get married fairly quickly and I wanted to give the relationship a fair go my real appeal to young people would be you have every right to find happiness for yourselves in your lives to find a person that you can be married to but in your own mind for yourself with your relationship with God you should try your best to make the right choices if you're going to go ahead and marry someone that you really really love but your life is going to be filled with challenges from your parents from this from that from the other it's a life of turmoil so please don't make nasty decisions don't rush to make a decision [Music] when I got married I expected my life to obviously dramatically change and it had you see I had a new job New Life a new a new house and the freedom that I had I could go wherever I wanted when I wanted it wasn't that I was chasing no one was chasing just to be happy and Arabic how is it just a piece and I could never take I couldn't find the peace I couldn't find the peace whatsoever you know I'd go to bed and I was with the man that I wanted I was in the house that I wanted I had the job that I wanted but I wasn't at peace and I know why that came down to that came down to two people and that was my side of my my life my mum and my dad and they made one promise and they killed that promise for everyone we will never ever come to your house we will never visit you you have made your grave now live in it or die in it we don't care well my mom before we used to talk quite quite a bit and you know I'd spend time cooking with her in the kitchen this has gone on since I was young so we've had that time together every day in the kitchen where I'd be helping my mum for an hour plus sometimes before I used to be able to confide in her and tell her everything but this very one thing that's the one thing I couldn't talk about that really upset me and I'm sure it upset my mum because she felt that she'd lost me too at the time I thought how can she be so cold or not you know it's very upset you know upset me a lot then I'd sort of withdrew and I felt like anything I would say would be wrong so I didn't open up I didn't have anyone to talk to the conflict of my mum I wouldn't say we were fighting every day it was almost like a quiet disapproval at times I think that's the hardest thing to deal with when you do already have a level of guilt anyway for not conforming to what your parents want and then she'd bring up the Quran and you know a Muslim girl cannot marry a non-muslim man or you know aspects such as those and I think it wasn't that I hated her for it it was more okay so I felt like we're almost drifting apart for two people that used to be so close there came a point where it was just too much for me the lying and trying to sneak out so I did actually tell my mum that you know Anthony was someone I wanted to marry and stuff and they agreed to sort of meet him this was probably two years into our relationship Anthony came to the shop and they had this sort of meeting if you like in the shop and they did actually like him but then my dad was going to like um a gathering a Muslim Gathering that evening and I think my dad was trying to test him or either push him away or something he said oh you know if you're really interested in converting then come with me so he went and Anthony just remembers just sitting there in silence and it was a bit much for him and then the next day when I actually spoke to Anthony I was kind of excited thinking oh that went well but then Anthony was just like he just found it all too much and he said that he doesn't think that he'd be able to convert so that we went backwards a back step from there and that's when my mum and dad thought hold on he's just completely backed off he doesn't want to know now I just remember one time my mum was really quite cross saying I never want you to see him again and she made me sort of swear on the Quran and you're not really meant to do that but I think that they were at a point where they just couldn't take it either that they um they ended up you know they ended up saying you know just swear that you'll never see him and at that point I was I knew I was forced to do that and they made me touch the Quran and swear over that I would never do that and I just remember going running upstairs to my bedroom and closing the door and crying my eyes out and praying like a lot I know that I'm gonna see him again so forgive me for this forgive me for what I've what I've just done we were completely on our own and we had we struggled a lot we argued a lot we blamed each other a lot for certain things I lost a lot of weight I was very very very skinny sleep properly I was always worried I always felt panicked so it's not a really nice feeling because I felt alone side of the family also rejected me they thought your boyfriend and girlfriend and they were like why is your girlfriend always sleeping over why is your girlfriend always sleeping over and he didn't want to say she's my wife [Music] foreign s didn't know about me because he was just scared to tell them because he went behind their back as well maybe they were a little bit frightened because that was it's all new to them as well you know my culture and it's what you're used to isn't it I thought that maybe he wasn't that serious possibly over me as I was over him we carried on seeing each other but there came a point where you know four years down the line I think I just thought where am I going with this and we used to have lots of sort of arguments over that and I used to say that I'd go through so much for you just trying to get out and you don't appreciate the fact that what I've just been through to just literally climb over my dad and walk over him as he's lying their thing but you know if fatty please don't go and and I'd be like no I'm going and I it got to that stage where I would just literally disobey my parents [Music] one day I had enough they were like you think you're married you liar so I bought a wedding photo you went there it is did I make this up and that was it there was silence the biggest Silence Of My Life he said to me like the same as your dad is with you is exactly what I'm gonna be under it's that kind of attack and I said to him well you have to tell them and he did he said we've been married now for three years oh the the horror on their faces I got the biggest lecture from his mum you know you're now in a quasi girl and you're going to do things my way and you're married into our family which means you're gonna become one of us and you've married into my oh my God and I was like I cannot be serious I said I've been doing this for the past four years they're just as strong as us in in background in language in culture and traditions they I think are even tougher I mean Moroccan versus Nigeria for me is is full force so he had it just as hard it was two big battles we had big fights and this was before even the baby turned up you know and then when the baby turned up that was that was where it was torture that was even worse it became the biggest fight of all because it was like she will be named Duff and then the other side would be no she would be named this and that who's deciding my child I mean you decided my marriage you've decided my life you're not going to decide my baby's life too enough so she's got like four names just to please everybody [Music] I was seeing Anthony for four years before I got to a stage where I said that I could no longer continue seeing him if we didn't have a future we sort of ended it which seemed really odd after all that stress of four years and constant battling so I went home I just said find find me a uh I think I was through with love or whatever and I just said to um my parents just find me someone and they did so I got engaged to a nice guy I knew that I was making my parents happy but I wasn't happy and I was doing that because I thought I couldn't be with Anthony [Music] it was only a few days after I got engaged and Snee told his parents and within that time he tells me that he was he'd stopped eating and he just he just looked really sort of ill and his parents actually asked him what was wrong and that's when he sort of broke down and said um to his dad that you know he wants to be with me but he'll have to change religion to be with me and at that point I think his parents just knew that you know he was there was a spot missing from Anthony his father said to him well if your mother was another Faith I'd change to be with her and if that's what you need to do then we accept it and then um Anthony found me and said that he's told his parents and he wants to marry me so then it all changed but not like oh my God now you know the day after I've got engaged you know it was difficult I just couldn't believe the timing [Music] it was only a month after that conversation month or two that we got married I think we just decided we were going to get married and that's it now we wanted to get married so it's all really quick I was really aware of the fact that I wanted my father to like him and get to know him they they'd go to Moss together and I think that sort of helped build their relationship after we got married people in the community were really welcoming actually with Anthony and I think that was just down to the fact though that he was he was making himself part of the community he did attend mosque in the evenings with my brothers and they accepted him foreign [Music] I have a very big problem at the moment which is I'm going to go and get married in Nigeria and I'm going to have to go to a church to get married and he says to me I've done it for you you have to do it for me because his parents still don't look at me like we are legally married because they got he got married on our side it was more of a secret wedding in their view in their eyes and now I'm going to have to go to Nigeria and have another wedding which is quite frightening people I don't know but you know what he's right he'd done it for me I've got to do it for him and it's just for people to see that we're married and it's all about people converting someone no one could ask me to convert to Judaism I wouldn't convert so a church boy like this to be Muslim I was asking for heaven and earth it's not it's impossible but he did and he did it for the sake of love but really his heart wasn't there he just sort of done it anyway he didn't want to lose me and he'd done it whether it is fake that he went to the mosque at the time he went with great intentions foreign is that more and more men and the women are actually saying this is not acceptable we we don't want half-hearted conversion of force conversions and no man should be forced to change their religion against their will unless their heart rate unless it's a heartfelt conversion Faith doesn't make sense if it's forced if you're forced into a faith or to believe something you can't actually it's a nonsense and it's either fake it's the fast we're left with only two options one is that the Muslim woman marries outside the faith where her husband doesn't convert to Islam and the second is that they don't get married at all and this um this rule stops them getting married at all we have talked about conversion actually Greg's incredibly open to it he has offered to convert already but that's something that's still ongoing still in flux and I feel you know that's that's Greg's Journey that's not mine if he feels that something he's interested in and something that he's felt you know an affinity with whilst being with me then that's great I'll be honest with you it would make my life a hell of a lot easier but I don't want the hypocrisy of him converting just for the sake of it either when somebody accepts Islam as a way of life as a religion for themselves it has to be done for the right reason that is for the pleasure of God not so that one may be married to a Muslim woman or to a Muslim man Etc it's a space that I'm very keenly keeping an eye on I think the time has already arrived where this requires a national level of discussion amongst Scholars the small minority of people who do allow Interfaith marriages are simply adapting to changing societies because it's a fundamental principle of of sharia I know Islam always has been that these rules are for human benefit I'm supposed to promote the welfare and well-being of people and if the rules such as stopping people getting married are not promoting their welfare but actually calling them harm they actually become very unislamic um so the reformers if you like are recapturing the original Spirit of Islam foreign because I wanted it to happen I could have just backed off and done exactly what my parents wanted me to to do but I sort of made it happen and you know I would count certain situations that happened I might carry them around with me but you know I'm not regret I'm not sort of remorseful or regret I don't regret anything I'd go through it all over again if I had to there has to be a point of call on on for parents to deal with because it is heartbreaking I can understand now I'm a parent it's not easy but there needs to be a point of action like what are they doing rather than just stay hibernated in a in a closet because they're too embarrassed for mosque and face people it's just so unfair their religion gets I I couldn't go to mosque for a very long time because I was so embarrassed oh you're the one who married ah you're the one God I was I was the first one and now it's happening a lot um I guess that's why I've opened up a lot of doors but I still I still stand by my guns [Music] everything's worked out now but at the time as a 17 year old I just thought you know I've really um brought shame to them um so those words just everything that my parents said to me they sort of stuck with me you know and I'm all constantly now even as an adult trying to to find sort of approval if you like you know always which is that it makes me sad my heart my husband's always like you know you're your worst critic but um well I just want to make everyone happy you know I don't I I don't like hurting anyone and I never wished any harm to my parents I didn't set out to do this intentionally to them never set out to intentionally hurt anyone it's not in my nature and I wouldn't do that but you know things just happened and then it and then I felt that I was completely out of my depth and didn't know what to do my mum says to me now that I'm you know she couldn't wish for a better daughter but at that time I did you know when I needed to hear that I didn't hear that I'm meeting more and more a generation of parents who were perhaps born in this country or at least have lived in this country for three four decades their attitude is very different to the attitudes of the first generation that came to this country where now they're very openly and confidently saying look you know what we've said to our son we've said to our daughter whenever you find somebody that you feel is the best person for you to be married just let us know and we'll sort it out for you so it's I'm very encouraged by that development the new challenge now is that what if their youngster goes and finds somebody of a different religion that they want to be married to and especially if their daughter wants to marry say a Christian man what that and that's where the real challenge lies [Music] the definition of a husband a definition of a man does that still stand you know in my relationship I Am The Breadwinner I'm I'm the one that provides let's say if you go by the Muslim definition of a man I'd probably meet it so for me if you're going to be genuinely equal then allow me to marry someone of the book then allow me to marry someone who's not Muslim I think the world is a very different place of what it was and I think we need to evolve as a religion I feel like Islam and the Quran is very pro-equality and I feel like I could make I feel like it is accepted but I'm not a scholar and I'm not here to sort of give those kind of definite opinions but I don't feel like I'm doing the worst thing in the world I've just happened to have fallen in love with someone that wasn't a Muslim [Music] I suppose this is a question I have asked myself how would I react if my daughter made outside the faith and I have to be consistent here with a principal stance on this and which is I would support my daughter fully God willing inshallah in in whoever she chose to marry um a man that she falls in love with and and he loves her and it's good for her then that will be good for her in this world and the Hereafter whatever his background for me if you're looking at these aspects of religion who's most religious is it the one with the label or is it the one without the label and I think that's the struggle I'm having with my parents at the moment to see see him as a person and not as a religious entity you know I'm Muslim let me do it my Islamic practicing my way because I don't think I'm gonna go to hell I haven't murdered I haven't killed I haven't raped I haven't done these horrible I don't steal so if I'm gonna go tell fire for marrying a black man I guess that's a little bit backwards if you ask me a marriage works a couple stay together because of the two people involved that is the bottom line for me it's how human beings work their ways out and good people committed people who wish a relationship to work will work hard at it and we'll find ways of making it work even if there's differences in in race age religion culture background and of course there are many mixed race couples mixed culture couples a difference of religion should just be seen as another complicating Factor if you like which is also a challenge and an opportunity actually to learn from each other to be very creative if you like and fruitful in that relationship I'd say our culture is a mixed beautiful culture it's not Indian and it's not English we've got a whole balance and I think that's what's important in life now that I've got my own family I think my children are really lucky with the fact that they've got the best of both worlds they say themselves how lucky they are that they get Christmas presents and they get Eid presents and how lucky I think they feel that they're they're blessed in that respect that they've got um two completely different families but and different beliefs but um it works I think it works [Music] at this time of my life this point I have no regrets no guilt I feel like I have conquered and I've got to the strength that I am today because of all the suffering I suffered in the past I I don't blame anyone I just made me and my husband and my family work harder to be together more we're not going to be battered down we're happy we we smart every day we laugh all day long because we won [Music] thank you foreign [Music]

Channel: Real Stories

Views: 302,730

Keywords: British society issues, Muslim love stories, Real Stories, acceptance and love, clash of cultures, community pressure, connection through love, cultural identity, diverse love experiences, documentary filmmaking, emotional journeys, global love stories, identity struggles, international love stories, interracial relationships, love conquers differences, love stories worldwide, maintaining identity, modern relationships, non-traditional relationships, social issues film

Id: GpXdgAZxeE8

Length: 51min 40sec (3100 seconds)

Published: Sat Nov 18 2023